The Impressions Show with Culshaw and Stephenson (2009) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
1 Si, WAG.
Wur-ah-gur.
WAG.
It stand for "wife and girlfriend".
They have the both.
They think it OK.
I say to one footballer, take him to one side.
I say, "This a your wife.
"This a his wife.
You no do the one two.
" Coming up on Crimewatch, we launch a nationwide search as we attempt to track down just who stole my chair.
But first, this.
Actually, I've not been sleeping You think you've got problems.
I've got a pair of trousers where the crotch stands when I sit down.
Are you in love with your mother? Are you in love with my mother? And if not, why not? She's a fair old bird.
You could do a lot worse.
I'll put a word in.
But anyway, you are blocking.
Come on, what is on your mind? I'll tell you what's on my mind.
The Huntress from the Batman comics.
Bikini and a crossbow.
Where does she keep the arrows? But anyway, you're blocking.
Get it all out in the open.
Cos I'm thinking about it.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Apart from one of my wife's bras, BELL RINGS Right, that's your hour up.
See you same time next week.
Honestly some people just don't know when to shut up.
OK.
That's enough.
After her split with Michael Winner, Katie was worried she may never find true love.
Until she met and married her new husband.
Where are you? Er, er down here, dear.
Where? Underneath your, er, Two Ronnies.
You've got to stop disappearing like that.
I'm so sorry, dear.
Look.
Let's get on with opening the wedding presents, shall we? Oh, that's a lovely idea.
Charming.
I wonder what this could be.
Oh, look at this.
I specifically asked for fork handles, but look at that.
Four candles.
I asked for "fork handles", handles for forks.
Really! And what's this for? "Sore tips"? No, I asked for "saw tips".
You know, tips for covering saws.
Honestly! And I sincerely hope this isn't a hoe.
I mean, I asked for "Os".
Letter "Os.
" For the garden gate.
Mon repose! I've got to say, this is even worse than your speech.
I mean, did you really have to prattle on for what seemed like a lifetime, when you didn't even have a decent punch line.
Well, I'm so sorry, dear.
Let's face it, this marriage is already a disaster.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
Ten years of repressed emotion came flooding out.
Her naked body responded to every touch of his expert hands.
Her skin glistened as if covered by an early morning dew.
The kind of dew that provides a great source of moisture, if you're growing perhaps a marrow or some lovely courgettes.
If you haven't got a greenhouse to maximise the moisture and hold it in, try covering them in some polythene, but do remember to cut some little holes in to let your greens breathe.
Then they went at it like rabbits.
True story.
The wind changed and I stayed like it.
Being mistaken for Ray Winstone at the Baftas.
Well, when the dinosaurs died out, I was called in for questioning.
You're doing really well, Nicky.
That's good.
Is your birthing partner on her way? Yes.
She should be here soon.
Oh, brilliant.
Look at you.
You look great! Doesn't she look great? You look super great.
Nicky's really close now.
Amazing! Brilliant! You're having a baby! You're doing really well.
Well done you! Just keep panting.
Yes Let's all pant.
And you too, Nursie.
THEY PAN WOMAN SCREAMS Will it be a boy or a girl? I don't know.
We're going to need some gas.
Brilliant! What do you want for lunch, Babe? I'll cook.
Oh, I don't know? What about What the? Oh, no.
Who's gone and done that? It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli.
I'm a little bit cheeky.
Tonioli cannot tell a lie.
I wrote the cheeky words on your cheeky garage door! Bruno been a bad boy, and I must be punished.
Smacky botty boom boom! But not too much, I may like it.
lam the cheekiest Bruno in the whole wide world and nobody can stop me! Last one to Cheeky Town is not as cheeky as me.
Ooh! Smacky botty boom boom! After divorcing Ronnie Corbett, Katie is quickly married again.
Has she found true love with theoretical physicist, Professor Stephen Hawking? All you ever think about is the Universe! I mean, there are more important things.
Like why aren't we on the cover of Closer this week? I'm leaving you and don't try and follow me.
And I don't mean because of the stairs.
Hello.
I'm Gary Barlow and this is my North.
During the course of this series I going to be looking at why I think the North's so special.
Its flyovers.
Its railway escarpments.
But, today, it's the turn of the pedestrian underpass and this marvellous example from Stockport.
And here to talk about it is one of the men that made it happen, former casual labourer, Mick.
So, Mick, what was it like being involved in a project on this scale? Well, it was just a job, like, you know.
I just did as I was told.
Bit like us in Take That.
We got eight quid a day cash in hand, like.
We got six quid.
I'm not doing so bad these days.
Not as well as I should be because they split the songwriting four ways now.
But that was the deal.
They had me over a barrel.
You just went along with it.
Mind you, everyone contributes in their own way, I suppose.
Apart from Howard.
He does literally flat nothing.
He's supposed to be the dancer, but he's always pulling something or other.
It's his calf-muscle this week, bless him.
Anyway, we're not here to rake over all that.
We're here to celebrate Mick's under Oh! Oh, I think he's gone.
Probably gone off to make a brew.
He's got the right idea that lad.
Something else about Howard OK.
So you're obviously one of those tragic waiters desperate to get into showbusiness.
Actually, I'm not interested.
I'm going to stop you.
Don't want to hear it.
Just get in the queue with the rest of the Britain's Got Talent riff-raft.
Dannii Madam, can I take Talk to the hand cos the face ain't moving.
I'm afraid I've already ordered.
Oh, that's OK, Simon.
I've already eaten this year.
I'll have a cheeky Vimto.
Oh, no.
Don't look now, but it's that ghastly Charlotte Church.
And that ridiculous Lloyd Webber bloke.
Honestly, this place will let in just anybody nowadays.
Oh no, don't look now, but it's that ghastly Dannii Minogue.
And that ridiculous Simon Cowell.
Honestly.
This place will let just anybody in nowadays.
I don't know what it is.
But something about her just rubs me up the wrong way.
She's like all cash and no class, like.
She's so all cash and no class.
Yeah, that awful cattle market singing show she does is justawful.
I mean honestly What gives her the right to judge who's talented? I mean, can you even remember .
.
when she last had a hit single? And that body I mean, she looks great, but I reckon she's had some work done.
So has he, for that matter.
Well, he certainly hasn't.
And she's always plastered all over the glossies.
It's just a bit tacky if you ask me.
Do I detect a little green-eyed monster? You've got be kidding me! I would not want to be like her.
I look down on him, because I am high camp.
I look up to him because he is high camp, but I look down on him because he is even more vulgar than me.
I like being near the bottom! I look up to them both because they're even camper than me.
I'm as camp as a row of tents.
Ooooh! Tent pole! But I sometimes look up to him because he gets to front prime time BBC One shows.
Last time I did that I was wearing a mini-skirt that hardly covered my Blankety-Blanks.
I sometimes get to front prime time BBC One shows, but I'm not allowed to make any jokes about "friends of Dorothy" or "walking like a Nancy".
I look down on him, because he's never on prime time.
I know my place.
It's Channel Four.
Channel Four! He's filling my old slot.
You said I know! Oh, please, you two.
I look down on both of them because they're so much more vulgar than me.
I'm not coming back until the pair of yous grow up! He said "up".
So juvenile! I'm Heston Blumenthal I've been working to create meals and flavours never before experienced by mankind.
Welcome to my space kitchen.
We're heading for the dark side of the yum.
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Now, today we started off with some of this.
We took it to an industrial compression plant until we got this.
Then I added some H20 and a fungus called yeast.
We put the result into a superheated metal box for exactly 1/24th of a day.
And this is the result.
Then I extracted some white liquid from one of these, stirred it for days and days and days until it became this.
Emulsified cow liquid protein.
And I'm using another form of emulsified cow liquid protein.
This one was made in a laboratory in Leicester.
And I'm going to reduce it to microscopic shards, with this, my emulsified cow liquid protein shard-creator.
And there you have it.
A double emulsified cow liquid protein tower.
It's a cheese sandwich.
I've spent so long cooking nonsense, What are you going to do? There's celebrity guests out there expecting a startlingly original eating experience.
Call a surgeon.
We'll implant the sandwich directly into their stomach.
Tell the surgeon to bring some pickle! Well, I've got a bad back, a heart murmur, the grandkids are a nightmare, me knees ache, the evenings are drawing in.
But you know me never one to complain, eh? Oh, that's easy.
PHONE BEEPS It's a dead heat between making one of my films and watching one of my films.
MUSIC PLAYS Fearne.
Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! Sit down! What? God! Wowzers! Tubular smanage! Can I have Smartie? Can I? Can I have Smartie? Please! It won't spoil my dinner, promise.
Can I have Smartie? No.
You've been doing aeroplanes.
You'll be sick.
Back live in five, Fearne.
And we've got Sir Paul McCartney down the line.
Yey! That wasmusic.
You're listening to me! Now it's tick-tock-time for some total one million per cent interviewage with my awesome guest, Sir Pat McCartney! Love it! Loving it! Love it or loving it? E-mail me.
Sir Pat! 'Hello.
' Big shout out to Lord Pat! You're on the radio! It's mentally exciting! Are you excited? You must be excited.
I'm well excited! When they gave me my Ritalino calmington down tablets this morning, I sicked them up.
Skill dodge! Now, one thing I've got to ask you.
You are one of the major stars in the whole wide world, so I want to know What do you think of my snake? 'Hello? 'I'm trying to talk to someone, um, at the BBC.
ls your dad in?' Oh! Oh, no! I just swallowed my chewing gum! It'll totally wrap round in my guts now and grow a chewing gum tree.
Miss, I need to go hospital now.
Kimberley told me she ate her chewing gum in Guides once and she like totally died.
Sir Pat, you're a sir.
Did you meet the Queen? Did she smell like posh biscuits? We've lost him, Fearne.
He's hung up.
I didn't ask to be born.
Sssssss.
Oh, look at 'ickle Michael.
Michael's such a little cutie.
Aren't you such a cutie? Yes you are, yes you are.
A bu-ba-ba.
A bu-ba-ba.
MICHAEL MCINTYRE: What is it about babies that turns grown men into jibbering idiots? A bu-ba-ba.
A bu-ba-ba.
What is that supposed to mean? l am a baby and even I don't understand baby speak.
English, please! And what's that thing about nappies? No sooner have you got a new pair on than they're full again Have you got the dummy? I mean, how is this possible? And one more thing There.
That's better.
So, I tell to footballer, a mobile phone, eh? You put it to your ear.
You, er, make the call.
You don't set to vibrate and put it down your underpants.
The English footballers, they crazy.
Well? Easy.
No security.
Nice and simple.
Let me see the goods.
What is this? It's gold.
I can see that, you monkey! I wanted cash, not gold! Gold won't buy me a bat to hit you round the canister with, will it? No boss, sorry boss.
But can't Mickey the Fence turn it all into cash? He can't front that kind of cash.
No-one can! And I wanted cash, not gold! Now, you tell me, who's going to turn all this gold into cash? What's that, Sweetheart? You want to turn your gold into hard cash? Then you need Cash My Gold Bricks! Simply put your gold bricks in the Cash My Gold Bricks envelope, pop it in the post and they'll send you back the cash.
So, what do you say? You're Dale Winton.
Don't look so surprised, love.
So, do you want to turn your gold into hard cash or don't you? Move it.
Move it! There you are, my dear.
There you are.
Right, now this is a very complex operation.
So, it's going to require your full concentration.
Two important things to remember.
Firstly, keep any eye on th patient's white blood cell count, and secondly and most importantly That you're not Nigel from EastEnders.
Good.
Because if we forget that I'm not a real doctor, and just Nigel from EastEnders, then we're all in very big trouble.
Yes, Nigel.
Excellent.
And who isn't this? This isn't Patsy Kensit from Emmerdale and Lethal Weapon ll.
Right.
Well, let's get started.
Nurse Fay, I need 200 milligrams of Epid Ep Epidurprophinate.
There you go doctor.
Oh, did you? Sorry, I must have misheard.
Oh, well, it'd be silly to have it go to waste.
Right, I want no more mistakes.
200 milligrams of Ep Epidurprophinate.
Yes, Dr Hope.
I asked for Epidurprophinate.
Are you sure? I've got lots of Botox.
No, thank you.
Oh, well.
Be rude not to You did that deliberately, didn't you? BEEPING Oh, no.
We're going to lose him.
His heart's stopped.
Nurse Fay, I need 200 milligrams of adrenaline.
Stat! And you are quite sure this is adrenaline and not Botox? Yes.
Definitely.
100% certain.
Good.
OK maybe it's Botox.
But it will make him look younger.
He won't regret it.
You idiot, we're going to lose him.
I need defibrillators.
Quick.
Why does he have breasts? I had some silicon left over.
You'll thank me for it later.
Police want to speak to anyone who was in Liverpool city centre in the early hours of Saturday morning, as you're bound to have done something.
Well, I'm very pleased to say that this is worth £1 million.
Oh, my.
I had no idea.
Just say the words, love.
Cash my gold bricks! Magic! Cash My Gold Bricks.
Providing a vital service for people who are desperate for cash.
That's why you do the ads, eh, Dale? Shut your cake hole.
When they told me Big Brother was ending, I was like, ugh! Aagh! Ugh! Is this where I tell you some son of story about snogging a zebra or something? Kelly Brook.
And His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, has arrived for tonight's star-studded movie premiere.
So who are you? Er my name's Andy, Your Highness.
Andy.
And what do you do? I run the box office, Your Highness.
Do you know what I do? Erm, yeah.
I'm Prince of Wales.
I own all of it and everything.
Do you wish you were Prince of Wales? Er, I You do.
You well do.
You well wish you were Prince of Wales.
Do you know who my mum is? Yeah.
She's the Queen.
Do you wish my mum was your mum? You do.
You well do.
I can see it in your eyes.
You wish the Queen was your mum like she's my mum.
You well wish that.
No, I don't.
What are you saying? Are you saying my mum's a skank? What? No, I was just I'm going to tell her what you said.
And she's the Queen.
She could have your head executed off and everything.
But I didn't say anything.
Too late, you're well dead.
It's my word against yours, and she's my mum.
Look.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I like you.
So I won't say anything.
But it will cost you.
I want free hotdogs and popcorn for me and all my crew.
I'll see what I can do.
And the film better have boobs in it, otherwise I'm walking.
I just completely owned him.
Total Wipeout is a huge success, Richard, but we want to keep the show fresh.
So for the next series, we'd like to try something really radical.
Go on.
We were thinking of moving the Big Red Balls slightly further apart.
Knock.
Knock.
Clarkson here.
May.
Chair.
Right away, Mr Clarkson.
Sorry, Hamster.
I've had enough of this namby-pamby game show.
What this show needs is some serious welly! But it's doing really well Zip it, suit boy.
When I want your opinion, hell will be more frozen than the abominable snowman's gonads.
Yes, Mr Clarkson.
Right.
First thing we do is move the filming of Total Wipeout from Buenos Aires to Guantanamo Bay.
Normal laws don't apply there so we can have much more fun.
I like it.
Then get rid of these cretinous red inflatable balls and replace them with eight 62 inch circular sawmill blades rotating at 700 RPM.
We could call them the Hamster Wheels.
Nice! And what's this? Water? Replace it with boiling tar.
How about battery acid? Nice! ls this 1:87 scale like HO model railways? And we could use May to test the course.
Nice! But who would actually take pan? Simple.
Just start plucking foreigners from the underside of the Eurostar.
Anyone who completes the course gets a British passport and a council flat in Bradford.
So, no-one must ever be allowed to complete the course.
Exactly.
Right, let's go to the Weakest Link studio and see if they did what I suggested and installed Anne Robinson's machine gun.
Hooray! Coming up on Crimewatch, some harrowing footage.
What would you do if you woke at three o'clock in the morning to find half a dozen men in masks downstairs all dancing to Donna Summer records, and one of them was your husband? But first, this.
Some men reach middle age and are crippled with tiredness, fatigue and hair loss.
Later on, we'll be looking at the male menopause.
That's coming up after the break.
I think I've got something in my eye.
My eye.
My eye There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more, me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
I can look and look back and say how silly I was for missing you, Fern.
But not now.
Not yet.
I want to remember every minute.
Are you all right? Just something in my eye.
Here, let me.
Oh, Fern Phillip Are you going to the studio today? Yes.
I've been offered a job co-hosting the lottery with Dale Winton.
No, darling.
No.
I had no choice, you must understand that.
It's prime time, and, well I'm sorry.
Of course, I'm being silly.
It's just the thought of you presenting with someone else, giggling inappropriately with them, demonstrating how to cook vanilla souffle Every time I look at his face it will be your face I see.
Promise you'll meet me here next Thursday.
I can't.
Winton will notice, we're filming a segment on horse riding.
Promise.
I'll try.
Welcome back.
Next, Diarmuid Gavin is going to show us how to create a tropical garden in Chingford.
Not to be missed.
You were thinking about her again, weren't you? No, darling.
I I can't believe you were thinking about her when you're with me.
I'm sorry.
So Jack took the cow to market.
This was a simple enough task.
All he had to do was sell the ruddy cow for a small profit.
But what's this? Do my eyes deceive me? He swapped the cow for five magic beans.
When he got home, his team leader, Mum, was absolutely furious.
She chucked the beans out the window.
The next morning, there was a giant beanstalk where the beans had landed.
But no-one climbed up it because, with regret, Jack had been fired.
Next week's task is to make an Emperor a new set of clothes using absolutely nothing.
100% profit.
Now that's what I call a fairytale ending.
Night-night.
What? Oh, all right.
There you are.
Well, today wasn't much to write home about, was it? Do you call that sunshine, cos I certainly don't.
I've had warmer G&T's, honest to God.
And tomorrow's no better.
Cloud, rain, wind.
They're saying no snow, but I don't believe 'em.
Do you remember 1987! Oh, yes! They say there's a warm front over the channel.
Well, it's not much bloody use to us there, is it? And if you're holding out hope for Friday, forget it.
"Sea breezes", it says here.
Doesn't feel like a sea breeze when you're on the promenade in Blackpool! I've seen grown women swept clean out to sea, honest to God.
Then there's the weekend, which is a chore at the best of times, what with low cloud cover and the grandkids.
In summary, then, I don't know why I bother.
I really don't.
"Good night", it says here, but I fail to see how.
It's enough to make you want a brew.
Ben, get the kettle on.
There's a good lad.
Honest to God.
Wur-ah-gur.
WAG.
It stand for "wife and girlfriend".
They have the both.
They think it OK.
I say to one footballer, take him to one side.
I say, "This a your wife.
"This a his wife.
You no do the one two.
" Coming up on Crimewatch, we launch a nationwide search as we attempt to track down just who stole my chair.
But first, this.
Actually, I've not been sleeping You think you've got problems.
I've got a pair of trousers where the crotch stands when I sit down.
Are you in love with your mother? Are you in love with my mother? And if not, why not? She's a fair old bird.
You could do a lot worse.
I'll put a word in.
But anyway, you are blocking.
Come on, what is on your mind? I'll tell you what's on my mind.
The Huntress from the Batman comics.
Bikini and a crossbow.
Where does she keep the arrows? But anyway, you're blocking.
Get it all out in the open.
Cos I'm thinking about it.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Apart from one of my wife's bras, BELL RINGS Right, that's your hour up.
See you same time next week.
Honestly some people just don't know when to shut up.
OK.
That's enough.
After her split with Michael Winner, Katie was worried she may never find true love.
Until she met and married her new husband.
Where are you? Er, er down here, dear.
Where? Underneath your, er, Two Ronnies.
You've got to stop disappearing like that.
I'm so sorry, dear.
Look.
Let's get on with opening the wedding presents, shall we? Oh, that's a lovely idea.
Charming.
I wonder what this could be.
Oh, look at this.
I specifically asked for fork handles, but look at that.
Four candles.
I asked for "fork handles", handles for forks.
Really! And what's this for? "Sore tips"? No, I asked for "saw tips".
You know, tips for covering saws.
Honestly! And I sincerely hope this isn't a hoe.
I mean, I asked for "Os".
Letter "Os.
" For the garden gate.
Mon repose! I've got to say, this is even worse than your speech.
I mean, did you really have to prattle on for what seemed like a lifetime, when you didn't even have a decent punch line.
Well, I'm so sorry, dear.
Let's face it, this marriage is already a disaster.
Come on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
Ten years of repressed emotion came flooding out.
Her naked body responded to every touch of his expert hands.
Her skin glistened as if covered by an early morning dew.
The kind of dew that provides a great source of moisture, if you're growing perhaps a marrow or some lovely courgettes.
If you haven't got a greenhouse to maximise the moisture and hold it in, try covering them in some polythene, but do remember to cut some little holes in to let your greens breathe.
Then they went at it like rabbits.
True story.
The wind changed and I stayed like it.
Being mistaken for Ray Winstone at the Baftas.
Well, when the dinosaurs died out, I was called in for questioning.
You're doing really well, Nicky.
That's good.
Is your birthing partner on her way? Yes.
She should be here soon.
Oh, brilliant.
Look at you.
You look great! Doesn't she look great? You look super great.
Nicky's really close now.
Amazing! Brilliant! You're having a baby! You're doing really well.
Well done you! Just keep panting.
Yes Let's all pant.
And you too, Nursie.
THEY PAN WOMAN SCREAMS Will it be a boy or a girl? I don't know.
We're going to need some gas.
Brilliant! What do you want for lunch, Babe? I'll cook.
Oh, I don't know? What about What the? Oh, no.
Who's gone and done that? It was me! I'm Bruno Tonioli.
I'm a little bit cheeky.
Tonioli cannot tell a lie.
I wrote the cheeky words on your cheeky garage door! Bruno been a bad boy, and I must be punished.
Smacky botty boom boom! But not too much, I may like it.
lam the cheekiest Bruno in the whole wide world and nobody can stop me! Last one to Cheeky Town is not as cheeky as me.
Ooh! Smacky botty boom boom! After divorcing Ronnie Corbett, Katie is quickly married again.
Has she found true love with theoretical physicist, Professor Stephen Hawking? All you ever think about is the Universe! I mean, there are more important things.
Like why aren't we on the cover of Closer this week? I'm leaving you and don't try and follow me.
And I don't mean because of the stairs.
Hello.
I'm Gary Barlow and this is my North.
During the course of this series I going to be looking at why I think the North's so special.
Its flyovers.
Its railway escarpments.
But, today, it's the turn of the pedestrian underpass and this marvellous example from Stockport.
And here to talk about it is one of the men that made it happen, former casual labourer, Mick.
So, Mick, what was it like being involved in a project on this scale? Well, it was just a job, like, you know.
I just did as I was told.
Bit like us in Take That.
We got eight quid a day cash in hand, like.
We got six quid.
I'm not doing so bad these days.
Not as well as I should be because they split the songwriting four ways now.
But that was the deal.
They had me over a barrel.
You just went along with it.
Mind you, everyone contributes in their own way, I suppose.
Apart from Howard.
He does literally flat nothing.
He's supposed to be the dancer, but he's always pulling something or other.
It's his calf-muscle this week, bless him.
Anyway, we're not here to rake over all that.
We're here to celebrate Mick's under Oh! Oh, I think he's gone.
Probably gone off to make a brew.
He's got the right idea that lad.
Something else about Howard OK.
So you're obviously one of those tragic waiters desperate to get into showbusiness.
Actually, I'm not interested.
I'm going to stop you.
Don't want to hear it.
Just get in the queue with the rest of the Britain's Got Talent riff-raft.
Dannii Madam, can I take Talk to the hand cos the face ain't moving.
I'm afraid I've already ordered.
Oh, that's OK, Simon.
I've already eaten this year.
I'll have a cheeky Vimto.
Oh, no.
Don't look now, but it's that ghastly Charlotte Church.
And that ridiculous Lloyd Webber bloke.
Honestly, this place will let in just anybody nowadays.
Oh no, don't look now, but it's that ghastly Dannii Minogue.
And that ridiculous Simon Cowell.
Honestly.
This place will let just anybody in nowadays.
I don't know what it is.
But something about her just rubs me up the wrong way.
She's like all cash and no class, like.
She's so all cash and no class.
Yeah, that awful cattle market singing show she does is justawful.
I mean honestly What gives her the right to judge who's talented? I mean, can you even remember .
.
when she last had a hit single? And that body I mean, she looks great, but I reckon she's had some work done.
So has he, for that matter.
Well, he certainly hasn't.
And she's always plastered all over the glossies.
It's just a bit tacky if you ask me.
Do I detect a little green-eyed monster? You've got be kidding me! I would not want to be like her.
I look down on him, because I am high camp.
I look up to him because he is high camp, but I look down on him because he is even more vulgar than me.
I like being near the bottom! I look up to them both because they're even camper than me.
I'm as camp as a row of tents.
Ooooh! Tent pole! But I sometimes look up to him because he gets to front prime time BBC One shows.
Last time I did that I was wearing a mini-skirt that hardly covered my Blankety-Blanks.
I sometimes get to front prime time BBC One shows, but I'm not allowed to make any jokes about "friends of Dorothy" or "walking like a Nancy".
I look down on him, because he's never on prime time.
I know my place.
It's Channel Four.
Channel Four! He's filling my old slot.
You said I know! Oh, please, you two.
I look down on both of them because they're so much more vulgar than me.
I'm not coming back until the pair of yous grow up! He said "up".
So juvenile! I'm Heston Blumenthal I've been working to create meals and flavours never before experienced by mankind.
Welcome to my space kitchen.
We're heading for the dark side of the yum.
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Now, today we started off with some of this.
We took it to an industrial compression plant until we got this.
Then I added some H20 and a fungus called yeast.
We put the result into a superheated metal box for exactly 1/24th of a day.
And this is the result.
Then I extracted some white liquid from one of these, stirred it for days and days and days until it became this.
Emulsified cow liquid protein.
And I'm using another form of emulsified cow liquid protein.
This one was made in a laboratory in Leicester.
And I'm going to reduce it to microscopic shards, with this, my emulsified cow liquid protein shard-creator.
And there you have it.
A double emulsified cow liquid protein tower.
It's a cheese sandwich.
I've spent so long cooking nonsense, What are you going to do? There's celebrity guests out there expecting a startlingly original eating experience.
Call a surgeon.
We'll implant the sandwich directly into their stomach.
Tell the surgeon to bring some pickle! Well, I've got a bad back, a heart murmur, the grandkids are a nightmare, me knees ache, the evenings are drawing in.
But you know me never one to complain, eh? Oh, that's easy.
PHONE BEEPS It's a dead heat between making one of my films and watching one of my films.
MUSIC PLAYS Fearne.
Fearne.
Fearnanda Jane Cotton! Sit down! What? God! Wowzers! Tubular smanage! Can I have Smartie? Can I? Can I have Smartie? Please! It won't spoil my dinner, promise.
Can I have Smartie? No.
You've been doing aeroplanes.
You'll be sick.
Back live in five, Fearne.
And we've got Sir Paul McCartney down the line.
Yey! That wasmusic.
You're listening to me! Now it's tick-tock-time for some total one million per cent interviewage with my awesome guest, Sir Pat McCartney! Love it! Loving it! Love it or loving it? E-mail me.
Sir Pat! 'Hello.
' Big shout out to Lord Pat! You're on the radio! It's mentally exciting! Are you excited? You must be excited.
I'm well excited! When they gave me my Ritalino calmington down tablets this morning, I sicked them up.
Skill dodge! Now, one thing I've got to ask you.
You are one of the major stars in the whole wide world, so I want to know What do you think of my snake? 'Hello? 'I'm trying to talk to someone, um, at the BBC.
ls your dad in?' Oh! Oh, no! I just swallowed my chewing gum! It'll totally wrap round in my guts now and grow a chewing gum tree.
Miss, I need to go hospital now.
Kimberley told me she ate her chewing gum in Guides once and she like totally died.
Sir Pat, you're a sir.
Did you meet the Queen? Did she smell like posh biscuits? We've lost him, Fearne.
He's hung up.
I didn't ask to be born.
Sssssss.
Oh, look at 'ickle Michael.
Michael's such a little cutie.
Aren't you such a cutie? Yes you are, yes you are.
A bu-ba-ba.
A bu-ba-ba.
MICHAEL MCINTYRE: What is it about babies that turns grown men into jibbering idiots? A bu-ba-ba.
A bu-ba-ba.
What is that supposed to mean? l am a baby and even I don't understand baby speak.
English, please! And what's that thing about nappies? No sooner have you got a new pair on than they're full again Have you got the dummy? I mean, how is this possible? And one more thing There.
That's better.
So, I tell to footballer, a mobile phone, eh? You put it to your ear.
You, er, make the call.
You don't set to vibrate and put it down your underpants.
The English footballers, they crazy.
Well? Easy.
No security.
Nice and simple.
Let me see the goods.
What is this? It's gold.
I can see that, you monkey! I wanted cash, not gold! Gold won't buy me a bat to hit you round the canister with, will it? No boss, sorry boss.
But can't Mickey the Fence turn it all into cash? He can't front that kind of cash.
No-one can! And I wanted cash, not gold! Now, you tell me, who's going to turn all this gold into cash? What's that, Sweetheart? You want to turn your gold into hard cash? Then you need Cash My Gold Bricks! Simply put your gold bricks in the Cash My Gold Bricks envelope, pop it in the post and they'll send you back the cash.
So, what do you say? You're Dale Winton.
Don't look so surprised, love.
So, do you want to turn your gold into hard cash or don't you? Move it.
Move it! There you are, my dear.
There you are.
Right, now this is a very complex operation.
So, it's going to require your full concentration.
Two important things to remember.
Firstly, keep any eye on th patient's white blood cell count, and secondly and most importantly That you're not Nigel from EastEnders.
Good.
Because if we forget that I'm not a real doctor, and just Nigel from EastEnders, then we're all in very big trouble.
Yes, Nigel.
Excellent.
And who isn't this? This isn't Patsy Kensit from Emmerdale and Lethal Weapon ll.
Right.
Well, let's get started.
Nurse Fay, I need 200 milligrams of Epid Ep Epidurprophinate.
There you go doctor.
Oh, did you? Sorry, I must have misheard.
Oh, well, it'd be silly to have it go to waste.
Right, I want no more mistakes.
200 milligrams of Ep Epidurprophinate.
Yes, Dr Hope.
I asked for Epidurprophinate.
Are you sure? I've got lots of Botox.
No, thank you.
Oh, well.
Be rude not to You did that deliberately, didn't you? BEEPING Oh, no.
We're going to lose him.
His heart's stopped.
Nurse Fay, I need 200 milligrams of adrenaline.
Stat! And you are quite sure this is adrenaline and not Botox? Yes.
Definitely.
100% certain.
Good.
OK maybe it's Botox.
But it will make him look younger.
He won't regret it.
You idiot, we're going to lose him.
I need defibrillators.
Quick.
Why does he have breasts? I had some silicon left over.
You'll thank me for it later.
Police want to speak to anyone who was in Liverpool city centre in the early hours of Saturday morning, as you're bound to have done something.
Well, I'm very pleased to say that this is worth £1 million.
Oh, my.
I had no idea.
Just say the words, love.
Cash my gold bricks! Magic! Cash My Gold Bricks.
Providing a vital service for people who are desperate for cash.
That's why you do the ads, eh, Dale? Shut your cake hole.
When they told me Big Brother was ending, I was like, ugh! Aagh! Ugh! Is this where I tell you some son of story about snogging a zebra or something? Kelly Brook.
And His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales, has arrived for tonight's star-studded movie premiere.
So who are you? Er my name's Andy, Your Highness.
Andy.
And what do you do? I run the box office, Your Highness.
Do you know what I do? Erm, yeah.
I'm Prince of Wales.
I own all of it and everything.
Do you wish you were Prince of Wales? Er, I You do.
You well do.
You well wish you were Prince of Wales.
Do you know who my mum is? Yeah.
She's the Queen.
Do you wish my mum was your mum? You do.
You well do.
I can see it in your eyes.
You wish the Queen was your mum like she's my mum.
You well wish that.
No, I don't.
What are you saying? Are you saying my mum's a skank? What? No, I was just I'm going to tell her what you said.
And she's the Queen.
She could have your head executed off and everything.
But I didn't say anything.
Too late, you're well dead.
It's my word against yours, and she's my mum.
Look.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I like you.
So I won't say anything.
But it will cost you.
I want free hotdogs and popcorn for me and all my crew.
I'll see what I can do.
And the film better have boobs in it, otherwise I'm walking.
I just completely owned him.
Total Wipeout is a huge success, Richard, but we want to keep the show fresh.
So for the next series, we'd like to try something really radical.
Go on.
We were thinking of moving the Big Red Balls slightly further apart.
Knock.
Knock.
Clarkson here.
May.
Chair.
Right away, Mr Clarkson.
Sorry, Hamster.
I've had enough of this namby-pamby game show.
What this show needs is some serious welly! But it's doing really well Zip it, suit boy.
When I want your opinion, hell will be more frozen than the abominable snowman's gonads.
Yes, Mr Clarkson.
Right.
First thing we do is move the filming of Total Wipeout from Buenos Aires to Guantanamo Bay.
Normal laws don't apply there so we can have much more fun.
I like it.
Then get rid of these cretinous red inflatable balls and replace them with eight 62 inch circular sawmill blades rotating at 700 RPM.
We could call them the Hamster Wheels.
Nice! And what's this? Water? Replace it with boiling tar.
How about battery acid? Nice! ls this 1:87 scale like HO model railways? And we could use May to test the course.
Nice! But who would actually take pan? Simple.
Just start plucking foreigners from the underside of the Eurostar.
Anyone who completes the course gets a British passport and a council flat in Bradford.
So, no-one must ever be allowed to complete the course.
Exactly.
Right, let's go to the Weakest Link studio and see if they did what I suggested and installed Anne Robinson's machine gun.
Hooray! Coming up on Crimewatch, some harrowing footage.
What would you do if you woke at three o'clock in the morning to find half a dozen men in masks downstairs all dancing to Donna Summer records, and one of them was your husband? But first, this.
Some men reach middle age and are crippled with tiredness, fatigue and hair loss.
Later on, we'll be looking at the male menopause.
That's coming up after the break.
I think I've got something in my eye.
My eye.
My eye There will come a time in the future when I shan't mind about this any more, me and Holly, here together on the sofa.
I can look and look back and say how silly I was for missing you, Fern.
But not now.
Not yet.
I want to remember every minute.
Are you all right? Just something in my eye.
Here, let me.
Oh, Fern Phillip Are you going to the studio today? Yes.
I've been offered a job co-hosting the lottery with Dale Winton.
No, darling.
No.
I had no choice, you must understand that.
It's prime time, and, well I'm sorry.
Of course, I'm being silly.
It's just the thought of you presenting with someone else, giggling inappropriately with them, demonstrating how to cook vanilla souffle Every time I look at his face it will be your face I see.
Promise you'll meet me here next Thursday.
I can't.
Winton will notice, we're filming a segment on horse riding.
Promise.
I'll try.
Welcome back.
Next, Diarmuid Gavin is going to show us how to create a tropical garden in Chingford.
Not to be missed.
You were thinking about her again, weren't you? No, darling.
I I can't believe you were thinking about her when you're with me.
I'm sorry.
So Jack took the cow to market.
This was a simple enough task.
All he had to do was sell the ruddy cow for a small profit.
But what's this? Do my eyes deceive me? He swapped the cow for five magic beans.
When he got home, his team leader, Mum, was absolutely furious.
She chucked the beans out the window.
The next morning, there was a giant beanstalk where the beans had landed.
But no-one climbed up it because, with regret, Jack had been fired.
Next week's task is to make an Emperor a new set of clothes using absolutely nothing.
100% profit.
Now that's what I call a fairytale ending.
Night-night.
What? Oh, all right.
There you are.
Well, today wasn't much to write home about, was it? Do you call that sunshine, cos I certainly don't.
I've had warmer G&T's, honest to God.
And tomorrow's no better.
Cloud, rain, wind.
They're saying no snow, but I don't believe 'em.
Do you remember 1987! Oh, yes! They say there's a warm front over the channel.
Well, it's not much bloody use to us there, is it? And if you're holding out hope for Friday, forget it.
"Sea breezes", it says here.
Doesn't feel like a sea breeze when you're on the promenade in Blackpool! I've seen grown women swept clean out to sea, honest to God.
Then there's the weekend, which is a chore at the best of times, what with low cloud cover and the grandkids.
In summary, then, I don't know why I bother.
I really don't.
"Good night", it says here, but I fail to see how.
It's enough to make you want a brew.
Ben, get the kettle on.
There's a good lad.
Honest to God.