Raised By Wolves (2013) s02e02 Episode Script

1 MUSIC: Rebel Rebel by David Bowie You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey, babe, your hair's all right Hey, babe, let's go out tonight They put you down, they say I'm wrong You tacky thing, you put them on Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess Rebel Rebel, how could they know? Hot tramp, I love you so! Brunch? - What's going on? - Why is that child in the sink? Are you drinking maple syrup? - Where's your mother? - She's at work, Grampy.
Is she now? It's about time I had a day without your mum's ball-ache.
Ooh, she does harp on! "Hoover this, flush that.
" Yap, yap, yap.
What was that, Dad? I was just telling the kids how you're working like a blue-arsed fly to pay for this lot.
Not quite, Dad.
A blue-arsed fly only lives for three days and then it dies and gets a holiday.
I've been doing this shit for 16 years.
Get your arses down here.
- Right-o, Del.
- The struggle is real, eh? - I've can celled my shift at - Pound Lord because the frigging landlady is coming over.
We need to get this place inspection-ready.
Take the bookshelves down.
- Pretend we don't use Blu-Tack.
- Hide the fags.
All that bollocks.
Right, you, pull your fingers out, you ingrates.
- You hoover the stairs.
- You flush the toilet.
As far as Cersei Lannister is concerned, I only have three kids, so the rest of you are going to have to bugger off.
You're not ashamed of us, are you Mum? Nope.
But it is easier if I pretend some of you don't exist.
- So I've arranged for you to see your father.
- Yeh! Dada! - All right, calm down.
- He's not One Direction.
He's a soya-munching skinflint who bodged my exhaust.
He'll be pissing off to the North Sea again soon, so make the most of him while he's around.
Not you, Aretha.
- I want you to stay with me.
- You're the most presentable child.
- That's discrimination.
- Why should I miss out on seeing Dad? Because I can trust you to maintain a polite veneer while the silly cow pokes about my cupboards and moans about the price of smoke detectors.
Oh, the double-edged sword of my relative social acceptability.
Yeh! Papa! I can't wait to see him and get a top-up of masculine energy.
Oi! What about my masculine energy? - Sorry, Grampy.
- I always forget that you're a man.
- One, two - One, two, three, four - Yeh! - Not too fast, Mum! I only want you I only want you Now Dad's around, are you going to get pregnant again? - It might be that little gay brother - I've always wanted.
Wyatt is so disappointingly heterosexual.
- Don't get any ideas, Germaine.
- It's over.
Remember that entire evening we spent talking about our bloody feelings? - Oh, yeah, that was great.
- It was like the Council of Elrond.
- Except everyone was crying.
- Here you are, here's some cheese balls for your lunch.
Your dad doesn't do dairy, the twat, so he's on his own.
In my book, if you can't handle cheese, you can't handle life.
- I only want you - I don't understand Did you park on the double yellows? - Course I parked on the double yellows.
- BOTH: Fuck double yellows.
- Dad! I've missed you.
- Papa! Papa! Papa! - Right.
Germaine's started talking like a trumpet.
- Look, Dad! - Was that the Tooth Fairy or a fight? - Actually, I won't ask.
I only want you.
Frick me, you've given up.
What happened? Did you lose a lung? No.
My supervisor wasn't too keen on me tabbing near the drill pipe.
- You know, health and safety.
- Right, well, here they are.
- Wyatt's had three bangs on - Germaine's chocolate brunch, so he'll be crashing in 40 minutes and Mariah's in a strop because - Rastamouse wasn't on this morning.
I was on the frontline of the Poll Tax Riots dressed as an acid-house Margaret Thatcher.
If you've fled a charge of mounted police in high heels, you can handle a low-key day out with four kids.
Sean, I know what your definition of low-key is, so if you end up getting teargassed, rinse their eyes with vinegar.
Those days are long gone, Della.
I've eBayed my earrings and hung up my heels.
We're doing nothing more controversial than bird-watching.
Though I might add a subtle side order of Marxist dialectic.
I'm broke so if you need bail money, don't call me.
Enjoy your children.
Reckon we're about ready.
Just hang this frigging monstrosity back up.
So much for the Hotel California.
Sorry, Dad.
She threatened a rent hike when Yoko got a goldfish.
She won't want a pensioner sleeping in her coat cupboard.
- We'll move you back in when she's gone.
- BELL RINGS Here's the avaricious witch now.
- Della! Hiya! - Hiya.
Come in.
- That's not a hint of cigarette smoke - I'm detecting, is it? - No, babe.
I don't smoke.
- I've never smoked.
The delicious combination of nicotine and tar holds no appeal for me.
Good because the tenancy agreement was very specific on that point.
Crystal clear, chief.
- Hi! - You remember my daughter, Aretha? Of course.
How could I forget that hair? So lurid.
Thanks so much for allowing us to rent your investment whilst it increases in value.
- You're welcome! The contribution property owners make to society is often overlooked.
I mean, where's my reality show? Remind me what that contribution is again? - I'm just visiting, my love.
- There's no extra rent charge for that, is there? - I wish! - Ha-ha! Though, to be serious, I would never condone over-occupation.
Well, I'd offer to show you around, sweet cheeks, but I don't know where anything is because I don't live here! Right, I'll start in the kitchen, if you don't mind.
Check you've scrubbed those nasty fingermarks off my lovely melamine.
Oh, look! I never knew there was a cupboard there.
I must come round more often.
Yeah, all right, Dad.
Rein it in.
Woah! Oh-oh! Woah! - How's my special girl? - Any updates since last week? - I'm doing good, Dad.
- The Hugh Jackmen in my nightmares are getting smaller.
I thought I was your special girl! You're all my special girls.
So, Dada, is it emasculating being unemployed? I get it, I've seen The Full Monty.
Maybe you should become a stripper too.
Yeah, the problem is, Germaine, everyone's seen The Full Monty.
When a man my age is made redundant, the first thing he does is practise taking his joggers off in front of the mirror to Lady Marmalade.
- The market's been flooded.
So here - I am, fully clothed but on JSA.
Walking sucks, Dad I'm taking you to see one of the wonders of Britain.
Along with bank holidays, the political hard left, Lorraine Kelly, this is Wolvo's best and only nature reserve.
I'm talking British wildlife.
- The robins, the buzzards, the weekend doggers.
Come on! - Yeh! Come down from the mountain You've been gone too long You're fricking kidding me! Spring is upon us The fricking frackers have taken my wildlife reserve! So, shall we just go home then? We can just watch some wildlife on the telly.
To be fair, foreign wildlife is more exciting.
And HD does kind of look better than real life.
No, Germaine, we're going over.
- This is cool.
It's like Bonnie and - Clyde but there are four Clydes.
- You've all had tetanus shots, right? - Oh, yeah, we've had loads of vaccinations.
- Sometimes I wonder if Mum likes watching us get jabbed.
Now, the key to climbing a fence is weight distribution and not getting your jumper caught.
- We might be sticking it to the man but there's no need to get the knitwear involved.
- Aarrggghhhh! - THEY SCREAM - Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! - THEY SCREAM I'm fine.
It's not electrified.
But that's why you always check before you start climbing.
Lesson number one in civil disobedience.
Come on! Over the fence we go! Dada is so free, like Audrey Hepburn on that scooter.
So, as you can see, we like to store our books in big piles on the floor like barbarians - Aretha.
- LANDLADY LAUGHS Oh, now, I am glad you keep this above the mantle.
It really does belong here, you know.
- Such a masterful exploration of light and shade.
- Mm! - And it came free with the frame.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm! Which do you enjoy more, the inflated housing market increasing your wealth with no effort on your part or your tenants being dependent on you for somewhere to live? That's a really interesting question that, Aretha.
- I'd have to say, a bit of both.
- Hmmm! Mind if I take a few pic-pics? Would you like one of me being excluded from property ownership due to my socio-economic circumstances? - You're hilarious! - SHE LAUGHS - Frick me, Dad.
The Nikon's out.
- That's it, she's selling it.
- Balls! - Well, house prices have gone up a lot lately round here, Della.
- It's that new BoozeBonanza on the - Penn Road, it's gentrifying us.
- Shall I have a word? - Give her the Connery eyebrow? That might get you an extra sausage on the Morrison's meat counter but it won't work on - Mrs Buy-To-Let-Portfolio over there.
I'm just going to have to call it.
All right, love, you've measured up my cupboards, Feng shui'd my sofa and now you're going for the double-aspect money shot.
- You're selling it, aren't you? I'll be honest with you, Della, that BoozeBonanza on the Penn Road is doing really big things for this area.
So, I might as well give you this now.
It's a I know what an eviction notice looks like.
So here's the deal.
You pop off in your nasty little Nissan and tootle the frick away while - I search the shit out of Rightmove.
You get me? Because I bring love - Hm! - Bring love Listen, I was born by the river Just like this river, I've been moving ever since.
It's not exactly the best little whorehouse in Texas.
There's nothing else on Rightmove in my price range, Dad.
I'm not sitting around with my thumbs up my arse while Balfour frigging Beatty makes us homeless.
So it's this or a lock-up garage in Wednesfield.
Yeah.
I could grow in this.
There was a murder there in January.
- Sure, yeah, I'll have to give you all self-defence lessons.
- But the buses are good.
Let the viewing commence! I've never broken in anywhere before.
Unless picking the lock on Yoko's diary counts.
By the way, Yoko, cranberry juice will sort out that little problem.
- We didn't break in, - Germaine, we climbed in, that's trespass, which is a civil matter and thus non-prosecutable.
And if we're stopped, we'll simply say we were getting our ball back.
That's the second rule of civil disobedience.
Always carry a football, just in case.
Right! So, are we going to smash some shit up? - You know, for the weasels or whatever? - Yeah, weasels! - Yeah.
Smashing shit up is an option.
- That's what the anarchists do.
Though it might result in a prison sentence for criminal damage and everyone thinking you're a dick.
- I could totally handle prison.
- I've seen Orange Is The New Black.
- I could rock that jailbird look.
- I love those prison onesies.
Prison isn't all about moonshine and experimenting with lesbianism, there's massive overcrowding and the food is very poor.
To be fair, that sounds like my current life.
- Any other ideas? - I was thinking maybe we can have a picnic.
Oh, Yoko's going down the "occupy" road.
I like it.
- Who fancies a bit of occupy? - ALL: Yeah! Let's occupy this bit of ground here.
- Actually, there's dog shit there.
- Er, let's occupy this bit.
There's a mad man looking at you And he wants to take your soul There's a mad man with a mad plan And he's dancing at your door.
What, no baking bread? They never bother when you're renting.
Lucky he's brought his own sausage roll to mask the smell of must.
- Happy to help! - It sells itself really.
You could give it 5% effort though, eh, love.
- Well, it's available immediately, which is a bonus.
- Unless the mould has squatter's rights.
In case you want to get in touch to ask me about our agency fees, which are unexpectedly large.
Yeah, I'll send you some articles on how the US housing bubble caused the global economic collapse.
- Anytime, Red.
- My inbox is your playground.
Mum, I think this house has athlete's foot.
Could I raise the idea of us maybe living with Dad? Temporarily, until we find a new place.
What, are you going to sleep on a shelf? He shares his lav with eight other men and one shit-smeared toilet brush, Aretha.
And he's scared of milk.
Pillock.
This is very well-appointed.
This could be my dream nook, you know.
It'll shave time off my commute to the lav.
- Location, location, location, Del.
- I don't know, Dad.
- The walls are 90% fungus.
- I can't give the kids asthma.
I've already given them my shonky knees.
- So let's try it one more time.
- I say, "What do we want?" - A post capitalist-economy.
- BOTH: And when do we want it? - It's already happening.
- People just need to acknowledge it.
Yoko! Yoko! Yoko, my new Facebook status is "I've been radicalised" but I need a photo to go with it.
Get a shot of me in front of this sign.
- It will be like what those - Anonymous guys do only better as I'm going to tag myself so everyone knows it's me.
Get a good angle.
There's no reason why I can't look protesty and sexy at the same time.
- Can you see my pout through the scarf? - Where's the zoom? - I'm too zoomed in! - I'm inside your face! - For God's sake! - Just move backwards, you buffoon.
- ALARM SOUNDS - Oh, tits! - Yoko did it.
She was out of control.
- I tried to stop her.
Right, the third and final rule of civil disobedience.
When an alarm goes off, you've fucked it and you need to scarper! - Already am, Dad! - Every man for himself.
- If you get caught, claim asylum.
- That'll confuse them.
- SIREN - Rescue the cheese, Dad! The cheese! I don't want to regret leaving the cheese behind! Je ne regrette Brie-en! Well, Kal, you've done a sterling job.
I'd love to take it, so you can charge me a 300-quid admin fee to print off a couple of emails and get some keys cut.
But I can't live here, the walls have got their own ecosystem.
Give me a bell if you get anything else in.
Ideally with deaf people either side and a double-sized wheelie bin.
Sure thing.
I always call the MILFs with the DILFs first.
Right, I need two fags.
Did he just call me a DILF? - So what are we looking at here? - Are you going to turn us in? Well, I'm in two minds about this whole fracking thing, myself.
- It's a complex issue.
- Without investment in renewables, we will need more fossil fuels.
- Are you going go to prison, Dad? - Well, that depends on Dave.
- Well, you know what? Shall I just drop you off at the roundabout and call it a day? - Cheers, mate.
- You're all right you are.
I'm sorry the wee one punched you in the nuts.
She's got a good right hook, that one.
Fascist! Wee-hoo! Wee-hoo! Wee-hoo! Wee-hoo! - The footage from today is great.
- The look on the security guard's face when I call him a "corporate succubus" is priceless.
- KNOCK ON DOOR - I'll get it! Ah, Mum.
Dad took us trespassing and got us citizen's arrested.
- Don't grass your father up to me, - Germaine.
I left him with four kids, he's still got four kids.
That's a good day's trading in my book.
I'm late.
Frigging landlord is selling our house.
- Are we going to be homeless? - No.
- Mummy is going to sort it all out.
Or go down to the River Severn, float each one of you off in a rush basket and let nature take its course.
Face it, Della.
You can't afford to live in Wolvo any more.
- The housing bubble has buggered you.
- It's over for us here.
We should sod off to Scotland and live in the middle of nowhere like the red squirrels.
- Frig of! We can't live in the middle of nowhere.
- What will the kids do? If I take - Germaine to the middle of nowhere, she'll be off down the river to Virginia Woolf herself, day one.
- Have an affair with - Vita Sackville-West? - I would totally do that! - BOTH: Can it, Germaine.
- Come on, Della.
You can't tell me you're not tempted.
There's a reason Mariah was conceived during an episode of Ray Mears' Bushcraft.
Yeah, well, Aretha was conceived in front of The Blair Witch Project but that doesn't mean - I want to run around a forest with snot streaming down my face.
- Oh, you guys.
- This is just like old times.
- Can we have ice-cream because you're arguing? - BOTH: Zip it! We should go off-grid, leave it all behind.
Become part of a community of like-minded people.
Yeah, there it is.
All your plans always end in the same place.
In a frigging community.
You know how I feel about other people, Sean.
I can't stand the friggers, especially those eco-clowns.
I will not walk through a fucking drum circle to get to the bog.
- Not now, not ever.
- But it's not like when you used to storm out of raves on account of all the happiness, things have changed.
- Communities get shit done now.
- Some of the yurts have Wi-Fi.
- Get frigged, Che Guevara.
- Come on, kids, your father is talking bollocks and it's time to leave.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
Bye, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
- Bye, Dad.
- See you soon, Yokes.
I hope the Jackmen keep getting smaller.
- Oh, and, Della, - I heard you pull up outside.
In my opinion, you're over-revving that car.
Don't you ever criticise my clutch control in front of the kids, Sean.
You massive vaping twat.
Ooh-ooh! Hell down, heaven down, living in the same town Trying to find something new - Broken picture frame - I've been frozen in Trying to find a better view.
I tell you, Aretha, the sparks were flying between Mum and Dad today.
- 100% sexual tension! - Are you sure it wasn't a case of them feeling tense and you feeling sexual? BANGING - You could always ask your mother to put you up.
- Frig off, Dad.
I know things aren't rosy between you but I'm fairly sure she'd let you live in her shed.
- Maybe not Germaine.
- Dad, the last time my mother offered me help, it was on the proviso - I sign Wyatt over to her.
I think she wanted first dibs on his corneas.
Oh! Oh, shit, balls! - Oh, sorry Della, I've knackered your Artex.
- Let's have a look.
Hey, Della! Look! - Get out in the garden! Now! - THEY SCREAM - That's asbestos, Della.
- I know it when I see it.
Killed my Uncle Jack, it did.
Coughed himself to death on my tenth birthday while we watched helpless from the Ferris wheel.
If we seal it up so no-one's breathing in its nasty little shards, we'll be just fine.
But I'll tell you what, it won't go down well on frigging Zoopla.
Sarah twatting Beeny can't sell this frigger now.
Exactly, Del.
It's the miracle we've been waiting for.
- God bless asbestos! - Well, you'll be sleeping next to it.
So you'll be all right as long as you breathe carefully and keep your fingers out of that hole.
- Not a problem for me, Della.
I had the same arrangement with your mother.
Germaine! Get my elderflower wine out of the shed.
- We're not homeless any more! - We've hit the jackpot, kids.
- We've got asbestos! - ALL: Yeh! Good old asbestos.
You're a real pal! - What's asbestos? - A silent killer living in our walls.
In our walls, Yoko.
Look at my hopes, look at my dreams The currency we've spent I love you, you pay my rent I love you, you pay my rent.