The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e02 Episode Script

[instrumental music]
Good evening, ladies.
Would you like to try
Cleveland's own Buzz Beer?
See what we've done
is combined your two
favorite beverages
beer and coffee.
Now you can stay up
and get drunk all over again.
Hey, did you guys
really make this yourself?
Yeah, we brewed it
in Drew's garage.
Oh, it's great and I like
the way you put the worm in.
Just like tequila.
Yeah. Here you get a free one.
Oh?
We got a big problem.
We screwed up.
What?
Tim doesn't want two
cases in 60 days.
He wants 60 cases in two days.
We can't
bottle 60 cases that fast.
I don't think we could
even drink 60 cases that fast.
Oh, yeah? Remember DWI Fridays.
[laughing]
Wait a minute.
We got to keep this from Drew.
And from now on we're gonna
start writing this stuff down.
Make a note of that.
- Ah! I'll remember it.
- Okay.
Okay, everybody shut up.
Tim. Tim.
Hey, did I get any phone calls?
Okay, listen, I'm expecting
a very important call.
I'll be talking to you at
the bar for the next few seconds
then I'll be walking over
to that table over there.
I'm not familiar with
your numbering system
but let's call it table five.
Uh, four.
Okay, five.
Drew, calm down.
I'm okay.
[phone ringing]
Get away from that.
Don't touch it.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
This is Drew Carey.
This is Oswald,
I'm calling to say
you're making a real
jackass out of yourself.
Hey! You're tying up
both the lines.
I'm waiting to
hear about the job interview.
I think they decided
right after you gave them
a bar as a home number.
I'm on call forwarding, okay?
I was goin' nuts
sittin' around the house.
I didn't know you
were looking for another job.
That means you'll have two jobs.
Wow! You could
co-sign for a lot of stuff.
Look, I don't want two jobs.
I just want one good job.
But there's no guarantee
that Winfred-Lauder's
gonna promote
me to store manager.
So, I'm covering all my bases.
I applied
atSaks Fifth Avenue.
(all)
Ooh!
Mister Snooty Pants.
Mister No Shoes
No Shirt No Service.
Drew, do you really
want to work there?
With all those rich people and
their big cars and their suntans
throwing away
money like there's no tomorrow.
Take me to heaven,
big boy. I wanna go with.
Oh, God.
I don't have the job yet.
I don't know why I'm getting
my hopes up. Give me that.
(Oswald)
Uh, Drew,
you don't want to drink that.
That's a bottle with a w..
Leave him be.
He's got enough on his mind.
Maybe I just have to learn to
accept my place in the universe.
I'm the guy
who always gets screwed.
(Lewis)
'No.'
What?
Great! Now I got worms.
Come on, Drew, a lot of good
things have happened to you.
Hey, remember that movie
"It's A Wonderful Life"
with Jimmy Stewart?
Yeah.
(Lewis)
Well?
You got to see that.
Yeah and your girlfriend's
gonna be moving in with you
which allowed
your friend Lewis to win
"The no way in hell"
pool at the bar here.
Telephone call for Mr. Carey.
[whispering]
It's Saks Fifth Avenue.
Is this it?
Is this my big chance?
Do I finally get to
take off the bridesmaid dress
and put on the bridal gown?
Yeah and the three of us can
carry you over the threshold.
'Cause you're so fat.
[all laughing]
Hello?
Yeah, this is Drew.
Uh, I did. Uh-huh.
Oh, I'll be down there
first thing in the morning!
No, no, sir.
Thankyouvery much.
Drew, you got the job?
No, I left
my briefcase over there
butthey're
gonna keep me on file.
How many guys
do they say that to?
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin' ♪
So don't loose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[phone ringing]
Luck, be a lady tonight.
Hello, Drew Carey,
assistant personnel director.
May I help you? No.
We don't
have a new store manager.
Let me put you on hold, I'll get
you the acting store manager.
Acting store manager,
can I help you?
What do you
mean that last guy was rude?
Do you mean, rude like
cursing or rude like this?
Hey, baby.
Still handling both jobs?
- Yeah.
- Aw.
It's not great for you,
but it's good for me.
I'm sleeping my way
to the top with just one guy.
Oh, yeah. Hey, let's
not try that again, okay?
My back went out
and I'm still finding jello.
[laughs]
Here's the file you wanted,
temporary store manager
and permanent pig.
You know, Mimi,
the opposite of love isn't hate.
It's disinterest.
Get out of my face, twiggy.
What's the matter?
You got a thorn in your paw?
Come here.
I'm on break. Bite me!
No. As your acting boss
I'd like you
to take some dictation.
Fine. Just keep
your hands to yourself.
I'm not one ofthosesecretaries
and I got pepper spray.
Good, if I feel
the urge to grab you
I'll spray some into my eyes.
For all department heads.
Antidisestablishmentarianism
supercalifragilisticexpialidoci
ous.
And regarding
our sales in Uganda
[clicking tongue]
Just like it sounds. Got it?
- Aah!
- Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
All I got was an F and a U.
You know, I was
gonna say something nice
and now I'm not so sure.
What?
Well, I have to
admit that you haven't
totally sucked
running this dump.
And if those Dutch
jerks that bought the store
had half a brain,
they'd make you the manager.
- Damn right!
- 'Cause you could do this job.
- Yeah.
- You deserve this job.
- Yeah!
- But you didn't get this job.
They hired
some guy from England.
He's on his way up.
[laughs]
What? Oh, no!
[laughs]
I got a new Christmas card.
Oh, hey, Kate
I saw your boyfriend
at the free clinic.
- What?
- Ha ha.
- Freak out!
- Drew?
I can't believe that I got
passed over
for the manager's job.
Boy, that makes me mad.
What do you say we go down
to cosmetics department
and smash a whole bottle
of really expensive perfume?
I don't think that's going
to accomplish anything, Kate.
Huh. It already happened.
Please don't fire me.
It was an accident.
Can you believe that he
gave it to an English guy?
Ooh, look at me.
I'm an English fancy pants.
The way they come
over here and steal our jobs.
Those chunnel-digging,
giant rock counter-building
mad cow-breeding
room temperature
beer-drinking stone heads.
Wouldn't you
look like a big idiot
if I was standing
right behind you?
Only if I turned around.
Which I will not do.
May I have
everyone's attention, please?
I would like to
introduce you all to the man we
your Dutch masters,
have chosen to run this store.
(male #1)
'Mr. Nigel Wick.'
Wick? That won't be too
hard to rhyme in the bathroom.
Welcome aboard, Wick ol' boy!
Yes, yes, thank you.
And now, some of you may have
heard that Cleveland was my last
choice for
an assignment which makes
all of this
just a little awkward.
Oh, you hadn't heard.
Well, now it's awkward.
Anyway, I'll try
not to make you
all pay for
my crushing disappointment.
Carry on, and remember
my door is always open.
Everyone return your tray tables
and seats
to their upright position
as we begin
our gradual descent tohell.
Wow! That's exactly how I
imagined their stewardesses.
[instrumental music]
Carey, we have to talk.
By the way, uh, nice, um, box.
Thank you, sir.
Next week I'm having
shredded newspapers
put on the floor
so I never have to leave.
[taps staff]
Sorry, I'm late, governor.
I was getting petrol
in me lorry.
What you looking at,
Prince of Wales?
Speaking of unbalanced, have
you seen the firm's overheads?
- They're outrageous!
- I'm not taking a cut in pay.
A little defensive,
aren't you, Carey?
- No, you are.
- Wait.
Did I forget to
mention I fully intend
to make you
assistant store manager?
You do? Oh, man! Finally. Ah..
Hey, can
I also be the store duke?
Of course, with
title comes responsibility.
- And land.
- Maybe later.
But first, you have to learn
how to make difficult decisions.
Here's a good one
you've already made.
- Ah, look, there's my name.
- That's right.
You're eliminating
all employee discounts.
- We need the savings.
- Ah! Good for me.
Besides, they shoplift anything
they really want, anyway.
Ah..
Here's another one.
You're cutting down
staff lunches to 45 minutes.
- That's brilliant.
- Oh, I guess if I can eat
two lunches in one hour,
they can eat
one lunch in 45 minutes.
I didn't
think of anything else, did I?
You certainly did.
No more free employee parking.
I wasn't quite sure
about that one
but you
fought hard and convinced me.
Boy, I'm good. And it doesn't
matter where I park 'cause, uh
my car will be out front,
and I'll be locked in the trunk.
I can't do this.
This isn't a popularity contest,
Carey. This is your job.
Yeah, I understand that, sir.
But why can't you just
put your name on the memos?
You want answers?
- Sign this.
- What's this?
It's a request form
for your new desk.
I get a new de
what's all this other stuff?
Oh, it's all your other
new cost-cutting ideas
and just
some stuff about how we're
no longer providing
milk for the day care center.
Blah, blah, blah, words, really.
So you're saying I can finally
get the promotion I've been
waiting 11 years for,
and a new desk
and all I have to
do is be is the store jerk?
You or whoever signs the memo.
They can bring
milk from home, can't they?
They bring diapers, don't they?
Well, I'll get 19 CDs
for just a penny?
And a football phone, well.
Here, distribute these memos
as soon as possible, would you?
Mimi, I think I just
made the worst decision
I ever made in my whole life.
You want
to hear something worse?
Your car just got hit.
What?
Ha ha ha.
Nine more and I got a calendar.
[instrumental music]
(Oswald)
'Lewis? You're a genius.'
- Oh! I don't know.
- No, really.
You're right up there
with Bill Nye The Science Guy.
Oh..
I thought there was
no way we'd get
all that beer bottled in time.
Hey, kiddies,
you're doing a great job.
Keep pumping out those brewskis.
Hey, you know
if I were paying a Power Ranger
fifty cents
an hour to bottle beer
he'd be working his
little blue butt off right now.
Hey, hey! That's not
how you talk to kids.
- No?
- No! Watch.
Hey, kiddies, we're
Billy and Bobby Beerbottle.
I'm sad because I'm empty.
I wish some kids
would fill us up.
Alright, show's over.
Get back to work.
[bottles clanging]
Hey, Stacy.
Okay, now.
Give this to the Warsaw and back
and remember, if you wipe out
you just bought
yourself a case, okay?
Aw! They are so cute
at that age, aren't they?
- Oh..
- Oh, my God!
(Oswald)
'Oh, Drew, you're home early.'
Oh, my God,
you have the neighborhood
kids working in my garage.
Hey, Timmy!
It's illegal to have
minors working around alcohol.
[scoffs]
Drew, they're bottling it
not drinking it.
Okay, everybody, out.
Come on, let's go.
Here's a dollar.
Don't tell your parents.
Don't tell your parents,
don't tell your parents.
Don't tell your parents,
don't tell your parents.
Don't tell
your parents, give me that, ah.
What the hell
were you guys thinking?
I know. It was,
it was stupid, it was wrong.
It was working,
but it was wrong.
We're just trying to get
kids off the street, Drew.
I mean, think of the garage as
a day care center with liquor.
We didn't have a choice.
The Warsaw
wanted 60 cases by tomorrow.
Yeah, it's all
about perception, you know.
Hey, what if we put those
kids in green velvet suits
and little pointy hats
like the Keebler Elves.
[gibberish]
Three unmarried guys in their
30s dressing up little kids
in the garage
where they make liquor.
Yeah, that'd be adorable.
Oh, where's those extra labels?
We could slap them
on these bottles
and get 'em over to the Warsaw.
Huh.
[phone beeps]
(male #2)
'Drew, it's Larry at the store.'
'I got your memos. I'm
about to use them to wipe my..'
(male #3)
'Drew, I got a memo
for ya. Kiss my..'
(female #1)
'Die, die, die..'
[beep]
'Die, die, die..'
[beep]
Trouble at work, Drew?
Nope.
Hey, I caught
a little girl trying
to steal a case of our beer.
She tried to outrun me,
but let's just say
crime doesn't pay.
[bell ringing]
You didn't hurt
her bottling hand, did you?
Hey, Drew, how funny are those
memos you sent out at work?
They're hilarious.
They're real.
- Huh. Lewis?
- Hmm?
- Get me a can opener.
- Why?
'Cause I'm about to open
me up a big can ofwhoop ass!
(Lewis and Oswald)
Whoa!
They're Wick's ideas,
I just signed them.
I don't even do
that anymore
he's got a rubberstamp
with my signature on it.
You know, this could
cause a lot of damage.
Yeah, he's,
I got a Blockbuster card
he can rent
"Bio-Dome" in my name.
So you were just
going to go along with it?
Well, call me crazy,
but I thought if I got in on
the inside, I could
change things down the road.
Let me tell you a little story
about a man who went along.
Played the game.
Toed the line. Rode the rail.
Reached for the stars.
Joined the Navy. Saw the world.
- Lewis?
- Yeah? Yeah?
I'll need a ride home.
[instrumental music]
[whistles]
Hey, what's going on here?
Are you kidding,
did you forget about that memo
you sent out
ordering morning inspections?
Oh, yeah,
my morning inspection memo.
Must have
been before the pay toilets
but after the free coffee. Ha.
Okay, uh, good. Fine.
Uh, good. Hey, see you at lunch?
No.
Thanks to you,
she's only got time tobinge.
It stinks, Carey. We're all
old enough to dress ourselves.
Your fly's open!
Yeah. I'm from New Hampshire.
Live free or die.
I'm protesting the inspection.
Glad you're not for Missouri.
The "Show Me" state.
Okay, listen, everybody, I
know we're all upset about all
the changes
and cutbacks but believe me
when the belt
tightens we all feel it.
Morning, Drew,
that's a beautiful
new desk you got there.
[indistinct chattering]
Okay, inspection's over.
Dismissed.
Carey! Come over here.
Here's the newest brainstorm.
We have a number
of employees who are reaching
the end of their
productive years
and we're about to reward
them with large pensions.
You're right, Carey.
That's insane!
I'd like 'em all fired.
But these are
some of our best employees.
Good! Good!
Be sure to tell them that.
Ha ha, I think the first one's
waiting in your box right now.
Yeah, but, Mr. Wick, I can't..
Ah, damn it.
Bert, how you doin'?
Oh, you know me, can't complain.
You've worked here
a helluva long time, Bert.
Do you ever get up in
the morning and say to yourself
"I just can't
take it another day?"
I know I say it all the time.
Hey! Why don't
we quit? Me and you?
- You go first.
- Like..
Like I'm going to quit now?
Tomorrow I'll be
vested in my pension.
Yeah, well, about
that pension of yours, Bert..
Wow! Is this real mahogany?
Put your cheek
up against it. It's so cool.
Hey! I can hear the rainforest.
Drew, why'd you
call me in here?
Oh, uh, I was wondering
about those kids of yours, Bert
they're, they're
they makin' enough
to start supporting
their old man?
Ah! That's what's
so great about my pension.
I'll never be,
a, a burden on my kids.
[sighs]
I've met you're kids, Bert.
They're ungrateful bastards.
Well, maybe the middle one,
but the rest are okay.
Yeah, well, listen, Bert,
we're cutting back everywhere
and everybody's
making sacrifices so..
give me a dollar
and call it even.
Hey! Here he is.
Happy retirement, Bert.
That's what all those crazy
question were about, Drew.
You were just
stalling me for the party.
Yeah. Ha ha ha. What'd you
think I was gonna do? Fire ya?
As a matter of fact, I got a
little something for you myself.
It's a $100,000 bar wrapper.
Hey, listen, we should take
this party out of Drew's office.
I'm sure he's very busy
with plans to invade Poland.
[Bert laughs]
Oh! I got one.
How many Drews does it take..
[indistinct whispering]
[all laughing]
Alright, it's not worth it.
[panting]
- What is it, Carey?
- Is there another exit, sir?
- What're you talking about?
- They're organizing, sir.
They're fed up
of all the new rules
and are threatening to walk out.
It's pretty
ugly out there, sir. Look.
For he's
a jolly good fellow.. ♪♪
They're lampooning you, sir.
But why are they after me
you're the one
that signed the memos?
Yeah, but management's
management to them.
One suit's
just the same as the next.
Don't ever compare
your suits to mine.
Well, I, I better go out there.
It wouldn't
look good to have a walkout
my first week in command.
No! I mean, uh, they have guns.
All Americans have guns.
The whole store is packin' heat.
Then, you go, Carey. Find out
who's behind this and fire them.
- No, sir.
- What?
I'm not firing anybody.
Not the pensioners.
Not the rabble-rousers,
nobody's getting fired.
Not the negligent,
not the incompetent.
You get your mediocre
job and you die there.
Then you get
a bone spur and you take
a year off and the company died.
That's the way we do
things in my America, pal.
I lost my point.
Inspiring speech, Carey.
But if you think for one minute
that I'm afraid to go out there
and fix things myself,
you're sadly mistaken.
Get out of my way.
Excuse me, everyone,
I know you're all very upset
about the
recent changes in policy
I'm doing
away with all the new changes.
(all)
Yay! Alright! Yeah!
Yes, the reign of
Carey The Horrible is at an end.
[cheering]
- What?
- To show you I'm not such a
bad fellow, I'll let you
choose your own punishment
for questioning my authority.
You humiliated me in
front of the whole store..
Least you could do is let me
keep the desk and the title.
No, I'm afraid
this calls for tough love.
I don't believe
in tough love, sir.
I-I believe in fun love.
Fun cupcake love.
Oh, alright,
you can keep the desk.
I happen to know that he loves
his new desk most of all, sir.
I saw him kissin' it.
Oh, yeah, I dropped
some sprinkles off my donut.
I just want you to know,
sir, that I share your disgust
with Drew's spineless
and weak-willed nature.
And just for the record
I'd have no problem with
taxation without representation.
Splendid! You have the desk.
- Thanks, Mimi.
- You're welcome.
I don't know
what you did in there
to make him change his mind
all I can is winner, loser.
Ha ha. I got a new desk. Hey!
I got a new desk. Hey!
I'm not going to forget
what you did to us, Carey.
I'm not done with you.
Yeah, well,
w-w-whatever you do
just don't let anything
happen to my new desk, okay?
I love this desk.
And if anything should happen
to this desk
like say if it went up
in flames..
it would kill me.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Mimi,
how do you like your desk?
Medium or well done?
[camera clicks]
[instrumental music]
Bars!
Beer.
- Bars!
- Beer.
- Bars!
- Beer.
Yeah, well, it's been done.
[groans]
Do they use frogs?
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
We had names
picked out and everything.
I'm the frog
formerly known as Prince.
And I'm Enrique Papato.
[laughing]
Okay, let's get
this stuff out of the..