The Eric Andre Show (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, "The Eric Andre Show"! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhh! (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Ahhhh! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhh! Ah! Ugh! Ah! Ahhhhhhhh! Unh! Ahhhhhh! Unh! Unh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Mommy, am I pretty? (BREATHING HEAVILY) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (MUMBLES) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (GROANS) So, uh Hey, what's up with Hannibal, right? It's like, (BLEEP) Huh? Hey, close your legs.
Your breath stinks.
– Am I right, people? (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) – Ugh.
: Speaking of Hannibal What? I ran into Hannibal's mom the other day, huh? Wh hold on, man.
(ZIP! WHOOSH!) (LAUGHTER) No.
No.
Seriously, man.
(DRONING ECHO) (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) Hey.
– You can park.
It's totally fine.
– It is? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Really? – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Okay, great.
Oh, thanks.
– Yeah, no problem.
– Awesome.
Hey.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
You guys can't park here.
I'm gonna have to write you up.
– Really? – Yeah.
You just told us that we could park here.
I-I just I can't.
– What? – It's in the system.
I'm gonna report you, so that will be fine for you.
(SPITS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (CHICKEN SQUAWKS) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC STOPS) Okay.
: Ladies and gentlemen, you know her from "Breaking Bad.
" Please welcome Krysten Ritter.
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) – Hey.
I'm alright.
– Hi.
How are you? – So sit here? : Yeah, sit on down.
(MUSIC STOPS) (KEYPAD BEEPING) – You know, it smells in here.
– Yeah? What's it smell like? Is it this chair? Yeah, um, let me get two tickets for Cirque du Soleil tonight.
I think the "Zumanity" show.
Yeah.
Okay.
3816 7288 1049.
(MOLES SQUEAKING) It's all right.
It's nothing.
I get them at will call? Thank you.
So, where did you, uh where (WHISTLING) You, are from Shitshinny – Shickshinny.
– and then you were a model.
I was a model.
Yes, I was discovered at the mall when I was 15 years old.
– Oh my god, the smell, dude.
– It's bad.
It's really bad.
Hey, Krysten, I can take you to a place where it doesn't smell like this.
I'm good.
Let me ask you something.
You've done television.
You've done radio.
You've done movies.
Do you have any advice any for up-n-comers trying to break into the industry or? – No.
I don't want to.
No.
No.
: Please? I'm acting as my own publicist today and she says no.
(LAUGHTER) So, Bukkake it's when, six Japanese businessmen and a one woman, love each other very much.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE STOP) (MAN COUGHS) So (MUZAK PLAYING) Ugh! Ah! Gah! Ohh! (BREATHING HEAVILY) There's ghosts everywhere! (BREATHING HEAVILY) (BUZZER) Okay, and we are back with Krysten Ritter.
(SIGHS) I think we got a clip of, uh, Krysten's new movie.
Do you want to set this up for us? Krysten's new movie? Oh, this is your new movie.
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
: Wow, quite the performance.
: Oh, my god, turn this off, Eric! Her own worst critic.
(GAGS) I'm gonna be sick.
Please.
I can't even look at this.
(APPLAUSE) It's not that bad.
: It's a great.
It's a great – Oh, my god.
It's a great film.
I have successfully avoided ever seeing that video for my 31 years on the planet, until right this second.
Thank you.
That's Krysten Ritter, everybody! Come on! Give it up for her! (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (SMOOCHES) It's time for, "Hannibal's Pretzels.
" First we have Rold Gold.
Let's try that.
That's pretty good.
This is Tiny Twist right here.
All these are pretty good.
What What is this segment? "Pretzels is the same.
" (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) All right, it's time for, "Wacky Newspaper Articles.
" (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Okay.
What do we got here? (GAGGING) Ugh.
Ugh.
My stomach is just (GAGGING) (MUZAK PLAYING) (LOUD BUZZING) Oh, these bees are heavy.
Oh, these bees are heavy.
Oh, God These bees are not securely Oh, my god! There's a bee in my suit! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Oh, it's Africanized! All right! My next guest You know him from, "Lord Of The Rings" and "Lost.
" Please give it up for Dominic Monaghan, everybody! Yeah! There he is.
Have a seat.
What, are you just gonna stand? Enough! Get comfortable.
: Yeah.
: All right, that's weird.
Cool.
You got to French-kiss Megan Fox.
I want to talk about this.
I do a lot of kissing and touching and stuff.
(APPLAUSE) Are you a big religious guy, or are you a hard-core Atheist, : Nihilist, Agnostic? – I think I'm an atheist.
Atheist? Yeah.
What do you think happens when you die? Yeah, Timothy Leary said something really cool about death, he said that – He did? – Yeah.
Yeah.
So, when we die there's between 8 and 12 minutes of brain activity when your heart stops.
So, Timothy Leary had said La la la la la la la la that, ah, he was excited to see what that : is when you die because, – La la la la la la la la when you dream, there's only something like, a minute and a half to two minutes of brain activity.
: So, 12 minutes – La la la la la la la la – could feel like this endless dream.
– La la la la la la la la So, I'm hoping that, I'll die and then I'll just, dream for infinity.
(APPLAUSE) And why weren't black people in "Lord Of The Rings"? Let's get down to it.
I have a theory about movies.
I think that we should ah, stop production for a year.
'Cause there's a lot of stuff I haven't seen, but I'm never gonna catch up on it if people keep on making new movies.
What would you watch if you had a year off? – "Lord Of The Rings.
" – You’ve not seen "Lord Of The Rings"? No.
(BURPS) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) Get on in there, Dom! That's fine.
That's fine.
Yeah, totally.
I got to write you up.
I'm sorry.
– What?! – It's like a $500 ticket.
Yeah, I-I'm sorry.
This is ridiculous.
– And I was just standing there.
– The rules are the rules, ma'am.
What?! I What is the problem? I didn't leave the car.
– I thought it was legal.
– I live off tips.
– Are you serious? – Yeah.
Can you give me, like, any money? (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, here to sing one note because that is all we could afford, R&B legend Brian McKnight.
(APPLAUSE) Ah (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (PIGEONS COOING) Come here, baby.
I'm gonna feed you good, you girls.
I love my girls.
There you go, baby.
Look how nice.