The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e02 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a bubblin' crude Oil, that is.
Black gold.
Texas tea.
Well the first thing you know ol' Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is.
Swimmin' pools, movie stars.
Now, Granny, I realize that back home you are considered a doctor, but this is Beverly Hills, and you are not allowed to practice medicine here in Beverly Hills.
Especially the way you practice it.
Cutting off a person's hair and burying it in the ground overnight to cast a spell on his sickness! Now, Granny, this is it.
No more doctoring! How is that? Very good, Chief Very good indeed.
That should stop Granny.
Fine, now get up there and tell her.
Me? Well, you don't think I'm crazy enough to talk to her like that, do you? Do-si-do! Come on, Granny! Yee-haw! A square dance? At this hour of the morning? Yee-haw! Well, howdy there, Miss Hathaway.
Come in, come in! Hi, Miss Hathaway! Look who's come out here to help us celebrate the holiday! Holiday? What-what holiday? What holiday! She can't mean that.
She'd better not mean it.
Granny, don't get riled up.
Miss Jane is just greenin' us.
She knows what day this is.
Why, everybody knows what day this is! I guess it just slipped my mind.
You're gonna feel like a dern fool when I tell you.
It's Possum Day.
Remember now? 'Course she does! Anybody who disremembers ought to be stood up against a wall and shot! Granny, it just slipped her mind for a minute.
It'd come back to her when she got downtown and seen the parade.
Sure, it would.
Boy, I can't wait to see that parade! What time do they hold the Possum Day Parade out here? Oh, well, uh Hey, I got a swell idea We can watch it from Mr.
Drysdale's office at the bank! Yeah, it looks right down on the main street! You'd get a good look at the possum juggler! Possum juggler? Yeah, that's the fella Ooh, we got a good one back home.
He can juggle three live possums in the air at the same time, whilst the fourth sits on his head and waves a little flag.
How 'bout it, Miss Jane? Can we watch the Possum Day Parade from Mr.
Drysdale's window? Oh, well, I'm afraid not.
'Course not.
What's the matter with me? They wouldn't have them banks open on Possum Day.
Well, we could just leave early and get good places, couldn't we, Miss Jane? And until then, we's gonna have us a hoedown! Come on, Miss Jane! Yee-haw! I'm afraid I I'm afraid I haven't time now.
You see, I really came to deliver a message for Granny.
Who from? Mr.
Drysdale.
I reckon he wants to thank you for curin' him of his sickness.
Well, it did take a heap out of me, Jed, throwin' them spells.
What's the message? Well, Mr.
Drysdale says to tell you Yes? Well? He says, uh Happy Possum Day! Yee-haw! Bye! Roy, will you relax? What are you complaining about? She whacked off my hair, too, didn't she? But I am a doctor! You have any idea what I've been going through this morning? A lawn mower? Why, you Ah, ah, ah! Now remember your Hippocratic oath.
I have a few oaths for you that Hippocrates never even heard of.
If word gets out that my hair was snipped off, buried by a little hillbilly witch doctor to cast a spell on my sickness, do you think I'd have one patient left? Yes, I see what you mean.
They'd all be going to her.
Drysdale, I am going to the State Medical Board, and when they get through with that little woman, she won't be able to prescribe an aspirin for her own headache! Oh, Roy, will you relax? I've already taken care of that.
You have? My exact words to her this morning This very morning I said, "Granny, this is it.
No more doctoring!" And what did she say? Well, I won't know till my secretary gets back.
You sent your secretary to tell her that? Well, she's much more persuasive than I am.
She knows how to handle them.
So do I.
Roy, Roy, Roy! Dr.
Clyburn to you.
Doctor, I I appeal to you as a poor, helpless patient.
You don't even appeal to me as a rich, helpless patient.
If you make trouble for the Clampetts, I'll be facing major surgery.
What major surgery? The removal of $35 million from my bank! Without an anesthetic! Ah, here she is, here she is! Tell him tell the doctor you gave Granny my message, no more doctoring, and she agreed.
Well, you heard her! Now get back to your office and forget the whole thing.
I want to hear exactly what you said to Granny and what Granny said to you.
Well, uh, upon my arrival at the Clampett mansion, imagine my surprise to find them arrayed in their Sunday finery and having a square dance.
"Look who's here to help us celebrate the holiday!" exclaimed Mr.
Clampett happily.
"What holiday?" I inquired innocently.
"Possum Day," he replied earnestly.
Well, you Never mind the Tom Swift dialogue.
Did you tell Granny to stop practicing medicine? Well, not in those words, no.
No, she said it in much stronger language.
Let her tell me.
And without the adverbs, please.
I am a busy man.
I still have a medical practice, as long as I keep my hat on.
Now, what happened?! Chief, are you going to allow him to treat me this way? No, I'll do it! Now, what happened?! Well, th-they kept asking if they could watch the Possum Day Parade from your window here.
That does it.
Doc, listen! You listen! That little woman is a menace to the health of this community.
She is gonna celebrate Possum Day in the klink.
Possum Day? Dr.
Clyburn Doc Roy, boy You are constricting my brachial artery with your hemostatic grasp.
What? Get your cotton-picking meat hooks off my arm.
Oh.
Look, I'll go see the Clampetts.
I'll talk to Granny.
I'll give her the message myself.
I'll give her an ultimatum! I'll give you one hour.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You are You are constricting my dorsal metacarpals.
Oh, sorry.
What all you got in here, Granny? Oh, just a few vittles to nibble at the parade.
Any baked possum? Of course not.
Don't you listen to him, Wendell.
Jethro, you know it's again' the law to eat possum on Possum Day.
Oh, I was only spoofin', Uncle Jed.
You know, maybe we don't need this little ladder at all.
We find a good place to park the truck, and we can watch the whole parade right from the truck.
I got a dandy place to park! Where 'bouts, Jethro? Right smack dab in front of Mr.
Drysdale's bank.
Sure that's all right? Well, sure, Uncle Jed.
A policeman, he give me ticket and said it was for parkin' there! Well, doggies! That was mighty friendly of him.
I hope you thanked him proper.
I sure did, Granny.
Why, he said he was just giving me a five-dollar ticket this time, but next time he's gonna give me a ten dollar ticket! Always remember that, Jethro.
Folks appreciate politeness, especially in a young'un.
What else can happen to me today? Now, Chief, don't get so upset.
Faster, faster! Well, I reckon that's everything.
Come on, let's get going.
Pa, I'm so excited.
This is the first time we ever watched a Possum Day Parade in Beverly Hills.
Yeah, I reckon they do it up proper out here.
Oh, hey, Uncle Jed, shouldn't we bring along ol' Duke? I don't reckon that'd be such a good idea.
What do you think, Granny? I don't think so.
The way he's been eyei" ol' Wendell here It's Miss Jane and Mr.
Drysdale.
I reckon they's gonna join us for the parade.
Wait! Wait! Oh, thank goodness we caught you.
Get in.
Where are you going? We're gonna watch the Possum Day Parade from your bank.
Well, I'm afraid there's not Granny, Granny, Mr.
Drysdale has something very important to discuss with you.
Well, can he wait till after the parade? Yeah, we don't want to miss the possum juggler.
That's the best part of the parade.
But there isn't going to be a Chief! I believe the medical crisis can't wait, not even for one hour.
Oh, yes.
Granny, may I speak to you alone? Oh, yes, you you go on inside, I'll be right in.
Here we are.
It's doctorin' he wants to talk to me about, ain't it? That's right, Granny.
No wonder he didn't want to talk out here.
Well, we ain't gonna be late for the parade, are we? No, Elly.
But the morning's going fast.
In all the history of Beverly Hills, there has never been a Possum Day Parade in the morning.
What's the trouble? Granny, I don't know exactly how to say this.
I I hope you won't be upset.
Now, now, when you've been a doctor as long as I have, there's nothing you haven't heard.
Say, that does look a little raggedy, doesn't it? You'd better come on out and let me whip you up a poultice for your head.
No, no, please, no more medicine, especially not today.
Mr.
Drysdale, a doctor's duty never stops, even on Possum Day.
Granny, that's what I'm here to talk to you about.
You see, cutting off a person's hair and burying it in the ground to cast a spell is not the approved method of practicing medicine here in Beverly Hills.
I don't like it myself, but not having the proper medicine, I had to make do with old-timey ways.
But I got enough for a poultice for you.
No, Granny, I'm sorry.
You'd like to have your hair back, wouldn't you? Well, not after it's been in the ground overnight, no.
I mean, to grow back.
Oh, it will, it'll probably take a month or so.
Not if I make you one of my hair-growing poultices.
Granny, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
You cannot do that anymore, not out here.
I can't, huh? Jed, come in here! Oh, please, please, don't go back home.
Don't leave Beverly Hills.
We'll work out something.
Yeah, Granny? You remember I whacked off Jed's hair clear across the back there? Yes.
Show him what my hair-growing poultice did for you, Jed.
It's a mite ragged; it ain't been trimmed yet.
Wh-Why, that's impossible.
You can't grow hair like that overnight.
Ow! Why, it's real.
It's actually growing right out of his scalp.
Well, that's what Granny's poultice does.
It just draws the hair right up through your hide.
You kept yours on a mite too long, didn't you, Jed? Yeah, I hadn't ought to slept in it.
It's a miracle! Come on! I'll whip you up one.
Granny, how did you discover this hair-growing poultice? Oh, that goes way back to my great-great-great granny.
You see, in her day, they had considerable trouble with the Indians.
Mayor, Mayor, I Your Honor It, it doesn't have to be a big parade.
No, just-just a high school band, a few horses, a few banners.
Mm-hmm.
My secretary's looking for a possum juggler.
He's a Possum juggler.
Yeah, he juggles three live possums the same as Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?! Is this the, uh, ACME Theatrical Agency? Oh, fine.
We're looking for a possum juggler for a parade.
You have a Clarence Juggler? Oh, not an actor.
A possum juggler is one who juggles possums.
Now, we would prefer one who can juggle at least three Hello? Hello? Oh! Dr.
Clyburn, what a pleasant surprise! What's that? Oh, uh, m-muscle spasm.
That's what I mean by "pleasant surprise.
" I was afraid I'd have to hobble all the way to your office.
Don't do that.
It might get worse.
Here, let me see your foot.
Oh.
Don't do that.
Oh, but Dr.
Clyburn, I assure you Look.
Mr.
Drysdale is not in! See? Told you.
Not here.
Hmm.
I wish I could stay out of my office! Have you any idea how it destroys the confidence of a patient to be examined by a doctor who keeps his hat on? Well Patient gets the feeling things aren't going well, and the doctor's ready to skip out of town.
But Dr.
Clyburn, everyone knows you're the finest doctor in Beverly Hills.
Now, don't try flattery on me.
Now, what about Granny? Oh, that wasn't flattery! I didn't say it was, I just said don't try it! Now, what about Granny? Did Milburn speak to her? Absolutely! I drove him there myself.
Did he lay down the law? Tell her no more doctoring? Or did he chicken out as usual? Oh, Mr.
Drysdale is not one to chicken out! He has an excellent war record! Yes, I've heard it.
I resent that, Clyburn! I'll have you know I was decorated! Yes, and I see you're still wearing it.
What is that? What? Oh, th-this! Well, my-my head was cold.
I presume that's why you were hiding under the desk.
As a matter of fact, it is! Now, I'm busy.
Get going! What about Granny? I took care of Granny.
I want the truth.
What shall I do, swear on my honor as a banker? No, I want the truth.
You don't have to worry about Granny.
Now get back to your own office.
I'm busy.
Well, I am running late.
But if I hear as much as one rumor about Granny Oh, howdy there! Hey, they's both here, Granny.
Ain't this a stroke of luck! First we find the bank open, so we can watch the parade from the window, and now here's Mr.
Clyburn! I was gonna send your hair-growing poultice over by Miss Jane.
Hair-growing poultice? Hmm.
Say, yours is coming along just fine.
I made yours a mite looser because I didn't know just when you were gonna use it.
So you're still making medicine! I'm a doctor, ain't I? Better run along, Roy.
Your patients are waiting.
Oh, no! No, no.
Oh, no! This is much more important! You heard him.
Poultice him, Jethro.
Yeah, Granny.
Please, wait, wait! No! Better fetch a towel, or that man's gonna have a awful hairy forehead! Granny, how many of my critters can I take back home with me? None that you didn't bring with you! I don't want nothing around that's gonna remind me of this miserable place! Well, how about my skunk? He won't take up no room.
Leave him here! Well, he might get kind of lonesome.
They ain't got many skunks in Beverly Hills.
Ha! There's plenty of the two-legged kind! Like that ungrateful good-for-nothing Clyburn fella! Say, uh, Granny, it's coming on for nightfall.
What'd you say we all get a good night's sleep, and we start out for home first thing in the morning? I ain't spending one more night in this Beverly Hills and that's that! I'm going back home where folks appreciate you doctoring them back to health and poultice hair on their head! That Clyburn fella was plumb ungrateful, was he? Downright nasty! Why, he's claiming that he wasn't even sick when he come here yesterday.
He says that Jethro put him to bed against his will! Why, he's even claiming that he is Mr.
Drysdale's doctor! You don't say.
I cured them both.
Now he's wanting all the credit! Well, Granny, let him have the credit.
It ain't that, Jed.
But it's the meanness of the man! Why, he yanked my poultice off his head and throwed it out the window.
Then he poke his finger in my face, and he says he's gonna get after me with a doctor's board! What's a doctor's board? I don't know, but it must be big.
He says four doctors sat on it.
That's when Jethro came in.
Right, Jethro? Yes, sir, Uncle Jed! I said, "You take a board to my Granny, "and I'll bust it over your head! I don't care how many doctors are sitting on it!" Well, I reckon you was considerable provoked to say that.
I was pretty provoked myself waiting outside.
Why, what happened to you? Well, as you know, this policeman give Jethro here a ticket for parking in front of the bank.
A five-dollar ticket.
Yeah.
Well, when the policeman come by and tried to give me another ticket, I said, "No thank you, we already got one.
"If it's all the same to you, I'll take the money.
" Well, he commenced to mean-mouthin' me, and I said, "Now, hold on there.
"If that's the way you're gonna be, we won't take your money or your ticket!" What did he say to that? He asked me if I wanted to come down to the station with him.
And I said, "No, I don't want to miss the Possum Day Parade.
" Well, what did he say to that? He said there was no Possum Day.
No Possum Day?! No Possum Day?! That's what he said.
These folks don't appreciate nothing out here! Jethro, you call Mr.
Drysdale at his bank, and you tell him to send over your Uncle Jed's $35 million right away; we want to take it with us.
Yessum, Granny.
And none of that paper stuff.
We want real money silver! But, Jethro, listen to me.
There is a Possum Day, and there will be a parade.
Mr.
Drysdale's working on it right now.
All right, Mayor.
Now, look, how about this? Couple of elephants, calliope, a few lousy balloons? Is that too much to ask? Oh, now, suppose we put your name on the balloons? Election's coming up, you know.
But, Jethro, please, you can't leave tonight.
Oh, let me talk to Granny.
All right.
One small elephant, a few balloons, and-and a possum juggler.
Possum juggler.
But-but Granny, 35 million in cash?! You can't possibly You want it in what? Nickels, dimes and quarters.
Hello? Hello? Hello? Granny? Hello? Hello? Well, the Possum Day Parade is all arranged.
First thing tomorrow morning.
Let's see, we're going to have an elephant, a Too late, Chief.
The Clampetts are leaving.
No! Tonight.
No! And taking their money.
No, no, no! Thought I'd drop by on my way to the medical board.
They'll have my report in case Granny tries to practice medicine again.
How many doctors did you say were on that board? Four.
All top men.
Well, you're gonna need all four of them! No, Chief! Remember, you're a bank president.
Allow me to hit him! What's the matter with you two? Look, Milburn, aren't you content just to look like an idiot? Do you have to act like one, too? And will you take off that silly-looking baby bonnet?! Hair?! Chief, you've got hair! Hair? Where? Of all places, on your head! Granny's poultice! It works! Ha! Look who has hair! Ha! And who hasn't! It's impossible.
It is a medical impossibility to so stimulate the cranial integument as to produce in a few short hours more than a microscopic, filamentous outgrowth of modified epidermic tissue known as hair! She did it! That little woman hillbilly witchdoctor did it! Come on, Chief, grab your coat and get your hat.
There's still time to stop them! Eight years, Harvard Medical School.
Two years internship, 20 years practice.
30 years of accumulated scientific knowledge right down the old tubes! Wait! Wait! I'm going with you! I want a poultice! No! I won't do it, and that's that! Please, Granny, I need my hair.
You can't refuse me.
You're my doctor.
Hey, Granny, guess what! They do have Possum Day out here.
They just celebrate one day later than we do! Yeah, and they're gonna have a parade tomorrow morning! And Mr.
Drysdale and Miss Jane say we can all be in it.
And them, too! We might even let him in it.
I played bass drum in the Harvard band.
I was once a drum majorette.
Yeah.
It would be a bit of a shame to have him march in the Possum Day Parade looking like that.
Yes it would, it would! All right, I'll make you a poultice, and you can sleep in it tonight.
Oh, thank you.
Dandy parade, ain't it, Granny? All except the possum juggler.
Sorriest I ever seen.
Well, she's doing the best she can.
Whoo! I'll bet you, by next Possum Day, she'll be good enough to lead the parade.
Whoo! Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back Next week to this locality To have a heaping helping of their hospitality.
Hillbilly, that is.
Set a spell.
Take your shoes off.
You all come back now, you hear? This has been A Filmways Presentation.