The Muppet Show (1976) s02e02 Episode Script
Zero Mostel
Zero MosteI, 25 seconds, Stand by, Mr MosteI? Hey, Fozzie, where's Mr MosteI? - He's in his dressing room eating, I'm not in my dressing room eating! I'm in my dressing room being eaten! It's The Muppet Show with our very speciaI guest star, Mr Zero MosteI, It's time to play the music It's time to light the light It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right It's time to get things started Oh, please let them be funny this once, It's time to get things started On the most sensational, inspirational Celebrational, Muppetational This is what we call The Muppet Show! Thank you, thank you, Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to The Muppet Show.
Tonight's speciaI guest star has many, many talents, Let's see He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero MosteI, But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience Oh, at last, at last! and in the wings, we open tonight's show with a little classicaI music, Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.
Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it, But I just introduced the Polonaise.
Here, I got a whole new intro written, Read that, Good luck, kid, Let's see Oh, OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat, as performed by Dr Teeth? What? Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! Honk it, honk it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chopin! Chopin! OK! Cookin', cookin'! Oh, yeah! - Chopin! Chopin! You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight, You plan to like this show? - No, I plan to watch television, OK, good oI' Chopin, You can't beat the classics, You can only destroy 'em, Hey, frogis amphibious - Yeah? don't forget today is payday, Payday! Payday! Payday, again? It was payday last year, It seems to be getting to be a habit around here, Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here, Three moths and a washer, Well, that's more than we usually have, Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money? Oh, how much do you need, Kermit? Oh, Scooter, 27 dollars and 1 4 cents, Wow! That's high finance, I'll get it, Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J,P, That's Scooter's uncle, J,P, Grosse, the bloodless old tightwad who owns this theatre, Yeah, yeah, Well, listen Could you put your cigar out, please? Thanks, Oh, everything's fine, Yeah, except Kermit needs some money to make the payroll, What'd he say? He said, "Uh-huh," - Terrific, If - If what? If you put some good old-fashioned entertainment back into the show, You mean like an Irish tenor? - No, A dog act? Jugglers? Spoon players? What? Lady wrestlers, Terrific, I was afraid he wanted something tasteless, OK, now it's time for our speciaI guest to do something speciaI, Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Zero MosteI, Yeah, what's the name of this movie? - Beach Blanket Frankenstein.
AwfuI, - Terrible film, Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead, WonderfuI, - Terrific film, Where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date? Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo? How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight? I see, TranscendentaI meditation, That's too bad, Now what? Hey, AnimaI, would you get the door? I say, would you get the door? Get the door, Ah, get the door! Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler, Here door, My, what a dynamic doorman you have here, How was your tennis game today? Have a rough match? I see you did, Do you play tennis? - Of course, How's your backhand? - Fair, How's your forehand? - Oh, they're terrific, You say you watched six tennis matches today? How do you feeI? Fine, Just fine, What'd you do today? - Just spent the day in court, My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket, Oh, why not get a big racket? You say you want a big racket? - Yeah, Excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you? Sure, Sam, What you want? I think you know why I'm here, Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here, - I feeI my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and culturaI and wholesome, You got your work cut out for you, bird, Now that was unwholesome, That was not culturaI, Fine, fine, But what can I do for you, Sam? I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show, Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow, you'll like this show, Good, Yes, yes, Tell me more, Let's see, We got Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero MosteI, Got a musicaI number - MusicaI number? Good, good, with Zoot and Rowlf, And then of course we've got We got the lady the lady wrestlers, The what? - Oh, nothing, Sam, It's just We got some lady lady wrestlers, Stand by for the pantomime number! Lady what? Lady wrest Wrest What? - Lers, Lady wrestlers?! Lady wrestlers! You don't understand, - Have we no shame?! Kermit, something, something must be done here, Someone must work for integrity and decency, Someone, someone must do this, I shall continue to speak out, knowing someday I will get my just desserts, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts, What was that? - Just dessert, The road is long, The path is steep, Oh, Dr Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory, Beaker, come on in here and let's show them Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots, Come on, Beaker, Just pick up the lid there, It's all right, Isn't that snazzy? Now these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way, except that they are magnetic, Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home on the roof of your car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator, Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback, Sometimes the magnetic carrots tend to attract steeI rabbits, Tune in next time for news of our research into the feasibility of cast-iron watchdogs, Beaker, Let's switch channels, This show is dull, You bet, What is that? It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theatre box watching television, - That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that, Excuse me, Mr MosteI, - Yes? I am Sam the Eagle - I'm so glad to know you, Yes, glad to know you, I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show, Are you really? - Yes, I believe this program is triviaI, and and not fit for family viewing, It is It is disgracefully lacking in culture, It is disgracefully lacking in culture, I'm glad you agree with me, yes, I, personally, have always felt that this program must must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness, Don't you agree with me, sir? - Of course, Yes, - Must be cleansed, Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike, Well, it's been a pleasure A pleasure talking to you, sir, A man of dignity, Dignity, Always dignity, Dignity, dignity I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am, What can I do for you? I understood you're looking for lady wrestlers, You see, I'm Granny the Gouger and I'd like to audition, You want to audition? That's very funny, Is this some kind of a joke or something? Joke? Funny? Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady, You're going to be old yourself someday, And when that day comes, you're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny, I think I'm sorry already, Late, late at night The world sleeps And I am here alone And here I come some nights To confront my fears They're here, my fears They are always with me Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting They come! And they go But though they are gone they are never far And here, alone at night I can confront them There they are, confronted fears Fears of hunger, fears of pain Fears of missing the last train Fear of dentists always drilling Fear that no one will be willing To see me as I know I really am Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled Like figments of my own imagination But always There are other fears Fears of snakes, fears of cats Fears of maitre d's and rats An irrationaI black terror that someday I may get fat Fear of elevators falling And the taxman someday calling And the accidentaI walling of myself Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar Where the spiders weave around my tummy And the worms and bugs and crawly things Squirm and squiggle at my person Oh, I love it! Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled But then There are other fears Fears of bullets, there's a dread Fear of baldness on the head Fear of waking up one morning To discover that you are dead Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled Like figments of my own imagination Then there is the last fear Just about the time I'm past fear The one that really is finaI It will come yours and mine'II In the darkest of the night It will come without a fight It will count me and compeI me It will casually dispeI me For I am just a figment Of its own imagination Oh, look at that, The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler, Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive, tough female with a killer's instinct? Hello, Kermit, Oh, hi, Miss Piggy, And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing? Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a speciaI spot in tonight's show, You have created a spot just for moi? Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion, Yes, yes, yes, Yeah, Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress with tremendous strength - Yes, - versatility - Yes, and someone who's all female, Oh, Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc? - No, Naughty Marietta? - No, Oh, Lady Macbeth, Well, it's more like a lady wrestler, Lady wrestler? Well, yeah, It's a sort of thing where you You have to have the ability to I mean, wrestlers are - Lady wrestler?! What do you make of that, man? - Ten to one on the pig, Right, - Lady wrestler?! Tonight we're gonna present you with a culturaI demonstration of female grace and dexterity, So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai BowI-A-Drome, Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask, One fall, no holds barred, Hope your insurance is paid, frog, Alley-oop! I think you'd better give up, frog, What, and leave show business? What did you do to my frog? I'll show you, Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show.
Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show, But right now I'd like to thank our speciaI guest star, who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr Zero MosteI, Come on out! Now you stop that, Mr MosteI, Well, that's about it, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Must there be a next time? What do you think of television? Shocking, isn't it?
Tonight's speciaI guest star has many, many talents, Let's see He acts, he sings, he dances, he does comedy, and they all add up to a great big zero for Zero MosteI, But first, in an attempt to placate the culture lovers of our audience Oh, at last, at last! and in the wings, we open tonight's show with a little classicaI music, Here is Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat.
Kermit, Kermit, the concert pianist could not make it, But I just introduced the Polonaise.
Here, I got a whole new intro written, Read that, Good luck, kid, Let's see Oh, OK, ladies and gentlemen, Chopin's Polonaise in A-Flat, as performed by Dr Teeth? What? Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! Honk it, honk it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Chopin! Chopin! OK! Cookin', cookin'! Oh, yeah! - Chopin! Chopin! You know, I'm really gonna enjoy tonight, You plan to like this show? - No, I plan to watch television, OK, good oI' Chopin, You can't beat the classics, You can only destroy 'em, Hey, frogis amphibious - Yeah? don't forget today is payday, Payday! Payday! Payday, again? It was payday last year, It seems to be getting to be a habit around here, Well, I'll see what's in the old cash box here, Three moths and a washer, Well, that's more than we usually have, Oh, where am I going to get the payroll money? Oh, how much do you need, Kermit? Oh, Scooter, 27 dollars and 1 4 cents, Wow! That's high finance, I'll get it, Hello? Oh, hi, Uncle J,P, That's Scooter's uncle, J,P, Grosse, the bloodless old tightwad who owns this theatre, Yeah, yeah, Well, listen Could you put your cigar out, please? Thanks, Oh, everything's fine, Yeah, except Kermit needs some money to make the payroll, What'd he say? He said, "Uh-huh," - Terrific, If - If what? If you put some good old-fashioned entertainment back into the show, You mean like an Irish tenor? - No, A dog act? Jugglers? Spoon players? What? Lady wrestlers, Terrific, I was afraid he wanted something tasteless, OK, now it's time for our speciaI guest to do something speciaI, Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Zero MosteI, Yeah, what's the name of this movie? - Beach Blanket Frankenstein.
AwfuI, - Terrible film, Yeah, well, we could watch The Muppet Show instead, WonderfuI, - Terrific film, Where am I gonna find a couple of lady wrestlers at this late date? Hello, Killer Katie, Terror of Toledo? How'd you like to work on The Muppet Show tonight? I see, TranscendentaI meditation, That's too bad, Now what? Hey, AnimaI, would you get the door? I say, would you get the door? Get the door, Ah, get the door! Maybe I could try Mother the Mauler, Here door, My, what a dynamic doorman you have here, How was your tennis game today? Have a rough match? I see you did, Do you play tennis? - Of course, How's your backhand? - Fair, How's your forehand? - Oh, they're terrific, You say you watched six tennis matches today? How do you feeI? Fine, Just fine, What'd you do today? - Just spent the day in court, My tennis instructor says I've been using too small a racket, Oh, why not get a big racket? You say you want a big racket? - Yeah, Excuse me, Kermit, may I speak with you? Sure, Sam, What you want? I think you know why I'm here, Well, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here, - I feeI my job is to make sure this program is morally upright and culturaI and wholesome, You got your work cut out for you, bird, Now that was unwholesome, That was not culturaI, Fine, fine, But what can I do for you, Sam? I want to know who is going to be on tonight's show, Oh, well, let's see, tonight's show is very classy, it's very highbrow, you'll like this show, Good, Yes, yes, Tell me more, Let's see, We got Fozzie is doing a pantomime with Zero MosteI, Got a musicaI number - MusicaI number? Good, good, with Zoot and Rowlf, And then of course we've got We got the lady the lady wrestlers, The what? - Oh, nothing, Sam, It's just We got some lady lady wrestlers, Stand by for the pantomime number! Lady what? Lady wrest Wrest What? - Lers, Lady wrestlers?! Lady wrestlers! You don't understand, - Have we no shame?! Kermit, something, something must be done here, Someone must work for integrity and decency, Someone, someone must do this, I shall continue to speak out, knowing someday I will get my just desserts, Sam, you will someday get your just desserts, What was that? - Just dessert, The road is long, The path is steep, Oh, Dr Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, Well, we've had a major breakthrough here at the laboratory, Beaker, come on in here and let's show them Muppet Labs' brand-new magnetic carrots, Come on, Beaker, Just pick up the lid there, It's all right, Isn't that snazzy? Now these carrots are perfectly ordinary in every way, except that they are magnetic, Yes, friends, you can carry these new magnetic carrots home on the roof of your car and store them on the ceiling of your refrigerator, Oh, of course, to be perfectly honest, there is one slight drawback, Sometimes the magnetic carrots tend to attract steeI rabbits, Tune in next time for news of our research into the feasibility of cast-iron watchdogs, Beaker, Let's switch channels, This show is dull, You bet, What is that? It looks like two ancient old guys sitting in a theatre box watching television, - That's crazy! No one would watch junk like that, Excuse me, Mr MosteI, - Yes? I am Sam the Eagle - I'm so glad to know you, Yes, glad to know you, I am the upholder of decency and dignity for this show, Are you really? - Yes, I believe this program is triviaI, and and not fit for family viewing, It is It is disgracefully lacking in culture, It is disgracefully lacking in culture, I'm glad you agree with me, yes, I, personally, have always felt that this program must must, I say, be cleansed of all nonsense and silliness, Don't you agree with me, sir? - Of course, Yes, - Must be cleansed, Now, it seems to me that you and I think alike, Well, it's been a pleasure A pleasure talking to you, sir, A man of dignity, Dignity, Always dignity, Dignity, dignity I'm sorry to keep you waiting, ma'am, What can I do for you? I understood you're looking for lady wrestlers, You see, I'm Granny the Gouger and I'd like to audition, You want to audition? That's very funny, Is this some kind of a joke or something? Joke? Funny? Young man, it's not nice to make fun of an old lady, You're going to be old yourself someday, And when that day comes, you're going to be sorry you weren't nicer to Granny, I think I'm sorry already, Late, late at night The world sleeps And I am here alone And here I come some nights To confront my fears They're here, my fears They are always with me Lurking, scurrying, hiding and waiting They come! And they go But though they are gone they are never far And here, alone at night I can confront them There they are, confronted fears Fears of hunger, fears of pain Fears of missing the last train Fear of dentists always drilling Fear that no one will be willing To see me as I know I really am Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled Like figments of my own imagination But always There are other fears Fears of snakes, fears of cats Fears of maitre d's and rats An irrationaI black terror that someday I may get fat Fear of elevators falling And the taxman someday calling And the accidentaI walling of myself Up inside a clammy, dank old dingy cellar Where the spiders weave around my tummy And the worms and bugs and crawly things Squirm and squiggle at my person Oh, I love it! Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled But then There are other fears Fears of bullets, there's a dread Fear of baldness on the head Fear of waking up one morning To discover that you are dead Once they are counted and compelled They can quickly be dispelled Like figments of my own imagination Then there is the last fear Just about the time I'm past fear The one that really is finaI It will come yours and mine'II In the darkest of the night It will come without a fight It will count me and compeI me It will casually dispeI me For I am just a figment Of its own imagination Oh, look at that, The show's almost over and I still haven't found another lady wrestler, Oh, where in the world am I gonna find another heavyweight, aggressive, tough female with a killer's instinct? Hello, Kermit, Oh, hi, Miss Piggy, And, pray tell, what is my wonderfulness doing? Oh, you see, I was just thinking that you'd be perfect for a speciaI spot in tonight's show, You have created a spot just for moi? Oh, tell me about it, my little green ball of passion, Yes, yes, yes, Yeah, Well, you see, this is a spot that requires an actress with tremendous strength - Yes, - versatility - Yes, and someone who's all female, Oh, Oh, what is it? Joan of Arc? - No, Naughty Marietta? - No, Oh, Lady Macbeth, Well, it's more like a lady wrestler, Lady wrestler? Well, yeah, It's a sort of thing where you You have to have the ability to I mean, wrestlers are - Lady wrestler?! What do you make of that, man? - Ten to one on the pig, Right, - Lady wrestler?! Tonight we're gonna present you with a culturaI demonstration of female grace and dexterity, So here they are, direct from the Bali Hai BowI-A-Drome, Granny the Gouger and the Mysterious Miss Mask, One fall, no holds barred, Hope your insurance is paid, frog, Alley-oop! I think you'd better give up, frog, What, and leave show business? What did you do to my frog? I'll show you, Well, that's about it for another Muppet Show.
Some of us have taken great pains to bring you this show, But right now I'd like to thank our speciaI guest star, who has joined the ranks of the Muppet monsters, Mr Zero MosteI, Come on out! Now you stop that, Mr MosteI, Well, that's about it, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Must there be a next time? What do you think of television? Shocking, isn't it?