The Neighbors s02e02 Episode Script

Larry, we're here.
Where's the fire? What? There's no fire.
What are you talking about? You called and said there was an emergency and to bring a fire extinguisher.
Yeah, there is an emergency, and bring a fire extinguisher.
They're two separate thoughts.
But why do you need fire extinguisher? We don't have one.
Well, what's the emergency? September is a kind of dead period for holidays, so I was looking through my calendar.
What exactly is April fools' day? Is that one of your crazy religious holidays, or one of your "I deserve a day off because working five days a week is too much" holidays? Well, it's just a day in April when people play pranks on each other, and then they yell, "April fools!" Pranks, ooh.
Well, that sounds more fun than yom kippur.
When do we get started? Well, Larry, it's September, okay? And as the name implies, April fools' day is in April.
Yeah.
You know, Larry, April fools' day may not be the holiday for you, because pranks take a certain nuance.
What are you saying? Are you saying that I lack nuance? I'll have you know I've got nuance falling out of my anuses.
- MnhMnh.
- Ah, come on, really? My God! What is that?! You know what, Larry? We're not falling for that.
Falling for what? All this holiday talk got me excited about Halloween.
I'll have you know that I am a prankster.
And a merry one at that.
I'm going to prank you so hard.
That's great, but, you know, you should probably change your shirt first, 'cause you you have something right right there.
Yeah.
What? What? I just boop! You will regret that, Marty Weaver.
Yeah? Guess what.
Your shoe's also untied.
You should boop! Again! Totally fell for it! See you.
He's good, but I'm better.
Mark my words, by the time this day is over I'll show them that I'm the merriest prankster! Aah! Ow! Dick, I'm trying to make a statement of intent here.
And mark my words, by the Ow! Ow! You know what? Forget it.
We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee then the humans moved next door started testing all our limits so sit right down, enjoy the show we'll be done in 30 minutes Ow, mom! If you pull out any more of my hair, I'm gonna start looking like grandma.
Oh, sorry, baby, but sometimes women have to hurt to look pretty.
Max, if you untie that tie, I'm taking away your bed for a week.
Why do I have to wear a bow tie and a vest? I look like magic Mike! - No, you don't.
- No, you don't.
Uh! Did you watch that movie after I explicitly told you not to? Hey, you and daddy are the ones who are wasting 20 bucks a month on Starz.
At least someone's using it.
Ooh! You guys look like Martha Stewart made you in her lab.
Oh, Dick, you literally said the perfect thing.
We're taking the Weaver family photo today.
And I am finally gonna get that one picture where everyone's eyes are open, everyone is clean, and everyone is smiling.
When am I not smiling, Debra? Don't forget your hair appointment! It's what I'm most looking forward to in my whole life.
Come on, guys, you're not gonna be this age forever, and I just want one perfect picture of my sweet, adorable family.
Tell me if I ripped my shirt open right now, the song "it's raining men" wouldn't start playing out of nowhere.
Okay, everybody stop watching "Magic Mike.
" I'm getting my picture, and I'm canceling Starz.
Humans.
T.
N.
L.
B.
T.
F.
T.
W.
They never learn, but they're fun to watch.
I hope it'll catch one.
Anyhoo, I'm here to challenge the Weaver children to a toy show-off.
You two game? Can we please go? Can't get dirty or sweaty or mess up your hair or your clothes.
- So - Go be kids.
Yeah! Yes! Yeesh, I'm scalpin' her.
- What are you doing, husband? - Research.
I'm coming up with a prank for Marty Weaver that will show him that his April fools' holiday is stupid, and that I am the biggest fool, and that sounded bad as soon as it came out.
Isn't April fools' in April? It is, which gives me only eight months to plan a grand prank.
Until then, I'm going to berate him with small, maddening jokes.
Like this.
It's an inflatable rubber bag which you place under someone's seat.
And when they sit down Ha! That is so clever! Isn't it? Just when I think humans are completely worthless, they go and invent something like this.
OhOh What else are you cooking up, Larry bird? Would you like some gum? Sure.
Ow! What the hell is wrong with you, Larry bird? That really hurt! It's not cool, man! It's not cool! Jerk! Ooh! That one's a keeper.
You know, most girls would be freaked out if their boyfriend's intergalactic soul mate stalked their house for a week.
Well, that's what makes you so special.
Dude, no, I'm saying it totally freaks me out that your intergalactic soul mate has been stalking your house for a week.
But she means nothing to me.
I mean, yes, she traveled across time and space to be with me.
Yes, the universe paired us at birth, and I'm magnetically drawn to her, but you're the one I want.
You don't believe me? Come on.
No.
Where are you going? I don't want to get up.
Okay.
- Hey, Reggie.
- Hi.
- Hi, Amber.
- Swimfan.
Jane, it's time for you to go home.
Amber's my girlfriend, and I love her.
I know you do, and I get that.
Amber's sardonic and intelligent, with the long hair and the alabaster skin.
She's lovely.
Truly.
But I'm your soul mate, Reggie.
Okay, I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I have to go get my hair blown out for a family photo.
I know.
I'll see you later.
Go away.
Oh, it's starting to get cold.
Do you want my Letterman's jacket? Your mathlete jacket? You know what? I think I'm already bordering on too popular.
That might just make them resent me.
Enjoy your blow-out! You're wasting your time, Jane.
I know this is hard on you, Reggie, and it pains me to see you like this, but you and I are destined to be together.
We're not done here.
No, we're not.
No, I meant, we are done here.
I know you did.
I love you.
I love you, t you Go away.
I thought we were gonna go play video games now.
Video games are for fat girls and virgins.
I'm gonna show you guys something really cool.
Oh, yes! Who's got nuance now? Father, I'm in the middle of a life crisis and don't have time for your juvenile shenanigans.
Where's mother? I didn't even put that there! That was just a happy accident! OhPranks! Ha! Mother, I need your help with Jane.
You've been crying.
No, no, it's fine.
Oh.
Well, how can I help? Well, I want to handle this like an adult, so I don't want you to advise me.
Or judge me.
Or question me.
But those are my three favorite things to do.
I know, but I have an idea to get Jane out of our lives forever.
So, are you in or out? Mm Hmm Okay.
I can't decide on which tie for the picture, okay? Paisleyor Captain America shield? - Now, before you answer, I think - Paisley.
Yeah, that's where I was Paisley.
Good afternoon, Weavers.
Oh, hey, Dick.
Where are Max and Abby? They're right behind me.
Listen, will you still love your kids when they're older? Dick, I love my kids unconditionally.
I will love them when they choose the wrong husband and wives to marry.
I will love them when they give birth to grandchildren that they never let me see.
I will even love them when their father gets sick, and they never come to visit, and the only company I have is a Jamaican hospice nurse who comes once a week to help me clean his face - and wipe his - Where are you right now? Oh Okay, and will you still love them if they look different from when you last saw them? Okay, Dick, what are you talking about? Funny story so we were showing off our toys, and I had to bring out my big gun.
Literally a big ray gun.
Did they get dirty? No But they're a little wrinkled.
All right, guys! Hey, dad.
Hi, mom.
Hello.
Dick, what's going on? Debbie, I aged your kids.
Dick, who are these people? Where's Max and Abby? This really is them.
Uh, Dick, I don't have time for this.
I am so sorry.
I am Debbie Weaver.
I know who you are, mom.
Hey, after we take the family picture, can we have a tea party? - What's happening? - Where are they going? - Where are they going? - I told you, these are your children.
Okay.
Dick, that's impossible.
Not if you have an aging machine, which I do, in my garage, next to the bowflex.
All right, so, if these really are our children, then, Abby, you will know that your birthday is - June 12, 2006.
- Hmm.
Max, what's your favorite movie? "Empire strikes back" and"Hairspray.
" What's my cellphone number? Aha! Deb, to be fair, I don't know that, either.
You don't know my cellphone number? Well, it's in my phone.
I just press your face, and it calls you.
Can we please focus on the issue at hand? All right, I'm sorry.
- Abby, what's your favorite doll's name? - Sophie.
- Is that right? - Yes.
Max, what's the nickname we gave Michael Phelps at the London Olympics? The ugly dolphin.
Oh! Geez! Dick, go get your dad! On it.
Where are we going, future husband? Don't call me that.
We're taking you to the bus station.
We are? Isn't the bus station You said you wouldn't question, advise, or judge.
And I'm not.
But don't you think that perhaps dropping an alien off at the bus station is maybe a little and I say this without judgment stupid? No, mother, it is not stupid.
When we get to the bus station, I'm gonna buy you a ticket to anywhere you want to go, give you money, and my life can get back to normal.
Reggie, you are my destiny.
The universe encoded my love for you in my D.
N.
A.
Amber Weaver won't even wear your jacket.
Okay, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
No more talking.
We're just going to sit here and listen to the radio in silence.
This thing doesn't have a radio.
Damn it.
I got my hands up, they're playing my song and I know I'm gonna be okay yeah it's a party in the U.
S.
A.
That's your favorite song! I know! Just keep driving! Are you okay? Can I get you anything else? I'm fine, mom.
Boobies feel weird, but other than that, I'm fine.
- Mm - Can you get me a beer? What? I can't make a joke? Marty.
Smell my boutonniere.
I promise it won't squirt water in your face.
Okay, now's not the time, Larry.
You need to fix this.
Oh, come on! Let me prank you! Why are there little people in your house? - Are you having a party? - No! That's Max and Abby.
Dick did something to them.
What did you do? I put the Weaver children in an aging machine.
Dick Butkus! How many times have I told you? That machine is for ripening fruit and distressing denim only! You ripened and distressed our children? Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my God! It was an accident, father! It was on the lowest setting, I promise! OhThat's good news.
The effects should be temporary.
Max and Abby should be back to normal by 6:00 P.
M.
Hang in there, guys.
Your children will be fine.
Probably.
Hopefully.
I should probably go and check the settings on the machine.
It will be fine.
You should both just relax.
Okay, great.
Thank you, Larry.
Of course.
You're welcome.
I see the joy buzzer in your hand, Larry.
Damn it! I'm sorry.
Please accept my apologies with this non-exploding cigar.
Fix my children, Larry! Damn it! I'm good at pranks! I am pranking your parents so good.
Awesome.
They're pretty easy marks.
Well, at least Max held on to his hair.
You know, I was worried that he got your father's genes.
Are you making a joke right now? No! I'm just trying to find a silver lining here, okay? There is no silver lining, Marty! This is black lining on a black cloud.
Oh, my God, I am a terrible mother.
The last thing I said to them was I was canceling Starz.
What if they don't change back? I don't know if I can be a good mother to a middle-aged them.
Hey, you could be a good mother to anyone.
And besides, Larry said they'll be back to normal by 6:00.
Mommy, my joints hurt.
Can you give me a bath? Give her a bath.
Please? Oh Oh I should probably call it at this point, but it's it's way too much fun.
Here.
I bought these for you.
Pick a place you want to live and go there.
- Goodbye.
- I'll see you soon, Reggie.
And you, too, mother Joyner-Kersee.
Looking forward to it.
I mean, good riddance, skank-face! Please don't leave angry.
I'm not angry.
I'm just Confused? Frustrated? I'll admit, it's not entirely fair to lay this on you.
But now that you've met me, you won't be able to forget me.
I'll be in your thoughts and dreams.
You'll see my face everywhere you look.
Sometimes you'll catch yourself talking to yourself, and you'll realize you were talking to me.
Soon I'll begin to feel like a phantom limb part of your body that you know should be there, but isn't.
Until you accept our destiny, every good thing in your life will feel empty, every sadness like an abyss.
Geez! Wow Good luck.
Let's go home.
Mother, stop.
Tell me I'm doing the right thing.
May I speak without restrictions or limitations? Please.
Son, love is complicated.
And confusing especially here.
On Earth, you have to find your love.
On Zabvron, your love finds you.
I can't tell you whether or not you're doing the right thing.
Only you know that.
But I do know that you are not the kind of boy who leaves a foreign girl alone at a bus stop with a handful of money and nowhere to go.
Get in.
It's 6:00, Deb.
Why are they not changing back? I don't know.
I'm starting to freak out.
No.
Yep.
You cannot freak out.
If you freak out, then I am gonna freak out, and you do not want me freaking out about this.
Well, I'm freaking out! I'm really freaking out, Deb! Oh! Mom, dad, do you still love us? Of course we do.
Yes.
Don't say that.
We love you very much.
There is nothing that could stop us from loving you guys.
That's right.
Oh.
Oh.
And it doesn't matter how old you are.
You will always be our babies, and we love you no matter what.
And no ray gun from some other planet is gonna change that, so Thanks, mom.
Now will you give me a bath? You betcha! Okay You took a shower earlier, right? Yeah.
I'm good.
Okay, good.
Mother, may I please speak with Jane alone? Thank you for for bringing me back, Reggie.
You're welcome.
But you can't stay here.
Soul mate or not, it's super creepy that you stand outside my house.
I get that.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be gone in the morning.
I'll be always on your beat always we'll be keeping time always I wrote you a letter thank you, Reggie.
The day I met you you're welcome.
It said in my heart you'll stay always Oh, always hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah oh, always hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah yeah ooh, ooh ooh You want to shave, um, with the flow of your whiskers.
'Cause when you shave against it, you could cut yourself or get razor burn.
Hey, I'm doing it, dad.
I'm shavin'! Yep.
Do you want your swimming mermaid? Yeah! Thanks, mommy.
I love you.
I love you, too.
April fools'.
Oh, you should see the looks on your faces! Hey, guys! You miss us? I pranked you so good! Oh, my God! You were about to give a complete stranger a bath! Oh, my God, thank God you're okay! I don't care about some stupid picture.
I love you unconditionally and always mm! Did I just give that woman a kiss? - Yes, I think you did! - Yeah, you did! Oh! Larry, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the ones who believed that we had an aging machine.
That was a mean, vicious, unconscionable thing to do.
OhI'm sorry.
Did it lack nuance? Am I not the prankster type? You have to admit, it was pretty good.
Well don't you dare say it was good.
No, I wasn't gonna say that.
Larry, who are these people, then? Oh, just some folks I met at the bus station.
They're from a traveling theater group.
- Aren't they wonderful? - Hey.
My name's Skip.
- Hey.
- And I'm Melanie.
- It's been great working with you.
- Nice to meet you.
If you think this was fun, wait till you see what I've got planned for April.
No! No, Larry! No, no, Larry! Larry! You guys want your robes back? - No, thanks.
- We're good.
Well, your hair looks beautiful.
Oh, no, Max, just keep keep your tie straight, and you make sure you look at the camera - and keep your eyes open.
Don't blink too much.
- Okay.
Amber, try and smile, or at least don't frown.
Marty, relax.
Everyone looks great.
I know how you want everything to be perfect.
Everything is perfect.
Okay.
In three, two Hey, dad, you're out of gin.
Come on, let's go.
What the hell is that?