The Onion News Network (2011) s02e02 Episode Script
Missing Baby Kate
This is The Onion News Network.
A tornado of truth decimating the mobile-home of lies.
Brooke Alvarez: Good evening, fact seekers! A breast cancer awareness walk was canceled today after organizers found everyone in America is already aware of the disease, pizza restaurant scientists have developed the smallest possible cup for water, and Rupert Murdoch's legal defense continues to be undermined by his frequent use of the word "peasants.
" Roll under the barbed wire and leave the stragglers behind to die.
They'll just slow us down.
I'm Brooke Alvarez and you're entering "The Factzone.
" Good evening.
Tonight, all of America is following the search for abducted, one-year-old Kate Harris, and no one has been following this case more closely than "The Onion News Network's" own Shelby Cross, who literally has not slept since baby Kate was abducted 72 hours ago.
She keeps taking what she calls her "vigilance pills.
" We'll get the latest on baby Kate from Shelby later in the show, but right now, I thought I'd take a moment to address some rumors that have been circulating online.
Yes, it's true, Thomas Pynchon and I have indeed divorced.
While it has been many years since I've been single, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone who lives up to my standards, which include a naturally hairless chest and fluency in a minimum of 16 languages.
On that note, I'd like to invite our viewers tonight to enter a Twitter contest we're holding-- whoever sends in the most complimentary tweet to me during the break, will win a lock of my flaxen tresses.
All right, we'll be reading the best responses later in the show, but right now, let's go to our top story.
Though the birth is still a few months away, a new government report says that the nation must be on high alert for an upcoming barrage of terrible Jay-Z rap ballads about fatherhood.
Government officials are warning everyone to take precautions to minimize the damage caused by the on-slaught of horrible rhymes Jay-Z is certain to put out once he becomes a father.
Joining us now to discuss this further is Brian Scott.
Brian, how bad could these songs possibly be? Brian Scott: Well, the latest projections, based on jigga man's career trajectory, suggests that we're headed for disaster.
He's already gone from ghetto anthems to Frank Sinatra-style ballads, which seems to indicate we could be looking at unprecedented levels of cheesiness.
Well, many Americans are not taking the threat seriously, Brian, saying that they wouldn't believe that Jay-Z could go that soft.
Right, Brooke.
A lot of people just don't wanna believe the possibility they might be caught listening to saccharine rhymes about the joys of fatherhood from the man who once put out bangers like "Money, Cash, Hoes.
" Yeah, so there's no telling how many millions are gonna be completely unprepared for a tsunami of cornball raps about his life has changed the moment his child came into the world.
Exactly-- from now on, we can expect cliched rhymes about trading liquor bottles for baby bottles, that sort of thing.
Mmm-hmm-- and no room in the Maybach for a child seat.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
A complete disaster! The CIA intercepted a couple of early tracks that have actually leaked out.
We won't play them now, out of respect for our viewers-- of course.
But take a look at some of these lyrics.
This is from a song called, ugh, "Reflections.
" And it goes on like that.
I know, that-that's even worse than I expected.
Thanks, Brian, for that report.
All right, now let's go over to Tucker Hope for our "Daily Briefing.
" Hey, Tucker, how're you holding up after that third donation? Tucker Hope: Oh, I'm fine, Brooke Just fine.
It's an honor to have the same rare blood type as you.
Oh, well, it's the entire reason you were hired.
Oh, great.
I've contributed three pints to your stockpile today.
Well, keep that blood coming, Tucker.
I may be needing some soon, because I've heard taking classes is a great way to meet other singles, so I've signed up for street luging and axe dancing.
Okay, then.
Let's start in Washington, where first lady, Michelle Obama, is under increased protection, after the secret service foiled a kidnapping plot by a group of obese people, angry over her attempts to get the country to eat healthier and exercise.
FBI agents uncovered this video manifesto created by an obese extremist group, which was intended to be released after the crime.
Anonymous: The first lady must stop her fascistic and un-American reduction of por-- of portion sizes, immediately! We won't let anyone tell us how many calories are in two 20 piece McNuggets.
We order that amount of chicken for a reason! The group had prepared to abduct Mrs.
Obama when she visited a school playground, using their girth to strike when the first lady sat down on a seesaw for a planned photo op.
And in Cupertino, California Apple announced it will be releasing a new version of recently deceased founder, Steve Jobs.
At the unveiling this afternoon, Apple CEO, Tim cook said the "Steve Jobs 2" will improve on the revolutionary "Steve Jobs 1.
" And come with new features, including curly hair, an upgraded version of Steve Jobs' design sense, and a sleek, new, white turtleneck appearance The "Steve Jobs 2" will also fix some of the original's problems, such as always wearing dad jeans.
Murphy Evans: I was really sad when the first "Steve Jobs" broke down, but the "Steve Jobs 2" looks awesome.
I-I can't wait.
Microsoft also announced today that they are developing a new version of "Bill Gates" called "The Bill Gates XE" which will be oddly large, and come with a tail that seems to serve no function.
And in international news, the White House has said that it will stand by Israel after their recent attack on the United States earlier today.
The white house released a statement saying And-- whoops! Turned a bit too fast.
Just blacked out there for a sec.
Tucker, Tucker, go get yourself a glass of orange juice and get back to that cot.
I want ten pints by the end of the day.
Now that I'm seizes life as a wild, fabulous, single woman, I made need more transfusions for energy.
Okay, we've got a breaking news blast now.
Quick poll data is showing that president Obama's popularity is skyrocketing after punching investment banker, Ron Milner, in the mouth a few hours ago.
Witnesses say that while the banker did nothing to provoke the punch, which was captured by a photographer during a White House meet 'n' greet, slugging little Mr.
Moneybags has given Obama instant credibility among voters who've previous been critical of his reluctance to shatter some wall street prick's teeth with his fist.
The president released a brief statement after the incident saying, quote Go to onionnewsnetwork.
com and let us know if you think Milner had it coming, or if Obama should've left the little dweeb alone.
All right, still no developments in the baby Kate case, but Shelby Cross has a plan to bring the missing one-year-old back home.
Good evening, Shelby.
Thanks for being with us today.
Tell me, how are you holding up? Shelby Cross: It makes absolutely no difference, whatsoever-- we just have to find baby Kate.
Of course, of course.
And you have a plan? Listen, we need to search every home in America and find out who's hiding baby Kate! I did the math on this.
Now, listen-- between us, we have well over four million viewers.
Well over.
And there are 125 million homes in America.
Mmm-hmm.
That's 31 homes per viewer.
We could knock that out in one night.
You said a mouthful! Listen-- I don't care if you've known your neighbor for over ten years.
I want you to get over there when they're not home.
I want you to Jimmy the lock, get inside, and start lookin' around.
I took a camera with me last night on one of my baby Kate raids, just to show people how it's done.
And I wanna thank my, uh, cameraman, Robby, for coming with me.
Did a terrific job.
Could we look at this? You're gonna wanna stay nice and low to the ground so they can't see your head in any first floor windows.
Now, I like to use a nice, thick Terry cloth towel, but you can use a rock in a pinch.
Come on-- let's go.
Baby Kate? Remember, baby Kate could be anywhere, so you have to search - every nook and cranny.
- No.
Are you in here? Oh! I think this house is clean.
Let's roll, Robby.
Well, that looks easy enough.
I could do that.
Of course you could, Brooke! Now, listen-- for anybody out there, if you find baby Kate, what to do? I want you to tuck her into one of those "cross examination" abductee rescue bags.
Yes.
I sell these on my website.
Email me with the subject line "I've got baby Kate" and then, just wait for me to come to you.
This is far too important to involve the police.
Now, I also want you to check your own house.
Your own house? Yes-- what if your spouse or one of your children abducted baby Kate? What if you abducted baby Kate in a fit of psychotic, temporary psychosis? That's true.
This kind of thing happens.
I checked my house last night, and then I checked it again this morning, and then I lit it on fire, to make it perfectly clear to any kidnapers out there, "You are not welcome to hang out "in my house when I'm at work.
" Wow, Shelby, thanks for being on the show today.
Oh, my pleasure.
Wow, that Shelby Cross is an American original Whatever that means.
During the break, log on to: Onionnewsnetwork.
com, take our "Instapoll.
" "Do you think the media has been paying too much attention to "the story of missing baby Kate?" We'll have the results when we come back.
Does someone even think I could've done this? [ Indistinct chatter .]
So far, there have been eight Tucker Hopes helping Brooke co-host "Factzone," but just how does the network train its Tucker Hopes? Tucker: Before you become a Tucker Hope, there's an intense training period.
We call it "Hope Camp.
" You learn to react to anything Brooke says.
They use a tape of her voice, a-a wire-framed mannequin, and a paper mache mask of her face.
It's called "Wire Brooke.
" And then by the time you meet the real Brooke, hopefully, you're ready.
Brooke: Yeah, whatever they do, it works.
You guys have great reflexes.
Tucker runs the touch screen, but he's also helpful in other ways-- he gets me things.
Uh, I want something, say, like a kale shake.
I just say, "Tucker, kale shake!" You know which Tucker Hope I really miss? The Asian one.
He was a good Tucker Hope.
Brooke: All right.
Let's check our "Instapoll.
" The question is, "Has the media been paying too much attention to the story "of missing baby Kate?" Thirty percent said, "No, please do more special reports and show "more ads about this topic.
" Forty percent said, "The Onion News Network' has been doing a perfect amount of coverage.
" And thirty percent said, "I agree-- 'The Onion News Network's' coverage "has been perfect.
" Wonderful! Well, it looks like we're getting a "News Blast" here.
The wall street banker whose pretty, little face got knocked out of shape by the president is now making his first public statement since that fateful punch earlier today.
Let's bring you there live.
Ron Milner: All I did was my job and, uh, for that I'm getting my teeth chipped by the president, permanently, for no reason.
Man: Shut up! Excuse me, what? What do you mean, "Shut up?" I mean, shut up, asshole, or I'll chip the rest of your goddamn, pretty-boy teeth.
Oh, oh, that's nice.
Uh, why don't you focus on taking notes in your little notebook? Man #2: Maybe we should kick your ass.
Oh, yeah? Go for it, asshole! Oh, yeah, come on! Hate me, hate me! I don't care-- hate me-- Man #3: Obama should've punched you in the dick.
Hey, big guy, it's not my fault that your parents wasted their money on "J" school.
Get a real degree and then, we'll talk.
Jesus Christ! Ah! It's times like these that I miss being a field reporter.
I'd wrap my hand around a stack of nickels and knock that pretty little, fine ass prick's teeth right down his throat.
All right, it's time for some entertainment news now.
"Star Fix" entertainment reporter, Angelique Clark, is here to fill us in on the Fall TV line-up.
Welcome, Angelique! Angelique Clark: Hi, Brooke.
Hey, it's so great to see you.
You know, we rarely get a chance to hang out like the two single gals that we are-- I texted you a little earlier today, letting you know that I am officially back on the market.
Oh, right-- you're, uh, you're taking the classes.
Well, actually, I just found out today that 97% of all the men who are taking those classes, either wear a ponytail or wear shorts all year round, so I canceled it-- yeah.
Which means I'm free tonight, if you want to get together.
Maybe go to the dance club, dance to the dance music? What do you think? Uh, sure.
All right-- call me.
Okay-- well, onto the fall TV lineup, which is positively jam packed with big shows.
First up, there's Fox's new vocal competition, "X Factor," but "The X Factor" is facing off against some stiff competition, sitting on the couch in the dark, not watching "The X Factor.
" While "The X Factor" has a lot going for it, including familiar faces, like Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, sitting quietly in the dark features both darkness and quiet, things which may prove more appealing to viewers.
Broam Brecht: My Wednesday nights are-are really pretty full-- I got the news at 6:00, I've got "Modern Family" at 7:00, then I stand, uh, with my arms dangling at my side, staring at nothing for an hour, and then "ESPN" at 9:00.
I just don't see "The X Factor" really fitting in there.
And "Boardwalk Empire" has announced big changes for the end of its second season on "HBO.
" In response to lackluster ratings, "HBO" has announced they will be retooling the 1920s period mob drama into a more modern mafia show starring James Gandolfini.
In an interview, "HBO" executive Jeff Gorman told "Entertainment Weekly" that lead character, prohibition era racketeer "Hucky" Thompson, will be re-imagined as a north Jersey mob boss, in the present day, who regularly talks to a psychiatrist.
Gandolfini says he's excited about joining the show telling ew.
com And also new this fall is Fox's "Terra Nova," a Sci-Fi drama about a band of time-travelers who go 85 million years into the past.
With this show being compared to previous hits like "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica," Sci-Fi fans are already buzzing about how the show's creators will eventually screw up the series-- some are guessing a five-year-old child, who is actually God, will be introduced around season six to start clumsily wrapping up plot lines, under the guise of a moronic, spiritual message, while others are speculating ghosts will show up for no reason.
Chris Sarinsky: Dinosaurs could a-- might actually start talking to the humans, because they're actually, uh, aliens or something else like that.
Uh, don't worry.
We'll figure it out last minute.
All right.
Back to you, Brooke.
Thanks, Angelique.
Hey, what's comin' up on the "Star Fix" tonight? Well, I'm going to try to get Taylor swift to say something anti-semitic.
Fantastic.
Look forward to it.
Okay, call me, besty.
Hey, I just love that Angelique.
She's somethin' else.
Now, for the tragic story of a drunk driving death, let's turn to "Onion News Network" rising star, O'Brady Shaw.
[ Music .]
O'Brady Shaw: Amanda Eckland's classmates say she was one of the kindest and most generous students at Montgomery High.
Her 4.
00 GPA and hours spent volunteering at a local homeless shelter, truly make her death at the hands of a drunk driver earlier this week, all the harder to take for this school and this community.
Woman: I just keep asking "Why?" Me, too-- Why-- why Amanda? Why not us? I never knew Amanda, but everywhere I went, there were touching reminders of the caring friend she would've been to me, had I known her.
The halls where we would've talked about our classes The student lunchroom where we might've shared a piece of pepperoni pizza, which might have been her favorite food I know it's mine.
Well, it wasn't easy comin' back to school, now that Amanda's gone, but we did it, because that's what she'd have wanted us to do Because that's "our" Amanda.
Boy: But you didn't know her.
Don't say that.
I was already exhausted after the emotional rollercoaster ride at the school But I knew there were more victims to be with Amanda's family.
Maria Eckland: That's her senior photo.
She was class president.
She was so talented.
It's just not fair.
It's just not fair.
Well, I guess that God must've had some reason for taking her away.
Right now, I can't even imag-- excuse me.
I need a minute.
I'm sorry.
Can I keep this? Um losing Amanda was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, but I knew I had to be strong for this community.
I couldn't let them go through the funeral without my support.
I don't want the pain to stop.
I don't want it to get any easier-- she's so much better than all of us.
I don't wanna go on.
The pain-- she did so much good.
She cared about so many people.
She-she loved me so much.
Andrew, she loved you so much.
What's your name? She loved you, Russell.
And we have O'Brady Shaw with us right now.
Thanks, Brooke.
Not quite how I would've reported the story.
Seems a bit unprofessional to let yourself get so emotional.
Well, when people are feeling pain, I feel it, too.
Don't you ever get emotionally invested in a story? No, I don't-- you know, I had my tear ducts cauterized years ago, and I like to keep my emotions stored in a special place in my mind where they only come out for my night terrors.
I guess it's like that old, Japanese proverb [ Speaking Japanese .]
Yeah, okay.
I saw that, uh, special report you did from the war zone in Darfur the other night.
You almost got shot, at one point.
I didn't even notice.
I was so wrapped up in the feelings of the moment.
That bullet could've passed right through me, I wouldn't have even felt it.
Yeah-- too bad that didn't happen.
Okay, thanks for stoppin' by, O'Brady.
All right, when we come back, we'll read some of the best entries for our "Compliment Brooke Twitter Contest," and who knows where things might lead from there.
Maybe you'll invite me over on a ride on the container ship that you use in your import-export business.
Maybe we get a little frisky.
Well, let's just say, "We'll see.
" Stay with us.
Brooke: You can take off your lie-proof vest now because you're back in "The Factzone.
" Well, we got a lot of entries into the "Compliment Brooke Alvarez Twitter Contest," including user @tonycamin who says "@brookealvarez Hell YEAH I'd tap that.
" And @24fantom who says "You SLAMMIN girl!" Well, it looks like we don't have a winner just yet because these compliments are pitiful.
Thomas used to say that my beauty was like a fulgent shaft of light piercing an empty room.
You're gonna have to try harder, people.
Well, in efforts to reduce the number of troops in Afghanistan, the U.
S.
military has increasingly relied on the use of unmanned predator drones.
But after ten years of combat in Afghanistan, is it time to take a second look at our policy of killing Afghan children with missiles shot from terrifying, remote control, flying robots? Well, for some answers on this, let's see what the "First Responders" have to say.
Hello, Duncan, Jason, Nancy.
So, "First Responders," could dropping bombs on Afghans without warning, from terrifying robot airplanes that fly themselves, actually hurt America's efforts to stabilize Afghanistan? I think it's complicated.
N-n-n-not at all, actually.
I think we need to stay the course-- you don't change horses midstream-- And you don't stop, uh, firing missiles from unseen death droids, uh, soaring high above the clouds, just 'cause a couple of schools get blown up.
Jason Copeland: Well, I-- you know, I-I-I disagree with that-- I mean, a-accidentally bombing children with our super army of automated missile-firing bots may have worked great at the start of the war, but conditions on the ground have changed.
True, true.
I mean, we have got to find another way to obliterate this population.
Nancy Fichandler: What about flaming bulldozers, or 50-foot tall tanks! Yeah, 'cause you know, military experts do credit thundering death upon the hapless heads of Baghdadi farmers, screaming like capricious gods, with turning the whole Iraq war around.
Well, o-okay-- so-so, maybe using a silent hovering, uh, genocidal computer is unavoidable at wartime.
Yes-- yeah.
But let's do what we can for these civilians.
I mean, why not name the drones "Billy" or "Steve" to make them seem less dispassionate.
That is a terrible idea! "Billy" is a horrible name for a drone! And "Steve" is even worse.
"Keith.
" "Steve?" "Nancy's" not a great name.
Well, you know what, some experts have suggested making robots that are more visually re-assuring.
Uh, this Pentagon report was released saying that they're not developing a 40 foot robot that actually looks more like an American soldier and also sprays lasers out of his eyes.
Well, at least, that's a step forward.
Look, a-as long as it fires missiles and bombs with very low accuracy and zero Americans are at threat, I'm all for it.
Good point, Duncan.
They should give it funny, floppy arms.
Yes.
Or it should spray candy out of its chest a few minutes before it starts shooting everything.
You know, Jason, that's actually a-a really nice gesture for the children who don't accidentally get, uh, mowed down by the bullets.
Sure.
Yeah-- well, thank you, "First Responders.
" Excellent debate.
Yeah.
All right, now, looks like we have more breaking news from the white house.
Vice president Joe Biden, looking to capitalize on the president's banker punch bounce, announced moments ago that he, quote, "took a shit on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange" earlier this evening.
Reporters and onlookers had a much more muted reaction to the vice president's announcement, asking him no questions and staring silently at him for a full two minutes, before vice president Biden tried to get running high-fives from everyone in the crowd.
Colin Brylle: If you ask me if he regrets it, then no.
The vice president doesn't believe in regrets.
We've seen an immediate flood of responses over Biden's act on Twitter.
So, let's go over to Tucker now to see what people are saying.
Tucker? Tucker: Well, Brooke, so far American's have expressed somewhat conflicted approval of the vice president's actions.
We've received tweets from viewers saying All right, thanks, Tucker.
And I must say, you're looking a little less pale.
Yes, Brooke-- I drank two quarts of orange juice and I'm feeling much better now.
Thanks.
Fresh squeezed, I hope.
I don't want my blood to come in contact with processed sugar.
Of course.
All right.
Now, a lot of you have been asking me what the secret ingredient is in my Brookaroos Snack Cakes.
I've never told anyone before, but I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag, right after this break.
Brooke Alvarez: You're back in "The Factzone," and I'll bet your munching on some Brookaroos.
So, what's the secret ingredient? Well, every time I bake a tray of Brookaroos Snack Cakes, I hold the face of one of my rivals over the bowl and just let them cry right into it.
So, my friends, what you're tasting is victory and it is sweet.
That's gonna wrap it up for us here in "The Factzone," but before we go, I'd like to introduce you to my new single girl posse that you'll be seeing me around town with.
First off, not a big surprise, is Angelique Clark, our entertainment reporter.
Oh, sure, she's a little slutty, but in a fun way.
Then, there's Shelby.
She's a little uptight and focuses a bit too much on work-- Sometimes she drives men away because she wants to be on equal ground with them or wants to arrest them for being a pedophile.
And lastly, current "it" girl Pippa Middleton.
I haven't met her yet, but no matter.
I've sent some people to collect her in London.
Okay, that's it for tonight, folks.
Go take a walk, clear your head, and we'll see you here back in "The Factzone" tomorrow.
A tornado of truth decimating the mobile-home of lies.
Brooke Alvarez: Good evening, fact seekers! A breast cancer awareness walk was canceled today after organizers found everyone in America is already aware of the disease, pizza restaurant scientists have developed the smallest possible cup for water, and Rupert Murdoch's legal defense continues to be undermined by his frequent use of the word "peasants.
" Roll under the barbed wire and leave the stragglers behind to die.
They'll just slow us down.
I'm Brooke Alvarez and you're entering "The Factzone.
" Good evening.
Tonight, all of America is following the search for abducted, one-year-old Kate Harris, and no one has been following this case more closely than "The Onion News Network's" own Shelby Cross, who literally has not slept since baby Kate was abducted 72 hours ago.
She keeps taking what she calls her "vigilance pills.
" We'll get the latest on baby Kate from Shelby later in the show, but right now, I thought I'd take a moment to address some rumors that have been circulating online.
Yes, it's true, Thomas Pynchon and I have indeed divorced.
While it has been many years since I've been single, I'm sure I'll be able to find someone who lives up to my standards, which include a naturally hairless chest and fluency in a minimum of 16 languages.
On that note, I'd like to invite our viewers tonight to enter a Twitter contest we're holding-- whoever sends in the most complimentary tweet to me during the break, will win a lock of my flaxen tresses.
All right, we'll be reading the best responses later in the show, but right now, let's go to our top story.
Though the birth is still a few months away, a new government report says that the nation must be on high alert for an upcoming barrage of terrible Jay-Z rap ballads about fatherhood.
Government officials are warning everyone to take precautions to minimize the damage caused by the on-slaught of horrible rhymes Jay-Z is certain to put out once he becomes a father.
Joining us now to discuss this further is Brian Scott.
Brian, how bad could these songs possibly be? Brian Scott: Well, the latest projections, based on jigga man's career trajectory, suggests that we're headed for disaster.
He's already gone from ghetto anthems to Frank Sinatra-style ballads, which seems to indicate we could be looking at unprecedented levels of cheesiness.
Well, many Americans are not taking the threat seriously, Brian, saying that they wouldn't believe that Jay-Z could go that soft.
Right, Brooke.
A lot of people just don't wanna believe the possibility they might be caught listening to saccharine rhymes about the joys of fatherhood from the man who once put out bangers like "Money, Cash, Hoes.
" Yeah, so there's no telling how many millions are gonna be completely unprepared for a tsunami of cornball raps about his life has changed the moment his child came into the world.
Exactly-- from now on, we can expect cliched rhymes about trading liquor bottles for baby bottles, that sort of thing.
Mmm-hmm-- and no room in the Maybach for a child seat.
Yeah, right.
Yeah.
A complete disaster! The CIA intercepted a couple of early tracks that have actually leaked out.
We won't play them now, out of respect for our viewers-- of course.
But take a look at some of these lyrics.
This is from a song called, ugh, "Reflections.
" And it goes on like that.
I know, that-that's even worse than I expected.
Thanks, Brian, for that report.
All right, now let's go over to Tucker Hope for our "Daily Briefing.
" Hey, Tucker, how're you holding up after that third donation? Tucker Hope: Oh, I'm fine, Brooke Just fine.
It's an honor to have the same rare blood type as you.
Oh, well, it's the entire reason you were hired.
Oh, great.
I've contributed three pints to your stockpile today.
Well, keep that blood coming, Tucker.
I may be needing some soon, because I've heard taking classes is a great way to meet other singles, so I've signed up for street luging and axe dancing.
Okay, then.
Let's start in Washington, where first lady, Michelle Obama, is under increased protection, after the secret service foiled a kidnapping plot by a group of obese people, angry over her attempts to get the country to eat healthier and exercise.
FBI agents uncovered this video manifesto created by an obese extremist group, which was intended to be released after the crime.
Anonymous: The first lady must stop her fascistic and un-American reduction of por-- of portion sizes, immediately! We won't let anyone tell us how many calories are in two 20 piece McNuggets.
We order that amount of chicken for a reason! The group had prepared to abduct Mrs.
Obama when she visited a school playground, using their girth to strike when the first lady sat down on a seesaw for a planned photo op.
And in Cupertino, California Apple announced it will be releasing a new version of recently deceased founder, Steve Jobs.
At the unveiling this afternoon, Apple CEO, Tim cook said the "Steve Jobs 2" will improve on the revolutionary "Steve Jobs 1.
" And come with new features, including curly hair, an upgraded version of Steve Jobs' design sense, and a sleek, new, white turtleneck appearance The "Steve Jobs 2" will also fix some of the original's problems, such as always wearing dad jeans.
Murphy Evans: I was really sad when the first "Steve Jobs" broke down, but the "Steve Jobs 2" looks awesome.
I-I can't wait.
Microsoft also announced today that they are developing a new version of "Bill Gates" called "The Bill Gates XE" which will be oddly large, and come with a tail that seems to serve no function.
And in international news, the White House has said that it will stand by Israel after their recent attack on the United States earlier today.
The white house released a statement saying And-- whoops! Turned a bit too fast.
Just blacked out there for a sec.
Tucker, Tucker, go get yourself a glass of orange juice and get back to that cot.
I want ten pints by the end of the day.
Now that I'm seizes life as a wild, fabulous, single woman, I made need more transfusions for energy.
Okay, we've got a breaking news blast now.
Quick poll data is showing that president Obama's popularity is skyrocketing after punching investment banker, Ron Milner, in the mouth a few hours ago.
Witnesses say that while the banker did nothing to provoke the punch, which was captured by a photographer during a White House meet 'n' greet, slugging little Mr.
Moneybags has given Obama instant credibility among voters who've previous been critical of his reluctance to shatter some wall street prick's teeth with his fist.
The president released a brief statement after the incident saying, quote Go to onionnewsnetwork.
com and let us know if you think Milner had it coming, or if Obama should've left the little dweeb alone.
All right, still no developments in the baby Kate case, but Shelby Cross has a plan to bring the missing one-year-old back home.
Good evening, Shelby.
Thanks for being with us today.
Tell me, how are you holding up? Shelby Cross: It makes absolutely no difference, whatsoever-- we just have to find baby Kate.
Of course, of course.
And you have a plan? Listen, we need to search every home in America and find out who's hiding baby Kate! I did the math on this.
Now, listen-- between us, we have well over four million viewers.
Well over.
And there are 125 million homes in America.
Mmm-hmm.
That's 31 homes per viewer.
We could knock that out in one night.
You said a mouthful! Listen-- I don't care if you've known your neighbor for over ten years.
I want you to get over there when they're not home.
I want you to Jimmy the lock, get inside, and start lookin' around.
I took a camera with me last night on one of my baby Kate raids, just to show people how it's done.
And I wanna thank my, uh, cameraman, Robby, for coming with me.
Did a terrific job.
Could we look at this? You're gonna wanna stay nice and low to the ground so they can't see your head in any first floor windows.
Now, I like to use a nice, thick Terry cloth towel, but you can use a rock in a pinch.
Come on-- let's go.
Baby Kate? Remember, baby Kate could be anywhere, so you have to search - every nook and cranny.
- No.
Are you in here? Oh! I think this house is clean.
Let's roll, Robby.
Well, that looks easy enough.
I could do that.
Of course you could, Brooke! Now, listen-- for anybody out there, if you find baby Kate, what to do? I want you to tuck her into one of those "cross examination" abductee rescue bags.
Yes.
I sell these on my website.
Email me with the subject line "I've got baby Kate" and then, just wait for me to come to you.
This is far too important to involve the police.
Now, I also want you to check your own house.
Your own house? Yes-- what if your spouse or one of your children abducted baby Kate? What if you abducted baby Kate in a fit of psychotic, temporary psychosis? That's true.
This kind of thing happens.
I checked my house last night, and then I checked it again this morning, and then I lit it on fire, to make it perfectly clear to any kidnapers out there, "You are not welcome to hang out "in my house when I'm at work.
" Wow, Shelby, thanks for being on the show today.
Oh, my pleasure.
Wow, that Shelby Cross is an American original Whatever that means.
During the break, log on to: Onionnewsnetwork.
com, take our "Instapoll.
" "Do you think the media has been paying too much attention to "the story of missing baby Kate?" We'll have the results when we come back.
Does someone even think I could've done this? [ Indistinct chatter .]
So far, there have been eight Tucker Hopes helping Brooke co-host "Factzone," but just how does the network train its Tucker Hopes? Tucker: Before you become a Tucker Hope, there's an intense training period.
We call it "Hope Camp.
" You learn to react to anything Brooke says.
They use a tape of her voice, a-a wire-framed mannequin, and a paper mache mask of her face.
It's called "Wire Brooke.
" And then by the time you meet the real Brooke, hopefully, you're ready.
Brooke: Yeah, whatever they do, it works.
You guys have great reflexes.
Tucker runs the touch screen, but he's also helpful in other ways-- he gets me things.
Uh, I want something, say, like a kale shake.
I just say, "Tucker, kale shake!" You know which Tucker Hope I really miss? The Asian one.
He was a good Tucker Hope.
Brooke: All right.
Let's check our "Instapoll.
" The question is, "Has the media been paying too much attention to the story "of missing baby Kate?" Thirty percent said, "No, please do more special reports and show "more ads about this topic.
" Forty percent said, "The Onion News Network' has been doing a perfect amount of coverage.
" And thirty percent said, "I agree-- 'The Onion News Network's' coverage "has been perfect.
" Wonderful! Well, it looks like we're getting a "News Blast" here.
The wall street banker whose pretty, little face got knocked out of shape by the president is now making his first public statement since that fateful punch earlier today.
Let's bring you there live.
Ron Milner: All I did was my job and, uh, for that I'm getting my teeth chipped by the president, permanently, for no reason.
Man: Shut up! Excuse me, what? What do you mean, "Shut up?" I mean, shut up, asshole, or I'll chip the rest of your goddamn, pretty-boy teeth.
Oh, oh, that's nice.
Uh, why don't you focus on taking notes in your little notebook? Man #2: Maybe we should kick your ass.
Oh, yeah? Go for it, asshole! Oh, yeah, come on! Hate me, hate me! I don't care-- hate me-- Man #3: Obama should've punched you in the dick.
Hey, big guy, it's not my fault that your parents wasted their money on "J" school.
Get a real degree and then, we'll talk.
Jesus Christ! Ah! It's times like these that I miss being a field reporter.
I'd wrap my hand around a stack of nickels and knock that pretty little, fine ass prick's teeth right down his throat.
All right, it's time for some entertainment news now.
"Star Fix" entertainment reporter, Angelique Clark, is here to fill us in on the Fall TV line-up.
Welcome, Angelique! Angelique Clark: Hi, Brooke.
Hey, it's so great to see you.
You know, we rarely get a chance to hang out like the two single gals that we are-- I texted you a little earlier today, letting you know that I am officially back on the market.
Oh, right-- you're, uh, you're taking the classes.
Well, actually, I just found out today that 97% of all the men who are taking those classes, either wear a ponytail or wear shorts all year round, so I canceled it-- yeah.
Which means I'm free tonight, if you want to get together.
Maybe go to the dance club, dance to the dance music? What do you think? Uh, sure.
All right-- call me.
Okay-- well, onto the fall TV lineup, which is positively jam packed with big shows.
First up, there's Fox's new vocal competition, "X Factor," but "The X Factor" is facing off against some stiff competition, sitting on the couch in the dark, not watching "The X Factor.
" While "The X Factor" has a lot going for it, including familiar faces, like Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, sitting quietly in the dark features both darkness and quiet, things which may prove more appealing to viewers.
Broam Brecht: My Wednesday nights are-are really pretty full-- I got the news at 6:00, I've got "Modern Family" at 7:00, then I stand, uh, with my arms dangling at my side, staring at nothing for an hour, and then "ESPN" at 9:00.
I just don't see "The X Factor" really fitting in there.
And "Boardwalk Empire" has announced big changes for the end of its second season on "HBO.
" In response to lackluster ratings, "HBO" has announced they will be retooling the 1920s period mob drama into a more modern mafia show starring James Gandolfini.
In an interview, "HBO" executive Jeff Gorman told "Entertainment Weekly" that lead character, prohibition era racketeer "Hucky" Thompson, will be re-imagined as a north Jersey mob boss, in the present day, who regularly talks to a psychiatrist.
Gandolfini says he's excited about joining the show telling ew.
com And also new this fall is Fox's "Terra Nova," a Sci-Fi drama about a band of time-travelers who go 85 million years into the past.
With this show being compared to previous hits like "Lost" and "Battlestar Galactica," Sci-Fi fans are already buzzing about how the show's creators will eventually screw up the series-- some are guessing a five-year-old child, who is actually God, will be introduced around season six to start clumsily wrapping up plot lines, under the guise of a moronic, spiritual message, while others are speculating ghosts will show up for no reason.
Chris Sarinsky: Dinosaurs could a-- might actually start talking to the humans, because they're actually, uh, aliens or something else like that.
Uh, don't worry.
We'll figure it out last minute.
All right.
Back to you, Brooke.
Thanks, Angelique.
Hey, what's comin' up on the "Star Fix" tonight? Well, I'm going to try to get Taylor swift to say something anti-semitic.
Fantastic.
Look forward to it.
Okay, call me, besty.
Hey, I just love that Angelique.
She's somethin' else.
Now, for the tragic story of a drunk driving death, let's turn to "Onion News Network" rising star, O'Brady Shaw.
[ Music .]
O'Brady Shaw: Amanda Eckland's classmates say she was one of the kindest and most generous students at Montgomery High.
Her 4.
00 GPA and hours spent volunteering at a local homeless shelter, truly make her death at the hands of a drunk driver earlier this week, all the harder to take for this school and this community.
Woman: I just keep asking "Why?" Me, too-- Why-- why Amanda? Why not us? I never knew Amanda, but everywhere I went, there were touching reminders of the caring friend she would've been to me, had I known her.
The halls where we would've talked about our classes The student lunchroom where we might've shared a piece of pepperoni pizza, which might have been her favorite food I know it's mine.
Well, it wasn't easy comin' back to school, now that Amanda's gone, but we did it, because that's what she'd have wanted us to do Because that's "our" Amanda.
Boy: But you didn't know her.
Don't say that.
I was already exhausted after the emotional rollercoaster ride at the school But I knew there were more victims to be with Amanda's family.
Maria Eckland: That's her senior photo.
She was class president.
She was so talented.
It's just not fair.
It's just not fair.
Well, I guess that God must've had some reason for taking her away.
Right now, I can't even imag-- excuse me.
I need a minute.
I'm sorry.
Can I keep this? Um losing Amanda was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, but I knew I had to be strong for this community.
I couldn't let them go through the funeral without my support.
I don't want the pain to stop.
I don't want it to get any easier-- she's so much better than all of us.
I don't wanna go on.
The pain-- she did so much good.
She cared about so many people.
She-she loved me so much.
Andrew, she loved you so much.
What's your name? She loved you, Russell.
And we have O'Brady Shaw with us right now.
Thanks, Brooke.
Not quite how I would've reported the story.
Seems a bit unprofessional to let yourself get so emotional.
Well, when people are feeling pain, I feel it, too.
Don't you ever get emotionally invested in a story? No, I don't-- you know, I had my tear ducts cauterized years ago, and I like to keep my emotions stored in a special place in my mind where they only come out for my night terrors.
I guess it's like that old, Japanese proverb [ Speaking Japanese .]
Yeah, okay.
I saw that, uh, special report you did from the war zone in Darfur the other night.
You almost got shot, at one point.
I didn't even notice.
I was so wrapped up in the feelings of the moment.
That bullet could've passed right through me, I wouldn't have even felt it.
Yeah-- too bad that didn't happen.
Okay, thanks for stoppin' by, O'Brady.
All right, when we come back, we'll read some of the best entries for our "Compliment Brooke Twitter Contest," and who knows where things might lead from there.
Maybe you'll invite me over on a ride on the container ship that you use in your import-export business.
Maybe we get a little frisky.
Well, let's just say, "We'll see.
" Stay with us.
Brooke: You can take off your lie-proof vest now because you're back in "The Factzone.
" Well, we got a lot of entries into the "Compliment Brooke Alvarez Twitter Contest," including user @tonycamin who says "@brookealvarez Hell YEAH I'd tap that.
" And @24fantom who says "You SLAMMIN girl!" Well, it looks like we don't have a winner just yet because these compliments are pitiful.
Thomas used to say that my beauty was like a fulgent shaft of light piercing an empty room.
You're gonna have to try harder, people.
Well, in efforts to reduce the number of troops in Afghanistan, the U.
S.
military has increasingly relied on the use of unmanned predator drones.
But after ten years of combat in Afghanistan, is it time to take a second look at our policy of killing Afghan children with missiles shot from terrifying, remote control, flying robots? Well, for some answers on this, let's see what the "First Responders" have to say.
Hello, Duncan, Jason, Nancy.
So, "First Responders," could dropping bombs on Afghans without warning, from terrifying robot airplanes that fly themselves, actually hurt America's efforts to stabilize Afghanistan? I think it's complicated.
N-n-n-not at all, actually.
I think we need to stay the course-- you don't change horses midstream-- And you don't stop, uh, firing missiles from unseen death droids, uh, soaring high above the clouds, just 'cause a couple of schools get blown up.
Jason Copeland: Well, I-- you know, I-I-I disagree with that-- I mean, a-accidentally bombing children with our super army of automated missile-firing bots may have worked great at the start of the war, but conditions on the ground have changed.
True, true.
I mean, we have got to find another way to obliterate this population.
Nancy Fichandler: What about flaming bulldozers, or 50-foot tall tanks! Yeah, 'cause you know, military experts do credit thundering death upon the hapless heads of Baghdadi farmers, screaming like capricious gods, with turning the whole Iraq war around.
Well, o-okay-- so-so, maybe using a silent hovering, uh, genocidal computer is unavoidable at wartime.
Yes-- yeah.
But let's do what we can for these civilians.
I mean, why not name the drones "Billy" or "Steve" to make them seem less dispassionate.
That is a terrible idea! "Billy" is a horrible name for a drone! And "Steve" is even worse.
"Keith.
" "Steve?" "Nancy's" not a great name.
Well, you know what, some experts have suggested making robots that are more visually re-assuring.
Uh, this Pentagon report was released saying that they're not developing a 40 foot robot that actually looks more like an American soldier and also sprays lasers out of his eyes.
Well, at least, that's a step forward.
Look, a-as long as it fires missiles and bombs with very low accuracy and zero Americans are at threat, I'm all for it.
Good point, Duncan.
They should give it funny, floppy arms.
Yes.
Or it should spray candy out of its chest a few minutes before it starts shooting everything.
You know, Jason, that's actually a-a really nice gesture for the children who don't accidentally get, uh, mowed down by the bullets.
Sure.
Yeah-- well, thank you, "First Responders.
" Excellent debate.
Yeah.
All right, now, looks like we have more breaking news from the white house.
Vice president Joe Biden, looking to capitalize on the president's banker punch bounce, announced moments ago that he, quote, "took a shit on the steps of the New York Stock Exchange" earlier this evening.
Reporters and onlookers had a much more muted reaction to the vice president's announcement, asking him no questions and staring silently at him for a full two minutes, before vice president Biden tried to get running high-fives from everyone in the crowd.
Colin Brylle: If you ask me if he regrets it, then no.
The vice president doesn't believe in regrets.
We've seen an immediate flood of responses over Biden's act on Twitter.
So, let's go over to Tucker now to see what people are saying.
Tucker? Tucker: Well, Brooke, so far American's have expressed somewhat conflicted approval of the vice president's actions.
We've received tweets from viewers saying All right, thanks, Tucker.
And I must say, you're looking a little less pale.
Yes, Brooke-- I drank two quarts of orange juice and I'm feeling much better now.
Thanks.
Fresh squeezed, I hope.
I don't want my blood to come in contact with processed sugar.
Of course.
All right.
Now, a lot of you have been asking me what the secret ingredient is in my Brookaroos Snack Cakes.
I've never told anyone before, but I'm gonna let the cat out of the bag, right after this break.
Brooke Alvarez: You're back in "The Factzone," and I'll bet your munching on some Brookaroos.
So, what's the secret ingredient? Well, every time I bake a tray of Brookaroos Snack Cakes, I hold the face of one of my rivals over the bowl and just let them cry right into it.
So, my friends, what you're tasting is victory and it is sweet.
That's gonna wrap it up for us here in "The Factzone," but before we go, I'd like to introduce you to my new single girl posse that you'll be seeing me around town with.
First off, not a big surprise, is Angelique Clark, our entertainment reporter.
Oh, sure, she's a little slutty, but in a fun way.
Then, there's Shelby.
She's a little uptight and focuses a bit too much on work-- Sometimes she drives men away because she wants to be on equal ground with them or wants to arrest them for being a pedophile.
And lastly, current "it" girl Pippa Middleton.
I haven't met her yet, but no matter.
I've sent some people to collect her in London.
Okay, that's it for tonight, folks.
Go take a walk, clear your head, and we'll see you here back in "The Factzone" tomorrow.