Reno 911! (2003) s02e02 Episode Script

Reno dispatch, this is 14-david-21 On 400 south virginia street.
We are requesting immediate backup-- Corner of peckham and virginia.
Corner of peckham and virginia.
Bring the jaws of life and maybe a forklift.
Yeah, yeah Goddamn it.
I really thought you was gonna make that corner, too.
I took it pretty tight, but I thought I was gonna make it.
Oh ! You all right ? Coffee up my nose Oh, it's real hot.
Ah ! You got coffee nose.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren blaring ) ( dangle ) good morning, people.
Well, apparently, the hell's angels, Who own that brothel out there, out on 80-- They're doing a program, Hand in your gun for a-a Hand job ? Yeah.
"hand guns for hand jobs," that's what the poster said.
They wanted us to sponsor that, you know, But up there said "unh-unh.
" ( knocking ) Hey, guys.
Can I help you, sir ? The lady out front said that maybe I could talk to trudy for a second.
The lady out front was wrong, sir.
We are in a meeting, she is working right now.
I can talk to you for a-- hold on.
Let me talk to him for one second-- god.
Hi.
Go, sir.
Hey, trude Go ! What's goin' on ? How are you doing ? How are you ? Good.
I got you this ! Thank you.
This is kind of-- it's kind of personal.
Yeah ? Can you turn around ? God ! I was just wondering if you'd like to maybe Go grab a cup of coffee sometime.
I would love to.
All right, so I guess I'll call you or something.
What's your number ? You can just call 911 Or you can just stop by here any time.
It would be fine if you wanted to stop by at any time.
All right, great, sorry to inconvenience-- I didn't get your name.
Pullin.
Craig pullin.
Craig pullin.
Okay.
See you later, trudy.
Thank you, craig.
Bye ! ( laughing ) ♪ two little retards sitting in a tree ♪ I think it's cute.
Shut up, you don't think it's cute ! You think it's funny, and you think it's pathetic And you think it's sad.
"f" you.
"f" you and fuck you.
Did everyone see this ? Holy shit.
That's that guy ! Run it through the computer-- p-u-l-l-I-n.
Let's get him-- No, we can't do that.
We have nothing, we have no evidence.
If we jump on him with no evidence, Trudy will say it's just 'cause we're trying To fuck up her life again.
Find his home address, we need to get close to him.
I'm taking trudy to sears for a makeover later, And I will have some girl-talk time, And I will find out what she knows about him.
Can I "google" him ? It's the fucking sheriff's computer, don't use google.
You've been looking up too much pornography, And you forgot how the regular sheriff's computer works.
( man ) you've got to get in there ! I need my novel ! My novel's in there, it's the only copy I have.
Is it inside the building ? Yes, please go get it, it's the only copy.
Um Wow, that's really what you wanna save ? Uh Is it good ? Is it a good novel, sir ? Yes, it's good, it's like a thriller.
Just please go get it.
Uh, what's it about ? Guy's dad dies, he never knew him.
He was like nine when he died.
getting letters in the mail.
He finds out that it's his dad that's been sending them.
He's trying to solve his own murder-- Sir, sir, sir, sir ! I want to help you.
But your novel sounds an awful lot Like a movie with dennis quaid called "frequency.
" It's not ringing a bell at all ? Sir, will you please go get my novel ? I have a novel-- please.
It's on the second floor, it's the only copy I have.
Please-- it's the only copy I have.
No, no, no Whoa, whoa, whoa ! And it's a rip-off of "frequency.
" The guy in the present Starts getting letters from his dead father Trying to solve the murder, giving him clues, And it's about a reconciliation.
It's about a father and son reconciliation.
That's "encyclopedia brown: The case of the dead letter office.
" You think the "frequency" guy ripped it off From "encyclopedia brown" ? Ooh, I don't know.
I don't think it's a new literary device.
Who's that other guy, the really handsome guy ? Randy quaid-- no, dennis.
No, randy.
I think I'm on fire a little bit Let's-- Do I think craig pullin is the truckee river killer ? Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's the best she's gonna do.
What we should do, is show off your legs Because you really have good legs, trudy.
I do ! Something like this would be very cute, And then maybe a turtleneck to hide the hump in your back.
I know you're trying to be nice, But you don't have a sense of style, And I do, so I'm just gonna take over.
For you, you do.
For a sort of whorish, kind of "I don't have self-esteem," you look great.
Thank you.
Trudy, what-- You got to give me something to work with here.
What color does he like ? What's his favorite color ? What do you know about this guy ? Tell me about him.
I don't know what his favorite color is.
I know that he has a lot of, um, Things that are sort of black.
And he actually had-- his sheets are blood-colored.
It's like a deep burgundy, blood color.
He has a lot of that.
I don't know.
Clemmy, he's a genius.
The man knits sweaters out of human hair.
Who does that ? I just-- I think I'm really falling for this guy.
I mean, for the very first time in my life, I feel like-- With the combination of the antidepressants-- Which are working very well, I have a great combination of that and him-- I feel like I might make it another year.
Okay.
Excuse me, I hate to interrupt the party.
We're gonna have to move this this way.
Sir, could you please go get my novel ? It's on the second floor of my house, It's the only copy I have.
Whoa, whoa ! No, no ! It sucks, it's not good.
We are doing you a favor by not getting that novel.
Tell the brave fire fighters.
They're not gonna like it.
Please, sir, give us a brief description of the novel.
Guy's father dies 20 years ago.
Guy starts getting letters from his dead father, Trying to solve the murder-- "frequency.
" How did yours end ? Did it have a twist of some kind ? He found out who murdered him, and then he-- ( dangle ) what ? Then what ? Just say it, spit it out.
It doesn't matter.
It does matter, we care, we wanna know.
If you can't get excited about your work, Why would you expect anybody else to ? ( dangle ) oh, looky here, looky here.
A couple little bill nye the science guys.
Shut it off right now ! Turn it off right now ! Off ! Step away from the go-cart.
Shut it down right now, son ! Don't go nowhere, where you going ? Where you going ? Get over here ! Your mama know you're here ? Does she know you're here on a state park Committing a felony ? No tags-- felony number two, son.
That's two felonies.
Don't you go rabbit on me.
What's your mama's phone number ? I don't know her phone number.
You don't know your mama's phone number ? Why ? Don't you run, don't you dare run.
Don't you go ! No, you don't ! No, you don't ! Can I go first ? All right, I'm after you, though.
Fire it up ! Here we go, you ready ? Yeah, I'm ready, light it up.
Gas it, gas it ! Three Two One ! Oh, shit.
Shit, shit Oh, goddamn it ! Ow, ow, ow ! Shit ! He wrote a poem for me on our first date That was so beautiful, And it was-- I can't paraphrase poetry 'cause I don't know my nouns from my verbs-- But it was something like, "if I could saw through your chest bones "and pull out your heart, "I would swallow it and have you forever 'til I die and you die"-- Something about dying, dying.
We both die-- something.
I'm not, you know, I'm not a good paraphraser.
You know, the likeness between craig And the truckee river killer is eerie, But Craig's also just one of those Little, weird, white people, you know, Who looks like a serial killer.
I think when we go to the barbecue over there, Let's just-- we'll keep them separated, Keep him talking, And we'll do as much recon as we possibly can.
( wiegel ) craig is so-- He's good at absolutely everything.
I took a cooking class last year, But I was sick most of it, But I got the grilling part.
Craig took a screen-door-making class.
He made this screen door.
Get out ! Get out of town ! You have no idea how much work-- Right, honey ?-- Goes into these.
And they're really cheap to buy.
That took me four years.
Four years-- really ? Well, I notice you got-- Got your own meat grinder.
Yep, I make my own meats.
I make my meats.
I mix different stuff-- Chicken and burgers and sausages.
Do you guys like sausages and burgers and everything ? Can't wait, craig.
I'm gonna slip off to the little boys' room.
It's where I think it is, right ? Yeah, just right around the corner there.
Just around the way.
It smells like formaldehyde back there a little bit.
Yeah, sorry about the smell.
I pickle things.
My uncle's a surgeon, he lent me-- Hey, clemmy ! Yeah ? Could I borrow some of your bronzer ? Yes, you can-- I'll be back.
They seem really nice.
No, they're not nice at all, they're horrible.
( johnson ) what is that ? ( dangle ) Inside a birdcage.
One hell of a perch.
There's a perch, there's a giant All the biohazard stuff all around.
What's with all the biohazard stuff ? ( craig ) nobody likes a-- ( nervous laughter ) Craig's back ! You got some stuff in here.
Yeah, I got some great, classic pieces in here.
I gotta ask-- This is my favorite room.
Curiosity's killing my cat What's with the human-sized birdcage ? Oh, I just think birds should have A lot of room to fly around, you know ? They're given the gift of flight, So why trap them in a little cage ? Sure, why not give them a human-sized cage ? And that-- whoa ! Wow, look at that.
Yeah, this is for chopping off fingers.
I'm just kidding.
( laughter ) And I like to call this section "take three or lose eight.
" In the future, You can either take your three seconds to properly stop Or you can lose your eight hours in traffic school.
Okay, so normally, in your head, you're gonna count-- When you see a stop sign, You're gonna count, one, two-- And I know you, you're not gonna do the three.
You're gonna go, "one, two, go !" Boom, too soon.
So what you need to say in your head Instead of "one, two, go" Is "one, two, no," okay ? Now, as you say that no, That, in turn, has taken up the third second.
You see what I'm saying ? Then, you're gonna go, "four Put the pedal to the floor.
" Let's say everybody gets here all at once.
If you all got here at the same time, Well, y'all have the right of way.
It's always the person on your right, But there's a person on my right.
There's a person on my right.
Nobody knows who's right.
What you do in that situation is "g" and "r"-- Gun it and run it, and beat the other guy across.
Okay ? That's lunch.
Honey, I'm gonna move this.
It was on the food table.
I'm afraid it might be unsanitary.
Oh, good thinking.
She's so smart.
She thinks of everything, you think of everything.
Isn't she great, you guys ? She's a dream.
I'm just gonna put it-- Got some shoes over there ! Yeah, craig collects shoes.
What are the odds ? I love shoes, and he collects shoes.
And the thing that's funny is every shoe there-- Size 11, my size.
Isn't that weird ? That's a beautiful box you got there.
Oh, yeah, thanks, I'm not-- Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, that's gorgeous, what do you keep in there ? We're not gonna-- I don't-- We don't, uh I don't wanna go in the box.
I don't think we should even talk about the box.
What do you keep in the box ? It's just got a really pretty-- Don't touch the box, okay ? Don't you touch the box.
Okay.
Well, I think the meat's ready.
Guys ? He-- He has pills that he takes-- No, he's lovely.
He's lovely.
He's a lovely-- Let's just leave it at that.
We're all having a great time.
Okay, we're coming out.
( wiegel ) hi, honey.
Ooh, that meat looks good.
I believe if craig pullin actually did kill wiegel, It wouldn't be such a bad thing Because that poor woman's always been afraid of killing herself.
I know she wants to, And it might be the lord's way Of facilitating that end for her.
I think it would, In a morbid way, be a good thing for her.
Like when you jump out of planes the first time, There's always somebody with you To pull the rip cord in case you don't.
It's like craig pullin's Gonna kind of pull the old suicide cord on wiegel Since she's kind of got cold feet.
He's gonna be the little thing on her shoulder that says, "give it up.
" "do it.
" "and if not, hey, I'll do it for you.
" Kind of a death leprechaun.
Dude, that's a wicked-awesome band name.
If you kill yourself, you don't get a chance to repent, You ain't going to heaven.
But if somebody else cuts your throat, You got a 50/50 shot of getting in.
Hey Hey, mike.
( mike ) hey, jonesy.
You know why we're here ? Unh-unh.
Why are you here ? Nice to see you.
It's great to see you, too, big mike.
You having a little sale out here today ? Yeah, it's all stuff that was either given to me Or I purchased before.
Right there, that's why we're here.
What ? The shelves ? No, not the shelves.
What about this here, huh ? The flag ? Yeah.
What ? You can't have a nazi flag Flying in your neighborhood here.
You can't have that.
It's in bad taste, okay ? But is it against my power of the first amendment ? It is not against my power of the first amendment, man, To have a flag up, To have any kind of flag displayed at my house.
I'll give you $2 for it, okay ? That's a $15 flag.
Don't give him money for that ! $2 is good.
I got a stack of old penthouse here.
Maybe that would offend somebody, If you want to buy a stack of old penthouse.
Man, that's my comb table, man.
( mike humming ) ♪ and the cops bought a nazi flag today ♪ Brenda, I got $2, we can buy a poodle.
Ohh !! ( coughs ) Oh, something's gone wrong.
Oh, god.
Brenda, hold on.
( groans ) I somehow got the wind knocked out of me.
Oh, jeezer.
You know, it really hurts me To hear what the other deputies have to say about craig, It really does.
Um But he cares about me so much.
He told me that he would cut my head off and eat it If I ever needed him to.
That's love, I'm sorry.
He doesn't need to say the "l" word.
Damn japanese locks Okay, it is 20:00 hours.
We are at the residence of mr.
Craig pullin, Trudy's boyfriend.
We got craig and trudy ice capades tickets, So they should not be home for about two hours or so.
We're gonna do a little reconnaissance, See what we can't find out about this cat.
I got it.
Boo ! God ! Goddamn it Jesus ! Back door is open.
( whispering ) come on, go, go, go ! Shh.
Where do we go ? Check the box, check the box.
The box.
Use a hairpin.
( craig ) They ate the entire thing Which I think is weird.
( trudy laughs ) Hey, guys.
What the fuck ! What the fuck is going on ?! Does someone wanna tell me what's going on ? Trudy You know he looks like the truckee river-- We thought that craig looked like The sketch of the truckee river killer.
You've got to be fucking kidding me ! Get the fuck out ! Get out ! Get out right now ! Double time, out, gang.
Get the fuck out of here ! Get the fuck out ! Get out ! I'm sorry, trudy.
Get the fuck out ! God damn it, craig, I'm so sorry.
Listen, don't even worry about it.
They're just trying to do their jobs, you know.
I wouldn't even worry about it.
I'm so embarrassed.
( sighs ) Hmm Are you one of those drama queens ? Because I can't have you freaking out Every time you find a body part, okay ? We're gonna be in for a long night here.
I'm gonna go jerk off.
( harmonica plays ) ♪ I met a girl named trudy ♪ ♪ she loved me the most ♪ ♪ she-- she's got great curves ♪ ♪ and I don't mean to boast ♪ ♪ then she found a foot in my fridge ♪ ♪ and things got nuts ♪ ♪ then I got sent to jail, and that's kind of crazy ♪ ♪ I got the death-row blues ♪ ♪ I'm all over the news-- ♪ it goes on like that.
Oh, craig Yay ! It's all right.
Very successful program.
They got a lot of guns, don't they ? Trouble is, they resell them, I think.
Oh I don't think they sell them, I think they give them to children.
Hell's angels ? No, they're responsible guys.
No, you're thinking "toys for twats.
" They do that in April every year.
"toys for twats" I think they stopped doing, didn't they ? No, they did it last year.
Yeah, I think they're gonna stop 'cause some kid got herpes from handling a sit 'n spin.
Right