Outnumbered (2007) s02e02 Episode Script
The Dead Mouse
You should vote for me as class rep for 3K in this election because That is very good.
That is very clear.
.
.
A I can eat live worms.
No, that's an interesting start, but B, I know the difference between a Gigantasaurus and a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Time to get moving! Yeah, that's good too, but DEEP GRAVELLY VOICE: C, I can do this voice.
There's something to be said for a short speech, Ben.
You said we'd leave ten minutes ago! I know, but we can't leave until Jane finally drops off Alexa.
You should have told her I said! I did.
I said 7:30 so she'd be here at 8.
What is it now? Maybe I should start telling her an hour earlier.
Or a day! Maybe you should just tell her that she can't go on mucking everyone around like this.
.
.
N, I'm brilliant at football.
P "I'm brilliant at the alphabet.
" I can do this voice.
Yeah.
You've already said that one.
Now come on, get your shoes on and on your feet this time.
BEEPING Oh, they're collecting the bins, must be a leap year.
Now get your shoes on.
Look, Pete, it's about our holiday.
I've checked the website and today's the last day we can cancel and still get some of our money back.
Right Well, I suppose it'd stop us getting deeper in the hole.
Jake's texting Jo! Jake's in love with Jo! Jake wants to sex Jo.
Ben! Can't you control him? I think you know the answer to that.
You're taking the beeping beep.
I've seen better beeping souffle up your beeping beep beep.
Ben! Get your shoes on.
Come on.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Wah wah! I hate Hell's Kitchen.
It's too hot.
It's too horrid.
Oh, boo-hoo Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Pete You've rearranged the stuff I put in the dishwasher! Yes, the knives don't clean properly unless they're blade up.
You're going to stab yourself.
Listen, there's a mouse in the trap in the laundry room.
Dead? No, he's doing his laundry.
Can you deal with it, please? OK.
.
DOORBELL RINGS Jake, can you let Jane and Alexa in, please? Can I've some ice cream money? You've got money in your piggy bank.
I spent it.
What on? On my friends.
Well, that's nice.
I gave everybody in my class 20p.
in the school council election.
Ben! You can't give all your classmates 20p to buy their votes.
Why? Isn't it enough? No, no, you see, Ben, that isn't how democracy works.
What am I saying? Anyway, can I've some ice cream money? Ben! I said get your shoes on.
Come on! Next up is Nigella.
Oommy, awhwy, slurpy, skirpy Lovely, 'ovely, scrummy, tasty, mastey, slurpy, burpy Not Jane.
Two men delivering a shelving unit.
The one I waited in for yesterday.
Can you get them to put it in the sitting room, please? No, they've gone.
They put it in the hall.
Oh! Oh, it's flatpack! They didn't say anything on their website about it being flatpack.
Is some furniture not flatpack then? Karen! What's up with the suit, Dad? You up in front of another disciplinary panel? What happens at a funeral? Well, erwhen someone dies, all their friends get together and they say goodbye to them.
said goodbye before the person died? Well, ideally, yes Ben! Shoes! Delicious, pernicious, lovely, lovely Let's have a taste now Yuck! That was just beeping beeping beeping beeping beeping beeping bollocks! You're beeping beeping out! See you next beeping beeping Thursday.
Good beeping bye.
DOORBELL RINGS I got that.
Right, that's Jane.
Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for her.
But she's a single mum Don't get involved and Hi, Jane.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, what am I like? It's just that Nick rang to talk about the maintenance at eight in the morning and, can you believe this? That's terrible.
Still, er, we'd better get Alexa in the car and off to school, eh, Alexa? I've been telling Mummy that all morning.
Don't often see you in a suit, Pete.
Funeral.
One of his work colleagues died suddenly.
Oh, Pete! Isn't death just the worst? My uncle died when Nick and me were still together and Nick just couldn't relate to the grieving process.
Just brought everything back to him him him.
If it wasn't about him he's not interested.
Can you imagine how annoying that can get? Yes.
Ben and Karen have you got your PE kit? I know, let's play Stupid Mummies again.
Yes.
Oh, what am I like? I'm like a silly mummy that's always late and says, "Oh, I know it's a bit cheeky, but can Alexa stay for ever?" Oh, what am I like? What am I like? No, what am I like? No, what am I like? Come on, Jake! wagons roll Can I ask you something? Can't it wait? I just wondered if you could have Alexa this evening.
I know it's cheeky of me Oh, I'm really sorry.
We'd love to, it's just It's just that we're We're going out.
Yeah.
We're going out cos Pete's got this work do, haven't you? And we've got a babysitter.
Oh, right, she couldn't just have one more if I No.
Cos she'll only do three at a time.
It's a kind of rule.
It's an agency thing, health and safety.
If they do more than three, they insist on sending a second sitter.
There was an incident Yes, where a childescaped.
Oooh Where did you put that, Sue? Well, do you know, Pete, I think I gave it to you.
Right, I'll get that for you.
Here it is.
CAR HORN BEEPS Oh, God, that's me double parked.
People get so worked up, don't they? Well, they do if they're driving an ambulance.
SIREN WAILS Bye-bye, sweetie.
Bye.
All right, time to go.
Mummy was shouting on the phone to Daddy.
Was she? Come on, boys.
Come on! She said the F word and the B word and the K word K word? I think it's a spelling thing.
Oh.
Come on, come on, everyone.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Heath.
Heath who? Heath in love with Jo! Hi, Sue! Hi, Barbara.
Morning, Sue.
Morning, Sue.
Hi, Sue.
Hi, kids.
Shut it, you little prick! I don't care, shut up, you little bloody idiot! Boys! I'm going to kill you! Just cos you're bigger than me Lucy, get that box by the door.
It's just one or two things that came over the fence Oh, just Boys, boys, please! .
.
Just chuck them back over.
The tea pot might break.
Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean that you can push me around I'm going to kill you! Ben, get in the car! Thanks.
Obviously, we'll do the same for you should your children throw anything in our gardenever.
Can you get in the bloody car, please?! SQUABBLING CONTINUES They do get excitable, don't they? Mine are just the same.
I think not.
How does she do that? Is it witchcraft? CAR ENGINE STARTS Ben! I told you never touch the ignition! I was only trying to help.
Ahh! The anaconda is attacking me.
Revenge of the enemy giant anaconda nest.
Argh! Fire! Pift, pift, gloc, oh, oh Come back here, you! Prrrrrrrr! Argh! Dead! Jake, sweetheart, could you do me a favour and go and get the screwdriver, you know the one in the cupboard upstairs? OK.
So, Joit's great that Jake has a friend who's a girl .
.
as well as all his friends who are boys.
Cos a lot of boys his age just have boys as friends until they get girls as friends who are, girl-friends Hmm But that's usually when they're a lot older, isn't it? Yeah.
That's true.
(Never call me sweetheart.
) Oh, not that one, the one with the different heads.
God! You're a beeping waste of beeping space.
Why are you saying "beep"? It's babyish.
It is not.
Cos whenever Gordon Brown says a swear word on telly, there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it.
You've got it all wrong.
One, it's Gordon Ramsay not Gordon Brown, and, two, he has a beeper in his pocket.
So when he's going to swear word, he hits his pocket and it makes a beep inside it.
Yeah, but sometimes, um when he swears, he goes, "Yeah, baby!" and his arms wave in the air really wildly.
Hello, you two.
Hello! So, how are you getting on? Ahh, I've got Allen key wrist and I think that I've put an AKX where a BGX2 should be Anyway Pete, this is Jo, Jake's friend.
Oh, hi, Jo.
Hi.
You well? Fine, thanks.
I um I think it's really good that Jake's got a friend who's a girl.
Yeah, I've already done that.
Right.
How was it? Well, it was a funeral.
Oh, I don't know.
Poor Jonty.
You know, you're 43, you feel a bit under the weather, next thing, bosh.
There's a guitar in the hall.
Oh, yeah.
I was um I was passing that guitar shop on the way back from the funeral.
You know how I wanted to learn a musical instrument for ages, but I I thought, what the hell? You've got your guitar, maybe we could, um jam together.
Do you fancy the drums, Jo? Er, no, she plays clarinet for the English National Youth Orchestra.
Oh.
And anyway you'd be crap.
Well, I'd be crap to start with, but I'll get better.
Yeah, and so will I.
so when you're a bit better, I'll get a lot better, so compared to me, you'll still be crap.
Right, so when you were little and you were crap at football, I still played in the park with you, didn't I? That's different because I'm getting better and you're getting worse.
I don't think so.
I beat him at football all the time.
No, last time we played, I nutmegged him twice.
No, he didn't.
I nutmegged you! And it's more difficult with a child, because you've got smaller legs.
Mum, isn't it true that every time Gordon Ramsay swears, there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it? Well, no, no, no, they do that afterwards.
What do you mean afterwards? It'd be too late afterwards because he'd already have sweared.
Well No, you're sort of right.
Well, wouldn't it just be easier for him not to say a swear word? Well, sometimes when he's feeling angry or he's under pressure he just Hehe Why can't he say something like flip or bother? Shouldn't it be people like doctors and soldiers and artists that swear, not cooks? All they're doing is making salad.
Well, sometime they're quite, um Hang on, why am I defending Gordon Ramsay? Yes, why are you? I think people like artists should swear because they spend a long time making a lovely picture and then it goes wrong! So they have to do it again, and it goes wrong! And they have to do it again SHOUTING What is going on out there? They're having a penalty shoot out! You're crap, and you know you are.
You're crap, and you know you are.
Yep.
Yes, yes All right, enough.
That was really sweet of you.
Sorry? To let Jake win in front of Jo.
Oh Well, you know It was really sweet of you to let Jo win as well.
Pete, Sue, um Thanks very much, but I better be heading home now.
Well, you can stay to tea if you like.
Oh, no, I promised my lot I'd cook.
But thanks anyway.
She cooks for her? So his first crush, eh? Yeah What? Maybe batting a bit out of his league.
What do you mean? Well, you know, clever, sporty, pretty, plays clarinet for England.
And? Well, the first girl I really fell for was a bit like that and she let me down with a bit of a bump.
Yeah, but Jake's a really confident and good-looking boy.
Whereas? You were a bit nerdy.
You said so yourself.
I was You said that whenever you tried to speak to a girl you broke out in a really foul smelling sweat.
Well, some girls find that kind of shyness endearing.
Not so much the sweat, but .
.
ohhh How was the funeral? Pretty grim.
Do you know Jonty was planning on having a year off, travel round the world? Then wallop.
Oh, bugger it, let's not cancel that holiday.
We'll get deeper in the hole.
The whole country's in debt.
Are we in a lot of money trouble? No.
No.
So, um, how long have you been listening? Since "really foul smelling sweat".
Zac's mum and dad had money trouble.
They had to sell their house and move to Swansea.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We didn't mean to alarm you.
We just Maybe we should talk to you kids about ittreat you like grown-ups.
Good idea.
Murderer! What? You murdered a mouse and now it's in a trap in the laundry room.
I thought you were going to sort it.
Sorry.
Murderer! Why are you blaming me? You can't have mice in the house, can you? Why not? Cos they're dirty and they smell.
So does Ben.
But they poo everywhere.
So does Ben.
That's not fair! I had diarrhoea.
But you got it on that man's shoes.
Yeah, they probably should have toilets on the Millennium Wheel.
God, what a long half-hour that was.
Anyway, Karen, it's nearly teatime.
Come and help me set the table.
You did a fantastic job last time.
No, you're a mouse killer.
Karen! I'm sorry, I meant to get rid of it, and then bloody Jane turned up.
Brilliant.
You can't rely on anyone.
No, you're right there.
Not even your friends.
You all right, sweetheart? They voted for Ross as class rep.
Ahh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did he pay them more money than you? No, he didn't give them any money.
He's just popular.
Oh, no, that's not right.
Once you've sold your vote, you should stick to it.
When are we going to have this family chat about money? We could have a family meeting over tea.
Karen! Come and sit down.
Mum, can you guarantee that we're definitely not gonna Oi! Can you guarantee we're definitely not gonna lose the house? Yes.
It's not like that.
We're just a bit short of money at the moment.
We can't even afford a cup of tea.
What do you mean? Well one day, me and Mummy were walking down the street and there was a man sitting on the pavement with his dog, with a very nice dog, actually, and he asked, "Do you have enough money for a cup of tea?" and Mum said no.
Yeah, but I didn't exactly mean He looked thirsty.
I'm sure he was thirsty.
Ben, can you? Mum was lying so that she didn't have to give the man money.
No, I wasn't lying exactly Then why did you tell him we couldn't? What if he was really, really poor? She lies and she murders mice.
All we mean is that we just have to be a bit more careful with money at the moment.
Yes, and I'm looking for another job.
PHONE RINGS Oh.
And you lot, you can all help with little things, like um Hi, Dad.
.
.
eating all your food.
Look at this.
Fantastic.
And, um, switching off all the lights.
No, no, it's tomorrow you go for your flu jab.
Do you remember, cos I wrote it on the wall? What do you mean, you cleaned the wall? I saw Ben leave his light on this morning.
Yes, Karen, it's not good to tell on people all the time.
That is not true! But yesterday you called me some bad words.
You called me a ninny Stop.
.
.
and he called me an idiot Karen .
.
and he called me a motherfudger.
No! It's not a motherfudger, it's a Ben, enough! What is a motherfudger? You don't need to know.
It's a mother that's made of fudge and you can eat them.
Is it a swear word? Doesn't matter.
Now Can I call Ben it? No, you can't Ow! What? Ben shaked me.
No, I did not! Ben Yes, you did! Ow! Right, Ben, swap with Jake.
No, I did not! Come on, sit here, please.
You're the one who pinched me, and I'll kill you! But you needn't worry about that, Dad.
No, because she's not Iranian.
No, DadDad she is not Iranian.
SQUABBLING CONTINUES Dad, Dr Higginbottom is not Iranian, right? Anyway, there's no point turning off the lights.
It's too late to stop global warming now.
Jo says that your generation's completely ruined the world for our generation.
Does she? Then you can turn the lights off so we don't have to move to Swansea.
So we could lose the house? No, no, no I know how we can save money.
Right.
By not buying broccoli.
Well, actually, broccoli isn't that expensive.
How much are we in debt? I don't know exactly how much Can you do this? I don't care.
I'm having a serious conversation with Dad.
That means you can't.
Oh, shut up! Even Karen can do that and she's half your age.
Shut up! Shut up! Jake, Jake, come and sit here.
No, that leaves Ben and Karen together.
Jake, you sit here.
No Right, Ben Idiot.
It's like musical bloody chairs.
You said "bloody".
Why is it always me who has to move? You're the one who pinched me.
You're always GENERAL SQUABBLING SHUT UP! So is the family meeting over, then? It is and we are never having another one.
What about "any other business"? Shut up.
So will you be writing out the minutes? Shut up.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Kylie Bell has written "Alexander the Great" as "Alexander the GR8".
Still, at least she knows who Alexander the Great is.
Oh, no, my mistake.
Gin and tonic? Yeah.
We haven't got any lemons.
Doesn't matter.
Or ice.
That's fine.
We've got half an hour to cancel the holiday.
Oh, God.
I suppose we should, really.
No.
Sod it.
Let's go.
Well, will we be all right financially, do you think? Probably not, but we can always sell our kidneys on eBay.
Sod it.
I don't think we've got any tonic either.
Doesn't matter.
Yeah, we'll wing it somehow.
D'you know, it turns out I was the last person to speak to Jonty before he died.
Ah.
So the last words Jonty heard from another human being were, "Don't worry, you'll live.
" Refill? Gin and gin? Yeah.
Oh, look.
This one can't spell "Alexander" or "Great", but they can spell "the".
So he should probably get a B at A-level.
Well, what do you expect from a kid who's named after a games console? Where's that mouse that you killed? I put it in a plastic bag in the bin.
I want to give it a proper funeral in the garden.
It needs closure.
Closure? Right, well, eras long as you promise to keep it in the plastic bag Don't snatch.
.
.
and you thoroughly wash your hands afterwards.
Was it a girl or a boy? I haven't had the results of the post-mortem.
Well, if it was a mummy mouse, then it might have had lots of little babies waiting in its hole for it to come back and saying, "Squeak, squeak, squeak, where's my mummy?" Why are you addressing all this to me? Because Daddy said that you were the one who couldn't bear mice.
Look, I only Karen, it was both of us decided to put out the traps, OK? Did she tell you to say that? Karen! Mouse killer.
Why is it always Mum who gets it in the neck? BELL RINGS Jake, whoever that is I know.
Just say, "No, thank you.
" Always me, isn't it? She's always all over lovely Daddy.
Hi, Jake.
I did tell her Ssh.
Bloody hell! Oh, my God, it's Jane! God! Bloody hell.
Hi, Jane.
Hi, Jane.
Pete, Sue.
I was expecting your babysitter.
I know.
Because we were going to have a babysitter, but We stood her down.
Yeah.
We've just put the phone down, haven't we? Yes.
Because we were really Pete's so You're still quite Upset The funeral.
The funeral.
So we decided to take it easy.
I came round for Alexa's book folder.
You forgot it when you took her to school.
Did we? I think it might be over here.
Look, Sue, if you have a problem with me, I would much rather you came out and said it.
Well, OK, yes, there is a problem.
Umyou never pick up when you say you're going to pick up and, to be honest, it makes things very difficult.
You're right.
Thank you for being honest.
You're probably right.
I'm useless.
I'm a useless friend and .
.
I'm a useless mother.
What's this? Heroes.
Is that the cheerleader that can't be killed? Yeah.
Dad, if you had a big red button in your chest Yeah.
.
.
and you knew that if you pushed it, you couldn't die and you'd be alive for ever, would you push it? No.
At least not until the moment I was going to die.
Then I'd push it.
Jo seems nice.
Yeah, I like her.
So you'refriends? Yeah.
Yeah, it's good to have friends.
Although sometimes I think it's, um, a good idea not to put all your eggs in one basket friends-wise.
Why? Don't you like her? Yes.
No Yes Yes, she's fantastic.
All I mean is that everyone should have lots of friends - boys, girls, all sorts.
Well, those are the only sorts.
But everyone should have lots of friends because then they won't get upset if their special friend stops being their special friend.
You and Mum are splitting up, aren't you? No! No, we're No, definitely not.
Faster than a handkerchief but slower than Ryvita.
Dad's bill.
Ah, that's faster than I thought.
Hmm.
I try really hard to stay on top of things.
I really do.
It's just that Nick's going to court to try to kick me out of the house and I'm sorry.
This isn't like me.
No.
And then everyone stood up and started talking about these amazing things .
.
amazing things that Jonty had done when he was young and I'd no idea.
I'm stuck.
Ben, stop it.
But it did make me wonder what people would say about me if I died.
They'd say you were very, very tall.
Oh.
Thank you, Ben.
And they'd also say, "Ben now can have a puppy.
" I'm glad you're putting such a positive spin on it.
Yeah, they'd say good stuff about you, Dad.
You think so? Well, it's what people have to say at funerals, isn't it? Even if the bloke who's just died is a bit of a tosser.
That's what Jo says anyway.
What would be the coolest way to die? Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this to this mouse, killed before its time.
We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell it'll have cheese on toast.
Next up is the Pope.
And the tiger chases the man up the cliff and the man falls down the cliff and the crocodiles kill him.
And you saw that on YouTube? No, but I'd like to.
Has Jane gone, then? Oh, yeah.
Oh, about time.
D'you know, it's about time we put our foot down, with all that "Ooh, boo-hoo, my life's so hard" routine.
Yeah.
Well done, sweetheart.
Cup of tea? Yeah.
Slice of cake? Mmm.
By the way, we're having Alexa for the weekend.
Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it.
Amen and out.
Thank you, Pope.
That is very clear.
.
.
A I can eat live worms.
No, that's an interesting start, but B, I know the difference between a Gigantasaurus and a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Time to get moving! Yeah, that's good too, but DEEP GRAVELLY VOICE: C, I can do this voice.
There's something to be said for a short speech, Ben.
You said we'd leave ten minutes ago! I know, but we can't leave until Jane finally drops off Alexa.
You should have told her I said! I did.
I said 7:30 so she'd be here at 8.
What is it now? Maybe I should start telling her an hour earlier.
Or a day! Maybe you should just tell her that she can't go on mucking everyone around like this.
.
.
N, I'm brilliant at football.
P "I'm brilliant at the alphabet.
" I can do this voice.
Yeah.
You've already said that one.
Now come on, get your shoes on and on your feet this time.
BEEPING Oh, they're collecting the bins, must be a leap year.
Now get your shoes on.
Look, Pete, it's about our holiday.
I've checked the website and today's the last day we can cancel and still get some of our money back.
Right Well, I suppose it'd stop us getting deeper in the hole.
Jake's texting Jo! Jake's in love with Jo! Jake wants to sex Jo.
Ben! Can't you control him? I think you know the answer to that.
You're taking the beeping beep.
I've seen better beeping souffle up your beeping beep beep.
Ben! Get your shoes on.
Come on.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Wah wah! I hate Hell's Kitchen.
It's too hot.
It's too horrid.
Oh, boo-hoo Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Pete You've rearranged the stuff I put in the dishwasher! Yes, the knives don't clean properly unless they're blade up.
You're going to stab yourself.
Listen, there's a mouse in the trap in the laundry room.
Dead? No, he's doing his laundry.
Can you deal with it, please? OK.
.
DOORBELL RINGS Jake, can you let Jane and Alexa in, please? Can I've some ice cream money? You've got money in your piggy bank.
I spent it.
What on? On my friends.
Well, that's nice.
I gave everybody in my class 20p.
in the school council election.
Ben! You can't give all your classmates 20p to buy their votes.
Why? Isn't it enough? No, no, you see, Ben, that isn't how democracy works.
What am I saying? Anyway, can I've some ice cream money? Ben! I said get your shoes on.
Come on! Next up is Nigella.
Oommy, awhwy, slurpy, skirpy Lovely, 'ovely, scrummy, tasty, mastey, slurpy, burpy Not Jane.
Two men delivering a shelving unit.
The one I waited in for yesterday.
Can you get them to put it in the sitting room, please? No, they've gone.
They put it in the hall.
Oh! Oh, it's flatpack! They didn't say anything on their website about it being flatpack.
Is some furniture not flatpack then? Karen! What's up with the suit, Dad? You up in front of another disciplinary panel? What happens at a funeral? Well, erwhen someone dies, all their friends get together and they say goodbye to them.
said goodbye before the person died? Well, ideally, yes Ben! Shoes! Delicious, pernicious, lovely, lovely Let's have a taste now Yuck! That was just beeping beeping beeping beeping beeping beeping bollocks! You're beeping beeping out! See you next beeping beeping Thursday.
Good beeping bye.
DOORBELL RINGS I got that.
Right, that's Jane.
Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for her.
But she's a single mum Don't get involved and Hi, Jane.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, what am I like? It's just that Nick rang to talk about the maintenance at eight in the morning and, can you believe this? That's terrible.
Still, er, we'd better get Alexa in the car and off to school, eh, Alexa? I've been telling Mummy that all morning.
Don't often see you in a suit, Pete.
Funeral.
One of his work colleagues died suddenly.
Oh, Pete! Isn't death just the worst? My uncle died when Nick and me were still together and Nick just couldn't relate to the grieving process.
Just brought everything back to him him him.
If it wasn't about him he's not interested.
Can you imagine how annoying that can get? Yes.
Ben and Karen have you got your PE kit? I know, let's play Stupid Mummies again.
Yes.
Oh, what am I like? I'm like a silly mummy that's always late and says, "Oh, I know it's a bit cheeky, but can Alexa stay for ever?" Oh, what am I like? What am I like? No, what am I like? No, what am I like? Come on, Jake! wagons roll Can I ask you something? Can't it wait? I just wondered if you could have Alexa this evening.
I know it's cheeky of me Oh, I'm really sorry.
We'd love to, it's just It's just that we're We're going out.
Yeah.
We're going out cos Pete's got this work do, haven't you? And we've got a babysitter.
Oh, right, she couldn't just have one more if I No.
Cos she'll only do three at a time.
It's a kind of rule.
It's an agency thing, health and safety.
If they do more than three, they insist on sending a second sitter.
There was an incident Yes, where a childescaped.
Oooh Where did you put that, Sue? Well, do you know, Pete, I think I gave it to you.
Right, I'll get that for you.
Here it is.
CAR HORN BEEPS Oh, God, that's me double parked.
People get so worked up, don't they? Well, they do if they're driving an ambulance.
SIREN WAILS Bye-bye, sweetie.
Bye.
All right, time to go.
Mummy was shouting on the phone to Daddy.
Was she? Come on, boys.
Come on! She said the F word and the B word and the K word K word? I think it's a spelling thing.
Oh.
Come on, come on, everyone.
Knock knock.
Who's there? Heath.
Heath who? Heath in love with Jo! Hi, Sue! Hi, Barbara.
Morning, Sue.
Morning, Sue.
Hi, Sue.
Hi, kids.
Shut it, you little prick! I don't care, shut up, you little bloody idiot! Boys! I'm going to kill you! Just cos you're bigger than me Lucy, get that box by the door.
It's just one or two things that came over the fence Oh, just Boys, boys, please! .
.
Just chuck them back over.
The tea pot might break.
Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean that you can push me around I'm going to kill you! Ben, get in the car! Thanks.
Obviously, we'll do the same for you should your children throw anything in our gardenever.
Can you get in the bloody car, please?! SQUABBLING CONTINUES They do get excitable, don't they? Mine are just the same.
I think not.
How does she do that? Is it witchcraft? CAR ENGINE STARTS Ben! I told you never touch the ignition! I was only trying to help.
Ahh! The anaconda is attacking me.
Revenge of the enemy giant anaconda nest.
Argh! Fire! Pift, pift, gloc, oh, oh Come back here, you! Prrrrrrrr! Argh! Dead! Jake, sweetheart, could you do me a favour and go and get the screwdriver, you know the one in the cupboard upstairs? OK.
So, Joit's great that Jake has a friend who's a girl .
.
as well as all his friends who are boys.
Cos a lot of boys his age just have boys as friends until they get girls as friends who are, girl-friends Hmm But that's usually when they're a lot older, isn't it? Yeah.
That's true.
(Never call me sweetheart.
) Oh, not that one, the one with the different heads.
God! You're a beeping waste of beeping space.
Why are you saying "beep"? It's babyish.
It is not.
Cos whenever Gordon Brown says a swear word on telly, there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it.
You've got it all wrong.
One, it's Gordon Ramsay not Gordon Brown, and, two, he has a beeper in his pocket.
So when he's going to swear word, he hits his pocket and it makes a beep inside it.
Yeah, but sometimes, um when he swears, he goes, "Yeah, baby!" and his arms wave in the air really wildly.
Hello, you two.
Hello! So, how are you getting on? Ahh, I've got Allen key wrist and I think that I've put an AKX where a BGX2 should be Anyway Pete, this is Jo, Jake's friend.
Oh, hi, Jo.
Hi.
You well? Fine, thanks.
I um I think it's really good that Jake's got a friend who's a girl.
Yeah, I've already done that.
Right.
How was it? Well, it was a funeral.
Oh, I don't know.
Poor Jonty.
You know, you're 43, you feel a bit under the weather, next thing, bosh.
There's a guitar in the hall.
Oh, yeah.
I was um I was passing that guitar shop on the way back from the funeral.
You know how I wanted to learn a musical instrument for ages, but I I thought, what the hell? You've got your guitar, maybe we could, um jam together.
Do you fancy the drums, Jo? Er, no, she plays clarinet for the English National Youth Orchestra.
Oh.
And anyway you'd be crap.
Well, I'd be crap to start with, but I'll get better.
Yeah, and so will I.
so when you're a bit better, I'll get a lot better, so compared to me, you'll still be crap.
Right, so when you were little and you were crap at football, I still played in the park with you, didn't I? That's different because I'm getting better and you're getting worse.
I don't think so.
I beat him at football all the time.
No, last time we played, I nutmegged him twice.
No, he didn't.
I nutmegged you! And it's more difficult with a child, because you've got smaller legs.
Mum, isn't it true that every time Gordon Ramsay swears, there's a man behind him with a big machine that puts a beep over it? Well, no, no, no, they do that afterwards.
What do you mean afterwards? It'd be too late afterwards because he'd already have sweared.
Well No, you're sort of right.
Well, wouldn't it just be easier for him not to say a swear word? Well, sometimes when he's feeling angry or he's under pressure he just Hehe Why can't he say something like flip or bother? Shouldn't it be people like doctors and soldiers and artists that swear, not cooks? All they're doing is making salad.
Well, sometime they're quite, um Hang on, why am I defending Gordon Ramsay? Yes, why are you? I think people like artists should swear because they spend a long time making a lovely picture and then it goes wrong! So they have to do it again, and it goes wrong! And they have to do it again SHOUTING What is going on out there? They're having a penalty shoot out! You're crap, and you know you are.
You're crap, and you know you are.
Yep.
Yes, yes All right, enough.
That was really sweet of you.
Sorry? To let Jake win in front of Jo.
Oh Well, you know It was really sweet of you to let Jo win as well.
Pete, Sue, um Thanks very much, but I better be heading home now.
Well, you can stay to tea if you like.
Oh, no, I promised my lot I'd cook.
But thanks anyway.
She cooks for her? So his first crush, eh? Yeah What? Maybe batting a bit out of his league.
What do you mean? Well, you know, clever, sporty, pretty, plays clarinet for England.
And? Well, the first girl I really fell for was a bit like that and she let me down with a bit of a bump.
Yeah, but Jake's a really confident and good-looking boy.
Whereas? You were a bit nerdy.
You said so yourself.
I was You said that whenever you tried to speak to a girl you broke out in a really foul smelling sweat.
Well, some girls find that kind of shyness endearing.
Not so much the sweat, but .
.
ohhh How was the funeral? Pretty grim.
Do you know Jonty was planning on having a year off, travel round the world? Then wallop.
Oh, bugger it, let's not cancel that holiday.
We'll get deeper in the hole.
The whole country's in debt.
Are we in a lot of money trouble? No.
No.
So, um, how long have you been listening? Since "really foul smelling sweat".
Zac's mum and dad had money trouble.
They had to sell their house and move to Swansea.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We didn't mean to alarm you.
We just Maybe we should talk to you kids about ittreat you like grown-ups.
Good idea.
Murderer! What? You murdered a mouse and now it's in a trap in the laundry room.
I thought you were going to sort it.
Sorry.
Murderer! Why are you blaming me? You can't have mice in the house, can you? Why not? Cos they're dirty and they smell.
So does Ben.
But they poo everywhere.
So does Ben.
That's not fair! I had diarrhoea.
But you got it on that man's shoes.
Yeah, they probably should have toilets on the Millennium Wheel.
God, what a long half-hour that was.
Anyway, Karen, it's nearly teatime.
Come and help me set the table.
You did a fantastic job last time.
No, you're a mouse killer.
Karen! I'm sorry, I meant to get rid of it, and then bloody Jane turned up.
Brilliant.
You can't rely on anyone.
No, you're right there.
Not even your friends.
You all right, sweetheart? They voted for Ross as class rep.
Ahh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did he pay them more money than you? No, he didn't give them any money.
He's just popular.
Oh, no, that's not right.
Once you've sold your vote, you should stick to it.
When are we going to have this family chat about money? We could have a family meeting over tea.
Karen! Come and sit down.
Mum, can you guarantee that we're definitely not gonna Oi! Can you guarantee we're definitely not gonna lose the house? Yes.
It's not like that.
We're just a bit short of money at the moment.
We can't even afford a cup of tea.
What do you mean? Well one day, me and Mummy were walking down the street and there was a man sitting on the pavement with his dog, with a very nice dog, actually, and he asked, "Do you have enough money for a cup of tea?" and Mum said no.
Yeah, but I didn't exactly mean He looked thirsty.
I'm sure he was thirsty.
Ben, can you? Mum was lying so that she didn't have to give the man money.
No, I wasn't lying exactly Then why did you tell him we couldn't? What if he was really, really poor? She lies and she murders mice.
All we mean is that we just have to be a bit more careful with money at the moment.
Yes, and I'm looking for another job.
PHONE RINGS Oh.
And you lot, you can all help with little things, like um Hi, Dad.
.
.
eating all your food.
Look at this.
Fantastic.
And, um, switching off all the lights.
No, no, it's tomorrow you go for your flu jab.
Do you remember, cos I wrote it on the wall? What do you mean, you cleaned the wall? I saw Ben leave his light on this morning.
Yes, Karen, it's not good to tell on people all the time.
That is not true! But yesterday you called me some bad words.
You called me a ninny Stop.
.
.
and he called me an idiot Karen .
.
and he called me a motherfudger.
No! It's not a motherfudger, it's a Ben, enough! What is a motherfudger? You don't need to know.
It's a mother that's made of fudge and you can eat them.
Is it a swear word? Doesn't matter.
Now Can I call Ben it? No, you can't Ow! What? Ben shaked me.
No, I did not! Ben Yes, you did! Ow! Right, Ben, swap with Jake.
No, I did not! Come on, sit here, please.
You're the one who pinched me, and I'll kill you! But you needn't worry about that, Dad.
No, because she's not Iranian.
No, DadDad she is not Iranian.
SQUABBLING CONTINUES Dad, Dr Higginbottom is not Iranian, right? Anyway, there's no point turning off the lights.
It's too late to stop global warming now.
Jo says that your generation's completely ruined the world for our generation.
Does she? Then you can turn the lights off so we don't have to move to Swansea.
So we could lose the house? No, no, no I know how we can save money.
Right.
By not buying broccoli.
Well, actually, broccoli isn't that expensive.
How much are we in debt? I don't know exactly how much Can you do this? I don't care.
I'm having a serious conversation with Dad.
That means you can't.
Oh, shut up! Even Karen can do that and she's half your age.
Shut up! Shut up! Jake, Jake, come and sit here.
No, that leaves Ben and Karen together.
Jake, you sit here.
No Right, Ben Idiot.
It's like musical bloody chairs.
You said "bloody".
Why is it always me who has to move? You're the one who pinched me.
You're always GENERAL SQUABBLING SHUT UP! So is the family meeting over, then? It is and we are never having another one.
What about "any other business"? Shut up.
So will you be writing out the minutes? Shut up.
Oh, I don't believe this.
Kylie Bell has written "Alexander the Great" as "Alexander the GR8".
Still, at least she knows who Alexander the Great is.
Oh, no, my mistake.
Gin and tonic? Yeah.
We haven't got any lemons.
Doesn't matter.
Or ice.
That's fine.
We've got half an hour to cancel the holiday.
Oh, God.
I suppose we should, really.
No.
Sod it.
Let's go.
Well, will we be all right financially, do you think? Probably not, but we can always sell our kidneys on eBay.
Sod it.
I don't think we've got any tonic either.
Doesn't matter.
Yeah, we'll wing it somehow.
D'you know, it turns out I was the last person to speak to Jonty before he died.
Ah.
So the last words Jonty heard from another human being were, "Don't worry, you'll live.
" Refill? Gin and gin? Yeah.
Oh, look.
This one can't spell "Alexander" or "Great", but they can spell "the".
So he should probably get a B at A-level.
Well, what do you expect from a kid who's named after a games console? Where's that mouse that you killed? I put it in a plastic bag in the bin.
I want to give it a proper funeral in the garden.
It needs closure.
Closure? Right, well, eras long as you promise to keep it in the plastic bag Don't snatch.
.
.
and you thoroughly wash your hands afterwards.
Was it a girl or a boy? I haven't had the results of the post-mortem.
Well, if it was a mummy mouse, then it might have had lots of little babies waiting in its hole for it to come back and saying, "Squeak, squeak, squeak, where's my mummy?" Why are you addressing all this to me? Because Daddy said that you were the one who couldn't bear mice.
Look, I only Karen, it was both of us decided to put out the traps, OK? Did she tell you to say that? Karen! Mouse killer.
Why is it always Mum who gets it in the neck? BELL RINGS Jake, whoever that is I know.
Just say, "No, thank you.
" Always me, isn't it? She's always all over lovely Daddy.
Hi, Jake.
I did tell her Ssh.
Bloody hell! Oh, my God, it's Jane! God! Bloody hell.
Hi, Jane.
Hi, Jane.
Pete, Sue.
I was expecting your babysitter.
I know.
Because we were going to have a babysitter, but We stood her down.
Yeah.
We've just put the phone down, haven't we? Yes.
Because we were really Pete's so You're still quite Upset The funeral.
The funeral.
So we decided to take it easy.
I came round for Alexa's book folder.
You forgot it when you took her to school.
Did we? I think it might be over here.
Look, Sue, if you have a problem with me, I would much rather you came out and said it.
Well, OK, yes, there is a problem.
Umyou never pick up when you say you're going to pick up and, to be honest, it makes things very difficult.
You're right.
Thank you for being honest.
You're probably right.
I'm useless.
I'm a useless friend and .
.
I'm a useless mother.
What's this? Heroes.
Is that the cheerleader that can't be killed? Yeah.
Dad, if you had a big red button in your chest Yeah.
.
.
and you knew that if you pushed it, you couldn't die and you'd be alive for ever, would you push it? No.
At least not until the moment I was going to die.
Then I'd push it.
Jo seems nice.
Yeah, I like her.
So you'refriends? Yeah.
Yeah, it's good to have friends.
Although sometimes I think it's, um, a good idea not to put all your eggs in one basket friends-wise.
Why? Don't you like her? Yes.
No Yes Yes, she's fantastic.
All I mean is that everyone should have lots of friends - boys, girls, all sorts.
Well, those are the only sorts.
But everyone should have lots of friends because then they won't get upset if their special friend stops being their special friend.
You and Mum are splitting up, aren't you? No! No, we're No, definitely not.
Faster than a handkerchief but slower than Ryvita.
Dad's bill.
Ah, that's faster than I thought.
Hmm.
I try really hard to stay on top of things.
I really do.
It's just that Nick's going to court to try to kick me out of the house and I'm sorry.
This isn't like me.
No.
And then everyone stood up and started talking about these amazing things .
.
amazing things that Jonty had done when he was young and I'd no idea.
I'm stuck.
Ben, stop it.
But it did make me wonder what people would say about me if I died.
They'd say you were very, very tall.
Oh.
Thank you, Ben.
And they'd also say, "Ben now can have a puppy.
" I'm glad you're putting such a positive spin on it.
Yeah, they'd say good stuff about you, Dad.
You think so? Well, it's what people have to say at funerals, isn't it? Even if the bloke who's just died is a bit of a tosser.
That's what Jo says anyway.
What would be the coolest way to die? Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this to this mouse, killed before its time.
We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell it'll have cheese on toast.
Next up is the Pope.
And the tiger chases the man up the cliff and the man falls down the cliff and the crocodiles kill him.
And you saw that on YouTube? No, but I'd like to.
Has Jane gone, then? Oh, yeah.
Oh, about time.
D'you know, it's about time we put our foot down, with all that "Ooh, boo-hoo, my life's so hard" routine.
Yeah.
Well done, sweetheart.
Cup of tea? Yeah.
Slice of cake? Mmm.
By the way, we're having Alexa for the weekend.
Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it.
Amen and out.
Thank you, Pope.