The Ranch (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

You don't want to keep the baby? [scoffs.]
You haven't thought this through.
Are you serious? That's all I've done! I'm 23, Colt.
I'm not ready to have a kid.
I've seen how hard it's been on my mom and Darlene to raise kids by themselves.
But you're not doing this by yourself.
- Colt! - I'm gonna be there with you.
I'm not gonna be like Darlene's kid's father.
Or Darlene's other kid's father.
Or your dad.
Or Darlene's dad.
Colt, do you love me? I mean I think you're great.
Well, I don't love you.
And what about Abby? Don't you wanna be with her? It's not about what I want anymore.
It's This isn't about me, it's about this kid! We're gonna have to make sacrifices.
Yeah, well, when I have kids, I want it to be with someone I love! Colt, when it's someone who loves me, I want a real family! Come on, everybody's family's fucked up.
It's the normal ones you gotta worry about! Every time they catch a serial killer on the news, they're like "He came from such a normal family.
We never saw this coming.
" I don't wanna talk about it, Colt.
I made up my mind.
So that's it? This is wrong.
You can't just take the easy way out.
[sighs.]
Colt.
You should be happy.
[sniffles.]
You're off the hook.
[grunts.]
Hey, Colt.
Not really in the mood to talk right now.
Great.
I'll be in my room if you need me.
Come on, sit down.
We just want you to know that we're here to help.
Yeah, well, it don't matter.
'Cause Heather ain't keeping the baby, so What? Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I need a beer.
- We're out.
- Fuck this day! I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
And for Heather, too.
Did what you said.
Told her she wasn't gonna be alone, we'd do it together, but She won't listen.
She's just upset.
Understandable.
She'll come around, do the right thing.
Maybe she already did.
You want her to do this? No, I'm not saying that.
[scoffs.]
It's it's just that it's Heather's choice.
The last choice you had was whether or not to wear a condom.
By the way, you chose wrong.
Okay, so, when the kid comes, it's my responsibility, but decidin' whether or not it comes, I don't get a say.
Yes, Colt, that's exactly right.
That's not how I see it.
Colt's got just as much right as Heather.
- Thank you, Dad.
- Shut up.
You're the dipshit that got yourself into this.
It's Heather's choice because she has to carry this baby and it's gonna affect her life a lot more than it's gonna affect yours.
[beer can cracks open.]
- Are you kiddin' me? - Found one in the crisper.
You tell Abby yet? No, she's on a skiing trip with her parents.
What am I supposed to do, leave a text? [stutters.]
Or a voicemail? "Hey, babe, hope you're having fun.
You know how before you left, I wasn't a father? Call me back.
" You better hurry up before somebody else does.
Who's gonna tell her? I'm the only one Heather told.
Heather get her pregnancy test at the Walgreens? Yeah, so? Well I imagine Tina Reynolds was working behind the counter.
We all know that Tina can't keep her mouth shut.
I don't even know who Tina is.
Yeah, but Abby and Tina ain't friends.
Yeah, but Tina will tell Bill, the pharmacist, who, by the way, likes to wear women's underwear.
What? Found that out from Tina.
Yeah.
So? Everyone knows that.
I didn't.
He and I went huntin' together.
What's this got to do with Abby? Well, Bill and Abby's dad play poker together, so Bill and I slept in the same tent.
[thud.]
What the hell was that? - Sounded like a twelve gauge.
- [gunshot.]
[stutters.]
Why are we going toward the gunfire? - [Beau.]
Mary? - What are you doin'? What the hell? Oh, you go near my fucking daughter again, you will have bigger problems than a shot-up truck.
Merry Christmas, Maggie.
We got your cookie tray.
It was delicious.
Now her, I can go hunting with.
[theme song playing.]
[air hissing.]
Bye-bye, swamp tush.
- [air hissing.]
- [sighs.]
Oh, yeah.
- Whoa, shit.
- Oh! Hey, dude.
You gotta knock first, man! Always knock first! Well, it happened.
Finally walked in on you blowing yourself.
[laughs.]
What you doing all the way out here? Brought you lunch.
Oh, shit, well already ate.
So how is it being the boss of the Care Bears' Ranch? - [chuckles.]
- It's My Little Pony Ranch, you dick.
It sucks, man.
Umberto's sick.
Half my crew didn't show up.
The other half showed up late and hungover.
You know, I ain't never been the most sober person in the room before.
I don't like it.
Yeah.
[sucks teeth.]
- Think you're having a bad day? - Mmm-hmm.
Your batshit-crazy girlfriend showed up at the house with a shotgun, blew the windows out of our truck.
Why the hell she do that? Also, that's kinda super hot.
What was she wearing? American flag bikini? Yeah.
She found out Heather was pregnant, so in the dead of winter, she put on a bikini to come shoot the windows out the truck.
Oh, shit, dude.
She is gonna be so pissed at me for not telling her about Heather.
Yeah, this whole situation just really sucks for you.
Is there anything I can do to help? I know you're being sarcastic, but pass me a beer.
Gets worse.
Heather's gettin' a bortion.
Wow.
Well, dodged a bullet.
No, I want her to keep it.
I think bortion's wrong.
Yeah, no, I hear ya.
Wait.
Hang on a second.
Are you saying "bortion"? Yeah.
I'm anti-bortion.
[chuckles.]
What are you laughing at, man? There ain't nothing funny about bortions.
[chuckles.]
No, dude, you're right.
Uh, sorry about that.
Um, I mean, did you guys ever maybe talk about putting the kid up for doption? It's "adoption.
" It's "abortion" and you're a dumbass.
Whatever.
[sucks teeth.]
I just gotta figure out how I'm gonna tell Abby.
Tell Abby? What you talking about? You ain't gonna tell Abby shit.
You just got away with it, dude.
You think every time I drive drunk I get home and I call the cops? No.
I pull over, I pick up the mailbox I just knocked over, throw it in my trunk and I keep moving.
Yeah, but if she finds out from someone else, it's gonna be worse.
Who the hell's gonna tell her? It's a small town, man.
People find out shit.
- You know Tina Reynolds? Walgreens? - Yeah.
Yeah.
She knows Heather got a pregnancy test.
Doesn't mean anybody's gonna tell anybody about anything.
Look, dude, I've been buying extra-large condoms at that place for years.
Still can't get that rumor started.
[knocking on door.]
Hey, Beau.
Hey, Joanne.
Good to see you.
What brings you by? Well, I'm going on a two-week cruise with my daughter and my granddaughter and I was wondering if I could borrow your binoculars.
My Bushnells? Gonna need some collateral.
Oh.
Well, okay.
Here are the keys to my house.
You can take in the mail and feed the cat.
- What do you want me to feed it to? - [chuckles.]
Christmas with your daughter must've gone well if you're taking a trip.
Yeah, I'm excited.
I never went on a cruise before.
Have you? Once.
The Mekong Delta.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Hey, if you don't have anything to do, I just made a pot of chili.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
That smells good.
What's your secret ingredient? Paprika? Two cans of Hormel and salt.
[laughs.]
That would go good with a side of cornbread and Prilosec.
So, what's it like being a grandmother? Oh, it is so great.
Grandkids are like snowmobiles.
You you don't really wanna own one, but it's really fun to borrow one for the weekend.
How was your holiday? Well, that's kind of a long story.
Hmm.
Well, just give me the short version.
I had a better Christmas on the Mekong Delta.
Oh, my.
What happened? I don't wanna talk about it.
Okay.
But just tell me this, uh, when I get back from my cruise, am I gonna find you dead in this house, face down in a bowl of chili with Bill O'Reilly on the TV? If I'm lucky.
Let's sit.
You know, Beau, I think you're addicted to being alone and miserable.
Oh, that's not true.
The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm alone.
Do you have any friends? Anybody you don't hate? Well, I'm pretty good friends with Bill down at the pharmacy.
Though I'm not sure I know him as well as I thought.
You know, you you can't live like this.
You gotta go out and meet people.
You need some companionship.
Are you talking about dating? Oh, hell no.
You just got divorced.
You're a mess.
Although, I do like the idea of you filling out a dating profile right now.
Likes? Steak and whiskey.
Dislikes? People who don't like steak and whiskey.
Perfect date? Going out for steak and whiskey.
So you can see how this isn't the perfect date then.
[chuckles.]
I'm just talking about going out and having some fun.
I don't do that.
I know.
You don't like change, but change is coming to you.
So you gotta do something.
Church or bowling or, I don't know, go to the VFW hall, do a little square dancing.
I'll dance when I want in the shape that I want.
Hey, baby.
Look who stopped off at the Colonel.
Did you know that your shithead brother knocked up my dumbass daughter? What? That is news to me.
You want grilled or crispy? Rooster, you have one chance to tell me the truth or you are gonna look like your truck.
You did something to my truck? What? Fine, all right? He told me the other night at midnight Mass.
At church? Jeez! We went home together that night.
You didn't say anything? What are you mad at me for? You just said I had one chance! I lied.
Like you did to me.
Oh.
So call it even? I am your girlfriend! It is your responsibility to tell me if your brother screws up my daughter's life! God! The one daughter I thought would not be a total screw-up! Shit.
Darlene, you home? [sighs.]
Okay, we're good.
[sighs.]
Look, I'm sorry, all right? But I'm in a shitty spot here.
I promised my brother I wouldn't say anything to anybody.
I am not just anybody.
I am the person who does that thing.
That thing you like with the thumb and the cucumber, that's me! I do that.
And I appreciate that.
But this is not my fault, okay? And to be honest, it's not just Colt's fault, either.
Oh, tread real careful here, Rooster.
Look, I'm just saying it takes two people to make a baby.
You know? And not for nothing, but you Roth girls are mighty fertile.
In case you hadn't noticed, it's like a damn Gymboree around here.
You should leave.
You know what? I will.
I don't need this.
I didn't do nothing wrong.
I had a shit day at work and I came over here to do the two things we love.
Eat chicken and have sex.
And it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.
Right? Get out.
- God.
- Fine.
I will.
I'll take my chicken and myself.
Finish them both off in my car! Abby.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Wow.
I got a warmer welcome from the Walmart greeter.
- [chuckles.]
No.
No! Come on.
I was - [laughs.]
I just wasn't expecting to see you till tomorrow.
I know.
Well two nights alone on a mountain with my parents was enough.
I had to sleep on the pull-out in the family room.
Ugh.
Mmm The only thing more annoying than my dad making coffee at 5:30 in the morning is my mom saying: [imitates Janice.]
"Chuck, be quiet.
Abby's still sleeping.
" Did you take your vitamins?" [imitates Chuck.]
"I don't need the damn vitamins!" [imitates Janice.]
"Well, Dr.
Randall says you do.
" [imitates Chuck.]
"Janice, do we have to do this now?" [in normal voice.]
Oh, they fucking did it then.
Anyway, still smoking.
That sounds really tough.
[sighs.]
I'm just happy to be here with you.
- [chuckles.]
- Stress free, no drama.
Yeah.
No drama.
[chuckles.]
What the hell happened to your truck? [both chuckle.]
- Yeah - Yeah.
Uh Rooster, uh, bet me I couldn't shoot a beer bottle blindfolded.
Long story short I kept hearing glass break, so I kept shooting.
[chuckles.]
That's a stupid bet.
[chuckles.]
Yeah, well, we were drinking.
Why didn't you just say that? You got drunk and you shot up your truck.
We've all been there.
I missed you.
I missed you.
[both chuckle.]
You gonna invite me in? - Oh, yeah, come on, of course.
- [laughs.]
- [sighs.]
All right.
- [sighs.]
- Done smoking for the night.
- Hmm.
Mama needs a drink! [laughs.]
So, how was your Christmas? Good.
Hey, is your dad home? 'Cause I got him a gift.
It's a sign that says, "Solicitors welcome.
" But then in tiny letters underneath it says, "To run for their lives.
" [chuckles.]
'Cause I know he likes to shoot things.
- [both chuckle.]
- That's pretty good.
No, he's he's out, actually.
- Mmm! - [sighs.]
[sighs.]
What you wanna do? Just watch TV? Uh, sure, but I was hoping we could do a little something better than watch TV - "Solicitors welcome.
" - [chuckles.]
Oh.
Yeah.
You know, I I gotta [sighs.]
I'm beat.
- Uh-huh.
- I Is it okay if we just hang out? Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
Cool.
[laughs.]
Hey, you know what might make you feel better? - What's that? - A little fuckin'.
[chuckles.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Maggie, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Shirley.
It's nice to meet you, Shirley.
Girlfriend's a little heavy, Hank.
So let's just say second cousins.
How'd you guys meet? Family reunion.
Hey, Beau.
What's going on? I just came to have a drink.
Make some new friends.
[laughing.]
Okay.
Hey, Hank.
Ma'am.
Beau, this is Shirley.
[Shirley.]
Lookie here.
A silver fox.
What do you do, Shirley? I have an Etsy shop.
- What the hell is an Etsy? - [chuckles.]
It's a global online marketplace for amateur craftsmen and artisans.
I take old shit from garage sales, and I jack up the price and then I sell it to rich assholes.
- I like you.
- [laughs.]
Hey.
All right, I'm done here.
Well, it's nice to see you and your dad talking.
Yeah.
Not my first choice, running into him here.
Already having a shit day.
[exhales.]
Any chance you're gonna deal with that by not getting drunk? You know, you got weird moral lines for a woman who owns a bar, Mom.
So what happened? [sighs.]
New job's killing me.
Got into a fight with Mary over my dumbass brother Now I gotta go home to Umberto and five other guys in some shitty apartment.
You know, one of them assholes ate my Cocoa Puffs.
Yeah, I know you've always been very protective about your cereal.
You know, I have an idea.
Yeah, no, I know.
Deer shit looks just like Cocoa Puffs.
But, Mom, I don't have time to go gather it.
- What if you lived in the huntin' cabin? - Dad's huntin' cabin? Yeah, that'd be great, you know? We could be neighbors.
I can swing by his place and borrow some sugar.
He can swing by my place and skin me in my sleep.
That's my huntin' cabin.
I got it in the divorce.
Think about it.
[sighs heavily.]
'Sup? 'Sup? Rooster, meet my girlfriend/cousin.
Been there.
Oh.
Sorry, we're closed.
Sign says you're open till eight o'clock.
It's only 7:55.
Beau Bennett.
Brenda Sanders.
Well, we've got some brown and some blonde on the floor already.
I guess we could add some gray.
Where you been? Well, I've been getting my hair cut at Sport Clips up near Grand Junction.
Oh, so what brought you back? They started putting soccer on the TVs.
[laughs.]
Well, they didn't do you any favors with your hair.
Sit down.
Might not be too late to save you.
Thanks.
Good to see you, Brenda.
Good to see you, too, Beau.
Just the haircut or we gonna shave the 'stache, too? There are some things you don't joke about.
Ah.
Okay.
So, what do you think? [sighs.]
I think if it looked this shitty in eighth grade, never would've gotten to second base with Kathy Bell.
[chuckles.]
Look, does it need a little work? Sure.
But that's why I'm letting you live here.
I figure, by the time you get it in shape, I'll kick your ass out and I'll move in.
[chuckles.]
[grunts.]
There's no water.
Well, you don't wash your hands anyway.
Oh! [sighs.]
There's a rat in the fridge.
That's gotta be about five years old, you know.
Yeah, it's warm, too.
Okay, you got a pet.
You got a beer.
What more do you want? [chuckles.]
Yeah.
Could be pretty cool.
Colt and I did have a ton of fun in here back in high school.
We'd sneak in in the middle of the night and We'd study.
You guys came out here to smoke pot.
You knew that? I'm your mother.
I also know you only got to first base with Kathy Bell.
Hey, over the bra counts, Mom.
So you wanna live here or not? I don't know.
I mean I guess I could fix it up, but I'm 35 years old.
I finally moved out of the ranch house.
Now what? I gotta just, like, rely on my mommy? Well, don't let your pride get in the way.
This is simple.
You need a place to live and I got one.
Feels weird.
Like I'm taking charity.
Oh Well, I could charge you rent.
No, I'm good.
- [Brenda humming.]
- [country music playing.]
I gotta leave it a little long here to cover up some of that red neck.
What do I care what the back looks like? That's everybody else's problem.
You know, it's that attitude that gave us the mullet.
[chuckles.]
I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while.
It's okay.
I kinda figured that you were just keeping your distance 'cause of all those rumors about us.
Yeah.
Tell you the truth, that whole situation was kinda hard on Maggie.
I could hide out at the ranch all day, but she had to listen to it in the bar all the time.
She didn't deserve that.
Yep, believe me, I get it.
A lot of women stopped coming around here when they thought I was sleeping with a married man.
I'm sorry if it cost you some business.
It all worked out.
'Cause their husbands all lined up around the corner.
You always did look on the bright side of things.
Despite that, I still like ya.
[razor whirring.]
I guess I just try real hard not to be bothered about what other people think about me.
And when Jim died, I needed a friend.
I'm not gonna apologize for finding one.
I'm also not gonna apologize for putting ketchup on my mashed potatoes and mustard on my fries.
You should.
Boy we sure did go through some stuff back then.
Hell, I'm still going through shit.
Oh, I heard.
Rooster's working at Neumann's Hill and, uh, Colt knocked up that Roth girl and and you and Maggie finalized that divorce.
My God, are there no secrets in this town? Well, it's just a hazard of the job, you know.
People tell their hairdresser everything.
But that's why I like spending time with you because you are not here to gossip.
That's right.
You heard about Bill down at the pharmacy? Beau Bennett, you are better than that.
So what have you been up to? Uh, let's see.
Um Oh, I got a collie named Dolly.
Silly, I know, but you would really like her.
You should come hiking with us.
Well, I've never been much for hiking.
If I'm going into the woods, I'm gonna come out with a carcass on my shoulder.
Oh, I also got into yoga.
And you should try that.
It would be great for your back.
And if I go into a yoga studio, I'm gonna come out with a carcass on my shoulder.
[chuckles.]
I've missed this, Beau.
I've missed it, too.
So, what are you gonna gouge me for this haircut? I'll tell you what.
You buy me dinner sometime and we'll call it even.
I can do that.
Just tell me how much this haircut would've cost so I'll know where to take you.
Colt? Hey, Ab.
What are you doing up? I just I reached for you and you weren't there.
So [chuckles.]
I went for the light and knocked over one of your trophies and it hit me in the forehead.
Thank God you weren't good enough to win a Heisman, I'd have a fucking concussion.
Sorry, I just couldn't sleep.
All right, what's going on? You don't wanna have sex.
You didn't react to the fact that I said you sucked at football.
Are you dying? [chuckles.]
You've been acting weird since I got back.
Hmm? I don't know what to do.
I don't I don't even know if I should tell you.
[chuckles.]
I mean, how bad could it be? Oh, my God, your truck.
Did you kill someone? [exhales.]
No.
Okay.
[laughs.]
It's just Heather's pregnant.
What? Heather's pregnant.
It's mine.
Jesus, Colt.
No.
Abby, I didn't I didn't cheat on you.
[stammering.]
It was the time that you knew about.
I I would have told you earlier, but Stop.
Stop talking.
[country music playing.]