The Kominsky Method (2018) s02e02 Episode Script
Chapter 10. An Old Flame, an Old Wick
1 [TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BIRDS CALLING.]
[MONKEYS SCREECHING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello, ex-husband.
Hello, ex-wife.
How's it going? Oh, you know.
Every day without you is a day filled with sunshine and lollipops.
Yeah, same here.
Did I ever tell you, after the divorce, that my hair stopped falling out? [CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
Your hair was the only thing about you worth saving.
Mm.
How did I not put a pillow over your head when I had the chance? [LAUGHS.]
You didn't have the balls.
What do you want? Well, something came up with Mindy.
- Is she all right? - Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
What's goin' on? I'm not sure if you know this or not, but your daughter has got herself mixed up with a guy that's, like, twice her age.
Oh, that! Yeah, of course I know.
Say "Aah.
" Say what? - Aaah - Not talking to you.
Wait, she told you? When did she tell you? Oh, I don't know.
About a year ago.
You've known about this for a year? Did you ever think about telling me? Mm No, never crossed my mind.
So what exactly is your concern? What do you mean, "What is my concern?" The guy is, like, an old man.
So are you.
Never stopped you from dating younger women.
This is different.
How so? This is my daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah! You're such a hypocrite.
Tell me something I don't know.
Have you met him yet? No, I'm supposed to have dinner with them tonight.
Well, then, relax.
He's a terrific guy.
You've met him? Uh-huh.
Martin Schneider.
Absolutely adores Mindy.
Wait a minute.
You've known about this for a year and you've met the guy? Look at you connecting the dots.
See, I can't believe she waited so long to tell me.
Maybe your daughter doesn't trust you with her personal affairs.
Hey, she trusts me, all right? We're close.
We're closer than ever.
But she didn't tell you about her boyfriend.
Does that hurt? A little bit.
Yeah.
So this does not creep you out at all? No.
Actually, I'm kind of surprised.
You're being so old-fashioned.
Hey, I'm not old-fashioned! Matter of fact, a lot of the kids here at my class say that I'm very, uh "woke.
" [LAUGHS.]
Uh-huh.
That's right.
You're talking to a man who's got no problem droppin' a deuce in a gender-neutral bathroom.
Oh, thank you for that lovely image.
You're welcome.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Sandy, you can't control her life.
All you can do is be there for her without judgment.
I know that! You don't think I know that? I just don't want my kid to get hurt.
If she's not thinking ahead, a couple of years from now, she'll be changing this guy's diapers.
Your real concern should be who's gonna change your diapers.
Says the woman who pees when she laughs.
Your mother warned me not to marry you.
Said you were a lying, cheating scumbag just like your old man.
You are the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
Back at you, fucko.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[GIGGLES.]
[WHINNYING.]
I don't recall him being this big.
You told me you were comfortable around horses.
I'm comfortable betting on them.
Well, you can't turn back now.
You bought the outfit.
That's another thing.
This was a fun idea in the store, but I look like Howdy Doody, the later years.
You look great! There's nothing to worry about.
Nancy's a very old and gentle horse.
I'm old and gentle.
See what happens if you try to climb on my back.
Seriously, I would bite you.
Well, just give it a try, okay? - Louis and Vincent will help you up.
- I don't need any help.
Uh [GRUNTS.]
Oof! Uh [HORSE SNORTS.]
Lord! [HORSE WHINNIES.]
Louis, Vincent, a little help.
[NEIGHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Now what? - Just pick up the reins.
And now we go for a nice leisurely ride.
Be sure and put that on my tombstone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, just give her a little kick.
A kick? Yeah, a kick.
- You want me to kick the horse? - Yeah, I do.
Nancy, I apologize in advance.
[NEIGHING.]
Aah! Is there a turn signal on this thing? [MADELYN LAUGHS.]
ACCENT.]
I feel compelled to check the lower 40 for stray cattle.
[MADELYN LAUGHS.]
[NORMAN.]
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
I'm so glad you made the drive up here.
- Me too.
- Mm.
Thank you for the invite.
- Can I share something with you? - Of course.
My ass is killing me.
What ass? You don't have an ass.
What are you talking about? I happen to have a very substantial booty.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- Chicken Marsala okay for tonight? - Hang on, let me just Hey, remind me to tell you about Beta-Sitosterol.
Beta-what? Sitosterol.
It's a natural prostate supplement.
Uh-huh.
And you know about this how? Well, I I told Martin you were having some problems down there, and he recommended it.
Really? So then I assume that your fella's got similar problems down there.
Yes, Dad.
My fella does.
He swears by the supplement.
Says it really helps him from having to get up a lot during the night.
Okay.
Well, please thank him for me and I'll look into it.
Or you can thank him yourself.
Sure, but not while we're eating.
That's when we'll talk about walk-in bathtubs.
By the way, you tell your mother about your personal life and you don't tell me.
That hurts my feelings.
- Oh, come on, Dad.
- No, no.
No.
That's all I have to say on the subject.
[JUDE.]
Uh Gonna need a minute! Hm.
- God damn it! - Where are you going? To use that fucking gender-neutral bathroom at Café Gratitude.
Strange, isn't it? Well, it's strange and and wonderful.
It's like no time has passed, we're just continuing a conversation that we started 50 years ago.
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot - What? - The longest ellipsis in history.
[DUCKS QUACKING.]
In the meantime, you had a good life? Yeah, very good.
Ah.
And you? Can't complain.
Well, actually that's not true, um Christopher was sick for a very long time.
My Eileen went through the same thing.
I didn't think there was any more happiness left for me.
I know how you feel.
Some cowboys we are.
Weepin' on the ol' prairie.
So, these ducks.
Are they migratory or do they just live here? You know, indigenous? - [MADELYN CHUCKLES.]
- I have a question for you.
Hm? What? How am I gonna get back on that fucking horse? [SIGHS.]
Way to go, Mindy.
Couldn't pick a rich guy.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sandy, welcome! Hi.
Hi! I'm Martin.
Please, come in! Whew! Nice car.
- Uh I brought a chardonnay - Oh! - Great, thank you.
- It's from Washington State.
The checkout guy at Trader Joe's said it's pretty good.
Cool.
You ever need a single malt, I got a bag boy at Costco.
Kid's a bit of an alkie, but, uh really knows his stuff.
- Cool.
- Yes.
Hey, Dad.
Be right there.
Take your time.
Hm.
I like your home.
It's, uh It's very cozy.
Uh Thank you.
Yeah.
Kind of Really kinda let it go in the last couple of years, but your daughter's really helped me zhuzh it up again.
- Yes, so the throw pillows - Throw pillows, her.
- Candles - Candles are mine.
- I make them.
- Oh.
I'm an artsy-craftsy kind of guy.
Got a potter's wheel in the garage.
- Ah.
- Hey, you ever need a vase, don't be shy.
That's good to know.
Yeah.
- What do you say we open this sucker up? - Sounds good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
[MEOWING.]
Oh, she brought her cats.
No, actually the The big, fat white one is mine.
- Hm.
- Name's Whitey.
I have to be so careful when I call him.
[CHUCKLES.]
How long have you been here? Uh, let's see, rented for a few years and then bought the place in 1986.
1986.
[CHUCKLES.]
That was the year Mindy was born.
Whew.
- Sorry.
- No, no.
Don't be silly.
- It's weird.
- Very weird.
Holy fuck, is it weird.
[SNORTS.]
In all seriousness, Sandy, I I wasn't looking for this.
- It just happened.
- Yeah, that's what shit does.
It happens.
Shit happens.
Mindy actually made the first move.
I would never be bold enough to ask out a woman half my age.
That does take a set of balls.
And not the kind that get all twisted if you sit funny.
Never, huh? Just me.
Okay.
All right.
What's in all the boxes? Oh! Those are books.
I wrote a book.
No kidding? Congratulations.
What's it about? It's a young adult novel about an awkward teenager who's hitting puberty right in the middle of the Cuban missile crisis, 1962.
Is it autobiographical? Except for the part where he sleeps with his cousin.
My cousin, I just felt up a little.
[LAUGHS.]
Who published it? Uh I did.
- Okay.
- You want one? Sure, yeah, thank you, yeah.
Take 20.
Makes a great stocking stuffer.
- Everybody getting along? - [MARTIN.]
You bet.
Oh, yeah, just great.
Here we go, Sandy.
- Thank you.
- And that's for you, sweetie.
Thank you, honey.
I see you've got a copy of Autumn for Epstein.
Yeah, I I got a few.
Hey, you never told me how the two of you met.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
It was really romantic.
We met at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena at a book signing.
Nice.
For your book? Uh, no.
Uh, Jonathan Franzen.
Oh, yeah, he's a good writer.
Okay, he's fine.
- Uh, how about a little toast? - Oh.
Uh To my sassy lady.
Sassy? Really? - What's wrong with sassy? - Yeah, it's a good word.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, no.
Well, never mind.
It's fine.
Sassy.
To my sassy lady, I love you more than words can say.
- Ugh.
You're such a cornball.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Isn't he a cornball? I love you too.
And to Sandy, in the words of Rick Blaine, I hope this is the beginning - of a beautiful friendship.
- Aww.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Hm.
- Huh.
- Who's Rick Blaine? Humphrey Bogart.
Oh.
Sure.
He's dead, right? Oh, yeah.
Very much so.
- Let's eat.
- Yeah.
So, Martin, I hear you met Mindy's mom.
Oh, yes.
[OWL HOOTING.]
Fish okay? Not too dry? No, everything's delicious.
Thank you.
How's the tush? You know I actually think it's angry with me as if I've betrayed it by bouncing up and down on Nancy.
Does protocol dictate now that I inquire about your tush? Oh Only if you're concerned.
You know I believe I am.
It's fine.
Thank you for asking.
Good! Please send my regards.
Maybe you should send them yourself.
Um [COUGHS.]
I - [MUMBLES.]
- Mm.
- Uhhhh [COUGHS.]
- Hm.
[SNORTS.]
So Mindy tells me that you recently retired.
Yep.
I taught English and history in LA's-school system, 38 years.
- Whoa.
You must've really loved it.
- You'd think.
Oh Come on! One of his students is a state senator.
And another one is a CEO for a Fortune 500 company.
And don't forget one prize student currently on death row in Texas.
How is your chicken Marsala? - It's great! - It's not too garlicky? - I like it spicy.
- Me too, but always seem to pay the price afterwards.
One Prilosec, two Tums and a pillow that elevates your shoulders while you're sleeping.
- Really? - Trust me.
[CHUCKLES.]
- A-ha! - Hm.
Now what's the deal with this beta, uh sister-solay Beta-Sitosterol.
It's an over-the-counter supplement.
It's a little sketchy, but seems to help with the Sorry for this.
Emptying the bladder once a night instead of four times.
- Four times? I wish it was four times.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Well, give it a try.
It's that or I sleep with my ass in a salad bowl.
[MARTIN LAUGHS.]
Well, isn't this nice? You two have something in common.
- Yeah.
We're both fallin' apart.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, boy.
Remember, uh Walter Brennan? - Sure.
- Sometimes, I look in the mirror and that that's who I see.
- "Somebody get the sheriff!" - [LAUGHS.]
"The Dalton Gang's back in town.
" Hey, you know who this is? "Good night, Mrs.
Calabash, wherever you are.
" - Ha-ha! Jimmy Durante! - Bingo! - Aah! - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You don't know who Jimmy Durante is, do you? - Is he dead too, or - They're all dead.
[SANDY CHUCKLES.]
So much in common.
Hm! Okay, well, uh Thank you, uh, for a really lovely evening.
You are very welcome.
So, yes.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, uh, if you need anything, I'm I'm not far.
I'm just down the hall.
Okey-dokey.
Anything at all.
Right-o.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, good night.
[SIGHS.]
Good night.
Fuckin' crazy.
[GROANS.]
Whoa! Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa.
You were actually there when they won the World Series? Shea Stadium, October 16th, 1969.
I was sitting in the bleachers with my dad.
Unbelievable.
Miracle Mets! Greatest day of my life! [CHUCKLES.]
Next to when Mindy was born.
- Thanks.
- Oh, my God.
All right, I got one for you.
I was at Woodstock.
- No! - All four days.
Lot of drugs, a lot of mud.
Remember Hendrix? - "The Star-Spangled Banner"? - Of course.
Yeah, I missed it.
I was so high, I couldn't get out of the Porta-Potty.
- I swear to God.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
Ah! Excuse me.
Sorry, I gotta take this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- [LAUGHING.]
This is fun, huh? Yeah, what's up? - [NORMAN.]
Sandy.
- Yeah.
What's up? It's Norman.
I got it.
What's up? - I'm in Santa Barbara.
- Okay.
- With Madelyn.
- Keep goin'.
I think she expects me to have sex with her tonight.
Congratulations! No, no congratulations! I haven't had sex with anybody but Eileen in 46 no, 47 years! - [SIGHS.]
Norman, we've talked about this.
- [MEOWS.]
What do you think Uh, scratch that.
What do you know Eileen most wanted for you? To be happy.
Okay, then.
It seems to me that in order to honor the wishes of your deceased wife, you have no choice but to fuck your old girlfriend.
Don't be crude.
Don't be a prig.
What if I can't? Who the hell knows if the plumbing still works anymore? It's probably rusted shut.
Okay, all all right.
Well, the plumbing is a different subject.
Now Miss Madelyn, she seems quite fond of you, am I right? I would say so, yes.
- She's an attractive woman.
- Very.
And I take it, with homes in New York, in London, in Santa Barbara, she can be considered quite well-to-do.
Sandy, I would give you a number, but you would leap to your death.
So, given everything that we know about Madelyn, does she need to hunt down someone like you in order to get laid? Um I would say no, she could probably, almost certainly do better.
I would agree.
- Still the thought of disappointing her - Norman, uh, you once told me that the first lesson an agent has to learn is that the truth is a good fallback position.
So instead of freaking yourself out, why not try that with Madelyn? You mean tell her I'm insecure about my ability to perform? What kind of a man tells a woman that? [SIGHS.]
An 80-year-old man who's at peace with himself, who's had more than his share of fornicating and has nothing left to prove.
Good point.
What do I have to prove? You have thrust your dagger enough for ten men.
It's more of a sword than a dagger.
If you say so.
And it's probably better than what I was planning.
Which was? Wait till she's asleep, then drive out to the desert where I vanish, never to be seen or heard from again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's stick a pin in that one, all right? Listen, I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait! How's it going with the geriatric boyfriend? I actually like the guy.
Well, that's nice.
More than me? No, you? You'll always be my first love.
Good.
Remember, ride the horse in the direction it is going.
Already did that.
You know you have to kick it first? [SIGHS.]
Good night, Norman.
I'm confused because I thought you wanted us to get along.
Yeah.
Get along.
Not be bosom fucking buddies.
Okay, you know what? When he comes back, I'll be a prick to him.
Hey, Marty.
You want to blow a joint? Do I? [PHONE RINGING.]
Norman.
It's been a long time since I've been with anybody other than Eileen, and we had a we had a very specific routine worked out.
Okay.
Also, you know, I'm 80 years old and there's that.
My darling, I don't care if anything happens.
I just want to be with you.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
Norman? Norman? Oh! Is it okay if I sleep on the right side of the bed? Uh Jeez, I don't know.
That's That's where I sleep.
Well, you better think it over.
It's kind of a deal breaker.
Boy, you drive a hard bargain.
And don't say "hard.
" [LAUGHS.]
I guess I'll try.
- I think I'm gonna cry again.
- [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Me too.
[BIRDS CALLING.]
[MONKEYS SCREECHING.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hello, ex-husband.
Hello, ex-wife.
How's it going? Oh, you know.
Every day without you is a day filled with sunshine and lollipops.
Yeah, same here.
Did I ever tell you, after the divorce, that my hair stopped falling out? [CHUCKLES.]
That's good.
Your hair was the only thing about you worth saving.
Mm.
How did I not put a pillow over your head when I had the chance? [LAUGHS.]
You didn't have the balls.
What do you want? Well, something came up with Mindy.
- Is she all right? - Yeah, yeah, she's fine.
What's goin' on? I'm not sure if you know this or not, but your daughter has got herself mixed up with a guy that's, like, twice her age.
Oh, that! Yeah, of course I know.
Say "Aah.
" Say what? - Aaah - Not talking to you.
Wait, she told you? When did she tell you? Oh, I don't know.
About a year ago.
You've known about this for a year? Did you ever think about telling me? Mm No, never crossed my mind.
So what exactly is your concern? What do you mean, "What is my concern?" The guy is, like, an old man.
So are you.
Never stopped you from dating younger women.
This is different.
How so? This is my daughter.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah! You're such a hypocrite.
Tell me something I don't know.
Have you met him yet? No, I'm supposed to have dinner with them tonight.
Well, then, relax.
He's a terrific guy.
You've met him? Uh-huh.
Martin Schneider.
Absolutely adores Mindy.
Wait a minute.
You've known about this for a year and you've met the guy? Look at you connecting the dots.
See, I can't believe she waited so long to tell me.
Maybe your daughter doesn't trust you with her personal affairs.
Hey, she trusts me, all right? We're close.
We're closer than ever.
But she didn't tell you about her boyfriend.
Does that hurt? A little bit.
Yeah.
So this does not creep you out at all? No.
Actually, I'm kind of surprised.
You're being so old-fashioned.
Hey, I'm not old-fashioned! Matter of fact, a lot of the kids here at my class say that I'm very, uh "woke.
" [LAUGHS.]
Uh-huh.
That's right.
You're talking to a man who's got no problem droppin' a deuce in a gender-neutral bathroom.
Oh, thank you for that lovely image.
You're welcome.
[SIGHS.]
Look, Sandy, you can't control her life.
All you can do is be there for her without judgment.
I know that! You don't think I know that? I just don't want my kid to get hurt.
If she's not thinking ahead, a couple of years from now, she'll be changing this guy's diapers.
Your real concern should be who's gonna change your diapers.
Says the woman who pees when she laughs.
Your mother warned me not to marry you.
Said you were a lying, cheating scumbag just like your old man.
You are the worst mistake I ever made in my life.
Back at you, fucko.
[SPEAKING SPANISH.]
[GIGGLES.]
[WHINNYING.]
I don't recall him being this big.
You told me you were comfortable around horses.
I'm comfortable betting on them.
Well, you can't turn back now.
You bought the outfit.
That's another thing.
This was a fun idea in the store, but I look like Howdy Doody, the later years.
You look great! There's nothing to worry about.
Nancy's a very old and gentle horse.
I'm old and gentle.
See what happens if you try to climb on my back.
Seriously, I would bite you.
Well, just give it a try, okay? - Louis and Vincent will help you up.
- I don't need any help.
Uh [GRUNTS.]
Oof! Uh [HORSE SNORTS.]
Lord! [HORSE WHINNIES.]
Louis, Vincent, a little help.
[NEIGHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Now what? - Just pick up the reins.
And now we go for a nice leisurely ride.
Be sure and put that on my tombstone.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, just give her a little kick.
A kick? Yeah, a kick.
- You want me to kick the horse? - Yeah, I do.
Nancy, I apologize in advance.
[NEIGHING.]
Aah! Is there a turn signal on this thing? [MADELYN LAUGHS.]
ACCENT.]
I feel compelled to check the lower 40 for stray cattle.
[MADELYN LAUGHS.]
[NORMAN.]
It's beautiful.
Yeah.
I'm so glad you made the drive up here.
- Me too.
- Mm.
Thank you for the invite.
- Can I share something with you? - Of course.
My ass is killing me.
What ass? You don't have an ass.
What are you talking about? I happen to have a very substantial booty.
[LAUGHS.]
[SIGHS.]
- Chicken Marsala okay for tonight? - Hang on, let me just Hey, remind me to tell you about Beta-Sitosterol.
Beta-what? Sitosterol.
It's a natural prostate supplement.
Uh-huh.
And you know about this how? Well, I I told Martin you were having some problems down there, and he recommended it.
Really? So then I assume that your fella's got similar problems down there.
Yes, Dad.
My fella does.
He swears by the supplement.
Says it really helps him from having to get up a lot during the night.
Okay.
Well, please thank him for me and I'll look into it.
Or you can thank him yourself.
Sure, but not while we're eating.
That's when we'll talk about walk-in bathtubs.
By the way, you tell your mother about your personal life and you don't tell me.
That hurts my feelings.
- Oh, come on, Dad.
- No, no.
No.
That's all I have to say on the subject.
[JUDE.]
Uh Gonna need a minute! Hm.
- God damn it! - Where are you going? To use that fucking gender-neutral bathroom at Café Gratitude.
Strange, isn't it? Well, it's strange and and wonderful.
It's like no time has passed, we're just continuing a conversation that we started 50 years ago.
Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot - What? - The longest ellipsis in history.
[DUCKS QUACKING.]
In the meantime, you had a good life? Yeah, very good.
Ah.
And you? Can't complain.
Well, actually that's not true, um Christopher was sick for a very long time.
My Eileen went through the same thing.
I didn't think there was any more happiness left for me.
I know how you feel.
Some cowboys we are.
Weepin' on the ol' prairie.
So, these ducks.
Are they migratory or do they just live here? You know, indigenous? - [MADELYN CHUCKLES.]
- I have a question for you.
Hm? What? How am I gonna get back on that fucking horse? [SIGHS.]
Way to go, Mindy.
Couldn't pick a rich guy.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sandy, welcome! Hi.
Hi! I'm Martin.
Please, come in! Whew! Nice car.
- Uh I brought a chardonnay - Oh! - Great, thank you.
- It's from Washington State.
The checkout guy at Trader Joe's said it's pretty good.
Cool.
You ever need a single malt, I got a bag boy at Costco.
Kid's a bit of an alkie, but, uh really knows his stuff.
- Cool.
- Yes.
Hey, Dad.
Be right there.
Take your time.
Hm.
I like your home.
It's, uh It's very cozy.
Uh Thank you.
Yeah.
Kind of Really kinda let it go in the last couple of years, but your daughter's really helped me zhuzh it up again.
- Yes, so the throw pillows - Throw pillows, her.
- Candles - Candles are mine.
- I make them.
- Oh.
I'm an artsy-craftsy kind of guy.
Got a potter's wheel in the garage.
- Ah.
- Hey, you ever need a vase, don't be shy.
That's good to know.
Yeah.
- What do you say we open this sucker up? - Sounds good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Okay.
[MEOWING.]
Oh, she brought her cats.
No, actually the The big, fat white one is mine.
- Hm.
- Name's Whitey.
I have to be so careful when I call him.
[CHUCKLES.]
How long have you been here? Uh, let's see, rented for a few years and then bought the place in 1986.
1986.
[CHUCKLES.]
That was the year Mindy was born.
Whew.
- Sorry.
- No, no.
Don't be silly.
- It's weird.
- Very weird.
Holy fuck, is it weird.
[SNORTS.]
In all seriousness, Sandy, I I wasn't looking for this.
- It just happened.
- Yeah, that's what shit does.
It happens.
Shit happens.
Mindy actually made the first move.
I would never be bold enough to ask out a woman half my age.
That does take a set of balls.
And not the kind that get all twisted if you sit funny.
Never, huh? Just me.
Okay.
All right.
What's in all the boxes? Oh! Those are books.
I wrote a book.
No kidding? Congratulations.
What's it about? It's a young adult novel about an awkward teenager who's hitting puberty right in the middle of the Cuban missile crisis, 1962.
Is it autobiographical? Except for the part where he sleeps with his cousin.
My cousin, I just felt up a little.
[LAUGHS.]
Who published it? Uh I did.
- Okay.
- You want one? Sure, yeah, thank you, yeah.
Take 20.
Makes a great stocking stuffer.
- Everybody getting along? - [MARTIN.]
You bet.
Oh, yeah, just great.
Here we go, Sandy.
- Thank you.
- And that's for you, sweetie.
Thank you, honey.
I see you've got a copy of Autumn for Epstein.
Yeah, I I got a few.
Hey, you never told me how the two of you met.
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
It was really romantic.
We met at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena at a book signing.
Nice.
For your book? Uh, no.
Uh, Jonathan Franzen.
Oh, yeah, he's a good writer.
Okay, he's fine.
- Uh, how about a little toast? - Oh.
Uh To my sassy lady.
Sassy? Really? - What's wrong with sassy? - Yeah, it's a good word.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, no.
Well, never mind.
It's fine.
Sassy.
To my sassy lady, I love you more than words can say.
- Ugh.
You're such a cornball.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Isn't he a cornball? I love you too.
And to Sandy, in the words of Rick Blaine, I hope this is the beginning - of a beautiful friendship.
- Aww.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Hm.
- Huh.
- Who's Rick Blaine? Humphrey Bogart.
Oh.
Sure.
He's dead, right? Oh, yeah.
Very much so.
- Let's eat.
- Yeah.
So, Martin, I hear you met Mindy's mom.
Oh, yes.
[OWL HOOTING.]
Fish okay? Not too dry? No, everything's delicious.
Thank you.
How's the tush? You know I actually think it's angry with me as if I've betrayed it by bouncing up and down on Nancy.
Does protocol dictate now that I inquire about your tush? Oh Only if you're concerned.
You know I believe I am.
It's fine.
Thank you for asking.
Good! Please send my regards.
Maybe you should send them yourself.
Um [COUGHS.]
I - [MUMBLES.]
- Mm.
- Uhhhh [COUGHS.]
- Hm.
[SNORTS.]
So Mindy tells me that you recently retired.
Yep.
I taught English and history in LA's-school system, 38 years.
- Whoa.
You must've really loved it.
- You'd think.
Oh Come on! One of his students is a state senator.
And another one is a CEO for a Fortune 500 company.
And don't forget one prize student currently on death row in Texas.
How is your chicken Marsala? - It's great! - It's not too garlicky? - I like it spicy.
- Me too, but always seem to pay the price afterwards.
One Prilosec, two Tums and a pillow that elevates your shoulders while you're sleeping.
- Really? - Trust me.
[CHUCKLES.]
- A-ha! - Hm.
Now what's the deal with this beta, uh sister-solay Beta-Sitosterol.
It's an over-the-counter supplement.
It's a little sketchy, but seems to help with the Sorry for this.
Emptying the bladder once a night instead of four times.
- Four times? I wish it was four times.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Well, give it a try.
It's that or I sleep with my ass in a salad bowl.
[MARTIN LAUGHS.]
Well, isn't this nice? You two have something in common.
- Yeah.
We're both fallin' apart.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, boy.
Remember, uh Walter Brennan? - Sure.
- Sometimes, I look in the mirror and that that's who I see.
- "Somebody get the sheriff!" - [LAUGHS.]
"The Dalton Gang's back in town.
" Hey, you know who this is? "Good night, Mrs.
Calabash, wherever you are.
" - Ha-ha! Jimmy Durante! - Bingo! - Aah! - [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You don't know who Jimmy Durante is, do you? - Is he dead too, or - They're all dead.
[SANDY CHUCKLES.]
So much in common.
Hm! Okay, well, uh Thank you, uh, for a really lovely evening.
You are very welcome.
So, yes.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Well, uh, if you need anything, I'm I'm not far.
I'm just down the hall.
Okey-dokey.
Anything at all.
Right-o.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, good night.
[SIGHS.]
Good night.
Fuckin' crazy.
[GROANS.]
Whoa! Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa.
You were actually there when they won the World Series? Shea Stadium, October 16th, 1969.
I was sitting in the bleachers with my dad.
Unbelievable.
Miracle Mets! Greatest day of my life! [CHUCKLES.]
Next to when Mindy was born.
- Thanks.
- Oh, my God.
All right, I got one for you.
I was at Woodstock.
- No! - All four days.
Lot of drugs, a lot of mud.
Remember Hendrix? - "The Star-Spangled Banner"? - Of course.
Yeah, I missed it.
I was so high, I couldn't get out of the Porta-Potty.
- I swear to God.
- [PHONE BUZZES.]
Ah! Excuse me.
Sorry, I gotta take this.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- [LAUGHING.]
This is fun, huh? Yeah, what's up? - [NORMAN.]
Sandy.
- Yeah.
What's up? It's Norman.
I got it.
What's up? - I'm in Santa Barbara.
- Okay.
- With Madelyn.
- Keep goin'.
I think she expects me to have sex with her tonight.
Congratulations! No, no congratulations! I haven't had sex with anybody but Eileen in 46 no, 47 years! - [SIGHS.]
Norman, we've talked about this.
- [MEOWS.]
What do you think Uh, scratch that.
What do you know Eileen most wanted for you? To be happy.
Okay, then.
It seems to me that in order to honor the wishes of your deceased wife, you have no choice but to fuck your old girlfriend.
Don't be crude.
Don't be a prig.
What if I can't? Who the hell knows if the plumbing still works anymore? It's probably rusted shut.
Okay, all all right.
Well, the plumbing is a different subject.
Now Miss Madelyn, she seems quite fond of you, am I right? I would say so, yes.
- She's an attractive woman.
- Very.
And I take it, with homes in New York, in London, in Santa Barbara, she can be considered quite well-to-do.
Sandy, I would give you a number, but you would leap to your death.
So, given everything that we know about Madelyn, does she need to hunt down someone like you in order to get laid? Um I would say no, she could probably, almost certainly do better.
I would agree.
- Still the thought of disappointing her - Norman, uh, you once told me that the first lesson an agent has to learn is that the truth is a good fallback position.
So instead of freaking yourself out, why not try that with Madelyn? You mean tell her I'm insecure about my ability to perform? What kind of a man tells a woman that? [SIGHS.]
An 80-year-old man who's at peace with himself, who's had more than his share of fornicating and has nothing left to prove.
Good point.
What do I have to prove? You have thrust your dagger enough for ten men.
It's more of a sword than a dagger.
If you say so.
And it's probably better than what I was planning.
Which was? Wait till she's asleep, then drive out to the desert where I vanish, never to be seen or heard from again.
[CHUCKLES.]
Let's stick a pin in that one, all right? Listen, I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait! How's it going with the geriatric boyfriend? I actually like the guy.
Well, that's nice.
More than me? No, you? You'll always be my first love.
Good.
Remember, ride the horse in the direction it is going.
Already did that.
You know you have to kick it first? [SIGHS.]
Good night, Norman.
I'm confused because I thought you wanted us to get along.
Yeah.
Get along.
Not be bosom fucking buddies.
Okay, you know what? When he comes back, I'll be a prick to him.
Hey, Marty.
You want to blow a joint? Do I? [PHONE RINGING.]
Norman.
It's been a long time since I've been with anybody other than Eileen, and we had a we had a very specific routine worked out.
Okay.
Also, you know, I'm 80 years old and there's that.
My darling, I don't care if anything happens.
I just want to be with you.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
Norman? Norman? Oh! Is it okay if I sleep on the right side of the bed? Uh Jeez, I don't know.
That's That's where I sleep.
Well, you better think it over.
It's kind of a deal breaker.
Boy, you drive a hard bargain.
And don't say "hard.
" [LAUGHS.]
I guess I'll try.
- I think I'm gonna cry again.
- [SIGHS.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Me too.