Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanations ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
[lively music playing]
- Okay, adios.
Buenas noches.
Vamos a la playa.
Dinner was bueno.
- Babe, you don't need
to speak Spanish.
These people
are from New Jersey, honey.
- Well, you know I like
to soak in the experience.
- Okay, assholes
- [gasps]
- Give me your money.
- Hey, you're messing
with the wrong guy.
I'm a grade school gym teacher,
so I'm in my top
physical condition.
- Actually, I targeted you
'cause you just
stuffed your face with nachos
for half an hour.
In the mugging community,
you're what we call
an easy target.
- Okay, okay, tone it down.
- Oh, my God!
Honey, stop him!
- He got a gun.
- No, no, no,
it's a piece of salami.
But it hurts
if I slap you with it.
- Ow. Hey, man.
- Yeah.
- Stop.
- No, I'm not gonna stop.
- Baby, fight back.
- Ow.
- He's robbing us
with a salami.
- Normally I would fight back,
but I'm wearing my good shirt.
- I like that shirt,
by the way.
Hand it over.
- Okay, take the shirt.
- Oh, my God.
- Pants too,
so I've got the full outfit.
- Honey, don't give him
your pants!
- He said he need
a full outfit.
Don't argue with the guy.
- All right,
you guys have a great night.
And thanks for being
such a pussy.
It makes the whole exchange
so much easier.
[school bell rings]
- Kids, I'm gonna tell it
to you straight:
The world is a rough place,
and if you don't know
how to fight,
some maniac is gonna slap you
with a salami
in front of your wife.
- Strange start to gym class.
- So today we're learning
self-defense.
Let's start with
the four A's of tae kwon do:
"Always attack any asshole."
- I'm Korean, and I'm pretty
sure that's not accurate.
- Yes, it is.
Tom, you look like a victim.
So come up and participate in
a real-life mugging simulation.
- Mugging simulation? No.
Who am I simulating with?
[door bangs open]
- Okay, you little weirdos.
Who wants to wrestle?
- Oh, no.
I'm not--I'm not fighting
the janitor.
- Come on, Tom.
- Do it.
- Yeah, Tom, do it.
- Jacob,
play the tae kwon do music.
- You got it, boss.
[rock music playing]
- Tae kwon do ♪
- There's no such thing
as tae kwon do music.
- Hey, I'm gonna tae kwon do
the heck outta you.
- All right, come on.
He's way too big.
Let me fight Dakota instead.
- It's gonna be a no. Sorry.
- I'm not fighting
a drunk janitor.
- Tom, stop making excuses.
- Is this happening?
- You afraid of me?
- Of course I'm afraid.
I'm a ten-year-old kid.
Come on.
Stop it.
Someone call the principal.
- In the real world,
there are no principals.
Just grown men slapping you
with a salami.
- [grunting] Gotcha!
You been tae kwon do'd!
- You don't use a mop
in tae kwon do.
There's no mop in tae kwon do.
I did not come across
looking good, did I?
- Everybody think you weak now,
Tom.
- I'm not in
that guy's weight class.
I shouldn't be fighting
grown janitors.
It's not fair.
- The world's not fair.
You know what you gotta do?
You gotta tap into
your inner rage.
- Inner rage?
I don't have any inner rage.
- Everybody got inner rage.
You just gotta manifest it.
What would you do if
somebody stole your backpack?
- Stole my backpack?
I'd kick their ass.
- That's what I'm talking about
right there.
What would you do
if somebody stole your mom?
- Do people do things
like that?
- Yeah.
- I feel angry
just thinking about it.
- That's the rage I wanna see
right there.
- All right,
if it ever happens again,
at least now I know.
- Ooh.
Yummy, string cheese.
Don't mind if I do.
- Always attack any asshole.
Tae kwon do!
- Ahh!
- I have nothing to do
with this.
- What the hell?
- [groaning]
- Why's everyone looking at me?
I'm doing what I was taught.
- Tom,
that was for self-defense,
not a kid nibbling
on a string cheese.
God.
- Come on. He attacked me.
He attacked the cheese.
both: What?
- He assaulted
my string cheese.
- No, Randy said,
"Yummy, string cheese,"
and you kick him in the face?
- [groaning]
- Did he say,
"Yummy, string cheese"?
- He said,
"Yummy, string cheese," Tom.
- [groaning]
- Huh.
- "Huh" is right.
[dramatic music]
- I can explain.
It was self-defense.
- Tom
- Yeah?
- I just don't know how
to get it through
to some of you kids,
and I know
this is highly frowned upon,
but I thought it through, Tom,
and I'm going to do
a closed-door spanking.
- No, no, plea--
oh, is that what this is?
- Yes. I'm gonna spank
the violence out of you.
- Oh, for your sake, don't.
It's--it's a career-ender.
- That's why I'm asking you
to sign this release
that says you're okay
with some mild spanking.
- I'm not signing that.
- Lay down on my desk,
and let's get this over with.
- Oh, my God.
- Tom, come here.
- No. I'm not doing it.
- Tom, stop walking.
You're not going anywhere.
- Get away.
- Tom, come here.
- Get off. Oh, my God.
- It's gonna make it worse.
Have you ever seen
those cop things?
- Principal, Randy's--
- Tom!
- Oh, my God, stop!
What is happening
in this school?
- Okay, it's not
what it looks like.
- Okay, 'cause it looks like
you're spanking a student
behind closed doors.
- Yeah, I think it is
what it looks like.
There's not a lot of ways
to interpret this.
[mic feedback screeching]
- Hi, everybody.
Due to recent events where I
uh, "spanked the shit
out of Tom,"
I'm now being told that we need
more female leadership,
so here's the nurse.
She's gonna say a few words.
There we go.
That'll fix everything.
- Thank you, freak.
Jacob, can I get
some gentle music, please?
[soft music playing]
Listen, kids.
We all get angry[chuckles]
But what if
every time you got mad,
you channeled that energy
into a hug?
The world might be
a better place.
all: Aww.
- Let's try it.
Everyone stand up--come on--
and hug the person
to your left.
- Aww, that was nice.
- That's beautiful.
Now hug the person
to your right.
Oh, amazing, everyone.
- What the hell?
- What--what's wrong?
What happened?
- Tom just shoved his face
between my boobs.
- Boobs? No, we were hugging.
- You motorboated me.
- Motorboat?
What does that mean?
- Tom, did you or did you not
motorboat the lunch lady?
- I don't know
what the expression means.
- I'm taking
the rest of the day off,
because this is--
this is too much.
- If a little kid hugs
a grown-up,
you're gonna touch some part
of someone's boob.
- Tom, you really packed a lot
into one day at school.
- Once you fight a janitor,
the whole day can get away
from you.
- Hey, Tom,
how's it hanging, my bro?
- How's it hanging? Not great.
I keep getting in trouble.
- We know.
We're so impressed.
- Oh, it's a good thing.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We were thinking, um,
why don't you come sit
in the back of the bus?
- You think I'm cool enough
for the back of the bus?
- Tom, you motorboated
the lunch lady.
If that's not the pinnacle
of cool,
then frankly,
I don't know what is.
- All right,
let's take it for a spin.
Nelson, let's do it.
We're gonna move to the back.
- Listen, buddy.
We gotta pump the brakes
on the Nelson of it all.
- There ain't no pumpin'
no brakes on me.
Just to be clear,
I'm the cool one in this duo.
- Yeah, he is.
- By a wide margin.
You know what a margin is?
- Are you?
I--you wear
a monogrammed belt buckle,
and I heard your burner phone
is actually
part of your mom's
cell phone plan.
- You been lying to me
this whole time?
- That's a lie.
Don't listen to them, Tom.
- Oh, man,
this is a tough decision.
- You actually gonna leave me?
- Well, I think
I'm gonna do this.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
- I don't know
how to feel about this.
- There's no rules
back there, Tom.
It's every man for himself.
- It sounds exciting.
Whole new adventure.
All right, Nelson,
I'll call you later.
We'll play wiffle ball.
- Tom!
Don't talk to people
in the front of the bus.
It defeats the whole purpose.
- All right.
- Wow, Bus Driver,
what are we gonna talk about
now that Tom's gone?
- Well, Nelson, it's time
for some hard truths.
Without Tom, you and I have
nothing to talk about.
- This is fun.
What do we do?
Just hang out behind T.J. Maxx
all day?
- Uh, nah,
we mostly do crazy shit
and post it
to our YouTube channel.
- Why don't we shoot one
right now?
Mike, bear hug Tom
until he passes out.
- What? No.
- And we are rolling.
- Oh, can't--can't breathe!
- Tom,
look right at the camera.
- I can't see!
- Yeah, because your eyes
are rolling back in your head.
Focus up, dude.
- He's out.
- Oh, he's out!
- [laughing] He's out, dude.
- This one's called
"Idiot in Dryer,"
and just have fun with it.
- All right.
I'm not getting in the dryer,
though,
so how are we gonna shoot this?
- Tom, you're getting
in the dryer, dude.
- Oh, no. Stop.
Stop. Hey, hey, hey! Ahh!
I think we got what we need.
We got what we need, guys.
Cut it.
- You know what's funny?
When he's in there, he looks
like a bunch of wet socks.
- A bunch of wet socks.
- That hurts.
- People are going nuts
for your videos.
- Really?
- They're loving it.
- But we do have one note.
- Okay.
- You gotta get crazier.
- Crazier?
- We want to shoot
a video called,
"Imbecile Humps Mannequin
Then Gets Tased."
- What would happen exactly?
- Hump a mannequin,
then get tased.
I feel like these are
pretty self-explanatory.
- Like this? Is this humping?
- [chuckling] Oh, my God.
- Whoa!
Not on my watch, pal!
- No!
- Tase!
- Ahh!
- Taser!
- [grunting]
- Tom, I don't know
how to say this,
but you're doing too good.
[knocking on door]
- Thomas
- Oh, this can't be good.
- We need to talk.
- Something wrong?
- I was online
trolling Tina the Masseuse,
and I came across some vids.
- Oh.
- "Moron Puts Head in Toilet."
- Don't look at those.
- "Dipshit Puts Squirrel
Down Pants."
- Oh, no. Am I in trouble?
- Trouble? No.
I was trying to have, like,
a stern tone to trick you.
You're famous, Tom!
- Oh. Oh, this is a good thing?
- Yes, boy,
this is a great thing.
How much money
are you guys making?
- How much money?
That's Phil's department.
But I think it's, like,
upwards of five Gs a month.
- Tom, you know that's more
than I make, right?
- It seems like
you don't make a lot, yeah.
- Tell me if this is hasty,
but um
I'm thinking
what if you drop out of school
and start pursuing this
full-time?
- I don't think they let you
drop out when you're ten.
- This could be very lucrative.
If you do more asinine stuff,
add a little danger
into the mix,
Tom, you could be retired
by the time you're 11.
- All right. Been a crazy day.
One minute, you're sticking
your head in a toilet,
the next, you're done
with your education.
- You're dropping out?
- That's right, baby.
- That is beyond cool.
- My mom was really upset,
and I said,
"Hey, old lady,
I'm dropping out."
- Damn, dude, I love
talking back to my parents.
Or parent.
- Listen.
You need to do something epic
on your last day.
Phil, you thinking
what I'm thinking?
both: "Nimrod Farts
in Bus Driver's Face."
- Didn't see that coming,
but hey, I like it.
- Yeah, I mean, me and Tom
still cool, you know.
He haven't been to wiffle ball
in a while.
He don't answer my calls,
but--oh, what's up, Tom?
You back, baby, I--
- Shh.
- Did you just shush me?
- Nelson, we're filming.
Can you close your mouth?
- Wow. Tom, you've changed.
- Nelson,
you gotta stop talking.
We're trying to get
the establishing shot.
- Been a while since
you've been up front, huh?
Wait, what the heck is going--
- Just drive the bus.
- Hey, you're trying to fart
in my face, aren't you?
- Toot at him, Tom.
- Blow him away!
Show him what you got!
- I can't fart on command,
guys.
It's too much pressure.
- This is too dangerous, Tom!
Not while I drive the bus!
- Tom, stop!
- Oh, my God.
We're all gonna die.
- We're gonna crash!
[all screaming]
[crashing]
Oh, great. Now I farted.
[siren wailing]
- Hi, Tom.
Hey, just wanna let you know
we got ahold of your mom,
and she is on her way down
just as soon as she can
"upload the fart video
to all social platforms."
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, I know what that means.
- You feel good
about that information?
'Cause it didn't make any sense
to us.
- That does make sense, yeah.
- Good, good, good.
Well, you won't be lonely,
though.
You have some visitors.
Looks like all your friends
are here.
Come on in, guys.
- What's up, playboy?
- Hi, Tom.
- Hello, Thomas.
- That's a weird group.
- Tom, this ain't
a friendly visit.
It's a intervention.
- Oh, why?
'Cause we crashed the bus?
I'm sorry
I farted in your face.
- Yeah, the bus got crashed,
Tom.
We're concerned about you.
- No, sounds like
you guys are jealous.
The videos are doing great.
I'm the coolest kid in school
these days.
- Well, yeah,
that's exactly the problem.
You're too damn cool.
When we were your age,
we were cool too.
- But cool kids grow up
to be losers.
You know what I'm saying?
- No, come on.
You're not losers.
You guys are killing it.
- Tom,
I'm an unlicensed bus driver.
- You don't have a license?
- No.
Glenn works at a pretzel place.
- And I'm not even allowed
to touch the pretzels.
You know what I'm saying?
They keep me in the back
like some kind of freak.
- They do?
- Yep.
They call me Pretzel Freak.
- Pretzel Freak?
This is a really depressing
conversation.
- Point is, these guys,
they peaked in grade school,
and we don't want that
to happen to you.
- You know what?
You guys might be right.
So what do I do?
- You gotta do
a positive video, Tom.
- So what, just make videos
about listening to your parents
and cleaning up?
- Yeah.
Like you feeding a squirrel
or teaching a bird how to fly.
- That's a great idea.
Those are all wack ideas.
- All right, great.
Thanks for swinging by.
Why don't you just bring it in,
give me a hug, and
- No, I heard some weird things
about your hugs.
So that's gonna be a hard pass
for me.
[school bell rings]
- Oh, guys, thanks again
for doing this.
- You're looking good.
Skin glowing.
You ready to do this?
- Yeah.
This is the real Tom.
Let's do it.
- Hell yeah.
[soft music playing]
- All right, we're rolling.
Action.
- Hi, there. This is Tom.
You may know me
from such classic videos as
"Imbecile Slaps Himself Silly"
or "Moron Eats Garbage,"
but I'm here to tell you
there's another way to be cool.
That's why I'm here cleaning up
litter at my school.
- Whoa, cut the camera.
- I'm sorry.
Hey, we're filming here.
- What the eff are you doing?
- Just trying to make
a difference.
Cleaning up
this filthy schoolyard.
- That garbage belongs to me.
Put it back, or I'm gonna
tae kwon do you again.
[grunts]
- I'm not fighting you.
I'm making a video
about being a good citizen.
- Hiyah! [grunting]
- Wait.
What the hell
is going on outside?
- [grunting]
- All right. Hate to do this.
Here it comes.
Tae kwon do! [grunts]
- [groaning]
- Oh, that doesn't look good.
I gotta get out of here.
See you later.
- Did Tom just throw garbage
all over the school,
then kick the janitor
in the balls?
- I mean, the guy's a legend.
- Greatest of all time.
[rock music]
- Tae kwon do ♪
♪
[soft orchestral music playing]
♪
- Hey, Mr. B?
- Oh, dear God.
- Sorry to interrupt.
I got great news.
I did some soul searching,
and I realized
how much I miss you guys.
Tom's back on bassoon, baby.
Let's play.
[playing funky music]
♪
- Yay?
What's the appropriate response
here?
- How ironic.
Tom has come groveling back
like a worm.
- Like a worm? I thought
this would be
a much more emotional reunion.
- Let me ask you a question,
Tom.
- Oh, God. Yeah?
- Does the world really need
another subpar bassoonist?
- I mean, based on your tone,
I'm guessing no, we don't.
- If you wish to rejoin band,
it'll have to be on
a less desirable instrument,
like the triangle or maracas.
- A lot of maracas
in Stravinsky songs?
- Not a lot, Tom, no.
- Oh, Nelson,
I've got a dilemma.
- What's going on?
- I need to pick
a new instrument,
and I think I'm gonna go
with triangle.
- Tom, if you play triangle,
you will never date a girl
as long as you live.
- Why not?
- Have you ever seen a movie
where a girl says, "That
triangle player is so hot"?
- Doesn't sound like
great dialogue.
- And can you imagine,
"Mom, I'm having a baby."
"Who's the father?"
"The triangle player." No.
- No, let's get
another opinion here.
Dakota, can I ask you
a question?
- Yeah. Hit me.
- If we were older,
do you think
you'd be attracted to me
if I was a triangle player?
- Uh, no.
- Just no?
- Mm-mm.
- Because of me
or the triangle?
- I think it's the combo.
- Yasmine, you wanna weigh in?
- Um
- You don't wanna hear
what she has to say about this.
- All right, you know,
this is not a conclusive poll.
This is really
very unscientific.
- Okay, you need to aim higher,
Tom.
- Well, I'm being told
I stink, so
- Who's filling your head
with that junk?
- Oh, you know, Mr. B.
He just said
I'm the worst musician
in the tristate area.
- Don't listen to Mr. B.
Mr. B can suck a D.
- Mr. B can suck a what?
- I have a friend
who teaches piano.
He will hook you up, Tom.
- Tickling with Troy?
What's that supposed to mean?
- It's a play on
"tickling the ivories."
He's not literally gonna tickle
you during the lessons, Tom.
Come on.
- He must--I mean,
a grown man printing flyers,
he must know what he's doing.
[piano chords playing]
- Ooh, that's wonderful.
- That's good?
- Beethoven's got nothing
on this guy.
[piano chords playing]
- How's that?
- You're making Strauss
look like an idiot.
You're a natural.
- Oh, my God.
I'm not used to this much
positive reinforcement.
- Well, Tom,
you're doing great.
And you know what that means.
- What?
What is this?
What are you doing?
- What?
What do you mean?
- Why are you tickling me?
- Uh, it's called
positive reinforcement.
- I was promised
there'd be no tickling.
- Wow.
What kind of maniac
would show up
to Tickling with Troy
and then get weird
when there's frickin' tickling?
- I thought it was a play
on the phrase
"tickling the ivories."
- I've never heard that
expression in my entire life.
- You've never heard it?
- Never.
- Let's just do it.
Let's just get back into it.
Let's not tickle.
Let's not giggle.
I got a big audition tomorrow,
and I only know three chords.
[piano chords playing]
- I'll tell you what, Tom.
How about you walk your ass
out of my studio?
- Oh, no.
- I've devoted my entire life
to teaching kids
- Oh, my God.
- Through dedication
and tickling.
I ought to tickle you to death!
[door slams]
- Just for the record, he's
literally gonna tickle you.
Just be aware of that.
- Yeah, they know.
You don't have to tell them.
[dramatic music]
[doorbell ringing]
- Tom. What are you doing here?
- Listen,
it's a bit of an emergency.
You're my only friend
with a piano.
I just need to come in
and practice
for a couple hours.
- Uh, we're kinda
in the middle of dinner.
- No, it really kind of needs
to happen--I'm coming in.
- I'm sorry. No.
- I'm coming in.
- I love you, but no.
- I'm coming in.
- You can't come in.
- I'm gonna let myself in.
- Tom!
- Come on.
- What are you doing?
- You're gonna love it; it'll
be pleasant background music.
- You're out of control, Tom.
- If you have any requests,
I know the chords C, G, and E.
[piano music playing]
- If I blew my head off
right now,
I wouldn't be sad.
Brad, you have to say
something.
- Just let the kid play.
- Are you scared
of a little kid?
- No, I'm not afraid
of a little--I'm a man.
- [laughing]
You're a big man now.
A big man.
- I have hair down there.
- Oh, my God.
- Stop being such a wuss,
and tell him to stop!
- Fine.
The combination of his music
and your voice
is an assault on my ears.
A wuss wouldn't say that.
[laughs]
- As a family,
we really need to work
on our dinner conversation.
- I know, and you know what?
Tonight, I'm gonna ask God
to help us.
♪
- Hey, Tom,
what are you working on?
- Uh, I got my audition
tomorrow,
and I only know three chords.
- That's all you need.
- What?
- A lot of great songs
only use three chords.
Like my song
"My Wife Just Doesn't Get It."
[playing piano]
A, C, G.
- You serious?
- "Why Does My Wife Insist
On Belittling Me In Public"?
E, C, D.
- Oh, I know three chords.
All right. I guess I'm all set.
Thanks.
- But if you really want
to impress your teacher,
you need to write originals.
- No, I'm not creative.
- Tom,
in the world of creativity,
everyone just borrows
and steals.
- What do you mean, I can
just steal someone's song?
- How do you think
Michael Jackson
became Michael Jackson
or Juice Newton became
Juice Newton?
- Juice Newton was just
stealing songs?
- Just make a few tweaks
and call it "inspiration."
- I love it. That sounds easy.
- Here. Here's my old keyboard
and a free CD of my wife songs.
- "Dakota's Dad Loathes
His Wife."
That's a weird title
for an album.
Oh, wow, you really have, like,
thousands of them, don't you?
- Let's just say I greatly
overestimated the demand.
♪
- Hey,
look at that squirrel ♪
Reminds me of my Uncle Bill ♪
He's so chubby ♪
- Hey, there, Tom.
- Oh, hey there, Big Rick.
- What's going on?
No more bassoon?
- Oh, no,
I'm playing piano now.
I'm banging out original songs.
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
You wrote original songs?
- I wrote a whole album, yeah.
It's called "The Tom Album."
- Like what? What do you got?
- I got
"I'm Sittin' on the Bus."
- Uh-huh.
- I got one called
"I Need to Pee."
- Mm-hmm.
- I got
"Autumn With My Bassoon."
- So there's some bassoon--
you're still doing
some of the bassoon stuff?
- Yeah, singing about bassoons
on the piano.
- This doesn't feel like
an album's worth of stuff,
to be honest, right now.
- I got a song called
"I Love Cookies."
- Wait, what? What's it called?
- Wanna hear "I Love Cookies"?
- Yes, I do wanna hear that.
- All right.
It goes a little something
like, uh
I don't like tucking in
my shirt ♪
And I don't like
cleaning my bassoon ♪
There's only one thing
I love ♪
I love cookies ♪
- Tom, that is very impressive.
- You like the cookie one?
- Like? I love it.
My agency is doing
a Super Bowl commercial
for Pepperidge Farm
- Stop.
- And we need a catchy song.
Would you like to license me
the rights to "I Love Cookies"?
- You would actually use
my song?
- Absolutely. Not only that,
it's a great backstory.
The human interest.
"Pepperidge Farm bought
a song from a little tiny kid."
- This is exciting.
I can't wait to tell
my bandmates.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- You're in the big leagues
now.
It's time to leave
those losers behind.
- Leave the losers behind? Why?
- You're Super Bowl Tom.
Start acting like it.
[hip-hop music]
- Super Bowl Tom ♪
♪
Super Bowl Tom ♪
♪
- Dakota, watch your fingering.
- Hey, Mr. B.
Do you mind hitting pause
on whatever
silly nonsense
you got going on there?
- Uh, yes, Tom,
I do mind hitting pause.
You can wait,
and your audition can wait
with you.
- Listen,
I'm not here to audition.
I'm here to actually quit.
- I'm not sure
you're aware of this,
but you can't quit something
that you don't belong to.
- Oh, yeah? Watch me.
I'm just gonna say it.
In the words of a, uh,
very wise bus driver,
"Mr. B can suck a D."
- [gasps]
- Oh! Tom!
- What?
Does D mean something bad?
- You can't say that
to an adult.
- Super Bowl Tom can say
whatever he wants.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna moonwalk
my way outta here.
- Wow.
God, that was a good moonwalk.
[electronic dance music]
- Okay, guys, I'm making
my grand entrance.
Get it up there.
High fives all around.
- Yeah!
- Tommy!
Who knew he had it in him?
- Whoo-hoo!
- Way to go, Tom.
- How cool is this guy? Tommy!
- Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom.
- Whoa, Tom, man, you guys
really went all out
for this Super Bowl party.
- Hey, you know what
Super Bowl Tom says, right?
Go big or go home.
- Proud of you, Tom.
You're finally not
an embarrassment to the family.
- That's a weird compliment,
but thanks, Grandma.
- Okay, hey, everyone shut up.
Close your dumb mouths
right now.
Tom's Pepperidge Farm
commercial
is coming on
right after kickoff.
Tom, honey, say a few words.
- I just wanna say thank you
to all the little people
who helped me achieve
my dreams.
Rick, Dakota's dad,
the bus driver,
the Lord,
the band The Donkey Dick
who rerecorded my song.
Great job, guys.
- Thanks a lot, Super Bowl Tom.
We appreciate you.
- I couldn't have done it
without you all.
All right. Sit back and enjoy.
- And what a start
to the Super Bowl!
We'll be right back
after this break.
- I don't like tucking in
my shirt ♪
I don't like cleaning
my bassoon ♪
There's only one thing
I love ♪
I love cookies ♪
- Tom, this is the best
commercial I've ever seen.
I'm so proud of you.
- Pepperidge Farm cookies ♪
- Oh, my God.
[all groaning]
- What the hell?
- That little shit stole
my song!
- Little shit--what's this?
- That was the title track
for my wife CD.
- You told me it's okay
to borrow.
- Borrow?
You copied it note for note.
There were no tweaks!
I love hanging out
with my bros ♪
I love strumming
on my guitar ♪
There's only one thing
I loathe ♪
I loathe my wife ♪
- Damn, Tom, you really did
copy it note for note.
- There are similarities.
I'm not gonna deny that.
- You mean how
it's the same damn song
except for one word?
- Oh, come on, I changed "wife"
to "cookies" and
both: "Loathe" to "love."
- Now it's my song, right?
- The hell it is your song.
- I mean, I heard
the music business was shady,
but this is--this is low.
- Damn right, it's low.
I'm gonna tell everyone in town
just what kind of rat you are,
Tom.
- Come on. Have some guacamole.
- Take your guacamole
and shove it up your ass!
[door slams]
- Oh, God.
- I've never hosted
a party before.
Are they always
this depressing?
- Careful, honey.
If he stole a song
from Dakota's dad,
he might try to steal our baby.
- Keep walking, sinner.
We don't need your kind here.
[somber music]
- Thanks for ruining cookies,
Tom.
I'll never eat Pepperidge Farm
again.
- Feels like a bit much.
♪
[horn honking]
- Hey, little man.
- Not a good time.
- You look
abnormally depressed.
- I messed up big time.
My life is over.
- What happened?
Pubes not coming in
in a timely fashion?
- Nothing to do with pubes.
I stole someone's song
and sold it to Pepperidge Farm.
- Hmm.
- I insulted my bandmates.
- Uh-huh.
- I told Mr. B to suck a D.
It turns out D means penis.
No one told me that.
- It does. D means peen.
- Oh, it's a disaster.
- You know what?
Go easy on yourself.
We all do messed-up things.
- What do you mean?
You've done stuff like that?
- Yes.
I shortchange kids all the time
if I think they can't count.
- That's awful.
- I abandoned by fiancée
at the altar.
- I remember that.
- Oh, yeah.
And I've nailed about
half the moms on this block.
- You've nailed half the moms?
- Yeah.
That doesn't make me
a bad person.
- Kind of. A little bit.
- Not if you say you're sorry.
- That's it?
You just say sorry?
- Mm-hmm. Magic words.
- Just say sorry.
That's amazing.
You know, thank you,
ice cream man.
You're a--you're actually
a pretty good guy.
- I'm really not,
but I'm glad I could help.
- Wait, have you been
shortchanging me?
I have a bad feeling
you've been shortchanging me.
- Never. I would never do that.
- Never.
- Nor would I nail your mom.
[dramatic music]
♪
- Hey, Tom, what's up, man?
What you doing here?
I thought you was banned
from the band.
- I am. Listen.
I'm gonna storm the stage
and do a Kanye-style mic grab.
- Now?
- Yeah. I need to say sorry
to everyone.
- Okay, okay, that's great.
What are you gonna say?
- "Sorry, everyone."
- What? That's it?
You gonna storm the stage,
say sorry to everyone,
and then sit back down?
- I didn't really
think it through. Yeah.
- Tom, you need to run
this stuff by me first.
Public apologies
are a art form these days.
- Oh, well,
let's write something quickly.
I gotta go up in three minutes.
- Here we go.
"Heartfelt apologies."
3 million results.
- Oh, wow.
That does sound better
than just saying sorry.
- You're welcome.
- What are you doing here,
by the way?
- Oh.
Man, I bootleg the performances
and sell 'em back
to the parents for $9.
- Not your best side hustle.
- I know, I know, Tom,
but I gotta keep busy.
- You know,
when I asked your children
what they wanted to play,
they all said, and in unison,
"Igor Stravinsky."
Now--oh.
- Mr. B, listen.
I'm gonna let you finish.
I just want to say a few words.
- Dear Lord.
This can't be happening.
- I'd like to issue
a formal apology.
Dakota, new bassoon kid,
can you give me
something gentle to talk over?
[soft music playing]
That's nice. Thank you.
Friends, teachers, janitor,
I'll spend the rest of my life
trying to earn back trust
and apologize to people.
I'm definitely embarrassed.
Listen, that was the last time
I won the Tour de France--
- Wait, are you reading
Lance Armstrong's apology?
- No, I don't believe so.
- Then why are you talking
about the Tour de France?
- Oh, you know what?
That was the wrong one.
All right, here we go.
Here's what I wrote.
I wish I had the chance to live
those few moments again,
but I have told Rihanna
countless times--
- No, that's
Chris Brown's apology.
- Chris who? What?
- That's not yours.
Why are you apologizing
to Rihanna?
- I don't know.
That's what's on the phone.
- Oh, now you're just
ripping off apology speeches?
The nerve of this kid!
[crowd booing]
- No, no, don't boo.
- Get off the stage!
- Band, let us play Tom off
with "Don Juan's
Descent Into Hell."
- No, let's keep it snappy.
Let's keep it upbeat.
All right, Nelson,
stop filming.
No one wants to see this.
- This gon' be good.
I might have to charge $12
for this one.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life
is the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
If ever there's a drought ♪
I've listed the puddles ♪