The Last Kids on Earth (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[static]
-[pop music playing]
-Like good food?
Like being popular?
Then come to Joe's Pizza,
where the popular kids eat good food.
Especially at the cool table
with the best view in the house.
See and be seen.
Joe's Pizza,
where you've never felt so wanted,
included,
popular, celebrated,
and don't forget the cool!
Mwah!
[Quint]
No Jacks or Quints allowed.
Just because it's the apocalypse
doesn't mean they're suddenly cool.
[theme music playing]
Whoa!
[all scream]
[faint music playing]
Welcome.
[electronic music playing
through speakers]
Ooh!
[overlapping monster chatter]
[monster chattering]
[monster laughing]
[June]
Can you believe this?
[Jack laughs] I know.
We're finally here!
This is where all the cool kids hung out!
Um, I meant the monsters.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-[squelching]
-Ah!
Are we about to get killed or eaten here?
"We," meaning "me"?
Whoa, whoa, hands off the human dork.
Go find a monster dork to
-[electric buzzing]
-What the?
[snuffling, buzzing]
You two! It is your turn!
[purrs]
[both] Phew!
[both grunting, straining]
[monster crying out]
[Skaelka]
Ha-ha-ha uh!
Ha ha! Skaelka is victorious!
You! Big pink flesh man!
Uhh, I guess that's me?
I challenge you! Choose.
Round of: "Arm Battle Face Smash"
-or "Who Decapitates Most Heads"?
-[Zapper snuffling]
Uhh, let me get back to you on that.
[groans]
[thumps, feedback]
My fellow monstrous beings.
Behold!
[flapping, hisses]
[Thrull] Humans!
[silence]
Dinner!
-Nope.
-Uh, not dinner,
but instead of eating us,
which sounds fun,
we could maybe be buddies?
Hi.
They are led by their chief captain, Jack.
Well, I don't know if I'd call myself
the chief captain.
More like the one with most team spirit.
Team being the operative word.
The human, Jack, has slain Kerzueal!
[monsters]
Oh! Ooh!
Yeah, we slayed Kerz-whatever.
Here we just call him Blarg.
Ha! This human's
far too small and unpopular
to slay Kerzueal!
Hey, big mouth! Listen! We
Oh, sorry, no offense.
Was just saying we totally did, though,
uh, with this.
-[whacks]
-[screams]
[monsters laugh]
-Oops.
-[Zapper sniffs]
It indeed has the smell of Kerzueal.
Thrull speaks the truth!
Yes! Jack is a hero!
[monsters murmuring]
Yeah, I'm totally digging
your impressed murmurs,
but it wasn't just me.
My friends here helped, too
[monsters chanting]
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack
Hey! Food for the hero!
You're gonna dig this.
It's my old lady's recipe. [laughs]
A feast fit for a slayer,
and his odd little flunkies.
-Flunkies?
-[laughs] All right!
-Pizza's here!
-[June, Quint, Dirk] Pizza!
[squelching]
Um, is that Chicago style?
[gags] That's not any style.
[boings]
Nah, not eatin' that.
I suggest less declining and more dining,
'cause I don't see you slogging away
over a stove, sweet cheeks.
[laughs] You wanna cook, big dude?
[Western music plays]
Let's cook real food.
Oh, this dimension is gonna be fun.
[Skaelka] Good!
-Ah! Victory makes Skaelka hungry.
-[Zapper groans]
[overlapping monster chatter]
So, great leader Jack,
when we go into battle,
we sing a ballad of triumph
and bone-crushing
that demoralizes all who might oppose us.
So, what is your battle song?
[whispering]
I bet he has an amazing battle song.
Ha! Alas, we do not have
Uh, yeah, we big-time have a battle song.
[screaming lead guitar riff plays]
A dark, mega heavy metal rock anthem!
Warning, it's gonna blow your
mind socks off!
-[clicks]
-Ha-ha!
-Dumpling, dumpling ♪
-[gasps]
-Snuggly cuddly dumpling ♪
-[laughs]
-Stretchy ball of dough ♪
-Unh!
You taste so good ♪
-I'd like some more ♪
-Huh?
I am not familiar
with the thing I'm hearing.
[gasps] I know! I know!
Dumpling means death!
[screams] It burns my listening holes!
I liked it!
[laughs] Nice anthem, Jack.
Wait, guys! That's not it!
Dumpling! Dumpling! ♪
-Snuggly cuddly dumpling ♪
-[powers down]
From now on, Jack's anthem, Dumpling,
will be sung on high!
-Huzzah!
-[monsters cheer]
Wait! No! I
Ahh. Never mind.
Hey! Drinks are on me! Ooh!
-[monsters cheer]
-[stampeding footsteps]
-[monsters whooping, laughing]
-[clinking glasses]
[chanting]
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
Come, Jack. Sit beside me
at this raised table of honor.
We must speak warrior to warrior.
[gasps] The cool table.
[Thrull]
You were the primary warrior, correct?
[Jack]
Well, I guess a lot of the slaying
was mostly me.
Yeah, if by you, you mean also us.
Hey! Wait up!
[monster muttering]
I'm in the middle
of the greatest story ever.
I gotta get some interviews!
Sir? Sirs? Ma'ams?
On the record,
why come here to Joe's Pizza?
It's like the tavern
we had back in our dimension.
-It's nothing like that, you bonehead.
-[slurping]
I like pizza.
It was the first place we congregated
as bounty hunters.
-And warriors.
-[slurping]
I like pizza.
OK, let's start with the easy stuff.
What's your name?
OK. Uh, where do you come from?
[scratches]
Hmm, maybe I'm not asking right.
What be thy name,
O large and terrifying creature?
[chef monster]
Yeah! That's right. Papa says dance!
Dude, what?
Are you talking to your dough?
Oh, yeah? Well, let's see how you wrangle
an oozing egg sac,
you two-armed flesh bag!
Hey, you have two arms, too.
That you know of.
[squeaking]
Pssh. You may know egg sacs,
but I know tossing dough.
Watch and learn.
-[whips]
-[gulps]
Come on, man. Not cool.
-[laughs]
-[whips]
[both] Ooh
Please, have a seat with us.
Quint! We're actually going to
sit at the cool table!
[gasps] It's just like I always imagined.
-Unh!
-[thud]
Ah, guess I'll just sit here. It's fine.
Jack, this is Nandrew, Bear, and Bayurok,
pronounced Bardle in your tongue.
He was a conjurer in our dimension.
He doesn't seem as friendly as the others.
Maybe that's just his face.
Yo, what up?
[shouting] That means hello!
I understood your meaning.
Oh. Dude, just say you speak human
next time. Geez.
So, uh, do you guys all come from,
like, the same neighborhood or?
That is a long tale.
[chuckles] Oh, never mind, then.
You don't have to
Bardle, tell Chief Captain Jack
the long tale of our journey
to this world.
[both] Ooh!
-[video game music]
-[machine revs up]
In our dimension,
there was a legend of Rezzoch the Ancient
from the time before time,
when great battles raged.
But after an age,
Rezzoch was defeated. Gone.
And for millennia, we lived in peace.
Until one of Rezzoch's evil servants
awakened her spirit.
Ah, crud.
It only takes one bad apple. Am I right?
Indeed. Only one.
Rezzoch was renewed,
and now wielded magic more powerful
than we had ever known.
In her long sleep, her hunger had grown.
At the peak of Rezzoch's power,
our world turned dark
and doors opened in the sky,
portals of energy.
We were drawn in.
The wild vines, the undead
who carry and spread the zombie plague,
all of us, in an instant,
through a thousand doors,
we arrived in your world.
Hey, yeah, I saw one of those
energy portal gate thingies at school.
Wait, did this Rezzoch dude
come through one of those too?
[slurping]
Is that him?!
You feeble-minded fool, no!
The doors closed
before she could come through.
We are fortunate to have escaped
Rezzoch's rule.
But now we are trapped
in this strange foreign world.
So, uh, are we safe from this Rezzoch?
For now.
And we owe you for defeating Blarg, Jack.
He was a servant of Rezzoch.
Happy to take care of it for you.
No biggie.
-Ooh! Ooh! Tell us about it!
-Ooh! Whoo-hoo!
Oh! Well, first, I was like,
"What's up, Too Ugly For Words?"
And Blarg played all tough,
you know, like Blargs do.
But then I fixed that sitch quick,
right, Quint?
You're forgetting the part where
Just Jack!
Why do you make us wait?
All right!
First, I went into battle mode.
It's a thing I do.
Uh, that's not quite how it happened
Ah! Mm!
Blarg didn't stand a chance.
[lightning crashes]
-Hah!
-[roars]
Ooh! Ooh! Did you crush his bones?
Duh! Almost all of 'em.
Did you laugh with delight?
Yep! Two times!
[laughs maniacally]
[laughs]
Did you make a stew out of him?
Man, you know I
Oh, uh, no, I didn't do the stew thing.
Hu-yah!
[explosion]
And I did it all by myself.
Yeah-ha-ha!
I have heard enough from the human.
What's the deal with Sir Sourpuss?
Pay no mind to Bardle,
for we must speak, you and I.
[video game sounds]
Did all your arms
make it to this dimension?
If not, how do you feel about that?
['video game noises]
Being filled with liquid
must have been difficult as a child.
-[whimpers]
-Tell me more.
-[sobbing]
-Oh! Sorry.
[laughs] Yeah?
Well, you're awful cocky
for a guy with more arms than taste buds.
-Eat that!
-Ah!
-Primitive human baby.
-[Dirk] Who are you calling baby, bud?
-[chef] One more word
-You're the one who's throwing stuff.
[Jack and Quint]
Ooh!
-[rumbling]
-[squelching]
Whoa!
Oh! A bestiary! Like ours!
Not like yours.
This is a true bestiary, from my world.
It is a gift for defeating Blarg.
Unfinished, and for you to fill.
This is, in your tongue,
the ultimate quest.
Ultimate quest!
For each creature in this book,
you must obtain its essence.
It could be a single hair,
a drop of sweat.
Each one is unique.
The book will show you
exactly what it needs.
Whoa! This is awesome, Thrull!
I promise we will crush this quest!
Thanks anyway, Thrull.
But, like I said earlier,
we already have our own,
with Jack's photos and my research.
Dude! This one comes
from actual monsters,
and it has, like, squashed eyeballs in it!
That makes it cooler!
Indeed.
-[scraping]
-[giggles]
This Rezzoch the others talk about,
how bad is he?
I mean, really?
Ohh, as bad as a Gorgaktu
turned inside out!
But with screaming forever!
[laughs] On fire!
OK. That bad, huh?
-[writing]
-"With screaming forever."
So, um, other than us,
have you seen any other humans?
Older ones?
Who kinda look like me?
No.
No one here has.
Darn.
While we talk of humans,
what of this Jack?
Why is he chief captain?
He's not our leader, he's our friend.
[chanting]
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
But you wouldn't know it
with the way he's acting.
Then why posture like one?
That's how boys are in this dimension,
kind of.
Jack's enjoying being
the center of attention, is all. I get it.
But he doesn't have to
throw us under the bus for it.
What I mean is, we're
well, I don't know what we are,
but Jack calls us a family.
I do not understand this word.
Monsters don't know what family is?
You know, uh,
what you turn to when you're in trouble.
Ah! Axe! Axe is family!
-[bangs]
-[rock giggles]
[sighs]
So, what did you do when Blarg
started crying like a fresh hatchling?
I showed no mercy!
I showed less than mercy.
I showed
negative zero mercy!
[roars]
And once I'd vanquished the beast,
I called down to my sidekicks,
"Saddle up, we ride."
[triumphant music]
[horse neighs]
-[Quint] Wait!
-[record scratch]
-Sidekick?!
-Umm
You know what?
Have fun with your new friends, Jack,
since you've become one of them.
A monster!
A fame monster!
Oh, you hear that?
The helpless one has declared it.
Jack is a monster! Just like us!
Nineteen cheers for Monster Jack!
-[monsters cheering]
-[laughs] Whoa!
-Whoa! Hey! OK!
-Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
-Yes! OK! That's enough!
-Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
-[Jack] Now, I'm getting sick!
-Huzzah! Huzzah!
[squeaks]
Hey, Quint! I got some interesting info
from some of these guys.
Well, here's a news flash for you,
Journalist June.
Jack just declared us his sidekicks!
What?!
[cheese wad blubbering]
Ah, keep dancing, cheese wad.
I'm the one with the chef's hat.
And that means
-[cheese blubbering]
-[chef] Gah!
-Yah!
-[cheese splats] Ah!
Dude, don't give up!
Our cheese just moves around
a lot less than yours,
and doesn't yell at us.
[angry blubbering]
Buttchunks!
The human succeeds where I fail.
[cheese blubbering]
-[banging on door]
-What the?
[roars]
[gasps]
-Whoa! Ah!
-[shrieking]
-[screeches]
Ugh! Yah!
-[roars]
-All right!
-[shrieks]
-Hyuh! Huh! Huh!
-Sausage slam!
-[thunking]
-[screeching]
-Yeah! Uh!
-[shrieks]
-Whoa!
Eat yeast!
[chomps]
[hissing]
Oh, right, yeast expands.
My bad!
-[screeches]
-Ah!
-[sizzles]
-Uh, chef monster dude?
You still around?
Could use a little back-up here.
OK, time to call in the dorks.
[roars]
Guys! Problem! Kitchen! Now!
-[screeches]
-Uh!
[monsters]
Huzzah! Huzzah!
-Huh!
-Whoa!
[screeches]
-Dirk! Arms up! Huh!
-[grunts]
[whimpers]
Huh!
[grunts]
[shrieks]
Unh!
[June, Dirk, Quint]
Huah!
No, that was
after I did the six back flips.
See, I grabbed the thing by its tail and
[crashing]
[Dirk] Ah!
-Ah!
-Quint?
[Quint] Ugh!
-[June] Ugh!
-[Dirk] Ah!
Uh, excuse me, fellas.
Time to go do super heroic Jack stuff.
Excuse me, pardon me. I'm on my way!
The odor of evil hangs in the air.
Oh, I will decapitate it for them.
Hold. Let us see how this human, Jack,
truly handles battle.
[disappointed] OK.
-[crash]
-[gasps]
Don't worry, folks!
-Your hero has arr ahh!
-[screeches]
Well, if it isn't Jukebox Jack.
Glad you decided to drop in.
OK, first of all,
the songs were numbered wrong.
And B, I didn't know there was
-a giant bug monster kicking your butts!
-[Dirk] Yaah!
You didn't know because you were too busy
-sacrificing your friends to be popular!
-[shrieks]
You called us sidekicks!
What?! I'd never do that!
[gasps] Holy fudge wiggle sticks,
I totally did.
-[June] Ah! Unh! Huh!
-[Dirk] Yah!
Yah!
Ah! Hyah!
[shrieks]
Ahh!
[shrieks]
You guys are not sidekicks!
I'm gonna make it up to you!
Uhh! Ugh!
-Ah! Uh! Uh uh!
-[screeching]
Guys? Ah! Little help here.
Are you sure you want help
from your sidekicks?
No, I don't!
I want help from my teammates,
from my friends.
All right. We let the fish
dangle on the hook long enough.
Yee-ah! Ugh!
[Jack]
Wha-oh!
-[splats]
-[shrieks]
Huh-Ha!
Ah! Ugh!
Thanks, guys.
Ugh! OK, I deserved that.
You can thank us later
with a big fat apology pizza.
[screeches]
Guys?
I have got a plan!
[screeches]
Go!
-[screeches]
-[Dirk, Jack grunt]
Whoa! Ah! Ugh!
Yah!
[pants]
[pops]
[screeching]
Duck!
Unh!
Hey, you! Spice up your life!
[sneezing]
[squelching]
-Now, Jack!
-Oh, man.
-[monster sneezes]
-Huh!
Eww! Are you seeing this?
This is how much you guys mean to me.
-Yah!
-[fizzing]
[shrieks]
Uh-ah!
Dirk! How's that oven?
-Pre-heated and ready!
-Uh! Uh!
-Baking soda blast is ready!
-Launch!
[Jack] Heat from the oven
activates the extinguisher material
combined with creature's natural acid
and Quint's baking soda
to make it expand with gas and foam
like a science fair volcano!
Eh, don't ask me how it works.
It's all Quint.
It's working! He's expanding!
Huh! Ugh!
-[shrieking]
-[bubbling]
[explosion]
[squelching]
-[pops]
-[blubbering angrily]
Ah, man, my spear!
[snaps]
-It's ruined!
-[cracks]
It isn't ruined! It's upgraded!
There's that loud team spirit of yours.
[chanting]
Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
To Jack and his family!
Definitely better than sidekicks.
Agreed.
[moaning]
Hey! We got our own zombie doorman.
Keep rocking that fence, Bruce!
-Bye, Bruce.
-Yeah, later, Brucie!
Shame you couldn't enjoy the pizza!
Uh, you got a little something
Hey! It's one of the antennas
from the exploded kitchen monster thing.
Ah, yeah, matches perfectly!
This'll now officially be
the best quest ever
[monster screeches]
What was that?
And where did it come from?
[monster screeches]
[monster screeches]
[zombies moaning]
[monster screeches]
[theme music playing]