The Odd Couple (2015) s02e02 Episode Script

1 (elevator dings) (smooth, soulful music starts playing) (pop) If you're planning on kissing me, please don't.
Oscar.
You're not supposed to be home for two hours.
And you were only supposed to live here for a few days.
Oscar, just clear out of here.
Emily's on her way up here to celebrate our two-week anniversary.
(music stops) And now I've got to re-petal the rose cannon.
Where do you even rent a rose cannon? I have no idea where you'd rent one.
(chuckles) You can buy one at Cupid's Armory on 85th.
Oh, my God, Felix.
Will you stop going overboard with all this stuff? What are you talking about? Your one-week anniversary when I came home and found you wearing a thong made of whipped cream? I put a sock on the door knob.
You put a sock in the wrong place.
Well, I'm sorry that you find our young love upsetting.
Young love? Your combined age is almost 100.
Look, I'm very happy for you and Emily.
But she's here all the time and you guys are constantly canoodling.
And look at that you got me saying the word "canoodling".
Well, I live here too.
Yes, and Emily lives two floors down, so can't you shoot off your love cannon down there? Not what I meant, but still works.
Fine, we'll give you the entire weekend.
Just get out of here before she gets here, please.
And close the door all the way, I have to re-rig all the effects.
And hands off the whipped cream.
I'm having pie later.
(smooth, soulful music starts playing) (pop) Damn it, Oscar! EMILY: Oscar's right.
We've been so in our own world we haven't taken his feelings into account.
We have to start thinking about other people.
But when I'm with you, it's like other people don't exist.
Then maybe you should stop inviting other people to lunch.
Sorry, Dani.
In our defense, we completely forgot you were here.
I guess if Oscar needs his space, we could spend the weekend at my place.
Oh.
Sure.
First time for everything.
Wait, what do you mean, first time? Well, we haven't actually spent a whole night together.
Really? But you have Dani, that is between me and 19 times.
So what's the big deal? I don't know, It's just that everything's been so perfect, you know? But sleeping over changes things.
You-you see each other without their makeup.
Snoring.
Drooling in their sleep.
Which is a medical condition and something you can't be blamed for.
What's wrong with you guys? This is the best part when you get to know each other.
Anybody can love you when you're at your best.
What you want is someone who can appreciate the real you.
I don't know, Felix.
You think you could still like me, warts and all? Of course I would.
That's just an expression, right? It's just I have so many quirks.
What if you think I'm crazy? Oh, please.
I have so many quirks, in high school they called me Captain Quirk.
And not in a nice way.
Aw.
Ugh.
Hey, Murph.
Am I catching you between girls? Oh, no, but if you had come over last night you would have.
(laughs) Wait, really? So what's up? Well, I got the apartment to myself this weekend.
I'm thinking of throwing a huge party.
Like we used to in the old days? Yeah, before Felix came along and vacuumed all the fun out of my life.
Hell yeah.
You remember that New Year's Eve in Miami? No.
Me neither.
Let's do that again.
This one's gonna be even bigger.
A 24-hour bash.
It'll be like a telethon, only we won't be helping anybody.
You sure you can still keep up? It's been a long time since you set that keg stand record.
Hey, I may be in my early 40s, but I've the heart of a 21-year-old girl.
I don't know why I said "girl".
Well, uh, c-can I invite anybody? Are you kidding? Invite everybody.
Invite the girls from last night.
Oh, yeah, I-I can't.
They got mad at me when they caught me with two other girls.
(laughs) Wait, really? Okay, I got to get food, alcohol, and you get ready for a night of debauchery.
Bows and arrows indoors? This party's gonna be off the hook.
Mm.
Well, I'm off to Emily's.
You got enough stuff for one night there? Just a few essentials eye mask, nasal strip, uh, special pillow, selection of sleep fragrances.
Do you suppose Emily has a mister? Sure doesn't seem like it.
(doorbell rings) (chuckles) Jolly.
All right, let's get this party started.
(laughs) Teddy, what's with the name tag? Oh, I told my wife I'm with my favorite client at Agent Con.
Of course, the biggest agent con was me convincing my wife there actually is an Agent Con.
Well, Oscar, I hope you have fun with your booze and your bimbos.
Oh, I will.
I was being sarcastic, because I actually think you're better than that.
Oh, I'm not.
Just promise me you won't spill anything and take your feet off of the coffee table, I just had it refinished, and for God's sake, use coasters.
Teddy, I'm counting on you - to be the responsible one.
- Uh-huh.
You think this wall can pass for a conference room at a airport Marriott? Uh-uh, come here, baby Welcome, ladies.
Do I know how to throw an Agent Con or what? Hey, you know, if Felix and Emily keep heading down this path, they may eventually move in together.
And this could be your future.
Stop it, Teddy, you're gonna make me cry.
All right, people, Dani is here.
Oh, I didn't think you were gonna come.
Why not? Well, maybe because I didn't invite you? Right.
Because you think I'm some sweet, churchgoing, Goody Two-shoes.
No.
Kind of.
Yeah, exactly that.
Let me just tell you something.
Just because I like the Good Book - doesn't mean I don't like a good time.
- All right.
Teddy, I hope you're ready for Wild Dani.
Oh, have you not met Wild Dani? - No, I don't think I have - No you have not, because you cannot handle Wild Dani.
Uh-uh.
Everybody, strap yourselves in, because here she comes.
Oh, okay, that-that's got a little bit of a kick.
Uh, y'all-y'all carry on, Wild Dani's gonna have herself a sit.
Wow.
If they gave out Academy Awards for sex You would be getting an Oscar instead of a Felix.
Well.
Well.
Well.
Here we go.
This is usually the part where we kiss good night and go our separate ways.
Yup.
Not tonight.
Tonight we expose our true selves.
A peek behind the curtains, if you will.
Speaking of, I peeked behind your curtains and somebody is getting a Dustbuster for Christmas.
Okay.
Um, I hope that you don't mind, but, um, I'm kind of used to sleeping farthest from the door.
You know in case of murderers.
Quirk.
You know, that is actually perfect, because I like to be closest to the door in case of fires.
Oh, well, look at us.
We both have our things and they totally go together.
Whew.
You sure brought a lot of stuff.
(chuckles) What's that? Oh, this is, uh, my white noise machine.
We could fall asleep to the sound of rain or the ocean or birds chirping in the treetops.
- Oh.
- Oh seems like the battery is dead.
Oh, I think I have a battery that would I mean, no I don't.
Oh, what's that? My humidifier.
What's that? My dehumidifier.
Huh.
Should I turn mine off? I mean, I won't be able to sleep, but I mean, I would turn mine off, but the moisture would close my throat, so I guess we could try putting them both on low.
Great.
And hope we don't start a tornado over the bed.
(chuckles) Speaking of two warm fronts colliding Yes, I did go to high school with him.
Say hi to your dad for me.
Oh, hey, Oscar, some of the guys want to throw stuff off the balcony.
What? Murph, no, we're 21 stories up.
You're gonna kill someone.
What about paper airplanes? They'd give me a ticket for littering.
What if we lit 'em on fire so they'd burn up before they hit the ground? I see no flaw in that plan.
Well done, Murph.
I swear, I'm way smarter when I'm drunk.
I think you might be right.
Bad news, Oscar.
We're running low on punch.
Oh.
How much do we have left? About a foot.
Damn.
I wish we had more alcohol.
Quick.
Make another wish.
Hot woman in lingerie! (honks, sniffs) (exhales, sniffs) Aw, damn, I think you're out of wishes.
What are you doing here, Felix? Just grabbing a sweater.
Turns out Emily likes her thermostat set to "Santa's meat locker.
" Whoo! Yeah! Wild Dani loves this song! Whoo.
(weakly): Whoo Looks like your assistant is down for the count.
How many of those has she had? Including the one in her hand? One.
I turn my back and the old Oscar just reappears.
Don't lecture me, Felix.
For a year, I've tried to evolve you from Primitive Cave Oscar into something more refined, but it seems like I have failed.
Well, you know, the poet Longfellow once Awesome party, buddy.
Yeah, it's been great, but it's getting a little late, and I was thinking maybe we should wrap things up before the neighbors start to complain.
What? I got a limo full of backup dancers on the way over here.
They are like regular dancers but with way lower self-esteem.
Who's ready to get this party started! (whooping) Yeah! Wait, it hasn't started yet? (soft snoring) (nervous chuckle) Emily, what are you doing? Nothing.
I was just moving this chair.
Why? Just a little late-night cardio.
Okay.
I block the door at night to keep out the murderers.
I know that it's weird, but it's just one of my things.
It's okay.
I totally get it.
You do? I do.
(muttering) The thing is, now I can't sleep.
Wh-What are you doing? Well, in your haste to protect us from nonexistent murderers, you have also blocked our only fire exit.
And I'm sure you will agree that clear egress is more important, so Felix.
There is not going to be a fire.
(shrieks) Fire right there! Fire! Felix, you're trying to scare me.
I'm not trying to scare you.
But it's silly to be worried about murderers when statistically, we're 44 times more likely to be burned alive in a fire.
Oh.
So I'm being silly? (softly): Only statistically.
Well, fortunately, you'll be safe, because it's too wet on your side of the room for a fire to actually take hold, Mister Humidifier at Full Blast.
Well, don't come crying to me when your side of the bed goes up like dry kindling! You wouldn't save me in a fire? That's not what I said, but while we're on the subject, I like that you get to sleep on the far side of the bed so that the murderers can get to me first.
Real nice.
So you admit that there is a murderer.
I'm being hypothetical! Don't worry, because he will drown before he gets to you.
Then there's no reason to move the chair! You know what? This isn't working.
Maybe you should just go.
Maybe I should.
But I don't know where.
I can't go back to Oscar's.
I don't care where you go.
Just leave so I can get some sleep without your-your machines and your breathing exercises.
Or your throat rattling, or your crazy, irrational fears.
I'm irrational? You have a second aid kid.
In case the first one fails.
Dark stars, baby (dance music continues) (knocking) Oh, God, I hope it's the police.
Hi.
How are you? Ha! Check me out! I'm one of those ancient sheet guys! (whooping) Murph! What the hell? Yeah, I know, dude a horse would've been way cooler, but the cop refused to get off of it.
Do you know what would happen to me if the condo board saw this? You got to get this thing out of here now.
Fine, fine.
Hyah! I'm sorry, man.
Thought you wanted a wild party.
I do.
I do.
Just admit it this isn't you anymore.
What are you trying to say, Teddy, that I'm getting old? No.
But maybe this is getting old which is okay.
You've moved on; you're more mature.
No, I'm not.
Shut up! You're mature! In fact, watch me break my keg stand record.
Murph, spot me! Oh, I gotcha, buddy.
GUESTS (chanting): Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oscar! Oh, ladies! You made it! (guests exclaiming) Uh Oscar, you-you all right? Let's call it a night.
Also, let's call 911.
(knocking) No, no, Dani.
I'll get it.
Oscar, she kicked me out.
Can I stay with you? How come good history never repeats itself? I'm sorry.
I know you wanted the apartment to yourself, so I've been pacing in the elevator short paces.
Wow.
You're actually cleaning up.
With my pants.
Yeah, they really sop up beer.
But don't worry, I'm gonna fold them when I'm done.
What happened to the party? I broke it up.
Turns out I can't party all night like I used to.
And you know who I blame? You.
Why me? When you first came here, you were a wreck.
But now you've got a girlfriend, you're moving forward.
And look at me: the first chance I get, I go running back to who I was.
But the problem is, I can't go running back to who I was, because I think I've grown up a little bit, too.
So thanks a lot, you jerk.
Sadly, that is the nicest thing that anybody has said to me tonight.
Why? What happened? Well Emily's got all these crazy things, and they butt up against my crazy things, and then we both got embarrassed and defensive and it got ugly, and everything was perfect and I ruined it.
Nah, you didn't ruin anything.
You're just finally getting to know the real Emily.
Oh, the real Emily? Who follows Hello Kitty on Twitter? You have to learn to accept her flaws.
And who are we to judge? I follow Batman.
But what if she can't accept all of my weirdness? I mean, my ex couldn't.
Well, there's no guarantees.
You're both humans, it's bound to get messy.
You know how I am with mess, Oscar.
Yes, I do.
What if she won't take me back? She was very upset.
Of course she will.
Just go back there and tell her tell her you're there for her.
Thank you, Oscar.
Go get her, buddy.
(door slams) Whoa! Whoa What happened? You don't remember doing all of this? Oh, Wild Dani, what'd you do, girl? Oh, I'm so sorry, Oscar.
Let me clean it up.
Well, if you insist.
Good night.
(door rattling) (whispering): I'm here for you.
(screams) Ah! - (alarm clock chirping) - Oh, Felix! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Oh, no Are you okay? Yes.
I think you bruised - the part of my brain that senses pain.
- Oh Well, in that case, I'm sorry for being such a neurotic mess and chasing you away.
It's okay.
In fact, it's better than okay, it's great, because it's not perfect, and maybe it's our lack of perfection that makes us so perfect.
How hard did I hit you? I'm fine.
I'm also a scared, neurotic mess, and I would like to try this again, please.
Me, too.
Oh, where did I hurt you? Right there.
Would you like me to get your Second-Aid kit? I think a kiss would make it feel better.
It's okay.
Good morning.
Wow.
The place looks amazing.
Took me long enough.
How'd things go with Emily? Well, she's a nutbag, Oscar.
But she's an adorable nutbag and she puts up with me, so what could be better? I'm glad to hear it.
Wow, you really did a bang-up job around here.
Well, I learned from the best.
And I have learned from you, my friend.
It's because of you I am more tolerant and dare I say it a lot more laid back.
Should've used a coaster.