The Fast Show s02e02 Episode Script

(BOOMING VOICE) Eras! (CHEESY AMERICAN THEME TUNE) (AMERICAN ACCENT) SHE was a cop.
HE was a cop.
SHE had a cat.
HE had a dog.
And when they got together, it was For the kids of Amity High, this summer was gonna be "One Crazy Vacation"! Hey, kids, are your folks buggin' you? Well, don't worry, 'cause it's the return of Uncle Duck in "Uncle Duck II" Hello, there.
Bob Fleming here.
Welcome to a new series of "Country Matters".
On the programme today, we'll visit the gipsy fair at Tiverton, taking a cruise down the Grand Union Canal on a lovely old Victorian narrow boat and I'll be taking a look at a unique collection of old keys.
You know, that promises to be a real treat, don't it? First, here's our old friend Jed Thomas with a look at the taxidermist's art.
(DIRECTOR) Hold it right there.
Great, Bob, excellent rehearsal.
– Shall we go for one? – I don't see why not.
– You want it exactly like that? – Yeah, exactly like that.
And, as we're gonna go for one this time, carry on with Jed's piece.
– Righto.
– So stand by, and ready in three, two and (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Hello, there (COUGHS) Arse, arse, arse, arse, arse! ARSE! Was that all right, then, Nick? – Morning.
– Moving your new neighbours in.
– What are they like? – Nice couple.
Newlyweds.
– Nice to meet you! – Lovely day! – Oi, mate, 'ere, do you want a cab? – Oh, yeah, yes.
– Is this your cab? – It will be in a minute.
We're in! Lovely! – What are you doing? – I'm nicking it.
– You can't do this! – Yes, I can.
– You can't do this! – Yes, I can! I'm a little wurrrrrrrr! – What do you mean?! – A little waaay! – What are you talking about? – Tasty! – I'm a geezer! – You can't do this! – I can.
I've nicked it.
It's mine.
– I Open this door! What are you doing with my cases? – I'm nicking 'em! – No, you're not! I shall report this! Hey, what about you last week, trying to get off with Stuart? – Oh, I was smashed, OK? – Yeah, but Stuart! But then, in walked Diane with my old ex, Colin.
– Should've seen her face! – I was so embarrassed, I nearly died! Yes, that's what it was like with our Lord Jesus, wasn't it? He died in the cross for all our sins, didn't he? (DIDGERIDOO THEME MUSIC) G'day.
Welcome to "That's Amazing" with me, Carl Hooper.
What would you do if you were walking down the road one night and you met a monster? That's right, a terrifying monster.
Dick Wellington here did just that.
He came face to face with his wife.
Ha ha! Only joking, mate! So tell us about your monster dick.
I mean Sorry, mate! Tell us about your monster, Dick.
All right.
I live in Adamland in Northern Australia.
It's an area held sacred by the aborigines.
– Some people say it might be haunted.
– Shut up, mate.
Just tell us about your monster.
– Sorry.
– That's all right.
I was walking back from the pub and it was blocking my path.
I recognised it instantly.
It was a byu–ybu–gwai–gwai, an aboriginal half–spirit, half–man bird.
– Right.
Did it have huge fangs? – Yeah.
– And big claws? – Yeah.
– What colour was it, mate? – It's hard to say.
It was invisible.
Invisible? But you said it had huge fangs and claws.
– That was a guess.
– How did you know it was there? – Oh, the unearthly sound.
– A terrifying roar? No, a terrifying silence.
– You saw and heard an invisible, silent monster? – That's right, I was absolutely terrified! – I've been on medication ever since.
– How did you know it was there? – Did it leave a huge imprint? – No, it was hovering.
– Do me a favour.
– What's that? Get off my show.
– Now? – Now.
I've taken a picture.
It's spooky.
You can't see a damn thing.
I bet you can't.
Will you get off my show? Like now.
– Next week – I've a recording.
Can't hear a thing.
– Get off my show! – They exist! They're out there! Ahh! And we were in Harrods buying guavas and we saw Kevin Kline, who gave me a lovely smile .
.
which was nice.
Oh, thanks, love.
Lovely.
I'd have loved to have been an air hostess.
Such a glamorous life.
Jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea.
Roy thinks you're just waitresses.
Trolley–dollies, he calls you.
What do you call 'em, Roy? – Trolley–dollies.
– He's funny, Roy, in't he? When we got on the plane, I said to Roy, "Oh, don't they look lovely in those posh uniforms?" Do you know what Roy said? He said, "They're all caked in make–up.
" What did you say, Roy? – They're all caked in make–up.
– He's really observant – Roy.
He sees everything visually.
But my friend Gloria said that pilots marry air hostesses.
I said, "Some of them do, Gloria, but some of them are gay," which is fine.
– What did I say, Roy? – They're all poofs and lezzies.
You lying bastard, Roy! I hope you crash! In't sex brilliant? It's fantastic, innit? You know, havin' it off.
Brilliant! I've done it about a hundred times now, maybe morewith my girlfriend.
Sex – it's brilliant! Apart from clearing up all the mess afterwards.
All the wood and that.
I feel sorry for people who 'aven't had it off 'cause it's fantastic! Except, the first couple of times, I really hurt my goolies! They're all right now.
This week I are been mostly eatin' chipolatas.
Right, Toby.
Now, I've explained the basic rules to you.
It's the first of nine.
I shall serve, sogood luck.
Positions.
Right, are we ready? One–love.
Come on, ball! Come on! That's it.
Thank you.
Right.
Two.
And we're ready, here we come.
Three! Come on, Toby.
Oh, unlucky.
Four.
Come on.
Five.
Six.
Thank you.
Right, then, that's eight–love.
Game point.
Yes! Yes! Hello, darling.
Yes, I beat him.
Yeah.
OKabout 8.
30.
Right, bye.
(SITCOM THEME TUNE) Hi.
I'm just admiring your delphiniums.
It's quite a show.
Ah, well, it's all the wife's doing, really.
I just do the donkey work – mow the lawn and so forth.
My wife's just the same .
.
aren't you, darling? Got the proofs through for the new calendar.
It's pretty slick.
I think you'll be impressed.
– January: the Hong Kong offices at night.
– Cor! Magnificent shot! It's good, isn't it? The photography's very spectacular.
February: dramatic shot of the works at Coventry.
– That I like.
– March: simply the new (INAUDIBLE) – That's great.
– And April .
.
two little puppies peeping out of a pair of slippers! – Their faces! – Oh, lovely! Hello! – Doin' your lottery numbers, mate? – Mm.
– How do you pick 'em? – I choose them randomly on the computer.
– You married? – Yeah.
Did you choose your wife randomly on a computer? – No.
– The lottery's more important than your missus.
– I suppose so.
– Let's get ready to rumble.
First number.
Numero uno.
Where all numbers begin.
Gordon Banks' shirt, Moses' beard, the golden tickle! – Stick it down.
Number one.
– One? – Lovely.
What's the number of your house? – 27.
That's crap.
What about the house you were born in? – 14 Morden Road.
– Lovely.
First digit, stick it down.
We're getting there, ain't we? Now, the third number can be very tricky.
Ever been caught masturbating by a member of your family? – No.
– I have.
It's no joke, I can tell you! – What's your wife's birthday? – 22nd May.
Lovely.
First number, half it, stick it down.
– What shall I put next? – Are you messing me about? The numbers must come from you! You are the beans that'll lead to the golden goose.
Can you lend me a pound? Sheila, can I have a light and lager, please? Right, let's have a break.
Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your li–i–i–i–ife Tell you what, one day someone'll remix that and they'll ruin it.
Right, I know what the next number should be – 18.
I've got three nephews and nieces.
They're all six.
Six plus six plus six makes 18.
666 is also the number of the beast, my friend.
Old Nick, Beelzebub.
Rumoured to be tattooed on Gary Bushell's scalp.
– Want that in your life? – No.
Didn't think you did.
So last two numbers, we use your initials.
– Andy Altman's my name.
– First two numbers, stick 'em down.
Right, then, read me back the six numbers.
Oneoneoneoneoneone.
You've as much chance of them coming up as the other numbers.
(COMMENTATOR) A fairly straightforward red for Steve Davis here.
Oh, dear.
Oh, Steve will be very disappointed with that one.
He's really given his opponent a chance here.
(MUSICAL INTRO TO "SHAFT") Do you know what, right? I really love my grandma.
She's great.
When I go round her house, she's always got £5 in her purse for me, whether I want it or not.
I mean, I always do want it, but my grandma, she's great.
I don't see her these days as often as I'd like to.
I tend to go round about two days before my Giro's due just to tide me over.
But one time I went round and she'd had a fall in the bathroom and she were really hurt and I was dead upset, but she still remembered the fiver.
But I know one day, she's gonna die and I don't know what I'll do .
.
'cause my other grandma, she's dead stingy.
My name's Chris .
.
andI am an alcoholic.
(MURMURS OF SUPPORT) I have got a problem.
I admit that.
I can accept that, but I'm not gonna give in to it.
I've done a few bad things.
It started when I was 14.
The usual – cider and mild, Newcastle Brown, then whisky, gin, vodka, Special Brew.
– We've all been there.
– Then I moved onto stronger things likeum .
.
Night Nurse, Benylin.
Basically, I was drinking anything I could get my hands onand that's why I came today.
– Well done, Chris.
– Well done, Chris.
Does anyone fancy a pint? This week I are been mostly eatin' yoghurt.
(COOLJAZZ MUSICAL INTRO) Hello, and welcome to "Jazz Club", bringing you the best from the international jazz scene.
Grr–eat.
On this week's show, from Chicago, Donald Strong.
Grr–eat.
Donald has played trumpet with the Drummond–White Band, Cutie Phipps, McCall and Bibbley, Late Riser and Prolapse.
Grr–eat.
But tonight he's with his own band – The Donald Strong Jazz Tendency.
Their first number is an old friend – the jazz standard "In a Turquoise Mood".
Nice.
For a challenging exercise, try tapping along with the brass's offbeat patterns.
Grr–eat.
"In a Turquoise Mood".
(UPBEAT WELL–PLAYED JAZZ) (MISHMASH OF SOUNDS) (TUNELESS JAZZ) Johnny! Hello, there! Johnny Ludlow! (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY).
.
terrible flatulence.
(RAMBLES DRUNKENLY) Do you see? (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) The whole thing was made completely out of rubber! (BURBLES ON INDECIPHERABLY) In fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language.
(RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) .
.
a rather striking moustache.
(RAMBLES ON) I said, wow, you see? (RAMBLES ON) You know you can actually drive one of those cars on three wheels! (RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) I'm afraid I was very drunk.
That was jolly lovely! Mia makeros hey ce soir ton Channel 9 – light enterpertainment e varietus maximus! Republicca presente "Big Show", con Colotus F.
Bologna! Bono estente! Willkommen, buenos dias, bonsoir! How do you do? Hey! Io misto ettiko BI–I–I–IG SHO–O–O–OW! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Prima! Prima! Clio suburu astra fiesta mondeo golf.
Sierra Qui esta "Big Show" bastrados? "Kristov Vasectomi!" (MUSIC AND CHEERING) Spendide! Splendido! – Endelos svi! Yassus – (LAUGHTER) Yanga, yanga, mitsa bea! Bushti, bushti! Seximo swiv! Ho ho ho ho ho! Hey, Donaldo, mi presentarios ton "Big Show"! Nicht yetzt! Nicht yetzt? Nicht yetzt? Mia fantanco tan cumo cantatos! Mia yaro haro ya so sulshi! Bushti, bushti, splat! – Ho, ho, ho! – Oh, Donaldo! Il caldo, eh? Biggicaldier! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Pitti con Anglo physicali comedia eccentric.
Jack Potts e Tom Bowler! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (TWITTERING MUSIC) Hi, I'm Ed Winchester.
I'd like to take a moment of your time to talk about the love of our Lord Jesus Christ (MAN) The sun rises behind the hills of Africa, turning the sky blood red.
Flamingos wade in a lake, the animals of the Serengeti are waking up.
An elephant raises its trunk and throws dust across its back.
A very large bird flies in the air from left to right.
Some antelopes jump about a bit.
Boing, boing, boing! Four birds now Five birdssi Lots of birds flying in the sky above.
Is that a cheetah or a leopard? I can't remember how you tell the difference.
No, it's plains so that will be a cheetah.
Yes, a Oh, look at him go! Ohno, not more bloody birds! The only thing less interesting than birds are plants and fish.
Oh, here we go! It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? The bloody rainforest! I suppose I have to tell you about how an area the size of Wales is destroyed every day.
Blah, blah, blah, blah! (MUSIC HALL MUSIC) All right, I want you to throw some coins and see if you can get 'em in there! Yes, yes, 'ere he his – Arthur Atkinson, the man, the myth, the mirth! Yeth, that's me, eh? Where's me wathboard?! It's all right, madam, you can laugh! I've been quarantined! Yes, you could take a lump out of me! Oi, yes! Who are you supposed to be, then? Uncle Tumbley, the Tumbling Turn? How queer! How queer! Heh heh heh heh heh! 'Erelook, Mother, look, I'm skipping! Look at little Arthur now! Yes, yes! Look at me legs – they're a positive blur! 'Ere, I tell you what, I feel lighter than air today.
I feel like I could take orf! I knew I shouldn't have had that cabbage! I dunno what you're laughin' at! Who do you think you are? Lord Lah–di–dah from the House of Lord–di–dors, eh? Young man at the back with spectacles and galoshes, I've seen YOU filling father's sandwiches with tongue on a mutton day! I said, tongue on a mutton day! Heh heh, heh! 'Ere, I'm Arthur, you're not, but I love you all lots and lots of three–bobs and fish and chinkers! Ta–ra! You've been kind! Bye, darling.
(SPRINGS BOUNCING) Numero unos.
Spitzes spetzos efalia ming Postman Pat efant Uh–ho, uh–hoblack and white cat! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) No! Donaldo, Donaldo! Scuti, scuti! Idiot, idiot! Mitara musica en grand "Big Show" applausica.
Discohot e Mikki Disco! (APPLAUSE, WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Mia, melti mia, sexy baby, disco baby! Mikkolo casa, Mikkolo mia! Sexy baby! Sminki pinki! – # Oo–ooh, oooh – (CHORUS) # Oooh, oooh, oooh Disco baby, sexy baby hot! – # Wanka! – # Mi baby Wanka! Wanka! – # Oh, sexy – # Wanka! – # Oh, yeah, baby – # Wanka! – # Tu–occus, tu knockas! – # Wanka, wanka! – # Du–yamo – # Wanka! – # Confesso! – # Oooh, oooh–oooh, oooh! Disco baby, sexy baby! Hot! Ohh, tuto hormona! Ten happy happy soul! Tuta betti special! Tutaloras pottelonbora Mikki Disco! Ooooh! (SPEECH DROWNED OU BY CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Mia ciao! – Prima ooba doobik, Kristov Vasectomi! – (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Viatri tiatrici! Boutros Boutros Ghali! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Mmm.
And I was at university with Hugh Grant, so he lent us his cottage in Provence and we spent the whole week pottering about in his battered old Mirror Dinghy .
.
which was nice.
(BOOMING VOICE) Eras! Swifter than an arrowdeadlier than a snake, there's nowhere to hide from the Japanese "Ginja Warrior"! Look out, he's behind you! Move it, come on! – I hope we're not too late! – Come on! In, in, in! Has anyone got anything to eat? The National Lottery! Need I say any more?!