The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e02 Episode Script

You know who else I hate? Magicians.
Here's a trick-- lose the cape and move out of your parents' garage.
Are you even listening to me? Christine! Ow! Barb.
Relax, it's just a pumpkin seed.
It really hurt.
Hmm.
It may have been a push pin.
What are you looking at? Richard.
Look at him, chatting up that girl.
What is he doing here anyway? This is a women-only gym.
There's not supposed to be men leering and saying filthy things while I work out.
He didn't say anything to you, did he? No.
Change stations now.
Hey! "Change stations now.
" God.
Am I bleeding? A little.
What's the matter with you, crazy? You're gonna scare all the customers away.
I'm trying to scare you away, Richard.
This is a gym for women only.
That's why there's a sign out front that says, "For women only.
" Yeah, and if that doesn't keep the men away, she puts the fatties in the machines by the window.
Okay, Barb-- first of all, they're people.
Okay? And second of all, we refer to them as "befores.
" Who is that girl? That's Denise.
She works at the deli I go to.
I saw her here and we started talking, so I Wow.
Hey! Change stations now! Richard, could you do me a favor and not hit on my hot clients? How do you think that makes Barb feel? Hey.
I wasn't hitting on her.
She asked me out.
What'd you say? What do you think I said? Look at her.
Wow.
I wonder if they make something like that in a man.
Barb.
Sorry.
Oh, shoot.
I gotta go.
I've been here for 35 minutes.
Remind me to take five minutes off my workout tomorrow.
I don't want to get too big.
Richard, I thought you were still torn up about New Christine.
Last week you told me you couldn't get through a single day without thinking about her every second.
Now you're out there slobbering over that coed.
I mean, what, what the hell's wrong with you? I am still in love with New Christine, but I've called her, I've e-mailed her, I sent her pictures of myself wearing nothing but a hardhat.
What am I supposed to do-- be alone for the rest of my life? Hey, I'm doing it.
I mean, how does this even happen to you? You buy a sandwich from someone and next thing you know you've got a date? Easy.
I say yes to life.
I say yes to life.
Have you dated anyone since last May? No.
Have you made any new friends? No.
Have you done anything fun? No.
But the corporate office sent me a voucher for a weekend in Sedona.
Did you use it? No.
Yeah.
You're all about "yes.
" Well, I hate the desert, okay? The dry air makes sparks in my hair.
Hey, I said yes to you.
Look where that got me.
Good one.
And I just don't understand that mentality, you know? New Christine broke up with him three months ago.
He loved her.
He still does.
Now he's out there toying around with some young thing? I mean, explain that to me.
I think it's kind of like that dog we had growing up-- Jumbles.
Do you remember how he used to always hump the furniture or anyone who came over? Come on, Richard's not like that.
Well, no.
Jumbles was a gentleman.
You know, women like sex, too.
It's just that if we don't have it for a week, we don't feel the need to pounce on the first thing that comes along.
We channel it in productive ways.
Meaning? We drink.
Or shop.
Or eat.
God, I am starving! - What are you guys talking about? - Denise.
Matthew.
Who's Denise? Um She's a, a new machine at the gym.
Do other machines have names? Just the dirty ones.
So what's the new machine like? Cheap.
A lot of plastic parts.
Easy to get on and off.
Sounds like a fun machine.
You know, Ritchie, now, listen to me.
You stay away from machines like that, okay? I'm not kidding.
You understand me? I'm gonna go wash my hands.
Good.
Clean is good.
Yeah, he's gonna be okay.
He's a clean boy.
What do you care who Richard messes around with? I don't care, okay? I just don't want Richard parading a string of floozies around my boy.
Do they still make floozies? I thought they discontinued floozies in the '40s.
You know what I mean.
God, we thought New Christine was bad.
Denise is even worse.
Yeah, and it's only going downhill from here.
As Richard gets older, the women are gonna have to get stupider and sluttier in order for Richard to be able to trick them into sleeping with him.
You know, he really had it good with New Christine.
If only we could fix Richard the way we did Jumbles.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I would have called first, but I didn't have your number.
Oh, that's okay.
I wouldn't have been home anyway.
Well, I probably would have just left a message on your machine.
I'm sorry, I didn't check my messages.
I No, I-I didn't leave a message.
I-I didn't have your number.
Oh.
Well, I should give it to you.
Great.
Listen.
New Christine Oh, you know, you can just call me Christine.
Oh, sorry.
Old habit.
New Christine, here's the thing.
I really think that you and Richard should get back together.
He really misses you.
He talks about you all the time, and, to tell you the truth, he's kind of a mess without you.
Wow.
I didn't expect that.
I thought for sure you were going to tell me you guys were getting married.
Or you're going out of town and wanted me to house-sit.
Uh No, no, I'm not going anywhere.
And I'm not marrying Richard.
He wants to be with you.
Well, he obviously still has feelings for you.
He kissed you.
Well, we have history.
With his tongue.
Nasty history.
But he really does miss you, and God, if it makes you feel any better, Ritchie misses you, too.
And Matthew.
And me.
I miss you, too.
Oh I don't think I can take him back.
Listen, New Christine, I have a personal philosophy that I would love to share with you.
What is it, Old Christine? No.
My philosophy is Say yes to life.
- This is your philosophy? - Yes.
You say yes to life? Yes.
Why is it so freakin' hard for people to believe that? Call him.
Say yes to life.
Well, I have to think about it.
Okay.
Well, that's fair enough.
- I'm glad I came over.
- Oh, me, too.
Yeah.
Come on.
Open.
Do you need help? I locked my keys in my car.
I think I can unlock it if I can just drop my card into the door.
Good.
Okay, that's done.
Well, do you have Triple-A? I do.
That was my card that just fell into the door.
If you could just help me turn the car upside down, maybe we could shake it out.
You want to grab the front? You smell good.
Excuse me? No, nothing.
Uh there was just a breeze and I smelled you.
I-I have a very sensitive nose.
I don't think anyone ever smells good, but you do.
So.
Bye-bye.
Wait, you're just gonna smell me and walk away? Yeah.
I think I am.
I just wish I'd walked away before I told you that I smelled you.
It's okay.
It's the best thing that happened to me all day.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Good luck.
You seem like a very together guy.
I'm sure you'll be able to figure this one out.
Now you're making fun of me? No, no, I was just flirting, but sometimes it comes out mean.
- I'm not good at it.
- Oh, well, me neither.
I have to stage a whole locked-out-of-my-car thing just to get women to talk to me.
You staged this? No.
Just kidding.
You see, my keys are right there on the seat next to my cell phone.
And the donor heart I was transporting.
Oh, really? No.
That's fun to do to you, though.
Well, it was nice chatting with you.
I'll smell ya later.
You want to have dinner with me? Oh, no.
I don't even know you.
You're just some guy on the side of the road.
No, I'm not just some guy.
I own a successful business, but I give a lot to the environment.
Kind of rich hippie.
I also love animals.
Especially lamb-- grilled with a little rosemary.
Come on, it's just dinner.
Say yes.
Yes.
Really? Yes.
Oh, wait a minute, you're not married, are you? - No.
- Then yes.
You don't live with your mother, do you? She's been dead for ten years.
Then yes.
Oh, you're not an alcoholic, are you? Not anymore.
Then yes.
- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.
How do I look? Looks like your butt's coming out your front.
Shut up.
Is it okay? Looks like you're trying to smuggle a couple of bald guys across the border.
- I'm changing.
- I'm kidding.
You're fine.
What are you so nervous about? I'm going on a date with a complete stranger.
Why did I say yes? If I'd said no, I'd be safely tucked in bed with a tumbler of chardonnay and a big bag of barbecue potato chips on my lap.
You know, you are one mattress fire away from being Mom.
Why did you say yes? Aw, it's my stupid new philosophy.
Sleeping with strangers seems more like your college philosophy.
Barb, it's a first date, okay? I'm not sleeping with anybody.
Unless he asks.
Hey.
Whoa.
I remember those guys.
What are you doing here? New Christine called.
She wants to get together and talk things over.
We're going out tonight.
Oh, that is great.
Yeah, she told me you went over there and I just want to say really How you guys doing? Don't answer him.
- I have a problem, though.
- What? When New Christine called, Denise was over and I couldn't exactly get rid of her, and now I don't know what to do.
- Well, where is she now? - In my truck out front.
You left the girl sitting in your truck? I put the radio on.
You're not afraid she'll chew up the seats? So that's the new machine at the gym.
- She's cute, huh? - Oh, definitely.
I'll take her off your hands.
Seriously? That would be awesome.
Anything I should know first? She doesn't like ethnic foods, and stay away from book stores.
Good to know.
This is a woman you are talking about.
That's why I asked those questions.
Here you go.
Anything interesting happen while I was gone? No.
I saw you fall off the couch.
Oh, yeah, I fell off the couch.
So I want to hear more about your new philosophy.
Oh, you know, it's pretty simple really.
I just say yes to everything.
Check please.
No, not everything.
It's just it's just that my ex-husband well, he kind of pointed out that I tend to be closed off to new opportunities.
So I thought I'd just, you know, try and change it up a bit.
You have a pretty good relationship with your ex? Yeah, pretty good.
We talk.
Make out sometimes.
That's a story for another day.
So how's your divorce? It looks like it's going to stick.
She's remarried.
To our marriage counselor.
Also a story for another day - Is everything okay there? - Oh, yes, sorry.
Sorry.
They don't get out that much.
They're a little excited.
So, um, did Richard say when he was coming back? Oh, yeah, should be any time now.
He just called.
He's, uh running a few minutes late.
I didn't hear the phone ring.
Oh, you didn't? Well, that's because I picked up the phone to make a call before it rang and, uh he was already on the line.
You know how that happens sometimes, and and you say, "Uh, hello.
" Uh, then they I can't do this.
He didn't really call.
I got that.
I'm sorry.
Do you want me to take you home now? What are my other choices? Wow.
I didn't see that coming.
I can't believe how stupid I was.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I haven't thought about anything else since you left.
I've been so lonely without you, too.
Why does it smell like deli in here? Oh, Christine.
So, this is it.
I had a really great time.
I'm really glad I said yes.
I'm glad you said yes, too.
I'm really glad you got locked out of your car.
I'm glad you noticed the back door was unlocked.
We should do this again sometime.
Oh, yeah, that would be wonderful.
Good night.
Um did I not mention to you my new philosophy of saying yes? You did.
Does that mean you want me to Yes.
This is the best philosophy ever.
Matthew Uh, Jeff, this is my brother Matthew.
- Hi.
- Hello.
And Denise.
My ex-husband and brother's date.
Well, it's getting late and I have to work in the morning.
And my cat's home alone, I should go feed him.
- Or we could go to my room.
- Okay.
So good night.
Yep.
You guys want me to leave so you can talk about me? Just for a second.
- Where's the bathroom? - It's right that way.
Take your time.
Matthew, that was really embarrassing to come home and find you making out on my couch with a stranger.
Well, how do you think it was for me being sat on by you making out with a stranger on the couch? We were not raised well.
So how was it? Oh, I had such a great time.
I mean he is so fun and interesting and smart.
Wait, smarter than you? God, yes.
And he's sincere and easy-going and sexy.
I just really like him.
- God, I'm happy for you.
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- We saw the lights on.
Yeah, come on in.
We're having a make-out party.
We just wanted to say thank you.
We had an amazing night.
We talked everything out, and well, we're back together.
- Congratulations.
- That's so fabulous! Yeah, once we started talking, all the old feelings came back.
Now I smell deli in here.
Oh, Christine.
And, uh, just for the record, we weren't having a make-out party.
And what about you? How'd it go? Christine had a date with a guy she picked up on the street.
Oh, it's gotten worse.
Oh, no, no, it was fantastic.
I'm telling you, when you say yes, amazing things happen.
Christine, did you happen to grab my keys out of the car? Triple A is going to be so pissed at me.
Daddy? Christine? What? - That's my date.
- That's my father.
- Your date? - Your father? You got to be freakin' kidding me.