Raising Hope s02e02 Episode Script

Hello! Hello! Please don't kill me.
I just have to go to the bathroom, and the toilet in our home is broken.
Why you not just say so, mon? 'Cause you were waving that skinny sword in my face.
And I know that the clients sometimes don't like the outside help to use inside stuff.
Is that Sabrina? Oh, my God.
Is this guy sleeping with this girl? I Hope not That's his daughter.
Oh, this apple tastes like plastic.
It is plastic, maw maw! Oh! That's one of Hope's toys.
Is it too much to ask the kid to keep her toy food off the floor? How am I supposed to tell what's real food and what's fake? How about you just don't eat food off the floor? Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Hey, check this out.
I picked this up from my new rich client.
That's her father.
Sabrina's rich.
That must be why she knows so much about cheese.
Hey! Sabrina is gonna join us for dinner.
You guys ordered enough pizza, right? Oh, yeah, tons.
That'll be great.
Oh, yeah, sounds great.
Fun.
What's this? Our toilet's broken.
For a while we thought it was low-flow, but then it turned out to be no-flow.
Oh, well, I'm happy to kick in what I can.
Oh, I'll go get her.
Jimmy, look at this picture.
Whoa.
Where'd you get that? Her dad's a new client.
He owns the kind of house Jean- Claude van Damme would live in.
She's filthy rich.
She's just pretending to be lower, lower, lower middle class just like us.
Hey, what if she's a rich actress and she's doing research on how to play a poor person? Nah, she's too short to be an actress.
Look, whatever her reasons are, we should just respect them.
If we ask, it'll just make things uncomfortable and weird.
What's weird? Al Yankovic.
Pizza's here.
Hey, aren't you my gas man? During the day I am.
I got 14 kids.
Oh, bingo! Found another quarter.
Where are we, Tyler? That puts you up to ten dollars and 18 cents, so you still need $2.
68.
That's excluding tip, which I assume you will be.
It's too bad we don't have a credit card.
This would be a good time for one of us to have a credit card.
How much do we save if we lose the sausage? Buck and a half.
Lose the sausage.
Getting your sausage repossessed.
Whew.
I bet rich people never have to feel that sting.
You should just take some money out of your new toilet jar.
You're saying we should take the money we're saving for a new toilet and spend it on pizza? Yeah, okay.
I guess we could do that.
Or, and this is just a suggestion, but maybe you could pay for it since you're rich.
That's right, we know you're rich.
I bet you could use your fancy gold credit card with a limit of a thousand dollars and buy all the pizzas in Natesville! You were right.
This is uncomfortable and weird.
Okay, first of all, I do not have money.
My family does.
What happened, did daddy cut you off? Were you doing heroin? What? We don't know how deep this lie goes.
I cut myself off.
I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.
That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.
It's like getting paid for not having a job.
It's the best kind of job not to have.
Well, that explains why we've never met your family.
You're embarrassed by us.
No, no! If anything, I'm embarrassed of my family.
You really expect us to believe that you're more embarrassed of your family than you are by us? We don't have a pot to pee in.
Actually, I do.
It's in the garage.
Okay, we have one pot to pee in.
Either way - I have two.
The other one's in the truck.
- See what I mean? There's no way you cannot be embarrassed by us.
Fine.
If you think I'm hiding you from my family, I will take you to meet my father tomorrow.
- Deal.
- No time for dry cleaning.
Get your church clothes and the febreze and meet me in the backyard.
Pull! Sabrina! Hey, baby.
Daddy, this is my friend, Jimmy, and his daughter, Hope, and his parents, Burt and Virginia.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Cap Collins.
How are you? Hi.
Daddy, are you shooting mom's favorite China again? She's traveling the world with half my money.
I should at least get to do something fun, huh? Mackenzie, gravy boat.
Pull! Bitch loved her gravy.
Here, honey, break this for me, would you? There you go.
This is quite a house.
$6.
3 million.
Nobody asked how much it cost.
It's impolite to talk about money.
No, baby, it's impolite to ask about money.
That's why I tell people, so they won't be impolite by asking, huh? You know what would be fun? Shooting this China with the gun that killed Lincoln.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
You see? He's embarrassing.
All he wants to talk about is money.
I'd talk about money, too, if I had as much as he does.
Me, too.
I'd take it out, I'd wave it around, I'd staple it to my forehead Whatever's fun.
Lobster? Thank you.
Never had lobster before.
Mmm.
I found my new favorite food.
Sayonara, chipwich.
Mmm.
You got a little bit of sauce on your shirt.
Oh, stink.
Oh, oh, no, you know what? We got a bathroom if you want to just go ahead and rinse that off.
Oh, no, I'm just getting the taste out.
Lobster doesn't grow on trees.
I think.
Who knows what goes on under the sea? I'll help you.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Sabrina Don't forget your sister's party is Saturday.
Here, please buy something nice to wear.
You should come, too, Jimmy.
Bring Hope.
Sabrina's sister, Susan, has a daughter about the same age.
I'm sure they'll hit it off.
Sounds great, thank you.
Ah, why are you so reluctant to let me show you that I love you? We are not going to that party, Jimmy.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun, and besides, I like the idea of Hope having wealthy friends.
She'll get all their old clothes and she'll learn about the stuff rich people do, like yachting and how valet parking works.
Please don't guilt me into this.
All my snobby high school friends are going to be there.
Look, maybe you hate being around rich people, but I deserve the chance to learn to hate them, too, and so does Hope.
This is so warm.
You could cook on this.
And it shoots water up for cleaning.
Cleaning what? Oh.
But then don't you get all? Oh! Yeah, I got that in Japan The toilet of the future.
That thing is so comfortable, I started to pee sitting down.
Our old toilet made me want to pee standing up.
Well, this cost $2,000.
Well, we're in the market for a new toilet, but our cars don't cost that much.
Our cars don't smell this good either.
What is that? Jasmine.
Has an air freshener.
Ah.
Ah.
Those Japanese know how to live.
Mmm.
Remember, rich people don't like to hear the word no, and since that's the only word you know, best just keep it zipped.
And FYI, when you hide behind a piece of furniture, people know you're pooping.
Guys, easy.
She doesn't understand what you're saying.
Yes, she does, she's at that age where she understands everything.
Her tongue hasn't grown into her head yet.
That's why she can't talk so good.
She'll be fine.
It's me I'm worried about.
How do I look? Well, I wouldn't say you're classically handsome, but you're kind of attractive in an offbeat kind of way.
I meant the clothes.
They're fine, but don't do anything stupid.
If they serve filet "miggnon," then don't ask for ketchup; ask for steak sauce.
This party could be all of our tickets to champagne wishes and caviar dreams.
"Dear Virginia and Burt, "please accept this toilet as a gift.
"It was flown business class all the way from Japan.
"I'm told sitting next to it, was Mr.
Barry Bonds.
Enjoy, cap Collins.
" Who gives someone a $2,000 toilet as a gift? Rich people, that's who.
Do not screw this up.
You understand me, don't you? She understands me.
Sissy! I am so glad you made it.
Ooh It's gonna be so much fun.
Yeah, it's very nice of you to let daddy throw you this party.
It gives him a chance to hit on all our friends.
What has two thumbs, a net worth of almost $20 million, and wants to have sex with you? This guy, right here.
- And who is this cutie? - This is Hope.
It just so happens I have a little girl about the same age in the family room watching yo gabba gabba.
Oh, that's great.
Yo gabba gabba is Hope's favorite show.
Those are the real yo gabba gabba guys.
We don't allow Madison to watch TV, but daddy gave a million dollars to Muno's favorite charity, so they stop by once in a while.
Honey.
I got a surprise for you.
It's breakfast for dinner.
A sausage log cabin with a waffle roof.
I want my old toilet back.
This one is better.
Burt, I'm sorry, I'm trying to get maw maw to try the new toilet.
Wrap mine up.
I'll eat it in the morning.
No, maw maw, you cannot go in the tub.
I can't hold it any longer! Then get on the new toilet! But if you eat it in the morning it won't be breakfast for dinner.
Stop pushing me! It'll be leftover-breakfast-for-dinner for breakfast.
That's not special.
You can't make me Oh It's glorious.
So warm.
Permission to increase my fiber.
See? Isn't it nice? You wouldn't believe this guy's house.
And get this, he served us lobster.
Fancy.
And it's not like he knew we were coming over, either.
He just had lobster, ready to eat.
On a Thursday.
My wife developed a taste for the good life.
I need the biggest lobster this toilet money can buy.
Sorry, Mr.
Pinchers, but my marriage is on the line.
Don't worry, though, it's going to be a fair fight.
I'll boil the water, I'll take those rubber bands off your claws, and whoever winds up in the pot, winds up in the pot.
So, Jimmy, what do you think about the current economic situation? Oh, uh, don't get me started on that economic situation.
I'm just worried about what's going on in Greece.
I mean, it's gonna affect the euro.
I think it's pronounced gyro.
No? So funny.
Where is Sabrina? Come on, Virginia.
You going to stay in there all night? I'm not going to the bathroom.
It's just so comfortable I'm sitting here while I paint my nails.
Oh, stupid baby.
Left one of her food toys in the kitchen again.
Just come to the kitchen and eat something.
Think of it as an investment for more time in there later.
Be out in a second.
One more toenail, one more lady-rinse, and I'll be good to go.
Ow! Damn it, Mr.
Pinchers.
Not cool.
Nice going, Pinchers.
Uh, don't give me that look.
You know what you did.
It's not his fault.
You're the one that brought a ferocious sea creature into the house.
Since when do we pay a hundred dollars for food that can bite back? Since you had lobster on a Thursday at Cap's house! Now suddenly you're some society lady spending all day sitting on a luxury crapper! Burt Are you jealous of the toilet? Of course I am! You love it! But not as much as I love you.
I mean just 'cause it can detect a urinary tract infection and e-mail your doctor You know what? Sabrina was right.
It's better to crap on something you earned than to feel crappy on something you didn't work for.
Fine, fine! We'll just sell it.
That's still no good We'll just end up buying a bunch of other stuff that I can't afford, like more stupid lobsters! Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You and ten of your cousins running around here, pinching everybody, ruining everything! I'm sorry, Mr.
Pinchers, I'm not mad at you.
You're just being a lobster.
Hey, where you been? I need help talking to rich people.
Oh, God, see? I told you they're all jerks.
No, they've been completely friendly and nice.
At least I think.
I only get about 10% of what they say, and that's only because somehow peanut butter came up.
No, Jimmy, I don't want to.
Come on, do it for Hope.
Eh.
But we can't wait to do Thanksgiving in Tahoe.
Oh! It's gonna be so much fun to teach the kids how to ski.
Well, I can't wait to watch your kids grow up to enjoy snow as much as you have, Derek.
That must be so great driving around in that convertible pretending like you have a grown-up-sized penis.
Your doctor did a very good job fixing that deviated septum.
Glad he decided to do more work while he was at it.
Boom! Boom! Bam! Badonkadonk! Hey, what the hell was all that? Oh, I know, right? I told you they were jerks.
They were just talking about their lives.
You were acting like a huge jerk.
That poor guy, he had no idea his wife wore a toupee.
Jimmy, this is just like high school.
I just had listen to them brag about their straight A's and their state champion tennis teams and, you know, who got in to what college.
It's, like, who cares? Sounds like you do.
You're insecure.
Insecure? What, about them? Yes! I mean, that's why you lashed out.
It's like when my dad is in an argument and he knows he's about to lose He panics and he punches you.
Jimmy, this is completely different.
No, it's not it's exactly like that.
- Just shut up! - Aah! Aah Eh? Oh, my God.
You're right.
It's, like, I get here, and all I see are their-their Their great jobs and And their babies and how much shorter I am than everybody else.
You don't seem that much shorter.
Jimmy, I'm wearing five-inch heels.
I thought you looked suspiciously normal- sized today.
Do you know what it's like to be the only one of your friends whose legs are too stubby to jump far enough to stick to the velcro wall? No.
I run more with the velcro wallet crowd.
Well, why does it freak me out so much just because somebody's better than me? I mean, other people don't act that way.
At work, people don't lash out at me.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait.
Wh-what? Like, Frank doesn't lash out at me, you know? Shelley doesn't lash out at me.
Barney doesn't lash out at me.
Hold on, why would they lash out at you? I-I don't know, it's just Oh, my God, you think you're better than them.
That's-that's Not what I'm s Okay, the thing is, is that what Oh, come on, you got to give me Frank; I'm better than Frank.
No, you're not.
You're smarter and less creepy than Frank, but Frank is better at Not feeling superior to people.
And so is Barney and shelley and Okay, fine, Jimmy, fine! Then everybody's just better than me! Thank you very much for pointing that out.
Hey.
Listen Uh everybody you meet is gonna be better than you at some stuff and worse than you at other stuff.
I'm sure everyone here is way better than me at making money.
You know? But I checked on my kid ten times more than they have tonight, and so I'm probably a better parent.
But if you spend your entire life comparing yourself to everyone you meet, you're gonna drive yourself crazy.
I think I already did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
One Three! Yeah!