The Great North (2021) s02e02 Episode Script
The Great Punkin' Adventure
1
- Look up there
- What do you see?
Nature and stuff
- Like a rock
- And a tree
Oh, the Great North
Way up here,
you can breathe the air
Catch some fish
Or gaze at a bear
Wow
Oh, the Great North
Here we live, oh, oh
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo
From longest night
to longest day
In the Great North.
[alarms ringing.]
[both yawn.]
BOTH: Chore Chiefs! And now let us say the Chore Chiefs oath.
BOTH: As the sun appears, we gather our gear, and so our chores begin.
Dish divas! Window wizards! Vacuum velociraptors! Poopin' princes! I'll tell Dad about that one when I'm done.
Let us chore no more until tomorrow.
- It's time for - BOTH: Breakfast boys! Good morning, guest house squatters.
JK.
I just learned about JK.
- Joshing kindly.
- Guys, huge news over here.
Last night, Honeybee and I were at the Gazebo Depot you know, gazebo gazing and we ran into Mayor Peppers.
We told him about our new video event company, - "Pause for Applause.
" - And he said he might hire us as videographers for his most beloved niece's birthday party! Oh, I can't believe that little Becky Peppers is already 37.
Sounds like opportunity has mounted the porch and knocked.
Well, it's not our job yet.
Mayor Peppers wants to see what we can do with a lower-stakes project first.
Yup.
He wants us to make a video tribute to our beloved town for everyone to see at the annual State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
Is it time for the S-O-T-M-L-double M-B already? I can't wait to celebrate all the great new developments in Lone Moose this year.
Like the new dog-poop bag station near the merry-go-round.
It's gorgeous.
And the taxidermied bear at the library that finally got restuffed.
Nice smooth belly, no lumps.
Or the new cuckoo clock factory that's moving here.
It's going to create over 12 jobs.
- 13.
13 jobs.
- [scoffs.]
Hope you guys like traffic.
HAM: Cream corn day? More like dream corn day, because I got two helpings.
[high-pitched.]
Hot! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, no.
Ham! I'll get you some ice.
Aah.
Thanks, Judy.
Ooh.
Uh, hi, Principal Gibbons.
Sorry I yelled so loud.
- Am I in trouble? - You? Ham Tobin? Three-time Good Behavior Award Champion? God, no.
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Oh, I'm okay.
A lot of it pooled in my pockets.
I'll just dump it out when I get home.
Sounds good.
Ham Tobin in trouble.
Sheesh.
[laughs.]
Dang it.
Now the smell of my pants is gonna make - me hungry all day.
- Oh.
Hey, Ham.
Oh.
Hello, cool.
I mean Quay.
I saw what happened back there.
I mean, actually, I heard it.
- Oh, the scream? - Don't be embarrassed.
- It sounded awesome.
- Really? Thanks.
I'm not even the best yeller in my family.
My brother Wolf is the real scream queen.
Well, it gave me an idea.
I was wondering if you want to try out for my punk band, Messengers of Chaos.
I used to be the singer, but I just got into madrigal choir so, I can't risk the vocal strain.
Anyway, the band is pretty hard-core, so I don't know if that's your scene.
Huh.
I'm hard-core sometimes.
I think.
Cool.
You want to audition after school? Uh, I don't know.
[short chuckle.]
Is it necessary to change vacuum attachments to properly clean corners? [chuckles.]
- What? - Yes.
My answer is yes.
QUAY: Ham, this is Bethany Bones - and Steven the Psycho.
- Hey.
- What's up, man? - Okay, sing this like you just got burned by creamed corn.
- But in your soul.
- Hello, my punks.
My dad was wondering if you could not practice today.
He just got his appendix out, and he says he needs to rest.
Maybe we're the ones who need a rest.
From his rules.
Parents are the worst.
Gill, do you want - to be our manager or not? - Uh, yeah, totally, I'm your guy, 1,000%.
I'll talk to him.
He's kind of in and out, but I'll-I'll try.
All right, let's rock.
One, two, three, four.
[speaking song.]
Anarchy Stew, Anarchy Stew Heat it up, add some glue Come on, man.
Fight society's expectations with your voice.
Anarchy Stew, the recipe's invalid Now wash it down with some chaos Salaaaaaad Salad.
WOLF: Okay, guys, this movie is our chance to wow - everyone in town.
- We want you all to be in it, and we're also the kind of directors who think good ideas can come from anywhere, like McG.
So put up your umbrellas.
I feel a brainstorm coming on.
Let's hear those ideas.
Two words.
Tree karate.
Three words.
I love it.
I could show the camera how to make my favorite salad.
A lettuce salad.
Lettuce celebrate that great idea.
Hmm, and what will I do? I don't know.
Just off the top of my head Uh, a dead ballerina wandering through a rainy field looking for her lover of yesteryear.
And then she does a dance to help her process the fact that everyone and everything she knew is gone.
Wow.
How can we say no to any of these ideas - when they're all so good? - We can't.
We're not insane.
Now let the magic commence.
Wonderful.
I'll go get my lettuce.
And my lettuce bowl.
That was pretty intense in there.
It was as intense as the last time I got to see my grandpa.
Two weeks ago.
He was super grumpy.
Ham, your voice made me furious.
In a great way.
Thanks, but just so you know, I can't really sing that loud.
The microphone was making me louder.
Well, we have a lot of people who want the job, - so we'll let you know.
- Thanks for the opportunity.
Quay.
Stephen the Psycho.
Bethany Bones.
Gill.
Sad ballerina [music plays.]
Sad ballerina, sad Why, ballerina, why, ballerina, why? And cut.
We got 20 minutes of Judy doing that.
Is that enough? Not sure.
You know, the best movies shot tons of footage 'cause they made it up as they went along.
Jurassic Park was originally a teen romantic comedy called Jungle High, but it was so darn boring, they started adding dinosaurs.
Who knows what we'll end up with.
All right.
Judy, from the top.
- Sad ballerina, sad ballerina - [phone ringing.]
- Sad, why, ballerina - HAM: I got it! - Why, ballerina? - Hello? [gasps.]
I did? I am?! I'm in a band! Bring in the Ham, bring in the punk.
Huh.
Where's the button bin? Ah! Aha.
'Kay, let's see what says "hard-core.
" No, nope, nope, not you.
There you are.
Yeah.
Punk rock.
So, uh, what time are we practicing? Oh, today isn't a practice day.
Every Tuesday, we go punkin'.
Yeah, we go do badass stuff to inspire us to write badass songs.
Mm-hmm, we live the punk way of life, like Johnny Rotten or Gwen Stefani.
So are we doing stuff that could actually get us in trouble? Do you want to wake up in a coffin at the end of your life with a report card full of straight A's and a bunch of pleasant memories? - No? - Punk or die, butterfly.
Go to sleep, teachers and guppies You can't stop us from petting those puppies Engine to Starbase.
This is Private John Seinfeld.
I see no sign of a breach anywhere.
Aah! 'Cause it's just chalk, but look what we wrote with chalk We'll never be like you, we wrote the word "poo" And you can't stop us, no way Before you begin, check and make sure you didn't buy cabbage.
Doing stuff to mannequins Getting all straight A's again So punk we'll make your freezer melt Wearing extra seat belts You said "take one" but we'll take three And now we're sitting in a frozen crowd of trees.
God, my mom is smothering me.
I know I have a viola lesson.
You know what? I'm gonna show up five minutes late to mess with her head.
When my mom asks me if anything interesting happened at school today, I'm gonna say no.
But it's a lie.
Tons of interesting things happened.
My mom is making us spaghetti and garlic bread again.
I can't wait to tell her how I spoiled my appetite - with baby carrots.
- So you guys, uh, don't get along with your parents really well and love spending time with them? What? Of course not.
Why? Do you? Uh, no.
I mean, sometimes my dad gets me up to do chores at 5:30 a.
m.
, and I'm like, I don't even love doing chores or bonding with my dad more than anything in the world.
[sputters.]
- [phone dings.]
- Ugh.
Come on, Mom.
You don't control me.
See you later, guys.
- Stay punk.
- I will.
I will.
Hello there, Ham.
Better hang up your coat and wash your hands we're eating in front of Wheel of Fortune.
It's Teachers Week.
QUAY: Parents are the worst the worst STEVEN: Spaghetti and garlic bread again.
Ham, did you hear me? - Can you wash your hands? - You wash my hands.
Uh it was just a suggestion.
You know your own hands.
Whoops.
It seems like you accidentally - missed the coat hook there.
- Or I don't know maybe I laid my jacket carelessly on the ground on purpose.
Come on, bud.
Are you low on potassium again? - Do you need a banana? - No, thank you! Do you know you put a banana on your coat, son? - Yeah, Dad, I do.
- O-kay.
[groans.]
I just don't feel like hanging my jacket, okay?! We're back on the jacket.
Sometimes when you tell me to do something, uh, I don't feel like doing it.
And you know what else? I'm I'm quitting Chore Chiefs.
At least for a day.
- Then we'll see.
- Whoa.
Hmm.
Well, this is new territory for us, but I guess I should punish you or something for acting out? - Maybe go take a break in your room.
- Fine! Do you want to help me finish setting up the TV trays? Sure.
Where is everybody? Don't they know it's Teachers Week on Wheel? I'd like to solve the puzzle, Moon.
"I forgot to remind them.
" These candy corn lights are like, "What? It's not Halloween, right?" My dumb dad said they were cheap and a fire hazard, so he wouldn't let me hang them at our house.
- I'm so sorry, Quay.
- [sighs.]
Thanks, Bethany.
Yeah, my, uh, my dad sent me to my room last night because I said I didn't want to do chores anymore.
And I was in there for 45 minutes - before my sister came and got me for dessert.
- Damn.
Yeah.
It's kind of like Parents don't they know that they're jerks? G-Getting on my case, making me do homework? Wait.
Say that again.
Parents, don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework Parents, they always drive me nuts Parents, and they smell like [singing.]
Butts.
That was, like, incredible.
Hey, guys, guess what? I, Gill Beavers, your manager, got you a gig.
- Yes! - Whoa.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Messengers Of Chaos.
You guys are playing a one-song set at The State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
- Yes! - My dad's on the planning committee.
He said he's got to fill four minutes, and there's no budget, so we're in.
We have to play "Parents," for sure.
It's our best song.
Lone Moose is about to get a wake-up call.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Here comes the reality rooster.
How is the videotape coming along? Very well.
We already have 35 hours of footage.
Oh, hello, Ham.
I assume I shouldn't ask you about washing your hands.
Uh-oh.
Here come the fireworks.
That's right, Dad.
I will wash them if I want to, which I already did.
Great.
So, how was your day? Good.
We had band practice at Gill Beavers' house.
Director's note: get footage of band practice for film.
Great idea, my Taika Wife-titi.
[gasps.]
Oh.
And we have a gig.
At the State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
- Wonderful, son.
- Wow, holy toast! We're even gonna play a new song I wrote.
It's called "Pare rr" What, Ham? What is the new song you wrote called? "Pair of Friends.
" About two friends who go on a fishing trip.
[gasps.]
Do they catch anything? - Yup.
- Fantastic.
Oh, sick! We're headed right into the fiery heart of the Lone Moose music scene.
Hey, does Gill's dad still make those kickass blondies? [drumsticks rhythmically clicking.]
Parents Don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework Parents, they always drive me nuts Parents, and they smell like Butts.
Let's take a blondie break.
- So, uh, what do you think? - Buddy, I'm worried about that song.
You're really going to sing that in front of Dad at the banquet? About parents sucking? I mean, you might as well pull out Dad's heart and whiz all over it.
- He's gonna be hella crushed.
- I know.
Hey, maybe you guys can write a different song, like, uh Blondies, boy, they taste so good.
- Yeah, good idea, Wolf.
- Good.
Great talk, buddy.
Hey, when you play the blondie song at the banquet, can you mention I helped write it? Hey, Dad.
How's the wood-chopping coming along? [grunts.]
There's still a lot more to do.
- So, it's great.
- Um, I was wondering something.
What would you do if someone called you a jerk? A jerk? Ouch.
That'd be tough, especially if it was someone I cared about and respected.
But I'd probably get over it within a matter of months.
- Months, huh? - Ham, did someone at school call you a jerk? Is that why you put a banana on your coat the other night? Uh, no, Dad.
No one called me a jerk.
Hmm.
Well, whatever it is, I will try to help.
I know I don't always understand what you're going through, and the Chore Chiefs hasn't been the same without you this week, - but I'm glad we're communicating.
- Uh, yeah.
Me, too, Dad.
[drumsticks rhythmically clicking.]
Parents, don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework? [applause, cheering.]
Dad? Has anyone seen my dad? Telegram.
Telegram for Mr.
Ham Tobin.
[gasps.]
I'm Mr.
Ham Tobin.
"Mr.
Tobin.
Stop.
We regret to inform you.
Stop.
That your father has died.
Stop.
His heart stopped.
Stop.
And then exploded.
Stop.
When someone called him a jerk.
Stop.
" No! MOON: Engine to Starbase.
Wolfie, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Is everything okay? I told you not to drink orange soda after 7:00.
It's not that.
It's Look, I know I promised I could edit this thing, but the cut's 19 hours and 11 minutes long.
- Babe, we can cut it down.
- How? Everything Judy did was solid gold.
And Dad.
And Moon.
It's all gold.
It's just one giant gold sandwich with hundreds of slices of gold smothered in gold sauce.
Wolf, you have to relax.
The first cut of Maze Runner 2: The Scorch Trials was eight hours long, and it turned out perfect.
Yeah, but they had the best people in the world working on Maze Runner 2: The Scorch Trials and a lot of time.
We have to show something tomorrow night, and I have no idea what it's gonna be.
Babe, when John Krasinski has a script problem who pulls out that big red pen and goes nuts? - Ah, his wife, Emily Blunt.
- Exactly.
Now, let's cut the crust off this panini.
Guys, hey, um, about the song tonight.
I was thinking about it, and I don't think "Parents" rocks quite hard enough.
Yeah, so, um, I came up with an even better song we can play instead.
[scat singing.]
Butternut squash? Better not, Josh.
Butternut squash? Better not, Josh.
Definitely brings up some valid issues, - but not totally feeling it.
- Yeah, I mean, that is great, but it's not "Parents" level great.
Ham, just be happy you wrote the perfect song.
- "Parents" rules.
- Mm HONEYBEE: Well, it's two minutes and 48 seconds of something.
I just hope it's ready.
PEPPERS: Good evening, everyone.
I am Mayor Peppers, and tonight we're here to talk about Lone Moose.
But first, let us acknowledge that before this place was called "Lone Moose" by some very cold and very grabby Europeans, it was the homeland of my ancestors, the Sugpiaq people, for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.
And while land acknowledgements are fine, it'd be better if they just went ahead and gave the land back.
I'd also like to say that I believe Vera over there took my cupcake caddy Tupperware at last month's bingo night.
So, if you feel like giving her a disapproving head shake, by all means, go for it.
And now it's time to let the Moose loose.
Later, we'll be hearing from the CEO of the cuckoo clock factory.
But first, help me welcome Lone Moose's very first punk rock and roll band, Messengers of Chaos, - with a youthful song.
- [applause.]
I wore a button today, too.
- And I brought both of these.
- Cool.
- [guitar plays over speaker.]
- Hi.
Um, we're Messengers of, um, Chaos, and this song is called - [mumbling.]
"Parents.
" - One, two, three, four.
Parents, uh, parents [singing gibberish.]
- What are you doing, man? - [whimpering.]
[speaker feedback.]
Ham? Okay, well, while we figure that out, let's take a moment to meet the CEO from Elegant Cuckoos, Paul Reingold.
Cuckoo.
What do you think of when you hear the word "cuckoo"? Wrong.
What you should think is inspiration.
- Ham? Hey, what's going on? - Dad.
[clears throat, sighs.]
I have a confession to make.
I was about to sing a terrible song about how parents are jerks, and then everyone would think I was singing about you, including you, but it's not even about you.
Not really.
Well, what do the song words say? Hmm.
You know, just that parents are jerks and that they stink and they're dumb and they're bossy.
You know, that kind of thing.
Ham, it's okay.
In fact, I have honestly been relieved to finally see your rebellious side.
I mean, you have always been so agreeable and so helpful.
You don't earn the title Chore Chief for nothing.
I love being a Chore Chief.
I guess I am hard-core about hard chores.
I know you are, son.
But it's okay to explore your rebellious side.
- Really? - Yes, and I would be honored for you to sing a disparaging song about me.
- [gasps.]
You would? - Very much.
And if being a proud parent makes me a jerk, then I'm the jerkiest parent there is.
- You call me Beef Jerky.
- Thanks, Beef Jerky.
Now get in there and give me hell.
Hey, sorry about that, everybody.
You know, punk rock is about saying what you really think, no matter what.
It also seems to be about wearing army coats with lots of buttons.
Honestly, I'm still learning.
Anyway, this song is about what I really think.
It's called "Parents.
" Parents, don't they know they're neat? Parents, make the food I eat Parents, drive me to the mall Parents, buy expensive dolls Parents, they have cool careers Parents, help me face my fears! I love my dad and I don't care who knows it.
[song ends.]
- Hey, Ham.
- Hey, Quay.
Sorry that I changed the lyrics of our song into a song about how I like parents.
If you want to kick me out of the band, I get it.
Actually, that was really punk rock, changing the words at the last minute like that.
Plus, my mom liked it, and she kind of does a lot of stuff for me.
And now, a very special video by Wolf and Honeybee Shaw-Tobin.
Here is To Lone Moose, With Love.
Greta Gerwig, give us your light.
Why, ballerina, why, ballerina, why? And that's how you fill a pitcher with water.
- Why are they so quiet? - Maybe this is just a total disaster.
Hey, that's my house! And there's the gazebo! I've sat there.
[gasps.]
That's my backyard! And my werewolf mask! I lent it to them.
[laughs.]
- Wow.
- I recognize so many places.
This is the best movie I have ever seen.
[woman and man reading.]
[applause.]
We made a masterpiece.
You complete me.
And our video projects.
HAM: The trick to writing a good punk song is finding something that you're mad about and then just kind of shoutin' it.
Huh, sounds easy enough.
Let me think of something that really makes me furious.
Oh, okay, I-I have one.
[Ham scat sings rhythmically.]
People who rake their leaves in piles And leave them to blow in the wind Are very inefficient people.
- That was great.
- I have-I have more.
[Ham scat sings rhythmically.]
And now their leaves are all over the road And that seems very thoughtless Bag your leaves in a timely fashion Bag your leaves in a timely fashion! Butternut squash, better not, Josh Tortillas and beans, nuh-uh, Eugene Nice piece of fish-a, you wish, Tricia Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not, Josh Corn on the cobb, you disappoint me, Rob PB and jelly, forget it, Shelly Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not, Josh Blueberry pie, you're dreaming, Ty Pastrami, Reuben, hell, no, uh Reuben Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not
[alarms ringing.]
[both yawn.]
BOTH: Chore Chiefs! And now let us say the Chore Chiefs oath.
BOTH: As the sun appears, we gather our gear, and so our chores begin.
Dish divas! Window wizards! Vacuum velociraptors! Poopin' princes! I'll tell Dad about that one when I'm done.
Let us chore no more until tomorrow.
- It's time for - BOTH: Breakfast boys! Good morning, guest house squatters.
JK.
I just learned about JK.
- Joshing kindly.
- Guys, huge news over here.
Last night, Honeybee and I were at the Gazebo Depot you know, gazebo gazing and we ran into Mayor Peppers.
We told him about our new video event company, - "Pause for Applause.
" - And he said he might hire us as videographers for his most beloved niece's birthday party! Oh, I can't believe that little Becky Peppers is already 37.
Sounds like opportunity has mounted the porch and knocked.
Well, it's not our job yet.
Mayor Peppers wants to see what we can do with a lower-stakes project first.
Yup.
He wants us to make a video tribute to our beloved town for everyone to see at the annual State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
Is it time for the S-O-T-M-L-double M-B already? I can't wait to celebrate all the great new developments in Lone Moose this year.
Like the new dog-poop bag station near the merry-go-round.
It's gorgeous.
And the taxidermied bear at the library that finally got restuffed.
Nice smooth belly, no lumps.
Or the new cuckoo clock factory that's moving here.
It's going to create over 12 jobs.
- 13.
13 jobs.
- [scoffs.]
Hope you guys like traffic.
HAM: Cream corn day? More like dream corn day, because I got two helpings.
[high-pitched.]
Hot! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, no.
Ham! I'll get you some ice.
Aah.
Thanks, Judy.
Ooh.
Uh, hi, Principal Gibbons.
Sorry I yelled so loud.
- Am I in trouble? - You? Ham Tobin? Three-time Good Behavior Award Champion? God, no.
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Oh, I'm okay.
A lot of it pooled in my pockets.
I'll just dump it out when I get home.
Sounds good.
Ham Tobin in trouble.
Sheesh.
[laughs.]
Dang it.
Now the smell of my pants is gonna make - me hungry all day.
- Oh.
Hey, Ham.
Oh.
Hello, cool.
I mean Quay.
I saw what happened back there.
I mean, actually, I heard it.
- Oh, the scream? - Don't be embarrassed.
- It sounded awesome.
- Really? Thanks.
I'm not even the best yeller in my family.
My brother Wolf is the real scream queen.
Well, it gave me an idea.
I was wondering if you want to try out for my punk band, Messengers of Chaos.
I used to be the singer, but I just got into madrigal choir so, I can't risk the vocal strain.
Anyway, the band is pretty hard-core, so I don't know if that's your scene.
Huh.
I'm hard-core sometimes.
I think.
Cool.
You want to audition after school? Uh, I don't know.
[short chuckle.]
Is it necessary to change vacuum attachments to properly clean corners? [chuckles.]
- What? - Yes.
My answer is yes.
QUAY: Ham, this is Bethany Bones - and Steven the Psycho.
- Hey.
- What's up, man? - Okay, sing this like you just got burned by creamed corn.
- But in your soul.
- Hello, my punks.
My dad was wondering if you could not practice today.
He just got his appendix out, and he says he needs to rest.
Maybe we're the ones who need a rest.
From his rules.
Parents are the worst.
Gill, do you want - to be our manager or not? - Uh, yeah, totally, I'm your guy, 1,000%.
I'll talk to him.
He's kind of in and out, but I'll-I'll try.
All right, let's rock.
One, two, three, four.
[speaking song.]
Anarchy Stew, Anarchy Stew Heat it up, add some glue Come on, man.
Fight society's expectations with your voice.
Anarchy Stew, the recipe's invalid Now wash it down with some chaos Salaaaaaad Salad.
WOLF: Okay, guys, this movie is our chance to wow - everyone in town.
- We want you all to be in it, and we're also the kind of directors who think good ideas can come from anywhere, like McG.
So put up your umbrellas.
I feel a brainstorm coming on.
Let's hear those ideas.
Two words.
Tree karate.
Three words.
I love it.
I could show the camera how to make my favorite salad.
A lettuce salad.
Lettuce celebrate that great idea.
Hmm, and what will I do? I don't know.
Just off the top of my head Uh, a dead ballerina wandering through a rainy field looking for her lover of yesteryear.
And then she does a dance to help her process the fact that everyone and everything she knew is gone.
Wow.
How can we say no to any of these ideas - when they're all so good? - We can't.
We're not insane.
Now let the magic commence.
Wonderful.
I'll go get my lettuce.
And my lettuce bowl.
That was pretty intense in there.
It was as intense as the last time I got to see my grandpa.
Two weeks ago.
He was super grumpy.
Ham, your voice made me furious.
In a great way.
Thanks, but just so you know, I can't really sing that loud.
The microphone was making me louder.
Well, we have a lot of people who want the job, - so we'll let you know.
- Thanks for the opportunity.
Quay.
Stephen the Psycho.
Bethany Bones.
Gill.
Sad ballerina [music plays.]
Sad ballerina, sad Why, ballerina, why, ballerina, why? And cut.
We got 20 minutes of Judy doing that.
Is that enough? Not sure.
You know, the best movies shot tons of footage 'cause they made it up as they went along.
Jurassic Park was originally a teen romantic comedy called Jungle High, but it was so darn boring, they started adding dinosaurs.
Who knows what we'll end up with.
All right.
Judy, from the top.
- Sad ballerina, sad ballerina - [phone ringing.]
- Sad, why, ballerina - HAM: I got it! - Why, ballerina? - Hello? [gasps.]
I did? I am?! I'm in a band! Bring in the Ham, bring in the punk.
Huh.
Where's the button bin? Ah! Aha.
'Kay, let's see what says "hard-core.
" No, nope, nope, not you.
There you are.
Yeah.
Punk rock.
So, uh, what time are we practicing? Oh, today isn't a practice day.
Every Tuesday, we go punkin'.
Yeah, we go do badass stuff to inspire us to write badass songs.
Mm-hmm, we live the punk way of life, like Johnny Rotten or Gwen Stefani.
So are we doing stuff that could actually get us in trouble? Do you want to wake up in a coffin at the end of your life with a report card full of straight A's and a bunch of pleasant memories? - No? - Punk or die, butterfly.
Go to sleep, teachers and guppies You can't stop us from petting those puppies Engine to Starbase.
This is Private John Seinfeld.
I see no sign of a breach anywhere.
Aah! 'Cause it's just chalk, but look what we wrote with chalk We'll never be like you, we wrote the word "poo" And you can't stop us, no way Before you begin, check and make sure you didn't buy cabbage.
Doing stuff to mannequins Getting all straight A's again So punk we'll make your freezer melt Wearing extra seat belts You said "take one" but we'll take three And now we're sitting in a frozen crowd of trees.
God, my mom is smothering me.
I know I have a viola lesson.
You know what? I'm gonna show up five minutes late to mess with her head.
When my mom asks me if anything interesting happened at school today, I'm gonna say no.
But it's a lie.
Tons of interesting things happened.
My mom is making us spaghetti and garlic bread again.
I can't wait to tell her how I spoiled my appetite - with baby carrots.
- So you guys, uh, don't get along with your parents really well and love spending time with them? What? Of course not.
Why? Do you? Uh, no.
I mean, sometimes my dad gets me up to do chores at 5:30 a.
m.
, and I'm like, I don't even love doing chores or bonding with my dad more than anything in the world.
[sputters.]
- [phone dings.]
- Ugh.
Come on, Mom.
You don't control me.
See you later, guys.
- Stay punk.
- I will.
I will.
Hello there, Ham.
Better hang up your coat and wash your hands we're eating in front of Wheel of Fortune.
It's Teachers Week.
QUAY: Parents are the worst the worst STEVEN: Spaghetti and garlic bread again.
Ham, did you hear me? - Can you wash your hands? - You wash my hands.
Uh it was just a suggestion.
You know your own hands.
Whoops.
It seems like you accidentally - missed the coat hook there.
- Or I don't know maybe I laid my jacket carelessly on the ground on purpose.
Come on, bud.
Are you low on potassium again? - Do you need a banana? - No, thank you! Do you know you put a banana on your coat, son? - Yeah, Dad, I do.
- O-kay.
[groans.]
I just don't feel like hanging my jacket, okay?! We're back on the jacket.
Sometimes when you tell me to do something, uh, I don't feel like doing it.
And you know what else? I'm I'm quitting Chore Chiefs.
At least for a day.
- Then we'll see.
- Whoa.
Hmm.
Well, this is new territory for us, but I guess I should punish you or something for acting out? - Maybe go take a break in your room.
- Fine! Do you want to help me finish setting up the TV trays? Sure.
Where is everybody? Don't they know it's Teachers Week on Wheel? I'd like to solve the puzzle, Moon.
"I forgot to remind them.
" These candy corn lights are like, "What? It's not Halloween, right?" My dumb dad said they were cheap and a fire hazard, so he wouldn't let me hang them at our house.
- I'm so sorry, Quay.
- [sighs.]
Thanks, Bethany.
Yeah, my, uh, my dad sent me to my room last night because I said I didn't want to do chores anymore.
And I was in there for 45 minutes - before my sister came and got me for dessert.
- Damn.
Yeah.
It's kind of like Parents don't they know that they're jerks? G-Getting on my case, making me do homework? Wait.
Say that again.
Parents, don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework Parents, they always drive me nuts Parents, and they smell like [singing.]
Butts.
That was, like, incredible.
Hey, guys, guess what? I, Gill Beavers, your manager, got you a gig.
- Yes! - Whoa.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Messengers Of Chaos.
You guys are playing a one-song set at The State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
- Yes! - My dad's on the planning committee.
He said he's got to fill four minutes, and there's no budget, so we're in.
We have to play "Parents," for sure.
It's our best song.
Lone Moose is about to get a wake-up call.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Here comes the reality rooster.
How is the videotape coming along? Very well.
We already have 35 hours of footage.
Oh, hello, Ham.
I assume I shouldn't ask you about washing your hands.
Uh-oh.
Here come the fireworks.
That's right, Dad.
I will wash them if I want to, which I already did.
Great.
So, how was your day? Good.
We had band practice at Gill Beavers' house.
Director's note: get footage of band practice for film.
Great idea, my Taika Wife-titi.
[gasps.]
Oh.
And we have a gig.
At the State of the Moose: Lone Moose Moose Banquet.
- Wonderful, son.
- Wow, holy toast! We're even gonna play a new song I wrote.
It's called "Pare rr" What, Ham? What is the new song you wrote called? "Pair of Friends.
" About two friends who go on a fishing trip.
[gasps.]
Do they catch anything? - Yup.
- Fantastic.
Oh, sick! We're headed right into the fiery heart of the Lone Moose music scene.
Hey, does Gill's dad still make those kickass blondies? [drumsticks rhythmically clicking.]
Parents Don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework Parents, they always drive me nuts Parents, and they smell like Butts.
Let's take a blondie break.
- So, uh, what do you think? - Buddy, I'm worried about that song.
You're really going to sing that in front of Dad at the banquet? About parents sucking? I mean, you might as well pull out Dad's heart and whiz all over it.
- He's gonna be hella crushed.
- I know.
Hey, maybe you guys can write a different song, like, uh Blondies, boy, they taste so good.
- Yeah, good idea, Wolf.
- Good.
Great talk, buddy.
Hey, when you play the blondie song at the banquet, can you mention I helped write it? Hey, Dad.
How's the wood-chopping coming along? [grunts.]
There's still a lot more to do.
- So, it's great.
- Um, I was wondering something.
What would you do if someone called you a jerk? A jerk? Ouch.
That'd be tough, especially if it was someone I cared about and respected.
But I'd probably get over it within a matter of months.
- Months, huh? - Ham, did someone at school call you a jerk? Is that why you put a banana on your coat the other night? Uh, no, Dad.
No one called me a jerk.
Hmm.
Well, whatever it is, I will try to help.
I know I don't always understand what you're going through, and the Chore Chiefs hasn't been the same without you this week, - but I'm glad we're communicating.
- Uh, yeah.
Me, too, Dad.
[drumsticks rhythmically clicking.]
Parents, don't they know they're jerks? Parents, make me do homework? [applause, cheering.]
Dad? Has anyone seen my dad? Telegram.
Telegram for Mr.
Ham Tobin.
[gasps.]
I'm Mr.
Ham Tobin.
"Mr.
Tobin.
Stop.
We regret to inform you.
Stop.
That your father has died.
Stop.
His heart stopped.
Stop.
And then exploded.
Stop.
When someone called him a jerk.
Stop.
" No! MOON: Engine to Starbase.
Wolfie, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Is everything okay? I told you not to drink orange soda after 7:00.
It's not that.
It's Look, I know I promised I could edit this thing, but the cut's 19 hours and 11 minutes long.
- Babe, we can cut it down.
- How? Everything Judy did was solid gold.
And Dad.
And Moon.
It's all gold.
It's just one giant gold sandwich with hundreds of slices of gold smothered in gold sauce.
Wolf, you have to relax.
The first cut of Maze Runner 2: The Scorch Trials was eight hours long, and it turned out perfect.
Yeah, but they had the best people in the world working on Maze Runner 2: The Scorch Trials and a lot of time.
We have to show something tomorrow night, and I have no idea what it's gonna be.
Babe, when John Krasinski has a script problem who pulls out that big red pen and goes nuts? - Ah, his wife, Emily Blunt.
- Exactly.
Now, let's cut the crust off this panini.
Guys, hey, um, about the song tonight.
I was thinking about it, and I don't think "Parents" rocks quite hard enough.
Yeah, so, um, I came up with an even better song we can play instead.
[scat singing.]
Butternut squash? Better not, Josh.
Butternut squash? Better not, Josh.
Definitely brings up some valid issues, - but not totally feeling it.
- Yeah, I mean, that is great, but it's not "Parents" level great.
Ham, just be happy you wrote the perfect song.
- "Parents" rules.
- Mm HONEYBEE: Well, it's two minutes and 48 seconds of something.
I just hope it's ready.
PEPPERS: Good evening, everyone.
I am Mayor Peppers, and tonight we're here to talk about Lone Moose.
But first, let us acknowledge that before this place was called "Lone Moose" by some very cold and very grabby Europeans, it was the homeland of my ancestors, the Sugpiaq people, for thousands and thousands and thousands of years.
And while land acknowledgements are fine, it'd be better if they just went ahead and gave the land back.
I'd also like to say that I believe Vera over there took my cupcake caddy Tupperware at last month's bingo night.
So, if you feel like giving her a disapproving head shake, by all means, go for it.
And now it's time to let the Moose loose.
Later, we'll be hearing from the CEO of the cuckoo clock factory.
But first, help me welcome Lone Moose's very first punk rock and roll band, Messengers of Chaos, - with a youthful song.
- [applause.]
I wore a button today, too.
- And I brought both of these.
- Cool.
- [guitar plays over speaker.]
- Hi.
Um, we're Messengers of, um, Chaos, and this song is called - [mumbling.]
"Parents.
" - One, two, three, four.
Parents, uh, parents [singing gibberish.]
- What are you doing, man? - [whimpering.]
[speaker feedback.]
Ham? Okay, well, while we figure that out, let's take a moment to meet the CEO from Elegant Cuckoos, Paul Reingold.
Cuckoo.
What do you think of when you hear the word "cuckoo"? Wrong.
What you should think is inspiration.
- Ham? Hey, what's going on? - Dad.
[clears throat, sighs.]
I have a confession to make.
I was about to sing a terrible song about how parents are jerks, and then everyone would think I was singing about you, including you, but it's not even about you.
Not really.
Well, what do the song words say? Hmm.
You know, just that parents are jerks and that they stink and they're dumb and they're bossy.
You know, that kind of thing.
Ham, it's okay.
In fact, I have honestly been relieved to finally see your rebellious side.
I mean, you have always been so agreeable and so helpful.
You don't earn the title Chore Chief for nothing.
I love being a Chore Chief.
I guess I am hard-core about hard chores.
I know you are, son.
But it's okay to explore your rebellious side.
- Really? - Yes, and I would be honored for you to sing a disparaging song about me.
- [gasps.]
You would? - Very much.
And if being a proud parent makes me a jerk, then I'm the jerkiest parent there is.
- You call me Beef Jerky.
- Thanks, Beef Jerky.
Now get in there and give me hell.
Hey, sorry about that, everybody.
You know, punk rock is about saying what you really think, no matter what.
It also seems to be about wearing army coats with lots of buttons.
Honestly, I'm still learning.
Anyway, this song is about what I really think.
It's called "Parents.
" Parents, don't they know they're neat? Parents, make the food I eat Parents, drive me to the mall Parents, buy expensive dolls Parents, they have cool careers Parents, help me face my fears! I love my dad and I don't care who knows it.
[song ends.]
- Hey, Ham.
- Hey, Quay.
Sorry that I changed the lyrics of our song into a song about how I like parents.
If you want to kick me out of the band, I get it.
Actually, that was really punk rock, changing the words at the last minute like that.
Plus, my mom liked it, and she kind of does a lot of stuff for me.
And now, a very special video by Wolf and Honeybee Shaw-Tobin.
Here is To Lone Moose, With Love.
Greta Gerwig, give us your light.
Why, ballerina, why, ballerina, why? And that's how you fill a pitcher with water.
- Why are they so quiet? - Maybe this is just a total disaster.
Hey, that's my house! And there's the gazebo! I've sat there.
[gasps.]
That's my backyard! And my werewolf mask! I lent it to them.
[laughs.]
- Wow.
- I recognize so many places.
This is the best movie I have ever seen.
[woman and man reading.]
[applause.]
We made a masterpiece.
You complete me.
And our video projects.
HAM: The trick to writing a good punk song is finding something that you're mad about and then just kind of shoutin' it.
Huh, sounds easy enough.
Let me think of something that really makes me furious.
Oh, okay, I-I have one.
[Ham scat sings rhythmically.]
People who rake their leaves in piles And leave them to blow in the wind Are very inefficient people.
- That was great.
- I have-I have more.
[Ham scat sings rhythmically.]
And now their leaves are all over the road And that seems very thoughtless Bag your leaves in a timely fashion Bag your leaves in a timely fashion! Butternut squash, better not, Josh Tortillas and beans, nuh-uh, Eugene Nice piece of fish-a, you wish, Tricia Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not, Josh Corn on the cobb, you disappoint me, Rob PB and jelly, forget it, Shelly Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not, Josh Blueberry pie, you're dreaming, Ty Pastrami, Reuben, hell, no, uh Reuben Butternut squash, better not, Josh Butternut squash, better not