The Addams Family (1964) s02e02 Episode Script

Thank you, Thing.
Congratulations.
Darling, you remembered.
How could I forget our 13th anniversary? It started on the stroke of midnight.
Oh, I'm so excited, I can't get it open.
Oh, thank you, Thing.
Oh, darling, what a sensible gift.
A bat net.
Querida, it's a nightgown.
Lace.
For our 13th.
Oh, darling, it's beautiful.
And my favorite color, too.
Black.
You're ravishing.
Congratulations! Congratulations! Happy anniversary! Thank you, darlings.
Well, now, this is a surprise.
You didn't think we'd forget your anniversary.
Not the 13th.
That's the lucky one.
Have you and Father really been married 13 years? Oh, yes.
And there were those who thought it would never happen.
I still can't believe it.
Mama and Morticia, let's not go into that tonight.
Oh, that's my favorite story next to Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde.
Please tell us.
Well, all right.
Let's everybody get comfortable.
Now, originally, your father wasn't supposed to marry me.
He was supposed to marry my sister, Ophelia.
Aunt Ophelia? - She was the catch of the season.
- Aunt Ophelia? - Whoever said that? - Her mother.
Granny Frump, my old school chum from Swamp Town High.
I'll never forget that day.
The sun was shining and the birds were singing.
I knew we were in for trouble.
Gomez, are you gonna spend your whole life sitting there when romance is on the way? How can I think of romance when my bronchial tubes are collapsing? You're the one that's collapsing.
Been sitting at that contraption for 22 years.
It's time you tried a girl.
I don't like girls.
Well, you can't marry a vaporizer.
I'll get it, Lurch.
Who could that be? It can be the big surprise I've arranged for you.
Mrs.
Frump and her daughter Ophelia.
Pull yourself together, Gomez.
You may be meeting the girl you're going to marry.
Lurch, they're ganging up on me.
What'll I do? - Run.
- Run? But where? The Foreign Legion? It's too far.
How about the American Legion? Esther Frump! Oh, it's good to see you again, Frumpy.
You haven't changed a bit since Swamp Town High.
And neither have you.
And this is my beautiful daughter, Ophelia.
That is my handsome son, Gomez.
Give him your hand, Ophelia.
Go, go! - Why so pale and wan, fair Gomez? - My head's stuffed.
Oh, poor, poor laddie.
I know just the thing for that.
- You do? - Yes.
- Well, how is it now? - It's gone to my back.
Oh, how nice.
- Boys are always falling for Ophelia.
- She's a handy one.
It was not for nothing she had all those judo and karate lessons.
Every girl should know judo and karate.
I lost one.
- One what? - Daughter.
My young one, Morticia.
Oh, there she is.
Come on, Kitty cat.
Oh, you're so stubborn.
- I'm Gomez Addams.
- I'm Morticia Frump.
That's my pet pet.
- Kitty cat likes to eat.
- I like cats.
What's in there? - My plant.
- Plant? In there? Oh, she bites.
Her name is Cleopatra.
And this is my doll.
Her name's Marie Antoinette.
I chopped off her head.
That's my Morticia.
I'm keeping her under wraps until my Ophelia's married.
Had to bring her along 'cause I couldn't get anybody to sit with her cat.
Well, it's not easy to find lion-sitters these days.
After eating, Kitty likes to exercise.
We've a nice garden.
She can run around it.
I'll show you.
Gomez? She can find it herself.
Gomez, why don't you and Ophelia take a walk in the garden? - Oh, it's too chilly out there.
- Ophelia will warm you up.
I'd better get my coat on.
A coat? In July? Well, it is more becoming.
I just wanna keep my bronchial tubes warm.
Yeah, you wouldn't want a son-in-law with cold bronchial tubes, would you? Now, you and Ophelia run along and have fun.
Fair Gomez, take my hand.
Coming.
- That boy of yours is all boy.
- So is that girl of yours.
Well, let's plan the wedding.
What else do you like to do? On rainy nights, I like to snuggle into bed with a mustard plaster.
"We are such stuff as dreams are made on.
" - Do you like to dream, Gomez? - I have better nightmares when I'm awake.
My dreams are of D'Artagnan, of Don Quixote who will tilt his lance against the foe.
Like this! Come on, now, Cleopatra, have some nice zebra burger.
All right, I'll up the dowry to 3,000, make it a six-layer cake, and supply the food, music and preacher.
And I'll supply the guests.
Fair? It seems fair.
I hope Ophelia finds Gomez to her taste.
She's very particular.
- Back so soon, Gomez? - It's getting chilly out there.
I have to get my cape.
Would you like to join us in the garden? Could we dig some graves, for my dolls? I like to, but I'm afraid it would be too strenuous for me.
Well, then I'd rather stay here.
This one's name's Anne Boleyn.
My favorite person in history is Ivan the Terrible.
Oh, he was sweet.
Fair Gomez, is there anything you'd like to do? Yes, go into a coma.
Oh, he does have a delicious sense of humor.
- And he shall be rewarded.
- You're going to leave? Nonsense.
I'm going to amuse thee, sire.
- I told you, she's all talent.
- And beauty.
Isn't it wonderful, son? I I I've never heard anything like it.
And would you believe it? She's a great cook, too.
Here, hold my strings.
I'll whip you up a lunch you'll never forget.
I'm sure of it.
Ophelia cooks all day just so she can do dishes.
She loves to do dishes.
- She does? - She loves water.
She's forever jumping into fountains and little brooks.
Even tubs and sinks.
Her cooking's good, though.
- Gomez, you didn't eat a thing.
- I never eat lunch.
It spoils my dinner.
You didn't eat much, either.
Oh, Ophelia's a marvelous cook but I don't like those kind of lunches.
What kind do you like? Oh, crunchy things, like fried eye of newt, or barbequed turtle tips.
- Or cold yak? - Oh, yes, yes.
Morticia, stop talking about those crazy dishes of yours.
Yes, Mama.
They don't sound crazy to me.
They sound yummy.
Oh, Gomez.
You better go now.
Good idea.
She's not outside, silly, she's in the kitchen.
- I know.
- Go on, you bashful boy.
Your bashful girl is waiting.
Come in, come in, the water's fine.
Come along, come along.
You can dry.
It's like playing house.
Thanks.
Come, come.
Dry, dry.
- I think I chipped that one.
- Slightly.
Must be the hard water.
Oh, no.
It's just a funny-shaped dish.
Did I do that? No, our Aunt Trivia sent us a whole dozen of these cup handles.
It's beautiful.
This one's unbreakable.
Well, it used to be.
Gomez.
Let's play hide-and-seek.
- But my bronchitis.
- Nonsense! Here, you hide here.
No, no, I'd find you there.
That's the first place I'd look.
I know.
I'll hide and you seek.
Tell me, do you think I'm sweet, kind and unselfish? You say the sweetest things.
Thank you, Thing.
Has anyone ever told you you have the softest brown eyes? No.
Besides, my eyes are blue.
No wonder no one has ever told you.
- You found me! - It wasn't easy.
Now, you've earned your reward.
Drink to me only with thine lips.
- How was that? - That was green.
- Now, you hide and I'll seek you.
- Good idea.
No, no, no! Not that way.
That way is the primrose path of dalliance.
That way.
- What color did you say your eyes were? - Blue.
Keep them that way.
By the way, how old are you, pigtails? - 22.
- Really? I thought you were much older.
Oh, there you are, Gomez.
Congratulate me! Congratulate me! Gomez and I are going to be married.
- Hallelujah! - Love at first sight! And I only twisted his arm once.
Morticia? - You will be my bridesmaid.
- Thank you, Ophelia.
- Your bridal bouquet.
- Thorns? Oh, no.
I want daisies, buttercups and fresh weeds.
I'll go down to the bogs and pick you some.
- Congratulations, Gomez.
- I tried to run away.
- You'll have beautiful children.
- I won't have them.
She'll have them.
- You'll both have them.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
I don't want to marry Ophelia.
Oh, my, that is a problem.
Oh, what lovely trains.
I just adore trains.
You do? Well, let's give them a whirl.
These trains always take my mind off troubles.
What's that? That's my friend, Thing.
- What a charming helper.
- He's been my companion since childhood.
You You don't think he's peculiar, do you? Of course not.
We must accept our friends for what they are.
Here, you run the trains.
Isn't it exciting? One train going east, the other one going west.
I have an idea.
What if they crash, head-on? Better still, I'll blow them up! Now, you take that switch.
When they meet at the bridge, wham! - You spoke French.
- Yes.
Say it again.
- Something strange is coming over me.
- What? For the first time in my life, my sinuses are clear! How's your bronchitis? It's gone! My bronchitis is gone.
I don't know what I'm doing, but I can't help it.
I could help it but I don't want to.
Speak some more French.
Anything.
Oh, Gomez, please.
We must think of your betrothed.
My darling sister.
Oh, yes.
What'll we do? - I have it.
- What? I'll call my Uncle Fester.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Sweet old Uncle Fester.
He used to write an advice-to-the-Iovelorn column.
He'd still be doing it, too, if everybody hadn't started suing him.
Darn it.
A person just can't relax around here.
- Hello? - Hello? You'll have to talk louder.
Hello, Uncle Fester? It's me, Morticia.
Morticia who? Morticia Frump.
Morticia Frump? I'm your niece.
That Morticia Frump.
Uncle Fester, I'm madly in love with Gomez Addams but he's engaged to marry my sister, Ophelia.
What should I do? Forget him.
Anybody that'd marry your sister, Ophelia, must be a nut! - What did he say? - He wasn't home.
I'll speak to my Cousin Itt.
He's had lots of personal experience in affairs of the heart.
- A real ladies' man.
- Oh, he sounds perfect.
- Where is he? - In his favorite nook, up the chimney.
Up the chimney? Well, sometimes he prefers the broom closet.
As a matter of fact, he sort of looks like a broom.
Well, not really a broom.
A mop! - Sounds fascinating.
- Yes.
Don't go away.
Say something else in French.
Cousin Itt! I know you hate to be disturbed.
But I've got to talk to you.
Cousin Itt, my whole future is at stake and all you can think of is your own selfish pleasure.
Is that your final answer? Well, at least you're keeping an open mind.
Cousin Itt, you've got to help me! If you come down, I'll let you play with my octopus.
You can use my vaporizer! I'll let you blow up one of my trains.
Cousin Itt, I knew I could count on you.
I always said blood is thicker than water, and everyone says you're thicker than both.
Itt, I'm in love.
No, she hasn't got a friend for you.
Please, you've got to listen to my problem.
Thank you.
You're such a suave, sophisticated man of the world and I thought you could give me some advice.
You see, I'm engaged to one girl and I love another.
What should I do? Isn't that against the law? Oh, come on, Itt.
An old roué like you ought to be able to figure something out.
Think.
Boy, you really are thinking.
Really? Well, you sure make it sound like a sensible way out.
I'll tell Morticia.
She's the one I'm in love with.
Thanks a lot, Itt.
Underneath all that hair, you really are What are you underneath all that hair? Roots? Makes sense.
You better get up the chimney before Mama grabs your place.
Enjoy yourself! And thanks a lot, Itt.
Hello, birdie.
My, you sing pretty, too.
Morticia.
Cousin Itt has the perfect solution to all my problems.
- What did he say? - He said I should shoot myself.
It does sound rather simple.
I'll join you.
Be my guest.
Well, au revoir.
That's French.
Not here, darling.
In the hereafter.
In the hereafter.
- And did you die? - No.
We had the guns at the ready and just as I was about to say "three," Thing reached out and snatched them away.
Thing never could stand noise.
But what happened with Aunt Ophelia? We'll tell you the rest some other evening.
That's right, children.
It's time for bed.
- Come on.
- Go on.
I almost forgot my shortcut.
Dear Uncle Fester.
Every time he hears the story of our romance, it gives him such a lift.