Son of a Critch (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
♪
ADULT MARK: They say money
can't buy happiness
MIKE SR.: Good God!
Phone bill's past due,
power bill's past due.
I'm not paying my dues,
I'm paying my past dues!
ADULT MARK: But poverty
can't buy anything.
Well, you'd better pay the TV bill.
'Cause I'm betting on
the Tyson/Frazier fight.
You want me to pay a bill so
you can gamble away your money?
Oh, you don't know the first
thing about investments!
[DREARY MUSIC]
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Good morning.
You slept in. You'll miss your bus.
- You want some toast?
- MARK: No, thanks.
You can eat at recess, then.
Look. I made you a special lunch.
Two buns, two bags of
chips, and two Pepsis, huh?
ADULT MARK: My mother was
killing me with kindness.
And maybe diabetes.
I couldn't fit in your sandwich.
You want to eat that on the bus?
That's okay. Thanks, Mom.
[EMOTIONAL MUSIC]
♪
♪
♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
The redhead dumped him.
- MARY: What?
- POP: She's got a new boyfriend.
POP: He's a bit older. Drives a car!
I'd tell you more, but
I'm sworn to secrecy.
Hey, guys.
MARY: Mike, honey!
Here, made you a ham sandwich.
MIKE JR.: Oh, thank you!
MIKE SR.: How was the night shift?
Oh, it was awesome.
And you know what?
I got my first cheque.
- MARY: Oh!
- MIKE SR.: Oh, well done!
That's my boy!
That can't be right.
Says here he's making 10
cents more an hour than I am.
[CHUCKLES] Cool.
Jesus Murphy!
You can't be making less than your son.
Well, when's the last
time you asked for a raise?
Well, I
I mean, you have to
find the right time
for this kind of
ADULT MARK: The old man hated conflict.
He believed in living
life as free as a bird.
An ostrich, specifically,
with his head buried deep in the sand.
MARY: The right time is right now.
Now, you get on over there
and you tell Mr. Murphy
that you're the heart
and soul of that station!
And all that other crap
you're always telling me, hm?
♪
Go on. Huss!
[RADIO PLAYING "EVERY TIME
YOU GO AWAY" BY PAUL YOUNG]
ADULT MARK: The bus was
where I first saw her,
and now every inch of
it reminded me of her.
You take a piece of me with you ♪
Every time you go away ♪
You take a piece of me with you ♪
- FOX: Hey.
- MARK: Hey.
ADULT MARK: Our witty banter was back!
All I had to do now was
not say anything stupid!
MARK: So
Why isn't your boyfriend driving you?
You know, besides it being illegal.
Even with a learner's permit,
you should always have an
adult present in the car.
ADULT MARK: And so much for that.
We broke up.
Oh. That's too bad.
ADULT MARK: Huzzah!
I had defeated my enemy
without having to do a thing.
I felt as powerful as the noble ostrich.
He's a jerk.
He's always trying to
get me to do gross stuff.
Boys are dicks.
Can I ask you a personal question?
If he's so rotten, then
why'd you even date him?
In the summer, he seemed nice
compared to everyone else
I was hanging out with,
but now I realize that's 'cause
the people I was
hanging out with suck.
♪
Check this out. I got double-lunched.
No way! How?
Oh, my mom.
- FOX: Okay, give me the chips.
- MARK: Both?
ADULT MARK: The bus had
become a time machine,
and by the time we got to school,
I felt as though a great
weight had been lifted
from my shoulders
and tied around my ankles.
FOX: [TO MARK] That's so lame
MILLARD: Hey, Fox!
- MILLARD: We gotta talk.
- FOX: I gotta get to class.
Oh, would you just give it up?!
She said she doesn't
want to talk to you.
MILLARD: And I wasn't
talking to you!
You know, if I wanted to hear
from an arsehole, I'd fart.
FOX: Gross! Leave him alone.
SILVER FOX: Oh, you're lucky
she's holding me back, my son!
FOX: Oh, I know
[ANGRY ROCK MUSIC]
ADULT MARK: Now that I was
the victor, I pitied him.
After all, I knew what it
was like to lose at love.
I just wanted to say, I've been there.
Fairly recently, as a matter of fact.
Sometimes the heart
just needs time to accept
what the mind already knows.
Sometimes good things fall apart
so better things can fall together.
ADULT MARK: I'd found
solace in one of Mom's
Cosmopolitan magazine articles,
"Ten Ways to Move On After
Your Husband has Left."
You can't look for happiness
in the same place you lost it.
Just accept what is
and let go of what was.
♪
I get what you're saying.
Yeah?
This is your fault.
What? No, no, no, no!
Look, I'm on your side! You
two seemed great together!
MILLARD: Did she dump me for you?
Dump you for me ?
That's crazy talk! No, of course not!
MR. CHAFE: Hey, hey!
Millard!
Put that boy down! Now!
[ANGRY ROCK MUSIC BUILDS]
Please.
Three o'clock, after school
You're dead.
[OMINOUS ROCK MUSIC]
[PHONE RINGS]
Better listening, VOCM.
Mike Critch speaking.
Did you talk to him yet?
Mary, I'm at work.
That's no place to ask for a raise.
MARY: [ON PHONE] Oh, you
march into Mr. Murphy's office
and you demand a raise!
What's that you say? A fire?
Woolco is ablaze?
Well, thank you very much for the tip.
Is that Mr. Murphy? You ask him!
MARY: [ON PHONE] No, tell him!
MIKE SR.: Uh, have a nice day, now!
Hey, Dick?
Did you ever get a raise?
A raise? No, b'y.
Mr. Murphy is tighter
than Mike Critch's arse.
Oh, sorry, Mike, b'y.
It's just something people say, right?
MIKE SR.: [SIGHS]
ADULT MARK: Lunch.
Just three hours till my crucifixion.
I felt like our Lord at the Last Supper.
Except I hadn't been betrayed by Judas,
but by my own mouth.
TINA: He can't beat you up.
That'd be like hitting a girl.
It's just wrong.
- MARK: Thanks.
- SILVER FOX: She's got a point.
I mean, I don't beat up
anyone in elementary anymore.
It's beneath me.
You should just tell a teacher.
No, I can't rat him out.
Nobody would respect me ever again.
Hard to respect a corpse, though.
- TINA: You should tell Fox.
- MARK: No, no.
The only thing worse than
getting beat up over a girl
is the girl we're fighting
over fighting my fight for me.
What about you?
You must know karate or something.
Why would you think that?
Uh no reason.
Look, I'm just gonna tell
him that I'm a pacifist.
Like Gandhi.
ADULT MARK: I, too, would
end up on a hunger strike.
Not for ideological reasons,
but because my jaw would be wired shut.
Hey! Still want to double-lunch?
No! I-I mean, we were
We were just leaving!
All right, come on! Come on, Ritchie!
MARK: Uh, you can have my seat, Fox.
MILLARD: Fox, we need to talk.
FOX: Frig off!
♪
What the hell are you staring at, huh?
Ow! Frig off!
Bullies shouldn't get bullied.
It's not right.
♪
♪
He's gotta go.
[MUFFLED ACCORDION MUSIC]
Mr. Murphy
I've been working here for a long time,
and I've never asked for anything.
Well, it's recently come
to my attention that
Mr. Murphy, I will not be
paid less than a teenager.
I will be 60 years old come January,
and I demand to be paid adult wages.
No
You listen to me, you son of a bitch
GERTIE: Mike?
Mr. Murphy will see you now.
MIKE SR.: Oh. [CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you, Gertie.
MR. MURPHY: Sit down, Mike.
ADULT MARK: I felt like
every second was a number
in the countdown to a rocket launch
and the rocket was
carrying the Challenger!
MS. FOWLER: Excusez moi! Class?
Can anyone tell me the
French word for "draw"?
A toke?
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
ADULT MARK: I had only seconds left.
If I stepped onto that
playground, I'd be crucified.
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
[EERIE, TENSE MUSIC]
MS. FOWLER: Very funny, Fox.
Anyone else?
MS. FOWLER: Mr. Critch.
[MUSIC WITH PLAYFUL INTRIGUE]
♪
♪
♪
[EVERYONE GASPS]
MR. CHAFE: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
You can't be swearing
in school, Mark, b'y.
ADULT MARK: I had landed in detention.
I hadn't ratted anyone out,
and it was impossible for me
to walk onto the playground.
It was a master stroke.
Look, I know you don't
want to fight him.
And I can't blame ya.
He looks big enough to
be in grade 15 by now.
But you can't hide out here forever.
The Critch men pride
ourselves on avoidance.
So, do I still get the strap?
Nah. You got enough trouble.
Besides, you're gonna need to
be able to make a fist tomorrow.
MR. CHAFE: [EXHALES] He's some size.
We'll wait him out.
[TRADITIONAL MUSIC]
Weenie?
Um, no thank you.
I have a feeling that
anything that goes in
will be coming out and
it could be from any opening.
Suit yourself.
MARY: Swearing on the blackboard!
By the Lord Lipton swearing
and Christ on a cracker!
Where the hell did you
learn words like that?
ADULT MARK: Mom swore
like some people danced.
Music personified.
Detention for swearing.
- I didn't think you had it in ya.
- MARK: Oh
You wait till your father gets home.
MIKE SR.: Mary?
- [DOOR SHUTS]
- MIKE SR.: Mary!
You won't believe it.
MARY: Oh, you'll never
believe what your son did!
Wait a minute, Mike You didn't!
I did!
MARY: Oh! [GIGGLES]
Your father got a raise!
Hey, awesome!
Should I ask for one?
BOTH: No!
POP: Now you can pay the TV bill.
Because the fight's tonight!
Well, I didn't get a raise, per se.
MARY: What do you mean?
Well, I marched into
that Mr. Murphy's office,
and I said, "I've been working too long
and for not enough money."
Well, that's great, Dad.
MARY: Get to the jeezly point, Mike.
Did he give you the raise or not?
Well, he agreed that my hard
work should be recognized,
so he decided to make
me weekend manager!
- MIKE JR.: Oh, cool!
- MARK: Congrats, Dad!
- But you gets weekends off, Mike.
- Exactly!
Now I get paid the same rate,
but I gets to work more hours.
It's a win/win, see?
ADULT MARK: As Dad spoke the words,
even he could see his error.
MARY: You stunned shagger. [SIGHS]
Mary Mary!
MARY: What am I gonna do with you?
MIKE SR.: I still have
weekend nights off!
POP: Who needs Frazier/Tyson
when we've got Mike and Mary?
MARK: [LAUGHS]
- MIKE SR.: Mary
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MARK: Oh
ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] Tyson is undefeated.
Marvis Frazier, the son of
boxing legend Joe Frazier.
Live from the Civic Center
in Glen Falls, New York!
This is gonna be a great one.
- MARK: What ya watching?
- POP: Shh.
This is Tyson/Frazier,
fight of the decade.
I've got money on this.
'Ey, sit down.
ADULT MARK: The last thing I
wanted to do on my final night
on Earth was to watch
someone else be pummelled.
I had my own fight to lose
and it wasn't going to be pretty.
[BOXING BELL RINGS]
POP: I want you to get in
there and hit him, you bum!
MARK: I can't! He's too big!
POP: Oh, the bigger they
are, the harder they fall.
Now, get in there!
MR. CHAFE: All right,
I want a clean fight.
No hitting below the belt.
[BOXING BELL RINGS]
[CROWD YELLING]
POP: Come on, Mark, come on!
Hit the bum!
I'm too old to waste my
time on a loser like you.
Hit him! Come on, ya loser!
[CROWD YELLING]
- MR. CHAFE: Augh!
- [CROWD CHEERING]
POP: Oh, geez.
[ROCK MUSIC]
POP: Run!
Run for your life!
He's gonna kill ya!
Run, Mark!
Mark!
Mark!
Mark !
What's the matter with you?
MARK: Well, don't you want to watch?
POP: Yeah, sure.
I've got this going eight rounds.
ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] Round
one, about to begin.
Marvis Frazier, the record
- Pop ?
- POP: Hm?
How do you fight?
ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] to continue
his father's legacy in the ring.
POP: Hm
How big is he?
About your size, but
bigger.
Jesus.
What's the fight about?
A girl.
Little Miss Red?
Well, obviously you can't run.
The best way to start
a fight is to finish it.
You have to hit him first.
Well, then what?
Then
you run.
All right Come on.
- MARK: What, why?
- POP: Come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
You ever hit a man?
- MARK: Of course not!
- POP: Ah, okay.
Well, you're gonna hit me.
You have to understand
what it feels like.
Now, you can hit me
right here in the gut.
No! I might hurt you.
POP: Oh, you'll hurt
me? You really think so?
- POP: All right, come on.
- MARK: Hey, watch it!
- POP: What do ya got?
- MARK: Watch it, no, no!
POP: What do you got? Let's see it!
- MARK: Stop it!
- POP: Come on, ya big baby!
Ah, oh!
MARK: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
POP: Jesus God! God, now, come on!
- I wasn't ready!
- [CROWD ON TV YELLING]
ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] And
would you look at that!
Tyson has knocked Frazier out!
The ref is having a look.
He's stopping the fight
after just 30 seconds!
A record!
MARK: Well, congrats, Pop! I
- POP: What?
- MARK: I guess you win.
POP: What?
No, I had the money on
the other one, Frazier!
Ah!
What kind of a moron am I?
You have to respect him, though.
Stood there and took
a beating like a man.
There's a certain dignity to that.
ADULT MARK: It was decided.
I would make a fool of myself
with dignity.
ADULT MARK: My father
decided to face his fears.
GERTIE: Mike, he's on a
call, you can't go in there!
Mike!
ADULT MARK: Or else face Mom.
MARY: [ON TV] if you
don't give him at least
what his son is getting,
I'll be calling Mrs. Murphy
and telling her just what
kind of man she's married to.
MIKE SR.: Mr. Murphy, I'm
sorry to interrupt, sir.
Oh, for God's sake, Mike.
Ten cents more an hour.
Just go, Mike! That's it.
Ten cents. Go.
No, uh, 15 cents, Mr. Murphy.
Not 10.
Eleven cents, Mike.
That's it. Out, out, out!
[QUIETLY] Good for you.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
♪
MS. FOWLER: Copy down your
homework for tonight, children.
Literature
RITCHIE: [QUIETLY] Psst! Hey
In have an idea.
Have you tried peeing yourself?
What?
It's like a wet ticket home.
You'd be too pathetic to hit!
- MARK: [SIGHS]
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
MS. FOWLER: Have a nice night,
and have a good weekend, children.
I know I will.
I'm learning to dance the Pasodoble!
You can have my comic books.
You're going to be fine.
[WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC]
ADULT MARK: The time had come.
I would meet my fate honourably,
standing tall with knocking knees.
MARK: Okay.
What's going on?
Spill it!
ADULT MARK: Word spread
like chicken pox.
It seemed like all eyes were on me.
It would be a public hanging.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
♪
♪
♪
♪
[BELL TOLLING]
[WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC]
[CAR APPROACHING]
♪
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♪
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK: All I wanted
to do was not faint.
Or pee myself.
You finally showed up.
You got some balls after all.
ADULT MARK: I wanted to throw
the first punch like Pop said,
but I couldn't move my arms.
I could barely close my eyes.
SILVER FOX: Leave him alone.
This isn't your fight.
Yes, it is.
He's my friend.
ADULT MARK: I started to
wonder if I'd already been hit
and was dreaming behind the veil
of a medically-induced coma.
Fine. I'll kick your ass, too, then.
MIDDLE FOX: You fight one
of us, you fights all of us.
We're family.
ADULT MARK: Like a crowd
protecting Spartacus,
the Foxes had rallied to my defence.
BABY FOX: I'll smack you in the nuts!
You can't punch a baby!
I can't fight all of you.
Then fight me.
MARK: No, you're you're
just making it worse.
I don't need you to
fight my fights for me!
I don't need you to
fight my fights for me!
This isn't your fight.
I'm the one he's mad at.
I can't hit a girl.
What'd you call me?
MILLARD: Augh! [MOANING]
You got balls after all.
RITCHIE: Wipe out!
Sick!
We're done, you hear me?
Done! You don't own me!
- MARK: Thanks.
- FOX: Frig off!
MR. CHAFE: No fighting
on school grounds!
Now, why don't you get on home?
MILLARD: [WHIMPERING]
So I marched right in there,
and I told Mr. Murphy
the way it was gonna be!
- MARY: Did you, now?
- MIKE SR.: I did!
I told him, "If I don't get my raise,
well, there is going to be hell to pay."
POP: Well, you don't look beaten up.
I'm impressed.
I didn't know you could run so fast.
Oh, I didn't run.
But I didn't fight either.
All right, a draw.
I'm still impressed.
How?
I didn't even throw a punch.
Look, showing up to a fight
you know you're gonna win,
it makes you a bully.
But showing up for a fight
you know you're gonna lose,
now, that makes you brave.
Thanks, Pop.
And I'm sorry you lost all that money.
What money? I didn't lose any money.
No, I forgot to place the bet.
One of the few joys of getting old.
ADULT MARK: There's a fine line
between bravery and stupidity.
Some things are worth fighting for.
Even if you lose.