Son of the Beach (2000) s02e02 Episode Script
From Russia with Johnson
Chernobyl, this is General Sukitov.
Yes, General? Sailors Sergei and Federov here.
Your orders are as follows.
Proceed immediately to coordinates K-Y.
K-Y? But General, this would place us right off the coast of Malibu Adjacent.
Well into American waters! I have given you K-Y.
Now I want deep penetration.
Soon, comrade, the Chernobyl will fire upon an American ship.
Single-handedly, I will reignite the Cold War.
When I am finished, the name Chernobyl will be synonymous with disaster.
Who could possibly stop me now? Aah.
Mmm.
Hi, Notch.
What are you doing? I'm waxing my woody.
Ah.
Tonight's episode Son Of The Beach should be stored in a cool, dry place.
Hey, guys.
What's goin' on? I'm polishing Notch's knob.
He brought his woody in for Hobby Day.
Uh, Hobby Day? You've never heard of Hobby Day? Hobby Day is the bestest day of the year.
It's like Christmas and Yom Kippur wrapped into one.
My hobby is cooking.
I don't wanna brag, but I'm a real "gour-met.
" My hobby is teaching Ebonics to overprivileged rich kids.
Ev'body, say whassup to Thurston Banks Hewitt III.
Hey.
Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintances, I'm sure.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I meant, yo, yo, yo.
Whassup, D-money? and here is a shell from an 80 millimeter Panzer tank.
Wow.
Put it to your ear.
You can hear the fall of Paris.
I think we should go back.
If American radar detects us we could be blown out.
We have our orders.
Let go, damn it.
You're out of control.
Watch out! Oh, my God.
This is the most beautiful shell I've ever seen.
Wow.
Who are you? I am a mermaid.
My name is Areola.
Areola.
I love the way it feels on my tongue.
How did you get here? You made me come when you put your lips on my conch.
Wow, something sure smells great.
Yeah, it's B.
J.
'S famous hot dog and meatball recipe.
I call it "franks and balls.
" The trick is is to remember it's not just about the franks.
You have to spend equal time on the balls.
What's that? That's the sonar station alarm.
Somethin' must be goin' down.
It sounds like someone's banging.
Someone's sending a message.
Yo, I speak tap.
Don't even trip.
Let me have a go at it.
OK.
Yo, some folks in trouble for real.
They straight at the bottom of the ocean.
Lord have mercy.
It's a Russian submarine.
What? Gentlemen, this is by no means a safe mission.
In fact, it is quite dangerous.
Some of us Not so fast, Johnson.
I'd like you to meet General Dmitri Sukitov.
Born 1939 to Boris and Natasha Sukitov.
Two years later, you joined the Communist Party.
At the age of 20, you enlisted in the KGB, and for a brief time you dated Rudolf Nureyev.
You know a lot about Russian history.
I had to learn it when I fought for a country that I like to call Afghanistan.
That is old news.
The wall has fallen.
Russia is now as honest and respected as your ex-president Clinton.
Speaking of which, young lady - are you what is referred to as an intern? - Yo.
Don't be dissin' her.
She got a name.
A respectable name.
B.
J.
Cummings.
B.
J Sukitov.
The general has asked that the Russians handle this rescue attempt without American help, Johnson.
It's just a small fishing submarine that ran out of gas.
No need for you to bother with it.
Mayor if we wait for Russian divers and equipment to get here, it could take weeks.
We have to release the seamen now.
It's OK.
The sailors can survive for months down there.
They got lettuce, tomatoes, mayo everything you could want on a sub.
You listen to me, comrade, I think you're full of Bolshevik, and I'm not gonna allow you to turn our American dream into some pinko nightmare.
Johnson.
Communism is a contagious disease that infects America from within, much like a polyp that's found on your colon.
Johnson.
Better dead than red, I say.
Johnson, you're acting like a lunatic.
Boys, take him away.
Fine, fine, fine.
You take me away, but I'm on to you, Sukitov.
I know why you're here.
You're a communist, and you only want to do one thing Destroy the land that I love.
Dang, this scene be wham! Whack, Baby T.
The scene be whack.
That commie bastard no-good-nik, he's gonna let those poor sailors die 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
Notch, how many men does it take to sail one of these subs? Ok, Kimberly, I'll play along.
I don't know.
How many men does it take to sail one of these subs? No, Notch.
I'm sayin' we have to do something to save them.
That's the punchline? I don't get it.
That general has to be hiding something, or he'd let us save his crew.
So what is he hiding? I think I know a way we can find out.
If there's one thing that commies can't resist, it's whores Dirty, filthy whores.
B.
J.
, that Sukitov seemed to like you.
Uh, N-Notch.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Hold on, Kimberly, it's not what you think.
B.
J.
, I want you to seduce Sukitov.
Get all the information out of him you can.
T-This is exactly what I was thinking.
Glad to have you on board.
So, B.
J.
? Can I count on you? I only have two questions.
When? And what does "seduce" mean? Just use your head, B.
J.
Just use your head.
Oh.
Come with me under the water.
I want to show you my world.
But how will I breathe? We have to put our mouths together, like this.
Can you see my mind? Do you know what it is you're doing to me? Look at me, shivering like a little girl, quivering.
Oh, look at the spuds on her.
Who is it? B.
J.
Cummings.
To what do I owe this honor? I'm here to seduce you, whatever that means.
Wow.
Seduced by a hot, young, American intern type.
What would that be like? I want you to tell me what's going to happen to those sailors on the submarine.
I cannot tell you that.
Oh, I think you can.
Unh! You're a bad, bad boy.
Unh! Ah.
I am a bad boy.
I am so naughty.
Now give me what I want.
Unh! I cannot.
Unh! Give it to me.
OK.
The sailors will run out of air within hours.
That way, they can never tell of my evil plan to attack America and restart the cold war.
Unh! I deserve to be punished.
Unh! And now, Areola, I want to show you my world.
But wait.
There's something that you should know.
Once I leave the water, I can't ever return and if I do, I have to stay there forever.
Then don't ever return to the sea.
A ring? It was my grandfather's.
He collected jewelry during the war.
It's beautiful.
It's nothing.
You should have seen his art collection.
Marry me, Areola.
Yes, Chip.
The answer is yes.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
Have you ever considered wearing your hair up? Notch! Notch! What's the matter, B.
J.
? It's the sailors.
I found out they have no air supply.
No Air Supply? I can't go a day without Air Supply.
"You're Every Woman In The World To Me'; "All Out Of Love".
Air Supply rocks.
No, Notch.
She means oxygen.
Sukitov's gonna let them die just to cover up some cold sore.
You mean, "Cold War"? Yeah, that's what he said.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
Those sailors may be communists, but they may also be human beings with wives or girlfriends or long-time homosexual companions.
What are you gonna do, Notch? I'm gonna go save some lives.
God bless America.
Notch, don't you need scuba gear? Let's go, let's go.
I need those tanks yesterday! But Notch, I didn't even hear about it until today.
Notch, please don't go.
It's a mile underwater.
At least let me check the tanks.
This is no time for safety.
Let's move out.
Here they come.
Hey, everyone, meet the love of my life, Areola.
We ain't got no time, man.
We gotta roll.
Infidels.
I will take my re-wenge by killing them all.
Well, gang, this is it.
If I don't make it back, would somebody please feed my fish? Where the hell is Notch Johnson? He left to save those sailors.
Yeah, Sukitov was gonna let them sailors run outta air supply, yo.
What are you talking about? Go ahead, seduce him yourself.
He'll tell you.
He's deliberately letting those sailors suffocate so that they won't reveal his plan to restart the Cold War.
You have to arrest him.
I hate when Johnson's right.
Just a couple more launch codes and arrivederci, Southern California.
Glasnost, boys.
It's your lucky day.
World-famous lifeguard Notch Johnson? What are you doing here? I'm here to save you.
We speak English.
Yes but with an accent.
Now here, use these tanks.
There's enough air to get you to the surface.
You're in big trouble, Sukitov.
You are too late.
I have set off a nuclear de-wice on the Chernobyl.
In five minutes, all of Malibu Adjacent will be "waporized.
" Not "waporized!" You're goin' to America, comrades.
Home of toilet paper, blue jeans, and unregulated access to firearms.
Notch, you have to get outta there.
Sukitov set off a nuclear device.
I know, I know.
I'm gonna stay and disarm it.
But if you stay much longer, you won't have enough air to make it back to the surface.
But I'm a lifeguard.
I've gotta save the world.
Kimberly, I'm opening the device.
There are two wires.
One brown, one red.
Damn it.
Now, I've gotta cut one.
It's my fault.
He ate too many franks and balls.
One's a live wire and one's a dummy.
If he cuts the wrong one, the whole thing'll blow.
What? My father's a defense contractor.
Naw, son.
Your father be's a defense contractor.
Red, brown.
Brown, red.
Which one do I cut? Notch, there's only 10 seconds left.
Well, better dead than red.
I cut the brown! The bomb's been disabled! Oh, my God.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna die alone 20,000 leagues under the sea! No! - No! - Oh, my God.
What's so funny? Girl, the lack of oxygen's makin' dude insane in the brain.
Notch is gonna die.
What are we gonna do? I feel so helpless.
I would give up anything to save him.
I can't believe this is happening.
I need to be held.
Areola! Where did she go? And then there was the time I put on B.
J.
'S panties.
That feeling of silk awoke something deep inside me something I never I never Notch! Notch! No.
No! Don't worry, Kimberly.
He must've been dreamin', 'cause I don't wear panties.
Ooh.
He's been down there too long.
Not so fast.
Check it out! It's Notch! Notch! Yeah! Notch, how'd you do it? My girlfriend must have saved him.
It's true, gang.
Sucking on Chip's Areola saved my life.
Hey, where is she? She's gone, Chief.
It's a mermaid thing.
You wouldn't understand.
I call this "B.
J.
'S in-your-face tuna.
" I used canned tuna, mayonnaise, and miracle whip.
Mmm.
Hey, no fishy smell.
I'm not hungry.
I miss my Areola.
Chip, you gotta eat.
I'm worried.
You're down to 6 chickens a day.
OK.
If you say so, Chief.
Ooh! What's that? It's the ring I gave Areola.
Oh, my God.
That means, uh Oh, my God.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Well, honey, she might be gone, but at least you can say you got her in the can.
Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Needless to say, tonight's show is about cold sores, otherwise known as yucky face herpes.
Now, a lot of people think cold sores can be passed through any type of contact, such as kissing.
Well, that's simply not true.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Teens, I want you to meet Michelle.
Now, Michelle is currently suffering from a minor inflammation But that's not gonna stop me from providing her with some deep, open-mouthed kissing.
Watch.
You see? I'm perfectly fine.
So, until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying ride the big one.
Yes, General? Sailors Sergei and Federov here.
Your orders are as follows.
Proceed immediately to coordinates K-Y.
K-Y? But General, this would place us right off the coast of Malibu Adjacent.
Well into American waters! I have given you K-Y.
Now I want deep penetration.
Soon, comrade, the Chernobyl will fire upon an American ship.
Single-handedly, I will reignite the Cold War.
When I am finished, the name Chernobyl will be synonymous with disaster.
Who could possibly stop me now? Aah.
Mmm.
Hi, Notch.
What are you doing? I'm waxing my woody.
Ah.
Tonight's episode Son Of The Beach should be stored in a cool, dry place.
Hey, guys.
What's goin' on? I'm polishing Notch's knob.
He brought his woody in for Hobby Day.
Uh, Hobby Day? You've never heard of Hobby Day? Hobby Day is the bestest day of the year.
It's like Christmas and Yom Kippur wrapped into one.
My hobby is cooking.
I don't wanna brag, but I'm a real "gour-met.
" My hobby is teaching Ebonics to overprivileged rich kids.
Ev'body, say whassup to Thurston Banks Hewitt III.
Hey.
Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintances, I'm sure.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I meant, yo, yo, yo.
Whassup, D-money? and here is a shell from an 80 millimeter Panzer tank.
Wow.
Put it to your ear.
You can hear the fall of Paris.
I think we should go back.
If American radar detects us we could be blown out.
We have our orders.
Let go, damn it.
You're out of control.
Watch out! Oh, my God.
This is the most beautiful shell I've ever seen.
Wow.
Who are you? I am a mermaid.
My name is Areola.
Areola.
I love the way it feels on my tongue.
How did you get here? You made me come when you put your lips on my conch.
Wow, something sure smells great.
Yeah, it's B.
J.
'S famous hot dog and meatball recipe.
I call it "franks and balls.
" The trick is is to remember it's not just about the franks.
You have to spend equal time on the balls.
What's that? That's the sonar station alarm.
Somethin' must be goin' down.
It sounds like someone's banging.
Someone's sending a message.
Yo, I speak tap.
Don't even trip.
Let me have a go at it.
OK.
Yo, some folks in trouble for real.
They straight at the bottom of the ocean.
Lord have mercy.
It's a Russian submarine.
What? Gentlemen, this is by no means a safe mission.
In fact, it is quite dangerous.
Some of us Not so fast, Johnson.
I'd like you to meet General Dmitri Sukitov.
Born 1939 to Boris and Natasha Sukitov.
Two years later, you joined the Communist Party.
At the age of 20, you enlisted in the KGB, and for a brief time you dated Rudolf Nureyev.
You know a lot about Russian history.
I had to learn it when I fought for a country that I like to call Afghanistan.
That is old news.
The wall has fallen.
Russia is now as honest and respected as your ex-president Clinton.
Speaking of which, young lady - are you what is referred to as an intern? - Yo.
Don't be dissin' her.
She got a name.
A respectable name.
B.
J.
Cummings.
B.
J Sukitov.
The general has asked that the Russians handle this rescue attempt without American help, Johnson.
It's just a small fishing submarine that ran out of gas.
No need for you to bother with it.
Mayor if we wait for Russian divers and equipment to get here, it could take weeks.
We have to release the seamen now.
It's OK.
The sailors can survive for months down there.
They got lettuce, tomatoes, mayo everything you could want on a sub.
You listen to me, comrade, I think you're full of Bolshevik, and I'm not gonna allow you to turn our American dream into some pinko nightmare.
Johnson.
Communism is a contagious disease that infects America from within, much like a polyp that's found on your colon.
Johnson.
Better dead than red, I say.
Johnson, you're acting like a lunatic.
Boys, take him away.
Fine, fine, fine.
You take me away, but I'm on to you, Sukitov.
I know why you're here.
You're a communist, and you only want to do one thing Destroy the land that I love.
Dang, this scene be wham! Whack, Baby T.
The scene be whack.
That commie bastard no-good-nik, he's gonna let those poor sailors die 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
Notch, how many men does it take to sail one of these subs? Ok, Kimberly, I'll play along.
I don't know.
How many men does it take to sail one of these subs? No, Notch.
I'm sayin' we have to do something to save them.
That's the punchline? I don't get it.
That general has to be hiding something, or he'd let us save his crew.
So what is he hiding? I think I know a way we can find out.
If there's one thing that commies can't resist, it's whores Dirty, filthy whores.
B.
J.
, that Sukitov seemed to like you.
Uh, N-Notch.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Hold on, Kimberly, it's not what you think.
B.
J.
, I want you to seduce Sukitov.
Get all the information out of him you can.
T-This is exactly what I was thinking.
Glad to have you on board.
So, B.
J.
? Can I count on you? I only have two questions.
When? And what does "seduce" mean? Just use your head, B.
J.
Just use your head.
Oh.
Come with me under the water.
I want to show you my world.
But how will I breathe? We have to put our mouths together, like this.
Can you see my mind? Do you know what it is you're doing to me? Look at me, shivering like a little girl, quivering.
Oh, look at the spuds on her.
Who is it? B.
J.
Cummings.
To what do I owe this honor? I'm here to seduce you, whatever that means.
Wow.
Seduced by a hot, young, American intern type.
What would that be like? I want you to tell me what's going to happen to those sailors on the submarine.
I cannot tell you that.
Oh, I think you can.
Unh! You're a bad, bad boy.
Unh! Ah.
I am a bad boy.
I am so naughty.
Now give me what I want.
Unh! I cannot.
Unh! Give it to me.
OK.
The sailors will run out of air within hours.
That way, they can never tell of my evil plan to attack America and restart the cold war.
Unh! I deserve to be punished.
Unh! And now, Areola, I want to show you my world.
But wait.
There's something that you should know.
Once I leave the water, I can't ever return and if I do, I have to stay there forever.
Then don't ever return to the sea.
A ring? It was my grandfather's.
He collected jewelry during the war.
It's beautiful.
It's nothing.
You should have seen his art collection.
Marry me, Areola.
Yes, Chip.
The answer is yes.
I love you.
I love everything about you.
Have you ever considered wearing your hair up? Notch! Notch! What's the matter, B.
J.
? It's the sailors.
I found out they have no air supply.
No Air Supply? I can't go a day without Air Supply.
"You're Every Woman In The World To Me'; "All Out Of Love".
Air Supply rocks.
No, Notch.
She means oxygen.
Sukitov's gonna let them die just to cover up some cold sore.
You mean, "Cold War"? Yeah, that's what he said.
I'm not gonna let that happen.
Those sailors may be communists, but they may also be human beings with wives or girlfriends or long-time homosexual companions.
What are you gonna do, Notch? I'm gonna go save some lives.
God bless America.
Notch, don't you need scuba gear? Let's go, let's go.
I need those tanks yesterday! But Notch, I didn't even hear about it until today.
Notch, please don't go.
It's a mile underwater.
At least let me check the tanks.
This is no time for safety.
Let's move out.
Here they come.
Hey, everyone, meet the love of my life, Areola.
We ain't got no time, man.
We gotta roll.
Infidels.
I will take my re-wenge by killing them all.
Well, gang, this is it.
If I don't make it back, would somebody please feed my fish? Where the hell is Notch Johnson? He left to save those sailors.
Yeah, Sukitov was gonna let them sailors run outta air supply, yo.
What are you talking about? Go ahead, seduce him yourself.
He'll tell you.
He's deliberately letting those sailors suffocate so that they won't reveal his plan to restart the Cold War.
You have to arrest him.
I hate when Johnson's right.
Just a couple more launch codes and arrivederci, Southern California.
Glasnost, boys.
It's your lucky day.
World-famous lifeguard Notch Johnson? What are you doing here? I'm here to save you.
We speak English.
Yes but with an accent.
Now here, use these tanks.
There's enough air to get you to the surface.
You're in big trouble, Sukitov.
You are too late.
I have set off a nuclear de-wice on the Chernobyl.
In five minutes, all of Malibu Adjacent will be "waporized.
" Not "waporized!" You're goin' to America, comrades.
Home of toilet paper, blue jeans, and unregulated access to firearms.
Notch, you have to get outta there.
Sukitov set off a nuclear device.
I know, I know.
I'm gonna stay and disarm it.
But if you stay much longer, you won't have enough air to make it back to the surface.
But I'm a lifeguard.
I've gotta save the world.
Kimberly, I'm opening the device.
There are two wires.
One brown, one red.
Damn it.
Now, I've gotta cut one.
It's my fault.
He ate too many franks and balls.
One's a live wire and one's a dummy.
If he cuts the wrong one, the whole thing'll blow.
What? My father's a defense contractor.
Naw, son.
Your father be's a defense contractor.
Red, brown.
Brown, red.
Which one do I cut? Notch, there's only 10 seconds left.
Well, better dead than red.
I cut the brown! The bomb's been disabled! Oh, my God.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna die alone 20,000 leagues under the sea! No! - No! - Oh, my God.
What's so funny? Girl, the lack of oxygen's makin' dude insane in the brain.
Notch is gonna die.
What are we gonna do? I feel so helpless.
I would give up anything to save him.
I can't believe this is happening.
I need to be held.
Areola! Where did she go? And then there was the time I put on B.
J.
'S panties.
That feeling of silk awoke something deep inside me something I never I never Notch! Notch! No.
No! Don't worry, Kimberly.
He must've been dreamin', 'cause I don't wear panties.
Ooh.
He's been down there too long.
Not so fast.
Check it out! It's Notch! Notch! Yeah! Notch, how'd you do it? My girlfriend must have saved him.
It's true, gang.
Sucking on Chip's Areola saved my life.
Hey, where is she? She's gone, Chief.
It's a mermaid thing.
You wouldn't understand.
I call this "B.
J.
'S in-your-face tuna.
" I used canned tuna, mayonnaise, and miracle whip.
Mmm.
Hey, no fishy smell.
I'm not hungry.
I miss my Areola.
Chip, you gotta eat.
I'm worried.
You're down to 6 chickens a day.
OK.
If you say so, Chief.
Ooh! What's that? It's the ring I gave Areola.
Oh, my God.
That means, uh Oh, my God.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Well, honey, she might be gone, but at least you can say you got her in the can.
Oh, hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
Needless to say, tonight's show is about cold sores, otherwise known as yucky face herpes.
Now, a lot of people think cold sores can be passed through any type of contact, such as kissing.
Well, that's simply not true.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Teens, I want you to meet Michelle.
Now, Michelle is currently suffering from a minor inflammation But that's not gonna stop me from providing her with some deep, open-mouthed kissing.
Watch.
You see? I'm perfectly fine.
So, until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying ride the big one.