Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

1 [RAPID PANTING.]
[PANTING CONTINUES.]
[PANTING CONTINUES.]
Oh, good.
You're awake.
- Honey, are you okay? - [PANTING CONTINUES.]
You're breathing really fast, Mom.
I know.
This is new.
[PANTING.]
Well, as you saw yesterday, I'm a little antsy.
Anyway, I didn't want you to wake up and find me gone and worry.
[PANTING.]
I gotta go.
Go? Do you think that's a good idea? I don't.
Where are you going? I don't know, but I gotta get out of here.
Sweetie, we just unchained you and you're kind of kill-happy right now.
So I'm going to have to insist - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Okay, drive safe.
Nice.
- You could've said something.
- I just woke up.
Me, too.
[DISTANT HAWK SCREECHES.]
[PANTING.]
[PANTING.]
Ha! [FAINT SQUEAK.]
[PANTING.]
Who's my little friend? Who's my furry little cross-training friend? You are.
Let's go again.
I'll give you a head start.
Oh, my God, you can run and poop.
That's so cool.
You were chasing rabbits? Yeah.
I tried jogging, but I didn't feel any better.
And then this rabbit ran out in front of me and I went after it and I was like, "Yes, this is scratching that itch.
" You know what's cool? I'm never surprised anymore.
Well, I feel like channeling my bloodlust is key to preventing something like last night's oopsie.
There's an eyelid on the light.
Oopsie.
[SQUISHING.]
Mmm! So I took the container with Serbian Guy back to the storage unit.
And then I destroyed his phone and then buried his clothes in the desert.
Look at me, I'm becoming a morning person.
If this helps you be less murdery, that's great.
My concern is, if someone sees you running around snatching rabbits like a coyote in yoga pants, they might ask questions like, "What the fuck is that?" No one's gonna see me.
I'm way out in the desert, even past where we buried Gary.
I just think you should keep a low profile until we know what's going on.
Maybe we'll get you a treadmill.
We could put a toy rabbit on a stick in front of it and you can chase that.
Well, make up your mind, Joel.
Am I a coyote in yoga pants or a greyhound at a racetrack? He's thinking, he's thinking.
He knows he screwed up and he's going with You are my beautiful wife.
Nailed it.
Don't come at me with that weak tea.
I love you very much.
What is that supposed to mean? She's trying to get in your head.
Don't listen to her.
Okay, when I was running, I had a thought.
I think we should go to the office today and tell Carl that we want in on that big housing development he's doing.
Or even better, we hold off for a while on seeing our boss who yells at us and whose vocal cords you might rip out and eat in front of him.
Come on, Joel.
I don't wanna lay low.
I wanna make my mark.
I wanna shake shit up.
Dream big.
My dream right now is to keep my family together and my wife out of jail.
And take apart this hammer-knife I made to kill the undead, and use the hammer portion to build bookshelves.
Then, when my workday is done, the knife to cut Brie and, perhaps, an apple.
Fine.
I'll go see Carl alone.
But if he doesn't let us in on that project, I am going to pry it out of his plump and salty fingers.
Okay, I'll come with you.
[CLATTERS.]
By God, I'm gonna have an apple today.
- Hi, Joel.
- Hey, Lisa.
How you doing? I'm okay.
Still no news about Dan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That must be hard.
- Yeah.
- Hello, Joel.
You know what they say "When God closes a door, He always opens a window.
" With a breathtaking view.
- Don't you start.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- We're still praying for Dan.
- She loves God.
He blesses everything we do.
Well, He sure made you His instrument.
Stop.
How are you doing, Joel? I saw in the sheriff's log you trashed Principal Novak's house.
Yeah, Alondra said you told her some crazy story about trying to move furniture? Yeah, she got that wrong.
- So, why were you there? - I drove over in my car.
No, why were you there? [LAUGHS.]
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I thought you said, "How was I there?" Which was by way of car.
- Do you not wanna tell me, Joel? - Of course I do.
I was there to see his grandmother.
I volunteer to teach the elderly.
Oh, that's sweet.
What do you teach them? Dancing.
[YELLS.]
Sheila, we're gonna be late! You wrecked Principal Novak's living room by dancing? Well, it was the salsa.
And when you dance with pasión, as I do, sometimes things get away from you.
Salsa! [LAUGHS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- Oh, hey, guys.
- Hi.
Joel was telling us he gave dance lessons to Principal Novak's grandmother.
Wha? Yeah.
He's a wonderful dancer.
So you're both athletic.
I saw you coming from your run.
I was heading out for mine.
Oh.
You run? Duh.
Check out those "getaway sticks".
Boom.
- You need to stop.
- Why don't you make me, Officer? Well, we really should be going.
Hey, Sheila, we should go running together sometime.
Now I'm hanging out with Blondie, it'd be good to get to know you better.
I would love that.
Yeah, wouldn't that make sense? You and Deputy Garcia getting to be friends.
Speaking of friends, is it okay if I bring Anne to dinner Tuesday night? Don't tell me you forgot.
You canceled last time.
Shoot.
Sheila, what's that thing we have on Tuesday? Dinner with Lisa.
And now with Anne.
Yeah.
That's what I was fishing for.
We get rid of one cop, now you bring another into our lives? You're too impulsive.
At least let me do the talking with Carl today.
If you talk, you'll claim you're the world's fastest tap dancer.
Salsa.
Maybe neither of us should talk to Carl.
You're right, it's too dangerous.
Let's build your bookshelves.
- Really? - No.
Drive.
We have a problem.
I got another hit on our job board listing.
Take it down.
We got the bile.
Unless you want more.
Perv.
I did take it down.
Then I realized there's an e-mail exchange between us and the Serb your mom killed.
If anyone investigates his disappearance, they could find it.
We need to access and delete e-mails on his end.
Do you have his cell phone? - No, my mom destroyed it.
- Shit! He didn't mention his password before your mom killed him? Unless it was, "Ah! Oh, my God! Why?" Then, no.
That's clearly not helping.
[PHONE CHIRPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Who's that? - Just a friend.
Eric.
Hm? - Eric! - Right.
Okay.
Uh, we need to get into his apartment so we can use his computer.
Darn.
I have to miss school again.
Let's do it.
Maybe we should tell your parents.
I don't do that anymore.
Oh.
[CRUNCHING, LICKING.]
Hey, Carl.
Hey, scrumptious.
How's it going? I'm in a fucking bad mood.
My four-year-old needs glasses and my wife can't handle it.
What do you people want? We want to come back at a later date and tell you what we want.
Right, honey? You're partnering with that development company on some new homes.
We should be the point people on that.
That development's on hold since Gary disappeared.
What does Gary have to do with it? The project needs a great salesman.
That guy could sell farts to an asshole.
Well, maybe you need to have your eyes checked because you have two great salesmen standing right here.
Although, they could also be standing right here.
Come on, Carl, are you gonna give up some awesome money making opportunity, like the giant baby you look like? Excuse me? What she means is, you have the skin of a young person along with childlike enthusiasm.
That explains it.
Fine.
That development is high-end.
There's a house on Linden Drive that is way pricier than the shitboxes you sell.
You bring me that listing, we'll talk.
Deal.
We'll get that listing and fuck it like we're on vacation.
What she means is, we're gonna get that listing.
[CLICKING.]
- [CREAKS.]
- [BOTH.]
Hello? Are you sure he lived alone? He sold vomit on the Internet.
I'm pretty sure there's not a Mrs.
Right.
- Let's delete the e-mails and get out.
- Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Are you okay? It was really scary.
Yeah, it must have been.
I mean, he followed me home.
He was in my kitchen.
I keep thinking about what could have happened.
Do you wanna talk about it? I am.
Right, right.
Go on.
It really freaked me out.
I had to sleep with my parents last night.
I'm sorry, Abby.
- I should have been there.
- No, no.
You were a hero.
Your serum saved my mom.
Besides, you're here now, so [FAINT CHIRPING.]
- [FAINT CHIRPING.]
- Sorry.
[RAPID CHIRPING.]
- Let me get that.
- Okay, who keeps texting you? It's just this girl I met at the Rite Aid last night.
- Ramona.
- Oh! Oh, I met her.
Anyway, we kind of hit it off, and she's been texting me to hang out, so Huh.
- Is that a good "huh" or a bad "huh"? - It's like a processing "huh".
Oh.
So, is that like a good processing "huh"? - We're breaking and entering right now.
- Right.
- [KEYS CLICKING, BEEPS.]
- [MONITOR BEEPING.]
Oh.
[BEEPING.]
Damn it.
I can't get into his computer.
He has a touch sensor.
We need his fingerprint.
How are we gonna get his fingerprint? - No.
- Yeah.
- Gross.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I'll get the key to my parents' storage unit.
My mom loves fingers, but she says thumbs are like the ends of bread, so maybe we'll get lucky.
And of course, the living room.
This house is gonna show really well.
The laundry room upstairs.
Brilliant.
Mm.
Lot of memories.
I raised two kids here.
Well, three if you count Rachel.
Why wouldn't we count Rachel? Let's not open the Rachel box.
Why we're not counting Rachel is your business.
- Well, there's Rachel.
- [TAPPING.]
[PANTING.]
You are my baby, you are my baby.
You're my bad baby.
You leave scratches on the front door.
You're always trying to run out of Mommy's house.
You know we can't let you go outside.
Never, never, never.
Why can't Rachel run outside? - Because she will not wear her socks.
- [WHIMPERS.]
Then her paws get dirty, and I can't put 'em in my mouth and I kiss her like this mwah, mwah, mwah Just leave it.
[LAUGHING.]
So, you think it's okay to deny Rachel what's natural and normal to her? You think you know what's best for my dog? Of course not.
Honey, maybe what feels natural to Rachel isn't what's best.
If she, Rachel, runs wild, untethered, sockless, she could get into all kinds of trouble.
She might even get caught doing something unusual in the desert and get arrested.
Tsk.
You just wanna be yourself.
- That's hard sometimes, isn't it? - [GASPS.]
She's kissing you.
Rachel never kisses strangers.
This is a good sign.
You know what else is a good sign? One in your yard with our faces on it saying "Just Sold.
" [LAUGHING.]
Let's talk about what kind of price we can get for this.
Ding-dong! Principal Residential.
Oh, shit.
We're early, I hope that's okay.
I'm Chris, she's Christa.
- Easy to remember, but if you forget - Check the tiramisu.
Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
Mmm! - What a douchey move.
- Yeah.
- We should do that.
- Yeah.
- Sheila, Joel.
How are you? - You all know each other? Of course we know the Hammonds.
Are you feeling better now? Poor Sheila vomited all over brand-new textured plush carpeting at a house they were showing.
Ooh.
They had to replace the flooring under the carpet.
That's not true, Chris.
That carpet was stain-resistant, you know that.
We've known Chris and Christa since high school.
Oh.
Chris is a few years older, but we graduated at the same time.
I'll let you do the math.
Because he couldn't.
[LAUGHING.]
Joel and I played football against each other.
Do you remember the championship game, sport? Chris once drove drunk.
Joel was quarterback for his team, it was the final play of the game.
Little guy drops back and throws a Hail Mary.
It was raining, the ball was wet.
That's important to know.
The ball went sideways and landed in the marching band and hit the bass drum.
Kaboom! They say if you put that drum up against your ear, - you can still hear Joel crying.
- Mm.
Listen, Becky, a lot of people are gonna wanna sell your house, but I promise you, we are the best damn realators in town.
They're actually the only "realators" in town, the rest of us pronounce it "realtors".
Yeah, it's "realtors".
That's what she said, "realators".
Wait, I heard the difference.
But you know, it doesn't matter.
Both ways are correct.
That's not true.
One way is correct and the other is profoundly ignorant.
No, Joel's right.
You can say "realator" or "realator".
Becky, show us the kitchen and I'll slice everyone a piece of tiramisu.
Unless you pronounce it "tira-a-misu.
" - [LAUGHS.]
- That's funny.
Chris flipped his dad's car.
It was in the papers.
Listen, bitch.
You keep talking shit about us, and I swear to God I will drop you.
Try it and I'll kick your twat so far up your throat you'll get pregnant giving blowjobs.
Whoa! [DOOR CLOSES.]
I hate them.
- I hate how tall he still is.
- Oh, we are screwed.
No.
Becky said she's not deciding till tomorrow.
We have to win this.
We have to crush them.
- I wanna make it hurt.
- Mm.
- What? - I like competitive Joel.
It's hot.
Better than you wanting to putter around the house.
Fuck puttering! Fuck Chris and Christa! Fuck tiramisu.
Hey, as long as you're fucking everything [BOTH GASP, MOAN.]
[SIGHS.]
If we did that more often, you wouldn't have to chase rabbits.
I don't think you realize the kind of energy I have now.
I don't wanna break you.
What are we gonna do about Chris and Christa? We could kill them.
We can't solve all our problems with murder.
- How about just this problem? - No.
We're not killing them.
Right.
We could kill one of them.
That'd be a tough call, they're both such dicks.
No, we have to do something that doesn't involve murder.
Hmm.
[SIGHS.]
Boy, if you take killing off the table, we really don't have a lot of moves.
No, we really don't.
What about kidnapping? Why don't governments do more to stop that? Oh, hi, honey.
We were just discussing international affairs.
Last night I saw you swallow a man's tongue like an oyster.
Don't you think it's ridiculous for us to keep lying to each other? You're right.
I'm sorry.
How was school? It was good.
Did you see Eric? How's he doing after last night? While he was at Rite Aid picking up cleaning supplies, the oddly insightful girl who works there asked him out.
I think he's doing okay.
Eric's dating the Rite Aid girl? Good for him, huh? Yeah, I guess.
I mean, he's giggling a lot now, so, that's new.
You know, it's hard to share your best friend.
You just have to think about what makes Eric happy.
Oh, Mom.
No.
No, no, no.
I don't need life advice from people who were plotting a kidnapping.
We were brainstorming.
If the Wright brothers had you as a daughter, we'd have never conquered the sky.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- I thought you gave her good advice.
Put other people's needs above her own.
We should all do that.
We should all do that.
Are you talking about what happened in the bedroom? - Because I did my level best.
- No.
We became so preoccupied with Chris and Christa, we lost sight of the client.
We need to get back to what's important to her.
Don't worry about the bedroom.
I know how hard I work you up there.
It's not work, honey.
But I could use more water breaks.
Should I carve it into a swan or a dolphin? Wait.
I don't think you should have to do this, unless chiseling this block of creep will help you feel better.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
I worked a snow cone cart one summer, so [TAPPING.]
Hey, you should go out with Ramona.
I don't wanna be the girl who holds a friend back because they have a three-percent chance of winding up together.
And I like her.
I want you to be happy.
- Did you say a three-percent chance? - Really? That's all you heard? No, I also heard you want me to be happy.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [TAPPING.]
- Ooh, there.
- Where? - I think that's a thumb.
- [TAPPING.]
- [CRACKLING.]
- It's stuck to his nose.
- Should I pull it apart? - No.
We might lose the thumbprint.
- What do we do? - So, defrost? - I guess.
- "Poultry" or "leftovers"? - I know it's not popcorn.
Anybody could get you a good price for this house.
So let's talk about what's really important to you.
There is a lot of love in this home.
We noticed that in the pencil marks in Kyle's room that tracked his height all those years.
And in the jungle mural you painted for Maggie in her room.
We wanna find another family that will fill this home with memories, and we promise we'll do that, if you do us the honor of making us your realators.
- Realtors.
- Both are correct.
That's lovely.
[BOTH GASP.]
I was going to wait until tomorrow to decide, but Ding-dong! Unbelievable.
You can't waltz into people's homes 'cause you say, "Ding-dong.
" So sorry to interrupt, but we just got some great news.
We sold Johnny Depp's manager's house for above asking.
And he agreed that you can come to set and meet Johnny, who is in LA right now making a movie.
Oh, my God.
- This is unreal.
- We thought you'd like that.
We noticed half your DVDs were Johnny Depp movies.
While we were staring at Maggie's racist jungle mural.
Is there any more of that "tira-a-misu" left? Of course.
None for you.
- [RACHEL WHINES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Where are you going? We've been talking about doing what's best for people.
I haven't done that for you.
You need to run free, chase things.
That's really sweet, but that's what you're thinking about now? Yes, because you need to run and chase things.
- Now.
- [WHINES.]
- Oh, no! - [BECKY.]
What? I was gathering our stuff up.
I noticed Chris left the door open, and Rachel got out.
[WAILS.]
No! I'm on it.
[GRUNTS.]
Finally, a worthy adversary.
[BARKS.]
You may be faster than me, but I never tire.
Just ask my husband.
I hope we didn't overcook it.
It's really puckered.
Like it fell asleep in a bathtub.
[BEEPS.]
[CHIRPING, BEEPING.]
- It worked! - Oh, thank God.
[PHONE CHIRPING.]
Okay, that is the 20th text from Ramona.
Are you gonna ask her out, or what? One day.
Right now, I'm living the fantasy of what might be, rather than the inevitable reality of me blowing it.
- And - [KEYBOARD CLICKS.]
There.
Done.
- We don't have to go to jail.
- Yes! Let's get out of here.
- [RATTLING.]
- Shit.
Someone's coming.
[RATTLING.]
We're going to jail.
Whoa! Who are you? Who are you? We're friends of Goran.
So are we.
Why are you wearing gloves? Why are you wearing gloves? We're teen hand models.
And we have to protect our assets from sun damage.
- Right, Charlotte? - That's right Hank.
- Yep.
- And you? We're wearing gloves because we're janitors on our way to our janitor jobs.
Yeah.
And we hate changing there.
Well, we're off to a photo shoot with a watch company, and as I'm sure you can imagine, they are very punctual.
[ERIC.]
Yes.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Were they here for the bile? - You heard everything I heard, Marsha.
- You think they're with us? Hmm.
Well, based on my having the identical information you have, I don't know.
- Who were those guys? - You heard everything I heard, Eric.
Why are we at the Rite Aid? 'Cause Ramona's in there.
And you're gonna ask her out.
- Now? - Yeah.
She obviously wants to see you.
Just ask her to lunch or something.
- What's the worst that could happen? - [GASPS.]
You're right.
You only live once.
- Go on, get outta here.
- Okay.
You know, I'll always be there for you.
Don't forget, you have a defrosted thumb in your pocket.
Right.
Whew.
Okay.
If anything happens to that dog.
There's no way I left the door open.
I recall you also denied flipping your dad's car.
Look.
You got her.
- Oh, thank you! Thank you! - No problem.
We're "realators", ma'am.
And we have the extra syllable because we go the extra mile.
You are such a naughty girl, Rachel.
Look how dirty you are.
I'm gonna get you a wet towel and your robe.
I'll take her.
- [BARKS.]
- No, thank you.
Joel? Oh, yeah.
[RACHEL WHIMPERS.]
You screwed us, didn't you, half-pint? "Half-pint?" Dude, I'm 6'1".
And I'm 6'4", which makes me three inches taller than you.
Not tall enough to block my Hail Mary.
[WHISTLES.]
Booh! Ah! Ah! Ah! [MIMICS CHEERING.]
Whoo, whoo, whoo! - Whoop! - Don't spike the dog.
We got it.
We got the listing.
That's the client's signature there.
Who are you building homes with now, huh? Us.
Bam! Good job.
I had zero faith in you two.
But now, seeing this, I have the tiniest amount.
Careful.
We'll get cocky.
Well, get familiar with the site map.
I'll call the geologists and get them out there as soon as possible.
Congratulations, I guess.
Bring it in.
Mama wants to hold the baby.
You cut that "baby" shit out right now.
You got it.
Shall we look at our future? I guess we're really doing this.
[SIGHS.]
- Look at it.
- Yeah.
Is that where we buried Gary? Yeah.
[COYOTE HOWLS.]
- Are we bad people? - I don't think so.
A thousand square miles of desert and they're building right where we buried your first kill.
Maybe we're being punished.
Or maybe someone just has low blood sugar and should have stopped for tacos - like I suggested.
- This isn't low blood sugar.
We do a lot of things that aren't so great.
We won the listing in an underhanded way.
We lie to our neighbors.
And, of course, kill people.
We only kill bad people.
Our neighbors like us.
And I thought the way we got the listing was clever.
I don't think we're bad.
Maybe we're just bold.
[MAN.]
Yeah, you guys are fantastic.
Holy shit! Gary? What did you do to me? [COYOTE HOWLS.]