Second Jen (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 You remember that guy Marcus we met at Karen's wedding shower? The one who looks like a never-aging prince in an enchanted painting? Yes! He wants to hang out as, like, just friends.
Isn't that cool? If cool has meant emotionally awkward all these years, then, yes.
Well, I think it is very cool.
What are we watching? I don't know, but a lawyer just rode a horse onto a yacht, so I'm gonna say Matlock reboot.
Well, Marcus isn't coming over 'til later.
- Let's do a matinee.
- I don't know.
Come on.
It'll get us out of the apartment and, we can play fantasy Asian reboot.
We haven't played that in ages.
Well, shake off the rust, my friend, because you are about to reboot the Godfather with an entirely Asian cast.
Go.
Michael Corleone: Steven Yeun, Sonny Corleone: John Cho.
Vito Corleone don't get weird Michelle Yeoh.
Love it.
I was gonna say Tilda Swinton for Asian Vito Corleone.
Jen, Tilda Swinton's not Asian.
What? Well, then, somebody better tell Hollywood.
Oh! Yeah! Though, I did think she was a little bit Asian.
She could be.
Actually, maybe she is.
If I fantasy Asian rebooted that movie, Steven Chow would play Nick Cage, and Mo, wait.
Our door was wide open.
Hey, yeah, wasn't it closed when we left? Yeah, and locked 'cause I'ma straight A student of life.
Oh my God.
We got robbed! Okay, this is creepy.
Someone was here.
Someone went through our stuff.
Someone touched our things.
Someone left dirty dishes on the coffee table.
Okay, those are yours.
I asked you to clean them up a week ago.
Had to try.
(whispers) What if someone's still here? Arm yourself.
Wait, why do we have these? We don't play these sports.
Don't look a gift horse in the butt.
- Ha! - Ha! Hey! My university diploma.
I thought I lost that.
Ha! Hey, my jazz recorder.
I thought I'd lost this.
I wonder how it got in the fridge.
Yes, I also wonder.
(recorder) I feel so accomplished holding this.
I think I might start carrying it around, like, at parties and stuff.
Well, I feel like I can't touch anything.
It's like I'm walking around a crime scene.
Mo, we were supposed to call the police.
No! Then I'll have to remember all the "don'ts" my mom taught me for when dealing with the law.
Don't stand out too much.
Don't speak to catalogue.
Don't get too tanned.
Hi, how are you? That's great.
Actually, I do.
We were robbed! Corner of Manning and Robinson.
Will do.
'Kay, thanks, bye.
All right, they're sending someone over.
We're supposed to write down everything that was taken.
Number one, my innocence.
Oh, Blake Rupert took your innocence in grade 10 behind the portable for remedial students (gasps) Which he was.
Just look for what's missing.
Our Moonlight DVD was not taken, but La La Land was.
This may be a hate crime.
Mo, look! Our change jar's gone.
No! We shouldn't have so clearly labeled it.
I've had that change jar since grad school.
There's probably hundreds of dollars in there.
It was mostly loons and twoons.
I refuse to carry them around, too jangly.
Everywhere I go I sound like Christmas.
(thuds) We also do not play these sports.
The Lord works in furious ways.
- Ha! - Ah! You know, threatening an officer with a sporting good can get you 10 to 12, right? We do now.
Do you guys always answer the door like that? You came in real hot.
You guys love these fidgie spinnies, huh? My son loves these.
He lives with his mom.
Oh, Death Blow.
Bought my kid this for his birthday.
Miss that little guy every day.
Ah, should we be filling out a report or something? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I should have that.
Ah Just, yeah.
Ah just, thanks.
Oh, okay, here in my pocket.
Yeah, let me just check that out, 'Kay.
Let's see, no forced entry.
No real damage.
Looks like you guys were pretty lucky.
I don't see what's lucky about not being able to eat or sleep, or connect with loved ones the same way.
That guy didn't just break in, he broke us.
Hold up.
We keep referring to the thief as a man.
Oh my God, you're right.
There's no excuse for gender bias.
Thank you for keeping me real.
I'm still here.
I have a theory.
The perp used one of those James Bond thingies to get in the front door, then sat on the couch to catch their perp-y breath.
Then the perp did what a perp does best: rubbed their butt on stuff.
What is a James Bond thing? Probably rubbed their butt on the table, the couch, the fridge, specific food items Then perp'd out the front door like a real perp.
Wow, you love using the word perp.
I've never really had an opportunity to use it before, so I'm definitely gonna go with this.
Let's talk motive.
Good idea.
First, I'm gonna grab that back real quick.
You shouldn't have that.
They just gave that back to me.
These are all the people I've wronged in the past 24 hours.
Wow! What did you do to the lovely elderly lady who lives next door? It's what I didn't do.
Okay, what was actually taken? Aside from our belief in humanity? Yes.
Our change jar.
And our La La Land DVD! A jar of change and a DVD.
Hey, that jar of change may have contained hundreds of dollars.
It was mostly loons and twoons.
Yeah, and as women of colour, we really don't want people to know that we own La La Land.
Okay! Yeah, this is Officer Corn reporting on that 10-37.
Turns out it was nothing.
- Nothing! - Nothing! The criminal who was in our home is out in the streets roaming free.
- What if he comes back? - Jen! Sorry.
What if he or she comes back? Jen, gender is fluid.
It's the river that runs through us all.
Thank you.
What if they come back? What if they did weird sex stuff inside the apartment? Nobody did weird sex stuff in your apartment? Oh, yeah? Smell the air.
(sniffs) Smell it! Smells like weird sex stuff to me.
- No, it doesn't.
- Smell this.
Give it a smell.
Smell it.
I'm not gonna smell that.
I'm not.
Take a whiff; that's eau de weird sex stuff, pal.
Not gonna take a whiff, okay.
Watch.
This is Officer Corn, can you tell me, does weird sex stuff have a smell? Radio: Copy that.
Yeah, MacKeigan says it does.
Says it's like a damp sandalwood.
(sniffs) Oh, no.
(sniffs) You know, I bet that cop would've treated us differently if we weren't two women of colour.
Yeah, 'cause if we were two white women, our Uggs would've been stolen and our Keurig, and the large rubies we use as paper weights.
My dad bought my mom a Keurig for Christmas twice.
And, if we were two dudes, we would be chugging brewskies with him right no, swapping stories about who's been physically closer to Wayne Gretzky.
Men have it so easy.
Ooh, not men of colour.
Thank you for keeping me real.
This just gets me ticked right off, you know.
Oh! There's just a 90-year-old woman aching to get out of your 24-year-old body.
(loud knocks) These sports keep getting weirder.
Beggars can't be losers.
- Ha! - Ah! Ah! Marcus? - Come on.
- I know; I'm early.
Sorry.
I was raised by a single dad who firmly believes that, when you arrive on time, you're already 5 minutes late.
Quick question: Why the terrifying balaclava? Well, it was real windy today and the right gust can really chap a cheek.
I have a 7-part skin regime.
Oh, well, it is working.
Ah, God, thanks.
(nervous laugh) Did Las Vegas have a party in your apartment? Dude, we were robbed and we thought you were the thief returning to the scene of their crime.
Being robbed sucks.
Is there anything I can do? No, we're fine.
Though, if we could reschedule that friend date? Bag of chips would be nice, any flavour, really.
I was really looking forward to our day of friendship.
Ketchup, dill pickle.
Flavour from a flavour contest like ravioli.
Oh, hey! I have a weird half-cousin who works for a security company.
Maybe I can get you guys a deal on an alarm system.
Oh, thank you so much.
We'd really appreciate that.
Very, very grateful.
I'm writing you a thank you card as soon as you leave.
(laughs) Mm.
(text chime) Oh, crap.
(sighs) Hi, Ma.
Jenny, look what mommy found while cleaning basement! Does Jenny want for her apartment? Ma, if you don't want it, no one does.
Why is Mo cleaning? Mo never cleans.
Actually, we got robbed! Robbed! Why? You have nothing of value.
What did Jenny do? Did you lock the door? Did you shut the window? Did you hide away nicest, most expensive things and only bring it out when company is coming? Ma, this is not our fault! From now on, Mommy will call twice a day to make sure Jenny is alive.
Oh, you don't need to do that.
And Mommy will visit much, much more.
'Kay, sending Daddy over to check on Jenny's life, and bring painting! Mm.
Well, my mom basically said we were asking to be robbed.
But we didn't do anything wrong.
We saw a Nick Cage movie; that is pretty wrong.
Mm.
How did someone get in? Teleportation, transmutation, crappy locks? Of course! Mo! We should have contacted the landlord directly after the cops.
Ah, you know there's no correct way to get robbed, right? Hi Hsu, It's Jennifer Wu here calling about the integrity of our locks seeing as we were robbed! And, our lease stipulates you provide us with, "basic security measures".
Wow, you just knew right where that was.
Also, last week, I left you a bunch of messages about the wall squirrels (squirrel squeaks) They sound like they might be in heat.
(message alert) Oh, this can't be good.
Hi, Nay.
Jen, Jen.
You have nothing of value? Well, remember, everything is part of God's plan.
Not everything is part of God's plan, Nay.
Yes, everything.
What about Limp Bizkit? Is Limp Bizkit part of God's plan? And sold as sex slaves? Did you just come from church? It's the Philippines! I'm always just coming from church! Okay, bye.
Cool cool, cool.
Your Mom told my Mom, who thinks it's a sex killer.
Mo, we haven't been using our greatest weapon.
I'll get my crossbow.
No, our minds! We need a plan so we know what to do in the statistically unlikely event of another home invasion.
Oh, I know exactly what I'd do.
First I'd Jiu-Jitsu over to them.
Then, I'd turn the perp into a tasty little perp in a blanket.
Then I'd give them a taste of their own perp-y medicine.
I think you're the perp in that scenario.
I'd get deep Show them we are not the enemy.
Find out what it is that they really need And show that we can actually give it to them.
Taking is not the answer when you still have so much to give.
You should play your jazz recorder.
Bet that'd scare them off.
People love a jazz recorder.
Oh my God, I know I do.
(screams) Son of a Bill Gates, Marcus! Again?! I mean, you are lovely to look at, but seriously, again? Sorry, I lost my bike helmet last week and I've been using this as a replacement ever since.
I just realized it is very, very scary.
Though, how did you get in? Oh, the door was unlocked.
Mo, seriously?! Marcus just strolled right in.
He could have killed us.
Oh, no! I couldn't kill anybody.
You know, back in grade 10 biology when they brought out the frog, I straight up wept.
It's a door, Jen.
If somebody wants to get in, they're just gonna bust it down.
Well, thank you for that terrifying truth.
Hey, you know what makes me feel safe, All your tight beautiful muscles? Bam! All right, so, turns out my weird half-cousin does not work at the security company anymore, but is in fact, gone off the grid.
That is what weird people do.
That, and Pilates.
Well, I'm It's a pretty epic fail on my part.
Though, I did get Apology chips.
Remorse is my favourite flavour.
Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't get you an alarm.
What? You kidding me? A bag of chips and a "Beware Dog" sign; you're a modern-day Sir Gawain.
Who? 14th century Middle English chivalrous fictional character.
Tight.
Honestly, thank you.
Well, what are just-friends for, right? So, do you want to friend hang another time? (shouts) Yes! Sorry That was a lot louder than I expected it to be.
Well, there's a really cool brew pub just north of here that does late 90s trivia on Thursdays.
Today's Thursday.
Right, and you just got robbed Not a good time to answer questions about Shakira.
(shouts) No, I would love to! Again, much louder than I thought.
Sorry.
But I would love to.
You know, these hips don't lie.
Okay, sweet.
Well, I'll swing by later.
(whispers) Sounds great.
What? Oh, I'm trying to learn from my volume mistakes.
(shouts) Sounds great! Ah Ha.
(laughs) Get my hips ready.
I can move, too.
(laughs) - Bye.
- Bye.
Unh! Ow.
Again, FYI, I don't put on three coats of mascara for my just-friends.
- (text chime) - (gasps) Ugh, not again.
Hi, Ma! You sure you don't want this for your apartment, since all your things were stolen.
Actually, we didn't lose any obviously haunted paintings because we don't own any obviously haunted paintings.
'Kay, Daddy will bring over when he checks on your life.
Ma, no! (screams) Jen, the plans! Nothing fills that emptiness but you.
Jiu-Jits Jiu-Jitsu, Jiu-Jitsu! Agh! Oh, my eyes, my eyes! Marcus! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Scream was a big movie in the late 90s and a lot of people wear the mask to trivia night.
Oh, yeah.
The killer's name was Ghost Face, but I always thought it would be scarier if his name was Ghost Knee.
I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? What can I do? Oh, no, no, no.
You've done enough.
I'm gonna go.
I'll see you guys later if I can regain my vision.
Marcus! Wait! We can reschedule! I love 90s trivia! (groans) (huffs) Jen, your cleaning is compulsive and out of control.
Yeah, well, none of us can really control anything, can we? I mean, you do everything right and things still go bad.
People break in; friends you have amazing sensual chemistry with go blind.
(laughs) Oh my God, I think I'm gonna have a panic attack.
(thuds) If that's Marcus again, I don't care how great the sensual tension is; I'm gonna murder kill him.
Ha! Hsu? I'm so glad to see you! Speaking of which, we really need a peephole for this door.
So, as you know, we were robbed.
- No.
- No? No, you weren't robbed.
I came down to handle the wall squirrels.
Nobody was here, so I let myself in.
I must have let the door open when I went to get my sonic machine.
It turns squirrels off.
Cool, I'm gonna use it on humans.
Okay, wait.
Why did you trash the place, then? Are you out of your mind? This is the way I found it.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a mess.
I still think we need new locks.
There's always hope.
What did he say? I don't know, but it sounded meaningful.
So, no new locks.
Hey, hold on.
Our lease says basic security measures.
Meet my little friend Basic security measures.
Oh, you gave us the sports thingies.
No, what about our La La Land DVD and our change jar? You're 16 days behind on your rent.
The money in the change jar equals my rent.
Your La La Land is somewhere in all of this.
Then it really is lost forever.
So, our change jar had enough money in it for rent? Oh! Yeah! (indistinct speaking) - Oh! Yeah! Oh! - Ah! I haven't felt genuinely scared since I was a kid.
We're two girls in the big city with a combined weight of 230 pounds.
- You're being very kind.
- Hey! Life's gonna get scary sometimes.
But when we thought a sex killer was on the loose, we had each other's backs.
Plus, now we have sports sticks.
So, yeah, we could live in fear, but I'd prefer to live in hope.
Maybe that's what Hsu was saying.
Probably not.
(thuds) Ha! (sighs) That's the scariest thing I've seen all day.
There's a ghost in this painting.
- I know.
- I hope she's not racist.
We can control the smart home monitoring system on our phones? Sorry, dude, I'm gonna have to prank you.
Makes me feel like we're living in space, or the future, or space in the future.
I wonder if we can program it to play Michael Jacksons 'Smooth Criminal' if someone breaks in? Okay, it's a security system, not a DJ taking requests.
You know, I still can't shake the feeling that a stranger was in here.
Me neither.
Do you smell damp sandalwood?