The Neighborhood (2018) s02e02 Episode Script

1 - Hey, Gem.
- Hey, Tina.
got this honey! Come on in.
I'm almost done here.
Wow.
This is the first time I've been in the principal's office without being dragged in screaming, - "I didn't do it!" - (LAUGHS) Hmm.
Did you do it? Every time.
So, where are we headin' to for lunch? Anywhere but the cafeteria.
There was a food fight last week, - and I took a taco to the chest.
- Ooh.
Sorry to interrupt, Gemma, but there was an incident at lunch.
Oh, no.
How many tacos are missing, and how many kids were hurt? No, a student punched another student in the face.
TINA: Aah.
Please.
Rookie mistake.
Everybody knows that body blows are harder to prove.
Okay, send him in, Lorraine.
(SCOFFS) I'm sorry, Tina.
- I just have to take care of this.
- Ah.
You know, most of the students here are really well-behaved, but there are a few bad apples.
Hi, Mom.
He didn't do it! Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
(GROANS) Hey, Dave.
Hey, Calvin.
Didn't see you there.
Hey, so I, uh, heard Grover got into a fight at school yesterday.
Yeah, apparently, this kid Justin has been bullying him.
Pushing him, making fun of his clothes, which makes no sense, because I spent a lot of time picking them out.
Oh, wow.
That's that's rough, man.
So, where are you taking him to celebrate? What? Celebrate? Yeah, he's one and oh! That's how Tyson got started.
The kid's lucky he didn't bite his ear off.
Okay, well, in our house, we don't believe that violence solves problems.
Well, this didn't sound like violence.
I mean, this was more like self-defense.
Grover just did what he had to do.
And what you have to do is stop picking out his clothes.
Look Calvin, I'm not naive.
When I was in the military, I saw what violence does to people, and it's never good.
And please don't try to tell me that jean shorts aren't cool.
Look, if someone pushes you too far, at some point, you have to push back.
Every man has his breaking point.
Well, I disagree and let me tell you why.
Oh, looky there.
I just reached mine.
(CHEERING ON TV) Really? You two playing video games again? Yeah, we're playing Madden.
Oh.
In that case, I got next.
- Yeah, man.
- What's the score? I'm up, 21-17.
Oh, this game is over, man.
Dad, there's eight minutes left, I'm on his ten yard line.
- Not anymore.
Reset.
- (WHOOSH) Hey, did you hear that Grover beat some kid up in school? Yeah.
Dave told me the kid was bullying him.
Clearly, he didn't know Grover lives in a black neighborhood.
(CALVIN AND MALCOLM LAUGH) I live in a black neighborhood, and I never stood up to my bully.
What? You had a bully? Yeah, for a long time.
Well, you should have did something.
You know, give him the old two-piece and a biscuit.
I couldn't.
He was way bigger than me.
So? Look, if you let people push you around, they'll do it to you the rest of your life.
You know what? You're right.
Give me that! What the hell are you doing? Well, it's just what you said.
- I'm standing up to my bully.
- Me?! Go on, Marty.
Give him the old two-piece and a biscuit.
(MALCOLM LAUGHS) Look, Marty, I'm your father.
- I'm not your bully.
- Oh, really? What about when my friends came over to play Dungeons & Dragons, and you pretended to cast a spell of eternal virginity on us? It wasn't right, but he wasn't wrong.
Look, now, I did that for your benefit.
I didn't want you to be the weird guy that got picked on by the other boys.
It was last Tuesday, Dad.
Oh, yeah, I remember, because up until then, I'd never seen anybody wear suspenders and a belt.
Well, all I know is, you embarrassed me in front of my friends.
Okay, Marty, look And-and for your information, it was not a belt.
It was a sash! I know it's the weekend, but I feel like we should deal with this as soon as possible.
Okay, then, I'll see you in my office tomorrow.
And again, I'm sorry this happened to your son.
(PHONE BEEPS OFF) Your jerk-face bully of a son! You okay? No! I'm the principal, Dave.
My son isn't supposed to be beating up other kids! Even if they are a bratty little snot wad.
Okay, yes, clearly, Grover was provoked.
But I think we can both agree that violence is not the answer.
- Of course it isn't.
- Okay.
Good.
But why would you buy him those stupid jean shorts?! Ow! O-O-Okay.
(LAUGHS) Look, I know this puts you in a tough position, - but maybe I can help.
- How? Let me take Grover to his house, have him apologize, and diffuse the situation before the meeting.
That's a good idea.
I'll come with you.
That sounds great.
That way I can slash his stupid bike tires! Or, you know, maybe you sit this one out.
Tina, it's official.
You failed as a mother.
What are you talking about? Marty.
You made him soft with all your hugs and kisses and bedtime stories.
Well, if you want another bedtime story, you better think about the next thing that comes out your mouth.
Baby, the boy just told me that I was his bully.
Can you believe that? - Hell, yeah.
- What?! Tina, you're my wife.
It's supposed to be me and you against the kids.
Look, babe, I know what a good father you are and how much you love Marty, but sometimes you go a little too far when you make fun of his hobbies.
I don't know.
These kids today they're just weak.
I mean, when I was coming up, it wasn't bullying unless something was cut, broken or set on fire.
(LAUGHS) Oh, I know.
I went to the principal's office for all three of those.
Marty's just a little more sensitive than us.
Yeah, I guess maybe you're right.
But when he called me his bully, it just really hurt my feelings.
Dad, do I have to apologize? Yes, Grover.
When you do something wrong to someone, you owe them an apology.
(DOORBELL RINGS) You should give me one for buying those jean shorts.
Hi.
Can I help you? Hi.
I'm Dave Johnson, Grover's father.
Oh.
Probably a good idea.
It's, uh, cold and flu season.
What are you guys doing here? Grover wanted to apologize to Justin.
And you think my son wants an apology from the little punk who sucker-punched him? He's lucky Justin didn't kick his ass.
Do I still have to apologize? Yes.
Uh, look, man, I know that you're upset, but I don't think calling my son names is gonna make the situation any better.
Hmm.
Well, your situation's about to get a lot worse if you don't get out of my face.
Okay, I I think if we both just stay calm Now there's no need to push me like that.
Yeah? Oh, how about I push you like this? Fella (CHUCKLES) You're about this close to losing that apology.
Hey, Marty hold up.
What? What are you doing tomorrow? Oh, I was going apple-picking with some friends.
Sounds delightful.
But, uh, maybe when you're done, you can come back here, and we can play some of that, uh, Dungeon & Dragons.
I never tried it, and, uh, seems like fun.
Mama, get out here! I think Daddy's having a stroke! I'm not having a stroke.
I'm trying to show some interest in your stupid hobby.
I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
Are you serious? You really want to do this? Absolutely.
Okay.
Great.
- Well, thanks, Dad.
- Ah.
All right.
Ah.
Prepare thee for adventure! (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Oh, my God, what happened?! Justin's dad got a little heated, and he punched me.
What?! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm-I'm fine.
I can't believe he beat you up.
No, Mom, he didn't! Dad totally kicked his butt! It was awesome! Is that true? It wasn't what I wanted.
But it was pretty awesome.
You should have seen it, Mom! Justin's dad punched him, but then Dad gave him a couple of these.
(MAKES PUNCHING SOUNDS) And then Justin's dad went down.
And then Dad said Grover, please, go to your room.
No-no-no-no-no, that's not what he said.
There were way more curse words.
Okay, you know what? Grover, Mom's right.
Go to your room.
Okay.
Okay, I don't want any trouble.
I can't believe you got into a fight.
In front of our son? I know.
I'm sorry.
But if someone pushes you too far, at some point you have to push back.
Every man has his breaking point.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've Did you get that from Calvin? No.
Okay, yes.
Dave, I'm the school principal.
Do you know how this makes me look? He started it.
Really, Dave? That's your excuse? (SCOFFS) Told Grover that wouldn't work.
(LAUGHS) All right! Let's do this.
Hold on, Malcolm's playing, too? I didn't know you liked this game.
(CHUCKLES) I don't.
But I want to be here when you flip the table and storm out.
(LAUGHS) Look, I don't know the rules, but is there any way I can feed him to a dragon? Well, all things are possible in the Goblin Castle of Alkobar.
(LAUGHING) Oh, boy, here comes the table.
So, how long is this game gon' take? 20 minutes? Half hour? (CHUCKLES): Oh, no.
But if we hustle, we can do it in half a day.
Half a day? Wow, that's almost like too much fun.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
So, let's get right to it.
Okay.
I already created characters for you both.
- Malcolm.
- Yes.
You are Shadow Fang, a fighter elf.
(LAUGHING) You're a little tiny-ass elf! Actually, Dad, it's a common misconception that elves are little.
They're actually known for being tall and lean and extremely dexterous.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh.
Okay.
Well, in that case, I guess I'm an elf, too.
It's too late.
You a tiny-ass dwarf.
(MALCOLM AND MARTY LAUGH) And my name is Galumpkin? Yes! Galumpkin the Great, king of the dwarves.
You're an eighth-level barbarian who fights with an enchanted battle ax.
Well, all right! Okay.
All right, so, who you gonna be, Marty? Oh, no, I'm not one of the characters.
I am the Dungeon Master, the all-knowing, omnipotent guide through your epic journey.
And I get to wear this hat.
(SIGHS LOUDLY) Hey, there.
Oh, hi, Tina.
Damn, Dave, what happened to you? Somebody whup your ass? No.
I went to talk things out with Justin's dad, but he took a swing at me, so I had to fight back.
Wow, Dave.
I didn't know you had it in you.
So, you won? I totally kicked his ass.
Well, good for you for doing something incredibly stupid.
He hit me first.
Oh, yeah.
You know, that was always my excuse, too.
Or "I didn't do it!" Or "Karen stuffed her own head in the toilet!" I mean What was I supposed to do? Just walk away? (SIGHS) Look, I feel you, Dave, but think about Gemma.
What if this gets out to the other parents? This undermines her credibility at work.
She could lose her job.
I know.
You're right.
I-I got to fix this.
It's all right.
I'm sure you'll find a way.
Thanks, Tina.
Hey, so, what did Karen do to make you stuff her head in the toilet? She gave me a "C" on a test.
Okay.
You finally emerge from the mountain pass into a clearing, where you discover a stone giant! Damn it.
Malcolm, I told you what made those footprints.
Well, look, Pop, there's no way we can beat a stone giant.
Let's just backtrack and go the other way.
Are you kidding me? And go back through the Swamp of Lost Souls? I'm not going back there.
Look, come on, Pop.
Let's just run away.
No.
No, no, man.
We can beat this fool right here.
You know what? I drink a potion of strength while I cast a spell of confusion while attacking with my enchanted battle ax! Yeah.
Watch out, giant.
Here come the pain! That's a one.
You die.
What? No, that can't be right, man.
I'm Galumpkin.
G-Love! The Lump Dawg! I'm sorry, Dad.
The dice don't lie.
Well, we not giving up.
Ain't that right, Malcolm? Peace out, Lump Dawg.
All right, thanks for playing, Dad.
Wh-What do you mean, "Thanks for playing"? You can't talk to the king of the dwarves like that.
Come on, run it back.
No, you don't have to.
I know I don't have to, but I want to.
Yeah, but you two always make fun of me for this stuff.
Yeah, I know.
But, uh you know, sometimes I, uh You know me.
You know, I don't say things that, uh You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? Dad that is the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Well, I meant every word, son.
Look, Marty, look, I don't want to be your bully.
I'm your father, all right? And I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Come on, then.
Come on, boy.
I really appreciate you doing this with me.
It means a lot.
Good.
Good.
All right, now, sit your ass back down and put your stupid hat on.
Let's go.
Thank you for coming in, and please know I take this situation very seriously.
You should.
First, your kid assaults Justin, then your husband attacks me.
Apparently, our family isn't safe at school or at home.
I understand, but I assure you, Justin and you are completely safe.
- (KNOCK ON WINDOW) - Hello.
(YELPS) Dave, what are you doing here? I'm looking for Ed.
I told you he was crazy.
I just came to apologize.
I never should have let things escalate the way that they did.
Well, you should have thought of that before you beat him with his own shoe.
Okay, clearly, mistakes were made, and we all have a lot of healing to do.
Really? Is anyone else getting their stitches out on Friday? We didn't come here for an apology.
We came here to tell you that we're contacting a lawyer.
And after we're done, you're not going to be able to get a job anywhere.
Okay, wait a second.
Dave, let me handle this.
No.
Your husband and your son are a couple of animals.
"Animals"? You heard me.
Let's go, Ed.
Dave.
Uh, we should hear her out.
Here's what's gonna happen.
Grover's going to be suspended for fighting.
Justin's going to be suspended for bullying.
- But - Did I call on you? As a show of good will, Dave is not gonna press charges against Ed for attacking him first.
And in return, you won't press charges against Dave for making Ed his bitch.
That's it.
I'm calling the board of trustees.
Fine.
And I'm calling the IRS to report you for tax evasion.
(SCOFFS) What are you talking about? I'm talking about how your seven-year-old son is the registered owner of a 20-foot sailboat named Take it Sleazy.
(ED CLEARS THROAT) It was all her idea.
You know what? (CHUCKLES) Things did get out of hand, but it sounds like you've got the situation under control.
Finally, we agree on something.
C-Can we You may go.
That was amazing.
(CHUCKLES): Thank you.
How'd you know about the boat? Justin's not just a bully.
He's also a blabbermouth.
And, word on the playground, a bedwetter.
I can't believe how well you kept your cool.
You know, apparently, Calvin was wrong.
Not everyone has a breaking point.
Oh, no.
If she had said one more word about you or Grover, that ho would've been on the flo'.
Congratulations adventurers.
You found the exit to the Labyrinth of Despair.
You emerge into the light.
- Boom! Yeah! - Yes! But your path has been blocked by a man-eating ogre! - What? - Come on! What do you do? I say we try reasoning with him.
Let's lay down our weapons and let him know that we come in peace.
Good plan.
Good plan.
Like it.
I'm gonna go ahead and kill Dave.