The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
1 There you are, mummy.
We were beginning to think you didn't want your brioche.
Thomas, Chloe, mummy has something to tell you.
What is it, dear heart? Tell all.
Alice can't come to work today, so mummy's had to arrange For an agency nanny to come round.
Mummy, no! We must all be very brave.
I don't feel very well.
Be strong, my darlings, because there's something else you should know.
Something much worse.
This person the agency are sending us, she's from the north.
Newcastle, I'm told, but could be as far as sunder-land.
I'm sorry.
Hiya, I'm Gina from the agency.
Are you mrs Montgomery? Hey, I tell you what, I thought I was going to be late, the traffic was that bad.
Never mind, here I am, on time, so no worries there.
You've got a lovely place, mrs m.
You don't mind if I call you mrs m, do you? Only mrs Montgomery's a bit of a gobful.
Hiya.
What do you call youse then? I can see I'm gonna have me hand full with you pair of tykes, aren't I? Mummy, mummy, what's she saying? I don't know, Chloe, but she sounds awfully angry, so don't provoke her in any way.
Avoid looking her in the eyes.
Is she going to kill us? Shh, shh, Thomas, mummy won't let anything happen to you.
Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but first, why don't I make us all a nice milky brew? And who fancies a couple of biccies as well, eh? Run for your lives children, we're all going to die! Is that air freshener I can smell? Yeah, it's supposed to be vanilla.
It's very overpowering.
I can put it in the glove compartment if it's bothering you.
Would you mind? Sorry, do you mind if we don't have the radio on? Sure, no problem.
I've just got a bit of a headache.
Look at that.
Do you mind winding up your window? Yeah, sure.
Disgusting! It's very cold in here.
Could you put your heating on? - I got a new top for tonight.
- Is it? - I got a well good price for it.
- Did ya? - It was 15.
99, right? - Yeah? - But I didn't pay that.
- Did you haggle, though? You should have seen me, though.
This is me, right.
"How much is that top?" And this is her, right.
"1599.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we really saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"I don't think so.
" And this is her, right.
"What d'you mean?" And this is me, right.
"It's got a button missing.
" - What did you pay for it, mate? - £15.
- That is well good.
- Innit, though? - I'm gonna wear it for the gig tonight.
- What gig, mate? - Me and Ryan are going to a gig tonight.
- Is it? I'm gonna look well hip-hop.
Awright? Awright.
- I'm well worked out.
- Did you win? I smashed him in the second with my dambuster.
Is it? Do you want some of my snickers bar? This gig's gonna be well all right.
I can't wait to see naughty.
- Who, mate? Naughty rascal.
- "Naughty rascal"? - He's a well big shout-out.
It's dizzee rascal.
- What? - It's dizzee rascal, mate! Naughty rascal! That is well bad.
Am I bothered? - Can you believe that? - Am I bothered, though? - Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Take the shame, though.
- I ain't even bothered, though.
- You've well embarrassed yourself.
- Do I look bothered? - You're an embarrassment, though.
- Do I look bothered, though? - You're well shameful.
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You brought shame on your family.
- I don't care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But you've shamed them, though.
- I don't even care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But they're your parents, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Yes, they are, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Well why do you live with them then? - Are you disrespecting my family? - Are you disrespecting my family, though? - No, I ain't, though.
- You're disrespecting my family.
- I'm just saying.
- Are you calling my mum a prostitute? - No, I'm just Are you calling my dad an alcoholic? - But you said naughty rascal, mate.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- But it's dizzee, though.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- Yeah, but - Do I look bothered? - Yeah, but - Is my face bothered? Is my face bothered? - Well - But is it bothered, though? Do I look bothered? You think I'm bothered? Ask me if I'm bothered.
Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered! - Are you bothered? - No, I ain't even bothered.
- But you said Face.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- Yes, but why Naughty.
Face.
Bastard.
What? Face.
Bothered.
I ain't bothered! - Have you got your autograph book? - Why? Naughty rascal's right behind you, mate.
Female interviewer'.
Moo Shepherd is 36 and lives in Studleyjust outside Birmingham.
She's been a professional dog trainer for more than 10 years.
Last year, after winning the Midlands six-part obedience championship, known locally as the Birmingham six, her dog and lifelong companion, mr tibbs, died peacefully in his sleep.
Now moo has only eight weeks to train her new dog and retain her title of dog obedience champion for the seventh year running.
So it's just a gentle trot and stay close.
- Stay close.
- Stay close.
Stay close.
Come on, I can't hear you.
- Stay close.
Stay close.
- What about the praise? Don't forget the praise, you'll get nowhere without the praise.
- Good boy.
Good boy.
- Okay, everyone, that's our 90 minutes.
And as will young said in 2003, "I think I'd better leave right now.
" A lot of you have done really well today, and if we keep up this standard, in a few weeks I can see meself letting some of you bring your dogs.
It's been said your teaching methods are somewhat unorthodox.
I've been called a Maverick, and I'll be honest with you, it's not a title I shy away from.
Legend has it during an obedience class in 2001 you made a woman eat a tin of dog food for arriving 10 minutes late.
Is that what people are saying? Is it true? Yes.
You can't train the dog unless you've trained the owner.
Fact.
Is it also true she tried to sue you for actual bodily harm? Yes, she did try to sue.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
But that rather unfortunate episode is behind me now.
In the words of the king of pop Michael Jackson, "she's out of my life.
" And how about your new dog, moo, how's he coming along? She, it's a girl actually.
Bit of a break from tradition, yeah.
After 10 years of competing with mr tibbs, I suddenly thought, "come on, moo, you can't knock what you've never tried," and next thing I know I've entered a bitch.
Actually, could you cut that last bit out? Oh, I don't believe it! I think me keys have dropped out of me pocket again.
I'm going to have to go back.
Will she be okay? It looks quite stuffy in there.
No, no, she'll be fine.
The trick is to keep the window open about half an inch, that's all they need.
Yeah.
She must have closed it.
Won't be two ticks.
Sorry I'm late, mr Hicks, but I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live yoghurt.
Well, I could only find a milller crunch corner, so you can imagine the chafing I've had all morning.
So, mr Hicks, I'll just mr Hicks? Mr Hicks? Not here.
Oh, my God, truffles! Oh, my God, that's better than sex.
Well, almost.
Oh, God alive.
So basically, ask yourself three questions: Are you stressed out at work? Do you feel undervalued? Do you want to change the pattern of failure in your life and enjoy the sweet smell of success? Okay, don't think about this, just do it.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable, or even better, lie down if you can.
Okay.
Are you feeling comfortable? Hang on.
First of all, 1 need you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.
In and out.
In and out.
You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy.
Now repeat after me.
My name is and say your name.
My name is and say your name.
I'm a strong, independent woman and 1 will soon be smelling the sweet scent of success.
I'm a strong, independent woman and I will soon be smelling the sweet scent of success.
My days of feeling undervalued are over.
My days of feeling undervalued are over.
From now on, I'm going to fulfill my potential and walk the walk and talk the talk.
Here we are, mr Hicks.
Bernie! Bernie, wake up! - Oh, my God.
- What on earth is going on? You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy.
What are you doing in a patient's bed? Come on, explain yourself.
I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will soon be sucking independent sweets.
I beg your pardon? My days of feeling overvalued are under.
Bernie, either you start making sense immediately or you will be out of this hospital so fast your feet won't touch the ground.
From now on I'm going to feel potentially full with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie.
Right, that's it! My office, now.
I'm sorry, sister, I don't know what came over me.
I've heard enough, just move yourself! I'm sorry, mr Hicks, we'll soon get you settled.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, that's not a live yoghurt, is it? Get out! I'm sorry, I could have sworn I booked it last week.
It's not a problem, this will be fine.
What is it? Burgers? - Hi, guys! - Oh, hello.
Can we Welcome to bbj's.
I'm your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my friends call me zebedee.
I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in uranus.
Careful! I'll do the jokes.
Any birthdays or anniversaries today for yourselves? Look, we'd just like to eat, thank you.
Do you know what you want? All birthday cocktails are half price until 7:00, except a poke in the eye and the screaming fadge, which are three for two until 6:30.
Thank you, but we just want to eat something quick.
I've also been asked to point out to our more generously proportioned customers that when we say the Hawaiian buffet is all you can eat, that is in fact an offer, not a challenge.
Can we just order, please? Thank you, sir, there's no need to take it out on your server.
Right.
I'd like a plain Jane burger, please.
Any freaky fries with that today for yourself? It says it comes with freaky fries.
Yes, I know, but would you like them? - Yes.
- Right, and I'd like a Table four getting freaky with her fries! And I'll have the oops upside your head burger Oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head Sorry, do you Do you mind Sorry, do you mind keeping it down, 'cause I'm Sorry, was I doing that out loud? God.
I did my salsa class last night.
- I just can't get the music out of my head.
- Can you not? - Never thought of myself as a dancer.
- Hmm.
But turns out I'm rather good.
Great.
Tonay says.
- Who? - Tonay.
My instructor.
Tony? Yeah, but he's from Rio.
Oh, right.
- He's always praising me.
- Look, I've really got to get this finished.
Yeah.
He said I moved like a gazelle.
Did he? He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.
He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.
Did he? He's been really complimentary about everything, actually.
Guess how old he thought I was? How old did tonay think I looked? Well, I really wouldn't like to say.
Why not? Have a guess! I have no idea.
Well, that's the point of guessing! Come on! - Please don't make me do this.
- It's just a bit of fun, have a guess! - But I don't want to.
- It doesn't matter, just guess.
- Well - Come on.
How old did he say I was? - I can't think.
- Yes, you can, just guess! 161716? - 20.
- He's not blind! - 2 s.
- Right, have you ever looked at me? What? 48? 48? Vanessa Feltz is 43! - 37? - Right, do you think I look 37? - No.
- No, neither does tonay.
- 28? - Older than that.
- 35? - Not that old.
- 33? - I don't think so.
- 31? - Right, forget it.
- 29? - 30! He thought I looked 30.
Wow.
That is flattering.
Yes, it is.
- I used to tap.
- Right, do you ever stop talking? Champion dog trainer moo Shepherd has now been preparing her new protege for seven weeks.
It's not looking good.
So far moo has only managed to stop lady Penelope urinating on her clothes.
Apart from this, despite being sure she had a future champion on her hands, they have achieved absolutely nothing.
And with the Birmingham obedience championships only one week away, it looks like moo's reputation of being able to train any dog to do anything is very much on the line.
I don't understand it, we can't even get past the basics.
I can honestly say I have never known a dog like it.
Desperate situations call for desperate measures.
Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but at this stage we've got nothing to lose, so Lady Penelope is wearing a collar that, when I press this remote, gives off a small electric charge.
Now, it's nothing to worry about, it's completely harmless, it's just guaranteed to give an unruly canine a nudge in the right direction.
Now, watch this.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Now, with the gentle electronic pulse.
Lady Penelope, sit.
- Is she okay? - Who? Lady Penelope.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, she's had a busy day.
She's just having a lie-down.
Actually, shall we shall we, urn, shall we turn that off now, shall we? - Morning, nev.
- Morning, Irene.
What did I say, vern? As soon as something happens, you can guarantee 10 minutes later, Neville arrives.
Double cheese? - Yes, please.
- Double cheese for Neville.
- So what happened then, vern? - Oh, it's been non-stop.
You'll never believe who was here about an hour ago.
Go on.
Vernon, what's the name of that man with the calor gas bottle? Black fella, always on the telly laughing.
- Always on the telly laughing? Urn - Oh.
Desmond tutu! What, the bishop? Yeah.
Calor gas bottle had gone in his caravan and he was trying to find a halfords.
Well, he's not going to change a calor gas bottle at halfords, he wants a homebase.
Well, that's what vern said.
So where's he got a caravan? Well, that's it, he hasn't.
He's done one of these holiday swaps with the archbishop of canterbury.
- Has he? - Well, he's absolutely livid.
Archbishop of canterbury is sunning himself on a so-acre South African farmhouse while Des arrives to find he's swapped for a two-berth caravan on Canvey island with no heating.
Did he not think to ask what he was swapping for? Well, obviously not, judging by his language.
I said to vern, they'll be taking that nobel peace prize off him when they hear where he's going to stick that calor gas bottle.
Any sauce? No, this is smashing.
Right, see you tomorrow.
All right, Neville, take care.
Kate mommaâ? Come through.
Here we are.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, have a look who it is! Hello, sweetheart.
You're Lesley Jackson's granddaughter, ain't you, yeah? I used to go to school with your grandmother.
Oh, isn't it lovely to see you? I haven't seen you since you were that big.
Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well.
She's had her hip done again, ain't she? Will you give her my regards? Tell her I've missed seeing her about.
It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart.
Give me regards to your grandmother.
Oh, be lucky, darling.
- Who's that? - God knows.
There you are, look, what did I tell you? It's packed out.
It's not that bad.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with half these people, have a look.
Come on, nan.
And look at this one in a running suit! Years ago you had to be spewing up your guts to see a doctor, and now they turn up in running suits.
- Oh, they've got a cheek.
- Nan, come on.
- Have you got an appointment? - Eh? - Do you have an appointment? - No, dear, I'm here to see dr Bailey.
Is it an emergency? - Who is it? - Is it an emergency? What's she talking about? - What is it that's wrong with you? - What's it got to do with you? What is it that's wrong with her? Oi, oi, oi, I'll thank you to talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey.
If it's not an emergency, you won't see a doctor today.
The next appointment is Thursday at 10:00.
We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said Excuse me, I'm talking.
Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is what? - Yes, it is an emergency.
- What is it that's wrong with you? - Me head's hanging off! We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said we could see a doctor if we came in before 11.
"Is it an emergency?" She says.
I ain't never seen a room full of such healthy-looking people.
- What name is it? - Mrs Taylor.
- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Oh, well, only if you're sure.
I mean, I don't want to be pushing in front of daley Thompson here.
Come on, sit down, I'll get you a magazine.
Keith Merryweather? Keith Merryweather? Keith Merryweather? Keith Keith Merryweather! Come on, let's be having you, next cab off the rank! We're not all here for a free day out.
I'm really sorry, but would you mind keeping the noise down? I suffer from migraines.
- You do what, darling? - I'm really sorry, but I have terrible migraines.
Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart.
I feel terrible for you, truly I do.
I've had them for years, but they've just really started No, no, my darling, don't feel you've got to explain anything to me.
I feel dreadful, really I do.
I wish there was something I could do to help you.
Would you like a mint? No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks.
I just need to see the doctor.
- Julie hedges? - Oh, that's me.
Is that you, darling? Go on then, go and see the doctor, sweetheart, he'll sort you out.
Oh.
Oh.
What a fucking liberty! She's got headache! The woman's sat in a doctor's surgery 'cause she's got headache! - Oh, they want shooting, they really do.
- Nan.
Excuse me, would you mind being quiet? You're upsetting the other patients.
Oh, take a fucking chill pill, you! Come on, you, I've had enough of all this.
Mrs Taylor? Oh, have you found a window in your diary? Well, it's too late now, love.
It's-too-fucking-late.
Co.
Uk! Emergencies only? What a load of old shit! I went to pizza express for lunch.
Four seasons.
No onions, no anchovies, mixed salad and a diet coke.
Yeah.
It's the day of the Birmingham six-part dog obedience championships and moo Shepherd is with lady Penelope.
No progress has been made, and against all the advice of friends and family, moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog trainers, is risking professional suicide.
Please welcome into the arena our penultimate finalist, Robert Freeman and Sinatra.
So, despite no improvement in lady Penelope's abilities, you're going ahead? Yes.
As last year's winner I get an automatic place in the final, so I'd be a fool to waste it.
Of course, last year you had mr tibbs.
Tell us about him.
Mr tibbs, he was a one-off.
He was to training and obedience what Patrick Swayze was to the power ballad, sublime.
There were times when 1 wondered if I'd known mr tibbs in a previous life.
I'm a strong believer in reincarnation and there were some uncanny similarities between him and my late father.
The smell, mainly, but also an uncanny ability to carry an egg between his teeth without breaking it.
But more than that, it was a look in his eyes, a look that said, 'don't worry kid, I'll always be here for you.
â but now, with lady Penelope, aren't you worried that you're going to lose your crown? Moo Shepherd does not understand the concept of losing.
Whatever you might think, this dog is a champion and I'm about to prove it.
"Announcer".
Please welcome into the arena our last competitor, moo Shepherd with lady Penelope.
Right, here we go.
Well, we came to do our best, and that's exactly what we did.
How did she do? She was rubbish, absolutely shocking.
Basically ignored me all the way through the six categories.
You don't seem very bothered by that, moo.
No, and I'm not.
And I'll tell you for why.
This dog has taught me the greatest lesson I'm ever likely to learn.
Enjoy life! I told her to sit, she ran around.
I asked her to fetch, she peed on a judge.
This dog has the personality to do the one thing wham! The greatest pop duo of all time, told us to do way back in 1984, choose life! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 16.
248 249 250 251 42.
252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431
We were beginning to think you didn't want your brioche.
Thomas, Chloe, mummy has something to tell you.
What is it, dear heart? Tell all.
Alice can't come to work today, so mummy's had to arrange For an agency nanny to come round.
Mummy, no! We must all be very brave.
I don't feel very well.
Be strong, my darlings, because there's something else you should know.
Something much worse.
This person the agency are sending us, she's from the north.
Newcastle, I'm told, but could be as far as sunder-land.
I'm sorry.
Hiya, I'm Gina from the agency.
Are you mrs Montgomery? Hey, I tell you what, I thought I was going to be late, the traffic was that bad.
Never mind, here I am, on time, so no worries there.
You've got a lovely place, mrs m.
You don't mind if I call you mrs m, do you? Only mrs Montgomery's a bit of a gobful.
Hiya.
What do you call youse then? I can see I'm gonna have me hand full with you pair of tykes, aren't I? Mummy, mummy, what's she saying? I don't know, Chloe, but she sounds awfully angry, so don't provoke her in any way.
Avoid looking her in the eyes.
Is she going to kill us? Shh, shh, Thomas, mummy won't let anything happen to you.
Right, I'll start with the breakfast things, but first, why don't I make us all a nice milky brew? And who fancies a couple of biccies as well, eh? Run for your lives children, we're all going to die! Is that air freshener I can smell? Yeah, it's supposed to be vanilla.
It's very overpowering.
I can put it in the glove compartment if it's bothering you.
Would you mind? Sorry, do you mind if we don't have the radio on? Sure, no problem.
I've just got a bit of a headache.
Look at that.
Do you mind winding up your window? Yeah, sure.
Disgusting! It's very cold in here.
Could you put your heating on? - I got a new top for tonight.
- Is it? - I got a well good price for it.
- Did ya? - It was 15.
99, right? - Yeah? - But I didn't pay that.
- Did you haggle, though? You should have seen me, though.
This is me, right.
"How much is that top?" And this is her, right.
"1599.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"So what we really saying?" And this is her, right.
"£15.
99.
" And this is me, right.
"I don't think so.
" And this is her, right.
"What d'you mean?" And this is me, right.
"It's got a button missing.
" - What did you pay for it, mate? - £15.
- That is well good.
- Innit, though? - I'm gonna wear it for the gig tonight.
- What gig, mate? - Me and Ryan are going to a gig tonight.
- Is it? I'm gonna look well hip-hop.
Awright? Awright.
- I'm well worked out.
- Did you win? I smashed him in the second with my dambuster.
Is it? Do you want some of my snickers bar? This gig's gonna be well all right.
I can't wait to see naughty.
- Who, mate? Naughty rascal.
- "Naughty rascal"? - He's a well big shout-out.
It's dizzee rascal.
- What? - It's dizzee rascal, mate! Naughty rascal! That is well bad.
Am I bothered? - Can you believe that? - Am I bothered, though? - Take the shame.
- No, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- Take the shame, though.
- I ain't even bothered, though.
- You've well embarrassed yourself.
- Do I look bothered? - You're an embarrassment, though.
- Do I look bothered, though? - You're well shameful.
- I don't care, 'cause I ain't bothered.
- You brought shame on your family.
- I don't care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But you've shamed them, though.
- I don't even care, 'cause I don't even like them.
- But they're your parents, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Yes, they are, though.
- No, they ain't, though.
- Well why do you live with them then? - Are you disrespecting my family? - Are you disrespecting my family, though? - No, I ain't, though.
- You're disrespecting my family.
- I'm just saying.
- Are you calling my mum a prostitute? - No, I'm just Are you calling my dad an alcoholic? - But you said naughty rascal, mate.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- But it's dizzee, though.
- But I ain't even bothered, though.
- Yeah, but - Do I look bothered? - Yeah, but - Is my face bothered? Is my face bothered? - Well - But is it bothered, though? Do I look bothered? You think I'm bothered? Ask me if I'm bothered.
Ask me if I'm bothered.
- Ask me if I'm bothered! - Are you bothered? - No, I ain't even bothered.
- But you said Face.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- Look.
Face.
Bothered.
- Yes, but why Naughty.
Face.
Bastard.
What? Face.
Bothered.
I ain't bothered! - Have you got your autograph book? - Why? Naughty rascal's right behind you, mate.
Female interviewer'.
Moo Shepherd is 36 and lives in Studleyjust outside Birmingham.
She's been a professional dog trainer for more than 10 years.
Last year, after winning the Midlands six-part obedience championship, known locally as the Birmingham six, her dog and lifelong companion, mr tibbs, died peacefully in his sleep.
Now moo has only eight weeks to train her new dog and retain her title of dog obedience champion for the seventh year running.
So it's just a gentle trot and stay close.
- Stay close.
- Stay close.
Stay close.
Come on, I can't hear you.
- Stay close.
Stay close.
- What about the praise? Don't forget the praise, you'll get nowhere without the praise.
- Good boy.
Good boy.
- Okay, everyone, that's our 90 minutes.
And as will young said in 2003, "I think I'd better leave right now.
" A lot of you have done really well today, and if we keep up this standard, in a few weeks I can see meself letting some of you bring your dogs.
It's been said your teaching methods are somewhat unorthodox.
I've been called a Maverick, and I'll be honest with you, it's not a title I shy away from.
Legend has it during an obedience class in 2001 you made a woman eat a tin of dog food for arriving 10 minutes late.
Is that what people are saying? Is it true? Yes.
You can't train the dog unless you've trained the owner.
Fact.
Is it also true she tried to sue you for actual bodily harm? Yes, she did try to sue.
Unsuccessfully, I might add.
But that rather unfortunate episode is behind me now.
In the words of the king of pop Michael Jackson, "she's out of my life.
" And how about your new dog, moo, how's he coming along? She, it's a girl actually.
Bit of a break from tradition, yeah.
After 10 years of competing with mr tibbs, I suddenly thought, "come on, moo, you can't knock what you've never tried," and next thing I know I've entered a bitch.
Actually, could you cut that last bit out? Oh, I don't believe it! I think me keys have dropped out of me pocket again.
I'm going to have to go back.
Will she be okay? It looks quite stuffy in there.
No, no, she'll be fine.
The trick is to keep the window open about half an inch, that's all they need.
Yeah.
She must have closed it.
Won't be two ticks.
Sorry I'm late, mr Hicks, but I've got a bit of a personal problem for which I was told to apply live yoghurt.
Well, I could only find a milller crunch corner, so you can imagine the chafing I've had all morning.
So, mr Hicks, I'll just mr Hicks? Mr Hicks? Not here.
Oh, my God, truffles! Oh, my God, that's better than sex.
Well, almost.
Oh, God alive.
So basically, ask yourself three questions: Are you stressed out at work? Do you feel undervalued? Do you want to change the pattern of failure in your life and enjoy the sweet smell of success? Okay, don't think about this, just do it.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable, or even better, lie down if you can.
Okay.
Are you feeling comfortable? Hang on.
First of all, 1 need you to close your eyes and take a deep breath.
In and out.
In and out.
You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy.
Now repeat after me.
My name is and say your name.
My name is and say your name.
I'm a strong, independent woman and 1 will soon be smelling the sweet scent of success.
I'm a strong, independent woman and I will soon be smelling the sweet scent of success.
My days of feeling undervalued are over.
My days of feeling undervalued are over.
From now on, I'm going to fulfill my potential and walk the walk and talk the talk.
Here we are, mr Hicks.
Bernie! Bernie, wake up! - Oh, my God.
- What on earth is going on? You're feeling sleepy, very sleepy.
What are you doing in a patient's bed? Come on, explain yourself.
I'm a strong-smelling woman and I will soon be sucking independent sweets.
I beg your pardon? My days of feeling overvalued are under.
Bernie, either you start making sense immediately or you will be out of this hospital so fast your feet won't touch the ground.
From now on I'm going to feel potentially full with a talkie-walkie and a walkie-talkie.
Right, that's it! My office, now.
I'm sorry, sister, I don't know what came over me.
I've heard enough, just move yourself! I'm sorry, mr Hicks, we'll soon get you settled.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, that's not a live yoghurt, is it? Get out! I'm sorry, I could have sworn I booked it last week.
It's not a problem, this will be fine.
What is it? Burgers? - Hi, guys! - Oh, hello.
Can we Welcome to bbj's.
I'm your waitress for today.
My name's Amanda, but my friends call me zebedee.
I'm a fiery taurean with my moon in uranus.
Careful! I'll do the jokes.
Any birthdays or anniversaries today for yourselves? Look, we'd just like to eat, thank you.
Do you know what you want? All birthday cocktails are half price until 7:00, except a poke in the eye and the screaming fadge, which are three for two until 6:30.
Thank you, but we just want to eat something quick.
I've also been asked to point out to our more generously proportioned customers that when we say the Hawaiian buffet is all you can eat, that is in fact an offer, not a challenge.
Can we just order, please? Thank you, sir, there's no need to take it out on your server.
Right.
I'd like a plain Jane burger, please.
Any freaky fries with that today for yourself? It says it comes with freaky fries.
Yes, I know, but would you like them? - Yes.
- Right, and I'd like a Table four getting freaky with her fries! And I'll have the oops upside your head burger Oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head I said oops upside your head Sorry, do you Do you mind Sorry, do you mind keeping it down, 'cause I'm Sorry, was I doing that out loud? God.
I did my salsa class last night.
- I just can't get the music out of my head.
- Can you not? - Never thought of myself as a dancer.
- Hmm.
But turns out I'm rather good.
Great.
Tonay says.
- Who? - Tonay.
My instructor.
Tony? Yeah, but he's from Rio.
Oh, right.
- He's always praising me.
- Look, I've really got to get this finished.
Yeah.
He said I moved like a gazelle.
Did he? He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.
He said I'm ready to do the workshops in Barcelona.
Did he? He's been really complimentary about everything, actually.
Guess how old he thought I was? How old did tonay think I looked? Well, I really wouldn't like to say.
Why not? Have a guess! I have no idea.
Well, that's the point of guessing! Come on! - Please don't make me do this.
- It's just a bit of fun, have a guess! - But I don't want to.
- It doesn't matter, just guess.
- Well - Come on.
How old did he say I was? - I can't think.
- Yes, you can, just guess! 161716? - 20.
- He's not blind! - 2 s.
- Right, have you ever looked at me? What? 48? 48? Vanessa Feltz is 43! - 37? - Right, do you think I look 37? - No.
- No, neither does tonay.
- 28? - Older than that.
- 35? - Not that old.
- 33? - I don't think so.
- 31? - Right, forget it.
- 29? - 30! He thought I looked 30.
Wow.
That is flattering.
Yes, it is.
- I used to tap.
- Right, do you ever stop talking? Champion dog trainer moo Shepherd has now been preparing her new protege for seven weeks.
It's not looking good.
So far moo has only managed to stop lady Penelope urinating on her clothes.
Apart from this, despite being sure she had a future champion on her hands, they have achieved absolutely nothing.
And with the Birmingham obedience championships only one week away, it looks like moo's reputation of being able to train any dog to do anything is very much on the line.
I don't understand it, we can't even get past the basics.
I can honestly say I have never known a dog like it.
Desperate situations call for desperate measures.
Now, I've never been a big fan of these, but at this stage we've got nothing to lose, so Lady Penelope is wearing a collar that, when I press this remote, gives off a small electric charge.
Now, it's nothing to worry about, it's completely harmless, it's just guaranteed to give an unruly canine a nudge in the right direction.
Now, watch this.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Lady Penelope, sit.
Now, with the gentle electronic pulse.
Lady Penelope, sit.
- Is she okay? - Who? Lady Penelope.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, she's had a busy day.
She's just having a lie-down.
Actually, shall we shall we, urn, shall we turn that off now, shall we? - Morning, nev.
- Morning, Irene.
What did I say, vern? As soon as something happens, you can guarantee 10 minutes later, Neville arrives.
Double cheese? - Yes, please.
- Double cheese for Neville.
- So what happened then, vern? - Oh, it's been non-stop.
You'll never believe who was here about an hour ago.
Go on.
Vernon, what's the name of that man with the calor gas bottle? Black fella, always on the telly laughing.
- Always on the telly laughing? Urn - Oh.
Desmond tutu! What, the bishop? Yeah.
Calor gas bottle had gone in his caravan and he was trying to find a halfords.
Well, he's not going to change a calor gas bottle at halfords, he wants a homebase.
Well, that's what vern said.
So where's he got a caravan? Well, that's it, he hasn't.
He's done one of these holiday swaps with the archbishop of canterbury.
- Has he? - Well, he's absolutely livid.
Archbishop of canterbury is sunning himself on a so-acre South African farmhouse while Des arrives to find he's swapped for a two-berth caravan on Canvey island with no heating.
Did he not think to ask what he was swapping for? Well, obviously not, judging by his language.
I said to vern, they'll be taking that nobel peace prize off him when they hear where he's going to stick that calor gas bottle.
Any sauce? No, this is smashing.
Right, see you tomorrow.
All right, Neville, take care.
Kate mommaâ? Come through.
Here we are.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, have a look who it is! Hello, sweetheart.
You're Lesley Jackson's granddaughter, ain't you, yeah? I used to go to school with your grandmother.
Oh, isn't it lovely to see you? I haven't seen you since you were that big.
Oh, I've heard your grandmother ain't too well.
She's had her hip done again, ain't she? Will you give her my regards? Tell her I've missed seeing her about.
It's beautiful to see you, sweetheart.
Give me regards to your grandmother.
Oh, be lucky, darling.
- Who's that? - God knows.
There you are, look, what did I tell you? It's packed out.
It's not that bad.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with half these people, have a look.
Come on, nan.
And look at this one in a running suit! Years ago you had to be spewing up your guts to see a doctor, and now they turn up in running suits.
- Oh, they've got a cheek.
- Nan, come on.
- Have you got an appointment? - Eh? - Do you have an appointment? - No, dear, I'm here to see dr Bailey.
Is it an emergency? - Who is it? - Is it an emergency? What's she talking about? - What is it that's wrong with you? - What's it got to do with you? What is it that's wrong with her? Oi, oi, oi, I'll thank you to talk to the organ grinder, not the monkey.
If it's not an emergency, you won't see a doctor today.
The next appointment is Thursday at 10:00.
We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said Excuse me, I'm talking.
Yes, it is.
- Yes, it is what? - Yes, it is an emergency.
- What is it that's wrong with you? - Me head's hanging off! We rang this morning and the lady we spoke to said we could see a doctor if we came in before 11.
"Is it an emergency?" She says.
I ain't never seen a room full of such healthy-looking people.
- What name is it? - Mrs Taylor.
- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Oh, well, only if you're sure.
I mean, I don't want to be pushing in front of daley Thompson here.
Come on, sit down, I'll get you a magazine.
Keith Merryweather? Keith Merryweather? Keith Merryweather? Keith Keith Merryweather! Come on, let's be having you, next cab off the rank! We're not all here for a free day out.
I'm really sorry, but would you mind keeping the noise down? I suffer from migraines.
- You do what, darling? - I'm really sorry, but I have terrible migraines.
Oh, I am sorry, sweetheart.
I feel terrible for you, truly I do.
I've had them for years, but they've just really started No, no, my darling, don't feel you've got to explain anything to me.
I feel dreadful, really I do.
I wish there was something I could do to help you.
Would you like a mint? No, honestly, I'll be fine, thanks.
I just need to see the doctor.
- Julie hedges? - Oh, that's me.
Is that you, darling? Go on then, go and see the doctor, sweetheart, he'll sort you out.
Oh.
Oh.
What a fucking liberty! She's got headache! The woman's sat in a doctor's surgery 'cause she's got headache! - Oh, they want shooting, they really do.
- Nan.
Excuse me, would you mind being quiet? You're upsetting the other patients.
Oh, take a fucking chill pill, you! Come on, you, I've had enough of all this.
Mrs Taylor? Oh, have you found a window in your diary? Well, it's too late now, love.
It's-too-fucking-late.
Co.
Uk! Emergencies only? What a load of old shit! I went to pizza express for lunch.
Four seasons.
No onions, no anchovies, mixed salad and a diet coke.
Yeah.
It's the day of the Birmingham six-part dog obedience championships and moo Shepherd is with lady Penelope.
No progress has been made, and against all the advice of friends and family, moo, as one of Birmingham's leading dog trainers, is risking professional suicide.
Please welcome into the arena our penultimate finalist, Robert Freeman and Sinatra.
So, despite no improvement in lady Penelope's abilities, you're going ahead? Yes.
As last year's winner I get an automatic place in the final, so I'd be a fool to waste it.
Of course, last year you had mr tibbs.
Tell us about him.
Mr tibbs, he was a one-off.
He was to training and obedience what Patrick Swayze was to the power ballad, sublime.
There were times when 1 wondered if I'd known mr tibbs in a previous life.
I'm a strong believer in reincarnation and there were some uncanny similarities between him and my late father.
The smell, mainly, but also an uncanny ability to carry an egg between his teeth without breaking it.
But more than that, it was a look in his eyes, a look that said, 'don't worry kid, I'll always be here for you.
â but now, with lady Penelope, aren't you worried that you're going to lose your crown? Moo Shepherd does not understand the concept of losing.
Whatever you might think, this dog is a champion and I'm about to prove it.
"Announcer".
Please welcome into the arena our last competitor, moo Shepherd with lady Penelope.
Right, here we go.
Well, we came to do our best, and that's exactly what we did.
How did she do? She was rubbish, absolutely shocking.
Basically ignored me all the way through the six categories.
You don't seem very bothered by that, moo.
No, and I'm not.
And I'll tell you for why.
This dog has taught me the greatest lesson I'm ever likely to learn.
Enjoy life! I told her to sit, she ran around.
I asked her to fetch, she peed on a judge.
This dog has the personality to do the one thing wham! The greatest pop duo of all time, told us to do way back in 1984, choose life! 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 16.
248 249 250 251 42.
252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410 411 412 413 414 415 416 417 418 419 420 421 422 423 424 425 426 427 428 429 430 431