Shoresy (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
(Shoresy): Thanks, Eddie.
(Laura): Thanks, Ed.
You're welcome. My pleasure.
You know, you could have
breakfast with me every day
- of the week if you wanted.
- I know.
So, you wanna talk
about the Yanks?
- I need a quote.
- Yeah, so--
You should look at people
when they're talkin' to you.
No, it's better this way.
Trust me.
- Why?
- 'Cause you're so fuckin' hot
I can't look at you
and focus at the same time.
- Uh-oh.
- Which sucks because
I just wanna let you in so bad.
You've really got
those walls up.
Look, I've made mistakes
in the past, okay?
I show myself to people
too quickly then I get hurt.
- Try, for me.
- All right, but you look
like that so don't be surprised
if I look like I wanna be
underneath ya.
- I'll try to conceal it.
- Oh, my God.
- I need a quote.
- You ever look at someone,
they look so good
you just wanna go, "No way!"
- No.
- You never had that?
You look at someone,
you just wanna go, "All right!"
- The Soo Hunt--
- Oh, I tell the boys,
the sexiest thing about ya
is your mind and
here I am breaking a sweat
'cause I can see your bra's
- a non-traditional colour.
- Yeah, what else
- do ya tell 'em?
- I just tell 'em how much
you challenge me and make me
curious with your ideas.
- Do ya?
- You know, I've never had
someone expand my horizons
like this.
I don't know what
do to with you, man.
Laura, it's taken me
a lifetime
- but I finally feel alive.
- I'm not gonna get
my quote, am I?
Gimme a shot, Mohr.
Text me something.
What do you really say about me?
- I'll never tell.
- I'm a journalist,
I'll keep asking.
You're smart, capable,
rational, dependable,
outgoing, kind, consistent,
you're a leader.
And you smell so fuckin' good.
Yeah?
Quote me.
(electronic music plays)
(Shoresy): Let's pump some blood
into those pipes here, boys!
Let's go now!
Let's do some Arnold press.
What's with the half reps?
Goblet squats, eh?
Ever try a goblet squat
hell set?
Let's do some power bombs!
Maybe if you did a couple more
calf raises
you'd win a foot race.
You ever try a Swiss ball
wall squat?
Let's do some renegade rows.
Cross body hammer curls, eh?
Come talk to me if you really
wanna fill those bis up
with blood.
I think you mean hypertrophy,
ya fuckin' idiot.
Maybe if you did a couple more
wrist curls you'd win
a face-off. Let's do
some skull crushers.
Let's do some widow makers.
Let's do some Zottman curls.
Bulgarian split squats, eh?
You ever try
a Bulgarian glute smash?
Put a sweater on, Fish!
Tight clothes at the gym's
for broads.
Let's do some wood chops.
Cable rope pushdowns, eh?
Come talk to me if you really
wanna fill those tris
up with blood.
Whadda ya think, drop sets?
Power rack's that way.
First one to leave, eh, Fish?
Maybe if ya did a couple
more supersets
you'd still be tuckin'
one a game.
Don't forget the cooldown here, boys.
Let's everybody cool down
here now.
Shoresy, Nat wants to see us.
Fer what?
(Nat): I dunno.
- Frankie?
- Yeah.
(Ziig and Shoresy): Huh?
That's embarrassing.
Don't shoot the messenger.
I don't like this, my guy.
It's not for you
to like, Sanguinet.
Fuckin' Frankie gets
his own calendar?
- Frankie is--
- Huh?
- Frankie is in demand.
- Stop yelling, dude.
- Who needs a calendar anymore?
- This is the north.
People have a shed,
people have a shop.
You all got jacked
so it just made sense.
- To what?
- To exploit you, slut.
I gotta--
I need a ride uptown.
- Why?
- Because if JJ Frito JJ
gets his own calendar,
I'm gonna throw myself
- in front of a bus.
- I'll drive.
Do we really need
another calendar?
If we wanna host the National
Senior Tournament
we need to show them 50K.
It's their way of ensuring
the tournament won't get
cancelled again due to
- lack of funding.
- How much do we have now?
- Twenty.
- We need Frankie focused
- on the Yanks.
- You're right, Shoresy.
We need everyone focused
on the final three games
if we want that record.
So, what are those sluts
doing right now? Focusing?
(electronic music plays)
(music stops)
I'll get 'em focused.
They'll need it
for the Soo Hunt.
We'll beat the Yanks!
Frankie has the most
goals in the NOSHO.
Frankie's on top of the world.
I'm not concerned
with his focus. Overly.
And we'll only need
them for the afternoon.
- So dumb!
- I've heard rumblings
about Frankie's following
post-calendar,
but is it really
like that big?
Why do you think we have
so many bums in seats?
'Cause we're on
a 21-game heater!
Uh these guys
aren't here for the W's.
What guys?
Do you know what a bear is?
- A bear?
- Yeah, do--
- Huh?
- What's a bear, Shoresy?
Fuckin' Yogi,
Paddington, and Pooh.
- The other kind.
- Gummy?
You don't know much about
the gay community, do you?
- Me?
- Oh, my God.
Why would I know anything
about the gay community?
Fuckin' honey dickin'
broads only.
- My guy.
- Fuckin' honey dickin'
- only broads.
- Same.
In the gay community,
a bear is a larger,
often hairier, man who projects
an image of rugged masculinity.
Why would she be talking
about gummy bears?
Frankie being a larger,
hairier man
has garnered the attention
of the Sudbury gay community
who are offering
a large sum of money
for a calendar
exclusively of Frankie.
- This can divide the room.
- No, it won't.
Hockey players
are competitive.
Fuckin' the entire team
strips down and greases up
and all gay dudes
want is Frankie?
Read it and weep.
What can the rest
of the boys do?
Could suck their
dicks, Shorey.
- (laughs)
- They only want Frankie.
I told ya this calendar'd
bite us in the ass, Nat.
Don't know what to tell ya, dude.
You just weren't sexy enough.
(Hitch): What's all this?
(Shoresy): We weren't
sexy enough.
(Goody): Settle down.
Well you're some crooked
aren't ya, b'y?
(speaking French)
- I was more talkin' to Hitch.
- B'ys he's right rotted, he is.
Like, Dolo, if anything,
I would have thought that you'd
be the one the gay guys wanted
from the calendar.
- True.
- My guy, is it really
that big a deal Frankie
gets his own calendar?
- Well, Sanger, look at him.
- Yeah.
- Now look at him.
- Settle down.
- Even him a little bit.
- Okay.
Now look at him.
Yeah.
Oh, it's just gays
were saying how gay you looked
- in the calendar, Frankie.
- Huh?
Ain't no one tell ya
how gay ya looked?
Let's let Frankie have
his day with the gays.
You ever been to Provincetown?
Well ya best come out
de other end of 'er.
San Fran's a dump.
(Pam): Nice band tee.
- I Mother Earth, eh, Hitch?
- Pamsky!
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- "Scenery and Fish"
might be the best Canadian
record of the genre, or the era.
No, it's Rusty, "Fluke".
Honourable mention,
Sloan, "One Chord to Another"?
Oh, so we're just gonna
stand here and then pretend
that "Jagged Little Pill"
never happened.
Pam, you wanna come over
some time, play some tunes?
I know what sluts
listen to, Hitch.
You know, I could let this
bother me but I'm not gonna.
- There you go, my man.
- 'Cause we gotta focus
on the Yanks.
Let's get focused in here, boys.
Everybody focusin'
in here now.
Let's get on the go!
Enough about the calendar,
boys, let's get focused!
Not one more word about it.
(Cory): That calendar's gonna
follow you around for the rest
of your life, you dumb fuck!
Where'd it all go
wrong, Shoresy?
Well, it's the good thing
about reffing
your beer league, boys,
at least I see
it can get much worse.
Yeah, did ya tuck your dick
back between your legs
- for that, too?
- Doesn't matter, Cory,
your mom will still find
a way to grab it.
Don't worry, bud.
Your spray tan mid-December
in Northern Ontario
didn't stand out at all.
- Glad to hear, Liam!
- Don't worry,
no one's calling
ya Jersey Shoresy.
Did it get weird at all,
havin' one of the boys
- grease you up?
- Nope.
No? Didn't think,
what have I been doing
with broads all these years?
This is terrific.
Well, it's only gay
if you get hard.
- Oh yeah?
- Isn't that what
you told me, Cor?
- What?
- Hey, didn't you tell me
if you keep your socks on,
it's not gay?
- Something like that?
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
(whistle toots)
Dogshit call.
- Fuck you.
- The Yanks are comin'
- for that record, Shoresy.
- Liam can you just hurry up
and finish this game?
Your mom's still waiting for me
to come back with a warm,
wet towel.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you, Liam!
Your mom carved her initials
into my bedframe.
How am I supposed to explain
that to Cory's mom?
- Fuck you, Shoresy!
- Fuck you, Cory!
Your mom's texts are so full
of spelling mistakes
I can barely figure out what
time she wants me to come over.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Liam, did you know your mom
calls her mitt her wet wallet?
- (Cory and Liam): Fuck you!
- Boys, just tell your moms
to leave me alone.
I'm not gettin'
matching tattoos with them.
Hope the Yanks fuckin'
toss you, Shoresy!
(Shoresy): Not worried
about the Yanks, boys.
I'm worried about
the Yanks, boys.
Nat, you're a wee bit up
my ass about the Yanks.
They've been right there
with us all year.
- They're big, they're fast.
- They battle.
- They love scoring goals.
- We're bigger. We're faster.
We're 3-0 against 'em.
Don't count
your chickens, slut.
They're skilled
but they're scrappy, too.
They get into those
dirty areas,
- they dig those pucks out.
- They muck it up.
They fucking
love scoring goals.
Sounds like one of 'em
might've given ya's
a good twattin'.
But it's not their skill
I'm worried about.
It's their will.
(whistle screeches)
Sure, the Euros are gonna
take it the odd time,
but the real battle
for hockey supremacy,
best versus best,
is between the Americans
and the Canadians.
The men's game,
the women's game,
kids.
Canada's the best
country at hockey.
But the Yanks are right there.
I think one of 'em
got Nat right in the twat.
Americans have to be
the best at everything.
- They're obsessed with it.
- And we're the only thing
standing in the way from them
being the best at this.
Which brings us to my point
of apprehension.
They wanna be the best
fuckin' bad.
First, they started
sending their kids
to hockey schools up here.
Get their players on our level.
Now the programs are just
as good down there. Some better.
(Shoresy): I oughta wash
your mouth out with soap!
(Nat): Shattuck, the National
Development Program,
Total Package Hockey.
The average American player
is just as good
as the average Canadian now.
- Some better.
- Well, Notre Dame
and Sasky made Wendel Clark.
They'll never make one
of him down south.
May never make one
of him again. Anywhere.
Ain't that sum'in.
I can't even say Wendel's
name without
gettin' a bit choked up.
- I've got a Kleenex.
- Use your tampon, Shoresy.
- Fuck you, Ziig! You fuckin'--
- There's pride on the line.
Yeah, you're fuckin'
right there is!
Our boys have focus issues.
Well, it's senior
whale shit hockey.
(both): Senior Triple A.
Kee-he-he-he!
The Soo Hunt will be coming
land, sea, and air.
I want that fuckin'
record, Nat!
If we lose it
with three games left--
- We'll never lose again.
- Good.
Yo, why are the Jims
always late?
(indistinct shouting)
What Manitoba town is famous
for guided polar bear tours?
(buzzer rings)
(Phil): Churchill.
What is the tallest
mountain in Canada?
(buzzer rings)
(Greg): Mount Logan.
(inmate): Danny Wolfe and his
brother Richard founded
this Native gang
in north-end Winnipeg.
- (buzzer rings)
- The Indian Posse.
(inmate): What town in Prince
Edward Island is also the name
of a brand of french fries?
- (buzzer rings)
- Cavendish.
(inmate): What is the official
flower of Saskatchewan?
(buzzer rings)
(Phil): Western Red Lily.
(inmate): What is the Alberta birthplace
of singer Joni Mitchell?
- (buzzer rings)
- Fort MacLeod.
(inmate): This British Columbia archipelago
consists of Graham Island
and Moresby Island.
(buzzer rings)
(Phil): Haida Gwaii.
(inmate): Who has the second
most all-time points
among Canadian-born
NHL hockey players?
(buzzer rings)
(Greg): Mark Messier.
(inmate): This Nunavut town
is the northernmost
continually inhabited
place on earth.
(buzzer rings)
(Phil): Alert.
Hey guys, wanna go to Kinhao?
Huh? Let's get some
fuckin' seafood udon.
(French rap music plays)
Did you have two
of 'em in there?
Fuckin' right!
Fuckin' right!
Settle down.
But they're not gonna
be here tomorrow.
Well, it's gonna be pretty
tough to focus on the Yanks
when you're lookin' at boobies.
Like, it's no wonder
you never have any legs
in the third, you already played
a period between the sheets.
Let's get some focus
goin' in here, boys.
Let's have some
focus in here now!
Did you have two
of 'em in there, too?
- Wanna go to Buzzy Brown's?
- Fuckin' right!
The chicken wings
are unbelievable.
Yew-hew!
- What're ya at?
- What are you doin'?
Lard Jeezus, b'y,
de b'ys both had two girls
- where they're to.
- What were you doin' in there?
- (Shoresy): Huh?
- I was just listenin'.
Well, I was bein' real quiet
so you wouldn't
know where I was to.
I'm real proud o' ya, though,
for doin' so good
as what you did.
Ah no, she don't even know
me name, b'y.
Lookin' for sum'in
a little deeper than that.
- Let's have some toast.
- Let's just
get it outta your systems now.
It's gonna be pretty tough
to focus on the Yanks
when we're looking at--
vergina.
(rap music plays)
(Ziig): You're on the clock, slut.
Does he look gay enough?
I dunno. Does he look
gay enough, Ziig?
The bears think he looks
good and gay naturally.
I don't think
we should coach him.
(knocking on door)
Who's that?
Oui, allo, Lysandre Nadeau.
Who's that?
(Miig): That is Rêve.
(music intensifies)
How does he do it?
(Miig): The Quebecois
stand by their own.
He's fucking up again.
Frankie!
(Nat exhales, annoyed)
(upbeat rock music plays)
(Alice giggles)
(Fish): Fuck.
(Alice): What?
Shoresy.
- Hey, Fish!
- Shoresy.
- You guys on a date?
- First date.
- Nice!
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- Yep.
What the fuck do you think
you're doin'?
- What? What?
- Huh?
Well, you stopped scorin'
a goal a game
but you got lots of time
for chit-chats.
- Are you serious?
- Wish I had more time
- for chit-chats.
- Shoresy, I'm third
on the team in points.
Oh yeah? How many'd
ya score last game?
- Zero. Zero.
- Huh?
- And the game before that?
- Zero.
But ya got lots
of time for chit-chats!
- How's Goody?
- What happened to senior
whale shit hockey?
(Michaels): It used to be
senior whale shit hockey.
Now it's somethin' different.
Now we have a chance
to do something
that's never been done before.
Think about it, Fish!
You wanna be the best team
in the league this year,
or do you wanna be the best
team in the league, ever?
Yeah.
What the fuck 're you doin'?
- What?
- Huh?
- I'm eating a panini.
- By yourself?
- Yeah.
- In the middle of
the afternoon?
- Is that not okay?
- Well, depends who you ask.
- What do you mean?
- Well, if it was me sittin'
there eatin' solo paninis
in the middle of the afternoon,
I might be a little bit worried.
- Worried about what?
- That I'm a fuckin' loser!
For Chr--
Shoulda just got this to go.
Well, you'd still be
by yourself eatin' paninis.
- I see.
- Got a dip?
(Palmer): Let's go!
- I'll tell ya what, Shoresy?
- That's all right.
Just so you know, people
are sayin' you're acting weird.
- What do you say?
- Goalies are always weird!
(footsteps thudding
rhythmically)
You're right, Shoresy.
You know, solo paninis
in the middle of
the afternoon is a bad--
Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
They're in a day early, huh?
It's a bit overkill.
It's senior whale shit hockey.
(Nat): Not to them, it isn't.
To these dudes, this is it.
(Shoresy): The fuck
are they doin'?
- Peak perfor--
- Huh?
- Peak performance imagery.
- What?
Visualization, my dude.
Gettin' mentally prepared.
I told you they'd be coming
land, sea, and air.
Simmer down.
So, while our guys
are out there thinking about ass
- and Reach For The Top--
- Goody loves chicken.
The Soo Hunt are here.
Thinking about beating us.
(rhythmic music plays)
Get a life.
See anyone you
don't recognize?
Well, I see three guys
I've never seen
with the Soo Hunt before
and I recognize
all three of 'em.
Yep, they loaded up.
- Is that Matt Delaney?
- That's him.
First round pick.
Three years in the show,
three stints in the Players
Assistance Program.
(Sanguinet): Do we know
what for?
(Shoresy): Yep.
That's Brady Schnurr.
(Nat): 1,000 games in the show.
Another couple hundred
in the minors,
and now he's here.
(Shoresy): Hang 'em up.
(Nat): Veteran presence.
Dale Palmer.
(Shoresy): Could see
that guy from the moon.
(Nat): Half a season
in the show.
No one would fight
him so he quit.
(Shoresy): Fuckin' loser.
They wanna spoil
this for us so bad,
they came in a day early
to get focused.
I bet their broads couldn't
wait to get rid of 'em.
Americans have to be
the best at everything.
They're obsessed with it.
And we're the only thing
standing in the way
of them being the best at this.
Which brings us
to my point of apprehension.
They wanna be
the best fuckin' bad.