Portlandia (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

- I am Marc Gemmer.
- And I am Linda Lawrence.
And welcome to Portland's allergy pride parade.
We are here to celebrate allergy pride.
That's right.
Some people called in sick.
Some people did and we are here to celebrate them while they're at home.
Oh, lactose intolerance-- An apology to dairy.
We have a little cow guy.
That's a good idea.
Yeah.
How bad do cows feel? Little did they know they would cause such a problem.
That's right.
Coming up we've got people who are allergic to wheat.
I would like to see a day maybe 20 years from now when an allergy sufferer will be a sitting in the white house.
Maybe 20 years from now, 30 years who knows? Ah, and here we have, uh, "soi!" Punks.
These people are allergic to soy.
What are they yelling? "Poi, not soy.
" And of course the perfect storm of allergies, pad thai.
There's peanuts.
It's a very common allergy.
There's also shellfish, wheat, soy-- really, for some people a thai restaurant is a death trap.
He represents, of course, the actual reaction to eating shellfish.
He's reeling over in pain.
He's spastic, I mean this is severe, severe reaction.
- It affects the nerves.
- Yeah.
Look at this.
We've got the toughest guys around and still they can be felled by insects, bugs bites.
I think some of these guys were in front of my house last night making so much damn noise, but-- How you doing? Excellent.
Really, really good.
Oh, look, she's throwing candy to the audience.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Candy as sweet as our pageant winners.
And coming up, of course, we have animal shoemaker, the princess of this year's allergy pride parade, - allergic to air, water and sun.
- That's right.
She's not allowed to be outside of the ambulance, but I'm sure she looks just beautiful in there.
- Oh there, she is waving.
- She's waving.
Annabelle, congratulations.
Could there be a sweeter girl? I would say, you know, I would classify-- You okay? Oh sure.
Was there dextrose in there? Yes.
The first ingredient is dextrose.
Do you have an allergy to dextrose? Linda-- can we get the allergy doctors? Our allergists, our specialists, Portland's best.
And we continue.
That is, I think, what Linda would most what us to do.
I'm sure she's gonna to be just fine.
Allergy to makeup-- And makeup has been with us for thousands of years, and some of the chemicals create a reaction.
And here we have the clown without makeup.
He is still a clown.
And as you can see, Ms.
Linda Lawrence has now joined the parade, both physically and symbolically.
Ms.
Lawrence, of course, joined the station in 1986, covering primarily women's sports.
She'll be missed.
Someone tell her sister.
I think she's waiting for her in her car, right? - Hey, Doug.
- Yeah? This thing starts at 7:15.
I just need to find my keys and then we need to leave.
What is this thing we're going to anyway? It's Sarah's birthday.
We're going to screen door.
You already knew that.
Don't we go to these things like every week it seems? Ah, yeah.
It's her birthday.
She's my friend, okay? So just-- - What is she, nine? - You know what? That's not fun.
- You're just being a baby.
- Why don't we watch this Battlestar Galactica DVD I just got? Season one.
I heard really good things about it.
Okay, I mean, the woman I volunteer with at the humane society is always like, "this is such a great show.
" - Let's watch this.
- Okay listen, one episode and then we go to dessert.
Okay, we'll definitely make it.
Gotta be 40 minutes tops.
This will be good.
I heard really good things about it.
It's not just regular science fiction.
It's actually good.
I love you.
Okay, episode one.
- Wow.
- Okay, it was good.
- That's so well done.
- Do we have time to watch one more, you think? I think so.
- What? - That is crazy.
That's amazing.
I just texted Sarah happy birthday, so that's done.
I have to get up early for work so let's get in our pj's and then - we'll watch one more.
- Okay, one more.
- So good.
How is it so good? - What time is it? It's like daylight already.
How did that even happen? We just stayed up all night.
Do you want to watch more? My vacation day starts now.
- So intense.
- Oh, my God, so good.
Okay we'll just watch the first episode of season two.
- That's all I want to see.
- One more season.
I don't remember the last time I've gone to the bathroom.
Oh, my legs are, like, asleep.
I little bit feel like I have a bladder infection, but I'm just going to get antibiotics after the next episode.
Yeah, okay thanks.
Bye.
So I lost my job.
- One more episode? - Yeah.
Service shut-off notice.
They're not going to do that.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
You're right.
- Oh what! - No! Get the remote! - I'm looking for it! - Okay, we're gonna be okay.
- Will you do something like pick it up? - What do you want me to do? - Here.
- Okay, get the account number.
Okay, yeah we just got a shut off notice, account 8283482039-- We need to see another episode.
Thank you so much.
My eyes are getting salty.
Like when I blink, it stings.
When's the last time you brushed your teeth? I can't remember.
- Whose calling? - Don't pick it up.
It's like people don't respect, like, our space.
Just don't pick it up.
You know who would never call? Starbuck.
No, Starbuck isn't that dependent on people.
Like Starbuck, I think, like, wouldn't even call anyone.
- Great! - Yes! Next one, next one, next one, next one! Whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What what? - That's the last one.
Satisfying finale, that's it.
- Then there has to be another one.
- There's not.
- I gave up my job, we're losing our house.
- They owe us! - Who are they? - Ronald D.
Moore.
- He has to write more episodes.
- Yeah.
You know what? We'll find him.
Okay okay - There he is.
He lives here.
- He lives in Portland.
We have to go to his house.
We're going right now.
Come on get in the car.
Oh! Legs are cramped.
Look at all these knots.
Where do you even start? - What is-- look at that one.
- Oh, I thought the place was empty.
Hi.
Hello.
- Oh.
- Hi, how are you? Welcome to the knot store.
My name is Allen.
Hi, how are you? I'm good, I'm good.
How are you? - Good.
- Good, thanks.
- Good.
- We read an article about artesian knots in the Sunday times and-- Oh yeah, oh yeah.
That's great.
And we just happened to be going to our friend's housewarming party - and we thought-- - Oh-- This would make a perfect gift.
- Yes, it certainly would.
It's perfect.
- But we don't understand.
- Like, how does it work? Do they-- - What don't you understand? Just is it a utilitarian thing or is this just aesthetics? Yep.
Yeah.
You know we just want to bring something that's going to mean something to her.
That makes us seem different than everybody else.
- Okay.
- We also don't want to, like, pay a lot of money for one.
- I don't know how much they-- - Well, you don't want to go too low, too low.
I'll show you.
If you go too low, you know, you could wind up-- Here look at this.
Here's a-- See this knot? There's nothing there.
Here's a knot that certainly looks-- - That's plenty substantial.
- Yeah, we'll take one of those.
Yeah, but it's not-- It's not a knot.
It's nothing.
And if you get depressed-- - Oh sir, don't.
Oh-- - In any case, you know you could go with, here, the um, the classic sailing bowline knot.
- Here's one in hemp.
- Ooh, sheep.
I will say I would like to bring something just a little bit bigger, just something that can display a little nicer.
Is she more, is she more contemporary or more, you know, nostalgic and of the past? That one.
I got it.
Watch this.
- Where is that thing? - He's laughing.
Nancy.
Where is it? Where, where is that, Nancy? Where's Nancy? All right.
- Wow.
- What's that? Huh.
An artist that we work with makes these by jamming them into his pocket.
What do you think of that? Hmm.
Then he pulls it out.
You know how you get-- They never come out.
This is how they come out.
Huh.
You know, you could pair this with a rose or even a white burgundy.
I think Janet's going to like that.
Plus it looks great.
- I think we've arrived.
- Okay, let's get that.
- Hello? - Oh, hi! Come in.
- How are you? - Oh I'm great.
Thanks for coming.
We got you something.
Wow.
- From the knot store.
- Thanks, you guys.
- Sure.
- I'm just going to put it in the den.
Would you take these into the kitchen? - Yeah.
- Looks great.
- This is beautiful.
- Take a look around.
- Hi, babe.
- Oh, hey.
Is it okay if I step here? Uh, uh, um, um, um, um, yes, that's okay there.
Look at you.
I think it's coming together.
- According to the-- - Look at this, look what I brought you.
Oh thank you.
Much needed.
When can we use it? I think by tonight, once I get this all sorted out.
Think of all the fun times we're going to have.
How many people do you think we can get around this? Safely, I mean.
Safely? I mean, you know, maybe just us and a friend or-- A dog or something.
- You like holding hands, right? - Of course I do.
- That's all I need.
- Only with you.
Couple of old wolves.
- Ow! - What? - Sparked.
- Oh God.
We really dodged a bullet there.
Thanks.
Good eye on that.
- Want to go to bed? - Yeah.
- I lost-- I lost my glasses.
Hold on.
- Everyone stop.
Oh that's great.
Thank you so much.
Hi, how are you.
Is this 5851? - Yes it is.
- Okay.
Does Ronald D.
Moore live here? Yes he does.
Oh great.
We've um, there's um, we've been watching Battlestar Galactica and-- - Huge fans, huge fans.
- So great.
We just would like to see if he would be interested in writing another episode.
Ron.
- Wow.
Hi, I'm Doug.
- I'm Claire.
- Hi.
- You're Ronald D.
Moore? Yes.
- Very nice to meet you.
- I'll say.
This is-- - Thank you.
- I don't know how you do it.
- You're-- - Brilliant.
Okay.
We were wondering if you wouldn't mind-- We came to the end of all the episodes of Battlestar Galactica and we would like you to maybe write one more episode.
Hmm.
You could put Gaius in there, and Adama-- Once in school I wrote a deal about a dog and its owner.
In essence what you're asking me to do is write another Battlestar? Yeah.
I think we can do something with that.
Well the fact they're-- - Okay, they're gonna be in outer space.
- Yes.
Okay.
What we're gonna have to try to do, we're gonna have to try to set this scene to where everybody's gonna be able to relate to Battlestar Galactica.
- Gaius is-- - 'cause I've never actually, - I've never did star trek before.
- It's Battlestar Galactica.
Battlestar Galactica.
I'm sorry.
- So, Gaius-- - So we'll just keep it with the script - and we don't need to rhyme anything like that.
- No.
- Okay.
- They don't to be speaking in poetry.
- And we should have some vipers.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
They got to get in there.
- Ron? - Yes.
- Are these people still in my house? - Yes.
- I need to make dinner.
- Would it be okay if we go-- - Ron, out of my kitchen.
Okay, I guess we're gonna have to go down to another room.
- So, they're both Cylons.
- Okay.
But the audience only thinks that one of them is.
- Like I said, I don't type.
- Okay.
- Great.
- Oh, my gosh.
- But the audience doesn't know.
- Right.
Ron? Oh oh.
Ron, get out of my closet.
- We're almost through.
- It's just one of the-- We see one of the-- Ron, get these white people out of my closet.
Well you know what? I got an idea.
Let's go back up to the kitchen and we can get out of her hair.
Sounds good to you guys? - Just go, Ron.
Just go.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
One is not a Cylon, but we have to convey this message.
Man, get out Ron! - I guess we're gonna have to do that.
- Press save.
- Do you have a save button? - Ron! - How's it going? - It's been good.
How about you? Great.
- I did go on a date the other night.
- With who? His name's Scott and he suggested that we go to the park.
- We even, like, kissed a little bit.
- What? - I know, which I don't-- - Oh, it's really a date.
- I'm having the best time.
- Me too.
This feels good.
I was cold and he took his jacket off.
And then-- Oh no What is that? This is Eddie, Eddie Vedder.
From Pearl Jam? It's cool, huh? I did like Pearl Jam, um, in high school.
Is that when you got this? No, I got it a year ago.
Okay.
Okay, that's kind of a deal breaker for me, a bad tattoo-- I can't-- - I can't do that.
- Oh come on, who cares? - I care.
- Does it look cool? No.
It's playing a tambourine.
- Did he do that in the band? - Yeah.
Oh, he's playing two tambourines.
Is that your only tattoo? Just give me a second.
- Do you like this guy, what's his name? - Scott.
- You had a good time.
- Yes.
Just spend some time with him.
There's something that I want to tell you but I'm a little afraid.
- Just say it.
- I think I'm falling for your Carrie.
I'm falling for you too.
Good night.
Good night.
Psst, hey Carrie.
Psst.
Oh, God.
I think I'm falling for you too.
- Are you really talking? - Yeah, of course.
- This is not working for me.
- Why not? Is it my tambourine? I didn't want to think of myself as someone that couldn't deal with tattoo, but I kind of can't.
That's too bad.
Give me a kiss goodnight.
No, that's weird.
It's like I'm cheating on him.
- That's in your head.
- It's not in my head.
- Just minimize it.
- You don't understand.
That little guy was, like, mouthing off to me.
I think you're too harsh.
I think it's fine.
The problem is I just don't see Scott anymore.
- I see Eddie Vedder.
It's very-- - It's great.
Eddie Vedder is, you know, charming, talented, fantastic.
Fine, I'll go on a date with him then.
I can't believe you know the rolling stones! That's crazy.
I have to say this is going pretty well.
Like the tattoo version of you is a little off, like, but you're smart and you're funny and I just I already feel really, really close to you.
Wait, what is that? - Oh yeah, it's a tattoo.
- Tell me it's not a bad one.
- No, it's bad.
- Like your mom's name or like a-- It's Ani Difranco playing guitar, with a nose ring.
Welcome to the table read.
Battlestar Galactica! Let's go around and introduce ourselves, of course.
Ronald D.
Moore.
- I am Doug.
- I am Claire.
James Callis, really stoked to reprise the role of Gaius Baltar.
Nice to be here, nice to see-- Ron.
Ken Reynolds, local actor, currently appearing as the mad hatter.
- This is not Ron D.
Moore.
- Just go with it.
Edward James Olmos.
Yes, uh huh.
Ron, fifteen minutes.
I want those people out of my house.
- Yeah, sure - Bye Ron.
They better be out when I get there.
Hey look, guys, we're gonna have to hurry this up.
My wife Renee is gonna be home in 15 minutes coming from church, so let's get this reading on.
We open on the interior of Galactica's combat information center, where we see admiral Adama.
Now we have to find another planet.
Someone give me a report.
With all due respect admiral, are you sure you're doing the right thing? I command because I have the discipline to command.
Listen, I have something to say.
- Go ahead, talk.
- Okay but you need to listen to me because I-- Am I just repeating myself? Hey look, guys, the clock's ticking.
We got to get this done and get it over with.
I want the fleet's position now.
Did you hear me? Now.
Adama goes like this-- "Now, now, now! It's boiling inside you.
Starbuck enters angrily.
Where the hell have you been? Flying the frake all over the place.
- It's frak.
- Yeah.
- Have you not seen the show? - No.
Can we get on with this? - You have to see it.
You have to see it.
- Is it good? Please I need you here, now get out of here.
What? I don't have time for this.
Yeah come on guys we really don't have time, we got to get this on the road.
No we meant-- that's in the script.
That's his line.
Why are you doing this? That is none of your concern.
Long beat.
- You have a line there.
- I'm out of here.
- Oh come on, please don't go.
- Mr.
Olmos.
- You guys can keep doing the lines.
- Thank you.
- Mr.
Olmos, please don't leave.
- Please.
Please, we need you to stay.
We have more lines for you.
We have more of the script.
- The episode's almost over.
- I have to go.
There's even a scene-- "When you have nothing to lose the only direction to go is forward" because then even if you have everything to lose "we can still move.
" - You said that.
- Episode six, season two.
You've got to be careful.
Psychologically.
It's television.
Please, it means everything to us.
I mean she lost her job.
We lost our lives watching this show.
I've never been in space.
Ever.
Oh, damn.
Ron! She's about seven minutes early.
Guys, I've got an idea, something we can all do together to relax, you know.
Are you familiar with doctor who? - Wow, it's amazing.
- See what I mean? - Wow.
- You see what I mean? There's actually like another 26 seasons.
You mean we can watch another one? Well if we're all up for it I don't know, is everybody? - Yes, please.
One more, one more.
- Ron.
One more episode.
This is like a cruise.
This is great, guys.
What are your names again? Hi, I'm Malcolm.