The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (2010) s02e02 Episode Script

Previously, on "the increasingly poor Decisions of Todd Margaret" Dave: I need it to appear as though I've been up all night, working.
Todd Margaret: You wanna open up your own restaurant, your own, uh, fat duck, or-or whack-a-mole.
Alice Bell: The molecule.
Oh, my god! Dave, we're not going to Leeds.
Get it through your thick head, okay? We're going to Leeds.
Of course, I think that might be the company van there.
What the hell is The steering wheel doing-- - Cheers for driving, boss.
- Say your prayers.
Original air date January 13, 2012 [S02E02.]
I'm not so sure this is a good idea, guys.
What kind of a moron are you? I could've been killed! - Didn't you see me? - No-- you have a tiny bike.
Didn't you see me? I have a huge truck.
Okay, look-- it has 18 wheels.
Come on-- I think we know who's more to blame here.
Blame? I'll see you in court! How are you gonna sue me? You can't even afford a car.
How are you gonna afford a lawyer? I am a lawyer.
Well, obviously, a shitty one.
Why am I shitty lawyer? Because you can't afford a car! I ride a bike because I'm environmentally aware.
I choose to drive an 18-wheel truck.
Why-- because it's comfortable, and I can fit a ton of stuff In the back.
Look what your fucking truck has done to my bike! Look what-what your bike has done to my truck! Fuck your truck! I admit that we've been reckless and foolhardy And apologize unreservedly for any distress and/or Inconvenience caused.
If there's anything we can do to rectify the situation, we will.
And then, just sign this on behalf of the metropolitan police and put your name.
Again, mr.
Mountford, thank you so much for the opportunity to write such a beautifully worded apology.
I mean, obviously, if we knew It was you, you, uh-- According to vehicle registration, this truck belongs to a turkish man, Achmed Al Abdul Ahab Alabdalai.
Yes-yes-- of course, it does, because Achmed Abdul Ahabatalray Is my name.
Alachbar to you.
Uh, officer, he's clearly not turkish.
No, I'm not turkish, Detective no car.
Uh, but my step-grandfather, who came from the salt mines of Turkey and raised me in the proud traditions of his people, was, and I changed my name to the one you just said to honor his dead spirit.
Okay, officer, he's clearly lying.
la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
Sir? Whirling dervish In your face! You're under arrest.
Anything you say, may be given in evidence.
On what charge? Dangerous driving.
- Oh, don't be silly.
- And resisting arrest And indecent exposure.
Indecent exposure? Your balls are falling out your lycra.
ah-- this isn't fair! ha-ha-ha.
No-- this isn't fair! Who's gonna see who in court, now? Not me! Okay, boss-- why don't you let me drive from now on? My eyes are feeling better.
That's a good idea.
I'm gettin' dizzy-- hello? Brent Wilts: Margaret, what the fuck are you doing answering the phone? Why the fuck aren't you selling Thunder Muscle? Or do you want Mountford to rip off my fucking balls and shove them up your ass? I am selling Thunder Muscle.
I'm on my way to Leeds, right now, uh, to clench a big deal.
What are we talking? Uh, what are we talking? Four hundred and seventy thousand dollars.
Four hundred-- wow, really? Four hundred? What the fuck are you talking about? What are doing, busking? no-no-no-no, $470,000.
Really-- that's actually the exact amount we need.
Hello-- is anybody there? The ghost of your dead dad, He's come back.
Gotta get these little Angels to a better place.
And the children.
They need new souls.
There's no way to turn this thing off or down or-- No, I like it.
Yeah, open your mind.
Give it a chance.
It's like rap.
Are you hungry, because I am starving.
I-I know this great, little Place in Hurt-ford-shire.
Hertfordshire? No-no-no-- uh, La Molecule.
It's this great little, uh, mom and pop, uh, Gastro-intestinal, uh-- Todd, I really don't think we have the time.
Dave, come on.
I'm telling you.
This place is so Open for lun and dinner, okay? Uh, no dogs allowed, Except for glide dogs.
Guide dogs.
All right, I'll just be a minute-- are you the one allergic to nuts? Just hurry up-- we got a lot of important meetings.
I know.
Oh! God, who the hell do I know in Leeds? hello, chairman here.
David Mountford here.
- Dave who? - Mountford, As in D.
M.
Global sports.
Oh, hello, sir.
What can I do for you? A meeting this afternoon, an american name of Todd Margaret, half three, sharp.
But the match starts at 3:00.
Excellent.
We'll make it 3 o'clock, then.
- but-- - just do it-- and I'll have my usual set-up in the owner's box-- thank you.
yes, sir.
Awful.
This is the Hitler of soups.
Here we go, again.
All right, everybody, reset.
hello-hello-hello- hello-hello-hello.
- My name's Todd Margaret.
- Sorry, I'm busy.
Well, uh, I've got a friend who is a big fan of yours and an awesome cook, and her ultimate dream of dreams is to work alongside you and one day open up her own science restaurant.
I'm not interested-- Thank you.
let me finish.
.
I really like her, and this would Help me get back in with her.
Good-bye.
Here's the finish.
She's very sick.
Well, if she's got a disease, uh, she can't be near food preparation.
Right.
well, we're in luck, because she's retarded, So not contagious.
And she's dying-- she's dying from the retard Ation.
What? Yeah, it's tragic.
Um She's only got a couple days left to live.
Oh, dear god! Uh, or not, or more, probably more, four, at least four, five.
Let's say five.
Five days to live.
Yeah, poor thing.
It would just kill her, if she found out.
Oh, not that anyone would or should discuss it or my name-- shouldn't even mention my name.
Um, yeah, innocent, little lamb.
Why? I don't know-- karma? Anyway, that's why I'm here.
I'm from the Death Wish Foundation, and we make dreams come true for dying, retarded women.
No.
Okay, look.
I-I will not get hurt, again.
Well? The good news is, it worked.
We were able to isolate the compound and age the parmesan an extra 600 years in a matter of seconds.
Fantastic.
This is just what we need for my cheese inhalers I'll be Serving at Her Majesty's Garden party.
Bad news is, the website we got it from, Clancy's Internet Sensations, Has been shut by the U.
N.
Security Council.
This is our very last can.
Not necessarily.
Let's talk.
Dave: Where's my lunch? Todd: Forget lunch.
The molecule has just taken on a truck full of Thunder Muscle.
That's amazing.
How much did you get for it? Oh, god, you're such a nag.
Come on-- this is small potatoes.
We're about to make a huge deal, which you need to brief me on.
All right, hit me.
Fine-- right-- well, My great uncle is on the board of the Leeds Lionhearts-- Got it, Lionhearts.
Their beverage contract Is up for renewal.
So, I pulled in a massive favor and got you a meeting with the chairman.
Wow! He said, "no," at first, but when I told him that you was yorkshire, born and bred, he was like, "oh, yeah! "whatever he wants.
" You know what your lot's like.
That's us.
Desk clerk: Piccadilly hotel.
Wilts: Hi-- can I get a room number for Doug Whitney? I'm his best friend.
I'm afraid we can't give out that information, Mr.
Wilts.
Piccadilly hotel.
Hi-- I'm Doug Whitney.
I'm a guest at the hotel.
I forgot my room number.
Can you remind me? I still can't give out that information over the phone, Mr.
Wilts.
No, I'm not Wilts.
I'm Doug Whitney, please? I really need my room number.
I'm so desperate and whiney.
Well, why don't you come to the front desk, And we'll give you another key? I can't because I pooed my pants, again.
Well, why don't you simply look outside your front door, and then you'll see the room number attached to it? Piccadilly hotel.
Please don't slam our phones down, mr.
Wilts-- if you'd like To speak to mr.
Whitney, he's just behind you.
There he is.
There's my best friend! Doug Whitney: Mr.
Wilts, what are you doing here? when last we met, we jousted, And I bested you.
Now, accept your defeat.
Come on, buddy.
No-- you are a prize pig of a man.
Look, I may have said something that sounds like you took the wrong way.
You said that I was an abortion that wouldn't go away.
You're tenacious is all I meant.
You used foul language at me, repeatedly.
Well, let's not get into who called you a fuck-tard.
I don't even remember.
I don't even know how to use that word, f-- All right, calm down.
Calm down, calm down.
Calm down, calm down.
I am going to hire you back.
Excuse me, mr.
Wilts.
You have no position at the company-- the company itself is a shell company.
Look, I know there is some Weird shit going on, right now, that makes less sense than Helen Keller and "Tommy" combined, but remember that guy, Mountford, I mentioned? Yeah.
I don't know exactly how, but I think this whole thing is a scam, and Mountford is behind it-- look, he's playing us both for suckers-- You and I both need to find Mountford.
hmm Well, I do perceive here a divided duty.
"Othello," act one, scene three.
Yeah.
On one hand, I loathe spending a moment with you.
On the other hand, if there's one thing Doug Whitney doesn't like, it's-- pussy? No-- loose ends.
That's what I said.
Look, you just need to help me find Mountford.
I'll get my job back, and I will hire you back at double your salary.
Mr.
Wilts, I-- No, let me finish With your own parking spot.
I don't have a car.
If you can check me out of room 405.
And a batmobile.
I'll buy you a batmobile.
well, I guess, I-I do have an obligation to finish the case we started.
Yes-- you will not regret this, Whitney, Doug-las, Holmes.
I'll explain everything I know, once we get upstairs and I have a quick pank in the room.
That's a poo and a wank.
You nervous? No-- nervous? Oh, you should be.
It's Yorkshire-- you're about to deal with the toughest, most insular, intolerant, and violent people in Europe.
They-they are? I-I am.
Well, like I said, it's a good job you're from here, isn't it? Yeah-- now, about that-- I mean, I probably don't even have to tell you that outsiders aren't welcome.
Yeah.
So many out-of-town businesses have failed here.
In fact, only just last week, A representative from an unmentionable american beer company was found dead in a field with his heart ripped out and on his forehead, they wrote in lipstick "welcome to the world of AIDS.
" Good to be home, though, eh? Hey-hey-hey-- stop the truck! Right, Yorkshire Tourism emporium, is it? Alice: Oh, my God, Hudson! I just got off the phone from the Molecule.
How did you? I can't believe it.
They want me to do a try act this Saturday.
Hey, why don't you come down and meet me afterwards, and I can thank you in person? That would be great.
I'm so excited-- bye! Man, there are a lot of people here for this meeting.
No, they're here for the rugby match.
Oh, rugby, cool.
I love horses.
So, you ready then, boss? Yeah-- let's do this.
Okay-- ah-ah-ah, Butterscotch, this isn't for you.
Oh, these yorkshire puddings are good A bit rich but-- Don't forget your Yorkshire bitter.
thank you, very much.
No, that's not that bad.
Butterscotch, you ready to do this? Let's go.
Dave: If you get this, you've got the north of England in the bag-- now, you've got another meeting across town in 47 minutes.
That deal is even bigger, so you better be quick.
But I know how much pressure You're under, so I'm not even gonna bring that up.
Todd: But you just did bring it up.
No-no, Todd, listen to what I'm saying-- I'm not bringing it up-- I wouldn't.
I know you're scared and nervous-- I would be, too.
Now, get in there! Well, wait.
You're not coming in? Oh, no-no-no.
I'm way too scared.
I'm not from Yorkshire.
God only knows what they'd do to me-- Time's ticking, eh? Don't knock-- just go in.
No dogs allowed! Mike Micklethwaite, top chairman-- you must be, Uh, Todd Margaret.
Yes-- it is a pleasure.
Um, uh, before we, uh, get started, and I talk about Thunder Muscle, I just wanted to Let everyone here know-- Guess what? I'm from Yorkshire me self.
Anywhoosles, okay.
So, here's the thing about Thunder Mu-- Whoa-- what was-- Somebody step on a duck? Ha-ha-- uh, probably not The best way to start off a meeting, letting one rip.
I apologize for that.
A bit embarrassing but, you know, it's probably all this delicious Yorkshire pudding and Yorkshire bitter I-I eat all the time to remind me of where I'm from, From whence I came that I miss so terribly.
The green hills of Yorkshire.
Um, okay.
I'm so sorry.
I let another one rip.
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
Here's the thing-- I-I just, uh, let's be honest.
It's typical yorkshire behavior, right? I mean, you know, just rippin' 'em up and down.
You know, that's-that's us, right, guys? Just, you know, a little Just call me the Yorkshire ripper.
Now, pudding I usually have, so it's coming out, and I'm sorry.
Uh, stay away for your own safety, madam.
They're silent but deadly.
Hmm-- the yorkshire ripper's silent but deadly.
Lock up your daughters.
No-- okay, come on.
You're exaggerating.
They don't smell that bad.
it's not that, you doozy gobshag! The Yorkshire ripper was a mass murderer.
He attacked and killed thirteen young lassies around here! It's not funny! What are you laughing at? No, here's what's funny.
S-seriously, I-I, um, just this morning, I was telling another beautiful, young woman, Uh, that, uh, I'm not a rapist.
So, you can see-- I said, "I'm not a rapist.
" Do we-- I have to do this twice in one day? Not a rapist, not-- negative.
Women, woo-hoo, woo-hoo.
Rah-rah-rah-rah, my period.
Terrific to meet you.
That was quick.
Yeah-yeah-- you know, They're not exactly the right people to talk to.
I should talk to somebody in management, I think.
Oh, you wanna speak to the manager? Yeah-yeah.
Well, that'd be Johnny Barnpot.
Okay, yeah, he-he's a player, right-- he-- Yeah, he's a real player.
Yeah-- he's probably still In the changing rooms.
You gotta hurry up, though.
- Dave? - Can't come-- not from Leeds.
Remember, the next meeting is in 30 minutes.
Hello-hello-hello.
I'm Todd Margaret.
Fuck off! Oh, I'm looking for Johnny Barnpot.
Fuck right off.
okay, I-- Hi-- I'm looking for Johnny bar-- jeez, you guys Are gonna get crucified.
Mascots, you dick.
Walk out at the start with the players start, don't they? They hold hands and shit.
I'm sorry-- who are you? I'm Lionel T.
Lion.
I got out there and twitter about.
You know, keep folks' spirits up when losing.
Interesting.
Humiliating, though, isn't it? I mean, I don't know-- Doug: But wait.
Why do you have to live in my hotel room? Wilts: Hang on! Yeah-- oh, nailed it! Uh, 'cause there's a ghost haunting the company apartment.
Ha-ha-- wait.
You're afraid of ghosts? That's absurd.
What's there to be afraid of? They're lazy, genetically inferior.
I mean, yes, they're better athletes and often-- Just help me Mountford, and we can't get out of here, all right? This is rich.
Big, bad, sexy Brent Wilts is afraid of a little ghost.
Hey, no-- come on.
No-- okay, no more horsing around.
Let's get serious-- okay.
Tell me everything you know about Mr.
Mountford.
I told you.
I've never met the guy.
It's always been phone conversations.
All right, but when you first arrived in London, how hid he get in contact with you? Hi.
Brent Wilts from America.
I'm, uh, checking in.
- Whoo! - What the-- Dave: Well, I'll tell you what we brits go shithouse for is energy drinks.
That's right.
Can't get enough of them.
And there's this great, new brand out of North Korea called "Thunder Muscle.
" That's right, Thunder Muscle.
Check it out-- okay, great.
All right-- I'll see you when you get here.
Mr.
Wilts, it seems Mr.
Mountford has cancelled the meeting, but he is very much looking forward to hearing about your upcoming trip to Portland, And that you have the authority to hire and fire, as you see fit.
He also suggests you enjoy some vindaloo while here In London-- also, this was left here for you.
Thank you.
Can I still stay here? Oh, yeah-- the room has been paid for, Mr.
Wilts.
Yeah, it's all I really remember, that the front desk Chick had great blow-job tits.
So, that's it? Mountford wasn't there, and you got a cd-- you're useless.
You're useless.
I tell you a great story about some blow-job tits, and all you are about are stupid details.
Oh, look out.
Here comes Lionel T.
Lion.
He's looking a bit friskier than normal.
Here come the Leeds Lionhearts! Everybody make some noise! How bloody old are you, mate? I'm this many.
Are you Johnny Barnpot? No, you duffle.
That's him over there.
Mr.
Barnpot-- Mr.
Barnpot! Hi-- I'm Todd Margaret with Thunder Muscle.
I know you guys are thinkin' about exclusively sellin it here.
I just wonder-- If I can talk to you and gather the rest of your team talk to them, and-- I just need an asnwer in about Ehi kid, get off the pit.
The game is about to start! - Go on, clear of.
- Sorry.
- Go on, clear off! - Right, all right sorry! Sorry! Jhonny! Johnny Barnpot? Me? Come out there? You're having your meeting? Ok.
- Right.
Ok.
You guys are gonna like this.
Thunder Muscle, ah, well-- That don't work as harrasment, ok.
Listen, Thunder Muscle is an awesome energy drink you guys-- Oh, yeah, you too, you guys can be absolutly too-- Yeah, get in here, Thunder Muscle.
Awesome new energy drink you guys have to-- Hold on! Oh- Oh- Oh.
Oh, Jesus! Aahhh, ohhh- Oh! Ahhhh- aahhh- I told you I like horses-- Where am I? You're back home.
In the hospital in Leeds where you grow up.
You was under age, but I insisted they drive you here.
Though you gonna be surrounded by people you know.
Oh.
Thanks, Dave.
You're a good friend.
I am.