Mulligan (2023) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
- [crackles]
- [loud explosion]
[lasers zapping]
[humans screaming]
[dramatic music continues]
[screaming continues]
I'm gonna die without ever seeing
Paris Hilton's zombie movie.
Every'all shut up!
[music halts]
Why are we here?
Why did I, with a degree
in Resort Sciences and Pool Stuff
from the University of Tampa Bay Downtown,
choose a career in cruise hospitality?
You know the answer.
Y'all came on a cruise
to forget about the real world.
You come on a cruise
because no matter
what is happening out there,
here, on board The Princess,
it is Fiesta Night!
A celebration of Mexico
and all the other ones.
Spain maybe? Arizona?
And nothing is gonna change that.
Is this our last night on Earth? Probably.
So y'all got a choice.
Curl up and die,
or do what you came here to do
and party like it's the end
of the Goddamn world!
[cheering]
- [tropical music playing]
- [cheering continues]
[woman] Oh, this is my jam!
[lasers zapping]
[tropical music continues]
[cheering, indistinct chatter]
[Sheila] Party on.
Excellent.
[dramatic music plays]
[theme music playing]
Oh, pally, we are gonna turn this place
into the sickest bachelor pad!
Just you wait until we relocate
the embassy wine cellar.
Classy. I dated a college girl
who drank wine.
I mean, not really "dated."
It was a reverse My Fair Lady,
and it did not work out.
You ever get thrown through
a fancy window? The glass is so thick.
Fine wine is just the beginning
of the changes around here.
For instance, now that this is England,
we have not gone to the moon.
I'm just glad somebody else
is in charge now.
I got sick and tired
of leading those chowderheads.
- Heavy is the head.
- Oh, Yoda, nice.
[in Yoda voice]
Green I am. Swamp I live in.
[cart rattling]
Oh, Your Highness.
- Ah, yes.
- Dude, are you moving back in?
Well, it was the king's idea.
And, while this whole monarchy business
is a new trick for an old dog,
I do know that I must obey my king.
Tell me to do something, King.
Very well. Show me your tummy.
Hmm. Your tummy pleases me. And so long
as the United Kingdom is just us three,
we do want our subjects
close to their loving monarch.
I love you.
This is totally what I need right now.
Tonight, I am hanging with my bros.
Bros before toes, am I right?
I'm a toe man.
Sure, okay, let's do this.
Guys' night. No girls allowed.
You heard him! Get out of here! [grunts]
[cart clattering]
[indistinct chatter]
Thank you, Herbert Sellner,
inventor of the waterslide!
Although the first documented waterslide
Moosie, move! [yells, grunts]
That's the hottest thing I've ever seen!
Joy, Dr. Braun! There you are.
[gasps] Oh no.
Hey, little lady. I'm Rick.
And so is he. We're brothers.
But your names are both Ri
Ow! Why?
Psst! Over here.
I threw the rock. That was me.
[curious music plays]
Hey, you're from land, right?
Yeah. I'm Lucy.
Suwan. From The Love Choice.
Which season?
Ugh! Look, something weird
is happening on this boat.
Yes! Thank you.
This was on my yacht.
- But it was here, in the lost and found.
- So you think they found your boat?
Boats are for bath time.
They found my yacht.
And that Sheila lady
lied to my fat face about it.
I think they're lying
about a lot more than that.
My friends are disappearing.
You can buy new friends.
Where's the rest of my stuff?
I had so much beautiful crap on my yacht.
A gold machine gun
I bought at Uday Hussein's estate sale,
this super sexy mermaid painting.
See, I had the idea to start the fish part
just a bit lower so you get everything.
There's definitely something messed up
going on here.
Now, what are you two whispering about?
How weird it is dogs look so different
but are still all dogs?
Well, you're missing a heck of a party.
Lucy, you're the Pied Piper.
The serial killer
who terrorized Washoe County?
No! First of all,
David Earl Walters confessed.
Second of all, I was, like, a baby.
How could I have used the press
to taunt the police like that?
Let alone lure hobos into the woods
with beautiful flute music and then
No, hon, I just mean
that after you came on board The Princess,
all the other fun D.C. folks followed you.
[mascot] So thass all my Eth-TDs.
Yah turn.
Sure, a couple of you need the Fun Police
to turn some frowns upside down.
No, I am smiling.
My face is just upside down.
- Where are they taking him?
- Who cares? Is he you?
I used to have a t-shirt
that said that in diamonds.
Look, no one knows why the aliens
didn't attack The Thirsty Princess.
- [adventurous music plays]
- [electronic beeping]
[in Cardibean]
Did we already shoot this one?
If it's on fire, we shot it.
Thanks, Grandpa.
I love you!
[adventurous music continues]
[in English] Vape up, everyone.
Y'all can't take it with y'all.
God damn, we look so cool!
But when we got spared,
everyone here got a new lease on life.
And we are not going to waste it. [laughs]
Not while the sun is shining,
and the bar is stocked
- Party foul!
- [woman] Nice, Slip 'N Slide!
and the buffet.
Ooh, just you wait
till the tide gets us on out of here.
I hope you'll sit at my table
for the big embarkation dinner.
Ooh, the captain's table.
That was the name of a strip club
in Reno that served shrimp.
No, sweetie. I'm not the captain.
I'm the entertainment director.
Our captain died in the attack.
The only thing steering this ship now
is the party gods.
But you guys didn't get attacked.
So how did he, or she
in pornos, captains are sometimes women
die during the attack?
- It was a coincidence. Shark. So
- [mysterious music plays]
- Ha! Get 'em, Martha!
- Where am I? Why is my chair talking?
[kids chuckling]
[Jeremy] Long live the king.
- The South shall rise again.
- How do you like us apples.
- [rock music playing]
- [gulping, grunts]
- [glass shatters]
- Montage!
[Matty] It's a boy's night ♪
- A night just for boys ♪
- [Jeremy grunts]
Getting naughty
And making some noise! ♪
Oh yeah, that was another strike, Jer.
- Doing pranks ♪
- [chuckles]
Ooh, outta sight ♪
It's not for babies
It's a boys' night! ♪
- Who the hell is it?
- [in falsetto] It's your mom. I'm alive.
Goddamn, Mommy?
[laughing]
A boys' night ♪
No girls allowed ♪
'Cause boys is company
But girls is a crowd! ♪
you drink every time you hear a message
from across the thin veil
between this world and the next.
[music continues]
Doing more pranks ♪
Pranks are the best ♪
I love pranks
Just don't do them on me! ♪
- Dude, What is that supposed to be?
- I don't know what they look like.
- But you've got one.
- And I've never even touched it.
[Matty] Big finish ♪
Boys' night! ♪
You think they're having fun
on that stupid boat?
- Oh, who cares?
- I don't care.
I'll tell you that right now.
I wanted them to leave.
I just don't want them thinking
I'm sitting around butt-hurt, you know?
'Cause I'm doing amazing. I'm on a roof.
Like Batman or a helicopter.
You should go over there.
Show them you're still cock of the walk.
Strut around that hen yard
with your shiny feathers.
"Bock-bock gobble-gobble,
you wish you was me."
When my ex, the third Middleton sister,
Bongo Middleton, was getting married,
I showed up at the wedding
with Gemma Venables on my arm.
The Chocolate Orange heiress?
Venables Sour Suck Jellies?
Okay, I thought this was England.
- [party music playing in distance]
- Huh.
No, you guys are so right. I'm gonna go.
What's the fastest way down from here?
Ahh!
- Crap! God! Oh! Ah!
- [loud thuds]
There's a thing that sticks out! Dammit!
Ahh! Oh, it's good I'm so limp.
Ow! Oh, that hurt! Okay, I'm down!
I'll catch you later!
[curious music playing]
[bird] Here comes fat ass. Fat ass!
[squawks] Stupid Johnny fat ass.
[in Mandarin] Embarrassment to family!
[in English] My rare albino parrot I hate.
Mr. Bird?
[squawks] You're bad at bird names.
And all my stuff.
My Ed Hardy samurai swords.
The bones of the actor
who played Elephant Man.
And my party girls.
Hey, ladies.
Where's Coleman? I'd like to order
that guy to punch himself.
- Looking for something?
- Scream!
I thought I recognized your face.
From this.
Those are Janet Jackson's hands.
You must be the owner
of that yacht we ran into.
And where is she? "She" is my yacht.
Boats are girls 'cause they're expensive
and they take you for a ride, I'm funny.
Snooping around? Asking questions?
I'm starting to think
you're not someone we wanna party with.
But we can find other uses for you.
[dramatic music plays]
[squawks] Good luck with that, Sheila.
What do you think you're doing?
Well, I just squeezed myself
a glass of giraffe milk
into which I was about to dunk
my favorite and most southern cookie,
a Savannah Smile.
During the attack, I saved three things,
a box of these, Mother,
and a mint-condition
1976 Disco Skate Barbie.
I didn't know there were biscuits.
I command you to give me a biscuit.
- If by "biscuit," you mean "cookie"
- You live in England, sir.
Biscuit, chip, fanny, they all mean
the opposite of what you think now.
- But this is the very last one.
- And your king has imposed a tax upon it.
A num-num tax of one biscuit.
Hmm. We do not care for it.
Now get dressed. We're going clubbing.
But I'm already in my nightshirt.
I have my nightcap and my candle,
and I can hear the clanging chains
of my business partner's ghost.
We are going to a discoteca,
and you don't have a say. I'm your king.
So you take my cookie,
and I don't get a vote on my own affairs?
Well, slap me till I think it's Christmas.
That is good old-fashioned
taxation without representation.
Let's not go down that road again,
shall we?
That kind of thinking caused such
unpleasantness a few hundred years ago.
Stupid king. I don't like this king.
My biscuit ain't no biscuit
Giraffe noise.
[tropical music playing faintly]
[boat creaking]
No one tells me what to do.
I'm Irstenkay, and I'm the worst!
- I just don't think this boat is safe.
- Listen up, boomer.
Either you're an ally
of my reckless behavior,
or you hate women.
I'm a disrupter!
[Matty] Ow!
What's up, guys?
Just wanted to come over, make sure
we weren't being too loud over on land.
'Cause of what, you crying?
No, Grimes. We were having a rager.
If I was crying, you'd know it.
Because I fight it,
then when it comes out,
it's weird and loud.
Oh, hey, Moosie, right? Yeah.
How's your mother doing?
- Matty, what are you doing here?
- Hey, Lucy.
Wow, it's good to see you. You look good.
I'm I'm glad you and the boat
are happy together.
No, Matty,
there's something wrong with this ship.
Luce, come on.
I'm doing really great, okay?
You don't gotta badmouth
the ship for my sake.
- What? That's not what I
- Look, I get it.
The boat can give you stuff I never could.
A pointy end? Being hundreds of feet long?
I can't be that for you.
But I'm doing real good back in England.
America is England now.
So, yeah, if you're ever in England,
let's grab a coffee or something.
- Axie! What's up, kid? How's it hanging?
- Nestled safely inside my spine.
Ugh!
- [Simon] Hey.
- Ow, Simon, you're
Oh no, that doesn't hurt at all.
But you're squeezing as hard as you can.
Why are you telling Matty
there's something wrong with this boat?
Because people are disappearing, Simon.
Where are the Fun Police taking them?
Who cares?! They only take people
who can't party hearty, and that's not me!
On this boat, I'm funny and sexy
and haven't gotten stuck once
on the size-inclusive waterslide.
So don't screw this up for me.
Don't make me call the Fun Police on you.
[grunts]
Boots-and-cats and boots-and-cats
And boots-and-cats and boots-and-cats ♪
[gasps]
Boots-and-cats and boots-and-cats
And boots-and-cats ♪
This is tyranny.
Which can only lead to rebellion.
- Sorry, what's that?
- Oh, I was just, um, freestyle rapping.
I like the police
Like-like-like the police ♪
They help lost kids, go police ♪
Oh, yes.
Boots-and-cats and boots-and-cats
And boots ♪
Yeah, no, I retired from president.
I always wanted to write a screenplay,
and I've got this idea
where it's Avatar but in Boston. [heaves]
[heaving]
What the hell is in this? Pineapple juice?
Ugh, so this is the crap you're drinking
on "the great boat"?
Well, great boat, everyone! Your words!
I mean, I don't care that you all picked
a boat over me, but it doesn't make sense.
What does the boat have that I don't?
Windows that are circles?
Oh, snap.
Okay, it can float,
and I'm a proud non-swimmer.
Well, guess what else floats, guys? Turds.
You guys love boats so much,
why don't you marry it?
Then you'd be married to a turd!
Where are you registered?
The toilet store? [laughs]
You know what, Matty?
This is why we're not together!
If you're trying to start a fight,
you just brought a fight to a knife store.
Because you're a loser.
That's why your father
gave the drywall business to your sisters.
I didn't want the business.
That's why I disappointed him
from an early age on purpose!
The only Kennedy you're like
is the MTV VJ!
- I'm like Bill Bellamy, everyone knows it!
- Red Sox? More like Red Sux!
- It's a rebuilding year!
- [men grunt]
- Ow!
- Hey!
A fight? Here?
Lucy, I'm disappointed in you.
Or I would be
if I weren't so freakin' wasted.
Parties are fun!
- Come on.
- [indistinct chatter]
[whimsical music plays]
[toilet flushes]
[groans]
- [toilet flushes]
- [scoffs]
- [toilet flushes]
- What the H-E-double-polo-mallets?
My teas. My various teas.
What?
[grunts]
This means war!
- [dramatic music playing]
- [boat creaking]
- [both grunt]
- Do you barneys know who I am?
I'm the former president
of the United States,
and my sisters
can get you drywall at cost.
Wait, what is this? A surprise party?
Well, I don't want it.
No, Matty, this is where the Fun Police
put criminals.
It wasn't bad
when I was the only one here.
I meditated,
exercised for the first time in a while.
- But then Johnny here showed up.
- I'm a lot.
I have no inner life so I constantly
need other people to amuse me.
Be a horsey.
[speaks Italian]
This boat is a police state.
They get rid of anyone who doesn't
"fit in" with their perfect society.
- All the losers and bummers
- Speak for yourself!
I was being fun
until you started insulting me.
Well, two can play at that game.
Lucy Suwan? Hey,
the mispronounced bird-name store called,
they want how they say "swan" back.
Matty, I picked a fight with you
on purpose. I wanted to get caught.
'Cause now I'm on the inside.
Oh my God. That is awesome.
You got caught on purpose
like The Joker did.
Or Loki in the one where Loki did that.
Or that old one with Stallone,
the prison one.
Okay, so what's the plan?
Getting put in here was the plan, Farrah.
Now we're on the inside.
Like in Prison Break.
Or Skyfall. Also, Magneto did it.
- Right. But your plan
- This is the plan. This is on purpose.
Yes! Like Sherlock Holmes in Star Trek.
Jesus, Braun!
But now what? How do we escape?
- Now? On the inside?
- It was on purpose?
Good Lord! How do you two
dress yourselves in the morning?
I sleep in this.
Okay, well maybe TOD could come rescue us.
Oh wait, he can't,
because you made him run away!
See? We're all stupid, Farrah.
Hey! Chill out in there!
This here's a party boat!
- [gasps] Hold up. You know Tom Sawyer?
- You can't be talking about the book.
- He's this kid I grew up with in Southie.
- So why did you ask if we knew him?
Tommy Sawyer was the best
at tricking people. This one time
[whimsical music playing]
[laughs]
Tommy's gotta paint a fence
while I go play ball. What a loser.
Good. I'd rather paint this fence.
What? Why? Is it special? I wanna do it.
Leave me alone so I can paint this fence
I've always wanted to paint.
Questovic, we're gonna need music.
- Anything can be a drum.
- And it has to be fun.
All right, Mr. President.
This one last time,
I'll be weird.
[upbeat music playing faintly]
- [boat creaking]
- [seagulls squawking]
[prisoners cheering]
[Weird Al] Mac and cheese ♪
Hey! I said keep it down!
- Mac and cheese and mac and cheese ♪
- [cheering]
- [fun police] Keep it down!
- Wait, you want us to stop partying?
Yes. I mean, no! Uh
You're the one who should stop.
Stop just standing outside a door
like a trick-or-treater who won't go away
even though we turned off the lights
because we're too poor to buy candy.
Come party before Sheila catches you
and throws you in here to not party.
- Look, I'm real drunk, but
- [dramatic music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[Weird Al] I keep eating
Till my heart stops to beat ♪
[Lucy] Go, go, go, Shane!
Okay, and now what?
Uh, what do you mean?
[muffled groaning]
Yeah, I was gonna do this. Obviously.
[dramatic music playing]
Die, traitor.
What?
[grunts]
Liberty or death!
[upbeat music playing]
- [bones crack]
- [music building]
- Take that.
- No, you take that.
- And kick. Double slap. USA.
- Eat glove, you peasant.
- [whimsical music playing]
- Ha-ha!
Fooled you, limey!
That was melted Jane Lynch
from Madame Tussauds.
- [groans]
- Ha!
You hit my artificial heart.
- What?
- Artificial hip.
- What's happening?
- Plate in head.
I don't know what that is.
[whimsical sting]
[ticking]
[Jeremy] If we both hide
in suits of armor,
nothing is ever going to happen.
America will never forgive you
for sending us Piers Morgan.
And we'll never forgive you
for sending him back.
- Quidditch makes no sense.
- [grunts] It's all about the snitch!
TripAdvisor will be hearing about this.
Four stars.
Look at us.
Matty and Lucy, saving the day. Again.
Yep, good ol' Mucy!
Oh God. The other Moosie, the moose one.
We still gotta save him. And Axatrax.
- And Simon.
- Sure, yeah, if there's time.
[whimsical music playing]
Well, how would I know the rules?
No!
- Simon, we gotta go.
- You're not supposed to be up here.
The pool deck is for fun-loving cats
and kittens who like to get down.
You don't understand.
This boat is like Nazi Germany.
And this time,
I know I'm using that right.
Agh! That thing's like Nazi Germany.
[all groan]
- No.
- Oh, you're all being Nazi Germany.
Aw, Nazi Germany!
Well, maybe I don't want to leave.
Yes, its laws are draconian,
but the pool deck
is a society without want.
Unlike whatever we built
back on land. [laughs]
I mean, we're having a feast tonight.
Barbecue on a boat.
When was the last time
Oh, that doesn't make any sense.
They have to make booze out of fuel,
how do they possibly
Oh. [heaves]
[suspenseful music playing]
Yup, it's people. They eat the prisoners.
They're cannibals, that's how they do it.
Okay, that's nasty. Smells good, though.
I mean, come on, right?
Those are Joy's flip-flops.
In the soup. Ew, the soup is lady.
Hot soup on a cruise?
What is wrong with these people?
- [all] Huh?
- Well, lookee what we got here.
They lied. About partying.
Bummer.
Bummer.
[all chanting] Bummer! Bummer!
Bummer! Bummer!
Aw, we shouldn't have come back.
And for him?
Aw, Mr. President.
I see you finally joined us
for the embarkation dinner.
Go ahead and judge us, but Simon is right.
This is a perfect society.
The deserving rise to the top.
The undeserving feed them.
You're a monster!
You're worse than the Pied Piper.
At least he was using
those hobo corpses to make a kind of art.
Monster? I saved these people, Lucy.
We'd all be dead if I hadn't relieved
Captain Phillips of his duty.
Captain Phillips? Like the movie?
Oh my That is funny.
He wanted to return to port, but I saw
something he couldn't begin to imagine.
A cruise that lasted forever.
Yes, it required sacrifice.
But so what if people who can't hack
the cruise lifestyle had to die?
They were already dead inside.
Is it bad if I still want to stay?
I'm cool here.
I know I'm ruining it right now,
but I'm cool! [crying]
I'll stay.
Eating people is a little weird to me,
but it would be like if you guys
had to eat a bird, I guess.
- We eat birds. All the time.
- Really? Now that seems weird.
Don't worry, you're all staying.
For dinner. You'll make delicious soups.
Again with the soups.
It's just not what you want on a cruise.
You're not eating anyone.
We're going down that gankplank!
Did you say "gankplank"?
It's gangplank. And what gangplank?
We left shore ten minutes ago.
[dramatic sting]
Oh no!
The gangplang.
Okay, go ahead and eat us.
Or just Simon. I mean, look at him.
He's perfectly marbled.
Oh yeah? Do you think they'll want to eat
someone who's covered in pee?
But one question, Sheila.
Why have a tiki party when your passengers
and everything on this ship
are covered in,
and filled with, Torpedo Juice?
- A drink that is half
- Pineapples.
engine fuel!
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
[screams]
[screams] It's Old Navy all over again!
[all screaming]
The party fouls!
All the beautiful party fouls!
Now you've done two awesome things.
You know what?
I'll say something cool when we jump off
the boat and we'll be even.
Everybody follow me!
- [loud thud]
- [gasps]
- [electric crackling]
- The radio.
[loud thud]
What are you doing?
I have to rescue the radio.
I I promised my kids.
Farrah, let it go.
And maybe this is the diesel fuel
and pineapple juice talking,
but there is another radio.
Now let's get out of here
before the heat makes me Too late!
[dramatic music plays]
[Zhao groans]
- Johnny, why are you still here?
- I gotta save my stuff.
You'll get more stuff.
I know you will. Let it go.
[dramatic music playing]
[clinking]
[whooshes]
[gasps]
Ha-ha, look, Coleman's dead.
Take that, Coleman.
[yelps]
[action music playing]
No, Moosie. Let 'em go.
Oh, I so wish I was you.
[all screaming]
Okay. Well, that fortune cookie
was spot on.
[all screaming]
Okay, now I'm gonna yell something cool!
I don't have it! Dammit!
[all screaming]
Look, uh, I'm sorry
about my bird-name-store burn earlier.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry for the stuff I said to you.
Well, you don't have to apologize 'cause
you didn't mean it. It was for your plan.
And I'm feeling pretty okay
about being better than the boat now.
[laughs, clears throat]
No, but you can say it too.
You know, if I mean, if you want to.
You know, that I'm better than it.
Matty, you are better
than an on-fire boat full of cannibals.
[gasps]
What are you possibly
smiling about right now?
Do you somehow think this is a victory?
I'm gonna smack you
No, think about it.
We thought they had it all figured out.
But turns out,
they sucked worse than we do.
I mean, yeah,
maybe things aren't perfect here.
The Mole People's raids
on the above world continue unchecked.
But things could actually be worse.
We're still number one.
- Whoo-hoo!
- [whimsical music plays]
[both grunting]
- No fair.
- What the hell?
- He stole my cookie.
- He refused to give me his biscuit.
- Then he made me dance.
- Then he flushed my tea.
- Then I shoved him.
- Then he shoved me.
Then we both had the idea
to steal each other's clothes
Oh my gosh, shut up!
Do you have any idea
what we've just been through?
Or how awesome I was during it?
Hey, Jer, take down
the Austin Powers flag.
We're doing America again.
- Ha-ha! Victory!
- Gah! Right in the bishop. [groans]
[rock music playing]
[upbeat music playing]
[Weird Al]
Mac and cheese and mac and cheese ♪
And mac and cheese and mac and cheese ♪
Mac and cheese and mac and cheese
Mac and cheese and crispy peas ♪
Mac and cheese and crispy peas ♪
I'm so fat I can't see my knees ♪
Cooking noodles in the Florida sun ♪
A packet full of cheese
And some hot water, yum ♪
Ho!
I keep eating
Till my heart stops to beat ♪
Mac and cheese
Is all that I want to eat ♪
[music fades]