The Office (US) s02e02 Episode Script

(PHONE RINGING) (CLEARING THROAT) Hey, what's up? Hey.
Any e-mails today? I don't think so.
No? Check your spam folder.
There it is.
What? "Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.
" Well done.
Kidding.
Topical.
MICHAEL: I am "King of Forwards.
" It's how I like to do business.
Everybody joking around.
We're like Friends.
I am Chandler and Joey.
And Pam is Rachel.
And Dwight is Kramer.
So, the monkey does the sex thing right here.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Not offensive, because it's nature, educational.
Do you want the link? 'Cause then you could forward it around.
Consider it? Maybe, maybe.
Well, we'll see.
Because I don't know if MICHAEL: Come on.
What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy! MICHAEL: Oh, you are so bad.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) This guy is out of control.
He is a madman.
Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Bleep-bleep.
What's up, Halpert? Still queer? MICHAEL: Todd Packer and I are total "BFF.
" "Best Friends Forever.
" He and I came up together as salesmen.
One time, we were out, and we met this set of twins, and Packer told them that we were brothers.
And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought them back to the motel, and then Packer did both of them.
It was awesome.
Okay.
Grade-A gossip for you.
Right now.
Randall, CFO, resigned.
Nobody knows why.
Are you kidding? Everyone knows why.
You don't know? Okay, check this out, all right.
What? So, here's the story.
Yeah? So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she's totally incompetent.
Really? Here we go.
Buckle up! It's gonna be a bumpy one! We're talking blonde incompetent, right? Oh, yeah.
Like, 10 words a minute? Talking? Well, to be fair, blondes, brunettes, you know, there are a lot of dumb people out there.
Right.
They are women, right? (EXCLAIMING) I didn't say it, I didn't say it! Come on, I said it.
And then suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
What'd I tell you about the bleep button? Hey, what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy.
Meant to ask you, can you think you can get somebody to drive me around because of the DUI situation? Bad boy.
Ryan? Come on, kid, let's go.
Man, that Todd Packer can do anything.
Except pass that Breathalyzer.
You a big William Hung fan? Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that? (EXCLAIMING) I'm really excited to meet your mom.
You are? My mom is coming in to visit.
She lives, like, two hours away, and she doesn't have a cell phone.
Which is cool, 'cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day, and I keep looking over at the door, hoping she'll walk in.
I'm excited to show her around.
She really wants to meet everybody.
Oh, yeah? Good.
'Cause I have a lot of questions.
Oh, really? Yeah.
"As a child, did Pam show any traits "that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?" Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video.
I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Yes! Forward it like it's hot, forward it like it's hot.
Old school.
Michael? Yes, Toby? I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
(CLEARING THROAT) Literally two seconds? Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate.
So he's really not a part of our family.
Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment.
So corporate asked me to do a five-minute review of the company's sexual harassment policy.
No.
No, Toby, no.
It's really not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
It's a big deal.
What are we supposed to do, scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on.
And then, corporate is gonna send in a lawyer What? No.
Just to refresh you on our policy.
What? He No.
Okay, what is a lawyer gonna come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious e-mails? Or not tell jokes? Maybe not some of them, maybe not inappropriate ones.
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke.
That's why it's a joke.
Everyone.
Hello, everyone? Hi.
Sorry to interrupt, I know you're all busy, and the last thing you want is for a major interruption.
But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day.
So take it away.
Yeah, okay.
Corporate would like us to do a five-minute review of the company's sexual harassment policy, so I'll go over that later.
MICHAEL: I wish you luck, Toby, I really do.
But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands.
And I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs.
So the next day, he goes back to complain.
And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5.
"What did you expect, lobster?" This is what's at stake.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING) Time to bring out the big guns.
I'm heading down to the warehouse, where jokes are born.
Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later.
And remind them what is great about this place.
So Here they are.
Guys.
Wondering if I could get your help for something? I am looking for a new joke to tell.
And it needs to be just killer.
And it does not need to be clean.
So what you got? Like, a joke, a knock-knock joke? Yeah, no, well, I mean, better.
Better than that.
The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
You know? Well Those are some awful tight pants you have on.
Where'd you get them, like, "Queers R Us"? "Boys R Us.
" All right, all right, well, good, yeah, but you know, a joke, but not necessarily at my expense.
So what've we got, like Man, we could see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide that.
Good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Okay.
But that was still about me, so Hey, hey.
What? So you don't have the biggest package, don't feel bad.
I don't feel bad.
I think he feels bad.
No, I don't.
Well, you look like you feel bad Okay.
'Cause it's a little package.
Well, you know not exactly A little package! what I was looking for, but thanks, guys.
Thank you.
You look good in those pants.
He gets it from his mama.
(ALL EXCLAIMING) So remember, intent is irrelevant.
And that's it.
Pam? I just wanted to say that, just, my mom's coming in today.
MILF.
Thanks, Kevin.
Usually, the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke.
She's coming in today, and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her.
Great point.
Thank you.
In fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.
All right, that's it.
If anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back.
It is over? TOBY: Yes.
MICHAEL: No.
I can go over it with you.
I know, I know, it's good.
It is not over.
It is not over till it's over.
TOBY: It's over.
Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't, because you all still look relatively happy.
Albeit bored.
Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously.
E-mail forwards.
Exactly.
Can we afford to lose e-mail forwards? Do we want that? I hate them.
You send me these filthy e-mails, and you say, "Forward them to 10 people or you'll have bad luck.
" Give me a break.
Stanley? How about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on.
And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it.
But what? Are we gonna just take it away? That is my daughter, she goes to Catholic girls' school.
I'm taking it down right now.
What about office romance? Office relationships are never a good idea.
So let's just try to avoid them, but if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR.
All relationships? Even a one-night stand? I think the old honor system was fine.
For example, I have never slept with an employee, and believe me, I could have.
Yeah, Meredith.
No, no, Catherine! Remember her? Remember how hot she was? DWIGHT: Yes.
She would have definitely slept with me.
She wasn't that hot.
Yes, she was.
TOBY: Okay, you know, Michael Damn it, Kevin.
I'm in an office relationship.
It's special.
She's nice, she's shy, she's actually here if you wanna meet her.
Hold on a second.
Oh, my God.
Put on a shirt.
Put on I told you that you'd be on camera.
I'm sorry, she's European.
No, I told you that you'd be on camera.
Stop.
What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line? TOBY: No.
What if they made out in front of everybody? TOBY: Well, that would be MICHAEL: At home? And I told everybody everything about it? Okay, I'm lost.
Okay.
Well, then, let's act it out.
Pam, you will be Girl A, and Girl B will be Okay, we'll use the doll.
Pam? Pam.
I wish Todd Packer was here, 'cause he would love this.
I wonder if anybody else would like to join us? Hey! We have to watch Toby's video that he's showing us, in order to brainwash us, and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Gonna be fun.
Got microwave pizza.
What do you say? Jim? No thanks, I'm good.
That's what she said.
Pam? My mother's coming.
That's what she said.
No, but, okay, well, suit yourself.
Hey, Toby.
Hey, Dwight.
You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Sure.
Where is the clitoris? On a website it said, "At the crest of the labia.
" What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like? Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy.
I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.
You know, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that.
Good.
Good.
And I should get back to work.
Okay.
In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line.
Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios, and ask ourselves, "Where is the line?" "The Natural Redhead.
" MAN: Hey, Marie.
Hey, Joe, Mike.
Settle a bet.
Are you a natural redhead? Stop the video! We go Stop it right there.
What? That's that girl from that thing.
I banged this girl right here.
That's her? Yes, this is the one, you remember? No, the party? DARRYL: Yes! You banged her? Yes, right here.
You are a naughty girl! MICHAEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.
Hypocrite! DARRYL: Leave those lips alone! Okay, she is a hypocrite.
That is such a scam.
Okay.
Yes? Yes, I did.
Okay, well, we can talk about that later, then.
Okay, you are never gonna believe this.
The girl in the video we're watching that corporate gave us, Darryl banged her And he's about 90% sure.
(DOOR OPENING) Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town, we got lost for half an hour.
I don't have any DUIs, so I can drive myself, but thanks.
Where is Michael "Snot"? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably.
So you are the lawyer, Mr.
O'Malley.
I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
I love lawyer jokes.
Well, it's probably because you don't get them.
When I said before that I was "King of Forwards," you gotta understand, that I don't come up with this stuff.
I just forward it along.
You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just delivering drugs from one guy to another.
You seem a little bit agitated, Michael.
What's the problem? The problem is that I am the boss, and apparently I can't say anything.
Well, that's true, in a way, you can't say anything.
Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan? Do you need to see the video again, Michael? No, I've seen the video.
He talked the whole time.
No, I didn't.
MICHAEL: What? Attention, everyone.
Hello.
Yes, I just want you to know that, this is not my decision, but from here on out, we can no longer be friends.
And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work-associated things.
And you can consider this my retirement from comedy.
And in the future, if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression, I will no longer ever do any of those things.
Does that include "that's what she said"? Yes.
Wow, that is really hard.
You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so That's what she said! Michael! MICHAEL: Come on! JAN: Michael, please.
There he is.
Please.
PACKER: Come on.
You would have done the same, you just didn't think of it first.
Michael.
Michael, please, I really It's That's It's not my sense of humor.
Okay.
Hello.
Jan, Mr.
O'Malley, this is my lawyer, James P.
Albini.
Your what? I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards.
He specializes in free speech issues.
And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.
This guy does it all.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Michael, Mr.
O'Malley is your lawyer.
What? Mr.
O'Malley is our corporate lawyer.
We have him on retainer to protect the company, as well as upper-level management such as yourself.
So I'm not in trouble? I'm so used to being the "bad boy.
" I am so used to fighting corporate, that I forget that I am corporate.
Upper management.
They hooked me up with an attorney, to protect me.
You can't be too careful about what you say.
Mo' money, mo' problems.
Okay, well, let's get you out of here, James.
I think we're under an hour still, so.
Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here.
I know.
Well, we'll talk about it later.
Thanks for coming in.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
I finally made it.
Hello.
I love my mom.
Okay, that's probably the most obvious statement ever.
Okay.
This is all yours? Yeah, I'm in charge of this whole area.
Oh, my goodness, that's great.
So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery.
" She goes, "Oh, my God, that's incredible, where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going.
Just be out of here by 5:00.
" (LAUGHING) PACKER: Boom! This is where I used to keep my computer.
Oh, right, I remember, with the picture.
But then I moved it.
Yeah, yeah.
But I switched stuff around, because I actually needed, like, more room for organization.
Sure.
So this is, like, an organization station.
Oh, there he is! Hey! How are you? Hey, handsome.
ROY: You look great.
Oh, thank you.
So, we ready for dinner? Well, you know, actually, I kind of need to stall a bit.
But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time.
I don't believe that.
Okay, I'm gonna go wait in the parking lot.
And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? A little classical, little oldies? Anything is fine.
All right, I'll see you.
(DOOR CLOSING) So, which one is Jim? Mom.
I just wanted to know.
No, it's All right, okay.
Okay.
Ten minutes.
Okay.
Then we can go to dinner.
I'll make myself busy.
There's this guy, he's at a nymphomaniac convention.
And he is psyched, 'cause all these women are smoking hot, perfect 10s, except for this one chick, who looks a lot like KEVIN: Phyllis? Yeah.
No, no, no, that crosses the line.
Ex-squeeze me? Not you.
Kevin, just unwarranted, hostile work environment, Kevin.
Well, Packer said it.
No, you said it, he pointed.
A point is not a say.
Look, Kevin, we are a family here, and Phyllis is a valued member of that family, like a grandmother.
I'm the same age as you, Michael.
I don't know about that.
We're the same high school class Well, I have a late birthday, and usually September is the cut-off point.
You know what? You just crossed the line.
Okay? There's a line, and you went over it.
And you must be punished.
So go to your corner.
You mean, where my desk is? Yes, your corner, go.
Okay.
I have a lot of work to do, anyway.
Oh, my.
They really got to you, didn't they? They didn't get to me.
I got to them.
I am still the same old Michael Scott.
New and improved.
You know what? I love Phyllis.
And know what else? I think she is gorgeous.
I think she is an incredibly, incredibly attractive person.
Come here, give me a kiss, come on.
Michael, come on, you don't have to worry.
I'm not gonna report you to HR.
I'm not I'm not worried! You know what? The only thing I am worried about is getting a boner.
Good work today, everybody.
Times have changed a little.
And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow.
And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore.
I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam.
As much as I might want to.
He said what?