Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle (2009) s02e02 Episode Script
London
Show two.
What's this about? Living in the town or the country.
One of the conditions of getting a second series was that I do more accessible stuff, and I thought, "Well, everyone lives somewhere, don't they?" They either live in the country or the town, so everyone's going to relate to it on some level.
No-one doesn't live anywhere.
It's very stressful living in London.
There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now.
You've seen them, er on adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I-R-O-N-I-K was how he'd spelt it.
And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets.
He was a tweeter and, er one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er LAUGHTER the past tense of tweet.
One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house.
And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
Very stressful though, city life.
It's amazing what you get used to, isn't it? There was a film earlier last year, one of these films that they have now.
You've seen these films at the pictures, Saturday morning.
And the film Kick-Arse, I don't know if you saw that.
Kick-Arse.
And the young people were very excited about the film Kick-Arse because in the film Kick-Arse, there was a scene where you could see a 12-year-old girl use the word "cunt", which is the C-word, isn't it? LAUGHTER Urgh! Now LAUGHTER .
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where I live in Hackney I can see that any day of the week.
In fact, only this morning on the 73 bus, I saw a 12-year-old girl call someone a cunt, although, to be fair, there were mitigating circumstances - her daughter was being extremely annoying.
LAUGHTER Did you like that joke? Did you like that joke? I didn't.
I'm ashamed of it, to be honest.
I'm ashamed of having thought of that joke, although I have been advised that I might be able to sell that joke to Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Apparently it has the requisite level of contempt for vulnerable people LAUGHTER .
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or "edge", as it's known at Channel 4.
You've had the response to the first show.
Has that been good? Some of those online comments can be quite offensive.
They can be quite offensive, yeah.
I mean, you couldn't make them up.
"Stewart Lee" It says here, "Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle.
"That's rubbish, it contains neither comedy nor cars.
" Mmm.
"Stewart Lee, "why should I listen to the ramblings of a misshapen bin bag of a man?" And that was from, er, Mark Thompson, the Director-General of the BBC.
Very stressful, living in the city.
Where I live in Hackney, we used to be frightened of crime and pollution.
Now we're frightened of foxes.
You saw that last year, apparently a fox overpowered and harmed a Hackney child.
I don't believe that.
I don't believe I don't believe that a fox overpowered and harmed a Hackney child because all Hackney children are armed.
LAUGHTER It was the case, though.
Apparently they say that the fox was attracted by the smell of excrement, which was in the little baby's pants.
That's what attracts the foxes, ladies and gentlemen - human excrement.
What that means is most of us have nothing to fear from fox attack unless we're tiny babies, incontinent adults, or the former Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten.
LAUGHTER Er, a strong take-up for that joke from the, er, the sassy, metropolitan audience, but doubtless there's many of you at home going, "I don't understand.
I don't get that.
"I don't get that Mark Oaten reference.
Oh, well.
" Unfortunately, viewers at home, I'm not able to explain to you, er, that Mark Oaten reference because to do so, apparently, legally, that would count as defecation of character.
LAUGHTER Very stressful, isn't it, living in theliving in the city? Round here, our main worry as sort of middle-aged parents is schools, the schools thing.
You know, there's one school round here that everyone is trying to get their kids in.
People do anything to get into the good schools.
They'll fake their address to be in a particular catchment area, people, er, check the distance to schools with pedometers from their homes, people bribe crows to fly by more direct routes LAUGHTER .
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to schools that have done particularly well in the Ofsted results.
There was even a thing where some of the young mums were actually disguising themselves as schoolgirls, as their own daughters, so they could go and sit the exams to get into the good, posh girls' schools.
Amazing, isn't it? A friend of mine, Ian, he's a single parent, but he wanted to give his daughter the best possible chance.
Um, now she's in care and he's on the sex offenders register.
LAUGHTER It is very stressful, the schools thing.
I mean, for example, there's one school round us everyone's trying to get their kids into, the one good school, and I didn't know until one of the other dads told me about this at playgroup, the way you actually get your kids on the list for that school is that your wife has to sleep with the chairman of the governors there.
I know, I don't think it's right, but, er what can you do? You know, what can you do? It's their future, isn't it? So, er Well, I drove around to, umhis house and, er a guy came out.
He was very business-like about it, you know, and then I I went back later and I picked her up and we've tried not to talk about it.
LAUGHTER I suppose it's all right.
LAUGHTER I don't think there was any need to film it and upload it to the web, though.
The guy's got a website - Ofsted Sluts.
LAUGHTER You know, they're not sluts, are they? They're just women that want the best for their kids.
I don't see I saw the guy in the street, actually.
I said, "Oh, it's me," and he went, "Sorry?" and I went, "You had sex with my wife.
" He went, "Oh, yeah, for the school thing.
" "We were trying to get our daughter "in the school," and he went, "Yeah, I know.
" He said, "It doesn't guarantee her a place, you know.
" LAUGHTER I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I can assure you your wife's performance will be rigorously assessed.
" I said, "What do you mean, rigorously assessed?" He said, "I'll be using a pedometer.
" LAUGHTER Now even in this room .
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there's only a few people laughing at that, but I think it's very much a joke You'd have to be a middle-aged person with kids, really, to get that.
That was a reference to the pedometers being used for, um, for schools.
I think, you know, it's not for younger people, that bit of material, but if you are young, if you're under 40, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff.
You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things.
You've got, er Call Of Duty 2.
And BBC Three, you're supposed to watch BBC Three.
There's allfast music on there and .
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lots of comedians called Russell all jumping about LAUGHTER .
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talking about nunchuckers and grimestep, and it's not for you.
It's not aimed at you, is it? But, you know, if you are If you are under 40, then material about having children is irrelevant to you anyway because no-one under 40 is going to have kids in this country ever again, because everyone under 40's grown up thinking that internet pornography is normal sex.
LAUGHTER If you're a young woman watching this, and you're trying to get pregnant, it won't happen if 11 men stand round you in a ring LAUGHTER .
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directing their .
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attention LAUGHTER .
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to your face .
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whilst casting doubt on your virtue LAUGHTER .
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in guttural American accents.
A lot of your cultural references are to things that people don't really care about now anyway.
Well, I think the show's for older people.
They still like a laugh, they like a bit of the comedy, but they have to stay in mainly.
But it's a sort of very specific type of audience you're after, because you're after someone who has a a good memory of things from long ago so they can relate to some of the references, ut also a very short-term memory loss, so they don't get bothered by the fact that you repeat yourself again and again.
So you're looking for a cross between an elephant and a goldfish.
It's very stressful, isn't it, the schools thing in the cities? A friend of mine, he had a little girl and, um, it turned out that she was dyslexic and they were worried about how she would thrive in the oversubscribed inner-city school system, so they actually sold up and they left London and they went to live in the countryside, and the little girl went to school in the countryside, and she's grown up to be a racist LAUGHTER .
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who can spell.
That's the main thing, isn't it? A spelling racist.
I don't know what I don't know what it's like where you are.
Where I am, all the middle-aged, middle-class parents, "We're leaving the city, we're going to the countryside.
" They get to the countryside and realise there's nothing to do in the countryside and they're absolutely bored out of their minds.
Every day the same thing - they walk out of the house, they walk to the field behind the house and theythey look at the horse that lives in the field behind the house and they go, "Ooh, there's the horse.
" LAUGHTER "He's over there.
"He was over there yesterday.
"He's moved around.
" And they walk back to the house and they argue and argue and argue cos there's nothing to do, and the marriage starts to unravel and they look for some kind of distraction, but there isn't one because they live in the countryside, and in the countryside you have to book two months in advance to get a table at Bella Pasta.
LAUGHTER And there's no cultural life in the countryside.
I mean, there's nothing There's no places like this, with stuff happening, is there? There's nothing.
All there is in the countryside is is a Corn Exchange in a market town 50 miles away.
There's only three shows on all year, but despite that, they've got a Lottery-funded lighting rig the size of Wembley Stadium.
In February there's a pop concert at the Corn Exchange with a brother-sister duo who once nearly won X Factor, whose act appears to consist of a tense and unconsummated incestuous display LAUGHTER .
.
and as such is accepted as normal in your region.
LAUGHTER Second show of the year at the Corn Exchange in the market town.
In the summertime, there's a light-hearted evening with 4 Poofs And A Piano, whose name makes their act sound better than it is.
LAUGHTER And in the run-up to Christmas at the Corn Exchange in the market town, there's a comedy night and the bloke from Max And Paddy is coming.
LAUGHTER Not Peter Kay, though.
LAUGHTER You'd think it was Peter Kay from the advertising, but it's misleading, it's notit's not Peter Kay, it's the other bloke from Max And Paddy.
Paddy.
LAUGHTER Paddy McGuinness.
Paddy Paddy McGuinness is coming.
LAUGHTER Paddy McGuinness is comingto the Corn Exchange LAUGHTER .
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in the market town in the countryside at Christmas with his joke.
LAUGHTER And the 40-something parents that've moved to the countryside, you'd run into them somewhere.
They're desperate, haunted, mad figures.
"Come and stay, Stew.
Come and stay in the countryside.
We'd love to see you.
"Come and stay.
It's great.
"Come and Come and see us in the countryside.
"Yeah, you can have a spare room.
"We've got two rooms, you can have another You can have two rooms.
"There's an outbuilding you can No-one's seen it or ever been in that.
"It's been converted, so you can go in there and "Come and stay, Stew.
It'll be great to see you in There's loads to do, Stew.
"There's There is.
There's, er "There's a field and there's athere's a horse there, "and you can lookyou can look at him.
" LAUGHTER "There's a Bella Pasta, but you won't be able to" LAUGHTER "Come and Come and stay.
We'd love to see you.
Come and "Come and stay in the country, yeah, andif you're coming, "er, could "If you're coming, would youwould you be able to "just, er "Could you just Would you still see, er "Can you bring some coke?" LAUGHTER "Come and Come and see us.
Come and Come to the countryside and, er "We'd love to see you.
All of you, come and stay and, er "It's It's not London, Stew, but there are things on.
"There's, er "Well, there's a Corn Exchange in thein the market town.
"Actually, when you're coming "the, er, the bloke from "the bloke from Max And Paddy's coming.
"I expect it is Peter Kay because" LAUGHTER "I know it isn't, no, um "Well, we could go "and, no, I know, well "Ercome and stay anyway, it'd be great to see you.
"We don't have to We can "Come and Come and stay and, er "Do you still Could you Do you still see, er "Would youbring some coke?" LAUGHTER HE SIGHS ("Come and stay!") LAUGHTER "We We need you to come.
"Come and "Come andin the country.
It's like the "There's a horse.
" LAUGHTER "There's a horse in a field, Stew.
"And there's a horse.
You can "Sometimes another horse comes, Stew.
" LAUGHTER "There's two horses in the" Are Are there two horses? "No, I lied.
" LAUGHTER "II lied to make you come ".
.
to the country There's one horse.
"There's one horse, though.
" Is there? Is there one horse? "No, it died.
" LAUGHTER "It committed suicide, Stew.
" LAUGHTER "Paddy McGuinness is coming.
"Somebody put a poster on a tree in the horse's field.
" LAUGHTER LAUGHTER CONTINUES "He must have seen it.
" LAUGHTER "And he went over to the barbed-wire fence and he.
"he rubbed his neck up and down on it.
" LAUGHTER "The The vet said it would have taken him four hours to die.
" LAUGHTER "But he was determined, Stew.
"He knew what the alternative was.
"Who would do that, Stew, to a horse, "make them think they would have to see Paddy McGuinness? "Who would do that?! "Ugh, come and stay, please! "Comeandbring some coke.
"Bring some SHOUTING: "Bring a gun! "Shoot me in the face! Kill me! "Kill my wife, kill the children, "kill the dog, kill the cat, kill the hamster Kill us! "Kill! Kill us! Burn the house down, Stew! Set fire to it! Drag our bodies "onto the burning wreckage and let the smoke rise high into the sky "as a warning no-one must come here! No-one! To the countryside! No!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I thought about moving to the countryside, though.
I believed the horse killing itself, I believed the burning the house down, killing all the kids and so on.
What I don't believe is them ringing, saying, "Can you come and stay with us?" I really don't believe that.
No, well, that was the bit I had to make up.
Um, no-one's asked me to go and stay with them, and I think that partly explains, er the viciousness of the piece.
It's, er, really born out of envy and jealousy.
You know, I'd love to be out there in the countryside staying with those people, but they don't want me to go.
In fact, I say to people, "Why did you leave the town?" They go, "Cos you were there.
" I saw this house advertised online round the Welsh Borders and I could have afforded it.
And it said, um It said it had a garden.
I haven't got a garden where I live in London.
Er, it said it had a river running through the garden.
I hadn't got a river running through the gar I hadn't got a garden! LAUGHTER You can't have a river without, er, some containing land.
LAUGHTER That's just precipitation.
LAUGHTER And at the bottom of the page, the estate agent had put, "From the kitchen window you can see otters.
" LAUGHTER I thought, "Yeah, otters.
"That raises the bar, doesn't it?" LAUGHTER "We've got a lovely property you might be interested in, Mr Lee.
" Are there LAUGHTER .
.
visible otters? LAUGHTER No.
What? I am Well, I am disappointed, to be honest, because Well, if you remember, when I first came in, I Hang on, I did.
I made it very clear to you that, er I can't really start the day unless, er .
.
I've seen some otters.
LAUGHTER Well, ideally through a kitchen window.
LAUGHTER It's none of your business, to be honest, why the I'm not beingobtuse, it's a medical Well, it's an allergy if you must know, so To non-otters.
LAUGHTER Of which there are many, you're right, yeah.
I did.
I resent that, actually, cos I did make it very clear to you.
I came in, right, and I remember you wrote it down on a little, um on a Post-it Note thing, and you stuck it on your I expect someone did tidy it away, but it doesn't matter.
The point is that LAUGHTER .
.
the parameters of my requirements are very narrow, and there's very little point you phoning unlessyou phoning me up unless the property meets those LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah, about half of the audience.
LOUD LAUGHTER Well, moremore now, yeah.
I don't know why.
It did feel like it was touch and go, yeah, but LAUGHTER Yeah, I think it's worth persisting with.
I don't LAUGHTER, ONE MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY There's some people that really like it.
LAUGHTER No.
LAUGHTER Well, I He says that he would have, er LAUGHTER He says he would have bailed out of this bit, er, on the phrase "visible otters".
LAUGHTER It is It is a strong laugh point, but, yeah, I think it's worth What What will the people at home make of it? I've absolutely no idea.
I mean, I think I think it's the sort of thing that if you're in the room it can be quite exciting, but I Watching this at home I imagine would be terribly tedious.
LAUGHTER He's reminded me that, er in episode one of the first series, during a similar bit about rappers, um MAN CHEERS .
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audience feedback shows that 300,000 viewers turned off.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah Well, you know.
Fuck 'em, that's what I say.
I know that's not really CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's not for them.
It's not for them, that's why it's on later at night now.
The idea is we don't have to compete against actual entertainment.
LAUGHTER I think "self-indulgent" is a pejorative term.
I think It's a very LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a very thin line, I think, between, um .
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something, you know, that's really taken off and, er There's some people on my right, up on the balcony bit, that have only just started liking it LAUGHTER .
.
soyou know.
It just goes to show, doesn't it? We're always Well, people enjoy things at their own pace, don't they? It's not for me to dictate to people where they should laugh, if at all, I feel.
CHUCKLING: No, I'm just What? Yeah, it's tailing off now.
I mean LAUGHTER Although, to be fair, your input hasn't been .
.
spectacular, has it? I can only I can only come off the back of what you what you say.
You haven't given me anything to work with.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER About a quarter of them find that funny, which is LAUGHTER About a quarter of the people in the room find the idea that I would blame you LAUGHTER .
.
an imaginary character, for the flagging of this routine when you're clearly a figment of my imagination.
Whereas, there are a number of people at home watching this, thinking, "That guy's so rubbish, he's blaming the bloke on the phone!" There's that great bit where you're on the phone, pretending to be on the phone to an estate agent, and then itit sort of, um, moves outside of itself as a conversation Yeah.
.
.
to become a commentary on what it is you're doing.
It was a great bit, but I found it awful, um, because it seemed to me to beindicating that there was a substantial lack of material in this week's show, that you had to somehow contrive to fill.
Well, I find that quite offensive because, um No Well, I did too.
I know.
Well, people say there's a lack of material, what they mean is, were there lots of different words and lots of different ideas in it, and were there lots of jokes? No, there weren't any of those things.
No.
Was there a variety of thought and style? No.
No, there wasn't, right, but what there was, was there was one thing for a long time.
When that thing was finished, I think people would think, "Well, I've certainly seen that now.
" MUSIC: "In The Country" by Cliff Richard And The Shadows When the world in which you're living Gets a bit too much to bear And you need someone to lean on When you look there's no-one there You're gonna find me Out in the country You're gonna find me Way out in the country Where the air is good And the day is fine And the pretty girl has her hand in mine And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country If you're walking in the city And you're feeling rather small And the people on the sidewalk Seem to form a solid wall You're gonna find me Hey! Out in the country You're gonna find me Yeah! Out in the country Where the air is good GUNSHO # And the day is fine And the pretty girl GUNSHO Has her hand in mine SHOOTING CONTINUES And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country Hurry, hurry, hurry For the time is slipping by You don't need a ticket It belongs to you and I Come on and join me Hey! Out in the country Where the air is good And the day is fine And the pretty girl has her hand in mine And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country Well, if you want my honest opinion the problem is, right, it's not really gone quite well enough to really say it's been a success LAUGHTER .
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but it's never quite gone badly enough to stop doing it.
LAUGHTER What am I doing now? I've got my back to them.
LAUGHTER I know, and yet it's going better than it was when I was facing them.
What's this about? Living in the town or the country.
One of the conditions of getting a second series was that I do more accessible stuff, and I thought, "Well, everyone lives somewhere, don't they?" They either live in the country or the town, so everyone's going to relate to it on some level.
No-one doesn't live anywhere.
It's very stressful living in London.
There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now.
You've seen them, er on adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I-R-O-N-I-K was how he'd spelt it.
And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets.
He was a tweeter and, er one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er LAUGHTER the past tense of tweet.
One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house.
And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
Very stressful though, city life.
It's amazing what you get used to, isn't it? There was a film earlier last year, one of these films that they have now.
You've seen these films at the pictures, Saturday morning.
And the film Kick-Arse, I don't know if you saw that.
Kick-Arse.
And the young people were very excited about the film Kick-Arse because in the film Kick-Arse, there was a scene where you could see a 12-year-old girl use the word "cunt", which is the C-word, isn't it? LAUGHTER Urgh! Now LAUGHTER .
.
where I live in Hackney I can see that any day of the week.
In fact, only this morning on the 73 bus, I saw a 12-year-old girl call someone a cunt, although, to be fair, there were mitigating circumstances - her daughter was being extremely annoying.
LAUGHTER Did you like that joke? Did you like that joke? I didn't.
I'm ashamed of it, to be honest.
I'm ashamed of having thought of that joke, although I have been advised that I might be able to sell that joke to Frankie Boyle's Tramadol Nights.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Apparently it has the requisite level of contempt for vulnerable people LAUGHTER .
.
or "edge", as it's known at Channel 4.
You've had the response to the first show.
Has that been good? Some of those online comments can be quite offensive.
They can be quite offensive, yeah.
I mean, you couldn't make them up.
"Stewart Lee" It says here, "Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle.
"That's rubbish, it contains neither comedy nor cars.
" Mmm.
"Stewart Lee, "why should I listen to the ramblings of a misshapen bin bag of a man?" And that was from, er, Mark Thompson, the Director-General of the BBC.
Very stressful, living in the city.
Where I live in Hackney, we used to be frightened of crime and pollution.
Now we're frightened of foxes.
You saw that last year, apparently a fox overpowered and harmed a Hackney child.
I don't believe that.
I don't believe I don't believe that a fox overpowered and harmed a Hackney child because all Hackney children are armed.
LAUGHTER It was the case, though.
Apparently they say that the fox was attracted by the smell of excrement, which was in the little baby's pants.
That's what attracts the foxes, ladies and gentlemen - human excrement.
What that means is most of us have nothing to fear from fox attack unless we're tiny babies, incontinent adults, or the former Liberal Democrat MP Mark Oaten.
LAUGHTER Er, a strong take-up for that joke from the, er, the sassy, metropolitan audience, but doubtless there's many of you at home going, "I don't understand.
I don't get that.
"I don't get that Mark Oaten reference.
Oh, well.
" Unfortunately, viewers at home, I'm not able to explain to you, er, that Mark Oaten reference because to do so, apparently, legally, that would count as defecation of character.
LAUGHTER Very stressful, isn't it, living in theliving in the city? Round here, our main worry as sort of middle-aged parents is schools, the schools thing.
You know, there's one school round here that everyone is trying to get their kids in.
People do anything to get into the good schools.
They'll fake their address to be in a particular catchment area, people, er, check the distance to schools with pedometers from their homes, people bribe crows to fly by more direct routes LAUGHTER .
.
to schools that have done particularly well in the Ofsted results.
There was even a thing where some of the young mums were actually disguising themselves as schoolgirls, as their own daughters, so they could go and sit the exams to get into the good, posh girls' schools.
Amazing, isn't it? A friend of mine, Ian, he's a single parent, but he wanted to give his daughter the best possible chance.
Um, now she's in care and he's on the sex offenders register.
LAUGHTER It is very stressful, the schools thing.
I mean, for example, there's one school round us everyone's trying to get their kids into, the one good school, and I didn't know until one of the other dads told me about this at playgroup, the way you actually get your kids on the list for that school is that your wife has to sleep with the chairman of the governors there.
I know, I don't think it's right, but, er what can you do? You know, what can you do? It's their future, isn't it? So, er Well, I drove around to, umhis house and, er a guy came out.
He was very business-like about it, you know, and then I I went back later and I picked her up and we've tried not to talk about it.
LAUGHTER I suppose it's all right.
LAUGHTER I don't think there was any need to film it and upload it to the web, though.
The guy's got a website - Ofsted Sluts.
LAUGHTER You know, they're not sluts, are they? They're just women that want the best for their kids.
I don't see I saw the guy in the street, actually.
I said, "Oh, it's me," and he went, "Sorry?" and I went, "You had sex with my wife.
" He went, "Oh, yeah, for the school thing.
" "We were trying to get our daughter "in the school," and he went, "Yeah, I know.
" He said, "It doesn't guarantee her a place, you know.
" LAUGHTER I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "I can assure you your wife's performance will be rigorously assessed.
" I said, "What do you mean, rigorously assessed?" He said, "I'll be using a pedometer.
" LAUGHTER Now even in this room .
.
there's only a few people laughing at that, but I think it's very much a joke You'd have to be a middle-aged person with kids, really, to get that.
That was a reference to the pedometers being used for, um, for schools.
I think, you know, it's not for younger people, that bit of material, but if you are young, if you're under 40, you know, why are you watching this, really? It's not for you, is it? Just a bloke talking about stuff.
You've got your own things, haven't you? You've got your own things.
You've got, er Call Of Duty 2.
And BBC Three, you're supposed to watch BBC Three.
There's allfast music on there and .
.
lots of comedians called Russell all jumping about LAUGHTER .
.
talking about nunchuckers and grimestep, and it's not for you.
It's not aimed at you, is it? But, you know, if you are If you are under 40, then material about having children is irrelevant to you anyway because no-one under 40 is going to have kids in this country ever again, because everyone under 40's grown up thinking that internet pornography is normal sex.
LAUGHTER If you're a young woman watching this, and you're trying to get pregnant, it won't happen if 11 men stand round you in a ring LAUGHTER .
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directing their .
.
attention LAUGHTER .
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to your face .
.
whilst casting doubt on your virtue LAUGHTER .
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in guttural American accents.
A lot of your cultural references are to things that people don't really care about now anyway.
Well, I think the show's for older people.
They still like a laugh, they like a bit of the comedy, but they have to stay in mainly.
But it's a sort of very specific type of audience you're after, because you're after someone who has a a good memory of things from long ago so they can relate to some of the references, ut also a very short-term memory loss, so they don't get bothered by the fact that you repeat yourself again and again.
So you're looking for a cross between an elephant and a goldfish.
It's very stressful, isn't it, the schools thing in the cities? A friend of mine, he had a little girl and, um, it turned out that she was dyslexic and they were worried about how she would thrive in the oversubscribed inner-city school system, so they actually sold up and they left London and they went to live in the countryside, and the little girl went to school in the countryside, and she's grown up to be a racist LAUGHTER .
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who can spell.
That's the main thing, isn't it? A spelling racist.
I don't know what I don't know what it's like where you are.
Where I am, all the middle-aged, middle-class parents, "We're leaving the city, we're going to the countryside.
" They get to the countryside and realise there's nothing to do in the countryside and they're absolutely bored out of their minds.
Every day the same thing - they walk out of the house, they walk to the field behind the house and theythey look at the horse that lives in the field behind the house and they go, "Ooh, there's the horse.
" LAUGHTER "He's over there.
"He was over there yesterday.
"He's moved around.
" And they walk back to the house and they argue and argue and argue cos there's nothing to do, and the marriage starts to unravel and they look for some kind of distraction, but there isn't one because they live in the countryside, and in the countryside you have to book two months in advance to get a table at Bella Pasta.
LAUGHTER And there's no cultural life in the countryside.
I mean, there's nothing There's no places like this, with stuff happening, is there? There's nothing.
All there is in the countryside is is a Corn Exchange in a market town 50 miles away.
There's only three shows on all year, but despite that, they've got a Lottery-funded lighting rig the size of Wembley Stadium.
In February there's a pop concert at the Corn Exchange with a brother-sister duo who once nearly won X Factor, whose act appears to consist of a tense and unconsummated incestuous display LAUGHTER .
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and as such is accepted as normal in your region.
LAUGHTER Second show of the year at the Corn Exchange in the market town.
In the summertime, there's a light-hearted evening with 4 Poofs And A Piano, whose name makes their act sound better than it is.
LAUGHTER And in the run-up to Christmas at the Corn Exchange in the market town, there's a comedy night and the bloke from Max And Paddy is coming.
LAUGHTER Not Peter Kay, though.
LAUGHTER You'd think it was Peter Kay from the advertising, but it's misleading, it's notit's not Peter Kay, it's the other bloke from Max And Paddy.
Paddy.
LAUGHTER Paddy McGuinness.
Paddy Paddy McGuinness is coming.
LAUGHTER Paddy McGuinness is comingto the Corn Exchange LAUGHTER .
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in the market town in the countryside at Christmas with his joke.
LAUGHTER And the 40-something parents that've moved to the countryside, you'd run into them somewhere.
They're desperate, haunted, mad figures.
"Come and stay, Stew.
Come and stay in the countryside.
We'd love to see you.
"Come and stay.
It's great.
"Come and Come and see us in the countryside.
"Yeah, you can have a spare room.
"We've got two rooms, you can have another You can have two rooms.
"There's an outbuilding you can No-one's seen it or ever been in that.
"It's been converted, so you can go in there and "Come and stay, Stew.
It'll be great to see you in There's loads to do, Stew.
"There's There is.
There's, er "There's a field and there's athere's a horse there, "and you can lookyou can look at him.
" LAUGHTER "There's a Bella Pasta, but you won't be able to" LAUGHTER "Come and Come and stay.
We'd love to see you.
Come and "Come and stay in the country, yeah, andif you're coming, "er, could "If you're coming, would youwould you be able to "just, er "Could you just Would you still see, er "Can you bring some coke?" LAUGHTER "Come and Come and see us.
Come and Come to the countryside and, er "We'd love to see you.
All of you, come and stay and, er "It's It's not London, Stew, but there are things on.
"There's, er "Well, there's a Corn Exchange in thein the market town.
"Actually, when you're coming "the, er, the bloke from "the bloke from Max And Paddy's coming.
"I expect it is Peter Kay because" LAUGHTER "I know it isn't, no, um "Well, we could go "and, no, I know, well "Ercome and stay anyway, it'd be great to see you.
"We don't have to We can "Come and Come and stay and, er "Do you still Could you Do you still see, er "Would youbring some coke?" LAUGHTER HE SIGHS ("Come and stay!") LAUGHTER "We We need you to come.
"Come and "Come andin the country.
It's like the "There's a horse.
" LAUGHTER "There's a horse in a field, Stew.
"And there's a horse.
You can "Sometimes another horse comes, Stew.
" LAUGHTER "There's two horses in the" Are Are there two horses? "No, I lied.
" LAUGHTER "II lied to make you come ".
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to the country There's one horse.
"There's one horse, though.
" Is there? Is there one horse? "No, it died.
" LAUGHTER "It committed suicide, Stew.
" LAUGHTER "Paddy McGuinness is coming.
"Somebody put a poster on a tree in the horse's field.
" LAUGHTER LAUGHTER CONTINUES "He must have seen it.
" LAUGHTER "And he went over to the barbed-wire fence and he.
"he rubbed his neck up and down on it.
" LAUGHTER "The The vet said it would have taken him four hours to die.
" LAUGHTER "But he was determined, Stew.
"He knew what the alternative was.
"Who would do that, Stew, to a horse, "make them think they would have to see Paddy McGuinness? "Who would do that?! "Ugh, come and stay, please! "Comeandbring some coke.
"Bring some SHOUTING: "Bring a gun! "Shoot me in the face! Kill me! "Kill my wife, kill the children, "kill the dog, kill the cat, kill the hamster Kill us! "Kill! Kill us! Burn the house down, Stew! Set fire to it! Drag our bodies "onto the burning wreckage and let the smoke rise high into the sky "as a warning no-one must come here! No-one! To the countryside! No!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I thought about moving to the countryside, though.
I believed the horse killing itself, I believed the burning the house down, killing all the kids and so on.
What I don't believe is them ringing, saying, "Can you come and stay with us?" I really don't believe that.
No, well, that was the bit I had to make up.
Um, no-one's asked me to go and stay with them, and I think that partly explains, er the viciousness of the piece.
It's, er, really born out of envy and jealousy.
You know, I'd love to be out there in the countryside staying with those people, but they don't want me to go.
In fact, I say to people, "Why did you leave the town?" They go, "Cos you were there.
" I saw this house advertised online round the Welsh Borders and I could have afforded it.
And it said, um It said it had a garden.
I haven't got a garden where I live in London.
Er, it said it had a river running through the garden.
I hadn't got a river running through the gar I hadn't got a garden! LAUGHTER You can't have a river without, er, some containing land.
LAUGHTER That's just precipitation.
LAUGHTER And at the bottom of the page, the estate agent had put, "From the kitchen window you can see otters.
" LAUGHTER I thought, "Yeah, otters.
"That raises the bar, doesn't it?" LAUGHTER "We've got a lovely property you might be interested in, Mr Lee.
" Are there LAUGHTER .
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visible otters? LAUGHTER No.
What? I am Well, I am disappointed, to be honest, because Well, if you remember, when I first came in, I Hang on, I did.
I made it very clear to you that, er I can't really start the day unless, er .
.
I've seen some otters.
LAUGHTER Well, ideally through a kitchen window.
LAUGHTER It's none of your business, to be honest, why the I'm not beingobtuse, it's a medical Well, it's an allergy if you must know, so To non-otters.
LAUGHTER Of which there are many, you're right, yeah.
I did.
I resent that, actually, cos I did make it very clear to you.
I came in, right, and I remember you wrote it down on a little, um on a Post-it Note thing, and you stuck it on your I expect someone did tidy it away, but it doesn't matter.
The point is that LAUGHTER .
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the parameters of my requirements are very narrow, and there's very little point you phoning unlessyou phoning me up unless the property meets those LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Yeah, about half of the audience.
LOUD LAUGHTER Well, moremore now, yeah.
I don't know why.
It did feel like it was touch and go, yeah, but LAUGHTER Yeah, I think it's worth persisting with.
I don't LAUGHTER, ONE MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY There's some people that really like it.
LAUGHTER No.
LAUGHTER Well, I He says that he would have, er LAUGHTER He says he would have bailed out of this bit, er, on the phrase "visible otters".
LAUGHTER It is It is a strong laugh point, but, yeah, I think it's worth What What will the people at home make of it? I've absolutely no idea.
I mean, I think I think it's the sort of thing that if you're in the room it can be quite exciting, but I Watching this at home I imagine would be terribly tedious.
LAUGHTER He's reminded me that, er in episode one of the first series, during a similar bit about rappers, um MAN CHEERS .
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audience feedback shows that 300,000 viewers turned off.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah Well, you know.
Fuck 'em, that's what I say.
I know that's not really CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's not for them.
It's not for them, that's why it's on later at night now.
The idea is we don't have to compete against actual entertainment.
LAUGHTER I think "self-indulgent" is a pejorative term.
I think It's a very LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's a very thin line, I think, between, um .
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something, you know, that's really taken off and, er There's some people on my right, up on the balcony bit, that have only just started liking it LAUGHTER .
.
soyou know.
It just goes to show, doesn't it? We're always Well, people enjoy things at their own pace, don't they? It's not for me to dictate to people where they should laugh, if at all, I feel.
CHUCKLING: No, I'm just What? Yeah, it's tailing off now.
I mean LAUGHTER Although, to be fair, your input hasn't been .
.
spectacular, has it? I can only I can only come off the back of what you what you say.
You haven't given me anything to work with.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER About a quarter of them find that funny, which is LAUGHTER About a quarter of the people in the room find the idea that I would blame you LAUGHTER .
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an imaginary character, for the flagging of this routine when you're clearly a figment of my imagination.
Whereas, there are a number of people at home watching this, thinking, "That guy's so rubbish, he's blaming the bloke on the phone!" There's that great bit where you're on the phone, pretending to be on the phone to an estate agent, and then itit sort of, um, moves outside of itself as a conversation Yeah.
.
.
to become a commentary on what it is you're doing.
It was a great bit, but I found it awful, um, because it seemed to me to beindicating that there was a substantial lack of material in this week's show, that you had to somehow contrive to fill.
Well, I find that quite offensive because, um No Well, I did too.
I know.
Well, people say there's a lack of material, what they mean is, were there lots of different words and lots of different ideas in it, and were there lots of jokes? No, there weren't any of those things.
No.
Was there a variety of thought and style? No.
No, there wasn't, right, but what there was, was there was one thing for a long time.
When that thing was finished, I think people would think, "Well, I've certainly seen that now.
" MUSIC: "In The Country" by Cliff Richard And The Shadows When the world in which you're living Gets a bit too much to bear And you need someone to lean on When you look there's no-one there You're gonna find me Out in the country You're gonna find me Way out in the country Where the air is good And the day is fine And the pretty girl has her hand in mine And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country If you're walking in the city And you're feeling rather small And the people on the sidewalk Seem to form a solid wall You're gonna find me Hey! Out in the country You're gonna find me Yeah! Out in the country Where the air is good GUNSHO # And the day is fine And the pretty girl GUNSHO Has her hand in mine SHOOTING CONTINUES And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country Hurry, hurry, hurry For the time is slipping by You don't need a ticket It belongs to you and I Come on and join me Hey! Out in the country Where the air is good And the day is fine And the pretty girl has her hand in mine And the silver stream is the poor man's wine In the country In the country Well, if you want my honest opinion the problem is, right, it's not really gone quite well enough to really say it's been a success LAUGHTER .
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but it's never quite gone badly enough to stop doing it.
LAUGHTER What am I doing now? I've got my back to them.
LAUGHTER I know, and yet it's going better than it was when I was facing them.