The Boondocks s02e02 Episode Script
Tom, Sarah & Usher
I am the stone The builder refused I am the visual The inspiration That made lady Sing the blues I'm the spark That makes your idea bright The same spark That lights the dark So that you can know Left from right I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun The inner glow That lets you know To call your brother sun The story that just begun The promise Of what's to come And I'm 'a remain a soldier Till the war is won Won Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop Judo flip Chop, chop, chop [JAZZ PLAYING.]
Okay.
Ready? None for me, thanks.
Tom, I think you can have a second glass on your anniversary.
I'm driving, sweetie-pooh.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't think one more glass of wine will kill you.
No, but driving under the influence of alcohol could kill me or you, or somebody's baby.
Worse yet, I'd spend the next [IN UNISON.]
Anally raped.
Yeah, let's talk more about your violated rectum.
Oh, I find it so romantic.
Hey, I'm just saying- [CLEARS THROAT.]
So n-no wine, then? No, thank you.
[GASPS.]
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
Oh, oh- Oh, my gosh.
[GIGGLES.]
[SQUEALS.]
Now- Now, that's what I like to see.
? Sarah's smile? [GROANS.]
Oh, my.
No, honey, don't sing.
Not again.
? Oh, won't you smile A while for me?? Um, Tom.
Tom ? Sarah? people are looking.
? When you feel cold? Tom, please.
? I'll warm you? [GIGGLES.]
Honey.
Honey, maybe this isn't the best place to be singing ? And when you feel You can't go on? ? I'll come and hold you? [GROANS.]
Yay.
All done.
? It's you, hey, and me? Every time we come in.
? Forever? Good.
? Sarah? Hm.
SARAH: Yay.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
[SQUEALS.]
What is it, honey? Wait.
Is that Usher? Yes.
Oh, my God.
He's coming over.
I can't believe this.
TOM: Oh, Sarah, you hit the table.
Hey, how you doin', babe? [GIGGLES.]
Hi, uh, uh, Mr.
Usher.
I- I can't believe it's you.
I'm Sarah.
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
You have a beautiful smile, Sarah.
? Sarah smile? [SIGHS.]
? Whoo? Oh, won't you smile A while for me SARAH: I love this song.
? Sarah? [CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS.]
Oh, wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Uh That was beautiful.
It's just what I do.
Oh, um, this is, uh Tom.
Yes, I'm Tom.
Just Tom.
[SARAH GIGGLING.]
USHER: Hey, how you doin'? [SIGHS.]
SARAH: You are so interesting.
USHER: You're interesting.
[SARAH LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY.]
If you don't mind me asking, where did you learn to dance like that? I've never seen anyone dance like Michael Jackson before.
Well, I've been dancing for as long as I remember.
It's not just the music.
I have seen all of your movies.
Really? Even Light It Up? I loved Light It Up.
I named my dog Light It Up.
Girl, please.
My mama wouldn't even see Light It Up.
So funny.
She's my manager.
I'm gonna talk to your mom.
She on MySpace.
I'll call her.
[GIGGLES.]
Are you a natural blond? Oh.
Oh, you are so funny.
Okay, one more.
Please, we gotta get one more.
Look at that one.
[SARAH AND USHER LAUGH.]
Let's go get some fresh air.
It'd be good for my vocals.
Sorry, man.
SARAH: I'm ticklish.
USHER: I'm gonna tickle you again.
Wouldn't let that shit happen to me though.
USHER: You rollin' with Ush.
[SARAH LAUGHS.]
And this is where I put the rabbit ears behind his head.
Ha-ha.
See, honey? Yes, yes, I see the ears.
[SIGHS.]
Don't you think your behavior might have been the slightest bit inappropriate? Oh, stop being insecure.
You were flirting.
He asked me to send him the pictures.
Tom, you know I'm a big Usher fan.
So is Jazmine, which make sense, because she's 10.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a bit old to be acting like some screaming TRL groupie.
[MENACINGLY.]
Stop the car.
Now, now, we won't have any of that.
Just calm down.
Stop the car! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Uh, are you mad? [?.]
RILEY: Usher? [LAUGHS.]
That nigga's my age.
So you guys don't think I'm overreacting? I don't think so.
You're a bigtime lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher? Not an usher.
Usher.
He's a singer.
Ushers ain't supposed to sing.
You can't hear the movie.
I finished cleaning the storm drain for you, Robert.
Oh.
What's wrong? Tom's wife is cheating on him with a singing usher.
Oh, I didn't say she was cheating.
Lord, Lord, Lord.
How did you end up with that white woman anyway? I say toss her groupie ass out the window, and let that ho stargaze from outside.
Now, Riley, there's never a place for violence in a relationship.
There sure seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night.
She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher.
Boy, watch your mouth.
Probably started out charitable.
She took you in, was probably teachin' you how to read.
But Granddad, she did make Mr.
DuBois look like a bitch.
Yeah.
We know she made Tom look like a bitch, but find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know, you rubbin' against that silky white skin.
Oh.
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got bitched.
Humiliated, castrated, emasc Oh, all right, all right.
I get the point.
I mean, I can see if it was a real nigga.
If you lost your ho to T.
I.
, I'd be like, "Hey, that's T.
I.
" But Usher? [LAUGHS.]
You better check that ho, Mr.
DuBois.
You know what? You guys are right.
I'm gonna go back there and put her in check.
For example, how many white women want to go to a basketball game just to see the game, come back with one of them NBA niggas out of sympathy? She came to see the game.
She wanted to be entertained.
Oh, the white woman's got a big heart.
Lord, she's got a big heart.
[TOM SOBBING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SOBBING.]
[STRUGGLES.]
Is your granddad home? Granddad.
Mr.
DuBois' at the door.
[WHINES.]
You's a bitch.
Well, Tom, I'm sorry to hear about the split.
I would love to let you crash, but I just don't know where you would stay.
Maybe the guest room.
[SOBBING.]
Who told him about the guest room? [SOBBING.]
Thank you so much, Robert.
See, boys? See why.
I tell you marriage is bad? I don't care what nobody say.
I ain't never gettin' married.
Statistically speakin', it was bound to fail anyway.
[WAILS.]
[USHER'S "BURN" PLAYING.]
I don't understand Why See it's burnin' me to hold onto this.
I know this is something I gotta do.
But that don't mean I want to [ SIGHS.]
Sarah All I'm trying to Say is that I love you ? I love you ? It's just, I feel like this is coming to an end.
Is coming to an end [SIGHS.]
And it's better for me To let it go now Than hold on and hurt you I gotta let it burn ? It's gonna burn for me To say this? ? But it's coming From my heart? It's been a long time comin' TOM: ? But we did fell apart ? I really want to Work this out But I don't think You're gonna change ? I do but you don't? Think it's best We go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay In this relationship When I'm hurtin', baby ? I ain't happy, baby? ? Plus there's so many? ? Other things I gotta deal with? ? I think that you should? Let it burn USHER: Let it burn Oh When your feeling Ain't the same ? Your body don't want to? ? But you know You gotta let it go? ? Because the party ain't? TOM: ? Jumpin' like it used to ? Even though this might Bruise you Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn ? Deep down you know It's best? ? For yourself, but you? ? Hate the thought Of her being with someone-? MAN: Car! [CAR BLARING HIP-HOP.]
? Being with someone else? ? But you know that it's over? ? We know that it's through? ? Let it burn? Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn ? Gotta let it burn? [PHONE RINGS.]
[SMOOTHLY.]
Hello? SARAH: It's Sarah.
How are you, baby? You're still taking Jazmine to her recital practice at 3, right? Yes.
What-? What is that in the background? Are you doing the music video thing again? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Gotta go, honey.
Bye.
? So many days So many hours? ? [MUMBLES.]
I'm still burnin'? Till you return When your feelin' Ain't the same And your body Till you return Don't want to Gotta let it go You see my chest The party ain't jumpin' Like it used to Oh ? Even though this might Bruise you? Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Gotta let it burn [INHALES.]
Oh Oh ? Let it burn Let it burn? It's burning.
[RILEY BOOING.]
[SOBBING.]
Hey, Tom.
Shut the fuck up.
GRANDDAD: Boy, watch your mouth.
Tom, shut the fuck up.
[WHIMPERS.]
Sorry.
I'm so cold.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[SOBS.]
[?.]
Could be worse.
Could have been Omarion.
Thank you for that perspective, Huey.
No problem.
So I said, "I ain't paying for dinner and a movie, woman.
"You must have lost your damn mind.
Shoot, I don't care if you are Eva Mendes.
" Wait.
What was the question? [GROANS.]
So this is the message you want to send to the young youth out here like myself just tryin' to do the right thing and not love these ho's, huh? W-w-w-what's all this? Is this what's hot right now in the streets? That's what's really hood, huh? All for some white girl who left you for an R&B dancing-ass, sexy-flexy- ass nigga? [?.]
TOM: And so, sweetie, that's why Daddy is staying over at the Freemans' house.
So Mommy can have her space.
So you're not getting a divorce? Oh, no, sweetie.
So Usher won't be my new daddy? What? No.
Th- That's ridiculous.
Oh.
Are you sure? Maybe just for a little while? I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy? This is a pretty-good-sized room.
I don't know what we're gonna do, but we gotta do Shh.
Here he comes.
Guys.
I just wanted to thank you for letting me stay here.
I know it's been an inconvenience.
Not at all, Tom.
You take as much time as you need.
We gotta do whatever it takes to get him the hell up out of here.
Ooh.
I got an idea.
GRANDDAD: Hey, Tom.
Tom.
Get down here.
Uh what's goin' on, guys? [?.]
Uh, Mr.
DuBois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
And this, sir, is an intervention.
An intervention? Your friends have reason to believe you are suffering from chronic bitch dependency, Mr.
DuBois.
May I call you Tom? Is this some kind of joke? Tom bitch dependency is no laughing matter.
Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even your money.
It's a disease, Tom.
Wait.
What was your name again? Well, thank you for asking.
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
Wait.
"A pimp"? Named Slickback.
Yes.
Please say the whole thing if you would.
Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part.
Yes, Tom.
Every time.
Look, Mr.
A Pimp Named Slickback No need for the "mister.
" I-I don't think I need any help.
[LAUGHS.]
from someone like you.
And by.
[FAKE LAUGHING.]
"someone like me," you mean a pimp? A bad guy? Uh, look, I'm not trying to insult you.
I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
Ohh.
So I'm wrong.
So I'm messed up.
Well, which one of us is the one missin' a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch.
I know where all my bitches are, thank you very much.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Bitch, where you at? WOMAN [ON PHONE.]
: I'm out here gettin' your money.
That's what the hell I thought.
Thank you, Grandma.
Now look at you: bitchless.
"Sans bitch," as the French in France would say.
I've had enough.
I'm going back upstairs.
GRANDDAD: Tom.
Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary.
But damn.
Tom, I just don't see any end in sight.
It's only been two days.
Nigga, hush.
You're living under my roof now.
You're gonna get some help.
You know what? I know a great therapist.
I'll make an appointment today.
That also would have been a good idea, but we've already paid Mr.
A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of $2500.
Robert, you shouldn't have.
With your credit card.
Oh.
[?.]
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Did you know that scientists now believe that some people are actually born with a genetic predisposition to bitch dependency, Tom? And exactly when did you become a relationship counselor? Well, sharing this pimp knowledge for an exorbitant fee is my way of giving something back to the community, Tom.
I want to help you, Tom.
I do.
But I need you to help me help you.
Huh.
"Help me help you.
" Yeah, okay.
Now tell me, if you would, about this bitch you have an unhealthy dependency on.
Could we please not call her a bi- Bi-? Say it.
"Bitch.
" Yeah.
Bitch.
Uh, yes, we've gotta call her that, Tom.
I'm sorry.
After what she's done, not callin' her a bitch would be disrespectful to you.
And I'm not able to do that.
Now please continue, Tom.
Well, my wife, Sarah I mean- She's the best woman in the world.
We've had a great life together until now.
[ELTON JOHN'S "BLUE EYES" PLAYING.]
Blue eyes Baby's got blue eyes Like a deep blue sea On a blue, blue day Blue eyes A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: It sounds to me, Tom, like some of the passion has gone out of your marriage.
And perhaps you're not providing enough excitement for her.
It's a normal thing in long-term relationships.
And you can help me fix it? Hell no.
I'm gonna help you make that bitch behave.
She wants excitement, she can take her ass to the movies.
[?.]
Did you know that at least suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that more likely than not, talking isn't the most effective way to communicate with a bitch.
That's when you have to hit her.
Whoa.
What? You tell her what you want her to do.
If she say, "No," hit the bitch.
Simple.
But I- I couldn't hit Sarah.
I couldn't hit any woman.
Has not hittin' a bitch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hittin' the bitch achieved the desired results? No way.
I just I- I-I can't.
I- I couldn't.
Tom.
I won't.
Tom, Take a deep breath.
It's okay.
People have phobias.
[SIGHS.]
Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a bitch's head.
[?.]
Okay.
We can beat this.
Tom, this is my bottom bitch, Sweetest Taboo.
Now, she's gonna help you learn how to reestablish dominance at home.
Hello.
Heh.
Taboo will be playing the role of your wife.
Now, approach Taboo, grab her arm firmly and command her to leave with you.
Okay.
Sarah, get your behind Stop, stop.
Say "bitch.
" Do I have to call her a bitch, really? Yes, Tom.
You have to call her a bitch.
Trust me on this one.
I've done the research.
Now, try again.
Bitch, get your behind Ass.
Bitch.
Get your ass in the car.
Kiss my ass, you little-dick, faggot motherfucker.
If you was any kind of real man, I wouldn't be here with Usher in the first place! Wait, hold on.
I don't think that's what Sarah would say.
It's now tragically obvious that reasoning with the bitch is not gonna work, Tom.
You have to hit her.
I am an assistant district attorney, for chrissake.
Tom you have to get past this.
It's okay, faggot really.
See, faggot? She just gave you permission.
Ah.
My chin- You see that? Bitch is hittin' you.
All right, lady.
Okay- Ow! You're definitely allowed by law to hit her now, Tom.
It's self-defense.
I didn't do anything.
Okay? Sweetest Taboo, you are in rare form.
[?.]
This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center.
Why does a pimp need a surveillance center? Included in your retainer fee is state-of-the-art bitch surveillance.
Quiet Storm here has been monitoring your wife's conversations and e-mails.
Daddy, I've got transcripts of all her conversations today.
No mention of Usher.
I'm hacking into her e-mail now, but, tsk, this computer is running a bit slow.
Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up.
Bitch, don't start with that "we need another computer" shit.
You say that shit every time a new iMac comes out.
You ain't slick.
You better make that G4 work, bitch, and stop playin' with me.
Yes, Daddy.
Nothing in the e-mail.
Does she have a MySpace page? MySpace? [LAUGHS.]
I don't think Sarah would have a- Found it.
Huh.
Uh, since when did she have a MySpace page? You know what her password might be? Um.
Gosh-golly, we- We usually use each other's middle names as passwords, so mine would be Lancaster.
That's L-A-N- Got it.
Password is "Usher.
" Here we go.
Message to Usher.
They're getting together at 3:00 at the Woodcrest Chateau Hotel.
That's in an hour.
We have to go.
You have to take me! Tom, if you're not ready to take control, then going there won't help.
I say let the bitch go.
I paid you $2000, and $500 as well.
Now, Tom, I hope you can appreciate our no-refunds policy.
How about a complimentary date with Sweetest Taboo? No, no, no.
You're still on retainer, and we're going now.
Ohh Now the nigga can get some bass in his voice.
Yeah, bitch.
Let's go.
[QUIET STORM TYPING.]
[?.]
TOM: There they are.
[SIGHS.]
Remember to hit the bitch.
Right.
Thank you so much for doing that.
I mean, you guys just went above and beyond.
I mean, really- [GASPS.]
Sarah.
I mean, bitch [GASPS.]
get your ass in the car.
[SCOFFS.]
Excuse me, Dolemite.
You heard me, beyotch.
Tom, please calm down and let me go.
[TOM GRUNTING.]
Hey, look, man, I think you should calm down.
[GRUNTS.]
[SMACK.]
Ah! The hell-? TOM: You can't have my wife! Tom! [JAZMINE CRIES.]
Daddy.
What did you do to Usher? Jazmine? [CRYING.]
Daddy.
Leave Usher alone.
What are you doing? Why are you trying to kill Usher? Yes, Super Fly.
What did Usher ever do to you? Jazmine wanted to meet Usher.
You're an animal.
Is Usher okay? So you're not-? No.
GUARD: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Easy, boys.
Ow! Yeah, nigga.
TOM: Oh, okay.
I see what this is.
SARAH: Stop! Don't hurt him.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[YAWNS.]
He didn't mean it.
He was trying to hit me.
[LAUGHS.]
Tom! TOM: I've never felt so much pain! [CRYING.]
I'm sorry, Usher! USHER: Shut the fuck up, Tom.
[?.]
Okay.
Ready? None for me, thanks.
Tom, I think you can have a second glass on your anniversary.
I'm driving, sweetie-pooh.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't think one more glass of wine will kill you.
No, but driving under the influence of alcohol could kill me or you, or somebody's baby.
Worse yet, I'd spend the next [IN UNISON.]
Anally raped.
Yeah, let's talk more about your violated rectum.
Oh, I find it so romantic.
Hey, I'm just saying- [CLEARS THROAT.]
So n-no wine, then? No, thank you.
[GASPS.]
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
Oh, oh- Oh, my gosh.
[GIGGLES.]
[SQUEALS.]
Now- Now, that's what I like to see.
? Sarah's smile? [GROANS.]
Oh, my.
No, honey, don't sing.
Not again.
? Oh, won't you smile A while for me?? Um, Tom.
Tom ? Sarah? people are looking.
? When you feel cold? Tom, please.
? I'll warm you? [GIGGLES.]
Honey.
Honey, maybe this isn't the best place to be singing ? And when you feel You can't go on? ? I'll come and hold you? [GROANS.]
Yay.
All done.
? It's you, hey, and me? Every time we come in.
? Forever? Good.
? Sarah? Hm.
SARAH: Yay.
[GASPS.]
Oh, my God.
[SQUEALS.]
What is it, honey? Wait.
Is that Usher? Yes.
Oh, my God.
He's coming over.
I can't believe this.
TOM: Oh, Sarah, you hit the table.
Hey, how you doin', babe? [GIGGLES.]
Hi, uh, uh, Mr.
Usher.
I- I can't believe it's you.
I'm Sarah.
[NERVOUS LAUGH.]
You have a beautiful smile, Sarah.
? Sarah smile? [SIGHS.]
? Whoo? Oh, won't you smile A while for me SARAH: I love this song.
? Sarah? [CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS.]
Oh, wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Uh That was beautiful.
It's just what I do.
Oh, um, this is, uh Tom.
Yes, I'm Tom.
Just Tom.
[SARAH GIGGLING.]
USHER: Hey, how you doin'? [SIGHS.]
SARAH: You are so interesting.
USHER: You're interesting.
[SARAH LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY.]
If you don't mind me asking, where did you learn to dance like that? I've never seen anyone dance like Michael Jackson before.
Well, I've been dancing for as long as I remember.
It's not just the music.
I have seen all of your movies.
Really? Even Light It Up? I loved Light It Up.
I named my dog Light It Up.
Girl, please.
My mama wouldn't even see Light It Up.
So funny.
She's my manager.
I'm gonna talk to your mom.
She on MySpace.
I'll call her.
[GIGGLES.]
Are you a natural blond? Oh.
Oh, you are so funny.
Okay, one more.
Please, we gotta get one more.
Look at that one.
[SARAH AND USHER LAUGH.]
Let's go get some fresh air.
It'd be good for my vocals.
Sorry, man.
SARAH: I'm ticklish.
USHER: I'm gonna tickle you again.
Wouldn't let that shit happen to me though.
USHER: You rollin' with Ush.
[SARAH LAUGHS.]
And this is where I put the rabbit ears behind his head.
Ha-ha.
See, honey? Yes, yes, I see the ears.
[SIGHS.]
Don't you think your behavior might have been the slightest bit inappropriate? Oh, stop being insecure.
You were flirting.
He asked me to send him the pictures.
Tom, you know I'm a big Usher fan.
So is Jazmine, which make sense, because she's 10.
What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a bit old to be acting like some screaming TRL groupie.
[MENACINGLY.]
Stop the car.
Now, now, we won't have any of that.
Just calm down.
Stop the car! [TIRES SCREECH.]
Uh, are you mad? [?.]
RILEY: Usher? [LAUGHS.]
That nigga's my age.
So you guys don't think I'm overreacting? I don't think so.
You're a bigtime lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher? Not an usher.
Usher.
He's a singer.
Ushers ain't supposed to sing.
You can't hear the movie.
I finished cleaning the storm drain for you, Robert.
Oh.
What's wrong? Tom's wife is cheating on him with a singing usher.
Oh, I didn't say she was cheating.
Lord, Lord, Lord.
How did you end up with that white woman anyway? I say toss her groupie ass out the window, and let that ho stargaze from outside.
Now, Riley, there's never a place for violence in a relationship.
There sure seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night.
She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher.
Boy, watch your mouth.
Probably started out charitable.
She took you in, was probably teachin' you how to read.
But Granddad, she did make Mr.
DuBois look like a bitch.
Yeah.
We know she made Tom look like a bitch, but find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know, you rubbin' against that silky white skin.
Oh.
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got bitched.
Humiliated, castrated, emasc Oh, all right, all right.
I get the point.
I mean, I can see if it was a real nigga.
If you lost your ho to T.
I.
, I'd be like, "Hey, that's T.
I.
" But Usher? [LAUGHS.]
You better check that ho, Mr.
DuBois.
You know what? You guys are right.
I'm gonna go back there and put her in check.
For example, how many white women want to go to a basketball game just to see the game, come back with one of them NBA niggas out of sympathy? She came to see the game.
She wanted to be entertained.
Oh, the white woman's got a big heart.
Lord, she's got a big heart.
[TOM SOBBING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SOBBING.]
[STRUGGLES.]
Is your granddad home? Granddad.
Mr.
DuBois' at the door.
[WHINES.]
You's a bitch.
Well, Tom, I'm sorry to hear about the split.
I would love to let you crash, but I just don't know where you would stay.
Maybe the guest room.
[SOBBING.]
Who told him about the guest room? [SOBBING.]
Thank you so much, Robert.
See, boys? See why.
I tell you marriage is bad? I don't care what nobody say.
I ain't never gettin' married.
Statistically speakin', it was bound to fail anyway.
[WAILS.]
[USHER'S "BURN" PLAYING.]
I don't understand Why See it's burnin' me to hold onto this.
I know this is something I gotta do.
But that don't mean I want to [ SIGHS.]
Sarah All I'm trying to Say is that I love you ? I love you ? It's just, I feel like this is coming to an end.
Is coming to an end [SIGHS.]
And it's better for me To let it go now Than hold on and hurt you I gotta let it burn ? It's gonna burn for me To say this? ? But it's coming From my heart? It's been a long time comin' TOM: ? But we did fell apart ? I really want to Work this out But I don't think You're gonna change ? I do but you don't? Think it's best We go our separate ways Tell me why I should stay In this relationship When I'm hurtin', baby ? I ain't happy, baby? ? Plus there's so many? ? Other things I gotta deal with? ? I think that you should? Let it burn USHER: Let it burn Oh When your feeling Ain't the same ? Your body don't want to? ? But you know You gotta let it go? ? Because the party ain't? TOM: ? Jumpin' like it used to ? Even though this might Bruise you Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn ? Deep down you know It's best? ? For yourself, but you? ? Hate the thought Of her being with someone-? MAN: Car! [CAR BLARING HIP-HOP.]
? Being with someone else? ? But you know that it's over? ? We know that it's through? ? Let it burn? Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn ? Gotta let it burn? [PHONE RINGS.]
[SMOOTHLY.]
Hello? SARAH: It's Sarah.
How are you, baby? You're still taking Jazmine to her recital practice at 3, right? Yes.
What-? What is that in the background? Are you doing the music video thing again? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Gotta go, honey.
Bye.
? So many days So many hours? ? [MUMBLES.]
I'm still burnin'? Till you return When your feelin' Ain't the same And your body Till you return Don't want to Gotta let it go You see my chest The party ain't jumpin' Like it used to Oh ? Even though this might Bruise you? Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn Let it burn Gotta let it burn Gotta let it burn [INHALES.]
Oh Oh ? Let it burn Let it burn? It's burning.
[RILEY BOOING.]
[SOBBING.]
Hey, Tom.
Shut the fuck up.
GRANDDAD: Boy, watch your mouth.
Tom, shut the fuck up.
[WHIMPERS.]
Sorry.
I'm so cold.
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[SOBS.]
[?.]
Could be worse.
Could have been Omarion.
Thank you for that perspective, Huey.
No problem.
So I said, "I ain't paying for dinner and a movie, woman.
"You must have lost your damn mind.
Shoot, I don't care if you are Eva Mendes.
" Wait.
What was the question? [GROANS.]
So this is the message you want to send to the young youth out here like myself just tryin' to do the right thing and not love these ho's, huh? W-w-w-what's all this? Is this what's hot right now in the streets? That's what's really hood, huh? All for some white girl who left you for an R&B dancing-ass, sexy-flexy- ass nigga? [?.]
TOM: And so, sweetie, that's why Daddy is staying over at the Freemans' house.
So Mommy can have her space.
So you're not getting a divorce? Oh, no, sweetie.
So Usher won't be my new daddy? What? No.
Th- That's ridiculous.
Oh.
Are you sure? Maybe just for a little while? I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy? This is a pretty-good-sized room.
I don't know what we're gonna do, but we gotta do Shh.
Here he comes.
Guys.
I just wanted to thank you for letting me stay here.
I know it's been an inconvenience.
Not at all, Tom.
You take as much time as you need.
We gotta do whatever it takes to get him the hell up out of here.
Ooh.
I got an idea.
GRANDDAD: Hey, Tom.
Tom.
Get down here.
Uh what's goin' on, guys? [?.]
Uh, Mr.
DuBois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
And this, sir, is an intervention.
An intervention? Your friends have reason to believe you are suffering from chronic bitch dependency, Mr.
DuBois.
May I call you Tom? Is this some kind of joke? Tom bitch dependency is no laughing matter.
Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even your money.
It's a disease, Tom.
Wait.
What was your name again? Well, thank you for asking.
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
Wait.
"A pimp"? Named Slickback.
Yes.
Please say the whole thing if you would.
Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part.
Yes, Tom.
Every time.
Look, Mr.
A Pimp Named Slickback No need for the "mister.
" I-I don't think I need any help.
[LAUGHS.]
from someone like you.
And by.
[FAKE LAUGHING.]
"someone like me," you mean a pimp? A bad guy? Uh, look, I'm not trying to insult you.
I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
Ohh.
So I'm wrong.
So I'm messed up.
Well, which one of us is the one missin' a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch.
I know where all my bitches are, thank you very much.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
Bitch, where you at? WOMAN [ON PHONE.]
: I'm out here gettin' your money.
That's what the hell I thought.
Thank you, Grandma.
Now look at you: bitchless.
"Sans bitch," as the French in France would say.
I've had enough.
I'm going back upstairs.
GRANDDAD: Tom.
Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary.
But damn.
Tom, I just don't see any end in sight.
It's only been two days.
Nigga, hush.
You're living under my roof now.
You're gonna get some help.
You know what? I know a great therapist.
I'll make an appointment today.
That also would have been a good idea, but we've already paid Mr.
A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of $2500.
Robert, you shouldn't have.
With your credit card.
Oh.
[?.]
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Did you know that scientists now believe that some people are actually born with a genetic predisposition to bitch dependency, Tom? And exactly when did you become a relationship counselor? Well, sharing this pimp knowledge for an exorbitant fee is my way of giving something back to the community, Tom.
I want to help you, Tom.
I do.
But I need you to help me help you.
Huh.
"Help me help you.
" Yeah, okay.
Now tell me, if you would, about this bitch you have an unhealthy dependency on.
Could we please not call her a bi- Bi-? Say it.
"Bitch.
" Yeah.
Bitch.
Uh, yes, we've gotta call her that, Tom.
I'm sorry.
After what she's done, not callin' her a bitch would be disrespectful to you.
And I'm not able to do that.
Now please continue, Tom.
Well, my wife, Sarah I mean- She's the best woman in the world.
We've had a great life together until now.
[ELTON JOHN'S "BLUE EYES" PLAYING.]
Blue eyes Baby's got blue eyes Like a deep blue sea On a blue, blue day Blue eyes A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: It sounds to me, Tom, like some of the passion has gone out of your marriage.
And perhaps you're not providing enough excitement for her.
It's a normal thing in long-term relationships.
And you can help me fix it? Hell no.
I'm gonna help you make that bitch behave.
She wants excitement, she can take her ass to the movies.
[?.]
Did you know that at least suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that more likely than not, talking isn't the most effective way to communicate with a bitch.
That's when you have to hit her.
Whoa.
What? You tell her what you want her to do.
If she say, "No," hit the bitch.
Simple.
But I- I couldn't hit Sarah.
I couldn't hit any woman.
Has not hittin' a bitch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hittin' the bitch achieved the desired results? No way.
I just I- I-I can't.
I- I couldn't.
Tom.
I won't.
Tom, Take a deep breath.
It's okay.
People have phobias.
[SIGHS.]
Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a bitch's head.
[?.]
Okay.
We can beat this.
Tom, this is my bottom bitch, Sweetest Taboo.
Now, she's gonna help you learn how to reestablish dominance at home.
Hello.
Heh.
Taboo will be playing the role of your wife.
Now, approach Taboo, grab her arm firmly and command her to leave with you.
Okay.
Sarah, get your behind Stop, stop.
Say "bitch.
" Do I have to call her a bitch, really? Yes, Tom.
You have to call her a bitch.
Trust me on this one.
I've done the research.
Now, try again.
Bitch, get your behind Ass.
Bitch.
Get your ass in the car.
Kiss my ass, you little-dick, faggot motherfucker.
If you was any kind of real man, I wouldn't be here with Usher in the first place! Wait, hold on.
I don't think that's what Sarah would say.
It's now tragically obvious that reasoning with the bitch is not gonna work, Tom.
You have to hit her.
I am an assistant district attorney, for chrissake.
Tom you have to get past this.
It's okay, faggot really.
See, faggot? She just gave you permission.
Ah.
My chin- You see that? Bitch is hittin' you.
All right, lady.
Okay- Ow! You're definitely allowed by law to hit her now, Tom.
It's self-defense.
I didn't do anything.
Okay? Sweetest Taboo, you are in rare form.
[?.]
This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center.
Why does a pimp need a surveillance center? Included in your retainer fee is state-of-the-art bitch surveillance.
Quiet Storm here has been monitoring your wife's conversations and e-mails.
Daddy, I've got transcripts of all her conversations today.
No mention of Usher.
I'm hacking into her e-mail now, but, tsk, this computer is running a bit slow.
Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up.
Bitch, don't start with that "we need another computer" shit.
You say that shit every time a new iMac comes out.
You ain't slick.
You better make that G4 work, bitch, and stop playin' with me.
Yes, Daddy.
Nothing in the e-mail.
Does she have a MySpace page? MySpace? [LAUGHS.]
I don't think Sarah would have a- Found it.
Huh.
Uh, since when did she have a MySpace page? You know what her password might be? Um.
Gosh-golly, we- We usually use each other's middle names as passwords, so mine would be Lancaster.
That's L-A-N- Got it.
Password is "Usher.
" Here we go.
Message to Usher.
They're getting together at 3:00 at the Woodcrest Chateau Hotel.
That's in an hour.
We have to go.
You have to take me! Tom, if you're not ready to take control, then going there won't help.
I say let the bitch go.
I paid you $2000, and $500 as well.
Now, Tom, I hope you can appreciate our no-refunds policy.
How about a complimentary date with Sweetest Taboo? No, no, no.
You're still on retainer, and we're going now.
Ohh Now the nigga can get some bass in his voice.
Yeah, bitch.
Let's go.
[QUIET STORM TYPING.]
[?.]
TOM: There they are.
[SIGHS.]
Remember to hit the bitch.
Right.
Thank you so much for doing that.
I mean, you guys just went above and beyond.
I mean, really- [GASPS.]
Sarah.
I mean, bitch [GASPS.]
get your ass in the car.
[SCOFFS.]
Excuse me, Dolemite.
You heard me, beyotch.
Tom, please calm down and let me go.
[TOM GRUNTING.]
Hey, look, man, I think you should calm down.
[GRUNTS.]
[SMACK.]
Ah! The hell-? TOM: You can't have my wife! Tom! [JAZMINE CRIES.]
Daddy.
What did you do to Usher? Jazmine? [CRYING.]
Daddy.
Leave Usher alone.
What are you doing? Why are you trying to kill Usher? Yes, Super Fly.
What did Usher ever do to you? Jazmine wanted to meet Usher.
You're an animal.
Is Usher okay? So you're not-? No.
GUARD: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Easy, boys.
Ow! Yeah, nigga.
TOM: Oh, okay.
I see what this is.
SARAH: Stop! Don't hurt him.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
[YAWNS.]
He didn't mean it.
He was trying to hit me.
[LAUGHS.]
Tom! TOM: I've never felt so much pain! [CRYING.]
I'm sorry, Usher! USHER: Shut the fuck up, Tom.
[?.]