Rev. (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

God! Sorry, vicarage.
Colin, what are you doing? The crack squirrels.
What? Squirrels on crack.
That one's had 50 quid's worth.
The dealers hide their stash under the bins, yeah, for easy access.
Then the squirrels dig them up.
We'll have the firearms unit here.
We'll be on the ten o'clock news.
If I don't take 'em out these squirrels can get dangerous.
They get cravings.
They get irritable and depressed and then they attack people.
Look, I've got dead squirrels on the grass now thanks to you.
But that wasn't me.
I haven't hit any of them yet.
Nah, you see, no entry or exit wound.
Overdose.
Here she is.
You'll love her.
Who's this? Abigail.
The archdeacon's got a curate who wants to join me for second curacy.
This is great.
I'll be able to achieve a lot more with another priest, push through more of my plans.
Yes, she's pretty, isn't she? Nice for you to have her around to help you.
No, Alex, this is good.
I'll be able to impart some of my wisdom.
I can see you imparting your wisdom at her.
Abi is one of our bright stars.
Very able, very, very able.
Highly intelligent, terrific communicator and a popular touch.
I think she'll really be able to help Adam out.
It would be good to have someone to talk to on my level.
Have you read her PhD on neo-orthodoxy and realistic dialectical theology? It's impossible to put down.
Was it? Yes.
It's high time you were a training priest.
We've all been saying so for a while.
Have you? Yes.
We all have.
You can help her flourish, guide her, enable her.
Yes, I bet he will.
Weekend in a boutique hotel.
In that case, I think she's completely brilliant.
Appoint her immediately.
I'm sure we'll make a great team.
Yes.
Thanks for the coffee.
Is that the new curate's book on neo-orthodoxy and dialectical theology? Yeah.
It's, well, cor I'm loving it.
I didn't think it was that well-structured.
I never quite know what anagogical means.
Do you? Anagogical? She mis-uses it a couple of times.
Don't be sour.
She's clearly brilliant.
She'll be here any minute.
Bet you the archdeacon's thrown a dead cat over the wall.
No, she's going to be great for us.
Father Winters had a curate recently of course, the notorious Karen.
She ran off with his wife.
Well, I'm sure Abigail won't try and seduce Alex.
Good luck to her if she does.
Hi, you must be Abigail.
You must be Father Adam.
Please, call me Abi.
Nigel.
Hi.
What a beautiful church.
It's an incredible space.
It's got so much potential.
You should see the heating bills.
I love it here already.
I've been looking forward to meeting you so much.
You've got such an amazing reputation.
Have I? The archdeacon said you were the best vicar in London.
No.
Did he? He's the best vicar in the country.
Unfortunately we're not in the country.
We're in the city.
It's the actual bell.
Abi, it would be great to get you doing some bible study groups.
Of course.
And I'm very much here for you if you want to bounce ideas around on those.
I'd love to bounce with you.
Well, I'm just looking forward to discovering what you're good at.
Right.
Perhaps Abi could help you reorganise the vestry.
Get it working properly as an office like you've always threatened.
Yes, that would be good.
Sure.
Happily.
We should put all your sermons up on your website as sound files.
Can you do that? It should be Twitter linked.
We could link it up to my followers if you like.
Yes.
Have you got those Twitter people? A few hundred cos of my book but tell me more about the parish, and what's the five-year plan? Sorry, the mission action plan.
Yeah.
Nigel why haven't we got that written up yet? Cos you haven't thought about it.
No, I have, thank you.
I imagine you're far too busy to be distracted by paper exercises when you could be out in the parish.
Yes, that's right.
No.
I've got something I wanted to give you.
I have got two free passes to the Green Belt Festival next weekend.
Glastonbury for Christians.
You don't do to that? Yes.
It's really cool and fun.
Trust me.
You'll enjoy it.
There's different music and people talking.
They always have Peter Tatchell.
Haven't you got friends you'd like to go? Sure, but I'd like you to have them.
They gave me comps because I fixed them Brian Cox as a guest speaker.
It really doesn't sound like my scene.
I'm sorry.
I meant for Adam and his wife.
You and Alex could have a weekend off.
Abi Great.
Thanks.
Alex will be thrilled.
Do you think you could come into the church at seven o'clock this evening and let in the ladies' yoga class? Yes, sure.
Maybe I'll slip a prayer in just to start things off.
Don't worry, no-one will notice.
I like meditation classes.
It's just fat mums doing yoga.
Abi's lovely, isn't she? Couple of pints.
Home early to see Alex.
We had a nice chat.
She said I should try and cut down on the drink and smokes.
Turn me life around.
Right.
Good for her.
WE'VE talked about that before, haven't we? Yeah, but she really makes me want to do it.
And, she said I should think about getting confirmed sometime.
Do you want to get confirmed? I'm not sure yet.
I need to know more about it.
Have you been baptised? I'm not sure.
Is it likely? Don't worry, we can do a conditional baptism either way.
Great.
Let's definitely do the baptism.
Can Abigail do it? Well, it's my church, Colin.
I'd like to do it.
OK.
Do you want a squirrel? What are you doing with them? The dealers give me two quid for every one I kill.
Then I sell them on to Abdul at Kebab Universe.
My round next.
Let the weekend commence.
Can't believe we've got a weekend away.
What's all this stuff? Who's coming with us? I hope Abi can cope without me.
She's a grown curate.
Have you seen the forecast? Rain and light drizzle and then rain.
Darling, you know what? I'm knackered.
I'm not sure that I want to spend the weekend with 20,000 fellow Christians in a field with bad food, bad weather, pooing in a hole and nothing but cheap cider to make it bearable.
How about we just spend the weekend here together? A stay-cation.
Shut up, Granddad.
I've been looking forward to it.
We'll enjoy it when we get there.
I promise.
OK then.
I hate sleeping in tents.
Why have we done this? It's fun.
This is great.
I heard you flush last night.
No, I didn't.
That's cheating.
We said this would be a proper festival at home so no loo flushing.
Very funny.
If we're doing this properly can you get some cheap cider from the shop? Yes, my lover, yes.
Love, peace, justice, tolerance but above all, hope.
If we can follow the example of the girl in the story then maybe we can have these things in our lives too.
And we can start to have them now.
Everything OK at the church? I didn't go to the church.
It doesn't take an hour to buy two bottles of cider from the corner.
I just put my head in.
Thought I better see if they could cope without me.
Can they? Yeah.
Yeah.
Abi's very up all the time.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's manic depressive.
She's energetic so must be a manic depressive? No, but there are a lot of depressives in the church.
She seems incredibly balanced and competent to me.
More than anyone else I've met in your world.
I think she's great.
She's got me a weekend with you.
She can be a bit conceited though, don't you think? I thought you wouldn't talk about the church during the festival.
No.
OK, we're going to get back to it.
Now, I want you to queue 20 minutes for one of these burgers and then I'm going to make sure you get food poisoning.
Thanks.
I should have done it years ago, really.
What will I feel apart from a wet head? You'll feel that God reached out to you with his love.
What does that feel like, then? Well, on a good day, that feels like heaven.
I feel at peace.
I feel a real sense of connection to others.
Yeah.
An absence of anything bad.
And there are moments when I almost feel like I'm surfing on a great wave of hope and love.
A bit like doing ecstasy? No! And most importantly, you'll feel part of a huge, loving family.
So it's exactly like doing ecstasy, then? No, it isn't.
What I'm talking about is a permanent spiritual state that underpins my entire being.
What you're talking about is chemical, temporary, illegal and almost certainly harmful.
Have you ever taken any drugs? No.
I smoked dope once.
It's great, isn't it? Have you ever had an E? No.
You've got to, Adam.
You'd love it.
No, Colin.
I'm not interested in any of that.
Well, what about those Mexican priests who get closer to God by sucking on a cactus? Peyote? Yeah, they're very respected those priests, and they're always off their tits.
Mind-altering substances aren't that big in the Church of England.
Apart for drink.
All vicars drink loads.
And you smoke fags.
Them ones are fine.
No, they're not.
Right, I've got to go and see Abi now.
Lovely Abi.
Can I come? Is it me or is she a bit full of herself? No, she's an angel.
She came to the night shelter and she made two puddings.
You never do puddings.
She did sponge and custard and trifle.
And she washed Goran's feet.
Did she? Yeah.
Isn't it marvellous? When did you do all this? I take it all back.
Abi is extraordinary.
What energy she has.
Look at all this.
Finally the room works.
Newsletters here, insurance there, DAC here, PCC there.
35 sheets a minute from this puppy.
Colour copy, print and scan.
And look at this.
It's on wheels.
You can move it about.
Abi.
What the hell's been going on while I've been away? What have I done? What have you done to the vestry? I'm sorry.
I thought this was a good thing to do.
You said reorganise the vestry.
No, I didn't! I did, but not like this.
Rearrange, not restructure.
I don't know where anything is now.
Where's my Where's my maps of the diocese for a start? My pens, where are my pens? I want it put back as it was.
And how did you pay for all this? You can't just spend church funds without talking to me first.
Did a special fundraising thing in the pub.
Pub church.
It was great, Adam.
You can't preach in a pub.
Everybody loved it.
That's why they gave so much.
OK, I'm sorry.
You're absolutely right.
I should have spoken to you first.
It's my mistake.
Would you like me to cancel the family service that I've got planned? You can't cancel that, Abs, everyone's really looking forward to it.
I want to try and grow the congregation.
This looks good.
How was Greenbelt Festival? Did you have a great time? Yeah, it was great, thanks.
Yeah.
Who did you enjoy the most? Peter Tatchell talking about injustice all over the place.
It was a great rally cry.
Peter Tatchell pulled out this year.
He didn't make it.
No, he was definitely there.
I saw him.
Who else did you enjoy? Beyonce? I see.
You didn't go.
Hello.
Adam Smallbone.
Hi.
That sounds awful.
How can I help? It's for you.
Hello.
Hi! I'm very much enjoying helping Abi develop her skills.
However, although there are many aspects of her I admire enormously her intelligence, bags of energy Get on with it, Adam.
I'm not sure we're a perfect match.
Can't you cope with her? No, I can.
Is it because she's a woman? No, it's just we have different to be honest, she can be a bit insubordinate.
Really, what's she done? For instance, she reorganised the vestry without asking me.
No.
It's not just that.
She's alienating several of my congregation.
Who? I don't want to name names.
Colin? Nigel? No.
Ellie? No.
Adoha? No.
Nigel? No.
Colin? Also, she can be very cavalier with the liturgy.
No, she's a star and you're very lucky to have her.
Did you read her review of Philip Pullman's new one in the Church Times? No.
It was superb.
Muscular, perceptive it was gripping.
In case you hadn't noticed, Adam, young, smart, dynamic women are not exactly queuing up to join the church as if it were The X Factor.
Is she like Susan Boyle? Shut up! She's ten times the cleric you'll ever be.
People are saying "female bishop", so I suggest you just try and get on with her.
Otherwise I fear it could be extremely deleterious to your ministerial review.
Right.
Can I get out at these lights, please? No.
'Fucking hell, she plays the piano as well.
Of course she does.
'Why have you sent this woman, Lord? 'I should be able to love her but I can't.
'I'm jealous of her 'because she's cleverer than me and kind and hardworking 'and she brings the Liturgy alive and she fills the church.
'I bet she speaks Hebrew as well.
'And Aramaic.
'Why do I find her so irritating? 'It's pathetic.
'It's cos I'm scared, isn't it? 'I'm scared I'll be side-lined.
'She's like a a cuckoo 'who's also a concert pianist.
'I've got to rise to the challenge.
'I'm going to try and love her.
'Love does not envy.
'I want her to go away.
'Please make her go away.
'Hello.
' I'm a hopeless priest.
I don't inspire anyone.
You do.
People are bored with me.
When I see how people respond to her I realise they love her.
They look forward to her services.
I bet even God's bored with mine.
No, he's not.
You're not boring.
Just because as a child I used to dress up and pretend to baptise the cat and Mum and Dad laughed and clapped at me, here I am, 30 years on, still doing it.
But now everyone's stopped enjoying it.
So I might as well stop.
I was always irrelevant outside my church and now I'm irrelevant inside it.
Why has God chosen me for this when I'm no good at it? I'm sure Abi's service will be amazing.
Give me some of that, Colin.
"The best service I've ever, ever been to.
" "Much better than yours, Adam.
" "She's so talented.
" "You're so lucky to have her.
" Shot, vicarage! Good shot! This is quite nice, what is it? That's one of me specialses, Colin Brainmasher.
Two parts whisky, one part ouzo, some mint and mostly MDMA.
What? Ecstasy.
You'll love it.
I quite often have an E before the service.
Ecstasy's in this? Yeah.
Colin, I can't believe you've done that.
How dare you do that? That's outrageous.
What, what, you can't force feed people chemical drugs.
What if I die? What if I have an adverse reaction and, and, and die? Should we, shall we call an ambulance? Is there an antidote? What will it feel like? When, when will it start? I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of Heaven, of Earth, of all things visible and invisible.
God of God, light of light.
I'm off my tits, Lord! Colin did it, naughty Colin.
This is I'm sorry but this is this is wonderful.
Look at the window.
Look at the colours in the window.
So beautiful.
I can feel you.
I love you, Lord.
I love your world and all the people in it and the Milky Way and all the other parallel universes that we haven't discovered yet and everything else that you've made that we don't even know about.
The archdeacon.
And Abi.
It's great to have a family service, Adam.
We've got our "Jesus cures the leper" colouring sheets.
Steve, I love having you in this church.
If you ever need anything from me will you just ask me? Yeah, will you do that? Will you just ask? Promise you will.
Yes, OK.
Hello, girls.
Come on, girls.
Let's find a pew.
I've put out the kids' fairy cakes.
So many people today.
Isn't it wonderful? It is.
Adoha, you're such a vital part of this congregation, of my life.
Am I? I love having you here.
Come here.
Ooh! Hello, you two.
What's going on? Nothing.
I love you.
You look so beautiful today.
Thank you, Adam.
I think he's talking to me, Adoha.
What's the matter with you? Nothing.
I've had some ecstasy by accident.
What?! Colin put it in a drink.
You've got to do service.
No, it's OK.
Abi's doing it.
Adam, are you happy for me to start? Wonderful, beautiful Abi, yes, please start.
In fact, I'm going to introduce you.
Hey, everyone, I'm so excited about today's service.
It's so wonderful to have so many of you here, due to Abi, who is a wonderful, beautiful, special person.
Intelligent, lovely, charming, clever, wonderful and beautiful, so come on up here, angel, and start things off.
You can be the great multitude who followed Jesus down the mountain to meet the leper, try and look like a multitude, whatever that looks like.
Mel, can you pretend to be the poor leper for me? You've got like horrible, scratchy skin, scratchy, oh, scratchy.
Yeah, that's it.
That's great.
I'm a leper too.
Look, my fingertips have dropped off.
OK, I'm Jesus and I heal you.
I'm so sorry.
It won't happen again.
Bye, Mel.
What a great service, Abi.
Everyone loved it.
Thank you.
It was wonderful.
It had such grace and depth to it.
I'm realising you and I can achieve great things together here.
I thought you didn't like me.
No, no, no.
You mustn't think that.
I think you are the most naturally gifted priest that I've ever met.
OK, yes, you're right, I have to confess I was envious of you and it's made me feel small and jealous and nasty and pathetic and it's ridiculous because I'm so lucky to have you here.
Can I Would you mind if I? No, of course.
It's just that I heard you were complaining about me.
What? No.
You said I was insubordinate and turning people away.
You mustn't think that.
People can misread things.
You complained about me to the archdeacon, didn't you? I did a bit.
I was upset to hear you felt that.
I'm moving on, Adam.
I've been asked to become a Canon of St Paul's Cathedral.
St Paul's? Right.
Good for you.
It's funny, isn't it? All that stuff that we're supposed to understand about loving thy neighbour, it sounds so easy but actually it's hard, isn't it? Yeah.
I really need some water now.
Adam, what? Again? It's 4am.
Twice is enough for one night.
It's night? Yes, it is.
OK, do nice spooning.
Night night.
I love you.
Yeah.
What's up, vicarage? It's all right, Colin.
I just feel incredibly sad today and exhausted and I don't know why.
Is it because Abi's left? I don't think so.
I very rarely cry.
What day is it? Wednesday.
Yeah, that's just your E comedown.
Always on a Wednesday for some reason.
Best off drinking through it.
I wish you'd never made me take that stupid, shameful drug.
It's not fun.
I'm really looking forward to my baptism tomorrow and being held in God's palm and everything.
Come on, let's go to t'pub.
You'll be right as rain in the morning, vicarage, promise.
Come on.
Colin Benson Lambert I baptise you, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Thanks.
Ta.