The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[woman] What happened to your lost film
Making Love on the Moon?
Oh, we shot the entire thing.
- [woman] You did?
- Wonderful film. Erotic.
- Never released anywhere. It was burned.
- [man] What?
- [woman] What do you mean?
- Oh, it was burned.
- Literally, yeah.
- [man] Wow.
There's a poster.
I'm not sure if it's at my place.
Uh, I had one up at the office.
All that survived, sadly.
- We couldn't, you know, save it.
- [woman] Yeah, that's too bad.
[chuckles] All your films seem
to have profanity
or innuendo in the title, Mr. Kuneri.
Do you find that strange?
Well, profanity is always there.
It's there all the time.
- [woman] Mm-hmm.
- I suppose that's because, um, well
- [man] Well?
- It's how I talk.
- I won't lie. I have a dirty mouth.
- [man laughs]
- But my heart is clean.
- [woman] Oh.
That's what's important.
This can be filthy,
but if this is clean, you're fine.
[woman] I only ask because your films
have been criticized for that in the past.
You can't watch them
with your kid or something.
[woman] Uh-huh.
- Well, you know, anyone can make a child.
- [man] That's true.
I'm 84, for example,
but if you wanted to make a baby.
- [woman laughs] Oh, no.
- For argument's sake.
What would you show him?
That's for you to decide.
You know, that's your job.
- [man] Yeah, you have a point there.
- [woman] True.
[theme music playing]
You're struggling.
"I want you to be mine."
I want you to be mine.
- "Get out from me, you demon!"
- [Tülay grunting]
Oh, get out from inside me,
you evil demon!
Stay on the girl. I wanna see
the boy really foaming at the mouth.
Struggle. You're struggling.
- [Mami] Ah.
- Tülay, go for it. Slash the fucker!
- Ready.
- [Tülay grunts]
- Are you getting this?
- [shouts]
All right. All right.
Tülay, you can stop. Cut.
[grunts] Erşan, it's just so hard
to believe the scene
when the damn chain saw
isn't turned on, right?
Tülay, sweetheart,
go splash some water on your face.
Take a break.
So do I get the part?
Acting at its finest. I'm speechless.
What did he mean by that?
Look, kid, we appreciate your dedication.
Okay, we'll be in touch soon.
Good job, my friend.
This kid, Oktay Kaynarca,
he caught my eye the other day
at the conservatory.
I asked him to come,
but the faculty wouldn't let him.
Yeah, this guy was a piece of wood.
I bet you could build
a bonfire out of him.
[knock on door]
- [Erşan] Yeah, ho's there?
- May I come in?
- Anything That Breathes, right?
- You said it.
- Here, go give 'em the chain saw.
- Sure.
Hold on a second.
Um, Anything That Breathes
is our project, straight to VHS.
You're playing Suat,
who's possessed by an evil spirit.
Take it away. Ready and action.
I'm sorry. What?
Okay, so you're Suat,
and you're possessed by an evil spirit.
[snaps fingers] And action.
[exhales] Can I do
some breathing exercises first?
Listen, son, the park is right over there.
You wanna breath, go run some laps.
In the meantime, please, get the hell out.
Wait, please, forgive me, sir.
I'm I'm a little nervous. That's all.
- [Erşan] Don't be.
- If you knew how hard this was for me.
Suat. Possessed by a spirit. Go.
Go.
Do I have to look at you?
- Oh! [sighs]
- [sighs] Oh! Come on, it's acting, son.
Don't be nervous. Let's see it.
[clears throat] Okay, sir, in a sense,
I was already playing a more
difficult role when I came in here.
[Mami] Hmm?
I've played it for years. [sobs]
[exhales, chuckles] What's the problem?
[clears throat]
Pump Action.
- Two Eggs, One Sausage.
- [Erşan] Mm-hmm.
- Seven Inches Uncut.
- [Erşan] Mm-hmm.
There were tears in my eyes
every time I watched those films.
Naturally, that was
the intended effect. [chuckles]
Will you be able
to finally dry these tears, huh?
Or at least, do what it takes
to earn my forgiveness?
[gasps] Do you know exactly what
my heart's been missing all these years?
Will you be able
to give it back to me? Tell me.
Tell me, you bastard.
Tell me now, go ahead.
Cengiz, take it easy, relax.
Cengiz, you said? Maybe not.
Who even named me, anyway? Huh?
I might have another name
if things were different.
Kiddo, look, I know you're nervous,
but you can't be emotional in this work.
Show me Suat, come on.
You're right. This work doesn't allow you
to be emotional.
I know that because
my father was in this business as well.
Oh, yeah? Then what's his name?
- Erşan Kuneri.
- Oh, fuck off.
You listen here, you little shit.
It's too late. I'm 25 years old.
- What the hell are you saying?
- Erşan Kuneri, I'm Cengiz. I'm your son.
That's a damn lie!
You shut up, or you'll be
bleeding out of your eyes.
If you want a paternity test,
then go ahead.
Go ahead. I'm not afraid.
I'm telling you the truth.
I'm your son, Erşan Kuneri.
I want the role, but based on my talent,
not my family name.
But still, I can't silence what's in here.
[gasps]
If only you knew how hard it was
for me to stop myself
saying that one simple word.
Which word is that?
- [sobs] Papa.
- My son!
- Papa!
- Cengiz!
- Daddy. [sobs]
- My only boy.
How could I leave?
How could I have done that?
Your mother, how is she? Are there
more of you? Any brothers or sisters?
Now, Erşan, just hold on a minute.
- No. Come here.
- I can smell you, Dad.
I've wondered what you smelled like.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Shut up!
We'll make up
for all these lost years, son.
I'll take you to parks and playgrounds.
I'll take you
on the merry-go-round. [exclaims]
Don't you ever leave me, son.
Don't you leave me!
Oh, Dad, how could I
now that we've finally found each other?
[laughs] What do you think?
Was I in character?
It was great.
Uh, Tülay will take your number.
We'll start Monday, okay? Well done.
- Thanks. See you.
- Bye-bye.
Tricky bastard. He really had me there.
The motherfucker's brilliant.
I nearly shat myself. [sighs]
Open it up like this. Perfect.
You want it to stay open like this?
Yeah, for the scene where he rubs
snow on you. That's why we need it.
Snow rubbing scene?
[scoffs] Mami, seriously?
Erşan, can we talk about something?
Mami, my Maribu's empty.
Someone's gonna be in trouble if
this bottle isn't kept full at all times.
Oh, please, like I'm sneaking around
and stealing Maribu at my age.
You're the one offering Maribu,
Maribu to everyone.
We're the only ones here.
I didn't drink it.
Erşan, you know how in the script,
I have all those kissing scenes
where I take off my clothes?
Of course.
My partner isn't the biggest fan of that.
Maybe we could have
a little less nudity in it
and a little less kissing for me.
What do you say?
This is a winter shoot, baby.
We'll have it wrapped while
your bear cub is still in hibernation.
- By which time, I'm sure you'll break up.
- But my partner gets so jealous.
If he's so jealous, the prick
can wear the costumes himself.
Right? I thought cavemen were all extinct.
So Seyyal is gonna be in the movie,
but not that much?
- Ridiculous.
- How is that gonna work?
I mean, not when
the public is demanding this ass.
[laughs]
Well, hello.
Tomris, darling, come here.
We'd offer you some Maribu,
but we're all out.
Too bad. That's the only thing
I came here for. [kisses]
- The name's Tomris.
- Erşan.
- Hey, baby, how you doing?
- I'm not your baby.
Oh, I just said that out of respect
for our age difference.
- Uh-huh.
- Erşan, Tomris is a stuntwoman.
She agreed to stunt for me
in my most dangerous scenes.
Also, don't you think
she'd be great playing Asu?
Oh, please. I just know she'd be perfect.
Actually, I needed someone more feminine.
I can do that.
You need a woman. Here I am.
- What's up, honey? Excuse me
- Tomris.
- What's up?
- Hey, girl.
- You two know each other?
- Oh, yeah.
- Come. You look so pretty, great hair.
- [laughing]
So what about this role?
Well, when I wrote the character,
I had someone feminine in mind.
You should have said so.
We do that all day.
If it's in the script,
you don't need someone feminine.
All you need is someone
who can act feminine.
[laughs] You see how direct she is?
Oh, she's crazy.
[laughs] Oh, she's crazy.
- Let's just hope she's not actually crazy.
- [Tomris] I'm just teasing.
You slapped Seyyal's ass
as a joke earlier so I thought I'd try it.
If that's how you do things.
But that's just nothing
but a friendly office slapping.
We do a lot of slapping.
It's true. We slap each other a lot.
- Like this, come here you.
- Like this.
- [grunts] A friendly slap. That's all.
- [laughing]
- Come on, are you kidding me?
- I swear.
- No, they slap each other all the time.
- Oh, really?
Nothing against stuntwomen.
Um, it's just that Pyro
usually takes care of that.
But I'm open to new things.
Our bigger problem is Seyyal's new fling.
He's always going on about her costumes.
I'll have to give that motherfucker
a piece of my mind, huh?
Fascinating. When have I ever said that?
Who gave you that idea?
Oh, please, darling,
sometimes you're a bit jealous.
- What? Isn't that true?
- [laughing]
Tomris, when did that happen?
The Tomris I know
has never been the jealous kind.
- Erşan, lover.
- What is it, honey?
- I need to talk to you, please.
- [chuckles] Be right there.
- Uh, some whiskey?
- Please.
- Not while I'm working.
- Are you working now?
- Always.
- [laughs] She's crazy.
[laughing]
- Erşan, what's her deal?
- She's doing something to me, man.
[Mami] But she's crazy.
I welcome a challenge now and then.
Plus, Seyyal could be playing with us.
You know, it's just for attention.
She's great.
- But are you gonna put her in the movie?
- No. Hell no. [chuckles]
- [laughing] Oh, thank you.
- Here we are.
Now, sugar, cheers. It's a comedy movie.
Um, it's something
I've never tried before.
That big kind of comedy
with people falling down and such.
Well, there's me. Cengiz too,
an amazing actor, playing my son.
Feride will be Kumru. Şermin's back.
Seyyal, of course, but we
also need a masculine type, I think.
Oh, no, don't be ridiculous, baby.
I'm more than happy to do what
this challenging script needs of me.
I promise. I'll be good.
As long as there's
no kissing scenes for Seyyal.
What the hell.
- Girlie enough?
- Oh, yes, it's plenty.
But, honestly, I find
your masculine side more interesting.
- [chuckles] Erşan's a masculinity fan.
- [laughing]
- Masculinity's your thing?
- Oh, yes.
Now, I'm starting
to understand the spanking.
[laughing]
I'm beginning to feel
a bit like an old man here.
Oh, really? So does that mean
you can't get it up anymore or what?
[laughing]
The office feels electric all of a sudden.
- Right?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.
[laughing]
Tomris, you're in.
The film is called Time for Skiing.
A father and son go to a ski resort
and get to know each other.
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[classical music playing on radio]
[father] You know there are times
when your attitude about things
seems exactly like mine.
I see the way you look at things,
and I say, "That's me.
Kartal's my boy." [laughs]
- Oh, come on, Dad.
- There's no denying it.
You're just like me. Exactly.
Put a cracker in Daddy's mouth.
We used to stop
at restaurants during our road trips.
Patience.
Very soon my boy,
we'll eat whatever we want.
Dad, what the hell are
these signed postcards?
[laughs] That's your Uncle Erol.
He's my insurance.
Hey, look, a damsel in distress.
Is she stranded?
- I think she may be.
- We should stop and help her, Dad.
Don't be hasty now.
[laughs] We're not even at the hotel.
I'm your good luck charm.
- Well [sighs]
- Let's see.
[Kartal] Hi. You need any help?
Yes, please.
I'm not sure what's wrong,
but my car just won't start.
I'm not great with cars,
but maybe we could take a look, right?
Really, son? She looks like a hobo.
Come on, just
Maybe the spark plugs
aren't working properly.
I'm not feeling any sparks flying either,
so, excuse us.
We have to be going. Come on.
I'll tell the hotel
to send someone to help.
That would be kind of you.
She's not our type.
Let's go, let's go. Vagabond.
I feel bad leaving her there.
Son, never settle.
You're an alpha male.
Lions don't hunt mice.
Lions hunt elephants and rhinos, jeez.
- You're acting like your mom.
- What's wrong with Mom?
Son, your mom was like an angel.
I believe in her, of course.
But I can't see her.
TIME TO SLIDE
[father] Ah, here we are.
[grunts]
- [laughing] Berk, how's it hanging?
- Welcome, Mr. Aslan.
[Aslan laughs]
Tell them to bring
our luggage inside, okay?
- Happy to.
- Let's go, son. Let's go.
[laughs]
Hey, what's up? Ah, Aslan Kanarya.
And your companion?
- Kartal Kanarya.
- We have one single room.
Sorry, what?
Hey, sweetheart,
Aslan Kanarya and son Kartal Kanarya.
Oh, yes. Welcome.
There's someone stranded back there.
Could you send some help?
[clerk] Yeah, whatever.
Now, will you be paying for the room
with a credit card or cash?
- Erol.
- Erol?
- Erol Evgin.
- [gasps] I love Erol Evgin.
- [laughs] That's what he said.
- What did he say?
- That you love him.
- [gasps]
Is he coming here?
Well, maybe. You never know. [laughs]
This is mind-blowing.
- I'll take those keys.
- Sure.
- [laughing]
- Come on.
He'll be here. Come on.
- [clerk] Nejat.
- Room 108, kid.
- [laughs]
- Hey, Dad.
[dance music playing]
[man wolf whistles]
- Did you see them?
- Oh, yeah.
114 pounds, expensive taste,
with eyes that kill.
I could take what that girl's got
and spend the rest
of my life in the Caribbean.
- Naked with them.
- Really, Dad?
Son, her watch cost more
than your education.
Let's go.
Any businessman can have bad luck,
and now it's my turn. So what?
What matters is getting back on your feet.
[laughs] Son, you're a handsome kid.
You just gotta bag a rich enough girl,
and we're out of this.
Ridiculous. Let's make-do
with the shirts on our backs.
You crazy? I'm fat, and look,
I'm only wearing half a shirt.
You understand?
We're heading to the lobby now.
That place was crawling with talent.
I found out their names. Asu, Jale, Suzan.
Look, Dad, I just don't look
at women the way you do.
- At least you like looking at them.
- [sighs]
Will you work with me here?
Come on, look at
what I'm being reduced to?
What the hell is this? What are those?
I can't afford a drink. You understand?
Or a decent Cuban cigar.
You expect me to walk around
without one? Are you crazy?
- Dad, please.
- Listen, son, we're not poor.
- We're just broke, okay?
- Okay.
[sighs]
[slurps]
It works.
Okay, kid, time to go introduce ourselves
to the girls.
[man] Hey. Hey, easy. Ow!
You idiot. You stepped on my foot.
Watch where you're going, damn it!
- [Aslan laughs]
- Where the hell is our luggage?
I don't know
why we need 14 fucking suitcases.
We're not moving here
for good, for Christ's sake.
[laughs] Welcome, Mr. Şadan.
- Oh, Mr. Aslan. How are you, sir?
- [laughs]
Upper-class wardrobe suits you guys.
Too kind.
My son really wanted me to take him
on a ski trip, so here we are.
I don't know why though.
I mean, this moron can hardly walk.
- [laughing]
- I wanna go skiing. Let's go ski now.
- Right now, Dad. Come ski with me.
- Hold your horses.
- Who's this young man?
- This here is Kartal, my son.
Well, it's nice to meet you, Kartal.
Thank you, Mr. Şadan.
Son, take Kartal with you and go
have some fun. Go play over there.
You wanna play foosball?
We're gonna play so freakin' hard.
- Go on.
- Let's sing We're gonna play ♪
- Dad?
- Go play with him.
[laughing]
Looks like our boys
are already getting along.
Indeed.
You know, Aslan,
it seems you're here a lot recently.
- I'm jealous of your vacation time.
- No room for jealousy, huh? [laughs]
I'll just go settle in the room. See ya.
[Aslan] Okay.
That's just what I fucking needed.
Bears come with the territory.
[foosball clacking]
- Uncle Aslan, I'm just crushing your son.
- [laughing]
- I could poke your eyes out with this.
- [laughing]
- Thanks, Dad.
- [grunts] Get fucked!
[laughs]
I don't want any of your stupid romances
ruining my weekend, you hear me, Jale?
Did you look around?
I don't think I'm gonna
find my snow prince here.
Uludağ sure isn't what it was.
Forget about snow princes,
everyone at this resort is like a child.
What about him?
Interesting. If you're desperate.
[laughing]
He looks kinda old to me.
Perhaps. Not bad-looking.
He's coming over here, look.
One snow prince.
Hey, were you eavesdropping
from over there?
[laughs] I just read your lips.
Aslan Kanarya.
Asu.
- [woman] Suzan.
- [laughs]
[mouths] Jale.
Ajlan?
[mouths] Ja-le.
Wha S-S-Semih?
[mouths] Jale.
Gür Gür Gürcan? Erdal.
And I thought you were a lip-reader.
I must have been too distracted
by your eyes Jale.
Will you be
at the White Party this evening?
Yeah, I suppose.
Well, if I don't see you there,
it will be a black party for me.
Catch you on the slopes. Later, girls.
Just love a smooth operator. [chuckles]
Did you hit your head or what?
[Kartal sighs]
[clears throat]
There's girls checking us out.
Shoot the ball.
Dad says you don't look at girls.
They look at you. Shoot!
- Dude, why are you shouting?
- Shoot, damn it!
Oh. It's you.
You made it after all. I'm sorry
I couldn't be more helpful earlier.
It's all right.
I'm used to doing things by myself.
Who knows? Maybe asking
for help was my first mistake.
What draws you to the mountains?
I couldn't say. The pure air, perhaps.
Or maybe it's how nature
seems lonely and keeps to itself.
- You're a poet.
- [chuckles] Maybe so.
What is a poet?
- One who fears what they love.
- [Aslan] Hey.
Listen to me.
Kartal is a red-blooded young man,
who doesn't want to spend his vacation
listening to your bad poetry.
- So, please.
- But, Dad.
- Ah-ah. Please.
- Good day, sir.
Indeed. Good day, good day.
- Good day.
- What was that?
Poetry's bullshit, son,
like everything else that rhymes.
We came to scope the slopes, remember?
[upbeat music playing]
[grunting]
[shouting]
[music continues]
Kartal, let's get ahead of them.
[groaning]
Hey, what are you doing,
just standing around?
- I'm going sledding. Follow me.
- [laughing]
Look there. Go talk to the girls, Kartal.
Hey, girls, this is a very special place.
Come with me.
And I'll show you a spot
where you can see the snow fairies.
Snow fairies? That's lame.
Forget about the fairies.
Last one to the bottom buys the drinks.
Yeah, who cares? Come on, let's race!
Win, son, win.
You're not racing?
Ah, I don't like to race.
I'd rather be chased.
And I like to capture.
- Why not, coconut? Ah!
- [sighs]
Hot.
[laughs] He's trying so hard.
Look at him go.
- He's really desperate to come in first.
- [laughs]
Not a good sign.
There you are.
Here I am.
- Are you tired?
- Just cold.
Here, take your skis off.
Help me?
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
- [laughs]
- [sighs]
Help me, Mr. Aslan. I'm freezing.
Your body heat is out of balance.
A little bit of snow will fix that.
What, snow?
- Yes.
- But it's too cold.
- [Aslan grunting]
- [moaning]
Oh, I'm cold.
Oh, Mr. Aslan.
Oh, it's cold. It's so cold.
Wait. The snow is making me cold.
But your hands are red-hot.
You can trust your body with me.
Oh, it's too cold, too cold. Oh!
I'm balancing it out, see?
Uncle Aslan, what are you guys doing?
Um, Suzan, she was, uh, close to freezing.
And I'm rubbing her with snow
to balance out the, uh, temperature.
- Balance it out?
- [Aslan] Yes.
[laughs, grunts]
Oh, never mind. [grunts]
- [Aslan] Suzan.
- Uncle Aslan, balance me out too.
- Please, Uncle Aslan, balance me out too.
- Hold on, kid.
Balance me out. I'm so cold.
Ice-cold. I can't unzip this.
- I'm begging you. Balance me out too.
- [exhales] Gimme a break, will ya?
- Please, I swear. I'm freezing.
- You're plenty warm already.
- I'm freezing! Look, you've got to
- You want balance?
- Okay, I'll balance you out for good.
- Oh, baby, wow. This feels amazing, uncle.
[babbling]
Get it on my tummy.
Yeah, all over my tummy. Oh!
[laughing]
Uncle Aslan!
Oh, this feels amazing!
I never felt anything like this.
[laughs]
Oh, your hands are so oh, ho-ho!
What the hell!
Hey, Dad. Uncle Aslan is rubbing me
with snow to warm me up.
Oh, is that what he's doing?
Şadan, I swear. It was only snow. I
Go find you own playmate.
Move it, Galactica.
Go play with your sled.
Keep your hands off my son.
[son imitates robot]
- I am a robot. I am Daddy's robot.
- Move it!
Ah, those motherfuckers! Fuckers.
Well, guess I won.
- You beat us, good job.
- Totally.
- Hey.
- Kumru, I see you're not skiing.
That's right.
As I child, I couldn't bear
to disturb the fresh snow underneath me.
How could I spoil that perfection?
Nerds speaking nerd together.
Oh, wow. [laughs]
- Let's go, Jale.
- [laughing]
Would you like to see the snow fairies?
Yes, please.
[slow-tempo music playing]
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- [laughing]
- Look, I'm not trying to brag.
But when you see how dangerous it is,
you'll scream, I swear.
Really, you have no idea.
Mr. Şadan, isn't Uludağ amazing?
Indeed. Absolutely amazing.
But it's nothing without good company.
- [laughs]
- Lucky we have you here, then. [laughs]
Are you alone?
We're just here on a field trip.
I could never afford this
on my teacher's salary.
[dance music playing]
- Guys, come on.
- [laughing]
Get up, get up, get up,
come dance with me!
[laughing]
- What draws you to mountains?
- [scoffs] What?
"Draws you to the mountains?"
What the hell! Who taught you that?
Asu's dancing over there.
Go. Go dance with them.
- No, Dad, I'm good, okay?
- But Şadi is taking all the girls.
Can't you see that? Get in there.
- [Kartal] No, Dad.
- Get in there, young lion. Go on.
- Come here. Come here.
- Şadi, stop it.
[laughing]
You wanna dance? Fine.
Şadan, my friend.
- Ooh, Aslan, you dog, what's up?
- [laughing]
- Disco! May I sit?
- [dance music playing]
Oh, of course, please, take a load off.
[sighs] The young people are getting down.
[Şadan] You know, I'm just here
for the boy, so he can have some fun.
My business is swamped.
Your son seems popular with the ladies.
[laughs] Please.
The kid's completely clueless.
Your son is the real
firecracker out there.
[Aslan] I won't argue there.
Do you remember our bet
from last year, Mr. Şadan?
Yes, I remember it.
I have a proposal then.
First one to land a date with one
of those girls gets five million.
[laughs]
Those girls' fathers are billionaires.
You'd have to be crazy to even try that.
Well, it looks like your son's
got a pretty good chance there.
Come on, your son's got the real sparkle
on the dance floor.
- That he has.
- Who will come out on top?
Who can say? Winner gets five million.
- Agreed?
- Agreed.
What time is it?
Well, it's just 11:30. [chuckles]
[dance music playing]
The DJ has your song.
He's about to play it.
You just jump on the dance floor
and show these girls what you got.
Şadan and I have a bet,
so don't disappoint me.
How could you bet on that?
Get one of those girls. Nothing else
matters. Please, I'm begging you here.
- I'm begging you.
- No, Dad, I'm the one who's begging you.
Look, I'll show
my half-shirt to everyone here.
- I'll show everybody.
- No, don't.
- All right, all right.
- Good boy.
[dance music continues playing]
[inaudible]
[chicken clucking]
- ["Chicken Dance" playing]
- This is my song. Move, move!
Hey, everyone, follow me. Just follow me!
- [man singing in French]
- [laughing]
[laughing]
[laughing]
[shouting]
- [song ends]
- [cheering]
One-zero. Keep your head up, huh?
He's no match for you. Forget it.
It's true, Dad, but still
That's my son.
That's the spirit, kid, come on.
- Kumru?
- We seem to keep bumping into each other.
Oh, will you fuck off?
Forget that stupid girl.
Concentrate on winning. Come on.
- [dance music playing]
- [women laughing]
The bastard has some moves.
But he can't beat us.
Ha, never.
Never, never [laughs]
- [laughing]
- He's just the sweetest guy, huh?
All right, drinks for everyone.
Come to my room.
[cheering]
Every day and every night ♪
[dance music playing]
[vocalizing]
[in Turkish] I'll trade away millions
In my wallet ♪
For your love in my heart ♪
What good are riches
Assets, properties ♪
Without you by my side? ♪
Sometimes joy, sometimes sorrow ♪
We live life day by day ♪
Sweet days, bitter days ♪
- Together under the same roof, always ♪
- [laughing]
Gold, silver, diamond ♪
Emerald, pearl, ruby ♪
Make no one happy ♪
One sincere smile, one sweet comment ♪
One kiss
One loving glance are all I need ♪
[audience cheering]
[in English] Knock 'em dead. Go on.
Hold on, Dad, I gave Kumru my place.
[medium-tempo music playing]
[in Turkish] I want
To become the lump in your throat ♪
As you sob ♪
So that you remember me ♪
And cannot forget about me ♪
I want to become the tear ♪
That you cannot shed ♪
So that you remember me ♪
And cannot forget about me ♪
- [in English] What's this?
- You're gonna sing opera. Good luck.
Oh. Okay.
[mouths]
[classical music fanfare playing]
[in Turkish] Here is opera ♪
A colorful, lively world ♪
It's alive and well in my soul ♪
I feel its everlasting love ♪
Filled with ballet and love ♪
All these Singspiels ♪
Overtures, trios ♪
Duets and choruses ♪
The Abduction from the Seraglio ♪
The immortal La traviata ♪
Opera, opera, opera, opera, opera ♪
[in English] Oh, stop. Stop!
Are you kidding us with that shit?
"Opera, opera."
We hated it at Eurovision. We hate it now.
France, zero points.
Albania, zero points.
United Kingdom, zero points.
Zero, zero, zero.
Dad, zero! [laughing]
Aslan, hey, looks like your son
couldn't score if he tried, huh?
[laughs]
Go ahead, Şadi. Get up there
and show everyone what you're made of.
- Go on, son. Go on.
- [women cheering]
["Eye of the Tiger" playing]
[audience cheering]
[singing in Turkish]
[Şadan] Bravo. Bravo. Bravo!
That's my boy!
Well done, Şadi. Well done!
[cheering]
[Suzan] Oh, my God, you're so much fun.
My boy. [laughing]
Good job, Şadi. Good job, my boy.
Well sung, Şadi. [laughs]
- You were good too.
- Thanks.
"Eye of the Tiger." Huh.
But what could I have done about it?
Wow. A snow woman, huh?
That's right. Wanna try my carrot?
[gasps, groans]
- Mmm.
- [laughs]
We're playing Scrabble tonight,
if you'd like to join.
Scrabble. I'd be delighted. I'll be there.
I got you. I got you, Mr. Aslan!
[laughing]
- [women shout]
- [Şadi grunts]
Uncle Aslan, I got her back.
Right in the cooter. [laughs]
God Almighty, please grant me patience.
- [laughs]
- Whoo!
The snow prince has something
on his mind today?
Uh, just something about a business deal.
- Hmm. Love won't wait, you know.
- Right. [chuckles]
[Jale chuckles]
Come on, son, throw a snowball.
You'll feel so much better.
- Go on, throw it.
- No, I'm not in the mood for snowballs.
Just look at Şadi go out there. Come on.
[laughing]
[speaking French]
Hey, you can speak a little French, right?
Go show 'em.
No, Dad. Will you just stop it?
- I swear, I'll pull you out of school.
- Leave me alone.
Uncle Aslan, I can sprechen sie Deutsch.
Vat can I say?
Girls can't stay avay. [laughing]
[women shouting]
The bet's still on.
And your boy's lagging behind.
It's too early to say that.
They're just playing around.
Stop tickling me, seriously.
I'm gonna kill you. Girls, help!
Just playing? We'll see, I guess.
[Asu] I'm gonna strangle you.
Stop tickling me. Stop!
- Stop it!
- Hey, she peed.
I swear, she peed. She peed. [laughing]
[Jale] That's it. You asked for this.
You want a drink?
I got some mulled wine in here.
Sure, I guess so.
Does that usually work for you?
Well, I'm not that kind of girl.
- [grunts]
- [shouts, gasps]
Oh!
[Jale] I've noticed you've been
going after Aslan hard lately.
You're wasting your time.
His heart's not in it.
Who cares? No great loss.
All right, he's all yours.
Oh, really? I think
you need it more than I do. [laughs]
Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo!
- Stop it.
- Choo-choo!
Uncle Aslan, if this thing snapped off,
you think we'd die in the fall?
- Oh, stop it, will you?
- Choo-choo-choo-choo!
Are you scared? You're scared, aren't you?
Don't be scared. Choo-choo-choo!
Wow, Şadi,
you really can't keep still, can you?
I can't do it. I really can't do it.
Hey, Uncle Aslan.
You gotta play Scrabble with us.
I am so ready for it.
We're gonna crush those girls big time.
Choo-choo-choo-choo!
- Are we?
- [laughs]
Şadi, you're quite the firecracker.
I wish Kartal were more like you, son.
Tough luck. He's such a good guy.
He's just a little slow, huh?
- I know. He is.
- Choo-choo-choo!
- But you're a smart boy, aren't you?
- That's right. That's what I am. [laughs]
- Şadi.
- Huh?
Can you do me a favor
and look at my ski boot?
- Down there? Sure thing, Uncle. [screams]
- [chuckles]
[Şadi grunts]
I'm alive, Uncle Aslan. I'm alive!
When I'm done skiing, I'll come back.
[Şadi] I'll be here.
Sounds good.
You little fucking bugger.
So fucking annoying.
The next instant, poof!
He just wasn't there anymore.
I was this close to joining him.
I almost fell too.
Oh, what terrible luck.
I can't believe it.
Well, it happens.
We can probably start without them, right?
Şadi would have made everything so fun.
It's all right. I'm here.
You haven't started yet?
- No.
- Hey, this silly brat broke his leg.
Thank God his skull is as hard as a rock,
or he'd be dead.
[laughing]
Oh, sweetheart, what did you do?
We were worried sick about you.
I was miserable.
I fell off the chairlift,
and if Uncle Aslan weren't there,
I wouldn't have made it.
See? See? They wrapped it up
like a Christmas present.
- [laughs]
- [Asu] Aww.
[Şadi] Mm.
- [Suzan] Aha.
- Huh?
[Suzan] Leather.
- Oh. Nice.
- [laughs]
All right, it's our turn.
- Majuscule.
- Majuscule? Is that French or what?
- With an umlaut?
- Really? That's not what I thought.
Well, don't ask me.
Anyway, it's valid.
Great word, son. My turn?
SCHLNG - O A
Pass.
I do believe I've got something.
Read it and weep.
- Hmm. Ass.
- [laughing]
- Oh, you're such a jokester, Şadi.
- [laughing]
Ass is valid, huh?
- I think it's okay.
- Oh.
This guy's has been
cracking me up all night.
If that's how we're gonna play, I'm done.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
have to agree with you.
Oh, really? You're the one
who decides what's fun, are you?
Is that tone absolutely necessary?
- Yeah.
- Dad, enough.
If you're saying good night to us,
then good night.
All the kid did was spell "ass."
- Kumru, wait.
- [Aslan] And she's running away.
I'm going to bed. We'll talk soon.
But
Oh, I got one.
Pussy.
- [laughing]
- "Pussy."
Perfect fit. Pussy. [laughing]
Uncle, what do you think? Is pussy valid?
- [chuckles] If ass is fine, so is pussy.
- [laughing]
Pussy's a little much, isn't it?
Well, I can't tell you if it's valid,
but I'd sure like some right now.
[laughing]
Isn't that right, Aslan?
- Right.
- [laughing]
Say, uh, Erol Evgin
signed a postcard for Kartal.
Would you like to see it?
Erol Evgin, oh, yeah.
My mom loves that guy.
So does mine.
I love him too, but right now,
I have everything I need right here.
[laughing]
Where'd you graduate?
Şadan Academy. My dad owns it.
[chuckles] We own the school. Şadan Group.
- Wow! A whole group.
- [laughing]
Well, Aslan, it's just a game.
And sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose.
But I've never been a sore loser, have I?
If you can wait, I can wait.
You never have.
But, yeah, we'll talk tomorrow.
- You bet we will.
- [Aslan] Okay.
Okay, good night. Good night.
- Good night, Uncle Aslan.
- Good night.
- Hope you dream of me.
- Good night.
[laughs] Ass.
- Good night.
- [Şadan] Good night.
Yes, you're all mine now.
Good night, sir.
Good night, my darling.
- What's going on?
- I'm leaving.
I'm sick of being here with you, okay?
Kartal, you've got it all wrong.
There will be good news tomorrow,
and we'll leave here happy.
- You're using me as your stud horse.
- Please, don't do this.
I admit I made mistakes,
but I swear. I'll make it up to you.
- Come on, my buddy.
- I'll never go on vacation with you again.
Then it's the last time, whatever you say.
Just trust me, this once.
You don't know
the first thing about me, Dad.
Oh, I do know you.
I know you better than anyone.
Give Daddy a hug. [chuckles]
Wait. Here. Do it for Uncle Erol.
Look, come on.
- Just leave Erol out of this.
- Come on. Come on.
Daddy's here. Daddy's here.
- Bring it in.
- [sighs]
You know you want it. Give Daddy a hug.
[laughs]
Please, son, just trust me.
Well, the weekend's over,
and you have to leave sometime.
Uncle Aslan!
You'll never guess what happened.
We got engaged.
It's a surprise. I know. [laughs]
But I love him.
I'm shocked.
Congrats on a match made in heaven.
- Let's go skiing.
- Sorry, man, we checked out.
Uncle Aslan,
Asu's dad is a billionaire, guys.
That means he's got
a million, million liras.
Stop it, dummy. It's only one hundred.
That's good enough for me.
How's he supposed to know that?
- Well, see ya. [laughs]
- Bye.
You're quite the businessman,
Mr. Aslan, aren't you?
As promised, here you are.
[laughs] Thank you, sir.
If you find yourself in Istanbul,
come and see me.
- I'll do that.
- Have a safe trip home.
[laughs] Thank you.
- What's that?
- [laughs]
[laughs]
- This is for the room.
- [clerk] Oh.
- Can you spare an envelope?
- Of course.
- Here's Erol's autograph. You can keep it.
- [gasps] I can't believe it.
That's what he said.
- What did he say?
- That you wouldn't believe it.
- [laughs]
- [clerk] Oh.
What's that money?
Şadan and I had a bet, remember?
But I didn't bet on you.
Because I know you.
I know you're a sensible young man
with a good head on his shoulders.
[laughs]
You're not one
to follow a chain of command.
But Şadi is different.
The moment I saw him,
I looked at the cuffs on his pants.
The left side was
a little higher than the right.
Which means the kid's got a python.
I knew he wouldn't disappoint me there.
Now take Jale. Jale is a romantic.
I drew it out with some compliments.
She might have gone for you,
but definitely not Şadi.
Suzan is woman who knows what she wants.
I created a diversion
by rubbing snow on her.
I lured her away from you.
Confused her, basically.
Asu is the cynical type.
People like that are looking for fun.
Şadi was the perfect match for her.
I could see in her eyes
that need to tame an ox.
But I couldn't leave anything to chance.
So I asked the DJ
to play the "Chicken Dance."
It made him seem fun and approachable.
I tilted the scales when I chose opera
for your karaoke song.
[laughs] History repeats itself.
It was obvious that you'd get zero points.
I pushed Şadi off the chairlift.
I broke his foot.
I turned him into an object
of pity in Asu's eyes.
But I was still trying to play it safe.
I gave him the letter he needed
to spell "ass" in scrabble.
And bingo.
[laughs] That idiot was red meat for Asu.
- Oh, my God, Dad.
- [chuckles] Time to go.
[laughing]
- Five million lira, huh?
- Uh-huh.
Dad, how could you be so sure that one of
them wouldn't fall in love with me anyway?
No woman goes
for a guy who is obviously interested
in a completely different woman.
Just you remember that.
Come out, Kumru. [laughing]
- Hello.
- Here's your one million.
Ah, I knew you would never be able
to play the lover if you were preoccupied.
So I bet everything on Şadi.
You're kidding.
So getting close to me was all an act?
- [Aslan] Mm.
- Well, you tell me.
[chuckles] Anyway, long drive to Istanbul,
plenty of time for you to talk.
- I think you'd be great for each other.
- [Kumru chuckles]
That's it. Get in.
Let's go.
[laughs] Come on.
[gasps] Psst! Check it out.
What do you think?
Ugh, they're not Şadi.
True.
- Next time, cheers.
- Cheers.
- [disco music playing]
- [inaudible chattering]
THE END
[theme music playing]