That Mitchell and Webb Look (2006) s02e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
(Man) And action! And it was here, in these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, that could see further than the human eye, the great British secret weapon, radar.
(Man) Cut! Erm yeah, that's all good.
It's just the hands.
Do you want me to move them more for emphasis? - Actually, move them less.
- Right-o.
You're the telly expert.
(Clears throat) (Man) And action! And it was here, in these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, that could see further than the human eye - Cut! - Something wrong with the camera? Er no.
But there is something wrong with your hands.
Not enough hand action.
- Too much.
- Really? You're sure? No, of course, you've won a BAFTA.
You wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
(Clears throat) (Man) And action! - And it was here, in these skies - Cut! that the Ha-ha! Take that, you beauty! Oh, no! Oh, stop it! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! (Giggles) Oh, that's great stuff.
Fantastic! Ha-ha-ha! OK, guys, guys.
Listen up, listen up, guys.
Look it's bad news.
I've just been talking to the parish council, and they strongly feel we should drop the dame rape for this year's panto.
- What? - I know how you feel about this But it's traditional.
It's everyone's favourite bit.
I'm sorry but the message I'm getting loud and clear from the parish council is that it's offensive in this day and age.
Oh, what? What next? I suppose they're gonna tell us Cinderella can't suck off the panto horse.
Well, I'm afraid they did voice some concern.
But Mrs Edwards has built a contraption that makes it jizz.
That's right.
Look, I'm just Don't shoot the messenger.
But that's the only bit of gore in the whole thing.
- I know and I'm sorry.
- Oh, this is ridiculous! First the dwarf-gassing scene has to go, then the "Mr Wolf Wank" song gets cut.
Buttons has to be wearing clothes, which means his name is not a joke anymore.
I must say I'm on the point of walking.
Tell me, Alan.
Can we still force-feed Mother Goose and throw her pâté at the audience? - Yeah, they're fine with that.
- OK.
It's terrible what some people do to animals.
We're here to help repair the damage, do what we can to make them better.
- Here we go.
What is it? - Pheasant.
Gunshot through the chest.
Not again! Let's get him through.
First we remove the feathers to make it easier to get to the wound.
Then we use salves and unguents to start the healing process.
Terry? Yes, I'm using a salve made of olive oil.
A bit or rosemary.
Some salt and pepper.
It sounds odd but it's the best chance these pheasants have got.
- Are you gonna bandage the wound? - Done it already.
I used bacon! Again, it sounds odd, but medically it does the trick.
Well, hang in there, little chap.
Other methods we use involve suppositories.
We try to use the most natural ingred er, medicines that we can.
So, a typical suppository may contain sage, perhaps chestnuts, maybe some mushrooms.
It can work wonders.
Damn, we've lost him.
No pulse, no respiration.
Oh, that humanity! Don't worry, you did your best.
I can't stand losing them.
I'll see him the rest of the way.
This is the crematorium.
These ovens are much like the ones you'd find in a kitchen but much hotter.
We try to give them some dignity in death.
We put some special tokens of their life in with them.
So, for example, with this pheasant, we've got some carrots and potatoes and a few shallots.
So, 15 minutes a pound, that should be ready cremated in about an hour and a quarter.
- This is Clive.
- Hello.
- Tell them who you are.
- The head chef.
- Surgeon! - Yes, surgeon head surgeon.
Tell them what happened the other day.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's not just birds we treat here.
For example, on Monday, we had this lamb brought in.
It was very sad, we had to amputate his leg.
Then he got an infection so we had to take off the other leg.
Then both shoulders.
Chasing the infection, we ended up having to amputate most of him one chop at a time.
That's a medical term by the way, "chop".
- I take it he didn't pull through.
- He certainly didn't.
Tragic.
Just keep them in your pockets, all right? Sure, anything to help.
All right, and action! And it was here, in these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft Cut! - (Sighs) I'm bored.
- I'm bored as well.
Kids, it can't be that bad.
There must be something you want to do.
- I want to play Numberwang.
- Me, too.
But kids, you know we can't do that.
Numberwang is for television only.
Playing it at home would infringe copyright law, depriving people of royalties and jeopardising future productions.
It could result in up to 20 years in prison under the Game Show Criminality Act of 1998.
How about playing "Cucumberwang"? No, Timmy, cos that would be shit.
Hey, kids, mum and dad, I'm the host of Numberwang and I've got a question for you.
Do you wish you could play it at home without the risk of going to jail? Now, with the release of the official "Play Numberwang At Home" game, you can play Numberwang at home on a board.
Look! Our days of misery and boredom are over.
It's Numberwang in a box.
Hurraywang! I might even stop my affair.
(Host) 'It's got everything from the programme you love.
'It's got a board.
It's got numbers.
'It's got two 400-sided dice.
'It's got special accessories so that you can just like the real thing.
'And there are all 37 volumes of the rules, 'so you can say that's Numberwang with confidence.
' - Three, is that Numberwang? - Let's see! No! (Host) 'It even comes with a real rotating board.
' Let's rotate the board.
What's on the other side, kids? It's an apple! (Forced laughter) (Host) 'The official Numberwang board game! 'For everyone, from ages 8 to 88.
' Sorry, Nan.
(Host) 'And at the price of just £238.
91, 'every day can be a Numberwang day.
' That's Numberwang! (Voiceover) 'Tina Redwoods is no ordinary woman, 'because she has a second head that hates her.
' You look so fucking old, do you know that? 'Continuing our "Point And Laugh But In A Caring Way" season, 'we'll see Tina struggle at home and at work.
' Thanks very much.
"Thanks very much.
" Twat! 'We'll be half-heartedly listening to Tina's problems ' ' while secretly hoping for lots of footage 'of her weird second head going mental.
"'The Woman With The Second Head That Won't Stop Calling Her A Bitch.
"' Bitch! 'This Friday on Five, between the news and the gambling.
' - Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Are you my co-tenant of this bit of office? Yeah.
Make yourself comfy.
I'm Colin.
I've been here since before the Private Investigator killed himself.
Hi, I'm Ray.
So there was a PI here? Yeah, he used to have this whole place before he got his receptionist pregnant.
Then the worry got to him.
I got to him.
- How did he do it? - Asbestos.
- Right.
- (Phone rings) Don't touch it, it might be the kidnappers.
- Is that what you do? - Yes, I'm a hostage negotiator.
And you can do all that just from here? Oh, yeah, it beats going down there, shivering on a rooftop with a loudhailer.
I find it difficult to give a shit when I'm cold.
- (Phone rings) - Mind if I listen in? OK, but we have to pick up at the same time.
- OK.
- So after three.
One, two Hang on, is it on three or on the beat after three? - On the beat after three.
- Right, so on four.
Not on four! Who says, "On four"? It's after three.
Just trying to clarify, I don't want to ruin it.
OK, so one, two - (Phone stops ringing) - Oh, shit! Right, 1-4-7-1.
It's ringing.
Oh, hello, er Now this might sound like a strange question.
But is the kidnapper there at all, please? Oh, speaking? What a relief! It's Colin here, the negotiator.
Sorry I didn't get to the phone, I was having a colonic.
(Whispers) It establishes trust.
So, yeah, what have you got to say for yourself? Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, you're playing on my timetable.
Don't panic, I'm just playing hard ball with them.
They'll call back.
Poor man.
- Are we done? - Yeah.
- Shall we do this, then? - Sorry about this, Charles.
No problem.
I'm sure we'll get it this time.
And action! And it was here, under these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, which could see farther than the human eye, the great British secret weapon, radar.
Cut! Forgive the blindfold, Mr Cooch.
An unfortunate necessity, I fear.
I bid you welcome to the new headquarters of my organisation.
- Yeah, very nice.
Call me, Ryan.
- Alas, I abhor informality.
To business! Permit me to outline for you, if I may, the amusements I wish you to realise for me.
This wall, for example.
A sturdy and unyielding wall, wouldn't you say? But what I require, Mr Cooch, is a cunning mechanism whereby pressure applied to a lever, camouflaged as, let's say, this volume of Miss Katie Price's "Being Jordan", will rotate the entire wall to reveal on its dexter side well, that need not concern you.
- Is that clear? - You want it knocked through? No, you misapprehend me.
The wall must remain, yet rotate.
It must be there, yet not there.
- You want a hatch? - No, no, Mr Cooch.
Not a hatch.
I wish for the entire wall to rotate, turn upon its axis, roundy-round.
Why? - I just do.
- Right.
Can't be done.
This is a load-bearing wall.
Nevertheless Well, if it was this wall that you wanted to rotate, is it? Yes, yes, rotate.
Well, it would be a huge job, but I think there's a way you could do it.
Hmm, well Somewhat less impressive, but the roaring fire lends a certain je ne sais quoi.
- The fire would have to go.
- By no means! It is integral to the effect, that the fire burns merrily in the grate, as the wall turns.
Look, mate, if you rotate a wall with a fire in it, the effect you'll get is a room full of smoke.
I can't revolve the chimney.
It's down to Health and Safety.
(Evil laugh) Forgive my levity, Mr Cooch, but when you come to know me better, you will learn that neither health nor safety are my primary concerns! If you want to rotate this wall, here's what you need to do.
Fireplace decommissioned, yellow and black edging around all moving sections, clear, well-lit signage saying, "Warning, this wall may revolve.
" I begin to find you tiresome, Mr Cooch.
Don't get personal, mate.
It's not me with the bonkers interior designer.
Look, if not a revolving wall, then how about a nice simple trap door? Trap door? Er yeah, that sounds possible.
Excellent.
I want them under each of these seats with chutes leading down to a tank full of ravenous piranhas.
Fair enough, I can have that done by Tuesday.
Action.
And it was here, under these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, which could see further than the human eye Cut! A problem, Charles? I thought the arms were good.
(Charles screams) What do you do at home? I don't mean at home, I mean here.
Oh, I write the storylines for pornographic movies.
Really? I expect that's pretty quick work.
I generally bash out about seven a day.
I start with a piece of paper with "They have sex" written on it 15 times, and then I've just got to fill in the gaps.
Sounds quite easy.
The plumber comes round.
They have sex.
Right, good, but then what? Does the plumber go away? Does he do his plumbing? Does it not get done, they have to get another plumber and they have sex? - Yeah.
- Bit samey.
All plumber sex.
Well, you could have the electrician or the man from Sky.
No, Sky don't like it.
They think it cheapens their brand, if you can imagine such a thing.
- I can't.
- No.
Also, there are legal issues.
If the Sky man has sex with her, the Virgin Media man, the BT Broadband man and the Freeview man all have to do her too or it's undue prominence.
Blimey! And I expect one of them has to be disabled.
That's a separate genre, Colin.
I don't like to get involved in that whole ampu-porn world.
I don't blame you, but if you have the plumber and the four TV guys, that's five of your sexes ticked off.
- (Phone rings) - Hello? Yeah, I got the finger.
To be honest, Barry, I don't know why you're expecting me to be so shat up, the kid's not a pianist.
Well, I'm sorry but the message the parents are giving me is that if you mean business, send a whole hand and they'll call the bank.
I'm glad they're not my folks, too, but look at it from their point of view, they do have three other sons.
Yeah, well, have a think.
My worry is that if four of the sexes are with people from digital TV, the dialogue might get repetitive.
There's loads, you know.
"Oh, that's what I call a broadband cable!" What does that mean? - It kinda refers to - Penis breadth.
- Don't call me "penis breath"! - No! No, breadth! Breadth of penises! - Yeah! - It's pretty oblique.
You gotta remember we're watching two people actually knobbing.
So a double entendre that doesn't quite work is just gonna get lost.
What if she sits on the TV, whacking off, and makes a comment about having a set-top box? Gold! (Bell rings) So he should be reduced to no more than a handful of dust now.
Oh, no! Oh, that That isn't supposed to happen.
I'm gonna have to tell the engineer that the oven isn't hot enough to burn things.
This just looks cooked more than anything.
It's terrible! Really terrible.
Well, the thing about writing an American courtroom drama is that, even though we don't know that much about courtrooms or America - Or drama.
- No, we do know about drama.
We felt it being such a rarefied field, we didn't need to mess around with that much so-called research before knocking out 10 episodes.
Yeah, I mean, how many people do you know who've actually been to America or met a lawyer? - Or both? Or either? - Or either.
Doesn't happen.
You're the best offence attorney this side of Palm Springs in Florida.
So why become a prosecutor? Isn't it like poacher turned gamekeeper? Janice, I'm sick of sticking up for rapists so they don't go to prison.
It's time to use my powers for good not evil.
Why did you stick up for rapists in the first place? - I just like rapists.
- Speedo? Relax, that's just my wicked sense of humour.
I'm brilliant partly cos I'm fucked up.
- You can say that again.
- Madame Mayor.
So, you're my new chief lawyer in charge of making criminals go to prison instead of sticking up for them? - That's me.
- Tell me.
Do you still wear speedos in bed? Madame Mayor, I work for you now, but I needn't remind you it was a long time ago we were shagging.
And I needn't remind you that you work for me now.
- Don't remind me.
- I needn't.
Don't.
Mr Speedo? - Janice? - I'm not Janice.
Mr Speedo, it's time for you to meet your new team.
Madame Mayor.
Janice.
- Mr Speedo, we're your new - I know who you are.
Kelly Kelly, tough, brilliant but unpredictable.
Graduated Yale.
Brian Bowford, tough, brilliant, and a chess grand master.
Graduated Harvard, Yale and Princeton.
Mike Madley, tough, brilliant and a complete asshole.
Graduated Stanford, Harvard, Foxtons.
Cum laude, kumbaya.
Now what? You wanna suck my dick or lock up some villains? Cos I've got a complicated relationship with my daughter and an attitude problem cos my speedos are too tight.
So let me tell you, what's it gonna be? My way or the freeway? Why did I hire Speedo? He's tough.
- Did you rape this woman? - No! - Did you rape this woman? - No.
- Did you rape this woman? - No! - Did you rape this woman? - Yes, whatever you say! No further questions.
He loves justice.
What is it, Leslie? I was just thinking about how much I goddamn love justice.
Have you ever thought of getting speedos that fit you better? Maybe when I'm dead.
And he always does the right thing in the end.
- Did you steal his wallet? - No! - Did you steal his wallet? - (Phone rings) Hold on.
Speedo.
- Daddy? - Honey? You missed my 16th birthday.
Oh, dammit.
I'm sorry, honey.
I've been real busy at work.
I guess I just miss Mom.
Listen, I'm gonna make it up to you.
How about I come to your 17th birthday? - Really? - I'll try.
Thanks, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Great kid.
Did you steal his wallet? I see you're wearing that T-shirt I bought you.
Yeah.
You did drop a few hints about it, so I pretty much felt I had to.
You're very welcome.
- You don't think it makes me look fat? - No, no! - I don't think that's possible.
- Thank you.
- That's not what I meant.
- Oh! The only way it's possible for a T-shirt to make someone look fat is if they ate it.
- Did you buy this to make me look fat? - No, of course not! I did it to make you look gay.
You look fat whatever you wear.
- Why do you want me to look gay? - None of your business.
Sorry.
Hang on! All right, if you must know I got into a bit of a row the other night with this bloke who was gay, and I said some things that could be construed as homophobic.
- What sort of things? - Nothing, really.
Just a bit of, "Backs to the wall.
Watch out, he wants to bum you.
" - It was completely ironic.
- Bloody hell! Look, he was being incredibly rude about Tony Blair.
And Tony can't defend himself.
He hasn't got an army anymore.
So I'm just covering my arse, so to speak, by making you look gay, so I can say, "Look, there's no way I'm homophobic.
I spend my whole time with that bender.
" - Right.
- I wouldn't phrase it like that.
- And where does that leave - It's no skin off your nose.
- You haven't got a girlfriend? - How do those statements go together? You might as well be gay.
One of us ought to be gay.
I used to have a go.
- Remember my earring? - Yeah.
Now, it's your turn.
But If everyone thinks I'm gay, I'll never ever get a girlfriend, will I? Look, I don't mean to be rude, but that is kind of the case already.
At least, this way, you've got an excuse.
"I never found happiness cos Rob made me pretend to be gay for his career.
" That's a lot better than, "I never found happiness "because of reasons to do with, I don't know, attractiveness or smell.
" - I don't smell! - Well, must be attractiveness then.
I'm just trying to give me get-out, mate.
Thanks.
Have a biscuit.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the true purpose of the Calippo Organisation.
Now, doubtless this may come as a shock to some of you, so let me assure you.
If any of you have any (Gasps) moral qualms about my little proposition, you're more than welcome to simply walk away.
So? Any niggling little doubts? Erm, yes I I thought that all sounded a bit So, er I might go, if that's all right? But I won't tell anyone, I swear.
No, Hugo.
I know you won't.
Well, no, I won't.
No, I'm quite sure you won't.
Erm what's that? Nothing, nothing.
Don't you worry about that! OK, so am I free to go? Yes, yes, just sit tight for a moment.
We need to talk about your redundancy package.
- Why isn't it? - You need to press the other button.
Yeah (Alarm blares) Sorry, what's going on? Nothing, nothing.
Now we can forward-date your pension to (Tannoy) 'Attention! Attention! Trap door number 3 is about to open.
- 'Please clear the area.
' - Trap door? - Is there a trap door? - It's just an emergency drill.
Sit tight.
'Trap door 3 is about to open.
Please clear the area.
' - I think I might go.
- No, no, stay! We haven't talked about the leaving bash you might 'Trap door 3 now opening.
' Oh, terrific! We were halfway through filming the first series of "Speedo", our American courtroom drama about a tough lawyer with the fatal flaw that sounds like his name.
I don't need you to bust my balls.
I'm wearing a pair of incredibly tight speedos that do that for me.
Then the actor who played Speedo suddenly died.
Wanna know why I never salt the beef in Albuquerque? No, but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me.
It was sad but mainly annoying.
It wasn't that annoying cos we'd finished the script.
- So basically, not our problem.
- Yeah.
We just got someone else to play Speedo.
There were some talk about us rewriting the scripts to suit him more.
But we were on a cruise around the Med and I hadn't my laptop with me, so What are you gonna do? I'm not comfortable with this, Speedo.
Madame Mayor, I'm never comfortable.
I thought you knew by now.
But you're the wrong lawyer.
How can a rich white lawyer like you defend this poor black kid? I may be white but I'm not stupid.
That kid is innocent and he deserves the best lawyer, that's me.
Doesn't matter what damn colour he is.
- I ain't tellin' you nothin'.
- OK.
I get it.
You don't wanna talk to the big white guy in the suit.
You are a big white guy in a suit.
I know I'm the big white guy in the suit but are we so very different? Watch this.
(# THE POLICE: "Every Breath You Take") Check it out.
White dude got some moves.
You can be my lawyer.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, that could see further than the human eye, the great British secret weapon, radar.
(Man) Cut! Erm yeah, that's all good.
It's just the hands.
Do you want me to move them more for emphasis? - Actually, move them less.
- Right-o.
You're the telly expert.
(Clears throat) (Man) And action! And it was here, in these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, that could see further than the human eye - Cut! - Something wrong with the camera? Er no.
But there is something wrong with your hands.
Not enough hand action.
- Too much.
- Really? You're sure? No, of course, you've won a BAFTA.
You wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
(Clears throat) (Man) And action! - And it was here, in these skies - Cut! that the Ha-ha! Take that, you beauty! Oh, no! Oh, stop it! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! (Giggles) Oh, that's great stuff.
Fantastic! Ha-ha-ha! OK, guys, guys.
Listen up, listen up, guys.
Look it's bad news.
I've just been talking to the parish council, and they strongly feel we should drop the dame rape for this year's panto.
- What? - I know how you feel about this But it's traditional.
It's everyone's favourite bit.
I'm sorry but the message I'm getting loud and clear from the parish council is that it's offensive in this day and age.
Oh, what? What next? I suppose they're gonna tell us Cinderella can't suck off the panto horse.
Well, I'm afraid they did voice some concern.
But Mrs Edwards has built a contraption that makes it jizz.
That's right.
Look, I'm just Don't shoot the messenger.
But that's the only bit of gore in the whole thing.
- I know and I'm sorry.
- Oh, this is ridiculous! First the dwarf-gassing scene has to go, then the "Mr Wolf Wank" song gets cut.
Buttons has to be wearing clothes, which means his name is not a joke anymore.
I must say I'm on the point of walking.
Tell me, Alan.
Can we still force-feed Mother Goose and throw her pâté at the audience? - Yeah, they're fine with that.
- OK.
It's terrible what some people do to animals.
We're here to help repair the damage, do what we can to make them better.
- Here we go.
What is it? - Pheasant.
Gunshot through the chest.
Not again! Let's get him through.
First we remove the feathers to make it easier to get to the wound.
Then we use salves and unguents to start the healing process.
Terry? Yes, I'm using a salve made of olive oil.
A bit or rosemary.
Some salt and pepper.
It sounds odd but it's the best chance these pheasants have got.
- Are you gonna bandage the wound? - Done it already.
I used bacon! Again, it sounds odd, but medically it does the trick.
Well, hang in there, little chap.
Other methods we use involve suppositories.
We try to use the most natural ingred er, medicines that we can.
So, a typical suppository may contain sage, perhaps chestnuts, maybe some mushrooms.
It can work wonders.
Damn, we've lost him.
No pulse, no respiration.
Oh, that humanity! Don't worry, you did your best.
I can't stand losing them.
I'll see him the rest of the way.
This is the crematorium.
These ovens are much like the ones you'd find in a kitchen but much hotter.
We try to give them some dignity in death.
We put some special tokens of their life in with them.
So, for example, with this pheasant, we've got some carrots and potatoes and a few shallots.
So, 15 minutes a pound, that should be ready cremated in about an hour and a quarter.
- This is Clive.
- Hello.
- Tell them who you are.
- The head chef.
- Surgeon! - Yes, surgeon head surgeon.
Tell them what happened the other day.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it's not just birds we treat here.
For example, on Monday, we had this lamb brought in.
It was very sad, we had to amputate his leg.
Then he got an infection so we had to take off the other leg.
Then both shoulders.
Chasing the infection, we ended up having to amputate most of him one chop at a time.
That's a medical term by the way, "chop".
- I take it he didn't pull through.
- He certainly didn't.
Tragic.
Just keep them in your pockets, all right? Sure, anything to help.
All right, and action! And it was here, in these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft Cut! - (Sighs) I'm bored.
- I'm bored as well.
Kids, it can't be that bad.
There must be something you want to do.
- I want to play Numberwang.
- Me, too.
But kids, you know we can't do that.
Numberwang is for television only.
Playing it at home would infringe copyright law, depriving people of royalties and jeopardising future productions.
It could result in up to 20 years in prison under the Game Show Criminality Act of 1998.
How about playing "Cucumberwang"? No, Timmy, cos that would be shit.
Hey, kids, mum and dad, I'm the host of Numberwang and I've got a question for you.
Do you wish you could play it at home without the risk of going to jail? Now, with the release of the official "Play Numberwang At Home" game, you can play Numberwang at home on a board.
Look! Our days of misery and boredom are over.
It's Numberwang in a box.
Hurraywang! I might even stop my affair.
(Host) 'It's got everything from the programme you love.
'It's got a board.
It's got numbers.
'It's got two 400-sided dice.
'It's got special accessories so that you can just like the real thing.
'And there are all 37 volumes of the rules, 'so you can say that's Numberwang with confidence.
' - Three, is that Numberwang? - Let's see! No! (Host) 'It even comes with a real rotating board.
' Let's rotate the board.
What's on the other side, kids? It's an apple! (Forced laughter) (Host) 'The official Numberwang board game! 'For everyone, from ages 8 to 88.
' Sorry, Nan.
(Host) 'And at the price of just £238.
91, 'every day can be a Numberwang day.
' That's Numberwang! (Voiceover) 'Tina Redwoods is no ordinary woman, 'because she has a second head that hates her.
' You look so fucking old, do you know that? 'Continuing our "Point And Laugh But In A Caring Way" season, 'we'll see Tina struggle at home and at work.
' Thanks very much.
"Thanks very much.
" Twat! 'We'll be half-heartedly listening to Tina's problems ' ' while secretly hoping for lots of footage 'of her weird second head going mental.
"'The Woman With The Second Head That Won't Stop Calling Her A Bitch.
"' Bitch! 'This Friday on Five, between the news and the gambling.
' - Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Are you my co-tenant of this bit of office? Yeah.
Make yourself comfy.
I'm Colin.
I've been here since before the Private Investigator killed himself.
Hi, I'm Ray.
So there was a PI here? Yeah, he used to have this whole place before he got his receptionist pregnant.
Then the worry got to him.
I got to him.
- How did he do it? - Asbestos.
- Right.
- (Phone rings) Don't touch it, it might be the kidnappers.
- Is that what you do? - Yes, I'm a hostage negotiator.
And you can do all that just from here? Oh, yeah, it beats going down there, shivering on a rooftop with a loudhailer.
I find it difficult to give a shit when I'm cold.
- (Phone rings) - Mind if I listen in? OK, but we have to pick up at the same time.
- OK.
- So after three.
One, two Hang on, is it on three or on the beat after three? - On the beat after three.
- Right, so on four.
Not on four! Who says, "On four"? It's after three.
Just trying to clarify, I don't want to ruin it.
OK, so one, two - (Phone stops ringing) - Oh, shit! Right, 1-4-7-1.
It's ringing.
Oh, hello, er Now this might sound like a strange question.
But is the kidnapper there at all, please? Oh, speaking? What a relief! It's Colin here, the negotiator.
Sorry I didn't get to the phone, I was having a colonic.
(Whispers) It establishes trust.
So, yeah, what have you got to say for yourself? Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, you're playing on my timetable.
Don't panic, I'm just playing hard ball with them.
They'll call back.
Poor man.
- Are we done? - Yeah.
- Shall we do this, then? - Sorry about this, Charles.
No problem.
I'm sure we'll get it this time.
And action! And it was here, under these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, which could see farther than the human eye, the great British secret weapon, radar.
Cut! Forgive the blindfold, Mr Cooch.
An unfortunate necessity, I fear.
I bid you welcome to the new headquarters of my organisation.
- Yeah, very nice.
Call me, Ryan.
- Alas, I abhor informality.
To business! Permit me to outline for you, if I may, the amusements I wish you to realise for me.
This wall, for example.
A sturdy and unyielding wall, wouldn't you say? But what I require, Mr Cooch, is a cunning mechanism whereby pressure applied to a lever, camouflaged as, let's say, this volume of Miss Katie Price's "Being Jordan", will rotate the entire wall to reveal on its dexter side well, that need not concern you.
- Is that clear? - You want it knocked through? No, you misapprehend me.
The wall must remain, yet rotate.
It must be there, yet not there.
- You want a hatch? - No, no, Mr Cooch.
Not a hatch.
I wish for the entire wall to rotate, turn upon its axis, roundy-round.
Why? - I just do.
- Right.
Can't be done.
This is a load-bearing wall.
Nevertheless Well, if it was this wall that you wanted to rotate, is it? Yes, yes, rotate.
Well, it would be a huge job, but I think there's a way you could do it.
Hmm, well Somewhat less impressive, but the roaring fire lends a certain je ne sais quoi.
- The fire would have to go.
- By no means! It is integral to the effect, that the fire burns merrily in the grate, as the wall turns.
Look, mate, if you rotate a wall with a fire in it, the effect you'll get is a room full of smoke.
I can't revolve the chimney.
It's down to Health and Safety.
(Evil laugh) Forgive my levity, Mr Cooch, but when you come to know me better, you will learn that neither health nor safety are my primary concerns! If you want to rotate this wall, here's what you need to do.
Fireplace decommissioned, yellow and black edging around all moving sections, clear, well-lit signage saying, "Warning, this wall may revolve.
" I begin to find you tiresome, Mr Cooch.
Don't get personal, mate.
It's not me with the bonkers interior designer.
Look, if not a revolving wall, then how about a nice simple trap door? Trap door? Er yeah, that sounds possible.
Excellent.
I want them under each of these seats with chutes leading down to a tank full of ravenous piranhas.
Fair enough, I can have that done by Tuesday.
Action.
And it was here, under these skies, that the Luftwaffe was defeated.
Not just by brave airmen in fine aircraft, but by invisible beams of electromagnetic energy, which could see further than the human eye Cut! A problem, Charles? I thought the arms were good.
(Charles screams) What do you do at home? I don't mean at home, I mean here.
Oh, I write the storylines for pornographic movies.
Really? I expect that's pretty quick work.
I generally bash out about seven a day.
I start with a piece of paper with "They have sex" written on it 15 times, and then I've just got to fill in the gaps.
Sounds quite easy.
The plumber comes round.
They have sex.
Right, good, but then what? Does the plumber go away? Does he do his plumbing? Does it not get done, they have to get another plumber and they have sex? - Yeah.
- Bit samey.
All plumber sex.
Well, you could have the electrician or the man from Sky.
No, Sky don't like it.
They think it cheapens their brand, if you can imagine such a thing.
- I can't.
- No.
Also, there are legal issues.
If the Sky man has sex with her, the Virgin Media man, the BT Broadband man and the Freeview man all have to do her too or it's undue prominence.
Blimey! And I expect one of them has to be disabled.
That's a separate genre, Colin.
I don't like to get involved in that whole ampu-porn world.
I don't blame you, but if you have the plumber and the four TV guys, that's five of your sexes ticked off.
- (Phone rings) - Hello? Yeah, I got the finger.
To be honest, Barry, I don't know why you're expecting me to be so shat up, the kid's not a pianist.
Well, I'm sorry but the message the parents are giving me is that if you mean business, send a whole hand and they'll call the bank.
I'm glad they're not my folks, too, but look at it from their point of view, they do have three other sons.
Yeah, well, have a think.
My worry is that if four of the sexes are with people from digital TV, the dialogue might get repetitive.
There's loads, you know.
"Oh, that's what I call a broadband cable!" What does that mean? - It kinda refers to - Penis breadth.
- Don't call me "penis breath"! - No! No, breadth! Breadth of penises! - Yeah! - It's pretty oblique.
You gotta remember we're watching two people actually knobbing.
So a double entendre that doesn't quite work is just gonna get lost.
What if she sits on the TV, whacking off, and makes a comment about having a set-top box? Gold! (Bell rings) So he should be reduced to no more than a handful of dust now.
Oh, no! Oh, that That isn't supposed to happen.
I'm gonna have to tell the engineer that the oven isn't hot enough to burn things.
This just looks cooked more than anything.
It's terrible! Really terrible.
Well, the thing about writing an American courtroom drama is that, even though we don't know that much about courtrooms or America - Or drama.
- No, we do know about drama.
We felt it being such a rarefied field, we didn't need to mess around with that much so-called research before knocking out 10 episodes.
Yeah, I mean, how many people do you know who've actually been to America or met a lawyer? - Or both? Or either? - Or either.
Doesn't happen.
You're the best offence attorney this side of Palm Springs in Florida.
So why become a prosecutor? Isn't it like poacher turned gamekeeper? Janice, I'm sick of sticking up for rapists so they don't go to prison.
It's time to use my powers for good not evil.
Why did you stick up for rapists in the first place? - I just like rapists.
- Speedo? Relax, that's just my wicked sense of humour.
I'm brilliant partly cos I'm fucked up.
- You can say that again.
- Madame Mayor.
So, you're my new chief lawyer in charge of making criminals go to prison instead of sticking up for them? - That's me.
- Tell me.
Do you still wear speedos in bed? Madame Mayor, I work for you now, but I needn't remind you it was a long time ago we were shagging.
And I needn't remind you that you work for me now.
- Don't remind me.
- I needn't.
Don't.
Mr Speedo? - Janice? - I'm not Janice.
Mr Speedo, it's time for you to meet your new team.
Madame Mayor.
Janice.
- Mr Speedo, we're your new - I know who you are.
Kelly Kelly, tough, brilliant but unpredictable.
Graduated Yale.
Brian Bowford, tough, brilliant, and a chess grand master.
Graduated Harvard, Yale and Princeton.
Mike Madley, tough, brilliant and a complete asshole.
Graduated Stanford, Harvard, Foxtons.
Cum laude, kumbaya.
Now what? You wanna suck my dick or lock up some villains? Cos I've got a complicated relationship with my daughter and an attitude problem cos my speedos are too tight.
So let me tell you, what's it gonna be? My way or the freeway? Why did I hire Speedo? He's tough.
- Did you rape this woman? - No! - Did you rape this woman? - No.
- Did you rape this woman? - No! - Did you rape this woman? - Yes, whatever you say! No further questions.
He loves justice.
What is it, Leslie? I was just thinking about how much I goddamn love justice.
Have you ever thought of getting speedos that fit you better? Maybe when I'm dead.
And he always does the right thing in the end.
- Did you steal his wallet? - No! - Did you steal his wallet? - (Phone rings) Hold on.
Speedo.
- Daddy? - Honey? You missed my 16th birthday.
Oh, dammit.
I'm sorry, honey.
I've been real busy at work.
I guess I just miss Mom.
Listen, I'm gonna make it up to you.
How about I come to your 17th birthday? - Really? - I'll try.
Thanks, Daddy.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Great kid.
Did you steal his wallet? I see you're wearing that T-shirt I bought you.
Yeah.
You did drop a few hints about it, so I pretty much felt I had to.
You're very welcome.
- You don't think it makes me look fat? - No, no! - I don't think that's possible.
- Thank you.
- That's not what I meant.
- Oh! The only way it's possible for a T-shirt to make someone look fat is if they ate it.
- Did you buy this to make me look fat? - No, of course not! I did it to make you look gay.
You look fat whatever you wear.
- Why do you want me to look gay? - None of your business.
Sorry.
Hang on! All right, if you must know I got into a bit of a row the other night with this bloke who was gay, and I said some things that could be construed as homophobic.
- What sort of things? - Nothing, really.
Just a bit of, "Backs to the wall.
Watch out, he wants to bum you.
" - It was completely ironic.
- Bloody hell! Look, he was being incredibly rude about Tony Blair.
And Tony can't defend himself.
He hasn't got an army anymore.
So I'm just covering my arse, so to speak, by making you look gay, so I can say, "Look, there's no way I'm homophobic.
I spend my whole time with that bender.
" - Right.
- I wouldn't phrase it like that.
- And where does that leave - It's no skin off your nose.
- You haven't got a girlfriend? - How do those statements go together? You might as well be gay.
One of us ought to be gay.
I used to have a go.
- Remember my earring? - Yeah.
Now, it's your turn.
But If everyone thinks I'm gay, I'll never ever get a girlfriend, will I? Look, I don't mean to be rude, but that is kind of the case already.
At least, this way, you've got an excuse.
"I never found happiness cos Rob made me pretend to be gay for his career.
" That's a lot better than, "I never found happiness "because of reasons to do with, I don't know, attractiveness or smell.
" - I don't smell! - Well, must be attractiveness then.
I'm just trying to give me get-out, mate.
Thanks.
Have a biscuit.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the true purpose of the Calippo Organisation.
Now, doubtless this may come as a shock to some of you, so let me assure you.
If any of you have any (Gasps) moral qualms about my little proposition, you're more than welcome to simply walk away.
So? Any niggling little doubts? Erm, yes I I thought that all sounded a bit So, er I might go, if that's all right? But I won't tell anyone, I swear.
No, Hugo.
I know you won't.
Well, no, I won't.
No, I'm quite sure you won't.
Erm what's that? Nothing, nothing.
Don't you worry about that! OK, so am I free to go? Yes, yes, just sit tight for a moment.
We need to talk about your redundancy package.
- Why isn't it? - You need to press the other button.
Yeah (Alarm blares) Sorry, what's going on? Nothing, nothing.
Now we can forward-date your pension to (Tannoy) 'Attention! Attention! Trap door number 3 is about to open.
- 'Please clear the area.
' - Trap door? - Is there a trap door? - It's just an emergency drill.
Sit tight.
'Trap door 3 is about to open.
Please clear the area.
' - I think I might go.
- No, no, stay! We haven't talked about the leaving bash you might 'Trap door 3 now opening.
' Oh, terrific! We were halfway through filming the first series of "Speedo", our American courtroom drama about a tough lawyer with the fatal flaw that sounds like his name.
I don't need you to bust my balls.
I'm wearing a pair of incredibly tight speedos that do that for me.
Then the actor who played Speedo suddenly died.
Wanna know why I never salt the beef in Albuquerque? No, but I have a feeling you're gonna tell me.
It was sad but mainly annoying.
It wasn't that annoying cos we'd finished the script.
- So basically, not our problem.
- Yeah.
We just got someone else to play Speedo.
There were some talk about us rewriting the scripts to suit him more.
But we were on a cruise around the Med and I hadn't my laptop with me, so What are you gonna do? I'm not comfortable with this, Speedo.
Madame Mayor, I'm never comfortable.
I thought you knew by now.
But you're the wrong lawyer.
How can a rich white lawyer like you defend this poor black kid? I may be white but I'm not stupid.
That kid is innocent and he deserves the best lawyer, that's me.
Doesn't matter what damn colour he is.
- I ain't tellin' you nothin'.
- OK.
I get it.
You don't wanna talk to the big white guy in the suit.
You are a big white guy in a suit.
I know I'm the big white guy in the suit but are we so very different? Watch this.
(# THE POLICE: "Every Breath You Take") Check it out.
White dude got some moves.
You can be my lawyer.