Scrubs s02e02 Episode Script

There.
Just a tiny splinter.
It's funny.
I can't stop thinking about Aesop's Fables.
You know the one where the lion's always hassling the little mouse? Then the mouse pulls a thorn from his paw? Right, and the lion kills him anyway.
Yeah.
- No, he doesn't.
- Trust me.
- Sandy, let's start work.
- Sandy isn't necessarily a girl's name.
- Short for Sandra.
- Clear.
Hello, Perry.
- Oh, God, the ex-wife.
- Jordan.
What a coincidence! You were in my dream.
I can't say for certain, but I was having the flesh torn from my bones by a cross-eyed water snake.
- You, right? - Yes.
Yeah.
Let's play a game.
I'll throw out an adjective describing how one of you is in bed, and you guess who it is.
Remember, I had no idea she was your ex.
- OK.
Clumsy.
- Don't answer that.
No worries.
Goodbye, Jordan.
Sandy.
- Good job, DJ.
- You know, it's JD.
At least I remember the names of all my sexual partners.
I'm sure that girl from high school and your bunkmate from Camp Morning Wood are both extremely grateful.
Yeah.
Camp Meadow Wood.
I made a lanyard.
It sounds insensitive, but hospitals can be boring.
If a policeman gets into an accident with a bad guy he's chasing, it pumps you up.
OK, move it along, fellas, there's nothing to see here.
I'll be over here.
Officer Berson, shortness of breath and chest pain.
Think anyone else gets this excited over a car accident? Maybe Hank.
We weren't the only ones psyched to be in the game.
The doctor is in.
Bad guy, this is why you don't run from the police.
Baby, are you ready to rock? Right.
Another cocky resident that wants to start surgery before the attending shows up.
I just figured that if we finished here quick enough, we might have time to pull the stick out of your ass.
What do you say? - Perry! - Beelze-Bob.
- Lackey! - Hey, Dr Cox.
I'm being honoured tonight by the board of trustees.
- They asked me to say a few words.
- Yawn.
Anyway, I'd like you to be the one who introduces me.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Not interested.
- I didn't ask if you were interested.
I deeply dislike you.
It keeps me up at night.
Then use that passion.
Put that rage on the page.
Here's an idea.
Why not use Big Chief Flop Sweat here? Ted's not an impressive man.
- Hey, that He's right.
- You're OK.
You have a slight arrhythmia, so Dr Dorian and I will monitor you closely.
But don't worry.
We're on top of it.
There's nothing like that feeling of taking charge of a situation.
Mary, Rhoda, chart, please.
What, I stutter? Give me the chart.
Attagirl.
Oh, man.
I don't like his O2 cells.
Get me a doughnut, will you? You mean like a a blood pressure thingy? I mean a glazed thingy.
And I like sprinkles on half of it.
If you can't find a half-sprinkle, get all-sprinkles and pick half of 'em off.
You know, that was kind of demeaning.
You're right.
Would you apologise to her while you get me some coffee? And be quick or I'll have the manager send over a different waitress.
Go.
You're done now.
Yeah.
The frustrating thing was down in OR, Turk was probably running the show.
Steady, Dr Turk, only about two more hours.
Can you just scratch my nose, please? No, I can scratch my nose.
Oh, that feels good.
Miss Sullivan, I want to thank you and the rest of the board for this award.
The fact your first choice passed away last week, in no way makes it any less special.
Are you sure? Cos it seems like it does.
Bob, as far as the intro thing goes, I've given it a great deal of thought, but I'm afraid I'm gonna politely have to tell you to blow it out your ass.
I think we both understand how this works.
It's like when my dog Baxter goes winkle on the carpet.
He always heads straight away from the tool shed, but we both know that's where he's gonna spend the night.
- Charming story.
- Yeah.
The fact is I make it a rule never to get in bed with people that I have nothing but contempt for.
- That feels good, JD.
- What? - You'll now pay for that.
- God, I hope so.
We're residents now.
We're supposed to have more responsibility.
I scratched my nose with Bad Guy's toe.
Accept the fact we're the most underappreciated people here.
- Bambi, I really feel for you.
- Thank you.
She doesn't.
I spend my time getting orders barked at me by people who take credit for my work and blame me for their mistakes.
And I'm expected to hold the doctor's hand.
You should try trading places with me for one day.
It's actually not that bad.
And the lace feels soft against my package.
Nah.
I'm glad we finally had a chance to talk.
You and me both.
I haven't had anyone to talk to lately.
- Well, OK.
- But, boy, you sure talk fast.
Bye-bye.
Next time we talk, maybe I could finish a sentence or two.
You still like her.
Why? Because we had a conversation in an empty room? That room's not empty.
Listen, girlfriend, I don't want to hear your misguided romantic notions.
Cos you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball.
Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat, - and hope you don't get hit in the eye.
- I know you care about her.
In fact, I bet that after you two are done playing racquetball or talking or whatever you crazy kids are calling it, you'd like nothing better than to just lie there and watch her sleep.
It's impossible to actually lie next to Jordan seeing as she sleeps hanging upside down from the ceiling wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings.
That's nice.
I thought about what you said and you're right, I owe you.
So I got you a date tonight.
- Who? - Tim.
- I'm not gay.
- What? Oh, OK, I get it.
Neither's Tim.
Unfortunately, I'm on call tonight.
As weird as this place is during the day, it's even worse at night.
That's when all the weirdos come out.
Like the ER doctor who likes to work nights cos he says he 's up anyway.
Hey, bro'.
Or the nurse who everyone agrees is just a little bit off.
Or if there 's a full moon Hey.
This is my band.
We all work in different departments in the hospital.
You told me last time we - Legal - Accounting Shipping and receiving On-site property management, including pest control Night-time security, non-arboreal gardening services And tenant-related easements and liens - You got promoted.
- It's about time He's been busting his hump around here for six years Dr Kelso lets us practise here at night.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Cartoon theme songs.
No, no, no.
That was lame.
We do prime-time now.
What attendings are stuck here on call tonight? - Everyone's at that Kelso thing.
- I think Dr Cox is on.
He went home, but said that Carol could cover for him.
Is Carol the one with the really firm butt? Well, I'm Carol, so yes.
It's disturbing how obsessed you are with your butt.
You're missing the point.
No one is here tonight but us.
- We are running this hospital.
- This is our house.
- We're in charge.
- I love my butt.
It's amazing how, one moment, you think you know exactly what you want.
Oh, God.
Come on.
The next moment everyhing changes.
OK, Elliot, the ER doctor knows there's no attending up here so instead of treating he's admitting everyone.
You've got 1 2 so far.
Turk, oncology, cardiology and paediatrics all need consults.
That phone's for you.
It's the clinic.
They know you're on your own so they're patching all night-calls through.
And Bambi, room 201 needs an art line, room 202 needs reintubation, plus, Carol, you're needed in lCU to place a femoral swan under fluro on Mr Freed.
Never actually done one of these unsupervised before.
You'll be fine.
That's when I realised, tonight we really were alone.
Running the hospital.
Luckily, someone had the guts to take charge.
You've all been on call before.
So you don't have a safety net.
Most of the time you don't need one anyway, right? Fine, I'll tell your patients they're on their own because you're too scared.
No, Carla, I'm a doctor.
I should tell them.
Come on, peeps, let's go kick some sick patient ass.
That, my friends, is one nerdy honky.
That's two.
- My back hurts.
- Oh, yeah? Well, my front hurts, so touché.
Always a charmer.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm gonna go and get you a big ice-cold glass of water.
What do you think of that? Oh, sweet mother of mercy, Carla, you were right, you were so right.
- What am I supposed to do now? - Duck.
Who paged me cos a patient thinks their tongue is too spongy? Who? Under no circumstances tell any of them that I'm here.
Yeah, look.
Just go home and tell Jordan how you feel.
- Tell a woman how I feel? - Well, I guess you could Duck.
This is ridiculous.
He admitted him to cardiology because he has heartburn.
- I hate ER docs.
- You don't understand my relationship.
Duck.
Now that's just not funny.
I don't know why I was scared of placing a femoral swan.
I guess I couldn't stop wishing there was someone over my shoulder.
I was even starting to see things.
OK, Mr Freed, I think I can do this.
I'm gonna need a C-arm in here.
- Want me to knock him out? - What are you doing in here? Helping you out.
This isn't like being a janitor.
It's not something everybody can do.
Oh, so you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours? Yes! OK, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain off a tiled floor? I don't know.
The rough side of a sponge? Damn it.
Officer Berson's spiralling a bit.
Pulmonary edema seems secondary to acute mitral regurgitation.
If it is a flail leaflet, he'll need surgery.
His vitals are so weak, I wouldn't be confident taking him to the OR.
The classic Catch-22 between medical and surgical.
Somebody needs to be decisive.
- OK, here's the plan.
We do nothing.
- Sounds good.
- I'm in.
- That's inspiring.
Meet in a few hours to see if his vitals have improved.
Yeah, this ends now.
Turk should've known that the worst mistake a doctor can make is setting foot in the hospital's free clinic, at night.
I don't care if you shave down there.
That's not a medical issue.
But it sure is pretty.
Ma'am, you don't have mono.
But you do have halitosis.
Mint? Ma'am, three baby Tylenol is actually an underdose for a woman your size.
Yes, congratulations, you are double-jointed.
You can see we don't have any more beds and we can't handle any more patients.
OK, you talk way too fast.
If you could just keep one person downstairs, we'd throw a parade for you.
She needs you to give her a break.
Oh, well, tell her we're really swamped.
- She can understand you.
- Yeah.
Well, then, understand this.
Chill out, bitty.
Didn't you go to get water, like, an hour ago? More or less.
Jordan, there's something I really want to say to you.
Say it while I'm drinking water.
Because I'm dying of thirst.
I like you again.
There.
You win.
You can do your victory dance or slaughter a goat, or whatever it is you do when you're happy.
You don't like me.
- I watch you sleep.
- That gives me the heebie-jeebies.
I can't stop thinking about putting up with you.
Look, this is pointless, angry, shallow sex.
Why would you go and ruin something like that? I'm real sorry, but that's not enough for me anymore.
Sweetie, I have feelings for you too, but, unlike you, I have some balls, so you don't hear me whining about it.
Look, Perry, I can't let you back into my life, and watch you personally and professionally sabotage every single chance that you get.
It's too hard.
I can't do it.
But I have changed.
I have.
I see a shrink now.
I actually see two, to tell you the truth.
Good God, what do you want me to do to prove that I'm not that guy anymore? There you are.
Had to make me sweat, didn't you? Good for you, buckaroo.
I took the liberty of writing out my introduction.
"Bob Kelso is the love of my life.
" My wife was going to do it.
She doesn't even seem to be here.
What are you gonna do? Lovely.
You rang? Lurch.
My stethoscope is stuck up there and I need you to get it down for me.
- You put it up there.
- That's really neither here nor there.
- Fine.
Right.
We're even.
- Oh, thank God.
You could've just asked me to stop hassling you for a year.
- OK, I want that, then.
- It's too late.
But I use those for listening.
They want you upstairs in room 208.
His vitals are the same.
There's got to be one attending in this hospital.
- You guys are unbelievable.
- Thank you, baby.
- Not the good kind.
- I know.
You claim you want more responsibility, but you're being outsmarted by a doctor with scrubs made of hemp.
You're afraid to stand up to a volunteer who's answering the phones.
And did you ever place that femoral swan? It's on my to-do list.
I know you were hoping Officer Berson's vitals would go up or down and this decision would be made for you, but nothing's changed.
So it's on you.
We all knew what we had to do.
Surgery.
Sometimes just making a decision is half the battle.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the T echnology.
We can make him better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
Your shinunununununs could be louder.
You guys were fine.
Good evening, everybody.
Bob Kelso is In moments of truth, we always reveal who we really are.
Bob Kelso is an awful, awful man.
I'm not joking.
He's the devil.
What's wrong with you people? This is Great stuff, Perry, great stuff.
Is this guy a hoot or what? - I'll get your ass for this.
- Jordan.
Thank you.
Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.
And sometimes we rise to the occasion.
Everything went really well.
Even though we know that tomorrow morning, the three of us will go back to being the most unappreciated people in the whole damn hospital.
What you doing here? I thought you were off last night.
I switched shifts to help some friends.
Have a good one.
Guys, wait up.
Shut the hell up, Ted, it's morning.