SuperMansion (2015) s02e02 Episode Script
School Me Once
[disco music plays.]
Give it up, Spanglish.
You've got nowhere to go.
Just like nuestra cumunidad doesn't have anywhere to go si todos nosotros no, at least halfway aprender Español.
I can't fully understand what you're saying! Claro que si.
That is the power of Spanglish! Also this.
- This is gonna be fun.
- Rex! Stop! Portia Jones? When I called for backup, I was not referring to the League's secretary.
Call Zenith.
That's what you're here for.
But if you read my dossier, I think you'd agree you're walking into a trap.
I skimmed it.
Bilingual guy, pistolero.
I think I got this one.
[explosions.]
See you en la mañana, butthole! - I tried to warn you.
- Not now, Portia.
Call Zenith! You've got to start reading those dossiers.
I've got a Harvard degree.
I don't need your resume.
I need Zenith! Stayed up all night working on that thing.
[heroic music.]
Who calls forth the hand of Zenith, the Earthmother? Me, goddamn it! Rex, you squeal like a Hothsband Hog.
By the Jaundiced Jowls of Bakarath! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I've got concrete dust in my eyes.
[laughs.]
Indeed you did! [grunts.]
Spanglish got away.
Portia's gonna have something to say about that.
The mortal I am foreswoothed to always does, doesn't she? If she could turn those etherous words into gold, she'd be the richest woman in the world.
[laughing.]
[up-tempo music plays.]
It's time we talked about the titanium elephant in the room: Titanium Rex! [audience booing.]
I know, I've talked about him in the past.
How I felt unappreciated, huh? Used.
Uh-huh.
Taken for granted.
[loud booing.]
But I left the League a long time ago to start a little show.
[audience applauding, cheering.]
And even though Rex never did appear as a guest, I'm not here to make him look bad.
Unh-unh.
He's doing that all on his own.
[laughs.]
Come on y'all! It's time to have All: "A Talk in the Clouds"! Portia: Sit back and relax as we take a look back at some of Rex's biggest blunders.
[TV shuts off.]
Rex, you have to get up sometime.
Oh, what's the point? The public hates me, the Senate is slashing our budget, and now even Portia Jones is moving in for the kill.
If only you had known she would become an adored multimedia powerhouse.
Perhaps you should've never let her leave the team.
"Never let her leave the team.
" Jewbot, you just gave me a brilliant idea! I should hope so.
I wasn't very subtle.
Gather the team.
We don't have a second to waste.
And how are we feeling about pants? Cool to waste a few seconds on pants? Yeah, probably should.
2x02 - School Me Once [chanting.]
Down with the League! Rex unfit to lead! Looks like everyone's still sore we almost let Dr.
Devizo blow up the planet.
I don't think they're leaving.
Some of those sons of bitches are tailgating.
That doesn't matter, Cooch.
Soon they're gonna be cheering our names, because I've got a plan.
Portia Jones? Her talk show comes on right between "Dance Hoarders" and "Keeping Up with the Skarsgards"! More importantly, Zenith used to be a member of the League.
It wouldn't kill you guys to brush up on your history.
Sorry, Rex.
We're too busy making it.
God, is this [bleep.]
thing welded shut? Goddamn mother[bleep.]
! [bleep.]
! Yeah, moving on.
If I can get Zenith to rejoin the League, the public will eat it up with a spoon.
It would be nice to have another minority on the team.
A little diversity never hurt anyone.
Uh, I don't know about that, but we are down a member.
And all we got out of the new candidates were a series of hazing lawsuits.
- Thank you so much, Black Saturn.
- We don't want no scrubs.
- How do we bag this prize, Rex? - Portia's getting an honorary degree from Champston University this weekend.
- Champston? My alma matter! - Mine, too! Wha You earned a degree from Champston? Bought more like it, but it's hard to earn anything when you party like I did.
Uh, yeah.
I was in a frat, big time.
I think joining a pack is for dogs and insecure buttholes.
Yeah, well, anyway.
What do you say, team? Ready to go back to school? [up-tempo music plays.]
[chattering.]
Ranger: This doesn't look like the university I know.
Where's the statue of Lord Champston serving as a beacon of education and hope? It says here he was an early pioneer of immigration reform.
He patrolled Ellis Island, detouring immigrant ships to a nearby leper colony.
According to legend, he died hunting the mythical Hellcat, most likely a hallucination brought on by adult-onset gonorrhea.
They made the Hellcat the mascot? Portia's ceremony starts in an hour, so we should get going.
Ooh! Rex, would love to, but if my frat brothers found out I didn't swing by and say hello, they'd just shit.
May I accompany you? I have always wanted to study a pseudo-brotherhood of highly hormonal males.
Well, I guess if you stay out of trouble, you Oh, they're not asking for permission.
Spectacular.
Hey, you know, maybe we're taking this public backlash thing too seriously.
I mean, I don't see anyone Man: Hey, fascists! You almost killed the planet! Oh! Son of a bitch! [forced chuckle.]
Kids, huh? I'm over 18.
That's an adult opinion.
Put it up.
Uh-huh.
Roof up, roof up.
Roof up.
Here comes the big finish, and a spliiiiiiit.
- [mild applause.]
Splits.
- What poppycockery is this? Surely this isn't what passes for cheer-craft these days.
I am shocked you have an opinion on cheer-craft.
Well, I do, Rex! As Champston's former varsity cheer master, I do, indeed.
- Great job, Chester.
- And you'll speed up those splits - for the upcoming pep rally? - You have my word.
Rah, rah, rah! Slikkity bah! Ski-u-mah and a hoo-hoo-rah! Goooo, Champston, go! That, gentlemen, is how cheers are led.
Sir, these are the mascot tryouts.
M-Mascot? Cheerleading's drunk uncle! Chester, I would like to say that, like your father and your grandfather before you, you're going to make one hell of a Hellcat.
I mean, seriously, the only thing that could possibly be better would be an actual human-sized cat.
[laughing.]
Like that? [purrs.]
What's everyone looking at? Ma'am, make my entire life in one instant and tell me that you're here to try out.
Oh, hell, no.
I'm just here Whoa! Whoa! - She's got dem moves.
- And dem splits.
Now, that's a real Hellcat.
- What'd you call me? - Agile, magnificent, real.
Also, the new mascot of Champston U.
- What? - Sorry, Chester.
- She's a real cat, Chester.
- You heard what I just said about that, Chester.
You have no idea what you've done.
- Your splits were glacial, Chester.
- They were shit splits, Chester.
Well, guess I'm doing this now.
You got benefits? - We'll give you a T-shirt gun.
- I already got one.
- Then we'll give you a reason to use it.
- Hmm.
These guys are gonna freak when they see an alum coming through the door.
Whoo-hoo! It is good to be back! Keg stand! Oh, uh, ooh! Ow! [coughs.]
What the hell, guys? In my day, Teddy Two Deuce would've had your sack for botching a stand like that! Why is Black Saturn in our house? Does this answer your question? [grunting.]
That's right, you son of a bitch.
Black Saturn is a Delta G Theta, class of '08.
'08?! May they forever live in shame! Some dickhead from that class got our charter pulled.
Dude, that was me! I snuck into the dean's office and took a classic dump on his desk.
That would do it.
- Your whole class was given Frat Rat status.
- What? Oh! Noooooo! You're the reason the dean cut the Ultimate Frisbee program.
You got to go, dude.
We have to stay off the dean's radar if we're gonna raise the Delta Gamma Theta flag at the pep rally today.
- Oh, I want to help! - No way! That's for brothers and pledges only.
What's your story? I'm here to study homo-social bonding in hopes that I might find a brother someday.
But we've only made a mess.
Allow me to clean up.
- Whoa! - Whoa.
We got ourselves a rainmaker.
Ms.
Jones, you're on in five.
I hear that, honey.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sor Portia! Portia Jones.
What are you doing here? We both know why I'm here.
You, on the other hand Okay, you got me.
I don't know if you heard, - but there's an opening on the League.
- Ha! - What? - The public's calling for your head, - and you think I can call them off.
- You see? That's why we need you.
You're smart.
- You are so - Titanium Rex! Holy "F"! You are my childhood hero, bro! I used to tie a green blanket around my neck and punch my sister in the nose.
Blood, like, everywhere.
[laughs.]
Cool.
And And you are? - Portia's slam piece.
- Sweetie pie, why don't you go get a I was working as a valet at P.
F.
Chang's sweet gig, make your own hours and then this one clops in.
- Courtney.
- Babe, I'm talking.
I tried to give her her keys, and she told me to stay in the driver's seat 'cause I was taking her home.
In a way, you could say that that valet ticket was actually a winning lottery ticket.
[chuckles.]
For her, for her.
- Courtney! - Take a joke, babe.
Rex gets it.
- I get it.
- Hey, I'll catch you later.
- I got to go make a squat brat.
- Oh, God.
Excuse me, ma'am, where's the shit closet? - Courtney! - [laughs.]
He's great.
I work hard, Rex.
When I get home, I just want to - Courtney.
Yeah, I get it.
- Good.
Look, you had your chance to be in the Portia Jones business.
The answer is no.
End of talk.
Goodbye.
[music.]
[hip hop music playing.]
- Hey, there, Hellcat.
- Somebody say my name? - High five! - Make it two, my man.
What would you do to the Youngman U Flappy Bird - if he was here right now? - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe something like "What you doing there, Flappy B? You stumbled into Champston, did you? "Well, here's what I have to say about that.
"Say my name, Flappy B! Come on, Flappy B!" Dear God! Whatever happened to good old "Raise that score, raise that score, come on, team, one point more"? Does no one appreciate tradition and good old American values? Trio: Hello, gorgeous.
And so I accept this honorary degree on behalf of all - the great voices waiting to be - Excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
Move Someone want to tell me what the hell's going on out there? Uh, just a quick question, if I may.
Titanium Rex, everyone.
My old boss.
[booing.]
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to ask if you ever had any regrets giving up your life as a superhero? I think I've done pretty well for myself.
[audience laughs.]
But do you ever miss making an actual difference? I had a colonoscopy on national television.
Probably saved a million lives right there.
That's heroism.
Do you think Zenith would agree with you? - I wouldn't know.
- Well, why don't we ask? What would be wrong with that, letting Zenith out for a bit? Wouldn't we all like that? [applause, cheers.]
Game on, mother [bleep.]
.
[laughs.]
Do it again.
All right.
J.
J.
's right eye sits 3.
2 millimeters below his left.
His nose sits off axis by 32 degrees, and his lips contain many future cold sores.
- Come on! Don't hold back.
- Yeah, it's herpes.
- Burn.
- You're the best, Jewbot.
Does does this mean we are brothers? I would be honored to call you my brother.
- Guys, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
- Crying.
Shut up, dude! [sighs.]
I've been doing a lot of cry-thinking.
Let me pledge again! - It'll be like a do-over! [crying.]
- Okay, yeah.
You want to pledge? Yeah, let's see if you have what it takes.
Oh Oh God.
Thank you.
I- I'll do anything.
Jake, grab those two 40s and some duct tape.
Edward 40 Hands? Ha! Nice try.
I was born with forties taped to my hands.
Okay.
Grab two tubs of thousand island dressing from the kitchen.
Edward Thousand Island Dressing Hands? Wait.
- Get to it, scrub! - No, no! While our pledge does that, how about you try one of these on for size? - What? - Keep drinking! Hey, babe, over here! We've got to eat fast.
The pep rally starts soon.
Mwah! Can you believe that Rex? - Totally.
He's right here.
- Uh, hi.
This must be a degree in proctology, because I'm looking at a real asshole.
Wow, that was harsh.
I guess I should go.
What? No! Come on, babe.
- I told Rex I'd buy him lunch.
Can I? - Fine.
Why, thank you, Courtney.
I'm so glad I ran into you on the quad completely by accident.
- Here's your pizza.
- Let's save ourselves some time here.
- I'm not joining your team.
- Portia, I promise you! I-I-I won't make it about Zenith, okay? I'll listen to every word you have to say.
Really? Let's put that to the test.
Come on my show, do an interview, shoot some tears.
I'll turn the public on a dime.
We both win, Rex.
I'm not sitting down and crying like those other losers.
"Oh, my daddy took away my binky.
Have you seen my binky?" That's the dumbest idea I have ever heard! You just proved my point.
You didn't respect my opinion then, and you don't respect it now, and I didn't see it coming, but it hurts just as bad now as it did then.
[eating happily.]
- I think you should probably follow her.
- Really? Shit.
Welcome home, Ranger.
Lord Champston.
He represented everything good about this university.
Free exchange of ideas and a healthy distrust of immigrants.
And ever since that gonorrhea dream, Vinnie the Hellcat, took over as mascot, our school has gone downhill fast.
Perhaps it's time for Lord Champston to sail once more.
Chester: Grandpa, it's Chester.
Um - I didn't get it.
- Grandpa: How was your middle split? It it was fine.
It was too slow, wasn't it? You failed us, Chester.
You were destined to be the Champston U Hellcat.
Your ancestors were run aground by Lord Champston's ship.
We made a deal with the devil that day.
You have sealed your fate.
[wind whistles sharply.]
Grandpa, you're scaring me.
[on phone.]
Brutum Fulmen, carthago delenda, ridendo mores.
- Stop it! - [on phone.]
Brutum Fulmen, - ridendo mores.
- No, no, no, no, no! [howling.]
Whoo! Please welcome our homecoming marshal, Portia Jones! Thank you, Dean Wurthers.
I can't say this is the first time I've been called a hellcat.
[crowd laughs.]
But it pales in comparison with being called a Champston Hellcat! Hey-hey! [crowd cheers.]
When I say "T-shirt," you say "T-shirt.
" T- shirt! - T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! - Crowd: T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! - T-shirt! - Where is this going? Once we plant this flag in your ham flower, - you strut around like a peacock.
- Do it! I'm ready! - Jewbot, do the honors.
- What? Being part of a frat means doing what's right for the brotherhood.
And does that usually involve butt stuff? - Eh, an awful lot of the time, yeah.
- Ooh.
Rex, what up, my playa? Just checking in on Portia.
I worry about her.
It It can't be good to keep all that power bottled up inside, all that pent-up frustration.
Don't worry, dude.
She works it out on my wang.
Courtney, I swear to God, shut the [bleep.]
up! [crowd booing.]
I'm kicking ass, dudes.
Stand down, Cooch! Hoopla, hoopla, who'd I hear? The great Lord Champston, this I swear! Rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat-tat! - I'll take the skin off of any Hellcat! - What are you doing, man? I owe it to the legacy of the great Lord Champston to take back the school that bears his name.
Oh, really? [crowd gasps.]
[roars.]
The Hellcat is real! It wasn't just a crotch rot-induced hallucination.
- What did you do, Chester? - You read from the ancient text, Chester.
In the name of Lord Champston, prepare to be struck down, foul beast! Two, four, six, eight, welcome to the United States! What on God's earth is that stench? Smells like Cuban, Danes, and French! [roars.]
Hit it! [funky music playing.]
We've got to go now! They're stealing the spotlight! You did want to find your brothers, right? Uh Uh [screams.]
Oh! Oh! [gasps.]
- Wait, I can't do this.
- What? - Yeah, what? - You talk of brotherhood, but all I've seen is binge drinking and an alarming amount of ass play.
If this is brotherhood, well, then, brother, count me out.
Come on, Saturn.
You couldn't have figured that out five seconds earlier? I'm still in, right, guys? Whoo! Yeah.
Smack it! Yeah! Let me hear it! [laughs, grunts.]
[crowd booing.]
Split.
Your splits are still way too slow, Chester.
You're losing the crowd, Chester.
Man: Where are the [bleep.]
in' T-shirts? Crowd: T-shirts, T-shirts! You're supposed to be watching me! Aah! [meows.]
Shit, I'll never get a T-shirt now.
Portia, people are in danger! Are you just gonna watch? I've got a job.
This is yours.
[shouts.]
[laughs.]
- Rex, no! - Courtney! [roars.]
Why the [bleep.]
did I run out here? Son of a bitch.
Here we go.
[heroic music.]
[laughter.]
[grunts, growls.]
[grunts.]
[yelps.]
Rex, you have not aged well.
Yeah, well, regardless, do you think you can help us out? My staff of power is yours, Rex.
You hear that, League? Regroup and attack! Just taking this back.
[shouts.]
Come on, dudes! I got to get to my rings.
Luckily you're not the only one who can throw a disk.
Come on, boys.
Looks like Ultimate's coming back after all.
[grunting.]
[music.]
Yow! Oh man, I owe you one, Zenith.
I know we haven't met.
The name's Court Aah! Were you ordered to speak, boy man? You really proved yourself out there.
Uh, listen, me and the boys have talked and Here come da soup! [vomits.]
Oh, my God! Your charter is revoked permanently! - Frat Rat for life, you stupid son of a bitch! - Oh, come on.
It takes a big man to admit that he's just had his ass handed to him six ways to Sunday by a kitten.
Look at yourself.
You're a disgrace.
Go on, get! - Aah! Okay! - I don't need you anymore! You go on! Head down the road into whatever sunset you believe in.
Get out of here! Hey, dude, you need a home more than me.
- You be the mascot.
- I got dem moves now.
You really think you're gonna be our mascot, Chester? The cops are on their way, Chester.
You're going away for a long time, Chester.
See ya! Rex, you look as if a live snake sucked blood from your face, hands, and neck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been a while.
But I would like to bring you back permanently as a member of the League.
A noble dream, but how do you so plan to worm-tongue the mortal to which I am thunder-bound? Actually, I think I might know just the ticket.
So, now you see, Portia.
[music.]
Everything we've ever done was in the service of the public, and I, uh [sniffles, sobs.]
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Y'all see what you done to this man? If I can forgive him, we all can.
[audience cheers.]
Which brings me to my next segment.
Which of you mortals would like to learn how to make a Bezorean Blood Cake? With Portia's endorsement pushing the League of Freedom's Q rating back into the black, only one question remains.
Does Zenith's return mean a new member for the League? - Well? - I'm gonna be honest with you, Rex.
After I let Zenith out, I took Courtney home and had the night of my life.
- She slammed me good.
- I'm back on the team! [applause.]
She means Zenith is back on the team, right? Because she is a woman in a pantsuit.
Oh, you don't get Zenith without the Jones, and let's just say I've got some ideas for this team.
Give it up, Spanglish.
You've got nowhere to go.
Just like nuestra cumunidad doesn't have anywhere to go si todos nosotros no, at least halfway aprender Español.
I can't fully understand what you're saying! Claro que si.
That is the power of Spanglish! Also this.
- This is gonna be fun.
- Rex! Stop! Portia Jones? When I called for backup, I was not referring to the League's secretary.
Call Zenith.
That's what you're here for.
But if you read my dossier, I think you'd agree you're walking into a trap.
I skimmed it.
Bilingual guy, pistolero.
I think I got this one.
[explosions.]
See you en la mañana, butthole! - I tried to warn you.
- Not now, Portia.
Call Zenith! You've got to start reading those dossiers.
I've got a Harvard degree.
I don't need your resume.
I need Zenith! Stayed up all night working on that thing.
[heroic music.]
Who calls forth the hand of Zenith, the Earthmother? Me, goddamn it! Rex, you squeal like a Hothsband Hog.
By the Jaundiced Jowls of Bakarath! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! I've got concrete dust in my eyes.
[laughs.]
Indeed you did! [grunts.]
Spanglish got away.
Portia's gonna have something to say about that.
The mortal I am foreswoothed to always does, doesn't she? If she could turn those etherous words into gold, she'd be the richest woman in the world.
[laughing.]
[up-tempo music plays.]
It's time we talked about the titanium elephant in the room: Titanium Rex! [audience booing.]
I know, I've talked about him in the past.
How I felt unappreciated, huh? Used.
Uh-huh.
Taken for granted.
[loud booing.]
But I left the League a long time ago to start a little show.
[audience applauding, cheering.]
And even though Rex never did appear as a guest, I'm not here to make him look bad.
Unh-unh.
He's doing that all on his own.
[laughs.]
Come on y'all! It's time to have All: "A Talk in the Clouds"! Portia: Sit back and relax as we take a look back at some of Rex's biggest blunders.
[TV shuts off.]
Rex, you have to get up sometime.
Oh, what's the point? The public hates me, the Senate is slashing our budget, and now even Portia Jones is moving in for the kill.
If only you had known she would become an adored multimedia powerhouse.
Perhaps you should've never let her leave the team.
"Never let her leave the team.
" Jewbot, you just gave me a brilliant idea! I should hope so.
I wasn't very subtle.
Gather the team.
We don't have a second to waste.
And how are we feeling about pants? Cool to waste a few seconds on pants? Yeah, probably should.
2x02 - School Me Once [chanting.]
Down with the League! Rex unfit to lead! Looks like everyone's still sore we almost let Dr.
Devizo blow up the planet.
I don't think they're leaving.
Some of those sons of bitches are tailgating.
That doesn't matter, Cooch.
Soon they're gonna be cheering our names, because I've got a plan.
Portia Jones? Her talk show comes on right between "Dance Hoarders" and "Keeping Up with the Skarsgards"! More importantly, Zenith used to be a member of the League.
It wouldn't kill you guys to brush up on your history.
Sorry, Rex.
We're too busy making it.
God, is this [bleep.]
thing welded shut? Goddamn mother[bleep.]
! [bleep.]
! Yeah, moving on.
If I can get Zenith to rejoin the League, the public will eat it up with a spoon.
It would be nice to have another minority on the team.
A little diversity never hurt anyone.
Uh, I don't know about that, but we are down a member.
And all we got out of the new candidates were a series of hazing lawsuits.
- Thank you so much, Black Saturn.
- We don't want no scrubs.
- How do we bag this prize, Rex? - Portia's getting an honorary degree from Champston University this weekend.
- Champston? My alma matter! - Mine, too! Wha You earned a degree from Champston? Bought more like it, but it's hard to earn anything when you party like I did.
Uh, yeah.
I was in a frat, big time.
I think joining a pack is for dogs and insecure buttholes.
Yeah, well, anyway.
What do you say, team? Ready to go back to school? [up-tempo music plays.]
[chattering.]
Ranger: This doesn't look like the university I know.
Where's the statue of Lord Champston serving as a beacon of education and hope? It says here he was an early pioneer of immigration reform.
He patrolled Ellis Island, detouring immigrant ships to a nearby leper colony.
According to legend, he died hunting the mythical Hellcat, most likely a hallucination brought on by adult-onset gonorrhea.
They made the Hellcat the mascot? Portia's ceremony starts in an hour, so we should get going.
Ooh! Rex, would love to, but if my frat brothers found out I didn't swing by and say hello, they'd just shit.
May I accompany you? I have always wanted to study a pseudo-brotherhood of highly hormonal males.
Well, I guess if you stay out of trouble, you Oh, they're not asking for permission.
Spectacular.
Hey, you know, maybe we're taking this public backlash thing too seriously.
I mean, I don't see anyone Man: Hey, fascists! You almost killed the planet! Oh! Son of a bitch! [forced chuckle.]
Kids, huh? I'm over 18.
That's an adult opinion.
Put it up.
Uh-huh.
Roof up, roof up.
Roof up.
Here comes the big finish, and a spliiiiiiit.
- [mild applause.]
Splits.
- What poppycockery is this? Surely this isn't what passes for cheer-craft these days.
I am shocked you have an opinion on cheer-craft.
Well, I do, Rex! As Champston's former varsity cheer master, I do, indeed.
- Great job, Chester.
- And you'll speed up those splits - for the upcoming pep rally? - You have my word.
Rah, rah, rah! Slikkity bah! Ski-u-mah and a hoo-hoo-rah! Goooo, Champston, go! That, gentlemen, is how cheers are led.
Sir, these are the mascot tryouts.
M-Mascot? Cheerleading's drunk uncle! Chester, I would like to say that, like your father and your grandfather before you, you're going to make one hell of a Hellcat.
I mean, seriously, the only thing that could possibly be better would be an actual human-sized cat.
[laughing.]
Like that? [purrs.]
What's everyone looking at? Ma'am, make my entire life in one instant and tell me that you're here to try out.
Oh, hell, no.
I'm just here Whoa! Whoa! - She's got dem moves.
- And dem splits.
Now, that's a real Hellcat.
- What'd you call me? - Agile, magnificent, real.
Also, the new mascot of Champston U.
- What? - Sorry, Chester.
- She's a real cat, Chester.
- You heard what I just said about that, Chester.
You have no idea what you've done.
- Your splits were glacial, Chester.
- They were shit splits, Chester.
Well, guess I'm doing this now.
You got benefits? - We'll give you a T-shirt gun.
- I already got one.
- Then we'll give you a reason to use it.
- Hmm.
These guys are gonna freak when they see an alum coming through the door.
Whoo-hoo! It is good to be back! Keg stand! Oh, uh, ooh! Ow! [coughs.]
What the hell, guys? In my day, Teddy Two Deuce would've had your sack for botching a stand like that! Why is Black Saturn in our house? Does this answer your question? [grunting.]
That's right, you son of a bitch.
Black Saturn is a Delta G Theta, class of '08.
'08?! May they forever live in shame! Some dickhead from that class got our charter pulled.
Dude, that was me! I snuck into the dean's office and took a classic dump on his desk.
That would do it.
- Your whole class was given Frat Rat status.
- What? Oh! Noooooo! You're the reason the dean cut the Ultimate Frisbee program.
You got to go, dude.
We have to stay off the dean's radar if we're gonna raise the Delta Gamma Theta flag at the pep rally today.
- Oh, I want to help! - No way! That's for brothers and pledges only.
What's your story? I'm here to study homo-social bonding in hopes that I might find a brother someday.
But we've only made a mess.
Allow me to clean up.
- Whoa! - Whoa.
We got ourselves a rainmaker.
Ms.
Jones, you're on in five.
I hear that, honey.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sor Portia! Portia Jones.
What are you doing here? We both know why I'm here.
You, on the other hand Okay, you got me.
I don't know if you heard, - but there's an opening on the League.
- Ha! - What? - The public's calling for your head, - and you think I can call them off.
- You see? That's why we need you.
You're smart.
- You are so - Titanium Rex! Holy "F"! You are my childhood hero, bro! I used to tie a green blanket around my neck and punch my sister in the nose.
Blood, like, everywhere.
[laughs.]
Cool.
And And you are? - Portia's slam piece.
- Sweetie pie, why don't you go get a I was working as a valet at P.
F.
Chang's sweet gig, make your own hours and then this one clops in.
- Courtney.
- Babe, I'm talking.
I tried to give her her keys, and she told me to stay in the driver's seat 'cause I was taking her home.
In a way, you could say that that valet ticket was actually a winning lottery ticket.
[chuckles.]
For her, for her.
- Courtney! - Take a joke, babe.
Rex gets it.
- I get it.
- Hey, I'll catch you later.
- I got to go make a squat brat.
- Oh, God.
Excuse me, ma'am, where's the shit closet? - Courtney! - [laughs.]
He's great.
I work hard, Rex.
When I get home, I just want to - Courtney.
Yeah, I get it.
- Good.
Look, you had your chance to be in the Portia Jones business.
The answer is no.
End of talk.
Goodbye.
[music.]
[hip hop music playing.]
- Hey, there, Hellcat.
- Somebody say my name? - High five! - Make it two, my man.
What would you do to the Youngman U Flappy Bird - if he was here right now? - Oh, I don't know.
Maybe something like "What you doing there, Flappy B? You stumbled into Champston, did you? "Well, here's what I have to say about that.
"Say my name, Flappy B! Come on, Flappy B!" Dear God! Whatever happened to good old "Raise that score, raise that score, come on, team, one point more"? Does no one appreciate tradition and good old American values? Trio: Hello, gorgeous.
And so I accept this honorary degree on behalf of all - the great voices waiting to be - Excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
Move Someone want to tell me what the hell's going on out there? Uh, just a quick question, if I may.
Titanium Rex, everyone.
My old boss.
[booing.]
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to ask if you ever had any regrets giving up your life as a superhero? I think I've done pretty well for myself.
[audience laughs.]
But do you ever miss making an actual difference? I had a colonoscopy on national television.
Probably saved a million lives right there.
That's heroism.
Do you think Zenith would agree with you? - I wouldn't know.
- Well, why don't we ask? What would be wrong with that, letting Zenith out for a bit? Wouldn't we all like that? [applause, cheers.]
Game on, mother [bleep.]
.
[laughs.]
Do it again.
All right.
J.
J.
's right eye sits 3.
2 millimeters below his left.
His nose sits off axis by 32 degrees, and his lips contain many future cold sores.
- Come on! Don't hold back.
- Yeah, it's herpes.
- Burn.
- You're the best, Jewbot.
Does does this mean we are brothers? I would be honored to call you my brother.
- Guys, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
- Crying.
Shut up, dude! [sighs.]
I've been doing a lot of cry-thinking.
Let me pledge again! - It'll be like a do-over! [crying.]
- Okay, yeah.
You want to pledge? Yeah, let's see if you have what it takes.
Oh Oh God.
Thank you.
I- I'll do anything.
Jake, grab those two 40s and some duct tape.
Edward 40 Hands? Ha! Nice try.
I was born with forties taped to my hands.
Okay.
Grab two tubs of thousand island dressing from the kitchen.
Edward Thousand Island Dressing Hands? Wait.
- Get to it, scrub! - No, no! While our pledge does that, how about you try one of these on for size? - What? - Keep drinking! Hey, babe, over here! We've got to eat fast.
The pep rally starts soon.
Mwah! Can you believe that Rex? - Totally.
He's right here.
- Uh, hi.
This must be a degree in proctology, because I'm looking at a real asshole.
Wow, that was harsh.
I guess I should go.
What? No! Come on, babe.
- I told Rex I'd buy him lunch.
Can I? - Fine.
Why, thank you, Courtney.
I'm so glad I ran into you on the quad completely by accident.
- Here's your pizza.
- Let's save ourselves some time here.
- I'm not joining your team.
- Portia, I promise you! I-I-I won't make it about Zenith, okay? I'll listen to every word you have to say.
Really? Let's put that to the test.
Come on my show, do an interview, shoot some tears.
I'll turn the public on a dime.
We both win, Rex.
I'm not sitting down and crying like those other losers.
"Oh, my daddy took away my binky.
Have you seen my binky?" That's the dumbest idea I have ever heard! You just proved my point.
You didn't respect my opinion then, and you don't respect it now, and I didn't see it coming, but it hurts just as bad now as it did then.
[eating happily.]
- I think you should probably follow her.
- Really? Shit.
Welcome home, Ranger.
Lord Champston.
He represented everything good about this university.
Free exchange of ideas and a healthy distrust of immigrants.
And ever since that gonorrhea dream, Vinnie the Hellcat, took over as mascot, our school has gone downhill fast.
Perhaps it's time for Lord Champston to sail once more.
Chester: Grandpa, it's Chester.
Um - I didn't get it.
- Grandpa: How was your middle split? It it was fine.
It was too slow, wasn't it? You failed us, Chester.
You were destined to be the Champston U Hellcat.
Your ancestors were run aground by Lord Champston's ship.
We made a deal with the devil that day.
You have sealed your fate.
[wind whistles sharply.]
Grandpa, you're scaring me.
[on phone.]
Brutum Fulmen, carthago delenda, ridendo mores.
- Stop it! - [on phone.]
Brutum Fulmen, - ridendo mores.
- No, no, no, no, no! [howling.]
Whoo! Please welcome our homecoming marshal, Portia Jones! Thank you, Dean Wurthers.
I can't say this is the first time I've been called a hellcat.
[crowd laughs.]
But it pales in comparison with being called a Champston Hellcat! Hey-hey! [crowd cheers.]
When I say "T-shirt," you say "T-shirt.
" T- shirt! - T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! - Crowd: T-shirt! T-shirt! T-shirt! - T-shirt! - Where is this going? Once we plant this flag in your ham flower, - you strut around like a peacock.
- Do it! I'm ready! - Jewbot, do the honors.
- What? Being part of a frat means doing what's right for the brotherhood.
And does that usually involve butt stuff? - Eh, an awful lot of the time, yeah.
- Ooh.
Rex, what up, my playa? Just checking in on Portia.
I worry about her.
It It can't be good to keep all that power bottled up inside, all that pent-up frustration.
Don't worry, dude.
She works it out on my wang.
Courtney, I swear to God, shut the [bleep.]
up! [crowd booing.]
I'm kicking ass, dudes.
Stand down, Cooch! Hoopla, hoopla, who'd I hear? The great Lord Champston, this I swear! Rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat-tat! - I'll take the skin off of any Hellcat! - What are you doing, man? I owe it to the legacy of the great Lord Champston to take back the school that bears his name.
Oh, really? [crowd gasps.]
[roars.]
The Hellcat is real! It wasn't just a crotch rot-induced hallucination.
- What did you do, Chester? - You read from the ancient text, Chester.
In the name of Lord Champston, prepare to be struck down, foul beast! Two, four, six, eight, welcome to the United States! What on God's earth is that stench? Smells like Cuban, Danes, and French! [roars.]
Hit it! [funky music playing.]
We've got to go now! They're stealing the spotlight! You did want to find your brothers, right? Uh Uh [screams.]
Oh! Oh! [gasps.]
- Wait, I can't do this.
- What? - Yeah, what? - You talk of brotherhood, but all I've seen is binge drinking and an alarming amount of ass play.
If this is brotherhood, well, then, brother, count me out.
Come on, Saturn.
You couldn't have figured that out five seconds earlier? I'm still in, right, guys? Whoo! Yeah.
Smack it! Yeah! Let me hear it! [laughs, grunts.]
[crowd booing.]
Split.
Your splits are still way too slow, Chester.
You're losing the crowd, Chester.
Man: Where are the [bleep.]
in' T-shirts? Crowd: T-shirts, T-shirts! You're supposed to be watching me! Aah! [meows.]
Shit, I'll never get a T-shirt now.
Portia, people are in danger! Are you just gonna watch? I've got a job.
This is yours.
[shouts.]
[laughs.]
- Rex, no! - Courtney! [roars.]
Why the [bleep.]
did I run out here? Son of a bitch.
Here we go.
[heroic music.]
[laughter.]
[grunts, growls.]
[grunts.]
[yelps.]
Rex, you have not aged well.
Yeah, well, regardless, do you think you can help us out? My staff of power is yours, Rex.
You hear that, League? Regroup and attack! Just taking this back.
[shouts.]
Come on, dudes! I got to get to my rings.
Luckily you're not the only one who can throw a disk.
Come on, boys.
Looks like Ultimate's coming back after all.
[grunting.]
[music.]
Yow! Oh man, I owe you one, Zenith.
I know we haven't met.
The name's Court Aah! Were you ordered to speak, boy man? You really proved yourself out there.
Uh, listen, me and the boys have talked and Here come da soup! [vomits.]
Oh, my God! Your charter is revoked permanently! - Frat Rat for life, you stupid son of a bitch! - Oh, come on.
It takes a big man to admit that he's just had his ass handed to him six ways to Sunday by a kitten.
Look at yourself.
You're a disgrace.
Go on, get! - Aah! Okay! - I don't need you anymore! You go on! Head down the road into whatever sunset you believe in.
Get out of here! Hey, dude, you need a home more than me.
- You be the mascot.
- I got dem moves now.
You really think you're gonna be our mascot, Chester? The cops are on their way, Chester.
You're going away for a long time, Chester.
See ya! Rex, you look as if a live snake sucked blood from your face, hands, and neck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's been a while.
But I would like to bring you back permanently as a member of the League.
A noble dream, but how do you so plan to worm-tongue the mortal to which I am thunder-bound? Actually, I think I might know just the ticket.
So, now you see, Portia.
[music.]
Everything we've ever done was in the service of the public, and I, uh [sniffles, sobs.]
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Y'all see what you done to this man? If I can forgive him, we all can.
[audience cheers.]
Which brings me to my next segment.
Which of you mortals would like to learn how to make a Bezorean Blood Cake? With Portia's endorsement pushing the League of Freedom's Q rating back into the black, only one question remains.
Does Zenith's return mean a new member for the League? - Well? - I'm gonna be honest with you, Rex.
After I let Zenith out, I took Courtney home and had the night of my life.
- She slammed me good.
- I'm back on the team! [applause.]
She means Zenith is back on the team, right? Because she is a woman in a pantsuit.
Oh, you don't get Zenith without the Jones, and let's just say I've got some ideas for this team.