The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Maxine.
I'm not confident in a lot of things.
I mean, is the government protecting us? Who knows? Is the environment gonna be okay? - I'm not a scientist.
- (chuckles) But what I am confident in is that I am, perhaps, the greatest boyfriend of all time.
Maxine, get your coat.
We're going out.
But I thought we were going to your parents' house for their anniversary.
I got them Apple TV.
Well, we'll stop by and say a quick hello, but it's en route to the surprise.
Let's go.
Get your coat.
(laughs) All right, so where we going? Don't you understand the concept of a surprise? I'm being spontaneous.
I'm being exciting.
I'm being perhaps the greatest boyfriend of all time.
Well, just tell me where we're going.
Is it, like, the roller derby or experimental art theater? I don't know what either of those things are.
Come on, just tell me.
- No.
It's a surprise.
- Just tell me where it is.
- Come on! - All right.
It's a comedy show.
Oh.
Uh, I don't really like most comedians.
- They're usually so mean.
- No, no, no.
Not this one.
This one's friendly.
His act's mostly about, like, family and children.
Oh, okay.
Well, that sounds nice.
Who is it? - Uh - Who is it? Okay.
- No.
- (scoffs) - Come on.
- Absolutely not.
You're being unreasonable.
There is absolutely, positively no way on earth you could ever get me to see Bill Cosby.
This is exactly why it should have been a surprise.
Come on, Maxine.
I've loved The Cosby Show since I was a kid.
And I've never seen him live, and let's be honest, this is kind of his farewell tour.
I mean, who knows how long he's gonna be alive? Or free? The ironic part is, you would have to knock me unconscious to get me to go see Bill Cosby.
So, I just want to confirm that's a no, right? No, I just wanted I wouldn't take you without your consent, Maxine.
That's just 34 years, wow.
I'm so proud of you guys.
I mean, relationships are so hard.
You know, all the, all the trials and all the tribulations.
You know, I think that's what messed up me and Nekeisha.
The tribulations.
What's you guys' secret? Well, Bobby, the key to a long-lasting relationship is: don't break up.
Okay, but how? Every relationship comes with some challenges.
And sometimes you feel like the only solution is to end it.
The secret is: don't.
Thanks for the advice.
No problem.
Joe, is Jerrod and Maxine still coming? That boy has been late his whole life.
He's the reason why you had to have that C-section.
Well, I bet you I was on time, Daddy.
Are you kidding me? You were two months early.
Scared us to death.
Nearly ruined us financially.
You fit in a shoe.
BOTH: Happy anniversary! Thank you guys! So, what are you guys doing? Anything special? Well, being with Joe all these years is such a blessing.
I'm just thankful for that.
So you're not doing anything? No, nothing, not at all.
You know, me and your mama ran out of ways to make each other feel special.
We have been celebrating anniversaries for 34 years.
Do you know how many ways there are to celebrate an anniversary? Now, I done already ran through 16 of them.
I gotta save something special for the 50th.
Yes, but it's still you guys' anniversary.
You should come out with me to a fun comedy show.
Jerrod, what are you doing? Oh, I love comedians.
They're always so mean.
This is exciting.
We haven't been out in a long time.
Who are the tickets for? Bill Cosby.
Bill Cosby?! Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby?! Bill Cosby.
Oh.
You know, when we were dating, your daddy used to play those Cosby records and act out routines for me.
Oh, I would laugh so hard.
But he wasn't very good at it.
But that was when we cared enough to try.
Joe, you remember when we cared enough to try? It feels like it was a lifetime ago.
But tonight we're celebrating, 'cause we're going to see Bill Cosby.
- (squeals) - Oh, Joe, come on.
You're not really gonna go support Bill Cosby? Support? No.
Enjoy.
Now, I'm not gonna be a character witness for this man in court.
Well, Cynthia certainly doesn't want to go and see a predator who took advantage of innocent women.
Do you, Cynthia? No, right? Right.
Look, Ma, it's a special day for you.
If you want to come, just come.
Well, how many women is it up to now? - 55.
- 55.
- 55.
Yeah, it's a lot.
55 different women have all come forward.
Well, that's a high number.
(sighs) I shouldn't go! Right? Oh, I don't know what to do.
What you guys think? Well, I tell you what I think.
I couldn't go see Bill Cosby.
Good, good for you, Bobby.
We need to support the victims.
That's a good reason, too.
But my thing is this: Bill Cosby is always so critical of us young people, you know? He always talking about the way we wear our pants and the music we listen to.
"Us young people"? Bobby, you're 32 years old.
You know, Maxine, there's something in this country called "innocent until proven guilty.
" Oh, you really think that there's a chance he's innocent? No, I know he is innocent until proven guilty.
But that is the foundation of our justice system.
I mean, isn't that what you would want if you were accused of something, or do you want the Internet to decide? Don't get me wrong, if Bill Cosby is tried and convicted during the show, all you gotta do is text me, and I promise you, I will storm right out.
Our justice system also has a bad habit of letting people who are rich and famous off the hook.
CYNTHIA: Well, maybe it isn't our place to decide.
I mean, with the statute of limitations, only God can judge now anyway.
Who is gonna be in the opening act? Is it Wayne Brady? Oh! He's does it all! (laughs) Look, for me, this whole thing isn't about guilt or innocence.
It's about the fact that The Cosby Show was so important.
I mean, it brought my family together.
It made us realize we could go to college.
I mean, we didn't, but we knew we could.
And that ain't nothing.
That doesn't change the fact that he's a horrible human being.
(stammering) Allegedly.
Continue.
Look, Maxine, just face it.
Talent is more important than morals.
What? More important? According to who? According to you, the same woman who, despite many accusations, continues to listen to Michael Jackson.
Well, if she's listening to Michael Jackson, I can go see Bill Cosby.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Everybody listens to Michael Jackson.
And that's my point.
Everyone should listen to Michael Jackson.
Even his victims should listen to his music.
I mean, they probably need it more than we do.
They've been through a lot.
Well, the boy's got a point.
I mean, I support gay rights, but I still eat at Chick-fil-A.
Like, a lot.
Like, four times a week.
Mmm.
Maybe I don't support gay rights.
You're being hypocritical, Maxine.
Aren't you the same person who saw Blue Jasmine during the height of the Woody Allen scandal? Just putting money directly into his pockets? Fine, if you don't go see Bill Cosby, then I will never go see a Woody Allen film again.
I'm not judging you for seeing his movies.
You should see them.
He's a great artist.
I'm just saying you need to separate people's personal life from their work.
I mean, anybody's capable of doing something violent or disgusting, but the list of people with genuine talent is limited.
So, talent trumps morals.
Hmm.
Does this mean I can go back to listening to Chris Brown? Has there ever been a singer with the last name Brown who didn't hit a girl? Chris, Bobby, James.
The list is bottomless.
Look, the-the show starts soon, Ma.
What's it gonna be? Oh, this is a tough one.
I mean, Joe has made some very good points about the judicial system, and Maxine, she's made some good points about how rape is bad.
Hey, y'all.
- JERROD: Hey, Nekeisha.
- CYNTHIA: Oh, Nekeisha! Happy anniversary! (coldly): Hey.
'Sup? Now, I would've put five dollars in here, but I had to buy the card, so there you go.
Oh, Nekeisha, I'm so glad you're here.
Do you think I should go see Bill Cosby? You got tickets? To the show tonight? That's amazing.
Why wouldn't you go? Well, you know.
Well, of course he's not as sharp as he was when he was in his prime, but I heard he's still very funny.
JERROD: No.
No.
No, Nekeisha.
(chuckles) We're not talking about the quality of his comedy here.
We're talking about, you know all the stuff in the news.
Stuff in the news? What-what stuff in the news? (sighs) Oh, Lord.
Are you being serious right now? - You really haven't heard? - Heard what? What are you guys talking about? You know what, I'm just gonna pull up Bill Cosby's Wikipedia page and let you read for yourself.
Just keep scrolling until you find something noteworthy.
Okay.
(sighs) Whoa! I had no idea Bill Cosby was the first African-American costar in a nationally televised show, pioneering the way for other African-American actors for many years to come.
I mean, that's really pretty noteworthy right there, that's MAXINE: Yeah.
Okay, just - Keep reading, keep reading.
- Okay.
Good God! Mm-hmm.
Did you know that Bill Cosby has donated over $100 million to Spelman and Morehouse Colleges? No, not that! No! Can you just skip down to the '80s or something? Okay, to the '80s.
- (sighs) - Okay.
Oh, my God.
They played The Cosby Show for Nelson Mandela in prison.
No! The women, Nekeisha, the women.
I don't know why that's not higher on his Wikipedia page.
Oh.
Okay.
(murmuring) 55 women? Oh, that's horrible.
Hell no, I wouldn't go to that show.
Mm-mm.
Well, is there a-an acceptable number whereby someone could go to the show? You know what? Thank you, Nekeisha.
I'm glad someone else has principles.
Oh, yeah, you gotta be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see.
I remember somebody tried to give me a free iPhone and I had to tell them "Hell no! I heard little Chinese babies make those phones.
" I'd rather use a pay phone than put one of those in my pocket.
You know that? JERROD: Well, look.
We got, like, an hour till Cosby, so who's coming with me? Although I would really love to go out tonight, I cannot go in good conscience.
Well, son, looks like it's just gonna be you and me.
What? You're going? You're going to leave me alone on our anniversary? Well, I've been home for 20 hours.
I'm just gonna miss the last few.
Well, I cannot believe this, Joe.
You're gonna pick this show over me? Nekeisha, get that Wikipedia page and update it, because now there's 56 women that Bill Cosby has hurt! Are you really mad? Not mad.
Disappointed.
Good, 'cause I hate when you're mad.
Well Well, Maxine, I take it you're gonna be pretty disappointed if I go, too? No, I'm mad.
Oh, thank God.
I hate it when you're disappointed in me.
Good night, you guys.
Now that's what I call tribulations.
Maxine's always trying to make me a better person.
I mean, what's up with that? You know, I was good enough to get her.
Why do I have to be better now than I was then? You-you don't buy a Toyota, then get mad a year later when it's not a Lexus.
Well, that's true.
I never heard a guy ask his girl to be a better person.
It's like they expect us to be more complex than we are.
Yeah, and all we ask of them is that they stay hot.
It's never even crossed my mind to wonder if Maxine's a good person.
I mean, I assume she is, but I don't know what she does when she leaves the house.
Maybe she shoplifts or harms animals.
It's none of my business, really.
You know what? They expect too much of us.
I mean, if I don't disappoint your mama from time to time, how's she gonna know how it feels when I really delight her? All right, I gotta ask you.
Do you do you think Cosby did all of what they're saying he did? Are we really gonna do this? Roll your window up.
Look.
(sighs) The only people who really know what happened are Bill Cosby and those women.
And those women happened to be knocked out.
So we really only have Cosby's word to go on.
You know what? You know what, Dad? Don't really think you're helping your point, here.
No, I mean, have you ever tried to interview somebody who was knocked out? No.
No, I have never It's impossible 'cause they're unconscious.
Okay, all right.
You know what? - Sorry I brought it up.
- You can ask 'em 100 questions, - you ain't gonna get no answers.
- Sorry I brought it up.
Sittin' by the open fireplace Ooh, I like this song.
This reminds me of your mama.
I don't know where I would be today without her.
Parking lot's over here on the right.
And it sounded sweet to me $25 for parking? I'm not paying $25 for parking.
I'll pay it, Dad.
No, it's the principle.
Principle? We're on our way to a Bill Cosby show.
You're gonna draw your line at parking? I don't know.
Your mama's upset with me and now this $25 parking It's all starting to add up.
I think I'm just gonna go get your mama an anniversary gift and head on home.
- Get out.
- What? What are you doing? You're-you're kicking me out of your car? Here? This is a bad neighborhood.
There's no such thing as a bad neighborhood.
Just bad people who hang out in neighborhoods kind of like this one.
Here, you better take a weapon.
That can also be used as a flashlight.
It doesn't even have batteries in it.
Well, good talk.
Enjoy the concert.
Be safe out there.
'Cause I love you, Brandy Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Sippin' on a cherry soda pop Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Do y'all think it's okay that we watch Ted 2, since it's a Mark Wahlberg film and all? Well, what's wrong with Mark Wahlberg? Well, when he was a teenager, right this is pre-Marky Mark he committed a hate crime.
He beat up a-a blind Asian dude.
N-Now the thing about it is, I don't know if he hated the blind or if he hated the Asian.
Fine, I'll change it.
Hey, Siri! Uh, what's the name of that movie where Denzel Washington plays a drunken airplane pilot? You know the one I'm talking about.
I don't I don't think it works like that.
SIRI: Now playing Flight.
(door opens) Hey, honey.
Oh, don't "honey" me.
And don't come over here with that "baby" and "sweetheart" thing, either.
Look, I know you're mad.
But I will have you know that I did not go to the show.
Instead, I bought you a present.
Happy anniversary! Look who's not disappointing now? Oh, Joe! Goodness, is this for me? - Yes, it is.
- Oh, my goodness, it's beautiful.
- (laughs) - Oh Joe, you are not a disappointment.
Oh You are the most wonderful, kindest, sweetest man in the world.
(chuckles) You pretty lucky to have me.
Yeah, I guess I am.
(giggling) Oh.
Hey, Jerrod.
Did you also have a change of heart and not go see Bill Cosby? Oh, no, I definitely went to the show.
But you'll be happy to know that I did not enjoy it.
Oh.
Well, that does make me happy.
Glad you still have a conscience.
He was still funny and still sharp, but it just left me time to think, you know? Every time he took a sip of water and he took a lot of sips of water, too, 'cause he's 80 and I kept thinking: Was it wrong to laugh? Was it wrong to be there? I couldn't stop thinking about all the things you said.
So congrats, Maxine, you ruined my idol for me.
Whoa, hold on.
This is not my fault.
And it's not your fault.
It's Bill Cosby's fault.
He did this.
He ruined his own reputation.
I just want the guy that makes me laugh back.
The best thing our heroes can do is die before they disappoint us.
If Martin Luther King Jr.
were still alive, he'd probably be doing mattress commercials.
"I had a dream "and you can, too, "on a new Tempur-Pedic queen-sized memory foam mattress.
" Oh, Joe! Stop! Look I get it.
I don't want to be immoral and support him, but (sighs) I don't know, I just can't forget all the good things Cosby's done.
I mean, we've all loved Bill Cosby at some point.
He's made us all laugh, and finding something that brings you joy is really hard to find, so letting it go is even harder.
Oh, Jerrod, I know it's hard.
But, baby, once you know something, you cannot un-know it.
Now, it is up to you to decide where you want to draw your line.
Mama, is that a security tag on your coat? Joe, is that stolen? Is something stolen if it costs $600 but I got it out of a guy's trunk for $80? - Yes.
- CYNTHIA: Joe.
Well, I love it and I love you, too.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What, you're gonna keep a stolen coat? What happened to "once you know something, you can't unknow it"? Honey, I told you to draw your line.
And right now, I'm drawing all kind of lines around this coat.
(laughs) That's my girl! (whoops, laughs) Aw.
Jerrod, come over and sit next to me.
(sighs) I'm sorry that you had a rough night.
Yeah.
All this Cosby stuff is really starting to depress me.
I need something to cheer me up.
Hey, Siri, play The Cosby Show.
Just one more time, you know for old times' sake.
Wait, which episode you gonna do? Could you pull up the one where Rudy's goldfish died and he did a funeral for it? No, I'm gonna do the Monopoly money one with Theo.
No, no, no, it's my anniversary.
I want to see them dancin' on the stairs.
Oh! Or the Gordon Gartrell shirt one.
JOE: No, no, no.
Do the Thanksgiving episode where he teaches Theo how to carve the turkey using that Julia Child voice.
"Now the first thing you do is, "you got to grab the turkey "and make the cut all the way down to the Frick and frackle.
" (laughter) Damn shame what he did to those women, though.
Oh So this is the new show we're gonna be watching as a family.
Steinfield.
Seinfeld, and yes, it's hilarious.
You know something? It's like people don't know this, but Jerry Seinfeld does what I like to call "observational comedy," right? Where he observe something and then he make comedy out of that observation, right? So, for instance, look at this table, right? He would look at this table, he would say, "What's with tables?" (laughing) - That was a spot-on impression, Bobby.
- (laughs) I can't believe you guys have never seen this show.
It was a huge part of NBC's Must See TV lineup.
Well, I don't like people telling me I must see something.
Makes me want to rebel.
Like when everyone was going crazy over that "blood moon," I refused to look up.
I don't do anything anyone tells me.
That's why I've been tased so many times.
Now, before we become emotionally invested in this show, has anyone in the cast ever done any horrible thing? No, no, no.
Jerry's only vices are cars and coffee, Elaine's the new Veep, and George now has a lush head of hair for some reason.
Okay, here we go.
Now, the dude who played Kramer JOE: He called us what?