Retired at 35 (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

Mom, Dad.
Ooh, you're up early.
Yeah, I found this in my bed.
Finally, the kid got lucky.
I was in there changing your sheets, and your father came in, and one thing led to another And then another.
Well, almost.
So please tell me you changed the sheets again.
We started to, but I think that's what led to the "almost.
" I think he's got the picture.
Oh, I got the picture.
The question is, can I ever remove it? Well, if you have any complaints, you can submit them with the next rent check.
Oh, wait.
Good one.
I'm so happy we're back together.
I almost feel like we're on our second honeymoon.
Better than the first-- this one's paid for.
Everything is perfect.
It sure is.
I want to go to therapy.
But you said we're on our honeymoon.
But what happens when the honeymoon ends? What if you fall back into your old patterns? We need to make sure you're aware of your issues.
I don't want to go to therapy.
I want to go fishing.
I respect that, Alan.
But therapy is a safe, nonjudgmental space where we can discover all the things you're doing wrong.
I'll think about it.
Think in the car.
Our appointment's in 40 minutes.
Hey, Amy.
How are you today? I'm good.
What's up, David? Ah, not much, not much.
Hey, can I borrow this for a second? - No.
- Okay, thanks.
Oh, come on, they can't be that bad.
Oh, no? Okay, well, you know, Mom moves back in with Dad.
Great, right? Marriage saved.
My sanity and bed-- destroyed.
Gosh, are they still making out all the time? All the time.
It's like something got lost in Mom's throat, and Dad is looking for it with his tongue.
A simple "yes" would have been fine.
It's not just, you know, like, how often they're making out, it is where they're making out.
This morning I found Mom's bra in my bed.
Oh, that is disturbing.
God, it sounds horrible over there.
You know, if you ever just want to chill out here, that's totally fine.
Really? Yeah.
- Thank you, Amy.
- Aw.
You could've said good-bye.
Why say "good-bye" when I can say, "hello, roomie"? What? Come on, you have a spare room.
You work days.
I work never.
Oh.
No, no, no.
I said that you could chill here, not move in.
Come on, Amy, please? You don't know what it's like.
I mean, when it was just me and Dad, it was fine.
I could deal with his apathy.
But Mom-- Mom has expectations.
You're so lucky they ignored you all these years.
Look, I get it, but you know what? Things are pretty hectic right now, and I like my alone time.
Pushing pharmaceuticals on patients who don't really need them is exhausting.
I'll make you dinner, like, every night.
Well, I'm on a diet.
I started seeing this new guy for a few months now, and I want to get extra sexy.
A few months? Why haven't you told Mom and Dad? Oh, because my relationship's this delicate little puppy, and Mom and Dad are Lennie in Of Mice And Men.
Okay, okay, all right, you bring up a good point, see? Because this is another reason I should move in.
This way, I won't say, "Amy has a boyfriend," right? "Amy has a boyfriend.
Amy has a boyfriend.
" You see how that pops right out? Come on, you wouldn't really do that, would you? No, you know what? Of course not.
Amy has a boyfriend.
All right, you can crash here for a while.
Thanks, sis.
Thank you.
And I swear, I promise, you know what? You won't even know that I am here.
- Oh, I just - What? What is it? You're making sounds.
Why? Is it the pillows? There's something-- would you like them-- Okay, okay, okay.
The pillows are fine.
No, no, no, it's--it's-- they don't have to be the way they always are.
Look, you know what? This is going to be great, okay? I promise.
And it'll just be temporary until I can, you know, find a job and-- and my own place.
Yeah, that's what you told Dad a year ago.
I know.
I know.
And look at me now.
I'm moving out.
I-I'm not sure why we're here.
Things are fine.
Well, I told Alan, having just gone through a rough patch, for us to stay close, we have to work on our relationship-- both of us.
I was unhappy before.
I felt I wasn't being heard, and I felt completely unappreciated.
Alan, do you have anything to say? Yeah, we're $30 in, and I don't feel closer to my wife.
You can't look at therapy that way.
You have to look at why you're here.
Because my wife said I had to.
And do you do everything Elaine tells you to do? - Totally.
- Never.
Okay, there's a communication gap here.
Let's try to close it.
I want you two to try a little exercise.
Okay.
We could walk together.
Not that kind of exercise.
Oh, good.
I didn't want to do that.
Relationships are all about listening and giving, so I want each of you to plan a date for the other.
The only thing you can tell each other is what to wear.
Everything else has to be a secret.
Can I tell you a secret? I don't want to do this.
Trust the exercise.
Participate fully, and I think you'll see that it'll bring you closer, close that gap.
Right now I'm just looking to close my wallet.
See, this is going to be a test for Alan.
He makes fun of what he doesn't understand, right, Doctor? I didn't say that.
Do you want me to videotape the date I plan? We could use it as a training film for other couples.
I could do without the eye roll.
I'm not rolling my eyes.
I'm appealing to God for help.
Where are you going with my appliances? Oh, um, I'm just taking them over to Amy's.
She's on a diet, and I'm going to help her out with some healthy cooking.
In that case, take the salad spinner, too.
And when you get there, paint the kitchen blue.
It decreases the appetite.
Uh, that's false, 'cause I went to see a Blue Angels air show and ate 12 hot dogs.
Congratulations.
Hi, David.
Hey, Dad.
I'm, uh, moving out.
Bye.
Wait.
What? Bye Short for good-bye.
All right.
Okay, well, I'm taking off, Mom.
This is me, your firstborn, hitting the road.
- See ya.
- All right.
So, Alan Have you given any thought to our date tonight? A little bit.
What should I wear-- heels, evening dress, something new and shiny you're going to give me to wear on my wrist or ears? Tennis shoes.
Are you sure you don't mean dancing shoes? No.
Tennis shoes.
Oh, and a hoodie.
Lovely.
Shall I bring a can of spray paint so we can tag an underpass? Thank you, David.
You spin a mean salad.
Thank you.
Hey, you want to watch a movie? Oh, I was really hoping we could do the dishes first.
Yeah, okay, sure.
Go ahead.
No, I was thinking you could do the dishes.
Oh, uh, well, see, but I made dinner, right? And historically, if you make dinner, you don't do the dishes.
Well, historically, if you pay the bills, you don't make the dinner or do the dishes.
Uh, okay, yeah, you know, I'll--I'll do them later.
I kind of want to do them now.
Okay, you know what? The thing is you're tired.
So why don't we kick back and watch a movie, okay? Oh, and I was also thinking we could get more pay-cable channels.
Yeah, that's a really good idea.
We can split it like we do the bill.
50%, 0%, 50%? Forget it.
Forget it.
Where's the remote? I normally keep it on the coffee table.
Have you looked under your feet? Oh, it's not there.
Come on, David.
And the pillows-- remember, descending order.
It doesn't go big pillow, teeny pillow, large pillow, medium pillow.
I mean, who does that? I know.
That'd be pillow madness.
You know, David, Mom and Dad are out on their little therapy date.
Do you think maybe you could go chill at their house and give me a therapy night? No, thanks.
Besides, they'll probably be home early.
No matter what he does, Mom's going to hate it.
Why would you say that? Because Mom's impossible to please.
Well, maybe she wouldn't be impossible to please if he would try to please her every now and then.
Uh, well, maybe if she weren't on him about, you know, every little thing, he would.
Well, maybe she wouldn't have to be on him about every little thing if he would just listen to her the first time.
I could do without the eye roll.
I wasn't rolling my eyes.
I was asking God what the heck I'm doing here.
Okay, open your eyes.
Alan, what is this? You always dreamed of taking a night cruise off the Amalfi Coast.
But you always said we couldn't do it-- something about Corsican pirates.
Are those African calla lilies? Yep, and that's your favorite--rack of lamb.
And he knows your favorite song.
Is that my dress? Fresh from the dry cleaners.
22 bucks for dry cleaning? Talk about a pirate.
How did you-- this is the most wonderful, thoughtful date I've ever been on.
There's no way he thought of this on his own.
He cheated! He's a cheater at therapy! How dare you? How dare you both plan your father's date and make it totally fantastic? I had nothing to do with it, and David here has never been on a date, so I don't believe you.
The date was planned by somebody who was paying attention to me all these years, and that is not your father.
Well, it wasn't us.
We haven't been paying attention to what you want either.
That's true.
If you had, she'd have a baby, and you'd have a job.
Well, it was all Dad.
All right, way to go, Dad.
You know, we thought he was going to blow it.
Your father really thought of this all on his own? I think we're all a little shocked.
He--he knew my favorite song, my favorite flower, and which pearls I wear on my little black dress? See? It sounds like someone was paying attention all along.
That must make you feel good.
It makes me feel horrible.
See, this is where guys get confused.
No, I think I understand why Mom's upset.
Dad knew all these things all along, and he never acted on them.
- Am I right, Mom? - Yes.
So it would've been better if he had planned a bad date? - Yes! - Yes! Okay, I have nothing to add to this conversation.
All right, Mom.
So what are you going to do? Well, I have to go back to Dr.
Keller because clearly, I have work to do.
Well, good for you.
Oh, yeah.
There's no way in hell I'm going to let your father win therapy.
The goal of couples therapy isn't to win, Elaine.
It's to grow closer together.
And I'd say that Alan did a great thing by planning a terrific date.
So he wins? No one wins, Elaine.
You know who talks like that? Losers.
I don't think that's necessarily true.
Have you ever been married? I don't talk about my personal life.
So, no.
Look, I have to plan a date for Alan tonight, and I have no idea what to do.
Can you give me some ideas? Giving you an idea would be like a teacher giving a student the answers to a test.
I'm okay with that.
The answer has to come from you.
Besides, every couple is different.
Yeah, yeah, we're all beautiful snowflakes.
You've been married to Alan for 40 years.
Surely, you can come up with something.
That's the problem.
He never tells me anything.
He barely talks.
You know how couples finish each other's sentences? Sometimes I feel like I have to start them, too.
Did it ever occur to you that it may be hard for you to hear Alan if you're constantly talking? Why would that occur to me? David What is this big bag of potato chips doing on my seaweed, almond, and dried-cranberry shelf? Mocking them for not being delicious.
Why are you buying this garbage? I told you I was on a diet.
Hey, hey.
I want those.
Yeah? Reach in and get them.
Come on.
Oh, I heard that.
What? Well, that sighing thing.
You do it, like, a thousand times a day.
You do annoying stuff, too, you know.
Aside from paying all the bills, what do I do that's so annoying? Aside from reminding me that you pay the bills, I don't know-- there's the pillows.
- What? - "They must descend, David.
" Descending order-- it's the only way.
" David, do not touch my pillows! Ooh, Amy, Amy.
The descending pillows-- they're are ascending.
Help us, Amy! Oh, help us, help us! We're ascending, and we're not coming down in order! Who does that? I do that! Oh, you put my pillow down.
Yeah, you want it back? You want it? - You got it! - Stop it! What's wrong with you? Me? Living with you is way worse than my previous situation.
You know, David, did you ever think that maybe you're the problem? I'm the problem? You are judgmental.
You are picky.
And you know what? You're just impossible.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're oblivious and lazy and-- Oh, my.
Who does this remind you of? No No, no, no, no, no.
Don't say it.
Don't say it.
Don't you say it.
Mom and Dad.
That's not po-- Oh, my God.
We're them.
I got to move out.
- Yeah, you do.
- Good talk.
I'll pack.
Oh, hey, Mom.
I've, um - I've decided to move back in.
- Cue the streamers.
I have bigger problems.
It's my turn to plan a date for your father, and I have no idea what to do.
- I need your help.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I can help you.
I can help you.
Oh, but that would be cheating.
26 hours.
What is that? It's the amount of time it took for your abnormally large head to come out of my body.
You see the size of your head, David? Your head is exactly the size it was when you were born.
Your mother's right.
You couldn't sit up till you were two.
Hi, Dad.
I'm moving back in.
Three days-- even for you, that's quick.
"Welcome back, David.
" Oh, sorry.
I just wanted to hear it.
It's date night.
Where are we going? We are going You are going to that chair.
The chair? I'm slightly confused.
Well, you are confused because I'm going to let you put your feet up on the coffee table.
Oh.
And now Now, let's see You'll have your cigar and-- and watch the basketball game.
But I do that every Saturday night.
But not with your feet up.
How grand.
Is this it? All right, I admit it.
I've got nothing.
You win.
Win what? It feels like I lost.
Win therapy.
Huh? When she first suggested these dates, I thought I was going to do way better than you.
Now I can't think of anything.
And maybe there was some truth to what that shrink said when I went to see her alone.
You went to see her alone? I'm sorry, Alan.
I know that was cheating.
No, thanks for not dragging me.
She said that maybe I didn't know what you wanted because I've been so busy talking about what I want that I didn't listen enough.
Go on.
And it's true, isn't it? A little bit.
I am so sorry.
It's all right.
No, no, it's not.
Tell me what you've wanted all these years, Alan.
Tell me.
This.
What? Silence? Isn't it nice? You can answer.
You know what, Alan? You want some quiet? I have the perfect date for us.
Where are we? Someplace where you can get some silence.
Open your eyes.
Fishing! We have it chartered for the night.
We're baited up and ready to go.
And you won't hear a word from me.
But I want you to talk.
All right, I can talk.
But not until I catch the first fish.
We'll see who catches the first fish.
Thanks again for my date.
Sorry you didn't catch any fish.
Thanks for putting your 12 in the freezer.