The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

This place
looks so fucking good!
Yeah, who cares if the frats
won't let us in?
- We'll just throw our own party!
- Yeah!
And now we don't have to wait in
some long lines, freezing our asses off,
hoping some power-hungry douchebags
let us in!
Yes, Bela, go off!
Now we get to be
the power-hungry douchebags!
I can't wait to reject people.
Oh, my God, this looks amazing!
Yeah, you guys killed this!
And we brought more booze.
- I got high end for the VIPs.
- Seniors, populars, and attractives.
And bargain bin for the Gen Pop.
Ugs, randos, people less cool than us.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be amazing.
Okay. So, now all we have to do
is just sit back and let the people come.
Yeah.
I can't believe no one came.
Honestly, I'm having fun.
Should I put a podcast on?
I just heard a great one
about the etymology of the word etymology.
- Someone's here!
- Quick! Someone start the music!
Dance. Dance.
Okay.
Come in!
Oh, it's Frude.
- Are you here for the party?
- Sadly, no.
Girls, I know you attempted
to throw a social event this evening,
and it is clear no one came.
There's still time.
Mmm, it's 1:30 in the morning.
And a good party
would be peaking right now.
Damn, Frude.
But, just because you don't have friends,
doesn't mean your life doesn't have value.
Thanks?
I would normally confiscate your alcohol,
but this situation is so sad,
you can keep it.
And, hey, make as much noise as you like.
No one else is home.
Bye, Frude.
Guys, Frude just pitied us.
Oh, my God, we need to fix things
with the frats.
Good luck asking your mom
about the loan.
Okay.
- Hi, honey!
- Hi, Mom.
I love your new earrings.
Thank you. Someone left them
in the Walgreens bathroom.
Finders, keepers, right?
So, look, there's something
I need to talk to you about.
Oh, my gosh. I have something
I need to talk to you about.
Like, I just can't keep it from you
any longer.
- What's going on?
- Well, Biscuit almost died.
What? What happened?
Well, he needed a new colon. Didn't you?
Oh, my God, Biscuit! Is he okay?
Yeah. He's fine.
He got into your dad's Metamucil,
and it just blew him right out.
Aren't surgeries like that expensive?
Your dad and I are gonna be paying it off
until we're dead,
but we know how much Biscuit means to you,
so, totally worth it.
Yeah, he's a great dog.
It's fine. No. Dad took some extra shifts
on the weekend,
and I've decided to sell leggings on Etsy.
But, sweetie,
what did you want to tell me?
It's nothing. Don't worry about it.
You sure?
Okay. Well, I want to send leggings
to all of you,
but which one
do you think Bela would like?
The surfing turtles or the cupcakes?
I think both are so fun.
Damn! That was, like, great.
How'd you get so good at sex?
One summer in high school,
showed me the ways of love.
Shut up. Really?
No, I just watch a lot of porn.
Cool.
Wait, seriously?
- You're on a dating app already?
- What do you mean?
I mean I was inside you 30 seconds ago.
I thought we talked about this already?
Aren't we both allowed to hook up
with other people?
Yeah, I just assumed we'd kind of
tactfully look for those hook-ups,
like, not when we're lying naked together.
Hey, what are you up to?
You wanna hang out tonight?
You've come over, like,
three nights in a row.
I just love spending time with you.
This is 'cause you and your roommates
are banned from parties.
Yes. It's horrible.
I had to do homework last night.
I don't know what to do with myself.
Look, guys love flattery.
And, I hesitate to tell you this
because you are pathologically
over-confident, but you're cute.
Thank you. I know.
So just beg them to let you back in.
Smart. Like how I begged you
to keep your glasses on during sex.
I need to take them off
when I go down on you.
They get foggy.
I can't see what I'm doing.
I've got to get at least a B
on this Spanish final
or my mom's gonna go no bueno on my ass.
See? This is why I take easy classes.
Next trimester, I'm taking the class
that just called Textures.
Sweet mother of Kristen Stewart,
that is a smoking hot woman.
Do you know who that girl is?
I know exactly who she is.
She's hot, she works at Sips,
and she just touched your man's arm.
I will be right back.
- It's crazy. I didn't make that happen.
- You're catching on fast.
Maybe you should be training me.
Oh, Whit! This is our new coworker, Zoe.
- Hi.
- Hey. I'm Whitney.
I live with Kimberly.
Kimberly, yes. Oh, my God, I love her.
She reminds me of my grandmother.
Zoe just fixed our register system
so that it's all automated to the iPad.
Oh.
Mostly, so I could make
the minimum tip option 30%.
She's like some mad coder genius.
How cool is that?
That's cool.
Oh, she also jailbroke my iPhone.
It's like, damn, Zoe, leave something
for the rest of us to be good at. Right?
But you never seemed to mind
Shine like a diamond always
I'm so glad you DM'ed me.
By the time I leave here,
you'll be glad I did a lot of things.
I guess I should walk away
Baby, girl, you trippin'
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Leighton? Why are you all messy
and happy-looking?
I did.
I'm Leighton's roommate.
I've seen her change,
and you are one lucky lady.
- Okay. All right. I'll hit you up later.
- Okay.
- Later. Bye.
- Bye.
Okay, that was a lot. Even for me.
Right?
Oh, actually, I'm so glad I ran into you.
I'm on my way to talk
to the Theta guys at the gym.
I have a plan to get us back
on their good side.
It's genius and it cannot fail.
Did you come up with it?
- I did.
- Yeah. I'm gonna go with you.
Okay.
So, did you tell your mom
about your scholarship?
It's not gonna happen.
But I'll figure it out.
I just signed up for 23 and Me
to see if I have any rich relatives
I don't know about yet.
Oh, I love that site.
It told me J.Lo was a distant great-aunt.
Can you see it?
Me too.
Kimberly.
Professor Hennessey!
It's so good to see you!
What can I get you?
I came to see you, actually.
- Oh.
- I wanted to ask
if you could come to a small dinner party
at my home tomorrow.
Like, to cater it?
No, as a guest!
I'm inviting a group of students
who I think would enjoy
a spirited exchange of ideas.
I love spirited exchanges.
What can I bring?
Like, dessert,
or a clipping from a feminist magazine?
No, just you. Arif will be there as well.
- Hi.
- Hi.
He's a student from Syria,
staying in our guest room
until he finishes his studies.
- So, you like helping students in need?
- Of course.
- Even the white ones?
- I would love to come!
- Great! It'll be fun.
- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
- Bye.
And bring a friend.
Okay. We're going to that dinner.
You're gonna get that lady
to co-sign your loan for you.
What? No. She's my professor.
Okay. Yeah. But if she can financially aid
that Syrian snack,
maybe she can help you, too.
She does love me.
Absolutely. This will work.
Now, let me see if hot Arif and I
have any mutuals in common.
And, oh, my God, we both follow Malala?
I can work with that.
Nice. Nice.
What are you two doing here?
Yeah, what part of us actively hating you
did you not understand?
Look, I hear you.
On behalf of all of our roommates,
we are here to apologize.
What we did was wrong,
and we are stupid fucking bitches.
You and your brothers should have been
allowed to cheat as much as you want,
and use those grades
to get into grad schools
you could have never gotten
into otherwise.
- Okay. What the hell!
- You're making us sound even worse.
Yeah, you kind of are.
That apology sucked,
and your hand was clammy.
Well, you gotta forgive us!
This is killing me.
Without an active social life,
I'm having regular, monogamous sex
with someone I only intended
to be a casual hook-up. It's hell!
Yeah, this isn't compelling.
And we've got bigger things
to worry about.
Theta might lose their charter
because of that stunt you pulled.
Look, if you want to get Theta
out of trouble,
prove to the administration
that you're good guys. You know?
Throw a fundraiser for something
Essex cares about, like,
like, climate change or something.
How? We can't throw parties
in the house anymore.
They won't even let my book club meet!
I guess I'll just read The Secret History
and talk about it with no one.
Well, why don't you let us figure out
where to throw it?
Yeah. And if this works,
and I'm not sure it will
because I have no experience doing this,
you let us back into parties.
Okay. But I don't get why anyone
would go to a Theta fundraiser.
It's a good point.
Damn. I am so money.
Do you know what Magic Mike Live is?
- A strip show?
- It's not a strip show.
It's a sex-positive, female-forward,
entertainment strip-tacular.
It's also a fundraiser for climate change.
Yeah, those two things don't mix.
People are gonna pay to watch these
Theta guys take their shirts off?
They're already never wearing shirts.
This is different. This is spectacle.
I'm talking tearaway pants, body oil,
happy trails, both front and back.
There won't be a dry, pardon my French,
panty in the house.
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I think Bela might be right.
I agree.
I do think people will pay for this.
I know they will. And when this works,
you'll all be thanking me.
Hopefully while holding my hair
while I puke into a frat's urinal.
Why are you fantasizing about that?
Who knows where fantasies come from?
I'm gonna go work on a playlist of songs
that's good to hump a floor to.
Text me if you have any ideas.
I'll be trying some out in my room.
- Hey, so, I met your new coworker.
- Yeah.
Zoe? She is so smart and so funny.
She saw how much apple juice I drink,
and she started calling it "my usual."
- Like, "That's your usual."
- That's good.
So, everyone likes her?
Like, Lila? Your boss?
- Canaan?
- Yeah! I mean, she's amazing.
AOC even follows her on Twitter!
I mean, is that special?
AOC follows my mom, too.
Yeah,
but your mom is a senator.
Zoe is just a student and a former model.
It's different.
Are you, like, jealous of this girl?
- No. No, I'm not jealous.
- Oh!
She should be jealous
of how not jealous I am.
You guys should join
Bela's comedy magazine thing
'cause that is hilarious.
Bela, why are there a bunch
of male thongs on your bed?
Because I am jazzing up some booty shorts
for the Theta boys to dance in.
- They are sexy and biodegradable.
- Oh!
Only if someone asks.
They're not actually biodegradable.
Oh.
Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
- What happened?
- Oh, God, did your mom get assassinated?
- What? No!
- Oh.
No. I was on that girl Zoe's Insta
and I accidentally liked a pic.
Like, a super deep one.
- How deep?
- June?
That's not bad.
- Of 2014.
- Okay.
- Whitney!
- That's bad.
This doesn't have to be weird.
What is the post?
It says, "Miss you, Gam Gam.
Today and every day."
Oh, fuck me!
I liked a picture of her dead grandmother?
What am I supposed to do?
Just start liking all her pics.
It'll confuse her.
No. No. That will make it so much worse.
Can one of you help me, please?
Okay. Report her account for terrorism,
and then maybe they'll take it down.
She's like a hot Black Mark Zuckerberg.
She's gonna figure that out.
Okay, everybody calm down.
I know what to do.
Zoe will see that notification.
And she will know it's from you
because your face is in your profile pic
and Whitney is in your Insta-name.
But she won't know it's you
if you change those things.
So make your account private,
change your profile picture
to a stock image of a burrito,
and make your account name
@ChipotleAlbuquerque.
She'll think you're a random like
from Chipotle promo account in New Mexico.
Holy shit. That is wildly brilliant.
It really is.
That's, like, Zoe-level smart!
Could you not?
Professor Hennessey,
this dinner has been so fun.
Can I help you with those dishes?
Don't worry about it. I have a dishwasher.
His name is Craig.
So, I probably shouldn't say this,
as I haven't posted the final
trimester grades yet, but you got an A.
- I did?
- Yes.
One of two in the class.
Professor Hennessey,
can I ask you something?
Yes, of course, anything.
I lost my scholarship
and I need someone to co-sign a loan
for me so I can stay here.
I hate to ask you,
but my parents can't know about this,
and I don't know what else to do.
- Let me stop you. For a second.
- Okay. Yeah.
I see a lot of myself in you, Kimberly.
And I would never wanna lose
a student like you.
Just give me a minute
to think on it, okay?
Yes. This dining hall was born
to be a strip club!
Looking good, guys.
Time to get fluffed and stuffed.
Let's make our climate daddy proud.
Okay, DJ, keep it peppy.
I want 80 humps per minute.
Okay, Cody, work it.
Get that chair pregnant!
Bela! We've sold so many tickets
that my Venmo just froze.
God, this is incredible.
I know. I think this might be my calling.
It combines my two loves, sexy, greasy men
and bossing people around.
Okay, I gotta give you credit.
I think this fundraiser
could really get our frat reinstated.
It's my pleasure.
And if you take any pictures
in the dressing room,
my AirDrop is always on.
Excuse me, what on earth is going on?
Dean Miller! Are you here to buy a ticket?
To a strip show?
Essex is a respected feminist institution,
a cornerstone of Vermont herstory.
Whatever this is, it's over.
Dean Miller, if you let me explain,
this is a legitimate and tasteful event.
Okay. I didn't spend three decades
marching in support of women's rights
to support that.
Yo, he is making his dick bounce.
Okay, ma'am, we at Theta,
we're trying to prove that our bodies
aren't just for pleasure.
They are also for service.
I promise, if you could just stay
and watch my performance
of "Thot Shit" by Megan Thee Stallion,
you'll agree.
Yeah. That's not happening.
The Vermont Constitution
was ratified in this room.
It's not where we gyrate to "Thot Shit."
Keep her here till I get back.
Dean Miller, can I tell you a long story
about why the environment
is so important to me?
Hi, I'm Bela. I live next door to you
and I really need your help.
Okay.
Also, can I have some water?
I ran all the way here.
How are you liking Essex, Arif?
It's really nice.
The professor and her husband
have been very generous.
Arif, forget about college.
You could make a killing in modeling.
Your bone structure is sick.
Thanks, Lila. You are very sick, too.
- Kimberly.
- Yeah.
I thought about what you asked me.
And if it means keeping
a student like you at Essex,
I would be happy to co-sign for you.
Seriously? Thank you! Thank you so much!
My pleasure.
All right, gang, I'm gonna call it a night
for myself, but please stay and enjoy.
Okay. Thank you.
Are you having a good time?
Yeah. Great.
Dinner was awesome,
and your wife is the best.
She's so smart and impressive.
Yeah, she really is.
Although she would kill me if I told you
stories about her from college.
Maybe after one more drink.
I love the life you two have.
Two smart, cool academics,
in this cute house,
with all your books
and worldly knickknacks.
It's like a dream.
I can see why Elizabeth likes you so much.
We should fuck sometime.
As a climate refugee,
the fact that these students
have worked so hard to raise money
for the environment,
it almost makes me forget the day
that I lost two close friends
in a Wizard of Oz-style tornado.
You should be proud of the campus
community that you've created here.
Also, Theta raised $11,000 tonight.
- $11,000?
- Yep.
Okay, you can do your show,
but lights out by midnight,
and no full nudity!
Don't worry, Dean.
All penises will remain safely stowed.
Okay.
- Holy shit. That actually worked.
- Thanks, new hot friend!
Yeah, I got you.
Hey, I'm gonna go back in my room,
because I'm expecting this girl
in, like, five minutes,
but have fun with this.
All right, everyone, it's go time!
Line up for your good-luck butt slap.
Hello, Essex!
How's everyone doing tonight?
It's about to get real heated
up in this room,
and it's not because of carbon emissions.
Give it up for the boys of Theta!
- Come here.
- You got it?
Damn. You blinked in this one
and somehow you still look fine.
- Thank you.
- It's going on the main.
Okay.
Wait, what's up?
I can't find your profile.
Oh, yeah, something weird
must have happened.
Here, let me see. I can fix it.
Whit, did you rename your account
to @ChipotleAlbuquerque?
There's wraps and burritos and shit?
Why would you do that?
Okay, listen, it's so stupid.
So, I was, you know, lightly perusing
your co-worker Zoe's profile,
and I accidentally liked a picture
of her dead grandma,
so Bela changed my profile to a Chipotle.
I understood, like, half of that sentence.
I guess I was jealous
of how impressed you are with Zoe,
and how smart she is.
I don't know, unimpressive.
You have nothing to be jealous about.
You're a dream girl.
And I am not even into Zoe like that,
like, at all.
I was right behind you at Omega Pi
when you told your friend I'm a loser
who doesn't have a thing.
Well, I definitely didn't say
you were a loser.
But I'm sorry for saying anything
behind your back. That was wrong.
Thanks.
But, do I think you have too much time
on your hands?
- I mean, it seems like it, right?
- Okay, okay, sure.
Maybe I could find more constructive ways
to use my time.
- Maybe. Maybe.
- Yes.
But for now, I'm just gonna focus
on the "dream girl" part of all this.
- Yeah, as you should.
- That was cute. That was good.
Was I nuts to dump her?
She's like one of the hottest girls
on campus.
Sure. But, given all the texts
I've gotten about you this week,
I'm pretty sure you're one of the hottest
queer girls on campus now, too.
What? Really?
To be clear, you're not my type.
I'm into gingers. I'd die for Shiv Roy.
But you don't notice the way
they all look at you?
Shit, they used to do that for me.
Look, sis is practically drooling.
This is amazing.
It somehow manages to be both erotic
and thought-provoking.
Yeah. Who said you can't save polar bears
and admire a dude's V-muscles
at the same time?
Hey, how was the dinner party?
Good, I guess.
My professor said she'd co-sign my loan.
- That's amazing!
- Yes!
Yeah. But then I was talking
to her husband and he said,
"We should fuck sometime."
- What?
- What?
That's so gross.
- What did you tell him?
- Don't worry, I shut it down.
Okay, but what did you say exactly?
I think I said, "Cool."
But in a way that clearly communicated
I meant, "Not cool."
Like, "Not cool, man. Not cool."
But did you say the "not" part,
or just the "cool" part?
Just "cool."
Kimberly, cool means cool!
You told him yes.
No, I didn't!
Okay, say it to me like you said
in the moment. "We should fuck sometime."
Cool.
Yeah, so you just told this man
that you wanna have sex with him.
Yeah, I hear that now.
I think you're being summoned.
I think we all are!
Okay, but I have to go to church
twice tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
Yes.
Weirdly I'm into this.
Kimberly, I'm glad you're here.
I brought you this to say
thanks for the lovely dinner,
and, you know, the other thing.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm so sorry, Kimberly,
but I cannot co-sign your loan for you.
Oh, my God.
Professor Hennessey, I'm so sorry.
I never would have done anything sexual
with your husband.
I should've said no in the moment,
What are you talking about?
What were you talking about?
My accountant was worried
that co-signing a loan would affect
my credit score too much.
- Did my husband make a pass at you?
I think I just might have misunderstood
what he said.
What did he say?
I think he said something like,
"We should fuck sometime."
- I am so sorry, Professor.
- No.
You've done nothing wrong.
You are not my unemployed husband
who is trying to fuck a co-ed
for not the first time. Excuse me.
Craig, hi, it's your wife,
you piece of shit.
Have you seen yourself in the mirror?
I'm just gonna leave the plant.
Seriously? You hit on another student?
That's it.
I'm calling your sister to pick you up.
Pack your stuff.
You're Nancy's problem now.
No. You can't get your guitars later.
Take them now.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.