The Mindy Project s02e02 Episode Script

Hey, sweetheart.
How was your day? I had a rough day here in Haiti.
I was walking down the street, and a baby bat flew into my mouth.
Well, it's a good thing for you that I planned a very sexy chat tonight.
You like the movie varsity blues, right? I'm an American male between the age of 6 and 93, yeah.
Do you remember the whipped cream bikini? I remember it.
Oh.
Oh! Very cool, I see what's happening here.
Well, I'm gonna go get prepared.
See you soon.
Don't forget the cherries.
Babe? Yeah? Are you ready to get your mind blown? Blow it.
Ready or not, here I come.
Oh! What's up with the one-piece? Hmm? It's just pretty modest, is all.
Babe, I started with a string bikini, but I thought that looked skanky, okay? Yeah, the whole point is be skanky.
Well, I just don't know who's watching this, you know, the NSA, that hot Edward Snowden guy.
I don't want this to be on, like, WikiLeaks.
It just kinda looks like a bathing suit my grandma might wear.
Grandma with benefits, maybe? You are confusing my "B" right now, okay? Well, this is not gonna confuse your "B".
The crotch is made out of taffy.
Okay.
And you don't even want to know where I hid the gummy bear.
Girl, you sure know my candies.
I have these little nonpareils, and I put Oh, my God.
Ah! Ah! What? Casey, there's ants on me! Go to the shower, take your laptop Ah! Honey, honey! And then let me see you just rinse it off.
Help! Sexy, though.
Help me! Ah! Casey! Casey! Sweetie, okay.
Help me! Casey! Oh, sweetie.
Welcome back to work, Big L! Nope, that is not my nickname.
For the last time, my name is Dr.
L.
Big L brought doughnuts for everyone! Nope, not Big L.
I'm a tiny, dainty woman, and these donuts are my lunch.
Oh, hi, Mindy.
Can I help you? Yeah, you can help me by actually getting all of your stuff out of my office.
Or you know what, you could do it by yourself, and then I could go rest, because I actually hurt my tricep yesterday trying to cut a steak.
Why am I getting the stuff out of my office? Look, you are a great guy, and your hair looks professionally mussed, and you deserve an awesome office, except this one is mine.
Okay.
All right, let me just check something.
Thank you so I really appreciate this.
I really want to help you.
Oh, shoot! I am busy all day not giving a damn! And it looks like I'm just booked all week not caring about this.
Yeah, that just continues all the way to 2060.
That's really cute.
Here's a tip, though.
Don't try to out-cute the cutest person in this office.
Are you cuter than this? I wuv hugs.
I hated that.
I hated that.
That was disgusting.
Jeremy? Jeremy.
You are managing partner, which until this moment, I did not care about at all.
Good morning.
Good morning, your majesty.
Continue.
Okay.
Please fire Paul.
Please, immediately.
No, nope.
Why would I fire the best thing to ever happen to this practice? Okay, he stole my office, and he made me feel uncool.
Well, that's his office now.
You were supposed to be gone a year, but you got back from club med eight months early.
It was a service trip to the worst place in the world.
The worst place in the world is Fenway Park.
Look, I let Paul move into my apartment when Christina and I moved to Jersey, but now we're broken up.
You don't see me asking for my apartment back.
You should! He's probably having cocaine snowball parties with models in there.
Ugh! The reason I hired Paul is because he's a good doctor and the patients all love him.
He was featured on the cover of New York magazine.
So what? I was profiled in the New York post.
Remember when I found that thumb in my taco? The new Dr.
L helped me and my boyfriend cosign a loan.
We love Dr.
L! Mmm.
Oh, you do? You love Dr.
L so much 'cause he cosigned your loan? That's enough, okay? You did not even look up from your Sudoku when I went to Haiti.
Dr.
L, it's the hospital.
Eva Castillo is in labor.
I am on it.
I'm on it.
She's my patient.
Paul, you are her current doctor.
You go to the hospital.
- Right.
- Sorry.
Yeah.
Go get 'em, Dr.
L.
Okay, I have no office, I have no patients, I have this horrible short haircut, my name is not Dr.
L anymore, and I have a U.
T.
I.
From discount whipped cream.
You and me both, sister.
Mindy, you do have an office.
Ta-da.
No.
This is a hobbit hole where old computers go to die.
No, this is a fixer-upper with tons of charm.
Plus, you get exclusive access to the hot pipe where Morgan dries his bathing suit.
How am I supposed to see patients in here? Well, the good news is, you don't have any at the moment.
The bad news is your hair is on fire.
Your hair is on fire! Get out! Come on! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Hey, I have to make a total run-of-the-mill trip to the post office, and I don't want to be questioned about it.
Okay.
All ri Oh, hey, say hi to Jan for me.
What? Ooh! My house is right by there.
Could you stop and get my chapstick? No, I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna run to the post office by myself.
I'm gonna do my own business, and then and then So I'm not gonna be reachable by phone or text.
Okay? Thanks, guys, awesome.
Anybody else find that a bit odd? No, it's not odd.
I'm not in love with Jan.
Sometimes, I will mail an empty box just to see her, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with her.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is the third time this week Danny has disappeared with some flimsy excuse.
Follow him.
That's what Ray Ron does with me.
If he didn't, I'd cheat on him.
Right.
All right.
Open, open, open, open, right here.
Here, here, here, here! Go.
Ow! Oh, sorry.
Ugh! You all right, Tom? No.
Okay, my bad, man.
That was your bad.
All right, let's go.
Hey, man, what are you doing here? You've been sneaking off every day to play "basketsball" with these miserable losers? These are my true friends right here.
I mean, we're all recently single.
We call ourselves the "getting over it" gang.
Great name for a gang.
Oh! Ow! Hey, foul, man.
Kris Humphries, no dunking! Wnba rules! Give me the gun.
What gun? What are you talking about? This is clearly a suicide ring.
No, it's not.
Suicide? Yeah, would a suicidal loser drain a shot like this? Trey! Oh! My bad.
Game over, guys, I'm sorry.
All right, let's bring it in! All right, come on, let's bring it in.
Come on, guys, come on.
All right.
Okay.
Just because we don't have wives doesn't mean we don't have lives.
Single and cool! Single and cool! Single and cool! Yes! All right, fellas, way to go! Ah.
Hey.
Hi.
For you.
No, wait, don't go yet, don't go yet! What's going on out there? Just work stuff.
Yeah? Wait, tell me about Is it daylight out? Oh, yeah, no, it's actually gorgeous.
Dr.
L just took us for some frozen yogurt.
An impromptu frozen yogurt trip? No one invited me.
Oh, you've been gone so long, and your office is here in Siberia now, so Oh.
Oh, oh, got something for you.
Just gotta let these bad boys dry.
I had water aerobics today.
Ah! Ah! Put this here.
If they fall down, just put 'em back up, please.
I'm gonna keep the door closed, because it bums the patients out to see this room.
Okay.
Bye.
Cool, he can do magic.
Do you know who else does magic? The clown that molested my cousin, and we're not all fawning over him, are we? Okay, relax.
Just don't be mad at Dr.
L because he's fun.
You're also fun.
Am I? Tell me, why? God, yeah, you're so much fun.
He's always dieting, you know? Mm-hmm.
And when you eat, you're like, "I want three pizzas! Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra!" Oh, my God.
You know? His farts are like Yours are like Pbbt! Um, can I have another drink, please? I'm very depressed.
Oh, right there.
That's another reason.
He's a total lightweight.
You can drink.
I mean, you can hold your liquor like an Irish police Captain.
He is like, "I had one beer.
I have to go home.
" That's very interesting.
He's a lightweight.
I'm glad you came out.
Gotta say, I did not know you'd be bringing these.
Uh, well, look, I know they made a bad first impression yesterday, but they're good guys, okay, and they're helping me get over Christina.
Yeah, I know.
From the ladies.
Oh, wow, hey.
Thanks very much, girls.
Thanks for the drinks.
Thank you very much, ladies.
This is what we think of your drinks.
Not the Tom, whoa.
Yeah.
You don't pick us.
We pick you! Whoa, Tom, Tom.
Bounce! Tom, they seem nice enough.
Oh, no, yeah, they seem nice enough.
The next thing you know, we go home with these girls, then you're married, and then you find a condom in your dog poop.
Then you go, "whoa, was somebody having sex with my dog?" Then you realize, no.
Your wife is having sex with someone, and your dog ate the condom.
All right, whoa, whoa, whoa.
And We'll just hang with the guys.
All right.
Danny? Yeah? Quick, quick, quick, quick word.
Yeah, sure.
Tom is unhinged.
No, no, I know, but Yeah, he's insane.
Okay.
Yes, I admit, that was a very chilling story, but he's gone through a lot.
I mean, look at him.
Just like me, just like all these guys.
Listen to me, if I wanted to be depressed, I would have stuck to my original plan of eating a waffle in the bath.
Hey, guys, you know what I think we should do is we should do, like, a doctor vs.
Doctor shots-off! What? Oh, we got a shots-off goin' on Oh, Tamra sang the shots-off song, and once you sing the song, you have to do the shots-off.
It is true.
Those are the rules of the office.
Did they tell you that? I love this.
I love office traditions.
Unfortunately, I can't do a shots-off.
I-I already had a beer, so One beer? Oh, are you scared, 'cause you can't hold your alcohol? She's getting in your head.
Take her down! Nobody baby-talks me.
Bring on the shots! Whoo! Yeah! And, of course, if I win, then I'll get my office back, and I can be called Dr.
L again.
Whoa! Yeah, bitch, bring on the shots! Whoa.
Whoa! Another shot, please.
Another shot, please.
How are you doing this? I ate an entire loaf of bread before I came here tonight.
Oh, so you knew we were going to do this? Nope, I just do that every night, dog.
Flaming shot! Flaming shot! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! Hey, Danny, guess what.
What? I won my office back.
Congratulations.
Did you do it through alcohol? Yeah, maybe, maybe.
Okay, I don't like that.
That's all right.
Look who's here.
Hey, Tom.
How's it going? Good.
Hey, you look great.
Thanks.
Whoa! Hey! Is that an engagement ring? Yeah, it is.
I did it.
I got engaged.
That's I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
So happy for you.
Hey, okay, I feel your penis against my thigh.
Tom, Tom.
Oh.
Who's the lucky guy? Okay.
His name is Casey.
Actually, you know him.
Oh, yeah, he kicked my ass.
I remember that.
But he's not here right now.
He's in Haiti.
We're doing long distance.
Oh, I see.
While the cat's away, the mouse will troll for ween in a dive bar.
You're on weenis patrol, lieutenant.
I'm not on weenis patrol.
Get out of the car, please.
Get out of the pants, please.
I-I'm gonna go.
Will you hang out with us? Will you hang out with me? What? Okay.
So happy for you.
I'm gonna they were calling me over a second ago.
Who's calling you? No one's calling you.
Some of my co-workers.
Bye.
No Bye, Danny.
Bye-bye.
I won the shots-off.
I shouldn't have to take you home.
Mindy.
Yeah? I have a secret.
I have a secret to tell you.
Okay, this better be good, 'cause your last couple secrets were really lame.
Okay.
I've never seen a movie.
You're kidding me.
No.
You were talking about goonies yesterday.
That is such a lie.
Here.
Paul, come on.
Come on, stand up.
I'm gonna just check for keys.
Okay, all right.
Let's okay.
Okay, there we go.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? Okay, Paul, I cannot find your keys, so I'm gonna just leave you here to sober up, mmm.
And then tomorrow, I can yeah.
Mm, Mindy.
Thanks for taking me home.
No problem.
You're the best.
You're not as bad as I thought you were.
Whoa, mama! Okay, shh, shh, no.
Help me! Shh, shh, quiet! Whoa! Quiet, nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
Oh! Shh, you're fine.
You're fine, you liked it.
Neighbors! Shh! Shh! What? Oh, no, no! Get her! She's getting away! Paul? Hey! Christina's here.
Why aren't you wearing your pants? Don't worry, they're just in my keys.
I'm just dropping some of Danny's stuff off, mostly leather jackets and John Grisham novels.
Well, pull up a chair, mon frere.
Time to have a little chat.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Let's get you inside.
Yeah.
Yeah? Sound good? Let's do it.
Upsy-Daisy.
Ooh! Oh, Christina.
I'm so sorry Danny ruined your life.
Thanks.
Mmm, you smell nice.
See ya, bad office.
Mindy, Mindy, I have to talk to you, okay? Look, I know it hurts when you lose a shots-off.
I been there.
Actually, no, I haven't, 'cause I never lost a shots-off.
Hey Listen to me! I had sex with Christina last night.
Danny's Christina? What is wrong with you? I was blackout drunk, thanks to you.
She showed up, boom boom.
Happened.
Sex doesn't just happen like that.
There's, like, a whole process.
You have to brush your teeth, you have to pluck that one hair that's growing out of your breast, you have to make sure your underwear isn't weird.
It's been nice knowing you.
You're gonna die in about No, no, no, no, no.
You are an accessory to sex.
Okay, fine, he cannot know about this.
Okay.
Okay? Agreed.
Okay, good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen.
This secret, it's a real secret.
It's not like one of those lame secrets you were telling me last night.
Wait, I didn't tell you that I slept with Hillary Clinton, did I? Did you? No! Hillary is happily married to her husband, Bill Clinton.
Hey.
Danny.
You and me gotta problem, buddy.
We do? If you threw up on my couch last night, 'cause you were wasted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, I drank a lot.
Oh.
He drank so much, yeah.
Hey.
Oh, someone smells like they had sex last night.
What? I Hey, hey, hey.
You can smell that? Yeah, I can smell it.
I got you something.
It's gonna help with the hangover.
It's a Castellano special secret.
I don't do this for everyone.
You're family now.
This is the secret breakfast sandwich.
Okay.
You know what, I What? I quit.
I quit.
Ah, you quit.
What, are you still drunk? I-I quit the practice.
I, uh I joined the army, and I can't work there and work here at the same time, so You joined the army? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I'll see ya.
Well, let's get going.
Hold on a sec.
What's going on between you two? I'm walking him to the army.
Wha yeah.
Everything's normal.
Everything's normal? This is a patriot, and he needs to leave.
I'd like to speak to the two of you in private.
Right now.
Okay.
I know what happened last night.
You took him to the bar, you got him drunk, his inhibitions went down That's true.
And you had sex with him.
I'm sorry.
Wha You had sex with Paul.
Sex with Mindy? No, no, no, no.
Right? Oh.
No.
Yeah.
Caught you.
Was it that obvious? It was obvious.
Oh! Danny, you got us.
Yup.
I had sex with Mindy.
G We we made love last night.
Made lo Okay, that's It's unbelievable.
That's But don't blame her.
I was so wasted.
I mean, normally, I would never I get it.
No, it sucks for me, 'cause he gave me HPV.
Well, everyone has HPV.
You're engaged, Mindy! You're engaged.
Everyone's making fun of my so-called loser friends.
At least they know to look out for a woman like you.
They know to watch out.
Well, Danny, come on.
Ex-squeeze me? Okay, there's a word for women like you, right? No, we don't A word would describe a woman you'd say of a loose Oh, don't you even dare.
Danny, we don't need to name-call, okay? Loose quality in a sexual fashion.
No, name-calling, man.
You know what that is? Danny, no, no, no! Please, say it.
You are a I dare you to say All right, I slept with Christina.
That's what happened.
I didn't sleep with Mindy.
I got drunk, she showed up, and I had sex with Christina.
W Christina? I'm sorry.
Christina Christina? That one, yeah.
Are you okay? Absolutely.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, my God! You wanna see an animal? I'll show you an animal right now.
Okay, now, we're going! Oh! Come here, come here! Come here! Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get him! Watch him! Watch him! What is going on? I don't want to get kicked! I don't want to get kicked! Take him! Take him! Come here! It's the worst day of my life! Shh! Take him! Okay, I want him fired.
Fire him.
Hold on, hold on.
Okay, I cannot fire him.
He's a godsend you don't return gifts from heaven.
He slept with Christina.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I did, I slept with Christina.
Yeah, he did.
In that case, be a gentleman.
Call him a Welshman and move on.
Wait a minute, guys, you're not gonna fire him? How can I fire him, Danny? He's great for the practice.
Well, I quit.
Danny, don't do that.
Dr.
C, no.
You can't We are all friends, Danny.
We are not friends.
I know where my real friends are.
Oh, Dr.
C Please.
Oh, don't go.
Don't leave.
I need you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Tom, take it all the way.
Take it, take it.
Teen wolf! Ah! I fouled, he fouled me.
Didn't even touch you.
Danny! Offee foul.
Come here.
Hold on a sec.
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
What are you doing here? No, no women.
No, Y-M-C-A.
"Christian men.
" Mm-hmm.
The "M" is unconditional, but not "Y"? Yeah.
Or "C"? Okay, what are you Don't say He's Jewish.
Yeah, why are you here causing trouble? He's a great guy.
Okay, I need you to come back to work.
No, no, no, that's a hostile place.
Right here with these guys, this is a safe environment.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
Man, you are covered in sweat.
You got your body's trying to tell you something.
Sorry.
I know that you think these guys are helping you, but they're just a bunch of losers who are wallowing in their misery.
They're not getting over anything.
He's obviously still obsessed with me.
No, I'm still obsessed with the woman after you.
You know, the one I married? Yeah, that one.
Okay, whatever.
These guys are never gonna get over heartbreak, but you can.
Paul did you that favor.
Paul? Okay, are you still drunk? She only slept with Paul because she knew that it would hurt your feelings! She's still obsessed with you.
She's the one wallowing Is that Kris Humphries? Yeah, shh.
He's in the gang.
Can you introduce Just leave him alone, okay? He's going through a hard time.
Okay! Please, just come back.
I don't know.
I was I was thinking of maybe doing some traveling.
You hate everywhere.
I was gonna buy a one-way ticket to Arizona and have sweet revenge sex with Paul's mother.
That's horrifying.
Why a one-way ticket? Because she'd be so grateful, she'll pay for my ticket home.
Are you coming back to work or not? Uh Go.
Go, Danny.
You're ready for this.
You don't be like me, sitting at home alone Saturday nights watching trashy reality TV shows.
I'm not gonna name which ones.
Trust me, bro, you're better off over there.
Man, bring it in.
Mindy, back up.
You're gonna be all right.
Thanks, man.
I love you, man.
I love you too.
I love you too.
Hey, how 'bout this? I make this shot, Danny stays.
Check it out, everybody.
Here we go! Didn't make the shot.
Bye, Danny.
See you later, buddy.
See you, buddy.
"Hello, good friends, and Mindy.
"I would like this recorded message "to stand as my formal resignation.
"I could never allow Danny to quit "on account of my sexual indiscretion.
"And of course, Danny, being proud and strong, "would never work alongside a man "who had sex with his wife.
And remember, "I'm a sex therapist, so the sex was extraordinary.
"I'll miss you all, even Mindy.
"I think her haircut looks nice, despite what everyone else says.
"And while I don't think we'll ever see each other again "We don't really run in the same circles I wish you all the best.
" Go to bed.