Taskmaster (2015) s02e02 Episode Script
Pork Is a Sausage
1
Hello, I am Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Only on this show will you
find five of the country's
most cunning comics competing
for my golden cranium.
At the end of the series,
the overall winner will lift it
high above their head, roughly
in line with my own head.
Unless Osman wins.
Let's meet them now.
They are Doc Brown.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan.
And Richard Osman.
- Alex.
- Hello.
My dear Alex. How are you?
I'm very good.
Slightly worn out,
because I have--
Busy week?
Well, I think I'm lucky,
'cause you keep me so busy.
I have to do all your little jobs.
I have to do your laundry
and water your plants
and clean your legs.
And I enjoy it, I
I think we make a nice team.
- We do make a lovely team.
- A very even team.
You did say "clean my legs", right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, Greg.
Good. On with the first
task. The prize task.
What have we asked them
to bring in this week, Alex?
OK, well it's a tricky one.
We've asked them to bring in
their trendiest item of clothing.
So whoever's brought in
their nattiest threads
will win the first points of the show,
and the overall winner of the episode
will take home a brand new outfit.
Thank you. "Nattiest threads"?
Yeah, nattiest threads.
Thank you, mini grandad.
OK, Richard. Let's start with you.
My whole life, people have
spelt my name wrong
'cause they think I'm one
of the Osmonds. The
the Mormon singing
group from the USA.
And I'm not, I'm an Osman.
But someone has very kindly done
a t-shirt of all the Osmonds,
but with my face disembodied on them.
He's not wearing that, right?
Katherine, what did you bring in?
I brought in some amazing leggings.
I am a trend-setter, and I think that
- Wow.
- Wow.
This is a unicorn versus a
robotic dinosaur of some kind.
OK, yeah. That classic clash of the
I feel that these leggings
are not only flattering,
but a conversation-starter as
well. Everyone loves them.
They are. I mean, they're
horrific, but we'll come onto that.
Jon, what do we know about
your chosen clothes?
Other than it came from a kids' shop?
I've brought along a cardigan.
What you can't see in that picture is
actually the joy of this cardigan.
Is that, you see the black lining there?
Sewn into the cardigan is
another cardigan.
So it's like a black waistcoat,
and then a grey cardigan.
- That's cool.
- It's very cool!
Joe.
Erm, simple. Brought my best tie.
Um, yeah, it's just the one
I get most wolf-whistles in.
What's the lady?
That's my auntie, Pam.
You've had your auntie
Pam sewn into a tie?
Yeah, yeah
It's 'cause she lives in
Norwich. Miles away.
You want to see her sometimes, don't you?
And you want to see her
underneath a small vintage car.
Yeah, she does wind me up a bit.
Lovely. Doc?
These are basically waterproof Converse.
They're like wellies with laces.
I just think they're ridiculous, man.
But, like, in my mind,
that's what trendy is.
Just so you know, "trendy" does mean
"very fashionable or up-to-date."
OK, well, that rules out
several of them straight away.
There's a degree of self-
obsession in yours, Rich.
A degree?
- Osman's in last place.
- Yes.
Er, I like the unicorn pants.
I'm going to put them in second place.
Whoa.
So you're doing fifth first
and then second second?
Yeah, I am. I'm just doing
it based on instinct.
I'm gonna put Jon--
I was gonna put Jon in first place
till he started looking
at me like that.
I have to put him in third.
Don't look at him. Don't look at him.
Um, I'm gonna put him in third place.
I'm gonna put I think that
lots of trendy people
will wear those stupid
rubber trainers.
I'm putting him in first place.
OK, so fourth place to Joe.
Yeah.
Fuck!
There, I've spoken.
So the winner is Mr Doc
Brown! OK, fine.
OK, great. Next task.
OK, here is the first main task.
"Eat me."
"Fastest wins."
Sheesh.
Hey!
Ohhh
Oh, man.
Hate eggs.
"Eat me. Fastest wins."
Oh, shit.
I'm not eating a raw egg.
"Eat me."
Well, that's not gonna work, is it?
Am I gonna eat it raw?
I do need to warn
the people at home
that you shouldn't eat raw eggs.
A pretty straightforward task.
It would genuinely disgust me.
Would it disgust you?
Eating an egg?
A raw egg.
Well, no. I mean, you've got options.
You can scotch it. You can
do whatever you want.
You know, you can
- Scotch it?
- I would scotch the egg.
If any of you guys have
scotched this egg
I think you should get the point.
There's a man called Joey Chestnut
who 141 eggs in eight minutes.
Good old Joey Chestnut.
He did one egg every
three-and-a-half seconds
- for eight minutes.
- OK.
Do you want to see Doc and Jon?
Well, I know for a fact
that's who you've
lined up on the VT,
so let's see them.
OK. Here they are.
Well, that's not
gonna work, is it?
Am I gonna eat it raw? D'you think?
You don't have to. There's
a kitchen ready if you need it.
How much do I want to win this task?
Will I be sick?
Has anyone eaten it raw?
Good question.
Well, I'm not eating that now.
Ffff
This is gonna be
Yeah, raw. I thought so.
Yeah, I can't eat it raw.
I'm just not an egg man,
you know? I'm really not.
I only started eating poached
eggs a couple weeks ago.
Oh, no.
This is like a huge
challenge for me.
I might not be the fastest
but I'm the only one who
seasoned his egg.
Ooh!
Peri-peri salt?
If a task's worth doing, it's
worth enjoying, right?
Oh, it's hot!
Good. It's good.
Oh, hot egg!
Motherfucker.
Oh, really hot!
So hot!
All gone.
I mean, by far my favourite
part of that clip
is Jon being so proud 'cause
it's all gone, mummy.
"It's all gone. It's all gone,
like a big boy!"
You were both surprised
that they were hot.
I really enjoyed, um
"I'm not an egg man."
I'm not an egg man. Eggs have always
creeped me out a little bit.
Do you know how I knew that
you weren't an egg man?
Go on.
'Cause you opted to break into
an egg with your mouth.
When I'm under pressure--
The more you watch this series,
the more you'll realise
how many bad decisions I make.
There was one stage when
I was about six years old
and my sister explained to
me what periods were.
And then she explained to me that
an egg is the chicken version.
And since then
Nah, I've never really done eggs.
Well, that's put me off eggs.
Turns me onto them.
Horses for courses, isn't it, mate?
Really gangsters run red lights.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm tempted to say a gentleman waits
till it goes green, but that's weird.
Do you wanna know how
fast they did it?
Yeah.
Well, Jon achieved egg
in five minutes and 12 seconds.
How long? Twelve?
Well, 12 seconds, but you normally
say the minutes first, but
12 seconds and five minutes.
And Doc achieved egg in exactly
35 seconds and three minutes.
No!
Oh, wait, 35 seconds
and three minutes.
I forgot about your system.
Er, do you want to see Joe next?
Yes, I do.
OK. Here is Joe Wilkinson.
La la la la la ♪
I knew I wasn't gonna win this one.
So I thought I'd actually
enjoy it.
Mmmm
Ten minutes 46 to eat an egg.
Took a hit on that one, mate.
Took a hit on it.
Lovely. I wish there were
points for style.
Really lovely meat display,
particularly.
Yeah, I did a crescent of salami.
Opposite a crescent of sausage rolls.
You know, standard stuff.
Really well done. Last place so far.
We wanna see how Katherine and
Richard are gonna achieve egg,
and we'll find out after
the break. See you then.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our famous five
are putting their reputations on
the line for some trendy clothes
that have already put their
reputations on the line.
Alex, please remind us
what's been happening.
Hello, Greg!
Well, so far, we've seen Jon and Doc
burn their mouths eating hot eggs,
and Joe eating six sausage rolls.
We've just got Katherine
and Richard to see.
Do you wanna see Katherine first?
Yes, I do.
Well, we can. Here she is.
I'm sad because I've already lost,
'cause one of those disgusting boys
will have just eaten it by now.
But I don't wanna come last.
Oh!
OK. I hate eating gross stuff.
Lemme see what it's like.
Sipping
Not that bad.
I didn't wanna go out like this.
But I don't think that I can
eat anything weird.
Sorry, guys.
I'm not gonna eat the egg.
Bad sportsmanship.
I'm not gonna eat the egg.
That's fair enough.
Thanks, Katherine.
Sorry.
I think you'll find, Katherine,
that those disgusting boys
won't have just eaten the egg.
They'll have beautifully
seasoned and displayed it.
And I'll thank you for keeping
your sexist views to yourself.
I was shocked by that.
I thought, for sure,
every single person
was just gonna drink the egg,
and as soon as I hadn't done that
I thought, "I've lost now."
I've never seen someone
sip an egg before.
I just I thought I could do it.
You did do it, just the
worst of both worlds.
Yeah.
Once you've had the sip, surely you go,
Actually, "Bang, egg!"
Yeah, if you're an egg-aholic, Jon.
Some people can leave
it after just a
Let's see how Richard did.
Yeah, he's the last one.
Very impressive.
I was like Katherine, I felt sure
somebody would have done it.
It wasn't my favourite
thing I've ever done,
but I had a nice cup of tea with me.
I don't really know what the--
It literally doesn't taste of anything.
Well, that's 'cause you
didn't eat all the egg.
- Yeah, he didn't achieve full egg for me.
- Quite a lot of egg left on the table.
- Yeah, it's on the table.
- I cracked mine.
I would've eaten that, but
half of it flopped out.
And I thought, "Well, I'm not
gonna hoover it off the table
like some egg-hungry whore."
I would say, what he left
was what Katherine ate.
OK. These guys cancel
each other out, right?
I mean, I don't want to
be involved in this
decision-making process,
'cause I think
Jon's gonna be angry.
How lovely that you can devise this
show and then hide behind me.
But I think lots of people
left little bits of egg.
So, on this occasion, I am
going to say it's valid.
We've got Richard winning that.
In second place, Doc.
In third place, Jon.
And then Joe on four.
And I don't think Katherine scores,
'cause she didn't do the task.
Time to look at the scores after
the first two tasks. Alex?
OK, well. Doc is way
ahead on nine points.
Oh, whatever.
Next task. What do we have, Alex?
- Me and you?
- Yeah.
We have a lovely relationship and, uh
And next, we've got a
lovely task for you.
- Lovely.
- A lovely task. Here we go.
This?
Yes, please.
Not a trap, is it?
If it's "make a baby"
I'm gonna win.
"Make the best music video
for a nursery rhyme."
"You have one hour and
your time starts now."
Can't think of any nursery rhymes.
You've got kids, come on.
What do you sing to them?
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
Yeah?
"Hey Diddle Diddle", of course
"A cat did a piddle," we
used to sing at school.
"Hey Diddle Diddle"
"The cat did a piddle."
Yes. "All over the kitchen floor."
"A little doggy laughed
to see such fun."
"So the cat did a little bit more!"
Is that one?
Do you know, "Peanut on
a railroad track"
"Heart all a-flutter!"
"Along comes a great big train"
"Choo-choo! Peanut butter!"
OK.
You OK, Joe?
Uh, I'm thinking. I find
you really distracting.
Hmm.
OK, I'm all over it.
None of us know that
song, Katherine.
And you know why?
Because it's clearly a fever
dream you once had.
Richard was the only
one who didn't know
any nursery rhymes off
the top of his head.
Why don't you know any
nursery rhymes?
You were born at 32, weren't you?
I was born at six foot one,
but I was a normal age.
I don't know. I think the
stress of the task.
It's awful, innit, when you
open that envelope?
Nah, it's fine.
Do you wanna start with
the youngest male?
I don't mind who we start with.
I love videos. I love songs.
I love nursery rhymes.
Put them all together.
Let's party.
OK, well, here is--
Here's a party held by
Mr Jon Richardson.
♪
♪
That's quality. That's class.
I mean, the response says
it all. Incredible.
Incredibly disturbing.
It's so weird.
The funny thing is, I'd already
filmed that before the task.
I've written down three things
as I was watching it.
"Nightmarish."
"Creepy."
And then, "Strangely attractive."
It's really great,
I thought. Really great.
I mean, we've all heard
"Three Blind Mice".
I've never imagined it
to be that awful.
Just absolutely horrible.
For children?
It's for children, yeah.
Um, you've heard of it?
Yeah. "Three blind mice,
see how they run"
But I wouldn't show
that to my child.
No.
I don't think Jon wanted you to.
Oh, I beg to differ.
It's no more disturbing
than seeing a peanut
fucked up by a train,
though, is it?
Who's next?
Well, Katherine did aim more
at the youth market.
Yeah, I made a music video for kids!
Yeah. This is Katherine's video.
He's orange
and looking rotten ♪
His toothbrush long forgotten ♪
That's James, James the dirty tooth ♪
Brush, brush! ♪
Candy, crisps and sweets ♪
Gave him brittle roots for feets ♪
That's James, James the dirty tooth ♪
Brush, brush! ♪
I love James ♪
I love James in spite of tooth decay ♪
Gingivitis, plaque, bad breath ♪
We're best friends anyway ♪
But bunnies don't like him.
This hat doesn't like him.
Kittens and foxes and
puppies don't like him.
His parents don't like him.
I love but don't like him.
Yeah, nobody likes him, 'cause James'
oral hygiene stinks.
James the dirty tooth ♪
Go to the dentist.
- I loved it.
- Thanks, Richard.
I mean, it's incredible.
It's like an audition for Glee.
And yet strangely creepy, still.
So, listen. I wrote it because I
really care about oral hygiene,
and I feel like there aren't any
nursery rhymes about it.
Is that allowed? Making up
the nursery rhyme?
God!
- There's no laws--
- Two separate things.
It's a question, "Is that allowed?"
- Secondly, smell this.
- OK.
I assumed that we were
all making them up,
and then I thought, "What do I want
children to know about?"
About a dirty tooth?
That no one will like you if you
don't brush your teeth.
So, you are allowed to make
up nursery rhymes.
There's no rules against that.
Oh, then it's great.
She also wrote the music,
illustrated it, sung it,
and used my awful teeth
to demonstrate how--
You have great teeth.
Thank you for the cameo.
I can fit a pound coin through
my front two teeth.
- Yeah?
- Not that way. That way on.
Is that so you don't get stolen
from supermarkets?
Very good. It was a tour
de force, Katherine.
Well done. What's next?
Uh, well, it's Richard Osman,
and he had a different approach.
Do you want to explain slightly?
I thought, whenever you watch videos,
you watch them on YouTube these days.
The first thing is there's always
an advert on beforehand.
So I enlisted Alex's help. We made
a little advert before our video.
- Ah, nice.
- Shall we watch it?
- Yeah.
- OK.
I used to borrow my
neighbour's wheelbarrow
before I bought a
Johnnson's wheelbarrow.
Now my neighbour asks to
borrow my wheelbarrow!
Hi, Alex. Can I borrow your
Johnnson's wheelbarrow?
No. You have to buy your own
Johnnson's wheelbarrow!
Aaargh!
Johnnson's wheelbarrows
are the best wheelbarrows.
She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪
She'll be coming round
the mountain ♪
Coming round the mountain ♪
Coming round the mountain
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas ♪
Wearing red pyjamas ♪
Wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
Was that an homage to
the Verve video?
It was an attempted homage to
"Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.
But done in under an hour for,
I think, £14.17.
Although the Johnnson's wheel-
barrow money came in handy.
I mean, probably my favourite
part of the whole thing
was the idea that Richard
Osman lives in a shed.
Two nursery rhyme videos
left to see.
One from an actual rapper.
One from an actual ridiculous man.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where Katherine Ryan
might give Richard Osman
her unicorn pants.
Back to their nursery rhyme
music videos, Alex.
Yes. So far we've seen the debut
of "James the Dirty Tooth".
We've also seen reversions of
the classic "Three Blind Mice"
and "Coming 'Round the Mountain".
It's Doc Brown next.
The pressure's on, Doc.
Doc Brown.
'Sup, kids?
You know a lot of these nursery rhymes
chat pure gibberish, fantasy.
This one's got some real
talk for you, yeah?
Hashtag truestory.
Yo, it goes
One, two, to the three,
four, five ♪
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
I said six, seven to the
eight, nine, ten ♪
Then I let that little
prick go again ♪
You say, "Why did you let it go?" ♪
Motherfucker bit my finger, bro ♪
"Which finger did it bite?" ♪
This little finger on my right ♪
I mean, what's your problem
with fish, mate?
Not a fish man.
- You're not a fish guy?
- Not a fish man, not an egg man.
I should say, we filmed that,
it took an hour.
There was genuine
It was a mixture of blood
and fake blood.
Why were you bleeding?
Well, because I punched that
salmon in its face so many times.
I had scales off the fish that were
embedded into my actual hand.
I'm not sure it was in the spirit
of the original nursery rhyme,
but it was really good, wasn't it?
Do you want to contrast
that with Joe Wilkinson?
What d'you mean?
Well, it's just different
energy levels, these two.
Here's Joe Wilkinson's attempt.
Oh, Joe. It's gonna be
shit, innit, mate?
Yeah.
Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
With an oink-oink here and
an oink-oink there ♪
Everywhere an oink-oink ♪
With a quack-quack here and
a quack-quack there ♪
Everywhere a quack-quack ♪
With a moo moo-moo here
and a moo-moo there ♪
Everywhere a moo-moo ♪
With a ♪
Neigh-neigh here and
a neigh-neigh there ♪
Everywhere a neigh-neigh ♪
With a cluck-cluck here and
a cluck-cluck there ♪
Everywhere a cluck-cluck ♪
With a baa-baa here and
a baa-baa there ♪
Everywhere a baa-baa ♪
Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
That'll do, won't it?
I found it genuinely annoying.
I did as well.
Why do you think I found
that so annoying?
'Cause he wasn't getting
the song right, Greg.
Correct, Jon.
"Here an oink, there an oink."
"Here a quack, there a quack."
We didn't know where the
oinks were. Or the quacks.
On that farm he had a pig ♪
With a ♪
What song are you singing?
Do you wanna make your mind up?
Do you want to go from least
favourite to favourite?
- I do.
- Do it the other way.
This is the way I see it and the
audience will back me up on it.
Joe, I mean, clearly is in last place.
I'm jumping up to Richard
living in his shed.
Then Katherine, I thought
was excellent,
but that's where I'm placing her.
And then for joint winners,
I'm putting Doc and Jon.
Everyone happy with that?
Another task. A quick one, please.
A quick one? OK, here is
a very quick one.
Here we go.
Another beautiful day ♪
Huh.
"Using this camera"
"Take a picture of an inanimate
object that looks like you."
Pffft. Easy. I look like everything.
"Closest resemblance wins."
OK.
"Your time starts now."
Alright.
I take a picture of an object
that looks like me.
But not an animate object.
An inanima-- An inam-ana-mate object.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Well, I've got a free camera.
Really happy about that.
An inanimate object that
looks like them.
Let's have a look.
OK, we've got all five up here,
so see what you think of these.
I don't know if you
can work out who's who.
D'you know what, if you'd
just shown me the toaster,
I still would've guessed Joe.
Am I supposed to guess
who I think?
Yeah, why not? It's a process
of elimination, I suppose.
OK, well, I think it's
unlikely that anyone else
thinks that they look
like the guy from JLS.
Would've been a very ballsy
call if I'd said that.
The more worrying question is how
I know that's the guy from JLS.
It's Marvin Humes. Do you want
to see him next to Doc?
It's a pretty close resemblance.
It's a desperate call, really.
I saw that doll and I thought, "Boom!"
I don't think you look
like Marvin from JLS
and I think you should be
disqualified for racism.
Wow.
- On what grounds?
- You think Doc should be?
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!
You think Doc should be
disqualified for racism?
Yeah, he thinks that two black
men look alike. That's racist.
Oh, I get it.
Do you wanna move on
to the toaster?
Yes.
You've deduced it's Joe.
I have, yeah.
We do have a second
picture of Joe where he looks
Well, there's more
of a similarity.
Romping into the lead
Did you already have
the toaster picture?
That is none of your business.
Is that your toaster
with a punch in it?
Yeah, it's a de-stresser.
No, I'm not gonna let it go.
Why has your toaster got
a big punch hole in it?
Because, sometimes
it only browns it on one side.
Let's have a look at Jon's.
OK, this is Jon's.
D'you wanna explain what it is, Jon?
Yes, it's a 3D printout of me.
Whoa!
We do have it here.
Cool!
Oh! Yeah, the actual
thing's incredible.
Actual size.
This is exactly what it looks like
if Jon's standing next to me.
"Ooh"
"Why d'you keep marking me down?"
If you want to keep that as
your good conscience
I do want to keep it.
But not for those purposes.
I mean, I think it's great.
If I'd have just seen the picture,
I'd have said it was shit,
but up close, it's incredible.
Where'd you get that printed off?
- 3D printers.
- Lovely.
OK, we've got Katherine Ryan here.
- On the right.
- Yes.
And Katherine Ryan on the left.
Wow. Whoever the
lady on the left is,
she appears to have incredibly
wide, low-slung breasts.
It's from a box of the shape-
wear known as Spanx.
Yep, you know about Spanx?
- I've seen them.
- Yeah.
And honestly, I found them
really upsetting.
They are very upsetting.
You wanna see the last one?
- Yeah.
- Osman.
I mean, that is incredible.
Even I double-take when
I walk past that.
I always feel safe when
I'm around you, as well.
- There you go.
- That's really brilliant.
The scores are as follows.
In first place, it's Richard Osman.
In second place, it's
Jon Richardson,
and he doesn't deserve it.
Third place, Katherine.
Fourth place, Toaster Face.
Fifth place, Doc. Done.
Very good. On with the
next one, then.
Yes, and this time,
they're gonna order you
- your favourite food, Greg.
- Nyum nyum nyum.
Pizza?
Got a pizza number.
"Order"
"Order the following pizza
for the Taskmaster."
"Extra-large vegetarian pizza"
"with pepperoni and bacon."
"Without tomato and cheese."
"You may not use the
following words."
"Extra-large, vegetarian, pizza."
"Pepperoni, bacon, tomato, cheese."
"Bacon, tomato, cheese."
"You get a bonus point if you
can make the pizza person
say the word 'bubbles'."
Tricky.
Oh, man.
Oh, I'm nervous.
I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?
Here we go.
What sort of trouble do you imagine
you're gonna get into?
It's like a real pizza place.
I don't prank call.
It wasn't a prank call.
We did order the pizzas,
and we had five different
independent pizza places
who didn't know what was happening.
They had to order extra-
large vegetarian pizza
with bacon and pepperoni,
without tomato and cheese,
without saying any of
those useful words.
- OK?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see Doc and Joe,
the two on the end?
Um, yeah.
OK, phew. Here they are.
"The number you have dialled
has not been recognised."
I'd like to make an order, please.
I'd like one of your round,
doughy meals, please.
The biggest size.
- Extra large?
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry, no. Without
the red sauce,
and without the, um, fromage.
You need a stuffed crust? Garlic?
No extras, no.
- Sorry?
- No extras.
And I would like with it, please,
I would like some, um
circular, thin meat.
What's that called?
The circular, thin
Hello?
When you say "pork", what kind
of pork do you mean there?
Do you mean, like, the type
you have for breakfast?
You know, that you fry up?
That kind of
Slices of pig.
Yeah, it's like a pig.
Like a pig, yeah, but
Slices of pig, what's that?
Um
Oh, God. My mind's gone blank.
You know, like you'd have
with eggs in the morning?
No, no eggs.
No, not eggs. You know,
like you have with eggs.
You know what I mean?
Where you have sausage
- and eggs, and--
- Pork is a sausage.
- Pork is a sausage.
- I know sausage is pork.
I do know that.
- Um, no, no
- Bacon?
Bacon, yeah.
Bone?
No, not bone. B - A - C
Bacon, bacon.
Yes! Do you have any of that?
Yes, we have bacon.
Ah, brilliant.
Lovely. I love you.
Bye-bye.
Do I lose a point for
saying "bacon" back?
You need a sauce? You don't
need the cheese?
- That's exactly right.
- Bacon and pepperoni?
Yeah!
It's a different pizza.
Yeah, it's a different pizza
for a different guy.
Maybe you'll remember me.
She was great.
I can't believe I said
"pizza", though.
You said she was great at the end.
Halfway through, you were
clearly irritated with her.
"I know what sausage is. I do know that."
Like she's the dick in this scenario.
How many mistakes did Doc make?
You're not allowed to say the
word "extra" and he said it--
- I said "extras" about five times.
- Yeah, you did.
Like, at the very beginning.
You said it three times and
then you said "pizza" at the end.
How did Joe do?
One mistake.
That's really good.
And we can see the pizzas.
We obviously went
- and picked up the pizzas.
- Ah, yeah.
- The correct order.
- Oh, wow.
It looks like cheese, but that's
just the base. It's meat on bread.
- Just how I like it.
- Just how you like it.
We're now gonna see Katherine,
Jon and Richard order the pizza.
Hello! Can I please order
like, a venti.
You know, like, your biggest size.
Have you got-- Can you
do a meat-free one?
- Vegetarian, you mean?
- Yes, please.
What are the the discs of
It's, like, spicy pork.
We have got pepperoni, beef
Yes, that please.
Uh, the first one.
The one that's, like, circles?
Pepperoni?
Yes!
It has beef, sausage, bacon,
ham, pepperoni.
Um, could I have the last one?
I mean, it comes all together.
No, but if I could just get it
specially made with just
All I want is two types of
meat, and that would be
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm surrounded by people here, all of
whom want something different.
Could I have it without
tomato, please?
Do you have anything else pork?
Salami, garlic sausage, meatball
Do you have a breakfast pizza
or anything like that?
No, we don't have that one.
One is like the breakfast kind.
- You know.
- Bacon?
Yes, that's it!
No dairy on it, if possible.
OK. You want cheese as well, yeah?
No-- No, n-n-n-no, please.
Do they call it a "white pizza" or a
a bianca?
So, have you got one with,
like, a barbecue base?
We do, we do barbecue base.
Lovely, yep.
Have a great day.
- You too. Bye-bye.
- Bye!
Easy!
So easy.
Huh.
Oh
What's wrong?
I might not have told them
that I didn't want cheese.
How may I help you?
Hello, I just spoke to you.
I just placed an order.
Yes, madam.
I don't want the, um
Pie to have the stuff
on it that melts.
You know, the I forget
the word for this as well.
- I'm not from England.
- Cheese?
That's it!
- OK, not a problem. Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Richard was the only one to
not say any of the words.
Katherine said the one,
Jon said the two.
Do you want to see their pizzas?
Katherine and Jon's.
I think, yeah, you can see Jon's
is vegetarian with the meat,
and no tomato and no cheese.
So, that's a pretty strong pizza.
There is tomato, I'm afraid,
on your one, Katherine.
What?!
Despite you saying the word tomato,
yeah. There is tomato on there.
Richard's, on the other hand,
was spectacularly wrong.
There were two.
Yeah, it was smothered in cheese, so
Yeah, they were very muddled.
I loved Katherine's
"I'm not from England".
"I speak fluently but I do not
know the word 'cheese'."
But did someone manage to
get their pizza person
to utter the word "bubbles"?
That's our cliffhanger.
Join us soon for the last
part of the show,
where our five comics will also take
to the stage for our final task.
Welcome back to the
final part of Taskmaster,
where our four comedians and quiz
show co-host Richard Osman
are embarrassing themselves
for the chance to go home
in one of Jon Richardson's cardigans.
Alex, I believe we're on tenterhooks.
Course we were.
We're just about to find out
whether anyone has managed
to get the employee of a pizza
parlour to say the word "bubbles".
Let's see if they did.
Your name, please?
My name is, er, Bublé.
Sorry?
Bublé, spelt B-U-B-B-L-E-S.
That's perfect.
Do you need my name?
Yes, OK. What's your name?
My name is Bubbles.
Bubbles?
Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, can I have the name?
Do you know Michael Jackson?
- Michael Jackson?
- No, that's not the name, though.
Do you remember the
name of his chimp?
Who? Jim?
Yeah, do you have any Diet Coke?
Is it possible to have it, um
Without the gas in it?
Do you have anything flat, without
What do you call it, when
the gas is in the drink?
No, we don't have that
kind of drink.
You don't have any drink without, um
Gas. No, we don't have.
Er OK.
Do you not remember the
name of the monkey?
No, no.
OK, not to worry. We'll see you
in about 15, 20 minutes.
When it melts, it like
gets puffed up with air
and it makes those, uh
Those pockets of air.
What are those?
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
You blow them. They're in the bathtub
and stuff, like, soap makes them
Bubbles?
That's it!
Could you do me a huge
favour and say "bubbles"?
"Bubbles"? No.
Yeah.
OK, no, you don't have to.
I love that he said no.
"No, I won't say 'bubbles'."
Great. And I also love the idea of
Richard Osman's pizza person going
"Ugh. He's going on about
Michael Jackson."
We were getting on quite well.
I didn't realise the mess he was
gonna make of my order.
We were getting on well.
When you ask for a fizzy drink, Jon
Do you say sometimes
"No bubbles"?
Without the bubbles in it.
Katherine, Doc and Joe all
got them to say "bubbles".
- They all get a bonus point.
- Right.
In terms of the task itself, Jon got
the most accurate pizza order.
So, he wins it. Yeah.
So, it goes Jon, then Joe
Only got the one mistake.
Then Katherine, then Doc,
then Richard. OK?
That's the first time you've
ever read out a score
and Jon hasn't had some
sort of objection.
That's weird!
Well, I actually think-- No.
How's that affected the scores?
Ah, well, interesting.
There's two points between
the top two people.
And they are Doc, and then Jon
in first place, on 20 points.
OK, time to stretch your legs a little.
Will you all please head to the stage
for the final task of the show?
There they are, in all their glory.
Joe, would you please read
out tonight's final task?
There we go, Joe.
"Using these big chopsticks,
get these potatoes into your basket."
Oh, for fff
"You must only hold the big chopsticks
on the grips provided."
"The big chopsticks alone
may touch the potatoes."
Oh, ta.
"Whoever has the most
potatoes in their basket
after a hundred seconds wins."
What was the middle bit of that?
You have to hold them on the grips.
I've read it once, mate.
Yeah, so you can pick up your
chopsticks now, if you want.
Do you think we should penalise
Richard Osman straight away
'cause these are like normal-
sized chopsticks for him.
Good luck, everyone.
Your time starts
Oh, oh, oh! Richard Osman.
What are you doing?
This is interesting. They're all
on there, aren't they?
- They're all on there.
- Oh, no!
Oh, this is interesting.
This is an angle, innit?
Yeah, thought so.
Richard Osman's finished.
It's too hard!
Oh, you little fucker.
15 seconds!
Go in the fucking thing!
Okay, and--
Really dignified.
Good. Let's bring you all back down
here to discuss your tactics.
Interesting variation in styles.
Alex, who did best, who did worst,
and who did between best and worst?
Well, I guess we have to deal
with Richard Osman first.
It said on the task, which
Joe read so clearly
Thank you.
"The cues alone may touch the potato."
And I think they weren't alone
in touching the potato.
I did not hear him say that.
What you heard was
"The cues and big old massive
hands can touch the potatoes."
I really hated that task, Alex.
Oh, why? Are you not a potato man?
Not a potato man.
Katherine got half her potatoes in.
Five out of ten.
Jon Richardson managed
to get not ten out of ten,
11 out of ten. You took one of Joe's.
Great, and what's that done
to the final scores?
Well, I can say the person
who's won the show
has also taken control of the
overall lead of the series.
And that man is Mr Jon Richardson.
So, Jon Richardson is today's winner!
Jon, please go up and collect
your terrible clothes.
And what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Richard Osman
is the only person brave
enough to eat an egg.
That Katherine Ryan can write genuinely
brilliant nursery rhymes.
We've learnt that Jon Richardson
is shorter than a snooker cue.
We've learnt that Doc
Brown punches fish.
We've learnt that Joe Wilkinson
is definitely gonna come
last in this series.
But mainly, we've learnt that
tonight's winner is Jon Richardson!
Thank you, everybody. Good night!
Hello, I am Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
Only on this show will you
find five of the country's
most cunning comics competing
for my golden cranium.
At the end of the series,
the overall winner will lift it
high above their head, roughly
in line with my own head.
Unless Osman wins.
Let's meet them now.
They are Doc Brown.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jon Richardson.
Katherine Ryan.
And Richard Osman.
- Alex.
- Hello.
My dear Alex. How are you?
I'm very good.
Slightly worn out,
because I have--
Busy week?
Well, I think I'm lucky,
'cause you keep me so busy.
I have to do all your little jobs.
I have to do your laundry
and water your plants
and clean your legs.
And I enjoy it, I
I think we make a nice team.
- We do make a lovely team.
- A very even team.
You did say "clean my legs", right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, Greg.
Good. On with the first
task. The prize task.
What have we asked them
to bring in this week, Alex?
OK, well it's a tricky one.
We've asked them to bring in
their trendiest item of clothing.
So whoever's brought in
their nattiest threads
will win the first points of the show,
and the overall winner of the episode
will take home a brand new outfit.
Thank you. "Nattiest threads"?
Yeah, nattiest threads.
Thank you, mini grandad.
OK, Richard. Let's start with you.
My whole life, people have
spelt my name wrong
'cause they think I'm one
of the Osmonds. The
the Mormon singing
group from the USA.
And I'm not, I'm an Osman.
But someone has very kindly done
a t-shirt of all the Osmonds,
but with my face disembodied on them.
He's not wearing that, right?
Katherine, what did you bring in?
I brought in some amazing leggings.
I am a trend-setter, and I think that
- Wow.
- Wow.
This is a unicorn versus a
robotic dinosaur of some kind.
OK, yeah. That classic clash of the
I feel that these leggings
are not only flattering,
but a conversation-starter as
well. Everyone loves them.
They are. I mean, they're
horrific, but we'll come onto that.
Jon, what do we know about
your chosen clothes?
Other than it came from a kids' shop?
I've brought along a cardigan.
What you can't see in that picture is
actually the joy of this cardigan.
Is that, you see the black lining there?
Sewn into the cardigan is
another cardigan.
So it's like a black waistcoat,
and then a grey cardigan.
- That's cool.
- It's very cool!
Joe.
Erm, simple. Brought my best tie.
Um, yeah, it's just the one
I get most wolf-whistles in.
What's the lady?
That's my auntie, Pam.
You've had your auntie
Pam sewn into a tie?
Yeah, yeah
It's 'cause she lives in
Norwich. Miles away.
You want to see her sometimes, don't you?
And you want to see her
underneath a small vintage car.
Yeah, she does wind me up a bit.
Lovely. Doc?
These are basically waterproof Converse.
They're like wellies with laces.
I just think they're ridiculous, man.
But, like, in my mind,
that's what trendy is.
Just so you know, "trendy" does mean
"very fashionable or up-to-date."
OK, well, that rules out
several of them straight away.
There's a degree of self-
obsession in yours, Rich.
A degree?
- Osman's in last place.
- Yes.
Er, I like the unicorn pants.
I'm going to put them in second place.
Whoa.
So you're doing fifth first
and then second second?
Yeah, I am. I'm just doing
it based on instinct.
I'm gonna put Jon--
I was gonna put Jon in first place
till he started looking
at me like that.
I have to put him in third.
Don't look at him. Don't look at him.
Um, I'm gonna put him in third place.
I'm gonna put I think that
lots of trendy people
will wear those stupid
rubber trainers.
I'm putting him in first place.
OK, so fourth place to Joe.
Yeah.
Fuck!
There, I've spoken.
So the winner is Mr Doc
Brown! OK, fine.
OK, great. Next task.
OK, here is the first main task.
"Eat me."
"Fastest wins."
Sheesh.
Hey!
Ohhh
Oh, man.
Hate eggs.
"Eat me. Fastest wins."
Oh, shit.
I'm not eating a raw egg.
"Eat me."
Well, that's not gonna work, is it?
Am I gonna eat it raw?
I do need to warn
the people at home
that you shouldn't eat raw eggs.
A pretty straightforward task.
It would genuinely disgust me.
Would it disgust you?
Eating an egg?
A raw egg.
Well, no. I mean, you've got options.
You can scotch it. You can
do whatever you want.
You know, you can
- Scotch it?
- I would scotch the egg.
If any of you guys have
scotched this egg
I think you should get the point.
There's a man called Joey Chestnut
who 141 eggs in eight minutes.
Good old Joey Chestnut.
He did one egg every
three-and-a-half seconds
- for eight minutes.
- OK.
Do you want to see Doc and Jon?
Well, I know for a fact
that's who you've
lined up on the VT,
so let's see them.
OK. Here they are.
Well, that's not
gonna work, is it?
Am I gonna eat it raw? D'you think?
You don't have to. There's
a kitchen ready if you need it.
How much do I want to win this task?
Will I be sick?
Has anyone eaten it raw?
Good question.
Well, I'm not eating that now.
Ffff
This is gonna be
Yeah, raw. I thought so.
Yeah, I can't eat it raw.
I'm just not an egg man,
you know? I'm really not.
I only started eating poached
eggs a couple weeks ago.
Oh, no.
This is like a huge
challenge for me.
I might not be the fastest
but I'm the only one who
seasoned his egg.
Ooh!
Peri-peri salt?
If a task's worth doing, it's
worth enjoying, right?
Oh, it's hot!
Good. It's good.
Oh, hot egg!
Motherfucker.
Oh, really hot!
So hot!
All gone.
I mean, by far my favourite
part of that clip
is Jon being so proud 'cause
it's all gone, mummy.
"It's all gone. It's all gone,
like a big boy!"
You were both surprised
that they were hot.
I really enjoyed, um
"I'm not an egg man."
I'm not an egg man. Eggs have always
creeped me out a little bit.
Do you know how I knew that
you weren't an egg man?
Go on.
'Cause you opted to break into
an egg with your mouth.
When I'm under pressure--
The more you watch this series,
the more you'll realise
how many bad decisions I make.
There was one stage when
I was about six years old
and my sister explained to
me what periods were.
And then she explained to me that
an egg is the chicken version.
And since then
Nah, I've never really done eggs.
Well, that's put me off eggs.
Turns me onto them.
Horses for courses, isn't it, mate?
Really gangsters run red lights.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm tempted to say a gentleman waits
till it goes green, but that's weird.
Do you wanna know how
fast they did it?
Yeah.
Well, Jon achieved egg
in five minutes and 12 seconds.
How long? Twelve?
Well, 12 seconds, but you normally
say the minutes first, but
12 seconds and five minutes.
And Doc achieved egg in exactly
35 seconds and three minutes.
No!
Oh, wait, 35 seconds
and three minutes.
I forgot about your system.
Er, do you want to see Joe next?
Yes, I do.
OK. Here is Joe Wilkinson.
La la la la la ♪
I knew I wasn't gonna win this one.
So I thought I'd actually
enjoy it.
Mmmm
Ten minutes 46 to eat an egg.
Took a hit on that one, mate.
Took a hit on it.
Lovely. I wish there were
points for style.
Really lovely meat display,
particularly.
Yeah, I did a crescent of salami.
Opposite a crescent of sausage rolls.
You know, standard stuff.
Really well done. Last place so far.
We wanna see how Katherine and
Richard are gonna achieve egg,
and we'll find out after
the break. See you then.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our famous five
are putting their reputations on
the line for some trendy clothes
that have already put their
reputations on the line.
Alex, please remind us
what's been happening.
Hello, Greg!
Well, so far, we've seen Jon and Doc
burn their mouths eating hot eggs,
and Joe eating six sausage rolls.
We've just got Katherine
and Richard to see.
Do you wanna see Katherine first?
Yes, I do.
Well, we can. Here she is.
I'm sad because I've already lost,
'cause one of those disgusting boys
will have just eaten it by now.
But I don't wanna come last.
Oh!
OK. I hate eating gross stuff.
Lemme see what it's like.
Sipping
Not that bad.
I didn't wanna go out like this.
But I don't think that I can
eat anything weird.
Sorry, guys.
I'm not gonna eat the egg.
Bad sportsmanship.
I'm not gonna eat the egg.
That's fair enough.
Thanks, Katherine.
Sorry.
I think you'll find, Katherine,
that those disgusting boys
won't have just eaten the egg.
They'll have beautifully
seasoned and displayed it.
And I'll thank you for keeping
your sexist views to yourself.
I was shocked by that.
I thought, for sure,
every single person
was just gonna drink the egg,
and as soon as I hadn't done that
I thought, "I've lost now."
I've never seen someone
sip an egg before.
I just I thought I could do it.
You did do it, just the
worst of both worlds.
Yeah.
Once you've had the sip, surely you go,
Actually, "Bang, egg!"
Yeah, if you're an egg-aholic, Jon.
Some people can leave
it after just a
Let's see how Richard did.
Yeah, he's the last one.
Very impressive.
I was like Katherine, I felt sure
somebody would have done it.
It wasn't my favourite
thing I've ever done,
but I had a nice cup of tea with me.
I don't really know what the--
It literally doesn't taste of anything.
Well, that's 'cause you
didn't eat all the egg.
- Yeah, he didn't achieve full egg for me.
- Quite a lot of egg left on the table.
- Yeah, it's on the table.
- I cracked mine.
I would've eaten that, but
half of it flopped out.
And I thought, "Well, I'm not
gonna hoover it off the table
like some egg-hungry whore."
I would say, what he left
was what Katherine ate.
OK. These guys cancel
each other out, right?
I mean, I don't want to
be involved in this
decision-making process,
'cause I think
Jon's gonna be angry.
How lovely that you can devise this
show and then hide behind me.
But I think lots of people
left little bits of egg.
So, on this occasion, I am
going to say it's valid.
We've got Richard winning that.
In second place, Doc.
In third place, Jon.
And then Joe on four.
And I don't think Katherine scores,
'cause she didn't do the task.
Time to look at the scores after
the first two tasks. Alex?
OK, well. Doc is way
ahead on nine points.
Oh, whatever.
Next task. What do we have, Alex?
- Me and you?
- Yeah.
We have a lovely relationship and, uh
And next, we've got a
lovely task for you.
- Lovely.
- A lovely task. Here we go.
This?
Yes, please.
Not a trap, is it?
If it's "make a baby"
I'm gonna win.
"Make the best music video
for a nursery rhyme."
"You have one hour and
your time starts now."
Can't think of any nursery rhymes.
You've got kids, come on.
What do you sing to them?
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
Yeah?
"Hey Diddle Diddle", of course
"A cat did a piddle," we
used to sing at school.
"Hey Diddle Diddle"
"The cat did a piddle."
Yes. "All over the kitchen floor."
"A little doggy laughed
to see such fun."
"So the cat did a little bit more!"
Is that one?
Do you know, "Peanut on
a railroad track"
"Heart all a-flutter!"
"Along comes a great big train"
"Choo-choo! Peanut butter!"
OK.
You OK, Joe?
Uh, I'm thinking. I find
you really distracting.
Hmm.
OK, I'm all over it.
None of us know that
song, Katherine.
And you know why?
Because it's clearly a fever
dream you once had.
Richard was the only
one who didn't know
any nursery rhymes off
the top of his head.
Why don't you know any
nursery rhymes?
You were born at 32, weren't you?
I was born at six foot one,
but I was a normal age.
I don't know. I think the
stress of the task.
It's awful, innit, when you
open that envelope?
Nah, it's fine.
Do you wanna start with
the youngest male?
I don't mind who we start with.
I love videos. I love songs.
I love nursery rhymes.
Put them all together.
Let's party.
OK, well, here is--
Here's a party held by
Mr Jon Richardson.
♪
♪
That's quality. That's class.
I mean, the response says
it all. Incredible.
Incredibly disturbing.
It's so weird.
The funny thing is, I'd already
filmed that before the task.
I've written down three things
as I was watching it.
"Nightmarish."
"Creepy."
And then, "Strangely attractive."
It's really great,
I thought. Really great.
I mean, we've all heard
"Three Blind Mice".
I've never imagined it
to be that awful.
Just absolutely horrible.
For children?
It's for children, yeah.
Um, you've heard of it?
Yeah. "Three blind mice,
see how they run"
But I wouldn't show
that to my child.
No.
I don't think Jon wanted you to.
Oh, I beg to differ.
It's no more disturbing
than seeing a peanut
fucked up by a train,
though, is it?
Who's next?
Well, Katherine did aim more
at the youth market.
Yeah, I made a music video for kids!
Yeah. This is Katherine's video.
He's orange
and looking rotten ♪
His toothbrush long forgotten ♪
That's James, James the dirty tooth ♪
Brush, brush! ♪
Candy, crisps and sweets ♪
Gave him brittle roots for feets ♪
That's James, James the dirty tooth ♪
Brush, brush! ♪
I love James ♪
I love James in spite of tooth decay ♪
Gingivitis, plaque, bad breath ♪
We're best friends anyway ♪
But bunnies don't like him.
This hat doesn't like him.
Kittens and foxes and
puppies don't like him.
His parents don't like him.
I love but don't like him.
Yeah, nobody likes him, 'cause James'
oral hygiene stinks.
James the dirty tooth ♪
Go to the dentist.
- I loved it.
- Thanks, Richard.
I mean, it's incredible.
It's like an audition for Glee.
And yet strangely creepy, still.
So, listen. I wrote it because I
really care about oral hygiene,
and I feel like there aren't any
nursery rhymes about it.
Is that allowed? Making up
the nursery rhyme?
God!
- There's no laws--
- Two separate things.
It's a question, "Is that allowed?"
- Secondly, smell this.
- OK.
I assumed that we were
all making them up,
and then I thought, "What do I want
children to know about?"
About a dirty tooth?
That no one will like you if you
don't brush your teeth.
So, you are allowed to make
up nursery rhymes.
There's no rules against that.
Oh, then it's great.
She also wrote the music,
illustrated it, sung it,
and used my awful teeth
to demonstrate how--
You have great teeth.
Thank you for the cameo.
I can fit a pound coin through
my front two teeth.
- Yeah?
- Not that way. That way on.
Is that so you don't get stolen
from supermarkets?
Very good. It was a tour
de force, Katherine.
Well done. What's next?
Uh, well, it's Richard Osman,
and he had a different approach.
Do you want to explain slightly?
I thought, whenever you watch videos,
you watch them on YouTube these days.
The first thing is there's always
an advert on beforehand.
So I enlisted Alex's help. We made
a little advert before our video.
- Ah, nice.
- Shall we watch it?
- Yeah.
- OK.
I used to borrow my
neighbour's wheelbarrow
before I bought a
Johnnson's wheelbarrow.
Now my neighbour asks to
borrow my wheelbarrow!
Hi, Alex. Can I borrow your
Johnnson's wheelbarrow?
No. You have to buy your own
Johnnson's wheelbarrow!
Aaargh!
Johnnson's wheelbarrows
are the best wheelbarrows.
She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪
She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪
She'll be coming round
the mountain ♪
Coming round the mountain ♪
Coming round the mountain
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
She'll be wearing red pyjamas ♪
Wearing red pyjamas ♪
Wearing red pyjamas
when she comes ♪
Was that an homage to
the Verve video?
It was an attempted homage to
"Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.
But done in under an hour for,
I think, £14.17.
Although the Johnnson's wheel-
barrow money came in handy.
I mean, probably my favourite
part of the whole thing
was the idea that Richard
Osman lives in a shed.
Two nursery rhyme videos
left to see.
One from an actual rapper.
One from an actual ridiculous man.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where Katherine Ryan
might give Richard Osman
her unicorn pants.
Back to their nursery rhyme
music videos, Alex.
Yes. So far we've seen the debut
of "James the Dirty Tooth".
We've also seen reversions of
the classic "Three Blind Mice"
and "Coming 'Round the Mountain".
It's Doc Brown next.
The pressure's on, Doc.
Doc Brown.
'Sup, kids?
You know a lot of these nursery rhymes
chat pure gibberish, fantasy.
This one's got some real
talk for you, yeah?
Hashtag truestory.
Yo, it goes
One, two, to the three,
four, five ♪
Once I caught a fish alive ♪
I said six, seven to the
eight, nine, ten ♪
Then I let that little
prick go again ♪
You say, "Why did you let it go?" ♪
Motherfucker bit my finger, bro ♪
"Which finger did it bite?" ♪
This little finger on my right ♪
I mean, what's your problem
with fish, mate?
Not a fish man.
- You're not a fish guy?
- Not a fish man, not an egg man.
I should say, we filmed that,
it took an hour.
There was genuine
It was a mixture of blood
and fake blood.
Why were you bleeding?
Well, because I punched that
salmon in its face so many times.
I had scales off the fish that were
embedded into my actual hand.
I'm not sure it was in the spirit
of the original nursery rhyme,
but it was really good, wasn't it?
Do you want to contrast
that with Joe Wilkinson?
What d'you mean?
Well, it's just different
energy levels, these two.
Here's Joe Wilkinson's attempt.
Oh, Joe. It's gonna be
shit, innit, mate?
Yeah.
Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
With an oink-oink here and
an oink-oink there ♪
Everywhere an oink-oink ♪
With a quack-quack here and
a quack-quack there ♪
Everywhere a quack-quack ♪
With a moo moo-moo here
and a moo-moo there ♪
Everywhere a moo-moo ♪
With a ♪
Neigh-neigh here and
a neigh-neigh there ♪
Everywhere a neigh-neigh ♪
With a cluck-cluck here and
a cluck-cluck there ♪
Everywhere a cluck-cluck ♪
With a baa-baa here and
a baa-baa there ♪
Everywhere a baa-baa ♪
Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
That'll do, won't it?
I found it genuinely annoying.
I did as well.
Why do you think I found
that so annoying?
'Cause he wasn't getting
the song right, Greg.
Correct, Jon.
"Here an oink, there an oink."
"Here a quack, there a quack."
We didn't know where the
oinks were. Or the quacks.
On that farm he had a pig ♪
With a ♪
What song are you singing?
Do you wanna make your mind up?
Do you want to go from least
favourite to favourite?
- I do.
- Do it the other way.
This is the way I see it and the
audience will back me up on it.
Joe, I mean, clearly is in last place.
I'm jumping up to Richard
living in his shed.
Then Katherine, I thought
was excellent,
but that's where I'm placing her.
And then for joint winners,
I'm putting Doc and Jon.
Everyone happy with that?
Another task. A quick one, please.
A quick one? OK, here is
a very quick one.
Here we go.
Another beautiful day ♪
Huh.
"Using this camera"
"Take a picture of an inanimate
object that looks like you."
Pffft. Easy. I look like everything.
"Closest resemblance wins."
OK.
"Your time starts now."
Alright.
I take a picture of an object
that looks like me.
But not an animate object.
An inanima-- An inam-ana-mate object.
Yeah, I'll do that.
Well, I've got a free camera.
Really happy about that.
An inanimate object that
looks like them.
Let's have a look.
OK, we've got all five up here,
so see what you think of these.
I don't know if you
can work out who's who.
D'you know what, if you'd
just shown me the toaster,
I still would've guessed Joe.
Am I supposed to guess
who I think?
Yeah, why not? It's a process
of elimination, I suppose.
OK, well, I think it's
unlikely that anyone else
thinks that they look
like the guy from JLS.
Would've been a very ballsy
call if I'd said that.
The more worrying question is how
I know that's the guy from JLS.
It's Marvin Humes. Do you want
to see him next to Doc?
It's a pretty close resemblance.
It's a desperate call, really.
I saw that doll and I thought, "Boom!"
I don't think you look
like Marvin from JLS
and I think you should be
disqualified for racism.
Wow.
- On what grounds?
- You think Doc should be?
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this!
You think Doc should be
disqualified for racism?
Yeah, he thinks that two black
men look alike. That's racist.
Oh, I get it.
Do you wanna move on
to the toaster?
Yes.
You've deduced it's Joe.
I have, yeah.
We do have a second
picture of Joe where he looks
Well, there's more
of a similarity.
Romping into the lead
Did you already have
the toaster picture?
That is none of your business.
Is that your toaster
with a punch in it?
Yeah, it's a de-stresser.
No, I'm not gonna let it go.
Why has your toaster got
a big punch hole in it?
Because, sometimes
it only browns it on one side.
Let's have a look at Jon's.
OK, this is Jon's.
D'you wanna explain what it is, Jon?
Yes, it's a 3D printout of me.
Whoa!
We do have it here.
Cool!
Oh! Yeah, the actual
thing's incredible.
Actual size.
This is exactly what it looks like
if Jon's standing next to me.
"Ooh"
"Why d'you keep marking me down?"
If you want to keep that as
your good conscience
I do want to keep it.
But not for those purposes.
I mean, I think it's great.
If I'd have just seen the picture,
I'd have said it was shit,
but up close, it's incredible.
Where'd you get that printed off?
- 3D printers.
- Lovely.
OK, we've got Katherine Ryan here.
- On the right.
- Yes.
And Katherine Ryan on the left.
Wow. Whoever the
lady on the left is,
she appears to have incredibly
wide, low-slung breasts.
It's from a box of the shape-
wear known as Spanx.
Yep, you know about Spanx?
- I've seen them.
- Yeah.
And honestly, I found them
really upsetting.
They are very upsetting.
You wanna see the last one?
- Yeah.
- Osman.
I mean, that is incredible.
Even I double-take when
I walk past that.
I always feel safe when
I'm around you, as well.
- There you go.
- That's really brilliant.
The scores are as follows.
In first place, it's Richard Osman.
In second place, it's
Jon Richardson,
and he doesn't deserve it.
Third place, Katherine.
Fourth place, Toaster Face.
Fifth place, Doc. Done.
Very good. On with the
next one, then.
Yes, and this time,
they're gonna order you
- your favourite food, Greg.
- Nyum nyum nyum.
Pizza?
Got a pizza number.
"Order"
"Order the following pizza
for the Taskmaster."
"Extra-large vegetarian pizza"
"with pepperoni and bacon."
"Without tomato and cheese."
"You may not use the
following words."
"Extra-large, vegetarian, pizza."
"Pepperoni, bacon, tomato, cheese."
"Bacon, tomato, cheese."
"You get a bonus point if you
can make the pizza person
say the word 'bubbles'."
Tricky.
Oh, man.
Oh, I'm nervous.
I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?
Here we go.
What sort of trouble do you imagine
you're gonna get into?
It's like a real pizza place.
I don't prank call.
It wasn't a prank call.
We did order the pizzas,
and we had five different
independent pizza places
who didn't know what was happening.
They had to order extra-
large vegetarian pizza
with bacon and pepperoni,
without tomato and cheese,
without saying any of
those useful words.
- OK?
- Yeah.
Do you wanna see Doc and Joe,
the two on the end?
Um, yeah.
OK, phew. Here they are.
"The number you have dialled
has not been recognised."
I'd like to make an order, please.
I'd like one of your round,
doughy meals, please.
The biggest size.
- Extra large?
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry, no. Without
the red sauce,
and without the, um, fromage.
You need a stuffed crust? Garlic?
No extras, no.
- Sorry?
- No extras.
And I would like with it, please,
I would like some, um
circular, thin meat.
What's that called?
The circular, thin
Hello?
When you say "pork", what kind
of pork do you mean there?
Do you mean, like, the type
you have for breakfast?
You know, that you fry up?
That kind of
Slices of pig.
Yeah, it's like a pig.
Like a pig, yeah, but
Slices of pig, what's that?
Um
Oh, God. My mind's gone blank.
You know, like you'd have
with eggs in the morning?
No, no eggs.
No, not eggs. You know,
like you have with eggs.
You know what I mean?
Where you have sausage
- and eggs, and--
- Pork is a sausage.
- Pork is a sausage.
- I know sausage is pork.
I do know that.
- Um, no, no
- Bacon?
Bacon, yeah.
Bone?
No, not bone. B - A - C
Bacon, bacon.
Yes! Do you have any of that?
Yes, we have bacon.
Ah, brilliant.
Lovely. I love you.
Bye-bye.
Do I lose a point for
saying "bacon" back?
You need a sauce? You don't
need the cheese?
- That's exactly right.
- Bacon and pepperoni?
Yeah!
It's a different pizza.
Yeah, it's a different pizza
for a different guy.
Maybe you'll remember me.
She was great.
I can't believe I said
"pizza", though.
You said she was great at the end.
Halfway through, you were
clearly irritated with her.
"I know what sausage is. I do know that."
Like she's the dick in this scenario.
How many mistakes did Doc make?
You're not allowed to say the
word "extra" and he said it--
- I said "extras" about five times.
- Yeah, you did.
Like, at the very beginning.
You said it three times and
then you said "pizza" at the end.
How did Joe do?
One mistake.
That's really good.
And we can see the pizzas.
We obviously went
- and picked up the pizzas.
- Ah, yeah.
- The correct order.
- Oh, wow.
It looks like cheese, but that's
just the base. It's meat on bread.
- Just how I like it.
- Just how you like it.
We're now gonna see Katherine,
Jon and Richard order the pizza.
Hello! Can I please order
like, a venti.
You know, like, your biggest size.
Have you got-- Can you
do a meat-free one?
- Vegetarian, you mean?
- Yes, please.
What are the the discs of
It's, like, spicy pork.
We have got pepperoni, beef
Yes, that please.
Uh, the first one.
The one that's, like, circles?
Pepperoni?
Yes!
It has beef, sausage, bacon,
ham, pepperoni.
Um, could I have the last one?
I mean, it comes all together.
No, but if I could just get it
specially made with just
All I want is two types of
meat, and that would be
Sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm surrounded by people here, all of
whom want something different.
Could I have it without
tomato, please?
Do you have anything else pork?
Salami, garlic sausage, meatball
Do you have a breakfast pizza
or anything like that?
No, we don't have that one.
One is like the breakfast kind.
- You know.
- Bacon?
Yes, that's it!
No dairy on it, if possible.
OK. You want cheese as well, yeah?
No-- No, n-n-n-no, please.
Do they call it a "white pizza" or a
a bianca?
So, have you got one with,
like, a barbecue base?
We do, we do barbecue base.
Lovely, yep.
Have a great day.
- You too. Bye-bye.
- Bye!
Easy!
So easy.
Huh.
Oh
What's wrong?
I might not have told them
that I didn't want cheese.
How may I help you?
Hello, I just spoke to you.
I just placed an order.
Yes, madam.
I don't want the, um
Pie to have the stuff
on it that melts.
You know, the I forget
the word for this as well.
- I'm not from England.
- Cheese?
That's it!
- OK, not a problem. Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Richard was the only one to
not say any of the words.
Katherine said the one,
Jon said the two.
Do you want to see their pizzas?
Katherine and Jon's.
I think, yeah, you can see Jon's
is vegetarian with the meat,
and no tomato and no cheese.
So, that's a pretty strong pizza.
There is tomato, I'm afraid,
on your one, Katherine.
What?!
Despite you saying the word tomato,
yeah. There is tomato on there.
Richard's, on the other hand,
was spectacularly wrong.
There were two.
Yeah, it was smothered in cheese, so
Yeah, they were very muddled.
I loved Katherine's
"I'm not from England".
"I speak fluently but I do not
know the word 'cheese'."
But did someone manage to
get their pizza person
to utter the word "bubbles"?
That's our cliffhanger.
Join us soon for the last
part of the show,
where our five comics will also take
to the stage for our final task.
Welcome back to the
final part of Taskmaster,
where our four comedians and quiz
show co-host Richard Osman
are embarrassing themselves
for the chance to go home
in one of Jon Richardson's cardigans.
Alex, I believe we're on tenterhooks.
Course we were.
We're just about to find out
whether anyone has managed
to get the employee of a pizza
parlour to say the word "bubbles".
Let's see if they did.
Your name, please?
My name is, er, Bublé.
Sorry?
Bublé, spelt B-U-B-B-L-E-S.
That's perfect.
Do you need my name?
Yes, OK. What's your name?
My name is Bubbles.
Bubbles?
Yeah, exactly.
Anyway, can I have the name?
Do you know Michael Jackson?
- Michael Jackson?
- No, that's not the name, though.
Do you remember the
name of his chimp?
Who? Jim?
Yeah, do you have any Diet Coke?
Is it possible to have it, um
Without the gas in it?
Do you have anything flat, without
What do you call it, when
the gas is in the drink?
No, we don't have that
kind of drink.
You don't have any drink without, um
Gas. No, we don't have.
Er OK.
Do you not remember the
name of the monkey?
No, no.
OK, not to worry. We'll see you
in about 15, 20 minutes.
When it melts, it like
gets puffed up with air
and it makes those, uh
Those pockets of air.
What are those?
I have no idea what you're
talking about.
You blow them. They're in the bathtub
and stuff, like, soap makes them
Bubbles?
That's it!
Could you do me a huge
favour and say "bubbles"?
"Bubbles"? No.
Yeah.
OK, no, you don't have to.
I love that he said no.
"No, I won't say 'bubbles'."
Great. And I also love the idea of
Richard Osman's pizza person going
"Ugh. He's going on about
Michael Jackson."
We were getting on quite well.
I didn't realise the mess he was
gonna make of my order.
We were getting on well.
When you ask for a fizzy drink, Jon
Do you say sometimes
"No bubbles"?
Without the bubbles in it.
Katherine, Doc and Joe all
got them to say "bubbles".
- They all get a bonus point.
- Right.
In terms of the task itself, Jon got
the most accurate pizza order.
So, he wins it. Yeah.
So, it goes Jon, then Joe
Only got the one mistake.
Then Katherine, then Doc,
then Richard. OK?
That's the first time you've
ever read out a score
and Jon hasn't had some
sort of objection.
That's weird!
Well, I actually think-- No.
How's that affected the scores?
Ah, well, interesting.
There's two points between
the top two people.
And they are Doc, and then Jon
in first place, on 20 points.
OK, time to stretch your legs a little.
Will you all please head to the stage
for the final task of the show?
There they are, in all their glory.
Joe, would you please read
out tonight's final task?
There we go, Joe.
"Using these big chopsticks,
get these potatoes into your basket."
Oh, for fff
"You must only hold the big chopsticks
on the grips provided."
"The big chopsticks alone
may touch the potatoes."
Oh, ta.
"Whoever has the most
potatoes in their basket
after a hundred seconds wins."
What was the middle bit of that?
You have to hold them on the grips.
I've read it once, mate.
Yeah, so you can pick up your
chopsticks now, if you want.
Do you think we should penalise
Richard Osman straight away
'cause these are like normal-
sized chopsticks for him.
Good luck, everyone.
Your time starts
Oh, oh, oh! Richard Osman.
What are you doing?
This is interesting. They're all
on there, aren't they?
- They're all on there.
- Oh, no!
Oh, this is interesting.
This is an angle, innit?
Yeah, thought so.
Richard Osman's finished.
It's too hard!
Oh, you little fucker.
15 seconds!
Go in the fucking thing!
Okay, and--
Really dignified.
Good. Let's bring you all back down
here to discuss your tactics.
Interesting variation in styles.
Alex, who did best, who did worst,
and who did between best and worst?
Well, I guess we have to deal
with Richard Osman first.
It said on the task, which
Joe read so clearly
Thank you.
"The cues alone may touch the potato."
And I think they weren't alone
in touching the potato.
I did not hear him say that.
What you heard was
"The cues and big old massive
hands can touch the potatoes."
I really hated that task, Alex.
Oh, why? Are you not a potato man?
Not a potato man.
Katherine got half her potatoes in.
Five out of ten.
Jon Richardson managed
to get not ten out of ten,
11 out of ten. You took one of Joe's.
Great, and what's that done
to the final scores?
Well, I can say the person
who's won the show
has also taken control of the
overall lead of the series.
And that man is Mr Jon Richardson.
So, Jon Richardson is today's winner!
Jon, please go up and collect
your terrible clothes.
And what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt that Richard Osman
is the only person brave
enough to eat an egg.
That Katherine Ryan can write genuinely
brilliant nursery rhymes.
We've learnt that Jon Richardson
is shorter than a snooker cue.
We've learnt that Doc
Brown punches fish.
We've learnt that Joe Wilkinson
is definitely gonna come
last in this series.
But mainly, we've learnt that
tonight's winner is Jon Richardson!
Thank you, everybody. Good night!