Odd Mom Out (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Ugh, can you believe that there's another Jewish holiday next week - and school is closed again.
- Another one? - Yeah.
- Ugh, when will it end? Sorry, it's all part of our conspiracy to take over the world.
[chuckles.]
Anyway, I was thinking of organizing a guided tour of the Met with an art historian for the kids that day.
Oh, count us in.
That night we have a Navy Seal coming to meet with the family about disaster preparedness.
Oh, we did that last year.
We have six Go Bags from BlackUmbrella.
com.
And enough food and water in our safe room for a year.
Wait, what? Are you guys serious? Jill, wake up and smell the Zika virus.
Anything can happen.
Extreme weather, ISIS attacks, - zombie apocalypse.
- You have to have a plan.
- We have a $16,000 - [cell phone beeping.]
Inflatable family life raft that we can board right on the river next to Brearly.
Huh.
Weird.
Jill, what could be more important than preparing for the end of the world? Sorry, nothing.
Just breaking news buzz that kale's been declassified as a superfood.
- What? - Kale? - What? - Is this a joke? - That can't be.
- No, no.
I was just beginning to enjoy it.
- There's folic acid - I'll call my lawyer.
There's tons of minerals Someone has got to do something about this.
- No - I have to - I won't believe it.
- Shit! [all panicking.]
[exhales.]
Is there vodka here? Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine It was the best risotto we've had on the show.
It was those tomatoes.
They were delicious - on the plate.
- Guys, please turn off the TV.
- They were so sweet.
- I've been awake 20 minutes and I'm already hungry.
Longest day of the year.
You know, you don't have to fast.
My parents are here and we always fast on Yom Kips.
I've been doing it since I had feathered bangs at my Bat Mitzvah.
This is the holiest day of the year.
Turn that goddamn thing off.
- Hey.
- Turn it back on.
Absolutely not.
Today is about reflection and apology and bad breath.
It's, like, National Halitosis day for the Jews.
Yeah, why does fasting make your breath so bad? Only Adonai knows, but if you want Christmas, you are doing Yom Kippur.
Ugh.
Oh, God Jill, I am begging you to have a sip of coffee.
- [sniffs.]
- It'll be better for everybody.
[exhales.]
Miles, you are not wearing Crocs - to synagogue.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
- I hate you! I can't fight this battle.
I'm too weak today.
Listen, even though I am technically Episcopalian, I am going to fast with you this year in solidarity.
That is so nice.
What're we atoning for again? Bad shit we did.
[Jewish music.]
And we say together all: Amen.
[singing in Hebrew.]
Is that Toby Schmidt in the tweed? Oh, she looks wonderful.
No, Mom, that's Iris Shimmel.
Really? Oh, she looks terrible.
On Rosh Hashanah we reflect.
On Yom Kippur we consider.
Who shall live for the sake others? Who dying shall leave a heritage of life? Oh, that reminds me.
Andy, do me a favor.
Take a look at this afterwards, all right? We updated our wills.
Oh, good, you didn't forget.
You're doing this here? Yeah, we decided that you're gonna be our "Do Not Resuscitate" person if you're up for it.
It'd be an honor, Alan.
- Okay.
- Wait, what? You mean your plug-puller if you're on life support? Yeah, we realized we can't be each others.
- Too emotional.
- Mm-hmm.
We rise on page 354.
And why did Andy get the job? Why not me? Honey, Andy is an attorney, okay? And he's very level-headed.
Yeah, but I'm your daughter.
If anyone gets to kill you, - it should be me.
- Shh! Oh, hi, Jill.
Sorry, I didn't realize it was you.
- [speaking Hebrew.]
- all: Amen.
Please be seated.
What're you doing here? It's the holiest day of the Jewish Calendar.
A time of reflection and redemption.
Yeah, I know.
I'm Jewish.
And now I am too.
I told Jared if we made it to ten years, I'd convert.
He's in Singapore right now.
Anyway, Brooke was nice enough to give me the day off, so Day off from telling her she's not fat? No, silly.
I'm the "Dreamer in Chief" of her new fashion house, von Weber.
It's going to be huge.
Right, right, right.
I keep forgetting.
Anyway, Mazel.
Please rise as we return the Torah to the ark.
[all singing in Hebrew.]
[Stephanie singing loudly in Hebrew.]
The campaign needs to ooze decadence.
It's about saying yes, not thinking twice, no regrets.
- Amazing, love that.
- [dog whimpers.]
And you love that too, don't you? Who's a good therapy dog? Whose helping me think - about the needs of others? - [door opens.]
Sorry to interrupt.
I just talked to the broker and the space on Madison and 73rd is actually 575 per square foot, which means we need an additional 500K or we're back to the drawing board.
No, I want that location.
I'll call Howie.
Damn it.
My entire legal and accounting departments are out for Yom Kippur.
So annoying.
I'm gonna have to talk directly to the investors.
Can you give me the room, ladies? This isn't gonna be pretty.
You shake those money trees.
I will, girl.
I think J'neece is working out well, don't you? She's a dream.
She reminds me of someone else who had a dream.
[rock music.]
[cell phone buzzing.]
[exhales.]
You know, I was meditating this morning, and I visualized this call.
- It's time.
- I'm calling on business, Lex.
Oh, right.
Yeah, I'm all ears.
Fire away.
For reasons I'd rather not go into, it turns out we're going to need another 500K for the retail store.
On top of what I already fronted? I I'm gonna have to run that up the flagpole, babe.
You are the flagpole, and don't call me "babe.
" If you can't do it, I'll find another investor who can.
Wait, I hear you, and I honor your integrity.
Consider it done.
I'm just gonna have to run that by Pete and let Ernie know.
So you going to that break-fast later at Jillie's? Brooke? [singing in Hebrew.]
Starv-acious.
[quietly.]
Oh, oh.
You both have living wills, right? Uh, why do I not remember doing that? Because we didn't.
We just have regular wills.
You're walking around without living wills? Yeah, I mean, an air conditioner could fall on you on your way home and you'd be on life support.
Okay, we'll deal with it.
Please turn to page 469 to continue silent worship.
I assume we'll be each others plug-pullers, right? Uh, yeah, sure, I guess so.
- Shh! - Sorry.
Sorry.
- [cell phone rings.]
- Oh, my God, never been so happy to hear your voice.
I am so crabby and my breath is so bad, you could bottle it, ship it to Syria, and we'd win the war on terror.
- Oh, that's appetizing.
- [sighs.]
Hey, I need to do a living will.
What do you think of Andy as my plug-puller? Mm, I think you could do better.
- Seriously? - You need a hardass.
- Andy's too nice.
- Okay, glad I asked.
So what's going on in the normal world, aside from lots of eating.
I can hear you chewing, by the way.
Sorry.
Well, here's something: Elliot came over last night, we hung out, had better than average sex, but this morning we woke and I'm how do I say this? - Repulsed.
- Why? Did he have, like, mouth crust or something? No, it's more like he woke up hideous.
- Is that possible? - If I had to guess, I would say that you're realizing that you hate him or that you're falling in love with him, and it's freaking you out.
Um, no, - and no.
- Okay, is it something fixable? - Like the butt-cut.
- What butt-cut? Oh, you know, his middle part.
[silently.]
Ew [normal voice.]
Um, okay, anyhow, I'll let you get back to atoning.
What can we bring tonight? - Oh - Oh, shit, here comes my mom.
Hi, Vanessa.
Get off the phone, Jill.
I gotta go.
I'll call you later.
[rock music.]
She called me.
I'm just a little hurt you didn't even consider me to be your plug-puller.
Feels a little sexist.
Oh, honey, it isn't that we thought you wouldn't be good at it.
We know you can be a cold-hearted bitch - when you need to be.
- Really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better? Oh, of course not, darling.
I just think that you're oversensitive because you're fasting.
Well, you're fasting too.
We all are.
Aren't we? Yeah, I'm fasting.
I just had a mouthful of cottage cheese with my blood pressure pills and Daddy has to have his toast, you know, his peanut butter toast, or he gets so grumpy.
So you're not fasting.
I feel totally and utterly betrayed.
Oh, come on.
It was two bites, Meryl Streep.
Let's get back.
One, two, three, four.
[groans.]
Can't speak - Three minutes to sundown.
- Too hungry.
- Beautiful.
- I gotta say, this was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
I feel like I could fast for a few more days now.
I feel great.
Jill, dear, last time I was here I brought a wonderful bottle of Russian vodka - This fish looks great, honey.
- Can we start of what? [dramatic music.]
- Wah - Wah, wah, wah.
all: Wah, wah, wah - [sexy music.]
- Baby Her appetite never ceases to amaze me.
Feel so good [lilting music.]
Jill.
- Mm, my sister.
- [chuckles.]
- My friend.
- Hi, Lex.
Sorry I smell like a fish who ate an onion, and it's only gonna get worse.
Do you know when Brooke is getting here? Brooke's coming? I hope so.
- Excuse me one second.
- [laughs.]
Yes, yes, I'm constantly being told that I look decades younger than I am.
In fact, last week I was carded at Cipriani.
- [chuckles.]
- Is that so? But there is one thing I'm wondering about.
Alan, see this freckle here? Does this look questionable to you? I'll have a look here.
Um, looks, uh looks fine to me.
You realize Alan was an orthopedic surgeon.
You know, I yeah, I better see if Jill needs help.
If you're, uh, concerned about it, I have a good friend who's a dermatologist.
Park Avenue doctor.
Very good.
How old is he? [whispers.]
She's seducing your father? She belongs in a Burberry straightjacket.
Oh, she's just needy.
Ugh, I hate that they come here every year.
Why would you celebrate Yom Kippur if you didn't have to? It's the brown crayon of holidays.
Hey, by the way, have you taken Hazel to the orthodontist yet? It's time.
No, Mom, I've been busy.
I really regret not getting you braces.
It's not too late, though, you know.
Everyone at the club is doing Invisalign.
Okay, thank you, Mom.
[rock music.]
Is there a special wine for breaking the fast? Don't ask me.
I'm a lapsed Catholic.
Ooh, this is one of my favorites.
[sexy music.]
That looks good.
But this might go better with a fish.
[dramatic music.]
It's okay.
We can get the red or both.
[sexy music.]
Unless you want to see if they have a Lambrusco.
Or not.
I thought you liked Lambrusco.
I go back and forth.
Sign next to the blue tabs.
There and there.
I do this for a living, Alan, but thanks.
You've been out of work, so, uh so maybe a little rusty.
Jill, how about I ask Harvey to draw up a couple of living wills for both of you, okay? It's pretty standard practice, uh, since you're signing for each other.
Yeah, um [clears throat.]
We just need to talk about it first.
What's to talk about? We're married.
That's what marriage is all about.
Well, I'm just afraid that you might be too upset to pull the plug if things got really ugly.
You underestimate me.
I can do it.
No question.
Let's say there is a car accident on the Cross Bronx Expressway, and your wife is catapulted head-first - through the windshield.
- Oh, my God, Alan.
This is very important to talk about.
I mean, Jill can't drive, and we all know that the passenger side is the death seat.
Mm, this is delicious, honey.
Or, picture this, Jill, I don't know, just skis [grunts.]
Right into a tree.
Right, total organ failure.
She's brain dead, living in a vegetative state with a string of drool coming out of her mouth just like what happened to, uh, Sue Menkowitz, - may she rest in peace.
- Okay, shh, the kids, please.
They're in the other room.
See? He can't even have a conversation about it.
Whereas I can look at the facts and take clear decisive action.
Hey, are you trying to get my job here? Mm, no, no, no, no, now that I think about it, Andy, you had to excuse yourself during Miles' bris.
That's different.
That's my baby son's foreskin being snipped in front of thirty people kibbitzing.
Uh, that's a barbaric tradition I agree.
That is not a good test.
Oh, now, now, now, I don't think it's barbaric.
In fact, I imagine that all the men here are circumcised, - am I right? - Mother, please.
And Fielding, of course, had an unclipped saucisson, but I got used to it.
- Ugh.
- Mom! - Mom! - God! [stammers.]
Can we get back to the will? Yes.
I'm a pragmatist.
If someone is on life support and they are not coming back, - I am pulling the plug.
- Really? Even for me with the ski-into-a-tree scenario? Pulling the plug over a little drool seems excessive, but Babe, the day I can't remember our kids names, - I wanna be offed.
- Fine, you win.
You're dead.
Happy? - Oh.
- Yes, I feel much better.
- Thank you.
- Great.
Can we talk about something else? - Anything else.
- Well, in the spirit of your little holiday, I've been doing some reflecting myself, and it occurred to me that back in the '80s I had a few dinner dates with Bill Cosby.
- Oh.
- He never laid a hand on me.
Not even once.
I mean, I'm haunted by it.
You should have seen me back then.
I was I was a knockout.
Wait, I have a picture in my purse.
Burberry straightjacket.
Kids, dessert.
I've changed my mind.
Pull the plug now.
What took you so long? You missed an actual trip to Hades.
We all boarded an Amtrak train and went to Hades together.
Sorry, Elliot keeps swinging from hot to hid, and now it's speeding up.
It's like I have sexual schizophprenia.
Why? He looks fine to me.
Ugh.
Ugh, I gotta go deal with this.
No, don't do anything rash.
This is normal.
Everyone has this.
Has what? [door closes.]
Sorry I'm so late.
Rough day at the office.
Both: Hi, Brooke.
Jill, I'm sure today must have been hard for you because you're not used to fasting.
Hi, Brooke.
- Happy holiday.
- What do you want, Lex? Well, I just wanted to let you know that I fasted today to atone for what I put you and our family through, and [sighs.]
I miss you.
I miss our homes.
I miss our kids.
Well, I wish you'd considered that before you made a mockery of our wedding vows.
So do I.
I was in pain, and I acted out instead of reaching out.
I'm just asking for a second chance.
I've already talked to you more than I promised myself I would.
I suggest you eat something.
You smell like you have an eating disorder.
Vanessa, it's good to see you.
Thanks, you too.
This purse is cool.
Oh, thanks, it's one of my designs.
Uh, the logo is on the inside.
We're transcending labels.
Actually, you should have it.
Me? Really? Sure.
That's really nice.
Oh, wow.
That is doing wonders for you already.
It really amplifies your "inner-light," as Joy Green would say.
Wait, is that the "Joy Manifesto" lady? - I keep hearing about that.
- Yeah, you want my copy? I've got ten more at home.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
- Happy Yom Kippur, you guys.
- Thanks.
Brooke, may I offer you a bagel or some kugel? Jill, I'm not an animal, but I did want you to know that I also spent today reflecting on the past year.
[sighs.]
The truth is, I've been holding onto some anger since the troubles, but I forgive you, Jill.
Okay, but it seems like you're forgetting that Oh, no.
I don't forget, but I do forgive, and now you need to forgive yourself for what you put me through.
Can you do that? I think I can.
One, two, three, four.
[rock music.]
And pajamas now, kids.
Has anyone seen Vanessa? - You okay, babe? - Yeah, I got a splinter, and it's, like, in my blind spot.
- I can't see? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep.
I see.
- It's tiny.
- Ow, ow.
Ooh, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, it's okay.
Do do what has to be done.
Okay, I just I don't want to hurt you.
- Okay.
- Just swoop in there.
- Yep, okay.
- Just Come on, grow a pair.
Just do it, just do it.
Oh I'm doing it.
I'm doing what needs to be done.
[dramatic music.]
- Oh - [grunting.]
Doing it.
Oh, God, oh.
[cringes.]
Oh, God, it's bleeding.
- It's bleeding.
- Oh, for Chrissake.
If you can't even pull out a splinter I know.
Who was I kidding? If you were on life support and there was a 0% chance of survival, I would spend the rest of my days scouring the earth trying to find a cure.
It's okay.
It's okay.
[paper ripping.]
It takes serious chutzpah to leave your own break-fast in the middle of dessert.
I like to start the New Year off with something to atone for.
Right off the bat.
Okay, back to Elliot.
Did you finally do it? If by "do it" you mean have sex in your broom closet, then, yes.
- Huge apologies.
- What? It started with me paving the way to a breakup, I swear, but then he suddenly turned hot again, so I just went with it.
The stats are averaging out to me finding him hot, like, 65% of the time, and 35% hiddy.
- Is that bad? - Wait a minute.
Okay, carry the one.
Yep, I have news for you: that's about how it breaks down with Andy and me.
- Give or take.
- Really? Yeah, so maybe Elliot's the one Wow, give it a rest.
[upbeat music.]
I hope you'll forgive me for going with Vanessa as my plug-puller, but I needed someone with a thicker skin.
I get it.
I get it.
And I want you to know I am so happy to still be your executioner.
You know, thanks, but I think I'm gonna go another way.
Another way? What does that mean? I want extreme measures, babe.
[clears throat.]
I don't mind waiting around for a decade or two while they come up with a way to revive me, so for my plug-puller, I'm going with Frank from the gym.
Wait, Frank, the guy with the gappy teeth? Yep.
Love you.
[dramatic music.]
[grunts.]
[exhales.]
That's better.
I love you too.
[rock music.]
For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.
com.
- [seagulls cawing.]
- Oh, dear.