Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e02 Episode Script

This is so not me.
WITCHES [CHANTING.]
: We are witches with positive powers We'll be marching For hours and hours - I don't wanna go to witch camp.
- Come on.
- It won't be that bad.
- Are you kidding? I've been there.
- What? - I didn't study either.
And don't bother fleeing to Canada.
It doesn't work.
Time to go.
Need a hand? [SCREAMS.]
SABRINA: That was so not nice.
Lots of swimming pools in the Other Realm.
Ow.
Name? Sabrina Spellman.
Regulation uniform, SP pack, dog tags, boots.
- I'm just a number to you, aren't I? - S-dash-2103411819-dash-577-K.
Okay, so I'm a lot of numbers to you.
- I wish we could help Sabrina.
- You know we can't.
But I have something that's going to cheer you up.
I'm going to take a walk on the wild side - and spend the money.
- No.
- Yes.
I'm going to buy a lab.
- A puppy? - A dog? - No, a laboratory.
I'm not relieved.
It's time I branched out from physics into chemistry.
I really think I can help mankind.
Maybe end hunger, cure diseases, develop a nail-polish remover that doesn't stink.
Where are we gonna put a laboratory? The dungeon's full.
It'll fit right on top of the dining-room table.
I'm gonna buy one of those new quantum labtops.
Oh, let's just invest it.
- Hey, look, we wore the same outfit.
- No talking during cleanup.
Ten-hut! Well, looks like we got another crop of pathetic witches.
You couldn't zap your way out of a paper bag.
Prepare for inspection.
Get that dirt out of those fingernails, witch girl.
Those cuticles are a disgrace.
- Well done, Fink.
- Sir, I just had a manicure, sir.
Spellman.
Spellman.
Why is that name so familiar? Hilda Spellman.
Hilda "Thorn in My Side" Spellman.
- Don't tell me you're related to Hilda.
- Okay.
All right, we all know why you're here.
You're failures.
Washouts.
Losers.
And it's my unfortunate duty to take your sorry fingers and make men out of them.
Now, get out there and make some magic.
Out! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut [HUMMING.]
Excuse me, Sergeant Slater.
I appreciate all you're trying to do, but I have a bit of a situation.
- A situation? - Yeah, see, it's really just bad timing.
Tonight's the football formal kickoff at my high school.
- Ah, big doings in the Other Realm.
- Right, and I promised Harvey-- Your special guy.
Exactly.
I promised him that I'd be there, and I've been kind of letting him down a lot lately.
Well, precious, I know how important these high school things are.
Really? So do you think it'll be okay if I go? What I think is you're in witch camp now! My hair.
I can't believe we had to scale that wall till we hit clouds.
- Crybaby.
- If I had strength, I'd trip you.
Ten-hut! If you thought today was fun, just wait till tomorrow.
- What are these? - Deactivators.
While that's on your ankle, you can't use your magic.
Just in case anybody's thinking about popping in popcorn or popping out to Paris.
[SLATER LAUGHS.]
Nighty-nights, ladies.
Just doesn't sound as mean when they really are ladies.
I see you.
Regulations prohibit puttering after lights out.
Conserve your energy, Fink.
You have a lot of kissing up to do tomorrow.
Look, I know what you're doing, and I'm going to tell.
Regulations prohibit getting out of bed before sunup.
Drat.
First thing in the morning, I'm tattling my brains out.
I'm so glad we spent our small fortune on a briefcase.
So fire it up and whip me up some hospital-grade catnip.
Uh-uh.
This is highly technical equipment.
No one touches anything until I've read the manual.
- Push the button.
- You push it.
Push it.
Cool.
[SLATER WHISTLING.]
[SABRINA GRUNTS.]
[FABRIC TEARS.]
Ow! [DOG BARKING.]
Mine! Ow! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS.]
Yeah, I'd like to place an order.
I'll be paying with cash.
First item: mouse on a string.
Now, that's a real mouse, right? No? Yeah, and don't ever call me here again.
Sabrina? You busted out of the joint? - I've gotta get this deactivator off.
- I'll pick it with my dewclaw.
It's essentially the same lock that's on your diary.
Huh.
I clean up pretty good.
- Hey, Harvey.
- Sabrina, you finally made it.
Wild dogs couldn't keep me away.
Hey, you shaved.
Second time this month.
It's getting to be a real pain.
- So did you bring my poster? - Poster.
Right.
Bathroom.
Be right back.
[SABRINA CLEARS THROAT.]
[WHISTLING.]
They're big enough.
Just go.
Have fun.
Here you go, Harvey.
Okay.
[SOUND OF ENGINE STALLING.]
No, no, not again.
[SOUND OF ENGINE STALLING.]
[YELLS.]
No.
[YELLS.]
- Okay.
- Kink? It could be your sports name.
You know, like Shaq.
Well, at least you tried.
Let's go to the dance.
Sounds great.
You know, I think they offer art classes in summer school.
All right, I'm ready to open her up.
Put that down! [GLASS BREAKS.]
We'll put a plant over that spot.
I specifically told you not to touch anything.
I think that's what made it so tempting.
You have no expertise at this level of chemicals.
That's what they said to the guy who invented Post-its.
Ha.
Whoo! Cool.
You know, Zelda, I can admit when I'm wrong.
I love the labtop.
We are not keeping this car.
And we are not keeping Erik Estrada.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's not so much a poster as a cry for help.
[GIRLS LAUGHING.]
Deep down she can't be happy, right? Sabrina, I know I'll probably step on your toes, and it'll be really awkward, but do you wanna dance? How can I resist? [R & B MUSIC PLAYING.]
- You're not a bad dancer.
Ow! - Sorry.
I'm glad we're finally spending some time together.
Me too.
Spellman! [SCREAMS.]
- What'd I step on? - No, no, I'm okay.
Looks like she dances as well as she draws.
Gotta go.
Sabrina! You lost your boot? Unauthorized leave, upsetting a fellow recruit, deactivating your deactivator, feeding a canine officer a non-food substance.
- Hey, he picked that fight, not me.
- Oh, yeah? That's not what he said.
Oh, my poor finger.
So sorry.
- Your two days are up.
- Woo-hoo! Spellman, that may be a premature "woo-hoo.
" If you miss your second question, you'll be mine for an entire year.
And if you're anything like your aunt, you will miss it.
Don't worry.
I won't be back.
HILDA: Sabrina, we're here to take you home.
Hilda Spellman.
Oh, no, the flashbacks.
[SLATER SCREAMS.]
Isn't that sweet? He remembers me.
Thanks for the soak.
Well, better go study the magic handbook.
Just as soon as I catch up with Harvey and Valerie.
ZELDA: Sabrina.
- What? You can't study all the things you need to study and keep doing all the extra things you've been doing.
- You think? - Let's make a list of all your activities - and see where we can skim the fat.
- All right.
Well, study the magic handbook, school, hang with Valerie, edit the paper, AP Algebra, and Harvey stuff.
You know, like football games, Slicery, phone calls.
Now, what can you cut out? School? All right, I'll-- I'll stay on the paper, but I'll give up being editor.
- And? - And what? Algebra.
- The Harvey stuff.
- You have to cut back a little.
I can't cut back on Harvey.
There's more at stake than you realise.
I can't say more, or Zelda will hurt me.
How can I cut back on Harvey now? I mean, I fell asleep on the phone, I forgot about his cookies, I-- I made him the worst poster, and I left him at the school dance.
I'm a lousy girlfriend.
He deserves better.
Can't believe I have to cut back on Harvey.
How am I gonna do it? Ow.
Salem, is this new? No way.
Carbon-date the teeth marks if you don't believe me.
I can't even go to the game with him.
Poor Harvey.
I can't imagine how he's gonna react.
Harvey, you deserve more than a part-time girlfriend, so we have to see less of each other.
No! No! I can't do that to Harvey.
I don't wanna hurt him.
- Well, whip up a "no-pain" spell.
- "No-pain" spell? Never heard of that.
- You really do need to study more.
- Okay, okay.
I'm studying, I'm studying.
Let's see "No fat, no nonsense, No, no, Nanette"? Oh, here it is.
"No pain.
" Wow, looks hard.
It's got a lot of ingredients.
SALEM: Follow me.
- Okay.
Push the button.
- No, you push it.
Push it.
Cool.
Now, should I make "no-pain" pudding or "no-pain" fruitcake? Go with the pudding.
Fruitcake is better for breaking up with retirees.
Right.
Okay, we'll make butterscotch.
Let's see.
A few drops of hydrochloride.
Ammonia phosphate.
- Raisins? - High in fibre.
- And glycerine.
Do you see glycerine? - I think it's the blue goo.
That can't be right.
I don't have time for this.
So when you dipped me and I looked in the mirrored ball, I suddenly felt sick, I had to get out of there.
I bet it was those quesadillas the driver's ed teacher brought.
He hasn't been the same since that sophomore ran him over.
Well, we'll make up for lost time this Friday at the football game.
- I brought you butterscotch pudding.
- Sabrina, that's so sweet.
- I'm gonna save it.
- No.
Eat it.
Looks great, but I can't.
Coach says, "You eat a pudding at lunch, you're a pudding on the field," and I think that's bad.
Have you seen the gut on that guy? What does he know? I guess one little bite won't hurt.
Okay.
Should pudding fizz? Harvey, you deserve more than a part-time girlfriend, so I think we should see less of each other.
Okay.
Okay.
And I guess that means I won't be able to watch you not play in the game on Friday.
Okay.
So I don't want to leave you hanging, so I guess you should invite someone else.
Hey, Jennifer.
Wanna go to the game on Friday? - Sure.
- Good.
I meant someone in your family.
- So how'd it go with Harvey? - He's fine.
But I could use a pudding.
When I feel bad, I have corn dogs.
Mrs.
Quick, I think the paper would be better served by an editor who has more time.
I knew she'd crack.
Sorry to lose you, Sabrina, but there was another editorial that really gave us goose bumps and was spelled correctly.
You're in.
Our new editor will be Valerie.
ALL: Valerie? SABRINA: Congratulations.
You'll be great.
Yeah, it's wonderful.
I'm gonna be sick.
Okay, here's the next question.
Gibbous moon.
Significance thereof.
Right now I'm missing the football game.
Oh, please.
The boy doesn't even play.
Come on.
Gibbous moon.
When flying during a gibbous moon, there can be reduced visibility due to glare.
- Good.
- Sabrina.
It's time for your second-chance quiz.
That's it? No witty remarks, no floorshow? Well, I didn't have much time to prepare.
Had to buy a belt.
Can we get this over with? I'm sick of studying.
It takes all the fun out of magic.
Oh, come with me.
I'm gonna take you to the most fun place in all the Realm.
This is the fun zone? Where are we? This is grey space.
Or some call it decorator white.
- And we're here because? - Oh, this is your test.
- Show me the real Sabrina.
- What? This wasn't in the handbook.
No, no, you're right, but if you studied, well, then you can do this.
I still don't know what you mean, but I'll try something.
Oh, very nice.
That was fun.
Finally, magic is fun again.
Sabrina Spellman, you've learned that magic is a way of life.
- It's a part of who you are.
- I passed? - But it comes with responsibility.
- I didn't pass.
You showed you're responsible by studying, then you got to have fun.
If I cry, will you tell me? This is the best part of the job.
Aside from the money.
- I passed! - With flying colours.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
Woo-hoo! I'm out of here.
Thanks for everything.
I like that girl.
[SALEM CRYING.]
Can't I just keep the kitty bunk bed? - Afraid not, cat burglar.
- Mean.
Look, we'll make you a deal.
You have to give back the toys, but you can keep the money you took.
- Really? - Yes, but you have to invest it.
Go with her.
She'll beat you down.
- I did it.
I passed.
HILDA: Congratulations.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Give me five.
I can't.
[CRYING.]
Okay, here it is.
"With magic comes responsibility.
Sabrina Spellman.
Official learner's permit.
" Learner's permit? This is supposed to be a licence.
Who do we call? Honey, it's right.
Everyone knows you get a permit before you get a licence.
Not me.
This permit means that you're gonna be tested on and off for the next year.
You don't get your actual witch's licence until you're 18 and can pay for the insurance.
Tested all year? But I can't cut back on Harvey all year.
It gets worse.
If you don't get your licence, you'll become completely mortal.
I know that's bad news for you, but you have no idea how good it is to finally be able tell you.
Great.
If I study, I may lose Harvey, and if I don't study, I'll lose my powers.
This is gonna leave no time for TV.
I've been meaning to bring this by.
I think it's yours.
I don't think so.
Just go with it.
It's a little something from me.
He won't remember a thing.
- Well, maybe you should try it on.
- Maybe I should.
[GIGGLES.]
[R & B MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Ow! - Sorry.