No Activity (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 WOMAN ON RADIO: Operation Bandicoot continuing.
Doolans now missing 36 hours.
Car 72 maintaining surveillance.
HENDY: Oh, Jesus, listen to this.
"An intoxicated Burrows, who earlier in the day was man of the match "in the victory that sent his team to next week's grand final, "was celebrating at a team-mate's house "when he performed acts of a sexual nature "with an array of tropical fish, "including neon tetras, angelfish, clown fish and fire eels"?! Oh, Jesus, that doesn't sound good.
Oh, apparently there's a video.
Do you wanna watch the video? No, I don't want to watch the video, alright? Come on, mate, you love this stuff.
Well, maybe I'm just a bit too old for this stuff now.
Maybe, you know, I'm a little more discerning in my taste.
I'm not interested in trash.
Oh.
Alright.
CAROL: Car 72, please report.
Uh, car 72, no activity.
CAROL: No activity at all? Yep.
CAROL: Not even in the glove box? - Better check the glove box.
- I'm not gonna open the glove box.
I don't know what this is about, but you'd better check.
- Just check the glove box.
- Alright.
- Whoa-whoa.
- Oh-hooo! - Hey! - Happy birthday! (HENDY, CAROL AND APRIL SING) Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you - Happy birthday, dear Stokes - Happy birthday, dear Stokesy - Happy birthday to you.
- Thank you.
- Hip-hip.
Hooray! - Hooray! - Hip-hip.
Hooray! Hip-hip.
Hooray! - Hooray! Hooray! - Speech.
- Oh, you know - Speech.
- Thanks, guys.
- I thought you'd forgotten.
- CAROL: Did he get the cake? Oh, yeah, there's a cake.
There's cake.
Get it.
- Look at that.
(CHUCKLES) - He's got it.
- Got a little cherry on top.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Carol, it's very nice.
Oh, I've popped your cherry, Carol.
STOKES: Oh, oh, no, I didn't.
Anyway, look, let me just say 48 years ago in Maitland, I was a little over - 48? I thought you said he was 50.
- HENDY: I thought he was 50.
- You're not 50? - No, I'm 48.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, I thought 50.
Sorry.
- Well, I, you know, appreciate - CAROL: No, no, no, no.
No speech for 48, mate.
Let's just get back to work.
Keep the airwaves clear.
Car 72, no activity.
You wanna watch this Burrows video now? Oh, absolutely.
FOOTBALLER: Onya, mate.
- Meat-heads, look at them.
- HENDY: Meat-heads.
- STOKES: Time and time again.
- HENDY: Yep.
- Is the boss okay? - Yeah, he's fine, mate.
He sounded pissed off, mate.
He's pissed off but he'll call us back.
(SCOFFS) Fish have got a 3-second memory anyway, you know? And what's to say the eel didn't enjoy that? Look how he's got hold of its head like that.
- Oh! - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Come on! - (FOOTBALLERS SHOUT) - Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh! Oh! - Okay, the eel did not enjoy that.
- No, it didn't.
Oooh.
- Animal! - (GAGS) - Ohhh.
- God, why would you even Ah! Two become one.
- How does it not, um - They don't have teeth.
- Oh, don't they? - No, just clamp on with their gums.
- Like that.
Mmm.
- Oh, gummy eel.
- It's kinda perfect in that sense.
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, he's getting slammed on Twitter.
#FeelTheEel.
#PaedoEel.
- Was it a young eel? - No, I think it's just a joke.
- #SexualEeling.
That's good.
- (LAUGHS) That's clever.
That's I mean, that's the beginning of the end, that trial by social media.
You know, it used to be that the police would hand down punishment.
We would enforce the law, you know? Now it's just all in the hands of a whole lot of dickheads with smartphones.
- (SIGHS) - Totally.
- Why would he do that? - Well, he's got to, mate.
- He's he's got to do that? - It's a team bonding thing, mate.
How's that bonding? - Alright, imagine this, alright? - Alright.
You and I here, we're fucking a cow, right, you and me.
- A cow around here? A cow? - It's hypothetical, mate.
Can we use something else instead of a cow? - A fucking sheep? - No, no, no.
- Okay, you pick a fucking animal.
- Alright, flamingo.
Great, it's a flamingo.
Right? Happy with that? - Pink, female, awesome.
- Right? Okay, you and me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing, mate? - We're fucking the flamingo, mate.
- Here? I've got this end, you get that end, okay? Fucking a little flamingo, right? No, you're giving it to him too.
It's not just me.
It's a group exercise.
- I've got to fuck the flamingo? - Okay, here we go.
Hey, hey, flamingo, here you go, want some of this? - Hey, guess what we're doing.
- Uh What are we doing? Buddy? - Hey, fucking a flamingo, mate.
Yeah? - Yep.
Yeah, getting right on there.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Yeah, fuck that flamingo! - Shit.
- Fuck it, mate! Stuff it all up! (MUFFLED) Oh, fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck that fucking flamingo.
Hey, brother, look! Look! Hah! Fucking a flamingo, yeah?! We're fucking a flamingo! Fuck it! Yeah, oh, you fucking - Yeah, you fucking prick.
- (MUTTERS) Oh, shit.
(SIGHS) - Right? - Yep.
- Got it? - Got it.
- Because we just - We've got a bond, mate.
We fucked a flamingo.
We crossed that line.
We crossed the line.
We've broke down the barriers of society.
We crossed the line that everyone else in the world deems uncrossable.
- Right.
- Right? Yeah, 'cause you know I fucked a flamingo so now you've got it on me.
- We've got a secret on each other.
- It's not a fucking blackmail thing.
- Isn't it? - It's a bond thing.
It's like a philosophical thing.
Okay, look at it this way, right? No-one else in the world fucks flamingos, right? Everyone else in the world is looking at you, going, "You filthy pig-fucking flamingo-fucker," right? I'm copping it, I'm fucking walking down the street, "Hey, there's that fucking flamingo-fucker!" - Right? - Yeah, You and I come back together at training? "Fuck, oh, fuck, what a tough day.
Tough fucking day.
" "Did you get all that flamingo fucking stuff?" - Yeah, yeah.
- "Fuck, me too.
Fuck.
" "Brother, you and I together against the world, mate.
" Whistle goes.
Peew-wit! Fucking kick-off.
They've gotta fucking do it, mate.
Bonding, right? Can't win games if you don't bond.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Looking for an update on Bandicoot.
(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Yeah.
What, the yoghurt? Oh, it could be off but give it a sniff.
Well, you can eat it if you want.
(LAUGHS) Alright, try to wait up, will you? Alright, ciao.
(CHUCKLES) Funny, she is.
- This one of your Tinder girls? - Yes, my latest conquest.
Linda.
- Is she at your house? - Yeah.
- Are you serious? - Absolutely serious.
I haven't heard about this one.
I was just waiting until things, you know, firmed up a little bit before I spilled the beans.
- They sound pretty firm.
- Well - Let's hear it.
- Okay.
Well, we, uh I took her out on this fantastic date, right? And then out of nowhere, right, and this never happens to me, she just drops the question and says, "I wanna come back to your house.
" - Really? From zero to 100? - Yeah.
Let's get amongst it.
We go running up through the city streets like we're racing to get home.
She knew all these little back streets.
It was amazing.
The whole way she's just, like, chattering on, like, one minute it's the government and then it's conspiracy theories.
Anyway, we're back at my house, right? And she's like She looks beautiful, you know, windswept.
And she's got this little autumn leaf just tucked into her hair here.
And I just kind of pulled it out and kissed it and let it fall to the ground.
- Yeah? - She laughed.
And I'm going in and we're just about to just about to kiss And she goes, "Whoa! I wanna take this slow.
" So, anyway, we, um we go to bed, no touching or anything because that's how she wanted to play it, wake up in the morning and have breakfast.
And that was five days ago.
- And she's still there? - Yeah, still there.
- And you still haven't done anything? - No, not yet.
But like the It's Like, the atmosphere is fecund in the room.
- You can smell it.
- Right.
(EXHALES) Let me ask you this.
- Has she left the house? - No.
Pretty much just holes up in my room.
- Good appetite or? - Well, you know, it's not too bad.
She doesn't leave anything on her plate.
Right.
- She loves soup.
- Does she? Does she ever change clothes? Many outfits, or? She hasn't been home so, you know, she only came in the one outfit.
- She mainly just wears my shirts.
- Ha-hah.
She looks great.
- How does she smell? - Normal.
How did she smell on the first night? I can't recall.
I don't quite know how to say this to you, but it sounds a bit to me like you've taken in a homeless woman.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) No.
Think about it, she doesn't leave because she's got nowhere else to go.
She's got a fridge full of food, daytime TV.
She's wearing your stuff.
You said this never happens.
Of course it never happens.
There's a reason for it.
Back streets, you didn't know the way.
She had leaves in her hair! But I met her on Tinder, she had a phone.
Yeah, she's homeless, she's not phoneless.
Prepaid plan, 10 bucks a month, five nights accommodation.
- That's not a bad deal.
- Oh, shit! Come to think of it, she's always commenting on how soft my bed is.
- How soft YOUR bed is? - Yes.
- The one I bought with you? - Mmm.
Mate, there's one thing firmer than that mattress, and that is - Concrete.
- Probably what she's used to.
Oh, shit! - She sleep on the floor? - Yes, all the time.
- Checkmate.
- Oh, God.
- I'm having an anxiety attack.
- It's alright.
Hey, it's alright.
Hey, hey, hey, Stokes, Stokes.
- What? - Here's what we're gonna do.
Tonight after the shift, I'll come back with you, I'll take care of it for you, I'll get her out of there.
(SIGHS) Maybe on the weekend we'll get a new mattress for you too.
Yeah.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Surveillance pushing further east.
- MAN: Copy that.
Um, travelling.
- WOMAN ON RADIO: Affirmative.
Darling.
What now? I just want to say, if they get sexual, just look away.
Don't put yourself through it, okay? Just look away.
It's not going to get sexual, darling.
I don't think it's that type of thing.
- But, okay, yep.
- I don't want you to get upset.
And if it ends up getting sexual In the unlikely event that it gets sexual, I will look away.
And likewise.
Likewise? Likewise, if it gets sexual with me, then I'd probably prefer you to look away as well.
(LAUGHS) What's so funny about that? Really, darling, I don't think there's any threat of that.
- I think you're safe.
- Oh, really? Why? Is that because I'm disgusting? That's really lovely.
That's that's great.
Thanks, darling.
Darling, I'm just saying I think you're safe.
- I think you're gonna be okay.
- Because you know them? You know their preferences, you know what they're into, do you, darling? Darling, I think if I was a betting woman, I would be betting on me rather than you, okay? Okay, Elizabeth, uh, no offence, but I'm gonna say it.
This is a little bit homophobic, what you're saying now.
- I am the furthest from homophobic.
- I was gonna go with narrow-minded.
I don't know, I don't know.
It's 2016.
- I know what year it is, darling.
- Elizabeth, I'm work Stephen from work just went to New York and married a man.
What has that got to do What it's got to do with it is that the world is a different place now and anything can happen, and for you to jump to a conclusion that there are two straight men in that room who wanna have sex with you is a conclusion that is very 1950s, that's all I'm saying.
19 Really, darling? Darling, I hope they come.
BERNARD: Get your head out of the last century.
I hope they come down and they give you what you want, darling, I really do.
- And I will not look away.
- Good.
- I will be absolutely present.
- Neither will I.
- Great.
- Enjoy.
Have fun.
- Kidnappers! Kidnappers! - Oh! Can you please Stop it.
- Excuse me! - Stop it.
- Elizabeth, shut up.
- Bernie wants to ask you something! - Oh, I don't want to ask anything! - ELIZABETH: He does! - I don't! - (SHOUTS) Keep it down! - BERNIE: That's fine.
- (SHOUTS) That's your last warning! Can you shut up, please? WOMAN ON RADIO: Unidentified vehicle on nearby street.
Probably nothing.
OFFICER: Stand-by, we'll call you back.
- Why is it being filmed, you know? - Yeah.
And where's the team-mate saying, "Hey, Jarred," you know, "get your dick out of the eel"? I don't (SIGHS) It's just - It's Beau's.
- The stool in the boot? - It's Beau's poo.
- How can that be? Wow.
- Maybe he's trying to set Lachy up.
- Maybe.
Beau does do his business, you know, number twos with the door open.
- Is that a clue? - I don't know.
I-I don't think so.
I think it's very refreshing, I think it's very open.
You know, he's got nothing to hide, doesn't need to shut the door.
Sure.
Sure.
Maybe it was Lachy, though.
Maybe he somehow, I don't know, got Beau's (CLEARS THROAT) waste and put it in the boot.
Oh, okay, so you're saying that Lachy, my son Yeah.
has somehow managed to, I don't know he made a contraption that's captured Beau's poo or, what, he's gone in there and fished it out himself and he's put it in the boot, all the while knowing that I will probably take a sample of that, run it down to the lab, find that it actually is Beau's poo, and then I'll be thinking, "Beau is trying to set Lachy up"? That that's what you think happened? Sorry, yeah.
It was it was just a theory.
Now that I've said that out loud I am thinking that that is possibly what's happened, and I've got Lachy's name ringing in my ears.
Yeah.
I mean, if he submitted that as a project at school I mean, I'm not condoning it, but what I'm saying is a lot of Yeah, it's clever, yeah.
He's clever.
RADIO HOST: In breaking news, the eel at the centre of the Burrows sex scandal has died.
Stay with us now for a Robert Palmer double play.
Needed to know that.
(TURNS OFF RADIO) - Not a surprise.
- Fail, eh? - So where we you - Oh, here we go.
when Robert Palmer died? Robert Palmer's dead? - What, you didn't know? - No! Oh, I'm sorry.
You okay? - When did this happen? - Like, ages ago.
Over a decade.
2003.
- You're kidding?! - I'm not kidding.
- Robert Palmer, the singer? - Dead.
The singer.
- 'Addicted to Love'.
'Heavy Nova'.
- 'Simply Irresistible'.
- Definitely dead? - Dead.
Paris.
- How did he die? - Heart attack.
- Paris? - Dead.
Deceased.
- How did I not know that? - I don't know.
Hang on.
Uh, car 72.
Come in, over.
Car 72, copy that.
Carol here.
HENDY: Um, Robert Palmer, do you think he's alive or dead? Alive.
Apparently he's not.
Apparently he's dead.
April, did you know that Robert Palmer's dead? Nuh.
It was a great album, though, wasn't it? - Oh, yeah, good film clips.
- Oh, hot.
'Simply Irresistible', that's one of my favourites.
- Oh, yes! - Just did myself some serious damage.
- Did you? - I did.
You know, I remember at 2 minutes 15, that was a highlight for me.
- Oh, that was the moment for you? - Yeah, it's, uh - Did you pause it? - Mmmm.
And sometimes to mix it up, I'd also stop at 3:43.
That was another highlight, just You know the way they're I just love that.
- They were just - Bored, thinking, "I hate you.
" - Yeah, sort of vague contempt.
- Yeah.
Not that they know who you are.
Listless nothingness, like the shark eyes, just dead.
- You like that, don't you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
You've got that now.
Do that.
That's it, that's just like them.
But, mmm, that kind of stuff really turns me on.
I just wanted to crack it and make it smile, make them want me a bit, but, you know, they didn't they didn't they didn't reciprocate.
- You've got a type, don't you? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- RADIO: Vehicle's rego cleared.
- OFFICER: Copy.
Out.
Do you like being a kidnapper, eh? You've done this before, haven't you? I've done a lot of stuff, yeah.
- What did you do before kidnapping? - Bit of standover work.
Security at a brothel.
- You worked at a brothel? - Yeah.
Did you get to, like, you know, touch 'em? - Of course you do.
You got to.
- Really? If you don't touch them, you offend them.
Why? That's their job, that's what they do.
They get touched.
You go around not touching them, they'd feel a bit weird, like, not good enough or something.
- Were any of them, like, hot? - Oh, yeah.
Julia Roberts 'Pretty Woman' hot? - Yeah.
- Wow.
I mean, not all of them are hot but Well, there was one that wasn't hot at all, 70-year-old Nancy.
I mean, some blokes are into that kind of stuff.
I'm not into it.
But I tell you what, she changed my life.
I was in a I was in a loveless marriage for a long time.
- Yeah.
- You know? Lost the spark, we didn't touch each other anymore.
And Nancy took me in one day She said, "Look, I've got thousands of tricks" "that I've accumulated over the course of these decades.
"Well, I can teach them to you.
I'm a wealth of knowledge.
" "Take them home to your wife, and who knows?" "It might just fix your marriage.
" I was a bit sceptical, of course, I was like, well You know, little by little I tried these moves on the missus, and I'd just see the spark that fucking came up in her eye.
You know? You see, I was giving her this attention, mate, and I was fucking feeling like a champion, mate, feeling like a champion.
And so I'd go back and, you know, get some more moves off the old lady, and sooner or later, this marriage just blossomed, completely blossomed, mate, you know.
Sitting there one day and looking each other in the eye and simultaneously fucking came.
Never done that before.
Both tears fucking Fucking beaming, mate, happiest day of our life.
Happiest day of our life.
Did you tell your wife about this? I don't need to tell my wife about Nancy, mate.
If I tell my wife that I've been fucking a 70-year-old prostitute, she's not gonna be happy anymore, is she? You're right, so Nancy saved your marriage.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Then she died.
- What, your wife? - No, Nancy.
Oh.
Divorced my wife.
Ran out of tricks.
APRIL ON RADIO: Car 72, please report.
STOKES: Car 72, no activity.
So, he gives me my change.
There's a $10 note, $5 note and some coins.
How do you think he puts it in my hand? Um, mmm, I guess notes, then coins.
- Notes THEN coins.
- Yeah.
Oops, the coins slippy-slidey, fall down the thing.
- I see where you're going with this.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- How hard is it? Coins then notes.
- Yep.
- COINS then notes.
- Coins, mmm.
Like, you've got a pouch there for coins, you've got a claw there for notes.
- Pouch.
Claw.
Pouch.
Claw.
- Coins.
Pouch.
Coins.
- Pouch.
Claw.
Pouch.
Claw.
- That was built for it.
Oh, mate, if you designed a machine to receive change, it would look just like a hand.
Ngoh-ohh.
Gah-ohh.
We're the only country in the world who does it like that.
Everywhere else in the world that I've travelled, coins then notes.
Only here, notes, ee-ah-ung, coins.
Did you know that? We're the only country.
- Yes, I did.
- How'd you know that? Because you've told me this entire story before.
You went to the service station, you bought a sausage roll, the guy gave you a tenner, a fiver and some coins, and the coins slipped down into the chewie container.
Why didn't you stop me if I've already told you? Because I didn't realise until you got to the end about being in a different country.
We need new things to talk about.
This is happening way too often.
Yeah, it certainly is.
Like your jet ski story, I've heard that about 15 times.
- Oh, that's a good one.
- Not really.
- You wanna hear it again? - Nup.
Righto.
WOMAN ON RADIO: Moving units towards city.
Car 22, okay? OFFICER: Moving units, copy.
Out.
Ooh! - I've got a hearing to be, um - What for? To be reinstated into the active duty.
Shhh! NEWSREADER: Allegations of sexual misconduct Alright, we just want a quick apology, make a donation to the RSPCA and we'll all move on.
BURROWS: I take full responsibility for my actions of last Saturday evening, and apologise unreservedly to all involved.
- Wait for it.
- Words can't express how awful I - Wait for what? - Mental illness.
felt at learning that the fire eel from the aquarium tank Is he crying already? It sounds like he's gonna cry.
You'd expect more from a big footballer.
BURROWS: This is something that I'd actually - Look at him, he's like actually - Mental illness.
- He looks actually like - Mental illness.
cause any more damage to this great club, and that is why I'm standing down from next week's grand final.
Oh, fuck! That that's us who suffer, the supporters.
- Your team.
- My team! Oh, God, that's bad.
BURROWS: I have a problem with alcohol.
- That's Mmm.
- Oh, do you? Or do the marine life in your area have a problem with your alcohol? Hah, he sleeps with the fishes.
BURROWS: dealing with the pressure of the modern game.
Mental illness.
Mental illness.
Depression.
Mental illness.
Here it comes.
Mental illness, mental illness, mental illness! I've battled depression my entire career.
They've gotta do it, mate.
Look, you know, I had no idea about that.
You poor fella.
You had no idea, he had no idea until this morning when they told him to say it in his press conference.
Well, it's not depression.
You fucked an eel, mate.
- BURROWS: I'd like to - (APRIL WHISPERS) Sorry.
I mean, what about his mate? Mate who filmed it.
- (STEVE SIGHS) - That's fucking mental illness.
Well, that's it, I'm I'm not even gonna watch the grand final.
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, but you were never gonna watch it.
Please, don't confuse your apathy towards sports with the sacrifice I will be making.
Alright.
Sorry.
Fuck you, Burrows! - You right, Lee?! - Sorry.
CAROL: Walking here! Once again, we suffer, the fans suffer.
Mmm, and the eel.
Well, I mean but after that, the fans suffer, even more so because of the eel.
The eel suffered more than the fans ever could.
You know, if the eel was not in the right place at the right time, the fans wouldn't suffer.
STOKES: You sure you don't want to hear the jet ski story? HENDY: I feel like you're gonna say it anyway.
STOKES: Okay, so I'm jet-skiing in tropical Fiji - HENDY: No, you were in Bali.
- STOKES: Was I? - HENDY: Yes, you were in Bali.
- STOKES: Oh, right.
Anyway, they gave me a ladies jet ski, right? Stay with me too So blind, I listened to you I couldn't stay with you too long I couldn't stay with you too I I'll give my jealousy to