The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth CAROL: We're the last people on Earth.
Shouldn't we all be together? I can't live in Tucson.
- Fine.
- Fine! I'm not being a turd.
She's being a turd.
Phil! Oh, my God.
Oh, where'd we last stop? Oh, Speedy Pump.
Damn it, there's infinity Speedy Pumps! I know where you went.
She's in Tucson.
Where is everybody? Where are you, Carol? - (soft, mechanical whirring) - CAROL: Come on.
Come on.
Yes! I won a free ticket.
(wind whistling) I won a free ticket.
Girl, you've been at it all day; let me tap in.
(grunting) Phil! Phil, Phil, I'm here, Phil! Phil! Phil! Wow! That's tiring.
I have a newfound respect for your craft.
You go, girl.
Here, give me high five.
Oh! Okay, relax, relax! He's coming back.
(Sighs) I just have to keep waiting.
(playing lively melody) This is a sculpture of Phil I made out of chewing tobacco and toothpaste.
Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! Oh! Phil! Babe Ruth's bat.
The Sultan of friggin' Swat.
I mean, if you want to burn all my crap, fine.
But this was a flippin' national treasure.
(quiet gasp) (whispers): Animals! Think this might be salvageable.
God! Where the hell is Carol? Even if she drove ten miles an hour the whole way, she'd still be here by now.
So why isn't she here? No, that's a great point, Gary.
Tucson's the one place she thinks I would never come.
But she'll come eventually, right? I mean, she did want to see all those turds.
She thinks they're here which they're not.
(sighs) I just wish I could send her a message, you know? But how would I do that? I mean she could be anywhere right now.
(whispers): Bingo.
Go find Carol! Go find Carol! Hyah! Git! Go up! Git! (popping) (groans) That's not Carol! Git! Got to use helium next time.
What was I thinking? (grunting) Bingo.
These are my last two flares.
(motor rumbling) (wind whistling) He's not coming back.
(train whistle blowing in distance) (train wheels clacking) (train whistle continues blowing) (panting) (train wheels clacking) (gasps) (laughing) Okay, I got it! I got it, Phil! (laughing loudly) I'm coming, Phil, I'm coming! (yells) (engine idling) (sets bottle down) (door creaks shut) Hyah! Git! Git! Yeah, I know it's a crazy idea, but I already sent out, like, every train in Tucson.
We have to try everything at our disposal.
Where where's Brice? Brice! (screaming, gasping) (sobbing): No! My God! He's he's okay.
He's gonna be fine.
He just got the wind knocked out of him.
I know it hurts, bud I've been there but it's all gonna be worth it if that steamroller somehow finds its way to Carol.
(crash) (screaming) (crying) Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Brice.
I'm a failure.
I let down everyone I care about.
I deserve this! I deserve to be alone! (crying) (vehicle approaching) (horn honking) (horn honking) Phil! (screams) I'm here! Oh! Mm.
Mm.
Did you get my train? I sure did, you little love conductor.
Wh where were you? Right where you left me, at the EMCO station.
- You mean the Speedy Pump.
- No.
I was there for a week it was definitely an EMCO.
It wasn't, but, you know, it doesn't matter now.
Oh, my God, I swear to you I will not ever let you out of my sight again.
Mmm mmm Mmm mmm Oh.
Are we doing this? It's already begun.
Oh.
(Carol grunting, yelling) You know, the Beatles wrote a song - about what we just did.
- "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" I was talking about "Yellow Submarine.
" Mm.
Hey, want to go back to the cul-de-sac and see the others? I'm so excited.
Uh Carol, about that This is all they left.
They threw a final "screw Phil" party, burned down my house, and skipped town.
Okay, you don't know that they did this, Phil.
- Carol, come on.
- It's just not like them.
And it's definitely not like them to not leave a note - or something.
- Yeah.
(sighs) Look, I'm sorry.
I know how much you wanted to see them.
Yeah, I wanted to see them.
(sighs) But not as much as I wanted to see you.
(chuckles) My house? (sighs) Phil, I have to admit something.
When I was at that EMCO station Speedy Pump.
I lost faith in you.
I thought you turned into Old Tandy and left me at that gas station on purpose because of our fight.
And then I got your train, and I knew Old Tandy was truly dead.
Old Tandy is dead.
And you're the whole reason I changed.
I just want to be a better man for you, Carol.
Oh, and I want to be a better man for you.
Hey you already were a better man.
And you're the man I want to kiss for the rest of my life.
You mean it, Phil? I wouldn't lie to you, Care Bear.
You're my Honest Abe.
- Mm! - Hey, hold on.
I'm gonna go slip into something a little more comfortable.
Okay.
Prosecco? No.
Probably a robe.
Yeah.
Hmm.
(sniffs) All right, a little Prosecco.
(pop) Boom.
There we go.
(sniffs) "Carol if you get this letter, we've gone to Malibu.
Please come.
But don't bring Tandy.
It would not be safe"? Are you gonna keep that all to yourself, or what? Carol, I just found it.
And you opened it.
Uh, I was gonna tell you about it.
And you haven't poured any yet.
Yeah, yeah yeah (stammering) No.
No, I haven't.
Yeah.
Cheers.
To my Honest Abe.
(sighs) - To your Honest Abe.
- Oh, oh.
- Ting! - You remembered.
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
(slurps softly) "Phil, you skunk.
I found the note.
I've gone to Malibu.
I knew you'd never change.
" No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no "Not be safe.
" What, are you gonna kill me? Friggin' turds.
How 'bout you're not safe? From me.
Yeah, you better run.
'Cause Phil Miller's on his way to Malibu, and you can't stop him.
(screams) (shouting) I told you not to step foot in Malibu.
(screams) (quietly): Carol.
Carol, I just had a bad dream.
Tell me all about it.
Carol? Guess again.
(shouting) (screams) Phil, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Yeah.
I just had a crazy double dream.
It sounded awful.
Was it the one where your penis falls off? - No.
- How 'bout the second dream? Was that the one where your penis falls off? No, Carol, neither of them was the one where my penis falls off, okay? - Do you want to talk about it? - God.
- No.
I'm fine.
- Okay.
What are you doing? Looking for clues.
It's like they'd leave a note or something.
Hey, Carol? Say we never figured out what happened to those guys.
I mean, am I enough for you? What do you mean? I mean could you be happy here, just the two of us? Of course.
Good.
(Chuckles) I'm gonna go check for billboards.
Haven't given up on them just yet.
Good.
Good.
I feel so guilty for lying, but I don't know what to do.
I mean, I'm in a really tricky situation here.
If I tell her about the letter, she's gonna want to go to Malibu.
But I can't go there.
I mean, Phil would kill me or paralyze me or both.
But I don't know if I can live with myself if I don't tell her.
Okay, devil's advocate: She did tell me that all she needs is me.
So that makes me feel a little bit better.
But, I mean, I still feel bad for her.
I mean, at least I have you guys.
But for her, other than me, she's all alone.
- Pretty good mint julep, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Next time, I'm gonna use actual mint instead of mouthwash.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You want some more? - Oh.
No, thank you.
- Okay.
How 'bout you, Melissa? No? Todd? No? Gail? Erica? Anybody? Nobody wants a mint julep? Okay, well, more for me.
(chuckles) So, how 'bout New Phil, huh? He's really let himself go.
CAROL: Yeah.
So, uh, Care Bear, you got anything you want to say to the group here? Oh, I don't think so.
Come on, it's fun.
Can't you see how much fun I'm having? - Okay.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Have fun.
- Okay.
Thanks thanks, Phil.
- Yeah.
Uh, hello, everyone.
Nice to see you.
It's been a long time.
Um Hi, Melissa.
I like your top.
Maybe I could bedazzle it for you.
- You okay? - Oh, yeah.
I'm good.
I just, um, did not expect to be so emotional.
I can do this.
I got this.
I got this.
Yeah.
Um, hey, cowgirl.
How's your milk Oh, God! I miss her, too.
Excuse me.
I This is all your fault, you friggin' dong.
Yeah, why'd you have to threaten me? I got news for you, dude.
I'm not afraid of y (screams) (crying) PHIL: They're in Malibu.
(sniffles) What? You kept this from me? Carol, I had no choice.
You did have a choice, and you chose to lie.
I only did it because I care about you.
No, you did it to save your skin.
Okay, look, I'll admit, I'm friggin' terrified to go there, okay? But I'm even more terrified of you not being happy.
So what do you say, huh? Want to go to Malibu? You would do that for me? I would.
Then pack your bags.
And then unpack them.
Because there's no way in Norway we're going to Malibu.
If they don't want you, I don't want them.
Carol, no.
We're staying in Tucson.
- We're going to Malibu.
- We're staying - in Tucson! - Carol, I can't ask you to make that sacrifice for me.
You didn't ask me.
I'm just doing it, 'cause that's what people do for those about whom they care! (sighs) Oh, Carol.
You're right, you're right.
When you care about somebody, you just do the right thing for them.
Okay.
We're staying in Tucson.
Thank you for doing the right thing for me.
We are staying in Tucson, lady.
- I'm glad we worked this out.
- (Chuckles) (laughs) - Tucson, huh? - Okay.
What do you say we have a little drink to celebrate? To Tucson.
(chuckles) To Tucson.
(coughs) Is there a chaser? Yeah.
I got a chaser for you.
- Phil, I'm good.
- Carol I've hit my limit.
For Tucson.
To Tucson.
- Mmm.
- That one - felt good.
- You know what they say.
They say the second time is not the charm.
Got to add one more charm on there.
Huh? (chuckles) (whoops) Oh, my God.
I forgot to toast to the dry heat and low humidity.
(gasps) Want another one? Ha! (Chuckles) (laughing) (howling) Phil?! Phil, you got me drunk.
Then while I was passed out, you drove me to Malibu, - non-consensually? - Sorry, Carol.
But when you're making a sacrifice for someone, you don't ask them if it's okay you just go ahead and do it.
'Cause that's what people do for those about whom they care.
Direct words from you.
You little skunk.
(sighs) You just lifted up your skunk tail and you sprayed me with the sweet scent of selflessness.
Aw.
- So you ever been to L.
A.
? - No.
You haven't seen a beach till you've seen a California beach.
Uh, maybe we should go find the others.
That's a whale of a good idea.
- Mmm.
- Boom, I still got it.
Hey, you know who would probably also like it here? Whale-on Jennings.
Boom.
Whale Earnhardt Jr.
, Eddie Van Whalen.
Boom, boom.
I mean, I don't know where to even go.
I mean, we've been looking around.
Maybe we should get a map or something, just start crossing off streets, 'cause Where do we even start? I don't know.
Maybe we could start right there, Phil! (squeals) That was easy.
We found 'em.
(Chuckles) PHIL: Yep, there they are, the whole group of turds.
You no say, Daddy, me Snow, me I'll go blame OTHERS: A licky boom-boom down GAIL: 'Tective-mon he said, Daddy, me Snow Me stab someone down the lane PHIL: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's that guy? - What? - CAROL: Let me see.
There's some new guy.
OTHERS: A licky boom-boom down Ooh.
Yummy.
Carol, I'm right here.
Oh, my God.
I'm really nervous.
Wait, so - how do we proceed from here? - Don't worry.
I'll go down there first to sort of feel them out, take their temperature, just get that Carol thermometer right up in there and get a good, solid reading.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey, Phil, relax.
You're in good hands.
It's me, Carol.
Very reassuring.
Mwah.
Sitting round cool with my dibby-dibby girl Police lick my friend Rough me up and I can't do - A thing, pick up my line - PHIL: Who are you? When my telephone ring PHIL 2: Took me to the station, black on my hand Nailed me down 'cause I'm hanging with the Snowman What I'm gonna do I'm back and I'm trapped - Slap me in the face, take all my gap - (laughter) PHIL: Oh, you think you're a pretty good singer, huh? Nice beach sweater.
Burn.
ALL: Informer PHIL: What are you doing, Carol? Boo! - (Erica gasps) - MELISSA: Carol! - God, you scared me.
- GAIL: Oh! (grunts) - (others gasping) - PHIL 2: Gordon! GAIL: Oh, my God.
Gordon! - Oh - MELISSA: Gordon, are you okay? Gordon.
I don't know what to do.
Gordon? - PHIL 2: Gordon! - ERICA: Should I get some water? - GAIL: Help! - MELISSA: Push him on his back.
PHIL 2: Gordon! GAIL: You killed him! Gordon! Oh, farts.
GAIL: Informer, you no say Daddy, me Snow, me I'm gonna blame