Sexify (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
DID YOU GET THE MONEY?
YES, THANK YOU! WE'RE ON IT!
Sexify is back!
[employees applaud, cheer]
[uptempo electronic music plays]
Yes, we did it!
[opening theme music plays]
[Monika in Polish]
If you're going to look at me
while I pleasure myself,
I want to look at you.
AN APP FOR GUYS
[pen clanks]
[tense music plays]
[in English] I just think men are simple.
[upbeat music plays]
I need a light bulb screwed in.
[clock ticking]
[metal clanks]
Hmm.
[music ends]
AN APP FOR MEN
[uptempo music resumes]
[cash register dings]
[music ends]
SEXI GROUP CHA
LET'S GET STARTED. FIRST STEP: ANY IDEAS?
Hello, Ms.
[distant cheering]
Welcome to Sexify.
Since you're here,
that means sex is a priority for you,
just like it is for us.
Welcome.
Hmm. That's a really good deepfake.
How can I help you, sir?
- I'm here for Ms. Monika Nowicka.
- Oh, let me get the door for you.
It's okay. I have my own card.
Oh!
[indistinct office chatter]
[exhales, inhales]
[inhaling, exhaling rapidly]
Want a sandwich?
Oh, thank you.
[woman] Coffee?
[phone rings]
- Coffee?
- [man] Yes, that would be lovely.
- Here you go.
- Mm.
- [woman] Juice, sir?
- Oh.
Thank you.
Do you know
where I can find Monika Nowicka?
[woman] Over there.
[yogis exhale deeply]
[yogis exhale deeply]
Who are you?
May I help you with something?
Yes.
All of these people
will have to be fired.
Well, you know I've got to tell you,
you've really chosen a daring dress
for this.
Well, yeah, but it's just
we're already past
the three-month honeymoon phase
and now it's gotten stale.
Well, the thing is, darling,
you haven't played your cards right.
Now your man is getting bored with you.
- Mm.
- You have to keep men at a distance.
Sometimes you have to be unavailable.
- Just don't pick up the phone, by mistake.
- [laughs]
[laughs]
You really are quite the guy whisperer.
[woman 1] A guy whisperer
in an eight-year relationship, darling.
- And the fire is still there.
- [woman 2 chuckles]
[phone chimes]
[woman 1 in Polish]
And the fire is still there.
MONIKA: LET'S GET STARTED.
FIRST STEP: ANY IDEAS?
PAULINA: OUR FIRST STEP IS ADAM!
Hmm.
[Adam] What I meant is What I meant is
Two hundred zlotys.
[Adam] What I meant is Is it
Is it true what they say about these?
Don't understand.
Well, I heard that..
Is this
What I mean I heard that
[exhales]
Is this Well
What I meant is
Does this
work as a
male aphrodisiac?
Aphrodisia?
Do you know if they work?
[upbeat music plays]
Do you think it works?
(I'M MAKING DINNER TODAY:)
[woman 1] And the fire is still there.
(I'M MAKING DINNER TODAY:)
I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE AVAILABLE
NATALIA: I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL BE AVAILABLE
I'VE GOT PLENTY TO DO TODAY
[woman 1]
Not have the time, sometimes, by mistake
Not have the time
I forgot about the shoot today.
This is the second photoshoot
this quarter.
Sorry, who is that?
Małgorzata's emissary
came here to watch us work.
Hi. Maks Oleksiak.
I'm here to work with you all.
I've already spoken with Monika,
so I guess you're Natalia.
Uh, Natalia, would you mind just, uh,
briefly telling me
what you do around here?
Mm. It's difficult to say.
Today,
my agenda involved cloud permissions
and Kubernetes auto-scaling.
[Maks] Mm.
I didn't understand a word, but
Mm that sounds great.
Ready for the shoot? Good morning.
Hello, uh, Maks Oleksiak.
So then, I guess you are Paulina.
Is that right?
That's right.
Do you have a moment before the shoot,
so you can talk to me, uh,
about what you do here at Sexify?
Mm-hmm. Uh, I'm responsible
for the graphic design
Mm-hmm.
Well, uh, learning how to do it.
[inhales sharply] Ah, right.
I saw the tuition invoices.
[sighs]
[Maks sighs] Hmm.
All right, the whole Sexify family! Smile!
[employees cheering]
- Super! Even bigger now!
- [camera shutter clicks]
Yes! Smile! Big smile!
- [employees] Sexify!
[photographer] This is your best day
at Sexify. You love it here.
[all] Sexify!
Um, are you part of the family too?
I suppose you could say that. Yes.
- [camera shutter clicks]
- [indistinct chatter]
All right, just stop! Two-minute break.
Stop. Enough. Sorry.
- [photographer] Let's keep going. Super.
- [employees cheer]
Listen up, I'll go deal with that gnome,
and you work on the app.
Did you figure out the first step?
Yes. I've created
a questionnaire for Adam.
Um, what he likes,
what he'd improve in his sex life.
Super.
It doesn't make sense.
To create an algorithm,
we need a large test group
that we can ask those questions to.
Um, all right. Do you know where
we could find a lot of guys right away?
Hmm?
I might have an idea.
All right, men. Let's do this!
[whistling military hymn plays]
I will never understand this.
What's that?
Computer simulations proved a while ago
that the optimal strategy for survival
is cooperation. The military is a relic.
I don't know.
Certain old things have their charm,
you know?
- And speaking of old things
- Hello.
Mariusz will be shocked
when he gets a look at the new Paulina.
Knock it off, that's silly.
[guns fire]
I-F-Y.
WOMAN
Sexify.
[Natalia] Woman Magazine wrote
that we're a stepping stone
to destroy the toxic patriarchy
and toxic masculinity as well.
To sum it up.
Sir, can we count on your cooperation?
To sum it up, no.
What? Why not?
Listen up ladies,
we are in the army.
- [soldiers chanting]
- [guns fire]
- And you want to ask my subordinates
- About their sex life.
Sex, sex, sex.
It's all the talk.
And the boys are going cuckoo over it.
Do you ladies know
what the pilots of our allied troops did
- with Super Hornet fighters?
- [jet engines roar]
Hmm?
I don't think we do.
They drew penises,
big dicks
with the planes.
With trails of smoke
right there in the sky.
t's embarrassing for us. A disgrace.
And a discredit to the army.
This will lead to more of that.
Those apps of yours.
It seems to me
like you could be doing a lot worse things
with those Super Hornet fighters
than draw dicks in the sky.
so excuse me if I'm not upset.
If you men would occasionally let
someone else help you
and vent those frustrations you've got,
maybe those fighters
or this entire idiotic army,
your whole outdated institution
of the military
- wouldn't be necessary.
- [officer clears throat]
[whimsical music plays]
I think maybe
we should talk more about the article.
It's incredible
how many redundant positions you have.
[clears throat]
It's actually impressive in its own way.
Well thank you, Maks, for your feedback.
We'll look into it.
Please send an email to Marlena.
Oh, you need to fire her too.
Why don't you just let me decide
who should or shouldn't get fired, okay?
Unfortunately, I can't.
Unfortunately, I am the CEO.
[Maks sighs] That's true,
but it doesn't mean much
without Małgorzata's money.
All right, listen man,
I can't just fire them today.
The photoshoot.
All right, I understand.
I'll do it.
No way.
This is my company.
Mine!
[inhales, exhales]
You know, it's silly, but
[exhales]
whenever I get asked
to come into the bosses office,
I feel like [exhales]
I'm always scared I'll get fired.
Really? Every time?
[barista]
Um, I saw a statistic once and it said
that 80% of things we are afraid of
they won't actually happen. [chuckles]
[Maks] Hmm.
- That's very interesting.
- Right. It sounds plausible, yes.
[barista chuckles, sighs]
If only I could
tell this brain that it should believe it.
[chuckles]
All right, then.
Tell me, what's this about?
So about that other 20%.
[tense music plays]
I'm sorry.
[sword clinks]
Unfortunately, I have to let you go.
- [sword clinks]
- I have to let you go.
[sword clinks]
We're letting you go.
[sword clinks]
[pen clicks]
[pen clicks]
[pen clicks]
[music ends]
Using the words "idiotic army"
was inappropriate.
Yes, definitely. We are impressed
by all of your efforts and sacrifice
Enough!
I want you to leave our base right now!
[soldier] Paulinka?
All right, at ease, everyone. You can go.
So? Would you be able to help?
Paulinka, I told you to call me "Dad."
[chuckles]
Right. Wouldn't that be a bit awkward now?
Oh, yeah. That's true.
I guess it's a little awkward.
Uh, right.
Where can I find Mariusz?
[sighs] Mariusz [grunts]
Well after all the stuff with you,
Paulinka, Mariusz decided he would
go and himself elsewhere.
Bringing it back to why we're here.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, uh, about our request.
You were really close, practically family.
- [bell dings]
- We almost were.
You almost were which is is still family.
So I think we can count on some support
in this situation, right?
Taking your past into consideration.
Hmm.
I won't do it. I refuse to work with him.
You've met Maks then.
[Monika] Yes.
You said that if we didn't go with you,
that business men would show up
and tell us what to do.
And we went with you.
And what happened?
A man arrives
and tells me I need to give my car back.
Maks is harmless.
And at this point, you need an advisor.
Well,
then you should find someone else for me.
Maks is my best man.
He is?
Are we talking about the same guy here?
All right. Listen, Monika.
I understand why you're angry.
But should I remind you where we started?
You've regained the ability to act,
so act now.
And let me help you.
I'm aware he can get
really irritating
with his love of procedures.
But he's got many merits.
He'll stay loyal.
So use his experience and his knowledge.
You can use him like a tool.
No emotions.
- [glass shatters]
- [waiter] Jesus Christ!
I think you know how to do that.
[clicks tongue]
So he made you start saving too?
The food here is delicious, Polish,
and most importantly comes quick.
One thing you should know about me,
I greatly value my time.
[soldiers laughing]
Okay, come on.
I'll put it all in.
[engine blades whirring]
[gun cocks]
How often is it that you have sex?
Often.
All right then.
And how often would you like to have sex?
Well, I'm hardly ever not having sex,
but more would be great.
Hi, girls.
- How many sexual partners have you had?
- I'd say 78.
Write it down.
Interesting. So many? Really?
- Including one Brazilian.
- Ready to storm the beach always.
It's really amazing when you think of it.
When you have sex,
does your partner always have an orgasm?
Always.
Every time.
Your penis, how large is it?
Tell you when to stop.
[upbeat music plays]
- [soldier] Stop.
- [slot machine jackpot chimes]
Do you ever
have any trouble getting an erection?
It stands at attention always.
And the other thing is, it's very thick.
Do you enjoy having sex each time?
- I sure do.
- You sure do.
I sure do.
Those chicks heard my stories
and got soaking wet.
[soldiers laugh]
Don't forget to bring your mop in!
[soldiers laughing, cheering]
Next one, please.
Uh, there's absolutely nothing to improve.
For me, sex is frequent.
It's long
and with a lot of different girls.
Uh-huh,
you want, um, what their names are?
Um It's, um, Magda. Definitely Magda.
Um.
Kaśka.
Aśka.
Those are real people.
[whimsical music plays]
- Is something wrong with the lubes?
- No, no. No. No. Everything's okay.
This one
our customers are very happy with.
I know that. [exhales]
[inhales] Kids.
They grow up so fast.
Knock it off.
[distant video game playing]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE DINNER
TO COME TO THE OFFICE?
Okay, Maciek, good of you to come over,
but you've gotta go.
It's your anniversary or something?
[scoffs]
You know, we can eat oysters whenever.
SORRY, WE'RE AT A MILITARY BASE,
I'LL TELL YOU LATER! I'LL BE BACK LATE!
I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.
Girlfriends make you all crazy.
That's why I don't have one.
[chuckles] Yeah, I'm sure that's why.
See ya.
[phone chimes]
NATALIA: I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.
Well, if sex is anything like war is,
we can feel safe with an army like that.
How are we supposed to help guys
who don't have any problems?
How does it square away
with your experience with Adam?
It's practically the same.
- Does Adam like Brazilians?
- What? I don't know.
I was just kidding.
Evening, ladies.
- [Paulina] Hi.
- Wanna take a ride through the woods?
[engine revving]
What? Don't you want to see the woods?
[soldiers laugh]
Relax. You're safe here.
- No, thank you.
- You'll loosen up. Come on.
Alcohol causes irreversible brain damage.
Yeah? I'll risk it.
[soldiers laughing]
[romantic music plays]
You want it, don't you?
[exhaling] Yes.
Well, I think so.
I have a cannon for you.
A very large cannon.
Thank you.
Well, uh, that's very nice of you.
No. I wouldn't say nice.
Okay.
It's very not nice.
So would you like to get demolished?
[tense music plays]
What? What do you mean?
Will you be my bitch?
Um, wait, no, um That's very not nice.
That's right. I'm not nice.
No, really. I mean, you are [chuckles]
not nice.
Me?
Mm-hmm.
I think it's lame.
Mega lame.
Every day.
[soldier inhales, exhales deeply]
Even two to three times.
Wow. That's a lot.
A whole lot of pornography.
Finding time for all those girls
must really be difficult.
What girls?
Well
the ones you mentioned during the study.
Those girls.
What do you want from me?
I couldn't [groans]
say there was hardly anyone.
And every morning I wake up,
act like I have it together,
and just try to make it to evening.
Well, if it really is that bad,
then I don't understand.
[soldier inhales, exhales]
I don't want to be in the army.
[soldier cries]
[upbeat music plays]
Are you happy now?
Very.
Sexify's chances for survival
just got higher.
- We're not done yet.
- What else?
Paulina.
Uh, do you want her number?
I'm afraid you're not her type.
Paulina has to be fired.
[chuckles]
There's no way in hell I'm firing her.
[Maks] Uh, yes,
I understand that she is your friend.
- You've got to be realistic about this.
- [scoffs]
We're paying for her tuition,
and honestly,
graphic design is the last thing
you need to worry about at Sexify.
She's redundant here, Monika. Sorry.
I'll think it over.
- Uh, do you need a ride?
- I don't.
We're going different directions.
Bye.
[gentle music plays]
[music ends]
Tell me if you'd like anything else.
No, it's fine.
Sure about that?
I'm sure.
Well, if that's the case,
then you'll have to pay for the champagne.
You told me it was on the house, right?
Well, that's not true anymore.
So, charge it to my room.
Then it will be on my house.
I changed my mind.
[chuckles]
I'll pay at reception.
[soldier 1]
Dude, I can't wait for my leave.
When I get to her place,
I'm gonna plow through her. I'm so horny.
[soldiers laugh]
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? MAYBE YOU'D LIKE
DINNER TO COME TO THE OFFICE?
I'M NOT AT THE OFFICE.
DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK.
[soldier 2 and 3] Whoa!
[soldier 4] Bodzio the Conqueror!
Get you wieners up! A lady is coming!
[soldier 5] King Bodzio!
[soldier 4] Step aside!
We have to talk right now.
They're all lying.
I don't know why they weren't honest.
I don't get why they would lie to us.
[Paulina exhales]
I just wanted to let you know
that I feel a lot better now.
Thanks for letting me talk it out.
Why don't you talk with the guys?
Maybe they'd also open up?
That would help us a lot.
Not a word to the guys!
You can't tell them anything!
Hot wiener coming up!
- You see? They're crazy.
- That means there's still hope.
For us, those guys, and the app.
We just need a different approach.
What are you thinking?
Like you did today.
Emotional reconnaissance.
Listen up, I need you to help me.
I need you to help me with a dating app.
[footsteps approaching]
- [door lock beeps]
- Monika?
[door opens]
Paulina's staying.
I found another way to save. My hotel.
That works. All right, super.
So, I live here.
You can get out.
[pen clicks]
[Maks grunts]
[Maks] See you tomorrow.
[door lock beeps]
[upbeat music plays]
Cezanne, Gauguin, Van Gogh,
Murakami, Hemingway, Ernest and Taco.
Is that really your bio?
Well, I've listed my favorite artists.
Paulina, I appreciate what you tried to do
but it makes no difference.
Why?
Well, we read bios.
Guys only look at photos though.
Give me a look that says,
"I'm the horniest chick
in a three-kilometer radius."
- Okay?
- Okay.
Nuh-uh! That's two.
I need three. I need three.
[camera shutter clicking]
What I'm looking for
is someone interesting,
extraordinary, and remarkable.
Nah Stop, stop, stop.
Say want someone normal.
For guys that's a really big compliment.
[whimsical music plays]
[exhales]
[keyboard clacking]
ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION REASONS
ATHEROSCLEROSIS, DIABETES, LIVER FAILURE
BRAIN TUMOR
Well, fuck.
CHECK IF YOU GET ERECTION AT ALL
Mm.
- Never was praised by my father ♪
- Never was praised by my father ♪
- My grandpa, he said why bother? ♪
- My grandpa, he said why bother? ♪
- My brother said only suckers whine ♪
- My brother said only suckers whine ♪
- He is no kin of mine ♪
- He is no kin of mine ♪
[panting]
[Monika in Polish] Oh, fuck!
[uptempo electronic dance music plays]
[in English] Don't stop.
[uptempo electronic dance music continues]
[uptempo electronic dance music ends]