The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

1 To our first real date.
To my first, first date in 18 years.
Oh! 18 years! Well, the pressure is on.
It's not a great chugging alcohol.
That is tannic.
Yeah.
Well, I just feel like the luckiest man in the world.
I'm on a date with a wonderful woman, and I have a new bestie.
Who is my almost-ex-husband.
Who doesn't know we're dating.
[Laughs.]
You know, eventually, we will tell Pat.
We have a long way to go before we know if this is a real thing.
Yeah.
I mean, I want to make sure he and I are solid before I put that stress on the relationship.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my God! He's here! What?! Don't look behind you.
Pat is here.
What? Why? Why is he here? He doesn't know about this restaurant.
I told him about it.
I can't stop talking about the bruschetta.
Is he looking over here? No.
He's picking up a to-go order.
Oh, God.
I hope he got the bruschetta.
Of course, he did.
He eats anything anybody says is good.
Kenny: Well, here I am again.
Another day of being gay, in theory, and not in practice, unlike my siblings, who are getting more action on their devices than I've gotten all year.
Oh, man! I love dating a college girl! Lacey's at a party, and I think she's getting a little tipsy.
So you two might want to clear the couch, 'cause I sense this texting is about to get steamy.
With or without us on this couch, please never get steamy on it.
Too late by 6 years.
[Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
It's cute how you think the blanket's safe.
That blanket probably has more stories to tell than I do.
Ah, Ethan thinks it's adorable to steal my healing potion.
Well, I'm going to decapitate him.
Oh, look at his cute, little head.
I'm gonna kick it.
All right, you guys get off your screens and talk to me! Is there something wrong with me? I mean, I feel like my bangs are at their best angle ever, I found a deodorant that works with my active lifestyle.
I mean, is it me? Just be honest.
Well, sometimes you do go on without - really hearing - I mean, am I even gay if I'm just sitting on the couch with you two? If a gay falls in the forest, and there's not another gay to say, "Hey, girl, you okay?" did he even fall? The problem is that I'm completely alone in a forest of straight people.
I need one where more gay guys come to gather nuts and berries.
Come on, Kenny.
You know how to find a more crowded forest.
- Dating apps.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I'll set up an account, but it seems like most gays don't use their faces in their profiles, just their best body feature.
What's my best body feature? Both: Your calves.
Really? Not my biceps? Please show me where you think your biceps are located.
Okay.
My calves.
They're the most manly part of your body.
It's like your upper half didn't tell your lower half you're gay.
Mm.
Okay.
Here we go.
I am stepping, calf-first, into a whole new forest.
Kenny, take your foot off the table.
Excuse me.
Where are you coming from in your New Year's cardigan? I was having a drink with friends.
You don't drink.
You don't have friends.
Well, okay, then.
You caught me.
I was measuring the hedges to make sure they're height-appropriate.
That sounds about right.
- Yep.
- There we go.
Hi.
How did the date with VP Murray go? Wait.
I want to sit.
No, I'll stand.
I'll take a knee.
Stop moving.
It went great after we crawled out from under the restaurant table.
[Laughs.]
Oh.
It went that kind of great.
I fooled around under the bleachers with a mascot once, head still on, thank you very much.
No.
We were hiding.
Pat came in.
I still haven't told him I'm seeing Clive yet.
- Why not? - He's so sensitive.
He cried through "The Hangover 3.
" I'm afraid this would crush him.
So, before I tell him, I'm going to soften him up first, with his favorite breakfast.
Morning.
Do I smell sausages from the 99 cent store? Covered in jelly, like you like them.
Come on over here, sleepy head.
Hey, is that a new flannel? Oh, well, yeah, but it's exactly like the one I replaced.
I love how you do that.
Here.
- It's for me? - Mm-hmm.
Wow! Thank you.
[Chuckles.]
Well, the Bears game's about to start, so Oh, don't go down there to watch it.
Watch up here with your family, above ground.
And I'm giving you Pop-Tarts for lunch.
Kenny! I have a problem! Lacey hasn't texted me back since the party last night.
W-W-What do you think happened to her? You think she's dead?! Not that I want that, but that would explain things.
I'm sure it's fine.
[Gasps.]
My app! I swiped right on two cute guys last night.
I wonder which one of them liked me.
What if it's both? I might need to get a burner phone.
Why did we not lose our virginity to each other before she went to college? It seemed like such a good idea, you know, wait till Thanksgiving, because everyone knows that if you make it till Thanksgiving, you make it forever.
That's not a thing.
Wait.
What? Neither guy picked me.
But, no.
I thought I was a reach for them.
Oh, my God.
You know, I've always considered myself a 9, but am I a An 8? Hey! Don't you ever say that! If anybody should be down on themselves, it's me.
Why did I think Lacey would stay with a high school kid when When she's living in a big pile of horny college dudes? They're all just hot and sweaty.
It's like a sausage cauldron.
Mm, no.
That's vivid and effective.
Jimmy, you need to go see Lacey at college.
And I'm going to go with you.
You You would do that for me? I mean, and myself.
I will prove that I'm at least an 8.
5.
I just need a change of venue, you know, an audience that gets me, a different forest.
[Chuckles.]
You need gay dudes.
That's That's what I'm saying.
And you need to go make a big, romantic gesture, sweep her off her feet, make her remember why she loves you.
[Exhales.]
You are so good at being a straight.
It's such a wasted talent.
It's like you turning gay was when Jordan went to play baseball.
Jordin Sparks played baseball? What happened? Ethan, where did you go?! Hey, could you keep it down? You don't live here.
Ooh, somebody's in a mood.
I decapitated Ethan, and he hasn't regenerated and he won't answer any of my messages.
Wait.
Ethan's a kid you like, right? Yeah.
I thought he liked strong women.
But, like all men, he wants a lady in the streets and an orc in the sheets.
Look, call him! Is that what old people do with their phones? Okay, I'm young enough to know that that was a burn, but you're clearly upset, so I'm going to let it slide.
All I'm saying is get off the screens and interact with him.
Oh, yeah, and why don't we hook up the horse and buggy and go to the harvest festival, too? It's over, Aunt Jodi.
I ruined it.
I had a good time, too.
And I was thinking, if it's not too soon, we could take it up a notch for our next date The Cheesecake Factory.
[Laughs.]
But their menu is so big.
Well, not too big for a woman like you.
You just ruined it.
Bye.
[Sighs.]
Who's ready for a cold one? Well, yeah, sure, but I can get it.
You, sit, you.
I like bringing you beers.
Thanks.
Um why are being so nice today? What? A man doesn't deserve to be treated well in his own home? Matter of fact, you're looking a little tense.
Would you like a back rub? Ow.
Hey.
Eileen, you haven't touched me in two years, not even when I passed out and needed mouth-to-mouth.
You just blew on me.
Yeah, well, you're alive, aren't you? Ow.
Ethan.
What are you doing here? Your message said, "Come over, IRL.
" That means "in real life.
" Hi.
Excuse me for a minute.
What did you do? I lured a 15-year-old boy to the house, under false pretenses, on the Internet.
And you're bragging about that? It's a good thing.
Why don't you kids go relax, and I'll make us some snacks.
Pat: Jodi! Jodi! I need to talk to you right now! Come on! [Whispers.]
Go ahead and sit.
I figured out why Eileen's been giving me so much attention.
Yes, finally.
Let's talk about this whole awkward situation.
She wants me back.
What more is there to say? I know it sounds crazy, but I am telling you she has been doing some really weird things lately, like, um, touching me.
Huh? And smiling? What? I mean, Eileen knows that we're wrong for each other.
She She's just lonely.
Right.
She's lonely because she's alone.
[Laughs.]
She's not dating anybody.
She's a miserable, shell of a woman.
She'll probably be alone forever.
[Laughs.]
Unless I find her a man.
She doesn't need a man.
She's fine.
She's out there, enjoying her rich, full life.
No.
Jodi, you were right.
Eileen just needs a man.
And I'm gonna find her one.
Uuuuuuuuuh Okay, what do you think of my bangs? I took a big swing for college.
Wispy.
Yeah, there's no way Lacey gave her virginity to anybody else.
You know, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna sweep her off her feet with my romantic seduction plan, and then she is going to imprint all over me.
I'm sorry? See, you sexually imprint on the person who takes your virginity so that you're attracted to each other forever.
It's like an orphaned, baby duck who thinks a dog is its mother, but with sex.
That's not a thing.
Well [Knock on door.]
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Pat.
Man, I can't believe you're here on a weekend.
Oh, well, you know what they say, "He who burns the midnight oil lives with his mother and needs a frickin' minute!" Ah.
Well, I have something to talk to you about, and I thought I should come and do it in person.
Um, so [Sighs.]
Wow.
Being single's hard, huh? So hard.
It is hard enough to make a man sometimes make complicated choices.
Yes! That's right.
And, so, I had an idea.
There's so many dudes.
I know.
- This is my nightmare.
- College, baby.
Okay, I think I messed up going big, romantic instead of big, sexy.
The flowers, candles and Lacey's favorite fro-yo from Chicago That's baby stuff.
I don't want to have sex like a baby.
Yeah, no, I like that as a goal for you.
Nachos are ready, the universal party-starter from our neighbors to the south.
By the south, I mean Texas.
Mexicans don't really do nachos.
Learned that lesson the hard way.
Okay.
Want some? I would, but they look really gross.
Uh, gum? Sure.
I'm gonna jet.
I've done the math.
I've done the measurements.
There couldn't be a more perfect place filled with guys that are ready to choose me to be with.
Let the swiping begin.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to "Swipe Right," the hot, new game show that's swiping the nation.
Kenny O'Neal, are you ready to play? Born ready.
Literally.
[Laughs.]
Leave the jokes to me, son.
It's all I have.
Now, let's meet our eligible gays.
First is Cory.
Cory enjoys gardening, snow boarding, and living in the moment.
Next, Diego.
Diego is a fan of spy movies, train trips, and winter.
Finally, we have Jack.
Jack has a ferret.
All right, Kenny, as you know, a swipe right is a match, but a swipe left is a big, fat no.
Okay.
You all seem great, but if I had to choose Ooh, I hate being this guy.
Cory, all the way.
I swipe right.
Cory, is it a match? - [Buzzes.]
- Oh! Cory thinks you're gross.
Okay, that's fine.
I wasn't sure about him, either.
The one I wasreally interested in, okay, was Diego.
And, Diego swipes left on you, which leaves us Jack.
I hope you like ferrets, Kenny.
I don't, but I am willing to look past that.
Jack, what do you say? - [Buzzes.]
- Oh! Thanks for playing, Kenny.
Your parting gift is a life alone.
[Applause.]
- Hey, you.
- Hey! I just got done doing your laundry.
You need new undies.
Those elastic waistbands are just a formality at this point.
Not at all necessary.
Um, so, listen.
I need to talk to you.
Oh, thank goodness, because I need to talk to you, too.
Pat, I hope you know that I think you are a wonderful man, really, any woman's dream.
No, Eileen, I'm really not.
Yes, you are.
Eileen, I'm disgusting! Now, the good news is, I know someone who isn't.
And, please, just keep an open mind about this, because I think you're gonna really like this idea if you give it a chance.
What are you talking about? Come on in.
Hello.
Eileen, I think you know VP Murray from the school.
Uh-huh.
I brought him here today because I think the two of you should go on a date.
You want me to date our kids' vice principal? I know.
This is crazy! I said to him, "This is out of left field!" Why am I screaming?! Listen, I know it's a little weird, because we always used to make fun of him for the, you know, spaghetti legs.
His legs aren't actually that skinny anymore.
Thank you.
My goal is to go from "spaghetti legs" to "rigatoni legs" by Christmas.
- Okay.
Pat, I don't think - Listen.
This could work, okay? And, look, I know you've been lonely lately, but, you know, giving me back rubs is not the way to fix that.
What's that, now, about back rubs? Come on.
Just have one drink with the guy.
It's no big deal.
Come on.
What do you say? Okay.
Okay! Great! Eileen, Clive likes backgammon, British dramas, and a hard cheese.
Clive, Eileen likes Ooh.
[Laughs.]
Wow.
I guess it's a good thing we're getting divorced.
[Laughing.]
Have fun.
You're not suicidal, are you? As an R.
A.
, I have a legal obligation to intervene.
I'm not suicidal.
Great.
But I am sad.
Great.
Okay, so, uh, what's your problem? My problem is that I'm so repulsive that not even Johnny98 swiped right for me.
And I only pity-swiped him because I felt that his braided belt was a cry for help.
I thought college would be the place for me to spread my gay wings.
Don't say that.
That means something you're not ready for.
But nobody's interested, you know? I mean, there has to be something wrong with me! Okay, slow down.
Just slow down.
Just show me your profile.
It's okay.
Okay, so, first of all, this is not a picture of you.
This is a picture of a goat leg.
No, it's my leg.
Oh! Well it's more human in person, is the good news.
So you aren't being rejected.
A goat is.
Oh.
And guys who put up random body parts online are either shame queens or they don't have a face like yours.
Really? Well, you're not so bad yourself.
- Don't go there.
- I had to try.
- Doh, Michele! - Aah! Intruder! Intruder! Ooh! Ah! Ah! I'm not an intruder.
I'm a friend.
I know all about you.
Aah! Okay, new profile pic is up.
It's of my face, completely hairless.
Please, please, oh, please, let somebody right-swipe me.
Are you praying? What? No.
Okay.
Kenny, why is this so important to you? [Sighs.]
I just Coming out has been really, really tough.
You know, my first date was just bad.
I had a disappointing first kiss, and the only other gay kid at my school is a lesbian.
I thought coming here would give me some hope, but what if I've gone through all of this and no guy will ever want me? Okay, I think you have to Oh, my gosh! Somebody right-swiped me! Somebody 52 feet away finds me attractive! [Laughs.]
Wait.
What are you doing? Give me my phone back! Oh, I will, but I want to point out one thing to you first, okay? Five seconds ago, you were hopeless, and now you're giddy because, what, CoolGuy62 did this with his finger? Okay, you cannot let your self worth be based on other people's approval.
What do I base it on? Okay, fine.
I get it.
- Kenny, we gotta go! - Michele: Stop! Stop him! [High-pitched.]
We gotta go! [Whistles blow.]
Okay, cool.
So I gotta go.
Coming! Now, you guys have a great time.
I want you to stay out as late as you want, and, hey, dinner's on me, okay? - Okay.
- Oh, thanks, buddy, yeah.
- All right, guys.
- [Laughs.]
Wow.
Can you believe it turned out that way? No.
We totally got away with it.
And Pat likes you, and he's happy we're together.
It really could not have gone better.
This is, literally, the first time in my life that something has worked out.
Oh, this, and the time I found out it wasn't polio.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think so.
Yeah.
We have to tell him the truth.
[Gasps.]
No, woman! No! Clive, this is not me.
I am not a liar.
Pat and I are trying to build a post-marriage friendship.
I don't want to ruin it with a lie.
We need to tell him.
Yep.
This feels more like my life.
So, before you say anything about how much I suck, I want to say I'm sorry.
I gave you real bad advice about Ethan.
When I was your age, the closest we got to flirting on a screen was typing 58008 on a calculator.
It spelled out "boobs" if you turned it upside down.
At the time, it was a revelation.
Well, as much as I didn't like the surprise of him coming over, it did move things forward with us.
I saw the whole thing, sweetie.
You do not have to sugar-coat it for me.
Well, what you didn't see is, when I offered him a piece of gum, he took the pack and then gave me back the piece.
So, he's greedy.
No, he was flustered.
And that means he likes me.
I knew it! Boobs, yes! That never would have happened if we we hadn't been in the same room, so, thank you.
[Computer chimes.]
See, he's back in the game.
He regenerated.
And he killed me.
He's dragging my corpse through the street.
He seems like a keeper.
All summer? In the meat aisle, Eileen? With him? You picked him, too.
Well, yeah, because he's not a threat.
I mean, it's like you're dating a pair of khakis.
That's a durable and versatile pant.
Wait a minute.
So, our picnic was really your picnic? Initially - [Sighs.]
- yes, but it became ours, and ours it shall always be.
Unbelievable.
No wonder you were rubbing my back.
Hey, there's that back rub thing again.
Look, you know what? I'm sorry.
We spent so much of our marriage not talking about things, and I want us to be honest with each other now that we're getting a divorce.
And I should have told you.
Yes, you should have.
But the person I'm really upset with is you, making out with my ex.
I thought we were friends.
We were.
We are.
I have needed us so bad, for so long.
Eileen means nothing to me.
Okay, now.
Don't go.
Please.
Give me another chance.
I don't know.
I need some time.
We could still go to The Cheesecake Factory.
Eileen, The Cheesecake Factory is for celebrations! Well, they never even got my name, so maybe Lacey won't even know it was me, right? [Cellphone vibrates.]
That's my phone.
Would you read it to me? Ooh.
Lacey texted! Sad face, skull and crossbones, and fire.
Okay, so she's either breaking up with you, or you have an STD.
- I would kill for an STD right now.
- Mm.
Who am I kidding? I'm probably not even ready.
I mean, I can't imagine I'm any good at it.
W-What if I'm not fast enough? I'm not sure speed is the goal.
I mean, I've only been with myself, and even I'm disappointed sometimes.
Come on.
What I learned today is that we cannot be so hard on ourselves.
We got to focus on our positive qualities.
Dude, I have yogurt in my peeper.