The Royle Family (1998) s02e02 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found # (Sighs) Hah.
(TV) I wouldn't mention it, if I wasrt strapped for cash, but - you are going to pay my wages today? - Oh, not now, Robbie.
Denise.
There was a woman from Droylsden on Richard & Judy having a makeover.
Oh.
Well, it's only ten minutes from me.
- Barbara.
- Yes.
- Barbara! - Oh.
- What, Mam? - I was just telling Denise, there was a woman on Richard & Judy from Droylsden having a makeover.
Well, what about it? Well, it's only ten minutes from me.
Oh.
Oh, they did her hair lovely.
It was a sort of, erm, a reddish tint.
You know, like one of them red setter dogs.
And they did all her make-up.
It was all free.
And they gave her an outfit to take home.
It was for her wedding anniversary.
They put her in a like a pas-tel blue.
Do you remember that blue scarf I had, Denise? - Oh, yeah.
- Well, it was that sort of blue.
Blue-ish.
She knew nothing about it, Barbara.
(Barbara shouts) What? - Great, I'm starving.
- Set that table for me, will you, love? I've just come in.
Why can't Denise do it? - Because she's pregnant! - Yeah, yeah.
Great excuse.
Hi, Nana.
Hiya, love.
Have you been playing your football, Antony? - Yeah.
We won.
- Oh, lovely.
I was just telling Denise.
There was a woman from Droylsden on Richard & Judy on Friday, - having a makeover.
- Oh, right.
She knew nothing about it.
Her daughter sorted it out for her anniversary.
Where are those two? I told them to be back for two o'clock.
I'll go and get 'em.
Don't let him go, Mam.
He only wants a lager out of 'em.
If you let him go they'll be there all afternoon.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you stay where you are, Antony.
- Antony, did you shower after footy? - I'll get one later.
I'm prone to infections now I'm pregnant.
Bet you're riddled with germs.
- Mam, Antony's full of germs.
- Wash your 'ands, Antony.
(Jim) I don't care if I win 20 bloody Spot The Balls, I'm still not buying.
Ah, hello, love.
How big is it now, eh? Bloody hell, Norma.
Is it nearly a week since we last saw you? Whoo-hoo! Hello, Norma.
Looking gorgeous as ever.
Oh, hello, love.
(Twiggy) Why you don't just move in here, I'll never know.
(Norma) There is Denise's room.
- Hiya, Nana.
- Hello, love.
(Groans) - Dave.
- Oh.
- Oh, you stink of drink, lovely.
- Aye.
Hey, Denise.
Dave's just told me about the baby.
Great news, that.
- Ah, thanks, Twiggy.
- And don't worry about gear for it.
I can get all that sort of stuff.
- I don't want dodgy gear for this baby.
- We do.
I'll tell you what, I'll knock off a cot for the baby.
That'll be my present for it.
- (Norma) Ah, heart of gold, hasn't he? - Barb, will you put another plate out? - Twiggy's here.
- Right.
- Hi, Twiggy.
- Is that all right, Barbara? Oh, yes.
Always plenty of food here, love.
Go and set another place for Twiggy.
'Ey, Twiggy, I believe you've got yourself a nice lady friend.
- Well, I couldn't wait for you forever.
- Ah, go on! 'Ey, I'm going to be a great-grandmother, you know.
If I live long enough.
Antony, tell your Mam I don't want too much meat.
Mam, Nana says she don't want too much meat.
Nobody's having too much meat.
I could swing for your father one of these days.
- Now tell them to sit up, Antony.
- Yeah.
- Dinner's ready.
- I'm sitting sit next to you, Norma.
- Give us a hand, then.
- Come on, love.
- (Groans) - You all right? - Nana, your bag.
- Ah, ta, love.
(Norma) Where do you want me? (Jim) Next door.
(Antony) Here you are, Nana.
I'll go round here.
Don't worry about me, Barb.
I eat any old shite.
You'll have to come to mine and Dave's one time for Sunday dinner.
- Oh, nice one.
- Mam can cook there.
(Denise) It'd be a nice change for her.
(Dave) Oh, yeah.
That's too much for me, Barbara.
(Twiggy) I'll polish off anything you can't eat.
(Norma) This gravy looks watery, Barbara.
I usually put cornflour in mine.
- Never tasted my gravy, have you? - (Twiggy) Havert had that pleasure.
(Dave) Bob was in the pub, Nana.
Said your video will be ready Friday.
- What's to do with it? - He doesn't know.
- He's not had a chance to look at it yet.
- I'm lost without it.
- You never bloody use it.
- Oh.
We always have to record everything for you.
Well, I like watching Dave's and Denise' wedding video on it.
Do you know Elsie who lives next door to me? She's seen it five times.
(Jim) That must be bloody entertaining, watching people you don't know.
She feels she knows you all.
It's company when you live on your own.
- You all right, Barb? - (Softly) Yes.
- You're as red as a bloody beetroot.
- It's nothing.
Just leave it.
'Ey, Twiggy.
Who's this new lady friend what you've got, then? Oh, she's a tasty piece.
I think this could be the one.
Aw.
That's what the three lads said who have kids to her.
- Nothing wrong with that.
- I never said.
'Ey, Twiggy, you'll have to bring her round one night and introduce her to us.
Yeah, I'd love to but she works nights in a petrol station Oh, does she? Oh, that's a dangerous job irt it, for a young girl, - working nights in a petrol station.
- Mm.
You haven't seen her, Barb.
Lennox Lewis wouldn't tangle with her.
- She's well capable of handling herself.
- Aw.
Bloody hell, Barb.
How long have these roasties been in? They were done half an hour ago but you were in the pub.
Well, Dave was getting his annual round in and I didn't want to miss that.
How you getting on, Denise, now you're not drinking? I'm only not drinking at dinner time.
I'm allowed to drink at night.
The baby'll come out with a lager top.
Who wants my beef? This is too much for me.
The last time I had it, it got stuck under me palate.
That's you all over.
Getting a couple of days' work out the bugger.
Jim.
Can we just have one Sunday dinner in peace? - Did you play footie, Antony? - Yeah, we won.
(Barbara) Aw.
Did, er did you take Emma with you? - Yeah.
- (Snort) - Who's Emma? - His girlfriend.
(Guffaws and oohs) - She's not my girlfriend.
She's a mate.
- Come on! - Have you met her, Barbara? - No.
We probably won't meet her till he puts her up the shoot.
Then he'll come round, looking for a few bob.
- Who's this Emma? - I'm sure you know her, Norma.
- Emma-rhoid.
- (Laughter) But who is Emma Rhoid? She lives up your back passage.
(Barbara) Jim, we're trying to eat our dinners, here.
- Wh-Whose back passage? - (Barbara) Mam, take no notice.
They're being rude.
Antony, have a bit of respect for your nana.
(Norma) Oh, Twiggy, did you see This Morning the other day? There was a woman on it from Droylsden.
She was having a makeover.
Droylsders only ten minutes from me, you know.
- Oh, I'd love a makeover.
- I'd love a makeover.
Bloody hell, Barb.
Programme's only two and a half hours long.
Makeover, my arse.
You're my beautiful rose.
That's why I married you.
- Oh.
- Certainly wasrt for your cooking.
- Dave - Mm.
- How's that baby's room coming on? - Oh, smashing, thanks, yeah.
- That moped's still in there.
- Yeah.
You better get that shifted soon, Dave.
Well, I've got six months to shift that.
- Five months, 17 days.
- (Barbara) Aw.
- I hope I'll live to see it.
- You bloody will, don't worry.
You will.
Betty buried her husband on Wednesday.
When I go, I don't want to be buried, I want to be cremated.
- Oh, Mam.
- Oh, just like these roasties.
- I don't know.
- Oh, I was upset him going like that.
- Did you go to the funeral, Mam? - No, I werert invited.
They wanted to keep it to those who knew him.
That's what upset me.
I mean, you don't have to have met someone to celebrate their death.
Well, you only go to them bloody funerals so you can go to the buffet.
I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but he were a tight bugger, that Kenneth, by all accounts.
Do you know, he used to follow her round Kwik Save, taking everything out of her basket as quick as she put it in.
He'd never let her have Jaffa Cakes, only Rich Tea.
I bet she'll have Jaffa Cakes now.
Do you know Theresa in the post office, - whose husband went grey overnight? - (Barbara) Oh, yeah.
Oh, did you know her daughter had applied to be an air hostess? - Yeah.
- Mm.
She got in.
They got the letter back this week.
- Oh, which airline? - Er, Heathrow, I think.
Ooh, how lovely.
You know, I would've loved our Denise to be an air hostess.
No way! They're only skivvies making tea but in the sky.
It's not, you know.
Much more to it than that.
You need languages and what to do in a crash and all that.
I know exactly what she'd do in a bloody crash.
- She'd shit herself the same as all of us.
- Jim, no shit, please, while we're eating.
(Norma) I've never been on a plane, me, Twiggy.
I'm 84 years old and I never even sat on one when it was on the ground.
Bloody hell, what would you want to do that for? I'm just saying.
Or a helicopter.
I've been to Ringway a couple of times and watched 'em landing and taking off.
Me and Elsie had a picnic there before she was housebound.
She was fascinated by that airport, was Elsie, next door.
(Denise) 'Ey, when me and Dave went on our honeymoon to Tenerife, right, we thought it was just gonna be the first drink what was free but it was all free.
- Mm.
- Yeah, we was bladdered, werert we? - Absolutely hammered.
- (Jim) Nice one.
- It was brilliant.
- Oh.
Hey, Nana, you wouldn't like the toilets on them planes - they're tiny.
- Do they have toilets on the planes? - Yeah.
- Of course they have bloody toilets.
- How do you know? - You've never been on a plane.
- And you wouldn't get me on one either.
Safest form of transport, that, Jim.
I know you don't read about any crashes - they keep it all covered up.
You can't tell me that Branson with his own bloody airline, goes everywhere by balloon.
He's not bloody soft, is he? 'Ey, he's loaded, he is.
He's won'th over a billion.
Bloody hell, that's only about ten quid less than you, innit, Nana? Do you know how he started off his business, that Branson? - From a little record shop.
- Oh.
Can't imagine him behind a record shop, can you? With his beard.
What his beard got to do with it? 'Ey, imagine what it must be like to be him.
All that money.
Can't get that rich without being tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm.
He wouldn't give you the steam off his piss, that fella.
Jim, "shit" and "piss".
It's Sunday dinner.
I like Richard Branston, me.
I've always liked him.
- (Jim) You don't even know who he is! - I do.
I saw that programme about him and his balloons.
He's not a bloody childrers entertainer.
- He's got his own island.
- (Jim) I know, the tight get.
Well, I like him.
Right, pass us your plates.
Antony, help with these plates, will you, love? - Who wants pudding? - (Twiggy) What is it? - It's tinned fruit, love.
- Oh, great.
(Jim) You're pushing the boat out, Barb.
(Norma) What sort of tinned fruit is it, Barbara? - Fruit cocktail, Mam.
- Take the grapefruit out of mine.
I can't eat it.
I like it but it doesn't like me.
- Is that right, Norma? - Puts a road right through me.
(Jim) Oh, what a lovely thought that is.
Antony, when you come out, bring the squirty cream, will you, lad? Eh, I'll tell you what, my new lady, Debbie, she's a great cook.
- Is she? - Oh, yeah.
Does a lovely ruby.
What does she do, Twiggy? Ruby Murray.
Curry.
(Norma) Oh, you daft thing.
- (Denise) Ma-am.
- Ye-es? - Don't forget, no juice on mine.
- Right.
Little Keanu might like the juice.
Eh, how are your cravings these days, Denise? Is it still Toffee Crisp? - Yeah, and sometimes an Aero.
- But you liked them before, didn't you? (Denise) Yeah, yeah.
It's funny, irt it? Cravings, my arse.
Oh, how's Mary? Is she still having her dizzy spells? (Barbara) She hasn't had one since Wednesday, so she's keeping her fingers crossed.
- Do you remember my dizzy spells? - Yes, Mam, I do.
I had a whole spate of dizzy spells when I lost Barbara's dad.
I had a fall in the Stretford Precinct.
It was outside Timpsors.
- It's still talked of to this day.
- Who talks about it? Me and Elsie.
Timpsors.
Do you know where that is, Twiggy? It's opposite the Hallmark card shop.
There.
Oh, you do feel awful.
Yeah, well you're all right now, girl.
That's all that matters.
'Ey, 'ey! That'll do! Bloody hell.
You wanna think of other people instead of yourself.
Self, self, all the bloody time.
That'll take the taste of the bloody fruit away.
(Norma) Got any Carnation, Barbara? That squirty stuff lies heavy on my stomach.
Antony, go and see if there's any Carnation in the cupboard.
If it's too much trouble, don't bother, I'll go.
Antony, will you go and look? Are you all right, Barb? Face is red.
You're like a bloody Belisha beacon.
Will you leave it, Jim? I'm just hot, that's all.
'Ey, Mam, do you know what it might be? Might be the menopause.
Will you drop it, Denise? I've told you, I'm just hot.
We used to call it "the change" in my time.
- Sorry, Nana.
There irt any.
- Don't worry, I'll have some of this.
Eh, did you see Dale Wintors home in OK! Magazine? Oh, it was tidy.
It was just like a show home.
- Dale Winton, my arse.
- He wouldn't say no, Jim.
Given up trying to keep a show home with this lot.
That's not his real home.
He's had all sorts of people in to do that.
- I like Dale Winton, me.
- (AIl) Ooh! (Denise) You know who's got a nursery in Hello! Magazine exactly like I'd love? You know Jane Seymour when she had them twins.
Do you know what she's done, right? She's painted all these animals on it, like a zoo.
Then she's stuck real toy monkeys on top of it.
- It looks absolutely gorgeous.
- Mm.
We just stuck a mirror in our Antony's room, then he could see his own monkey's arse any time he wanted to.
(Sighs) Well, I think it sounds lovely what she's done, Denise.
- Are you going to do the same? - I don't know yet.
I can't have any ideas for our nursery cos he won't move that moped out of there.
Bloody hell.
Here we go again.
I hope Hello! Magazine don't come round unexpected.
They'll think they've gone to Barry Sheers.
Oh, Dale Wintors wardrobes were lovely.
Do you know they were specially made to fit in with his busy lifestyle.
He worked very closely with the designer on them.
I bet he bloody did.
That's why he got all them wardrobes for free.
I could get free wardrobes if I got up to all that malarkey.
Oh, Jim.
Why can't you just feel happy for somebody's fitted wardrobes? He's a cracking show host, Winton.
Away.
- Any more tinned fruit, Mam? - I'm not opening a tin just for you.
- If you are opening one.
- Havert got another tin, Twiggy.
I only said it for Antony.
- Right, then.
Who wants a cup of tea? - (AIl) Yeah.
- Put the kettle on, Antony.
- Here y'are, Barb.
Have a ciggie.
- Oh, thanks, Twiggy.
- Here you are, love.
- Don't forget, Nana likes a china cup.
- I know.
- (Twiggy) That was gorgeous, Barbara.
- Aw.
I'll be round next week.
Mam, can I have a little drag of that ciggie? - (Dave) No.
- I'm only asking for a little drag.
- No.
- Ooh! One little drag on a Sunday dinner's not going to harm it.
Course, it is.
Any smoking's bound to harm it.
I tell you what, Dave.
I'll do everything for this baby.
I'll carry it on my own for nine months, no smoking, no drinking No drinking? - Well, hardly any.
- Huh! Yeah, well, what about you? You can't even get that moped out of the boxroom to make it into a nursery.
You tell him, Mam.
Don't bring me into it.
I'm not getting involved.
It's all right for you.
Your life hasn't changed since I've been having this baby.
You do everything what you've always done, a load of boozing and down the pub.
Ah, bloody hell, love.
What's wrong with you? Dave works bloody hard all week.
He's entitled to a little drink on a Sunday.
- I don't think so.
- (Jim) Bloody hell, listen who's talking.
- You love a bloody drink.
- No, I don't! - I just have a sherry at Christmas.
- I know, and champagne at weddings.
- Bloody hell, Norma.
- Tell him, Barbara.
- Jim.
- I knew a couple who split up last week, just because he spent too much time in the pub.
See.
- Well, which couple's this? - On Kilroy.
Bloody hell, you see what I'm up against, Twiggy? Bloody Kilroy-Silk, eh? Bloody orange gob.
- How's that tea going, Antony? - It's coming.
(Jim sighs) (Denise) I'm not dropping it, Dave.
We're getting rid of that bike.
What kind of bike is it, Dave? I'll shift it for you.
I can't part with it, Twiggy, you know.
It's not the money.
- What is it? - Well I've had it since I was 16 - No, the bike, you clown.
- Oh, it's a Yamaha FS1 E.
- What, an old Fizzy? - Yeah.
- I can shift that for you, no danger.
- (Denise) Oh, can you, Twiggy? - That'd be brilliant.
- 'Ey, it's my bike.
Bloody hell.
What if you go into labour and want rushing to the hospital? (Jim laughs) Bloody baby will be reading before you put that bike together again.
Ever since I met him, that bike's been in bits.
Used to be in bits at his mam's in the dining room, now it's in bits in our boxroom.
Do you know, Twiggy, I have never been on a motorbike in my life.
Bloody hell, Norma, is there any form of transport you have been on? I've been on a boat on a lake in Pickmere.
We were only supposed to have it for half an hour, but we had it for a good 40 minutes.
Oh, he was frosty when we took it back.
- (Barbara) Who was frosty? - Well, the bloke in charge of the boats.
Apparently, he'd called our number and we'd forgotten what our number was.
I can't remember what number it was now.
(Jim) Try and bloody think, Norma, cos I won't be able to sleep unless I know.
(Norma) I'll say it was forty-something but I can't quite remember.
(Jim) What's a bloody boat in Pickmere got to do with Dave's bike? You see what I mean, Twiggy? Come again next week for your dinner.
Conversatiors always riveting.
Bloody hell.
(Twiggy) I'll pop round tomorrow, Dave, and give you a price.
- I don't know about that, Twig.
- I do.
We're getting rid of that bike.
I'm putting my foot down.
It's bad feng shui - a bike in bits in your boxroom.
Feng shui, my arse.
(Barbara) Good for you, Denise (Antony) l-I reckon you should keep that bike, Dave.
I do, yeah.
It's nothing to do with you, Antony.
Shut your big, fat gob.
- You big, fat pig.
- (Farts) Mam, will you tell him? Havert we heard enough about this stupid bike? I have been on a train once or twice.
Do you know, Twiggy, my favourite mode of transportation Is a bloody broomstick.
- Jim.
- Ignore him, Barbara.
A coach.
L-I like it all, me - the camaraderie, the singing, the whip-round for the driver, the toilet stops.
People don't get coaches nowadays.
(Jim) No, they're frightened in case you get on the bloody thing.
Shut up.
- Here you are, Nana.
- Oh, ta, love.
- There you go.
- (Twiggy) Oh, ta, lad.
Barbara, I'll be going home straight after this meal.
You not staying for the afternoon, Mam? Well, I'm hoping I'll need a toilet in about half an hour, and I'd rather go home to my own toilet.
Nowhere like your own toilet, is there, Twiggy? (Barbara) That's all we've had this meal time, toilet talk.
(Jim) Yeah, but we're only going through the motions.
David, I need you to take me home.
Got a couple of little jobs I'd like you to look at.
I don't mean that.
I wouldn't show it to David.
- It's bad enough showing Elsie.
- What, Elsie next door? Well, her sister's a nurse.
- So what is it you want me to do, Nana? - I'd like you to look at me iron, David.
And I've got a tap dripping in the bathroom.
Oh, sound, I'll sort that out.
Cheers, Dave, yeah, sort everyone else's houses out.
(Norma) Oh, er, Barbara, did I tell you? Elsie's having a shower fitted.
She can't get out of the bath now for love nor money.
Her son-in-law is paying for it.
They paid for all that tiling she had done as well.
- Soft bugger.
- He's very good to her, is her son-in-law.
Treats her with a lot of respect.
Right.
I'll be getting off.
Crackir dinner, that, Barbara.
- Very welcome, Twiggy.
Any time.
- Pleasure to see you, Norma, as ever.
(Norma laughs) I'll pop round tomorrow, Dave, and have a look at your Fizzy.
Aye, all right, pal.
Ah, I'll sort out the baby's room.
Oh, Dave.
- See ya, Twiggy.
- 'Ey Don't you go overdoing it, girl.
- There's no danger of that, is there? - See ya, Twiggy.
- See ya, Twiggy.
- See ya, Twig.
Ta-ra, pal.
(Door slams) Well, greedy, scrounging get, that fella, irt he? What a bloody brass neck.
Fancy coming back here for his Sunday dinner.
- You asked him.
- I know but I didn't think he'd say yes.
Do you know, Jim, you've got more faces than the town-hall clock.
- And every one of them's miserable.
- (Cheering) I'll tell you what, I'll give you that one, Norma.
Every one of them's miserable! Don't bloody milk it.
Ooh, you know what.
I reckon that hot tea's beginning to work me.
I won't want you to take me home, David.
I'll go and have a try now.
Oh, and, if it's all right, I'll be able to stay this afternoon, Barbara.
Oh, fantastic news.
- Shall I get you a paper, Mam? - Oh, yes, please, love.
Erm I'd like to take, er, the People, and the News Of The World, and er Oh, have you got that free newspaper? I like looking at that.
Ta.
(Jim) Bloody hell, Norma.
How constipated are you, girl? You've got half of bloody Fleet Street under your arm, haven't you? If the world's press could see you now.
Anyway, give us a shout when you're finished.
Why, do you want it after me, Jim? No, I wanna phone Dyno-Rod.
# So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #